Subj: Re: 123 3rd Draft
Date: Friday, September 9, 2005 2:26:01 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my ten notes on the Ep123 third draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"** BISHOP (V-O/O.C.)
So I chose a new tact. I decided that the best way to protect the earth from aliens was to make them our allies."
I believe it should be "tack", not "tact". Or it could be "tactic" or "strategy".
2.) Re: the following:
"** RAPH
So it’s true? Bishop wasn’t feeding us a line of Rigellan Rump-Beast? "
This is kind of minor, but the phrase "a line of..." usually ends in a word meaning "crap" or "shit". Raph's usage here is like saying "a line of meat" -- which I don't think gets the proper meaning across. It MIGHT work if we had established that Rigellian Rump-Beast is vile and disgusting and crap-like, but I don't think we have (Mikey's been eating it, after all). So perhaps adding the word "dung" or "crap" to the end of that line might be better.
3.) Re: the following:
"There is a silent moment, then Cody cuts in.
CODY
N… but what if the president’s right and this Ziixx guy does something bad and nobody stops him?"
Should that be "No", not "N" at the beginning of Cody's line?
4.) Re: the following:
"** MIKE
Business must be good. Ziixxy’s put on some LBs since that footage we saw.
RAPHAEL
Pretty stupid for a wanted guy."
First, Mikey saying "LBs" (hows that supposed to be pronounced -- "ell bees"?) is dopey, unnecessary slang. Let's just have him say "pounds".
Second, I don't understand Raph's line. Why wouldn't a "wanted guy" want to put on weight? I can think of several reasons why such a person WOULD want to. This line can be deleted.
5.) Re: the following:
"** ON RAPH – as he hits the ground next to the FLAT DISC – a hologram projector!
*WIDER – the other turtles round the corner to find Raph.
** LEO – helps Raph to his feet as DON picks up the DISC.
*RAPH
I’m really starting to hate holograms.
** DONATELLO
Wow. Cool! Can I keep it?!"
Thank you for incorporating my hologram disk idea, but I don't think Don needs to ask anyone "Can I keep it?!" Sounds goofy. I would take that out so he just says "Wow. Cool!"
6.) Re: the following:
"ZIIXX
You’re goin’ for a ride!"
"Goin'"? Why is Zixx suddenly dropping his "g"'s?
7.) Re: the following:
"*ZIIXX – takes the opening, whips at Mike and Don with a long METAL WHIP that comes, um, whipping out of a sleeve of his coat.
ZIIXX
You’re goin’ for a ride!
THE TURTLES – SCATTER!
*LEO AND RAPH – make a full court press on Ziixx DODGING the CHAIN/ <SWATTING> it aside as they leap from crate to crate. "
What CHAIN are they dodging? Should this be the WHIP instead?
8.) Re: the following:
"ZIIXX
I didn’t know! I deliver the package I don’t check what’s inside! What do you care? You’re bounty hunters!"
Should "I deliver the package I don’t check what’s inside!" be two sentences instead of one -- i.e. "I deliver the package. I don’t check what’s inside!"?
9.) Re: the following:
"ZIIXX
I thought you guys were just bounty hunters after my head. I had to bail on you to try and stop the launch, but once I saw you helping the passengers… "
Not only does this contain one of my grammatical "pet peeves" -- "try and" instead of the correct "try to" -- but Ziixx's line " I had to bail on you to try and stop the launch, but once I saw you helping the passengers…" confuses me. The implication is that he didn't care about saving the Turtles until he saw them helping the passengers... but also that he tried to save them ALL by trying to stop the launch. Which is it?
I think we can get the meaning we want here by just taking out the middle part, as follows:
"ZIIXX
I thought you guys were just bounty hunters after my head... but once I saw you helping the passengers… "
10.) Re: the following:
"BISHOP
There are… legends of a far distant galaxy, where there were twelve planets, each bustling with life…
THE GUYS – register growing concern as he speaks.
BISHOP (OS)
All are barren wastes now…because of one black-hearted being…Sh’Okanabo.
DONATELLO
B-but that’s impossible. Isn’t it? Ziixx just said that to throw us off?"
Don's line seems very silly to me. First, why does he stammer? And second, why -- after all he has seen in his adventures as a TMNT -- would he say "that's impossible"? Doesn't seem to make any sense to me.
Looking at this in context, Don's lines aren't even necessary -- I'd take them out.
Also, this just occurred to me -- why a "far distant galaxy" instead of somewhere far away in THIS galaxy? Coming from a "far distant galaxy" is a heck of a long way for Sh'Okanabo to travel -- surely there would be a lot more planets along the way for him to plunder. Here's an alternative:
"BISHOP
There are… legends... from a distant part of our galaxy, where there were twelve planets, each bustling with life…"
-- Pete
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Subj: Re: TMNT 129 ("Bad Blood") Premise
Date: Friday, September 9, 2005 4:11:08 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my notes on the Ep. 129 premise.
1.) Re: the following:
"Dark Don tells them they need to destroy their gauntlets, or the turtles could be tracked back to them. They load the boys’ unconscious bodies into the Dark Hover-Shell (concealing them in its trunk)."
Maybe I'm taking this too literally -- "Dark Hover-Shell"? -- but let's not go overboard on the "reverse-TMNT" bit, please. (As in the later reveal of the Dark Turtles' lair being "ironically similar to the original Turtles Lair! ".)
2.) Re: the following:
"Dark Don baps Dark Mikey, then Dark Raph takes the gauntlet and gobbles it up like Cookie Monster."
Ugh. Dopey.
3.) This episode has the makings of a good, solid, action-packed story. However, I think it needs a little massaging, especially in the areas of (a) why the Turtles walk into what is PAINFULLY obviously a trap, and (b) how Cody finds the Turtles.
One suggestion is that --given how things are going down -- the Turtles indeed KNOW they are going into a trap, and they do SOMETHING -- not sure what, maybe a clever tech thing by Don, maybe using that holo-disk thingie he took from Torbin Ziixx -- to help Cody find them later. Or they bring with them some kind of special weapons or tool that can be used at a critical juncture later. But I think they have to do SOMETHING to avoid looking like lambs going to the slaughter.
4.) As I was reading about the Dark Turtles as "clones" of our regular guys, it occurred to me that it might be more fun -- and something different -- to make these "clones" something a little weirder. My first thought was that Sh'Okanabo created these "clones" by combining the Turtles' DNA samples that he had with some kind of other weird alien species, using that species as a kind of "framework" upon which he was able to build the Dark Turtles. This could lead -- in a future episode -- to the reveal of one significant "Achilles heel" of the Dark Turtles: Because of their nature, the alien species which is the "framework" for the Dark Turtles needs to regenerate or something, which involves a creepy and disgusting "spilt" of some kind (TBD) where this species actually separates from the Dark Turtles and is at that time vulnerable. Just a thought.
5.) Re: the following:
"After a HUGE, SUPERCOOL battle with their demonic clones – the one and only Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come out on top! They deliver their battered doppelgangers to Biggles."
It is, of course, HUGELY important that we establish a good reason WHY our boys are NOW able to kick the Dark Turtles' shells when they were helpless against them earlier. Is it the intervention of Cody and Splinter that turns the tide? Don't know... and by the way, I'm not really digging the "frozen Splinter" gag.
-- Pete
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