Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Blast from the Past #493: September 4, 2005: Re: TMNT 125 ("Clash of the Turtle Titans") First Draft
Subj: Re: TMNT 125 First Draft
Date: Sunday, September 4, 2005 8:36:22 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Here are my notes on the Ep125 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
Hey! Dat ain't how it happened!"
2.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO strikes a matching heroic pose standing on a PEDISTIL that formerly housed the WAL-MART VASE, which RAPHAEL uses to <BAP> Mikey on the back of the head. "
I think that should be "pedestal", not "pedistil".
3.) Re: the following:
But I'm allergic to culture! Just ask my doctor. I'm supposed to avoid all places with boring, musty, old..."
The "Just ask my doctor" line is odd and unnecessary -- I'd take it out.
4.) Re: the following:
"PATRONS run in panic as Triple Threat bounds inside. Psycho head takes it all in as Triple Threat <SMASHES> through a display case, grabbing the Justice Force comic.
Ooh! Pretty colors!
Suddenly, all four Turtles leap out of the shadows from different direction, surrounding Triple Threat, weapons drawn, as does Cody, now wearing his Serling-Armor."
Why were the Turtles hiding in the shadows? Doesn't seem to make sense. I think it would be funnier if they are taken a little bit by surprise when Triple Threat bounds into the room, and he grabs the comic with Mikey in it -- Mikey could react with his classic "girly scream" when he witnesses this desecration of the venerable relic.
Also, Cody can't be wearing his "Serling Armor", as we have taken that concept out.
5.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO AND MICHELANGELO - rush under the toppling billboard, <SPINNING> their bo and chuks, creating a <SONIC WHINE> ENERGY SHIELD that slows the giant neon monolith's descent while..."
I'm a LITTLE bit concerned that this action is stretching the capacity of the Turtles' new weapons into silly territory. I fear Mikey spinning his 'chuks like propellers to FLY is right around the corner.
6.) Re: the following:
"FIND BIGGLES' SQUAD HOVERCAR - BIGGLES enjoys a cup of tea when the Museum Ship <CLIPS> the car, spilling the tea and sending the Hovercar spinning crazily to the ground. "
Why is Biggles, a ROBOT, drinking TEA?
7.) Re: the following:
But we DO know this city rests easier knowing that its greatest hero can be summoned anytime, simply by shining his trademark Titan Beacon in the sky. "
I like "Titan Beacon" a lot more than "Turtle Signal", but if we wanted a bit of alliteration here, we could go for "Shell Signal" or "Titan Torch". A minor point.
8.) Re: the following:
"LEVEL HEAD (O.S.)
So we tore up Times Square. So we got our mugs on the news. All we got for it was this lousy comic book! I wanna to make lots of money!"
I think it should be "I wanna make" or "I want to make" instead of "I wanna to make".
9.) Re: the following:
"SPLIT SCREEN THREE WAYS: JAMMERHEAD, TORBIN ZIIX and VIRAL.
And above all, AVOID THE COLOR GREEN!"
While I get what the writer is trying to do here, "avoid the color green" seems a bit silly, as there are a heck of a lot of things other than the Turtles which are green. Perhaps something a bit narrower and more focused such as "Avoid do-gooders with shells!" might work a little better.
10.) Re: the following:
What's all this then? Who's been mucking about with my Turtle Signal?"
It's not "Turtle Signal" anymore. Also -- is it at all weird that Biggles has such a problem with the Turtles but has such a cozy relationship with Turtle TItan? Should he/would he make the connection? Perhaps it would offer some opportunity for humor if Turtle Titan is the only Turtle-type hero he approves of.
11.) Re: the following:
C'mon, you 'n me, mano-a-turtle-o."
If memory serves, the phrase "mano - a - mano" comes from the Spanish for "hand to hand" (NOT "man to man", but we'll ignore that here). Perhaps it might be a smidgen funnier if Mikey made it "mano-a-tortuga-o" instead, using the Spanish word for "turtle".
12.) Re: the following:
How did you know his name was Michelangelo? The only other person who knew that was...
Duh. Saved his life back in the day.
Turtle Titan stares at TT Mikey, scarcely believing his eyes.
You... you really ARE the original. But how...
Time travel accident. Long story. So how did you...
PUSH IN ON TURTLE TITAN - remembering...
Turtle Titan was just an urban legend. "
If the NEW Turtle Titan knows that there WAS an ORIGINAL Turtle Titan and that his name was Michelangelo (and thus, obviously, real), how is it that he can call him an "urban legend"? Doesn't make sense to me.
13.) Re: the following:
"Inside a Bat Cave like lair, a SHADOWY FIGURE (We don't see his face) pours over rotating HOLOGRAPHIC BLUEPRINTS for Turtle Titan's Exo-Armor, Jet Pack and Shell Shield. We can see the cape, cowl and logo hanging up in the b.g. "
That should be "pores", not "pours".
14.) Re: the following:
"TT Mikey <FIRES> his grapple, which <SMASHES> through a safety glass encased CONTROL PANEL. He yanks back, flipping a switch.
WIDE - The ANTI-GRAV GENERATOR <HUMS> to life, washing the entire rink in an ENERGY FIELD, which lifts TT Mikey, Turtle Titan and Triple Threat off the ground. They scramble around weightlessly, spinning and flipping out of control. "
This is not a bad gambit by Mike, but how the heck does he know what to do to turn the antigravity on?