"City at War" notes

While poking around in my old studio some weeks back I came across several pages of notes about the "City at War" story which Kevin and I worked on together way back when. My recollection of these ten pages of typed notes (with some brief hand-written notations and deletions) is that they are something I did after discussions with Kevin about the storyline for "City at War", the twelve-issue arc we produced in TMNT Volume 1 from issue #50 to issue #62. I believe this was part of our process to create a basic, consistent rough outline to which we could refer as we went forward with actually creating the comics.

It's clear to me from some of the typewritten phrases that this document was MY take on what Kevin and I had discussed, and the my hand-written notes reflect the changes suggested by further consultation with Kevin after he had a chance to read these pages.

  It's quite possible that this outline -- once it was finished, and I had incorporated any hand-written changes -- was what we then gave to Jim Lawson so he could start breaking down the issues he would pencil, which I believe were all of them in this particular arc.

It's interesting that the notes for issues 57, 59, 60 and 61 all consist of only a few lines. It makes me wonder if there is a later version of this document in which we laid out the elements of each of those issues in more detail.

  I am re-typing these pages of notes so as to make them easier to read.

  In transcribing these notes, I am leaving in all misspellings and awkward grammatical choices I made back then, which I might otherwise change now, to preserve as much as possible the original nature of the work. I may make some additional comments on some of the concepts introduced in these pages. -- PL

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   

   

          

   

Notes on "City At War" story

issues 51 through 62

#51

  The turtles have returned again to New York, and have found some (possibly) temporary digs… someplace funky and hidden, perhaps an abandoned warehouse, condemned construction site, old and unused water tower, etc.. The settle in, but are unsettled… their purpose in unclear. They have come back with a vague idea of doing something about the Foot-inspired wave of violence in the city, but also because their farm home in Massachusetts was breaking up, with Casey and April splitting in different directions, and Splinter withdrawing form them.

  The turtles had thought that once the Shredder was gone -- once that cycle of vengeance had been laid to rest -- that the Foot problem would go away, would be resolved. But it's increasingly clear to them that while the threat to them personally has more or less vanished, the factions of the Foot, in warring among themselves, have put a lot of innocent people at risk. (They hear or read the news reports of the massacre of the Foot soldiers under the bridge, the explosion in the sex shop [which we know was the grunt foot attempting to do away with some of the Foot accountants who were holed up in that building], and some other bits and pieces.) To some extent, the turtles feel guilty about it, as it was their actions in killing the Shredder that precipitated this fracturing of the Foot.

  Their confusion about what to do leads them eventually to go out "on patrol" (actually t probably comes about because Leo gets sick of the constant bickering and figures that at least if they all go out and prowl around, the physical activity will take their minds off the issue for a while). The conflict stems mostly from the moral and practical dilemna -- if they go out and find the Foot, what will they (the turtles) do? Kill the Foot? Not too likely… while the turtles have killed before, it has always been in the heat of battle, and always in self-defense (with two exceptions: both deaths of the Shredder). They can't be cold-blooded assassins/vigilantes. Turn them in to the police? For what -- being Foot guys?

  Casey in heading west in the Chevy, driving all night, eyeballs on his cheekbones, so to speak. He has a flashback to the moment when he put moves on April (between #49 and #50) and she rejected him (albeit with some reluctance), and then left. He's so tired he almost passes out while driving and barely avoids killing himself by driving in to an oncoming car.

  Grabbing java and some grub at a truckstop, (and giving his eyes a rest), Casey meets Gabrielle, a waitress, and they chat/flirt. Leaving the diner, Casey is set upon by a couple of redneck thugs who beat the crap out of him and steal his car.

(Hand-written notes)

Put Nate back in 51-62

Show him progressing through his recovery as in Kevin's notes

turtles investigate sex shop 

  Gabrielle come to his aid, taking him home with her and dressing his wounds.

  April arrives by plane in Los Angeles, and is met by her sister June (!), who shows her around L.A., tourist stuff while they get reacquainted and share sisterly stuff. April starts to tell June about Casey, but hesitates before going too far into it -- is she really ready to share the story of the turtles and Splinter? It is, after all, part and parcel of  how she met and ended up living in the same house with Casey.

  The two sister's arrive back at June's house, where we see that June, while a nice person, is also a total slob. (What does she do for a living? Kev -- also just realized while scripting the first few pages of #49, that we had worked out April's sister as married with a kid… maybe separated or divorced.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#52

  Casey wakes up in Gabrielle's house/trailer/apartment (?), and momentarily freaks out. She calms him down, then leaves for work with an offer to Casey that if he wants to he can stay at her place and rest up before moving on. Left alone with his bruised body and confused mind, Casey almost leaves… but doesn't. He wonders about reporting the stolen car to the police, but decides against it…. almost as if he is symbolically letting go of part of his past life.

Later on she comes home from work, tired and not expecting to find Casey still there, and somewhat depressed about that prospect )she's starting to really like the guy)… and finds that he's cleaned the place, done the dishes, made dinner, etc.. They eat, talk about past, their lives…  Casey gets more and more bummed out. Gabrielle comforts him, they get closer together, one thing leads to another… they kiss.

