Blast from the Past #461: February 26, 2005: comments on Ep. 110 ("Nightmares Recycled") third draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 110 ("Nightmares Recycled") third draft
Date: Saturday, February 26, 2005 3:04:52 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Before I get into my specific comments, I would like to commend whoever it was who transformed what I considered a weak, non-viable script into one which actually works pretty well. Impressive!


1.) Well, it's not exactly what I was thinking about when I made the suggestion that Hun and Garbageman turn out to be brothers, and it's pretty twisted, but this conjoined-then separated-twins thing actually kind of works. I think we could have gotten a lot more emotional content out of a slightly different approach which would have given Hun and Garbageman more complicated and compelling emotional arcs, but I won't quibble.


However, now that we HAVE established this surprising connection -- one which, if further (and properly) explored, could turn Garbageman into a GREAT character (in my humble opinion) -- it seems a shame to kill him off! (Which is what I think happens, irrevocably it would seem, in this script, wherein Garbageman dissolves in a vat of acid.) I wonder if we should do something which would leave it a little more open-ended, although SEEMING final. Not sure what that would be, exactly. One suggestion -- which I will openly admit strains credulity a tad -- might be that, unknown to our heroes (and Hun) Garbageman is either (a) immune to the effects of that acid through some mutant physiological factor, or (b) he has treated his body with chemicals which allow him to resist the effects of the acid for a short time (something which might be a sensible precaution as operator of Recycle World, with all those carelessly placed vats of acid you can fall into or be splashed by).


2.) Re: the following:

"EXT.  JUNKYARD – DAY 
HUN JR. runs happily holding the freshly removed, unconscious GARBAGEMAN JR, his lower half wrapped in DIRTY BLANKETS.  Hun JR. <TOSSES> Garbageman Jr. into a pile of TRASH.  CAM FOLLOWS Garbageman Jr.’s flight, falling unconscious amid the garbage."

  It seems a little preposterous that young Hun could run right after such a serious  operation... and unlikely as well that -- if his motive in finding the creepy doctor was to just get rid of his conjoined twin -- Hun would care enough about that twin to have the doctor keep the twin alive during or after the operation.


I would suggest a slightly tweaked version, in which Hun and the creepy doctor strike a deal -- the doctor will do the operation, but as payment he gets to keep the malformed twin for his own sick purposes, to experiment on as he sees fit. But at some point the freak turns on the doctor and kills him, then takes over his equipment and supplies ("recycles" them, you might say) to begin his career as Garbageman.


I would prefer this approach for several reasons, not least because a conjoined twin of this nature could not very likely be easily removed -- it would require extra surgery before its systems (circulatory and digestive are the two that come first to mind) could be self-sustaining.


Also, it would be good if there was a LITTLE bit more shading in Hun's attitude toward his "freak" twin. I can easily see that Hun would hate the freak -- who wants to have something like that hanging out of the side of one's body? talk about impediments to a social life! -- but I think he would also have SOME kind of limited affection for it. After all, it's not the freak's fault that he was born the worse half of the combo. Hun should have SOME little bit of nagging guilt that he callously got rid of his brother. In short, I think instead of a "hate" relationship, there should be more of a "love/hate" relationship (with more emphasis on the "hate" part, I'm sure).


3.) I could see how Garbageman could/would recognize Hun when he sees him -- but how could Hun immediately recognize Garbageman? After all, the last time Hun saw his freakish twin, it was a lot younger and smaller, and besides that, Hun most likely assumes that his twin had long since perished.


4.) Re: the following:

"HUN rolls to his feet looking madder than hell when …
ONE OF THE GARBAGE WORKERS lifts a blowpipe (made from real pipe with threads and everything) to his lips and <PFFT>!
ON HUN as a DART <WHIZZES> into his neck.  He staggers, fighting it, but his eyes shut and he falls to the ground.


ON – RAPH AND CASEY start to move in an attack towards the Garbageman.