  Splinter

(Hand-written notes)

in the woods (in front of cave) making tea -- gets frustrated, smashes tea stuff, looks at broken pieces (maybe one page)

  In L.A., April is reading New York Times… big story about a three killers with swords who attacked an office of a dozen accountants and killed them all before vanishing -- story wonders if there is a connection between this and the mass murder of Foot soldier under the bridge.  (we know that there is -- it was Foot Grunts who found out where this group of Foot accountants were operating from and went there to eliminate them.) April throws paper down… it's too much of a connection to the life she's left… brings back bad memories of the time the Foot attacked her apartment.

   
April's sister June says it's time for April to get a new wardrobe -- "modern clothes" -- if she wants to find a decent job in L.A., so they go shopping.

  There is a guy riding a city bus, ordinary looking guy with a briefcase open on his lap in the back of the bus. As we get closer to this guy, we see what he is doing -- the briefcase contains a laptop computer with a modem hooked to a cellular phone, and guy (who is a Foot Accountant) has used this apparatus to tap into the computerized records of the Foot Scientists, and is in the process of altering records at the electric power company to show that a particular account is many months overdue, and should be immediately shut off (the account being of course the one of the several lab locations of the Foot Scientists). It's just one of the ways that the Accountant Foot are making life hell for the other factions of the divided Foot. (Why is he on a bus? Well, one of the reasons that the other factions of the Foot have not been able to easily eliminate the Foot Accountants -- who are not as skilled in martial arts -- is that the accountants can hide out and work their mischief from anyplace that has a phone plug… so the have spread out through the city, and are only very slowly being found and eliminated by the other factions.)

Meanwhile we see the turtles as they accidentally stumble upon and foil a mugging in an alleyway. Raph, disgusted, starts grousing "What's this shit? This is small time… and it's not even connected with the Foot! When are we gonna do something real?!" Even as he's saying that, we see behind him in the background the city bus slowing to a stop to pick up passengers. Suddenly, a Foot cyborg bursts out of a van behind the bus and heads for the bus, immediately tearing off the wheels on the right side of the bus, causing it to ground to a halt, listing to the right, passengers screaming.

Hand-written note (re: cyborg): 

remote-piloted "power loaded" type robot!

  The turtles see this an freak out! The cyborg starts ripping into the rear end of the bus, going after the Foot accountant, who is also freaking out. Just as the turtles start to go after the cyborg, a dozen Foot grunts pour out of another alleyway and leap into the fray. It's a wild melee, with everybody fighting everybody. The cyborg is put down, with difficulty, and most of the Foot Grunts and the accountant are killed. The battle appears to be winding down…

  … when two more cyborgs appears, the cops arrive, and tons of Foot Grunts (note: these guys use guns in addition to the classic ninja weapons) start pouring out from everywhere! One of the turtles yells something like "It can't get much worse than this!" and we see behind and off the the side, a Shredder Elite leaping into the fray. Fade out/ cliffhanger ending!

  (Bit of background: The Foot Scientists, no slouches in computer engineering themselves, have devised a method of counteracting the incursions of the Foot Accountants by secretly inserting small programs in the computer of the business that supply them with service -- banks, electric, fuel companies, etc. -- which lie dormant until the Foot Accountant try to alter the Foot Scientists' account records. Then the program activates and attempts to trace the phone signal backwards to its source. USing triangulation/tracing equipment, they can pinpoint the location of the person trying to mess with the files, and send out a cyborg -- in this case transported in a van to avoid unecessary detection and detainment/delay -- to take him/her out. Perhaps they also tip off the FOot Grunts -- maybe there is a tacit agreement that even thought the Grunts and the Scientists are enemies and want to get rid of each other, they would both like to rid themselves of the annoyance of the Accountants -- and in this way, at least, they will work together. This would be a convenient way of explaining the apparent coincidence of the Foot Grunts showing up at the bus scene.)

Also in this issue there is a short flash to a meeting in Japan, some kind of strange business meeting, shadowy figures talking about the breakdown of the NY corporate arm, and how the time is almost ripe for movement. Someone says that units are already there and others are almost finished prepping the required software (!). This is also when we first hear the name of Karai, the woman who will eventually become the head of the Japanese Foot in NYC.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#53

  Open with view form inside of messy apartment/house, with April's sister's voice coming from outside. She's going on about how April's new look -- "You look great!" April's voice -- "I look ridiculous!" Keys jingle… door opens, and we get a look at the "new" April O'Neil: (full shot) funky tight clothes, new hair style, real L.A. look. There's some kind of interaction here, maybe more comments about the clothes, maybe April sarcastically suggesting that her sister's time would be better spent cleaning up her place than helping April buy clothes.

Hand-written notes:

Robynne

Somewhere in this issue, Splinter goes out hiking in woods, comes across the abandoned factory as seen in Tales #4 (one page, probably)

Also add panel(s) of Nate

  Elsewhere (somewhere in the midwest … Missouri?) Casey Jones wakes up gasping, perhaps with April's name on his lips… a dream of her? It's early morning, and looking beside him, the bed is empty. Where's Gabrielle? Just then he hears her puking in the bathroom.

She comes out of the bathroom, eyes reddened from crying and face flushed from puking. They talk. She breaks down and tells him she's pregnant, four months along. She didn't tell him earlier because she thought it might make him leave. Although this new development is kind of freaking Casey out, he comforts her and tells her he is going to stay with her.

  Back in New York, chaos reigns on the street where the turtles have suddenly found themselves in a desperate fight for their lives and lives of hundreds of innocents literally caught in the crossfire. The cops have arrived in force, SWAT teams blazing away, Foot Grunts firing from rooftop, blowing up police cruisers… Grunts and turtles and police i hand to hand combat… Foot cyborgs wreaking havoc as turtles and Grunts try to stop them… one Shredder Elite moving like phantom among the combatants, with an aim to killing as many of the Grunts and cyborgs as he can, with a special interest in the turtles -- he is also trying to keep them alive, especially Leo, because part of the twisted rationale of the Shredder's elite now is that they will never regain their honor until one of them has bested Leo in fair combat (after all, they were supposed to keep Leo from reaching the Shredder in issue 21 [?].

The fighting escalates. Police helicopters show up, maybe one is shot out of the sky. National guard troops care called out. Buildings are ablaze. Bodies litter the streets. Unexpectedly, Leo calls a retreat. The turtles reach a safe place… they're totally stunned… in shock. They have had their first rude awakening -- this thing is far bigger than they thought, bigger by far than they can even begin to attempt to handle. And they have failed to protect the innocent… in fact, by getting involved, they may have prolonged the battle and indirectly caused innocent deaths.

This is a real low point for the boys.

It might be a good idea to close this issue by cutting to Japan, at the mysterious corporate meeting. They are watching live satellite news feeds from New York of the carnage. "It's time."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#54

  Casey goes out to get a job, applies for a bag-boy position at supermarket, gets the job, has a real butthead for a boss, takes a lot  of abuse before losing his temper and decking the guy. Halfway back to Gabrielle's house, he realizes that he's got to swallow his pride and go apologize and ask for his job back… do a little groveling, ass-kissing. Of course he hates the idea of doing this, but realizes that if he's going to help Gabrielle (and her baby) out, he's got to accept the downside of responsibility.

So he goes back, begs for his job, the boss listens to it, makes Casey go through the whole groveling routine -- then laughs at him and tells him there's no way he's going to get the job back.

So Casey decks him again.

When he gets home, he tells Gabrielle the story, and she's sympathetic. He promises to look for other jobs and to keep his temper in check.

Speaking of jobs, April has found one in La Mirada (!) working as a software engineer for Ramtek Incorporated, a computer company. One he first day there she gets hit on for a date six times… not exactly what she's used to.

(Maybe do something with April and her sister's family celebrating an L.A. Christmas… no snow, neon xmas trees, etc.. Some melancholy on April's part as she thinks of the fun Christmas times with the turtles.)

  It's five days 'til Christmas… but the turtles aren't feeling very merry. Hiding out in their dismal digs, cold, depressed, still feeling the effects of shock from the hug street battle three weeks ago, and listening to further news reports of Foot activity and violence. There's a report on the tube about a panic at the New York stock exchange, with a computer virus destroying thousands of records before it was stopped, wreaking havoc on a whole mess of investors and businesses.

  Cut to Japan. A sleek corporate jet is taking off; on board is Karai with her support staff. (Some of these are the suits with laptops that appear in a later issue.) Karai is sitting at a desk/seat. The surface of the desk is a large flat panel TV/monitor, and currently on screen are several window type displays, each showing a slow motion video image, somewhat blurry and distorted -- tracking noise and such. She speaks some commands:
"Freeze/capture/Frame/Enlarge/Enhance/Unsharp Mask", etc.. We see the images resolves into fairly clear shots of the turtles in action, and we understand from the setting that therese were some amateur video taken at the scene of the bus battle. Karai studies these images, and mutters under her breath "So… they are back. Excellent…"

Crossed-out paragraph:

Splinter scene: Out in the woods, SPlinter is practicing some meditation techniques which are meant to allow him to move in and out of his animal nature at will. This is tested when a coyote pursues a fawn pst Splinter, and Splinter leaps on the coyote, chewing the hell out of its neck and killing it. Slowly lifting his bloody muzzle from the corpse of the coyote, Splinter says "Interesting…"

Hand-written notes:

2 or 3 pages

Splinter explores the ruins, falls in the hole (where Rat King fell), breaks leg! splints it up, realizes he can't get out

Nate panel somewhere

  [This is an interesting bit -- Splinter killing the coyote -- which I had completely forgotten until I re-read these notes. I think it would have made for a cool scene, but I think the direction in which we ultimately decided to go was better. -- PL]

Casey and Gabrielle at home… she's starting to show. He gives her an early Christmas gift -- some sexy outfit. She cries, he says it's for after the baby comes… things are getting serious here.

  Cut to some kind of bioengineering plant in NYC in some nondescript factory building. (We know it's on o the sort of hidden facilities of the Foot Scientists). Inside it's not lit too well… we see portable generators running, cables connected to vital equipment and portable lights. Foot Scientist is bitching to another: "Can't we get more lights in here? Damn those bean counter (Foot Accountants)! How they managed to get the power company to cut off our juice, I don't know…!"

Just then most of the lights go off. "What the hell--?!" In the semi-darkness, we see a lithe form leaping around, creating havoc, slashing left and right with a sword of some other ninja weapon, hurling shuriken. Scientists are dropping like flies, sparks flying everywhere as machines are sliced into and pushed over, volatile fluids spilling and starting fires. Chaos!