ON RAPH AND CASEY – DARTS <WHIZ> into each of their necks.  A second later they drop to their knees and pass out. "

There is nothing per se wrong with this, but the obvious question when you introduce such an effective way of neutralizing our heroes is -- why doesn't the bad guy use it EVERY time? I think it would work better for me if something was added to soften up our heroes before they get darted -- like maybe a shock or gas grenade or an electric shock to disorient them momentarily so they can't dodge the darts like they ordinarily would be able to.


5.) Re: the following:

"HUN
After I take care of my brother, I am so going to take care of you guys."

The use of the phrase "so going to" sounds much younger than Hun, more like what a teenager might say. And to use "take care" twice in one line seems a bit much. Here's one suggestion for a way to change this line:


"HUN
After I finish with my brother, I'll take care of you pests."


6.) Re: the following:

"DRAMATIC DOWN SHOT – of Garbageman falling into the acid. 
THE TURTLES AND CO. wince at Garbageman’s demise.  Hun looks on… unmoved.
HUN
Goodbye … brother.
ON GARBAGEMAN’S HAND – reaching out as it sinks into the vat."

I think Hun should not be "unmoved" by Garbageman's apparent demise. No, he shouldn't break down and sob, but I think a little mixed emotions are called for... and this could be sold well by the right reading of the line "Goodbye... brother" and the expression Hun has at that moment.


7.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON – Hun stands near one helicopter with a PURPLE DRAGON PILOT inside.  Casey, April, Raphael and Donatello stand near the large, open side-door.
HUN
This isn’t finished between us.
CASEY
Hun, it ain’t never gonna be finished between us … until one of us is …
HUN
I know.  But, not today.
Hun addresses the pilot.
HUN
Take them wherever they want to go … and no harm comes to them!  They’re under my personal protection … at least for right now."

I think I know what is going on here -- Hun's life was saved in the bowels of Recycle World by the Turtles and Casey, so he "owes them one"... and thus lets/helps them get away THIS time. Right? If so, I think that should be made a little more clear by tweaking the dialogue here.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #445: November 2, 2004: notes on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti", Part 1) second draft, notes on Ep. 100 ("Tale of Master Yoshi") first draft, and comments on premises for Eps. 102 ("Good Genes", Part 1) and 103 ("Good Genes", Part 2)

Subj: notes on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti", Part 1) second draft
Date: Tuesday, November 2, 2004 4:47:10 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 98 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES, looking up at the display.  There’s another display behind them, mostly vegetation and prehistoric bushes.
LEONARDO
Eeesh.  And I thought Raph was the ugliest relative we had.
RAPHAEL
Har-dee-har, Leo."

Leo's line here seems so not-Leo-like. Is he trying to be Mikey?


2.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO (CONT’D)
Anything we do could alter the future… we could unintentionally change our entire timeline!  We can’t leave anything behind, and we have to… ah… ah… AH-CHOOOO!
Don lets loose with another explosive <SNEEZE>."

I don't know if anyone else has already thought of this, but as I was reading this I thought it might be a cool nugget of an idea if the microorganisms in Don's sneeze (a byproduct of his "alien" ooze infection) have some repercussions, i.e. starting some kind of chain of events which lead to mutations of some sort -- maybe a hidden species of weird Cthulian-type creatures, or maybe mutated dinosaurs or something. Might be worth talking about.


3.) Re: the following:

"OTS TURTLES – as they watch the stampede fade away in the distance.  Leo turns to Don.
*LEONARDO
Stuffy nose, huh?"

Leo's line here had me scratching my head, trying to figure out what he was referring to. Then I looked back about FIVE PAGES to see that he was referring to Don's sneeze in the previous act. It's not a big deal, but it does seem kind of disconnected. As it is not a line which is necessary, maybe we should lose it.


4.) At least now I get how Mike has potato chips in the next espisode -- the Turtles are apparently still wearing their "human" disguises from their museum visit. I wonder how this is going to work, visually -- will they look dopey fighting dinos in these "street clothes"? And when are they going to get rid of the clothes?


-- Pete

-----------------


Subj: notes on Ep. 100 ("Tale of Master Yoshi") first draft
Date: Tuesday, November 2, 2004 4:48:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 100 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (V.O. NARRATION)
That night was the first time I saw Utroms... and the first time I became aware of the Foot..."