Cut to exterior of building as parts of it explode in fiery conflagration… pull back to reveal figure of ninja who started it all… it's one of the Shredder's Elite.

  The turtles are listening to the late news, a report about an unlicensed biotech facility which exploded that night, with many dead. There are also stories about fighting in Serbia and Yugoslavia, etc. The guys are huddled around a portable gas stove. It's very depressing. Mike says "Merry Chr…" and breaks down.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#55

(Hand-written notes)

Start book with splash of airport - showing jet, people getting off onto helicopter - next two-page spread is helicopter over New York, followed by one page reveal of Karai disembarking from copter on rooftop

Casey and Gabrielle are getting real close, really falling in love. They do romantic stuff… Casey goes to birthing classes with her.

Then Casey blows her mind… he ask her to marry him.

  April goes on a date, but it ends badly -- guy's really aggressive, pushy. April's starting to hate L.A. -- traffic, smog, freaks, etc.. -- wondering if she should stay.

(Hand-written notes)

Splinter is getting hungry… realizes that he can't get out until his leg heals, but he may starve by then. Starts semi-hallucinating, voice of Rat King says "You need water" - finish up with last couple of pages -- it starts raining -- last page is full-page reveal of Rat King as it starts pouring

Back in NYC, Leo is trying to get the guys out of their slump. It scares him that even Mike is bummed out. He manages to get them all out for exercise and practice, leaping around on the snowcapped roofs of the city. Soon they get tired, start complaining, Raph especially, who decides to split back to the den.

On the way back, Raph is ambushed by one of the Shredder Elite. It's an intense fight, and one in which Raph soon realizes he is literally fighting for his life. Of course, this only makes him fight harder -- he starts to get the spark back. The berserker rage fills him, and the upshot of this long hard fight is that the Elite is mortally wounded. At this moment the rest of the guys arrive on the scene. They all listen as the dying Elite tells them about the Elite's plan for Leo.

Then he kills himself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#56

  Casey and Gabrielle go to a justice of the peace and get married. (The idea behind this is it seems to me not only a natural progression of their relationship, and also solve the problem of legal custody of the child when Gabe dies. It also will not create any problems when Casey and April get back together, as he will be a widower and free to marry her.)

(Hand-written notes)

April has horrible day at work, hit on, shit on, has fight with sister - end book with April getting phone cal -- her father's dead/

Nate scene?

Splinter talking to Rat King, trying to deal with hunger -- catches a rat, can't bring himself to eat it

Turtles in water tower/attacked by Foot grunts, who are now under Karai's control/cut out the bottom of the water twoer/three turtles get away, one is captured/Karai shoots arrow at fleeing turles, has not on it saying "Call me"/ sets up meeting in #57

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

#57

(crossed-out line)

April's father dies.

  April moves back to New York.

(Hand-written notes)

Splinter continue discussion with Rat King

Karai meets with turtles alone, and lays out plan for turtles

Nate?

"Kinder, gentler trigger-finger"

  [I have no idea what that last line is all about. -- PL]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#58

  This is a critical issue. It's in this issue that the turtles come to grips with the deal they have to make to get their lives back on track, to have some hope of a "normal" existence into the future. This is also a crux point in the maturing of the turtles, where they are forced to realize that life is not necessarily black and white… that there are shades of grey.

In this issue the turtles agree to help the Japanese Foot, by getting rid of the remainder of the Shredder's Elite. It's also clear to the turtles by now that the only way to eliminate the threat of the fanatical Shredder's Elite… is to kill them.

  Gabrielle has the baby, but tragically dies in childbirth. Casey is wracked with grief. The doctors tell him he should go home and get some sleep. He wanders, in a grieving daze, to the truckstop diner… memories of Gabrielle.

By incredible coincidence at that moment, looking out the window, Casey's teary eye spy -- his '57 Chevy… and the two dungballs who stole it from him and beat him up!

Rage and grief boil up and Casey is out in the parking lot, cleaning their clocks. He really thrashes them… and gets his car back.

Shortly thereafter, Casey and baby are in the Chevy -- disposable diapers, formula, and all -- and headed east… to Northampton.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#59

  Set up for big fight in issue #60 with Shredder Elite.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#60

  Big fight with Shredder Elite.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#61

  Conclusion of fight with Shredder Elite.

  Reunion of Casey and April.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#62

  Casey and April, back together again, and this time in love, return to the farm in Northampton. (The baby is with Casey's mom.) This time it's to pack up what they've left there, to shut the farm up, (or maybe arrange to rent it out?) and go back to the city to start their lives together. There's plenty of opportunity for poignant reflection by both of them, reflections on their experiences there at the farm with the turtles and Splinter and the good and bad times they had.

It's a hot summer day, and after packing for several hours on their third day there, Caey and April decide to take a break and go for a dip in the pond near the farm. Casey relaxes on shore while April swims. Suddenly she gasp, struggles, yells for help… and is pulled under. Horrorstruck, Casey is about to leap in to try to save her from whatever is in the pond, when the surface erupts. A sputtering, then laughing April explodes out of the water, propelled upwards by three pairs of strong turtles arms. It's Leo, Mike and Raph!

It's a big reunion scene. Stories are swapped, tales told… then April notices someone's missing. "Where's Don?" There's a moment of silence, then Leo says "He's with Splinter." The euphoric mood slowly evaporates.

Later on there's a scene with everyone in the woods, near Splinter's -- and now Don's -- hidden den. We learn that Don has decided to stay with Splinter, who will not be returning to New York with everyone else. He will stay and continue his evolution as a ninja master, and Don will be learning from him and helping him out, acting as a protector.

It's sad… but the bonds are strong, stronger now than before. It's not a permanent separation, and they will all surely be together again. It's a bittersweet moment. Splinter hangs back, silent and aloof for the most part, stiffly acknowleging the farewell sentiments o the boys and Casey, then slipping away while the others talk.

After all of the goodbyes are said, April tells Casey that she wants a few minutes alone. It's dusk, the trees silhouettes. April speaks int he gathering darkness. "I don't know it you're there, Splinter… if you can her me. If you can… I want you to know… my father died two months ago. My Dad -- he raised me, taught me a lot about life, how to be a good person. I loved him. I still do. He's gone now, but… the last few years, I've felt that I've had two fathers. And… and I've loved them both." April sniffles, wipes away a couple of tears. "Goodbye, Splinter."

April starts to walk toward the waiting Chevy. "April". The voice comes out of the deepening shadows. One shadow detaches itself from the rest, and moves towards April. It's Splinter. He moves close to April. There is a moment, then Splinter holds out his arms. April falls to her knees and they share a fierce hug, Splinter gently patting April's head with his gnarled rat fingers. "Daughter," Spinter whispers.

Fade out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blast from the Past #308: Story notes for Tales of the TMNT Volume 1, #7

These two pages of handwritten notes were found in that same sketchbook as referred to in the last two "Blast from the Past" entries. They pretty much lay out the plot of the seventh issue of the first volume of "Tales of the Turtles", which I plotted, wrote and did breakdowns/layouts for on my own. (I believe Jim Lawson did the finished pencils and Ryan Brown the inks. I can't recall who toned it.)





It's interesting to see the slight differences between this plot and what actually happened in the published comic book. -- PL

Blast from the Past #303: More notes

Yet another in my continuing series of randomly chosen emails to Lloyd Goldfine from the days when we were working together on development of the scripts for the 4Kids TMNT show. This one is about Episode 100. -- PL

____________________________________

Subj: comments on Ep. 100 second draft
Date: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 7:06:50 PM
From: Pete
To: Lloyd

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 100 second draft.

Much improved!

1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yeah, Leo, let’s hear about the Ancient One...!"

Don says "Yes", not "Yeah". But "Yes" would sound a little odd here, so why don't we keep this line as is and combine it with Raph's next line ("I want to learn about all the new ways you learned to kick butt") and make it all Raph dialogue.

2.) It's cute how Yoshi and Mash meet the Ancient One, but a little sketchy in the way the Ancient One decides to invite them to become his students of ninjitsu just because Yoshi returned a five yen note to the Ancient One. I wonder if it might be fun to stretch this scene out just a bit to include some display of physical prowess (flexibility, speed, agility, whatever) in addition to honesty on the part of Yoshi.
I think we also miss an opportunity here to foreshadow Mash's second string status. After all, it's Yoshi who returns the money. Mash is just there. Perhaps we could do something like this: The Ancient One looks at the slightly ragged Yoshi and says something to the effect that it looks like Yoshi could use a job/money. He tells Yoshi to follow him. Yoshi starts to, remembers Mash, asks the Ancient One if his friend can have a job too. The Ancient One pauses, looks at Mash, shrugs in agreement.

3.) Re: the following:

"CUT forward in time to show the two boys, now about age 16, hunkered up close to a black and white tv with the Ancient One, watching the first astronaut step out on the moon (1969). The boys are quite excited, the Ancient One not so impressed.
YUKIO MASIMI
Wow, Yoshi, a man walking on the moon!
HAMATO YOSHI
Outer space... it is so fascinating.
THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh. "

It occurred to me that it might be fun to have the Ancient One say something to indicate that he thinks the moon landing isn't real (whether he REALLY thinks this, or is just saying it to hold up his "old curmudgeon" image for the boys, is not clear). It could be as simple as changing the last line as follows:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh. Special effects."

4.) Re: the following:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Good, you talk too much as it is. Lunar eclipse much better enjoyed in silence. "

There's nothing wrong with this line. However, it occurred to me that it might be cooler if, instead of "lunar eclipse", the Ancient One uses some kind of more poetic/traditional description of the phenomena -- something like "dragon swallowing moon". I have no idea if there is such a term in Japanese mythology/astronomy, but if so, it could be fun.

5.) Re: the following:

"Mortu has an arm cut off by the (last) katana-wielding Foot Ninja.

MORTU
My arm!"

I don't think Mortu needs to say anything here.

6.) Re: the following:

"WIDER to show Mash and Yoshi standing and facing the Mortu, unconscious Foot Soldiers strewn here and there. Mortu stoops and picks up his severed arm and begins reattaching it (it is now more obviously not flesh and blood but robotic).

MORTU
Nothing that can’t be fixed."