I wonder if we are opening up a can of worms by having Splinter being aware of Utroms BEFORE the events of the first and second seasons. For some reason, this seems wrong to me -- it feels like it contradicts the continuity we've established. Maybe I'm wrong. In any event, perhaps we should do something to indicate that while Splinter DID see the Utroms back then, what he saw didn't mean anything to him (he was just a rat, after all) and he either forgot it or it never stayed long in his little rat brain.


2.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
Sashimi and sushi.  Fresh from the se-, er, sea."

The "fresh from the sewer" gag doesn't really work for Splinter. Actually, it's kind of weird -- is he actually suggesting that he caught this fish in the SEWERS? I think the lines are superfluous and we can avoid this problem by just taking them out.


3.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
I do!  I have a great story!  Did I ever tell you guys about the time I became the BattleNexus™ champion?! 
WIDER to show Raphael bopping Michelangelo over the head with a chopstick.  
MICHELANGELO
<BAP!>  Ow!
RAPHAEL
You maroon – we were there, of course we know the story!"

I think Raph's line could be more effective/funnier if it reflected the real reason why he's irritated that Mikey wants to tell that story -- not that he and the other Turtles were "there", but that Mikey has told that story SOOOO many times!


4.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Well... I’d rather not.  It’s kind of personal.  (Beat.)  But... but the Ancient One did tell me an intense story about Master Splinter’s master, Hamato Yoshi."

I question the appropriateness of the word "intense" here -- it feels like it's telegraphing too much. Maybe "great" or "wonderful" would be better. Or maybe no modifier word is necessary -- after all, ANY story about Hamato Yoshi would be interesting to the other Turtles.


5.) Re: the following:

"The camera PANS swiftly away from the legs/feet and down the alley that the feet were just walking past and zooms in towards a kung-fu battle in progress: a NINJA GUARDIAN (MORTU) solo against six FOOT NINJA. The Guardian is getting his ass kicked."

I think I raised this question at the outline stage -- my understanding is that the Guardians were always all HUMANS, and while the Utrom Mr. Mortu has a human disguise, he is NOT a Guardian. In any event, it seems that for this scene it isn't necessary at all that the person Yoshi and Mash see being assaulted be a Guardian.


6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
At long last came graduation day.  Sort of.  For when it comes to joining the ranks of the Guardians one either passes... or fails.  You either make it or you don’t.
CUT to Mortu (now we can hear him clearly) and ZOOM in on him as he makes his announcement.
MORTU
...a group of most distinguished skill.  Amongst this class, though, only one of you has shown the skills and abilities, the honor and altruism, worthy of joining the Guardians.  Only one of you...
CUT to the trainees.  Yoshi is surprised but pleased, the other trainees congratulatory, smiling, slapping his back, but not Mash... Mash just glowers at the news.
MORTU (O.C.)
...Hamato Yoshi!"

This raises an interesting question. How do the Utroms deal with any disgruntled failures among these would-be Guardians? After all, they have revealed their alien nature to all of these Guardian candidates, which would seem to leave them very vulnerable to exposure.


7.) Re: the following:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh!  Nothing good ever comes from love."


What a truly bizarre and unpleasant sentiment coming from the Ancient One! I thought he was wise.


8.) I'm pretty disappointed in the last half of this script, nearly everything from Shen's death on. Is it really necessary to have her dead body being carried around for a bunch of pages? And the connection between the Shredder and Mash seems very rushed, without any real setup. I also find it difficult to believe that Yoshi, for all his skill, can go up against the Shredder and kick his ass in the way he does here. And that fight with the Shredder seems kind of pointless, as the REAL deal here is Yoshi settling accounts with his ex-pal Mash. The way the Shredder is treated here makes him seem just like some other cannon-fodder villain.
I think this last half needs to be radically re-thought and restructured to make it more emotional and flow more logically. One thing I think would be a good idea would be to have Yoshi actually SEE what happens to Shen, instead of having it happen somewhere off screen, out of his sight. The way it is now just seems so unsatisfying and unconnected. And more -- a lot more, in my opinion -- needs to be done to show how Mash is connected to the Shredder, to show his gradual drifting away from the Guardians and Yoshi and toward the dark side.
There's also a problem with so clearly showing that Mash is not Yoshi's equal in the martial arts -- it sets up any battle between them being pretty one-sided (Yoshi will obviously kick Mash's ass). I think that Mash's failure to become a Guardian should not be the result of him being a lesser fighter per se, but more because of a failure of spirit... the same failure of spirit which allows him to be drawn to the "dark side".