Because Mortu's arm has been SLICED off by a katana, it is unlikely that he could simply reattach it (as if some screws had come loose and it had fallen off). Yes, it can be fixed, as he says, but it will require significantly more effort that simply screwing or snapping it back together. I would prefer that when he says this line, instead of trying to reattach it, he simply examines the cut end of it, then tucks the severed arm under his other arm.

7.) Re: the following:

"YOSHI
By the stars above...!
TIGHT on Mortu.
MORTU
Indeed... perhaps it is by the stars above. Yes, it must be... it must be destiny that you two have saved my life tonight... destiny that has brought us together...
WIDER to show Mortu putting one hand on each of (one of their) shoulders.
MORTU
And destiny that you join... the Guardians. "

What is it that Mortu is smoking? He's babbling. That's a lot to be read into a chance encounter. I would like to suggest an alternative close to this scene: Yoshi and Mash react in astonishment to Mortu's robot-like anatomy. Just then, four (maybe fewer?) Guardians arrive, prepared to attack Yoshi and Mash. Mortu stops them, telling the Guardians that these boys saved him from the Foot attack.. The Guardians apologize to Mortu for being late to the battle (they were assigned to protect him, but were delayed for some reason which we probably don't need to get into here). One of the Guardians realizes -- and points out -- that Yoshi and Mash have seen part of his true nature. What to do? Mortu says something to the effect that they can leave, and the two boys will be left with a small mystery and their normal lives... OR... the boys can enter the world of the Guardians and the service of the Utroms, and learn the whole story. It's their choice.

8.) Re: the following:

"Walking barefoot across a bed of red-hot coals but not feeling any pain."

I'd prefer to take this one out. It's been pretty well conclusively proven that the classic "firewalking" stunt, which is supposed to show evidence of some incredible psychic power/mind over matter ability, is actually feasible because of the insulating/heat conducting qualities of ash (or something like that -- I've read about it in a number of places). So to avoid any kind of cheesy phony mind power stuff, let's replace this with something else or just take it out.

9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
As a result Yoshi was promoted time and time again, right up to the top rank of Guardian Commander... while Mashimi was passed over... time and time again."

Can we think up a different term than "Guardian Commander"? Nothing wrong with it per se, just thought something cooler and less military might be better. Maybe "Guardian Prime" or something like that.

10.) Re: the following:

"MASHIMI
You dare ask why, Yoshi? Isn’t it obvious? You have taken everything from me... beaten me at everything! But with this betrayal..."

Because the best bad guys never really think of themselves as "bad", I question Mash describing his own actions as a "betrayal". I think he would use some other more neutral or even positive word.

11.) Re: the following:

"TIGHT on Yoshi, holding up and looking at Tang Shen’s purple chopsticks, a silent tear running down a cheek while his face is filled with silent fury."

I think it might be a good idea here to do a quick dissolve to an image of Tang Shen showing here wearing the purple chopsticks... just to reinforce the connection for the viewer. It would only take a second or two.

12.) I still think we need more foreshadowing of Mash's drift to the side of evil, i.e. the Foot and the Shredder. Perhaps a quick, wordless scene during or near the end of the "Yoshi rising in the Guardian ranks/Mash getting jealous" sequence that would go something like this: A bitter-looking Mash ducks down some dark alley in a seedy part of time. He leaps over a wall and drops into a leaf-strewn and weed-choked courtyard. Cut to him standing in front of a door... he knocks on it in a specific sequence of knocks... the door opens onto darkness, and Mash -- with a quick glance backward (symbolizing his last moment "in the light", as it were) -- slips inside. The door shuts, and we see that there is a weathered (but still legible) Foot symbol on it. (We couldn't see it a moment ago when Mash was standing in front of the door.)
The reason I suggest this is that in the script as is, the entry of the Shredder and the Foot into the story (via the Mash connection) still seems too abrupt to me.

13.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Mashimi’s words struck Yoshi with the blistering force of an atomic bomb. Everything he cherished had been suddenly stripped away... leaving him blank... senseless... like he was filled with nothing at all. Empty."

The atomic bomb reference is a bit over the top. Actually, this whole paragraph is over the top. I get that Tang Shen has been taken from him, and he's bereft about that, and also about Mash's betrayal... but EVERYTHING? I think this needs to be toned down a little.

14.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Yoshi gave no quarter, took no prisoners... he was a machine intent on only one thing: victory.
LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Within minutes the tide had turned, as Yoshi single-handedly drove the Foot before him..."

I question the use of the word "machine" to describe Yoshi at this moment, because it seems to be the exact OPPOSITE of what he is here, which is a man driven by PASSION. Also, I have to say that I'm not crazy about this "super Yoshi" who is single-handedly driving the Foot horde before him. I think it would work better if his inspired combat actions inspire the other Guardians and Utroms, and they rally around him.

15.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Yoshi went after the Shredder with ferocity and precision...
Yoshi hacks off one of the Shredder’s arms and sends his helmet flying off, revealing a surprised and pissed Oroku Saki face.
LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Cutting off an arm, knocking off his helmet..."

Because we've already done an arm-severing in this episode, maybe instead Yoshi cuts off one of the Shredder's hands -- perhaps the one with the bladed gauntlet.