-- Pete

-------------------


Subj: comments on premises for Eps. 102 ("Good Genes", Part 1) and 103 ("Good Genes", Part 2)
Date: Tuesday, November 2, 2004 9:19:03 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my minor comments on the Ep. 102 and 103 premises.


1.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, Bishop learns through a disguised informant in the Foot organization that the Foot has in their possession an artifact that could hold the key to finally stabilizing his genetic experiments. His informant gives him all the information he could need: how to get it, how to use it once he’s got it, etc."

I'd like to know more about this artifact and how anyone could know that it might have the effect described. Sounds a bit iffy.
Even though the artifact turns out to be a dud/fake in Ep. 103, there should be SOMETHING which convinces Bishop that this artifact is the real deal... and part of that is establishing that the mysterious informant who is in contact with Bishop would be someone who would likely know this information (someone in the Foot Science division, perhaps?).


2.) Re: the following:

"But, he must have that artifact.  The Foot informant tells Bishop that necessity makes strange bedfellows and that the answer to his quandary will be presenting itself shortly…"

I assume this mysterious informant is talking about the Turtles. If so, how can he/she/it POSSIBLY know that the Turtles will become involved? (Having now read the premise for Ep. 103, I now know that the informant is one of the Foot Mystics. But the question still applies. Are we saying that the Foot Mystics can see into the future? That would seem to open up a big can of worms.)


3.) Re: the following:

"Then, Bishop examines the artifact the Turtles have procured for him.  He follows the instructions given to him by his mysterious Foot informant, only to have the artifact crumble to dust before his eyes!  He has been duped.  And, he is not happy about it."

I would think that part of the "instructions" would be something that requires that the artifact be destroyed/crushed/broken/burned/whatever, so that it is apparent that whatever power it once held to keep the Foot Mystics under control is now gone, due to whatever Bishop has done to it. And it should also be made clear that while what Bishop does to the artifact is no big deal, it was magically IMPOSSIBLE for the Mystics to do it -- which is why they had to manipulate the Turtles and Bishop into doing it for them.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #420: August 3, 2004: comments on Ep. 87 ("Aliens Among Us") first draft, notes on Ep. 91 ("Samurai Tourist") premise, and comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") premise

Subj: comments on Ep. 87 first draft
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 12:50:07 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 87 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Heads up!  The Eagle is on the move!"

No real problem with "Eagle", but I wonder if it might be fun to use one of the actual codenames used for the President which is kind of silly-sounding -- "POTUS", for President Of The United States. (And as I read further, I see that Bishop actually uses this codename.)


2.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
I should be a secret service agent.
MICHELANGELO
What would the secret be?  Your smell?"

I think this is a good place for a joke, but Mikey's here is LAME, and really makes no sense. Maybe he should say something like "I think you'd have a little trouble with the height requirement, Raph!" That's not great, but at least it's not inane. Or maybe it should have something to do with "standing out in a crowd", which Raph would and which is a big no-no for the Secret Service.


3.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
(very serious)
Don… you don’t think… could this be the Shredder?"

Leo's question seems very strange to me (plus the line is superfluous). Why would he leap to that conclusion? As far as I can see, there is nothing about what they are seeing that screams "Shredder".


4.) I wonder if it would be handy if the Secret Service agents who are driving the President around are actually "plants" -- Bishop's men -- as their staged reactions might help to enhance the illusion of reality for the "alien" attack. To set it up, we might show these guys with Bishop earlier on.


5.) When the "alien" ships show up, I think it would be a perfect moment for someone (maybe the cabdriver mentioned in that scene) to groan out "Not again...!" (referring, of course, to the Triceraton invasion in season 3).


6.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Hey, the parameters were scary, able to follow basic orders, and fire weapons… hand to hand fighting wasn’t on the list.  The physical battering must be accelerating the breakdown."

I don't think Stockman would say "Hey"... and "the parameters were scary" seems off too. "Scary"? Doesn't seem like a way Stockman would describe something. I might suggest changing it as follows:


"STOCKMAN
Your parameters were to make them able to follow basic orders, and fire weapons… hand to hand fighting wasn’t on the list.  The physical battering must be accelerating the breakdown."


7.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ON THE SKY – the Saucer begins to slowly drift away, while the dozens of other ships in the distance stay still.  An AIR FORCE JET streaks into FRAME from behind CAMERA, firing its <MACHINE GUNS>, but the shots are stopped by a shimmering FORCE FIELD which appears when hit (only when hit)."

Would the Air Force jet fire on a ship which has just kidnapped the President? 


8.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Are you that whacked in the head?  The only place you’re going is pain-ville."

A minor point, but I think it's "wacked" (as in "wacky"), not "whacked".


9.) I'm overall quite pleased with the way this one turned out.


-- Pete

-------------------------------------


Subj: notes on EP. 91 premise
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 6:43:20 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep. 91 premise


1.) Re: the following:

"Usagi and Gen come to NYC for a visit."

Nothing wrong with this... but I wonder if we might think up something which would invest this story with a little more drama and purpose. For example, what if Usagi and Gen did not come to our world just for fun, but they are actually pursuing someone, some evildoer, from THEIR world who has escaped into ours? This could be a cool way of bringing in more UY characters.
(Of course, I just read the end of this one and saw the bit where Splinter had actually asked Usagi to come... which is also fine, but still...)


2.) Re: the following:

"We’ll do a gag where Gen has tried on some new clothes and he looks suspiciously like RockSteady from the old show."

I laughed out loud.
Actually, if we wanted to play up the "Bebop and Rocksteady" gag, AND wanted to use my idea of Usagi and Gen pursuing a character from their universe, maybe Stan could create a warthog-based villain who could -- once we redress him (he might do this to blend in with our world) and if you squinted at the right angle -- kind of look like Bebop from the old show.


3.) I'm not 100% sure that getting Bishop and Stockman involved in this tale is a good idea, simply because the story is somewhat lighthearted and those guys are really nasty. I wonder if perhaps it should be Hun and the Purple Dragons who encounter Gen... maybe they try to recruit him! He might, in some strange way, fit right in with them (up to a point). And it might make sense that the "Rocksteady" clothes he puts on come from the PD.


4.) This reminder is probably not necessary, but -- Stan Sakai should be copied on all of this. Actually, I'm not sure if he has approved the appearance of Usagi and Gen in this episode -- not that I think he wouldn't, but we should be sure to dot all i's and cross all t's before we go off and do lots of work on it.




-- Pete

--------------------------------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 92 premise
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 7:10:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 92 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"But Splinter will hear none of it.  He tells Leo that there is but one other master in all the world that Leo can turn to.  He is an ancient, wise, skilled, learned master who rarely takes on new pupils.  He is the sensei who taught Splinter’s own sensei, Hamato Yoshi, the ways of Ninjutsu. "

I think we need to do something here to explain -- at least a little bit -- how Hamato Yoshi's master can still be alive, as I'm sure Leo himself would wonder about that. Also, is this "Ancient One" a Guardian? Is he human?


2.) Re: the following:

"At any rate, Leo will eventually come to the realization that his rude, stinky, sloppy traveling companion is in fact the Ancient One that he has been seeking all along.  And he will realize that what he has come here for he has already learned on the journey!"