16.) Re: the following:

"YOSHI
I don’t blame you, sensei. I blame Mashimi. I will set this to rights or I will perish trying.
THE ANCIENT ONE
Perhaps more blood is not the answer. More blood will not bring Tang Shen back. More blood will only stain your hands forever."

I don't know if this will work, but I'll mention it anyway. What if the Ancient One uses a metaphor here to try to illustrate to Yoshi his point about vengeance? The metaphor is about a splinter... vengeance is like a splinter... it gets under your skin... irritating, torturing, getting infected and poisoning your life... unless you pluck it out (i.e. reject the way of vengeance). Yoshi goes ahead with his plans for revenge anyway, and kills Mashimi... but afterward realizes the truth of the Ancient One's words. And to forever remind himself of that sad lesson, he re-names his new pet, the rat which had belonged to Tang Shen... he calls it "Splinter".

17.) Re: the following:

"CUT back to the Shredder, quite pissed that things have once again gone awry. (Without Krang around to blame) Shredder (instead) moves into position to stand above Mashimi (much like Yoshi had stood a few minutes earlier).
TIGHT on Shredder delivering a powerful downward death-blow at us (at camera).
TIGHT as one of Mashimi’s hands goes limp."

I wonder if it might make the Shredder seem more like a badass is he doesn't deign to execute Mashimi, but instead makes a small gesture to his Foot Elite... who close in on Mashimi... one of them raises a weapon... and brings it down.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #301: More notes from the development of the 2K3 TMNT series

Here's another look back at an email of mine to Lloyd Goldfine, this time making comments about several different episodes -- at various points in their development -- of the 4Kids TMNT series. -- PL

_______________________


Subj: notes on 60, 61, 62 and 63 (various stages)
Date: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 4:28:22 PM
From: Pete
To: Lloyd

notes on extended 61 outline

1.) Could/should Marlin be related to Abigail Finn ("Monster Hunter"), with a similar accent? Maybe her brother?

2.) Should "Betsy" (Marlin' hunting rifle) have that name inscribed on it somewhere?

3.) Again, why, when Mikey has JUST GOTTEN THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF HIM, are the other Turtles just worried about poor l'il Leatherhead's feeling? I really think that at least ONE of them should say something to the effect that maybe it's not such a good idea to have Leatherhead as their house guest.

4.) This may be a bit too goofy, but I was thinking it also might be cool if Marlin had a little robotic "caddy" which would follow him around and carry his various mines, lasers, etc.... almost like a big robot dog. (It would give the Turtles or Leatherhead something to wreck, too.)

5.) I still think the gun should protect itself (i.e. when Leatherhead bites it) rather than have Marlin "pull a taser" from his pocket.

6.) Again, how does Marlin not only bind the huge Leatherhead but also "suspend" him from a catwalk?

7.) I'm not sure if/where this would work in, but I just had an image (inspired by the fact that Marlin uses such destructive weapons while hunting) of Marlin's "trophy room"... and it's not your typical trophy room with carefully mounted heads of large animals. Instead, it's a series of smallish domed glass cases with little BITS of various creatures he has tracked and blown to shreds.

8.) I'm still not loving the "drop Leatherhead into the pool of doom" plan that Marlin apparently has. DIdn't we just a bit earlier hear him say that this creature would bring him a lot of money if he could bring it back alive?

9.) I'm also still not buying that Raph's sais stop the giant cutting blades of the "sewage processor". And why do ALL of the Turtles jump into the water, when Marlin is still a threat?

10.) I don't like that Marlin does the suicide bit. It would work just as well if when he realizes "Betsy" is damaged, he also realizes that she is on overload and will very shortly blow up.

11.) Again -- WHY WHY WHYWHY WHY does Leatherhead SMASH through the wall to get to his new pad? It makes ABSOLUTELY no sense.

----------------

notes on final draft of ep. 60 "Touch and Go".

This one is much improved. I only have a few minor comments.

1.) Mike calling Splinter "Obi-Wan" in line 113 is very disrespectful. It's something that Mike MIGHT call Splinter when talking with his brothers, but NEVER to Splinter's face. I'd just use "Master" instead.

2.) As per my last notes about this, I think the staging of Mike and Splinter's miraculous "jump in front of the speeding train" escape could be staged much better.

3.) Do Mike and Splinter take Splinter's robe and walking stick and Mike's nunchaku from the hotel room after they beat up Hun and Touch and Go?

--------------------------------

notes on Ep. 63 Premise/Outline "Nobody's Fool"

1.) I love the (I think unintentionally) oxymoronic line describing Nobody in his police uniform in the preview -- "his face clearly not visible."

2.) Re: the following:

"Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "Even after the department buried me under a desk down in the dead case archives, I’m still a cop."

Close on – Nobody/Cop clenches his fist and slams it down on the desk.

"Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "They told me I rocked the boat too much. They told me police work was now more about public relations than catching the bad guy."

I suggest changing this to read "They told me I rocked the boat too much. They told me police work was now as much about public relations as catching the bad guy."

And I think it's "cold case files", not "dead case files".

3.) Re: the following:

"Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "Don’t bother trying to figure out who I am."

And, with an athletic, acrobatic leap and flourish of his cape, Nobody leaps over the side of the building and is gone disappearing into the night.

Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "My name is Nobody."