Cool! I seriously hope this marks the end of the "morose Leo" period. One thing that might be kind of fun is to do a bit where Leo has just about fully concluded that, indeed, his weird companion is the "Ancient One", but he wants to force the Ancient One's hand and reveal himself in a test of some kind. What I'm thinking is that Leo will do something like spill a cup of tea over an artifact of some kind that his companion clearly values highly (maybe a scroll), and -- to save the artifact from being doused with tea, the Ancient One has to perform some incredible, nigh-on impossible acrobatic ninja move where he does a triple flip and sticks a landing on some highly improbable surface (upright bamboo sticks or something) while simultaneously whisking the scroll out of harms way AND catching the falling tea cup AND doing that in a way so as to actually CATCH the tea as it's spilling out. It's a breathtaking display of the soul of ninjutsu, and Leo bows to the master... who is a little disgruntled that Leo has tricked him into revealing himself in this manner, but he realizes that Leo has learned what he needs to learn and has earned the right to know who he is. (Should we think up a different name than "Ancient One"? After all, that's what Doctor Strange's teacher was called in the Marvel comics. Here are a couple of  possibilities:


-- The Venerable
-- The Master Sage)






-- Pete

Blast from the Past # 419: August 2, 2004: Re: FW: Outline 89 ("Still Nobody") and August 3, 2004: comments on Ep. 85 ("A Wing and a Prayer") "final" draft

Subj: Re: FW: Outline 89
Date: Monday, August 2, 2004 12:36:41 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 7/29/04 8:05:38 PM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

<<Hey Pete -


Here's an outline based on the premise you hated!  ;)


Mike Ryan claims he's fixed it up quite a bit based on the notes I gave
him (though I haven't read this yet).


Anyway, give the outline a read and see if you think it approved at all.
Also, if you still despise it, see if you have any suggestions on how to
fix it up.  I know you had objected to the BS&P ridiculousness of some
of lack of real handguns, but keep in mind that we have already
established in the series that there was lots of alien ordinance that
got into the hands of thugs and gangs (the anti-alien terrorists in
H.A.T.E., the Purple Dragons, the thugs who come after Casey's cousin
Sid to name a few).


Also, I would very much love to see another Nobody appearance, so I'm
reluctant to chuck the whole enchilada!


Lemme know your thoughts!


Thanks,


Lloyd>>


Lloyd,


The new draft is actually pretty good (kudos to the writer), and I don't have any comments on it except to say that it is VASTLY improved from the previous one. Oh, and maybe that we emphasize that the laser weapons these punks have gotten from the Purple Dragons really ARE out of their league, and they should not be seen as being as capable as Hun and the PD's at using this kind of techy ordnance.


My strong objection to what I think I called the "peculiar idiocy" of the BS&P stuff in that previous draft really came from what I saw as a REALLY over the top example of how crazy this BS&P stuff can get -- I mean, here we have some stupid punks who want to scare an old guy... and they're going after him with LASER GUNS??!!


In any event, the new draft is something that I think I can live with. I look forward to seeing it in outline form.

-- Pete

------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 85 "final" draft
Date: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 11:57:27 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 85 "final" draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR
What of the memory crystal?
Blank stares from the turtles.
ON – RAPTARR moves towards a wall.  He runs his fingers along some different Y’Lyntian designs …
RAPTARR
Let us see … here …
… as Raptarr’s hand passes over some of the designs they start to GLOW and <HUM> slightly and then …
WIDER ON ROOM – A part of the ceiling over the pool starts to GLOW and <HUM> and…
CLOSER UP ANGLE ON – The GLOWING PART of the ceiling <DISCONNECTS> and lowers directly down (towards CAMERA) and …
WIDER AS – A large <GLOWING> crystal lowers out of the ceiling over the pool.  Around its base, several smaller crystals project/jut out.
RAPTARR flies over and looks at them … he runs a hand along the crystals.
RAPTARR
Perfect.  These will do."

I like this bit, with the implication that Raptarr, with his Avian/Y'Lyntian heritage, knows more about the crystals -- and, in this instance, the lair -- than the Turtles do. But the fact that there is NO reaction from the Turtles to this move on Raptarr's part is kind of strange. I would think that a "Whoa!" or "How'd you do that?" from one or more of them would be appropriate. In fact, Don might say something like "I thought I searched (or scanned) the whole lair from top to bottom for crystals... how -- ?" And Raptarr could give a little shrug and say something like "It's... an Avian (or Y'Lyntian) thing."


2.) Re: the following:

"MEPHOS
Excellent.  I am getting the hang of this.  Now, to destroy one of the surface crawler’s cities … let’s say Beijing."