I would change the last line to just "I'm... Nobody."

4.) What if... when Leo and Mike encounter Nobody when he's wounded, part of what he does to convince them he's on the up-and-up (an important point) is to show them a "Justice Force" secret ID. However -- later on, we discover that it is not exactly valid.

5.) In Act Two, just before or while Mike and Leo are waiting for Nobody to show up at the Brooklyn Bridge, it might be a good opportunity for Leo or Mike to put a Shell Cel call in to Steve "Stainless" Steel to verify Nobody's JF credentials. To their surprise, Steve tells them that Nobody was once invited to join the Justice Force, but turned them down... but he apparently kept his temporary JF ID!

6.) Splinter's little lecture to Leo before he and Mike leave the lair seems a bit much.

7.) Why does Hun need The Twins (and why Twins? why not Triplets?) to signal that "it's safe" for him to exit the limo? Is Hun SCARED?

8.) The "Raph and Don becoming video game zombies thing" seems WAY out of character for both of them. This, I think, should be played more as a competition which gets out of hand, not some self-hypnotizing bit.

------------------------

notes on Ep. 62 outline "Survivalist Skills"

This one is in need of serious work. I'm not really happy with it.

1.) First of, I think Raph, Don AND Mike should be out in the woods (I'll get to "why"
in a moment). The scene with the apple being shot off the head should be DON shooting an apple off MIKE's head with a BOW AND ARROW (as in the comic) -- NOT Raph throwing a sai.
The major reasons (though not the only ones) to have Mike here are (a) he's not really needed in the farmhouse scenes, and (b) it is a CRIME to lose the "'chukker vs. 'chukker" gag when Pewk pulls out his nunchakus to threaten the Turtles, and NOT have Mike be there to respond.

2.) The Casey/April interaction is STILL stupid. Weren't these two just an episode or two ago making goo-goo eyes at each other while fixing April's shop's window? Why are they now pretending to not be interested in each other?
I suggest that we make a big change here, and that is this -- Casey's mom doesn't just randomly show up. Casey has secretly ASKED her to drop by, and his reasoning is this -- he wants April to meet his Mom (and vice versa) but in his own lug way, doesn't want April to feel like he's pressuring her or moving to fast in their developing relationship. (Meeting the parents, as we all know, is a big deal.) The reveal (that Casey asked his Mom to visit) could happen at the very end, and even continue to be a secret from April, in a coda scene with just Casey and his Mom, where he thanks her and she tells him that -- even with all of the wacky things that just transpired -- April is a peach, in her opinion. And in a REAL "zinger" upon which to end the episode, Casey's Mom says to him "... and you don't have to do it now, but someday I'd like to hear the story behind that big rat and the giant turtle." (Implying, obviously, that not only is Casey's Mom a lot sharper than they -- and the audience -- think she is, she's also willing to accept weird things in her son's life -- and I think we SHOULD bring her into the Turtles' world in future episodes.)
Also, let's get rid of the "Oops! Hide the Turtles!" stuff, which I think is REALLY tired and lame, and could be solved in one fell swoop by Leo and Splinter just LEAVING the house while Casey's Mom is there. Instead, let's do this as a series of "tests" that Casey's Mom gives April so she can see exactly what this potential daughter-in-law is made out of. (And April is more or less unaware that Casey's Mom is deliberately testing her.) Leo and Splinter could in fact surreptitiously HELP April pass those "tests" (whatever they are -- I'm sure we can come up with some good ones, probably involving patience, fortitude, strength, "class", etc. -- all things that anyone who marries Casey will HAVE to possess!).
I probably don't have to say it, but the "intro" bit with April tackling Casey's Mom and Casey wielding his baseball bats at the same moment is dopey and should GO.

3.) Re: Raph "slicing off Spud's entire belt" with his sai. Once again, the sai is not a slicing weapon. Just have him hook the grenade (or maybe ALL of them one after another, really fast) with his sais and toss it/them away.

4.) We probably WON'T have this scene anymore, but -- WHY are clean sheets kept in the ATTIC?

5.) The wedding gown bit is stupid.

6.) Re: the following:

"Donatello: "Yo, Rambo! Don't you know Turtles are cold-blooded? We don't give off heat signatures."

Somebody needs to bone up on science. "Cold-blooded" doesn't mean COLD!!!

7.) Re: the following:

"ON THE ROAD, the Shell Cycle ROARS down the road at speeds in excess of 140 miles per hour. The cycle ROARS right at camera... through camera... and away from camera..."

Why such ludicrous speeds?

8.) If we have Mike be with Raph and Don (and I think we should), he could head back to the farmhouse to warn Leo and the others about the survivalists AND get April or Casey to call 911 to help the wounded kid (Michael). Raph and Don could then -- instead of using the ShellCycle -- grab another vehicle from the survivalist camp and give chase with that. I'm thinking some kind of cool, souped-up dune buggy would be fun.

9.) Casey's Mom would not want to stay with "cousin Sid" (cousin Sid's a butthead).

10.) The plutonium core left sitting on the General's desk should have some kind of "Danger! Radioactive!" sign affixed to it (by Don), and not just a "from Santa" note.

11.) At some point Casey or his Mom should make clear that his full name is actually "Arnold Casey Jones".

-- Pete