Two things -- "getting the hang of this" (aside from being somewhat superfluous) seems like too slangy a phrase for Mephos... and do we have something against Beijing?! Didn't we torture that poor city enough in the Triceraton invasion arc? Maybe we should pick another city.


3.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON MEPHOS – He slowly raises his head, looks around and screams when he realizes… PULL BACK.
MEPHOS
Nooooooooooooooooo!
…his wings are still welded the section of the decorative chamber wall that has been cut out and propped up against the cell wall.  His arms and legs are also shackled to the section of wall.  "

It's astonishing to me that this ludicrous bit has survived through so many drafts. Please, per my earlier comments/suggestions, change or remove it. I think it would be enough that Mephos lose his wings again for him to be horrified by his fate.


4.) Much improved, overall, though there are a few things to (easily) tweak still.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #418: August 2, 2004: notes on Ep. 85 ("A Wing and a Prayer") second draft

Subj: notes on Ep. 85 second draft
Date: Monday, August 2, 2004 12:28:57 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 85 second draft.


1.) Here's something from my first set of comments which still, unfortunately, applies to this draft of the script:


"Then this is followed by this other goofy bit:


"NEW LOW ANGLE - Master Splinter suddenly leaps up on the back of the couch behind Raptarr and jabs him in the shoulder with the index and middle finger of each hand.  Raptarr sits up in shock.
RAPTARR
Ahhh!
CLOSER – Splinter twists his fingers on the spots on Raptarr’s shoulder and back, then he pulls away.
WIDER – Splinter jumps down from the couch.  
SPLINTER
That was ancient ninja remedy.  Pressure points that will redirect the flow of chi to remove pain.
Raptarr stand up and stretches out his wing.  He doesn’t wince."


Why is Splinter LEAPING? It makes no sense in context. And why is he talking like a stereotypical English-challenged Asian ("That was ancient ninja remedy")? But most of all, why bother with the splinting and bandaging if all Splinter has to do is poke Raptarr in the shoulder with his fingers and it's all better??!! Dopey."

2.) Re: the following:

"*RAPTARR
Wait.  This place! It is of Y’lantian design.  Are you Y’lantian creations?
*WIDER ANGLE – to include turtles and Splinter.
*DONATELLO
No, our story’s kinda complicated.  We found this place … and made it our home.  But you … you’re an Avian?
*RAPTARR
Yes.  My name is Raptarr, an Avian created by the Y’lantians."

Don's line "But you... you're an Avian?" makes a couple of leaps that I think are made too quickly here, and Raptarr's response is too flat (and literally WRONG, unless we are saying that Raptarr is one of the ORIGINAL Avians, which doesn't seem right). And I was right about the spelling -- it is Y'Lyntian, NOT Y'Lantian (see Ep. 68).I think something like this would work better:

"*DONATELLO
No, our story’s kinda complicated.  We found this place … and made it our home.  But... how do you know about the Y'Lyntians?
*RAPTARR
 My name is Raptarr. I am an Avian -- and long ago, the Y'Lyntians created my people."


3.) Re: the following:

"*RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
When we gained our freedom, my ancestors took shards of the Y’lantians’ crystal. 
INT. AVIAN CRYSTAL CHAMBER – AVIAN CITY - DAY
CLOSE ON - LARGE GLOWING <HUMMING> CRYSTAL ORB made from crystal shards.  PULL BACK AT DOWNWARD ANGLE - the orb hovers between three twenty-foot tall, wing-shaped arcs, with tall obelisk perches sit between them.  NINE ENERGY BEAMS shoot from the orb into the arcs.  WIDEN - This set up is inside a large circular chamber (with decorative wall) with a domed roof with a hole in the top to let in the sun and huge arched doors.
*RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
With these remnants they constructed a new crystal orb, powerful enough to keep aloft the magnificent city they built…
EXT. BLUE SKY WITH FLUFFY WHITE CLOUDS - DAY
*UP ANGLE – Clouds in the FG part to reveal the floating AVIAN CITY, A CLUSTER OF MAGNIFICENT TOWERS AND SKYWALKS BUILT AROUND A RING, A HALF-SPHERE, AND WITH A ENTRANCE TUNNEL THROUGH THE BOTTOM.  Avians fly around it and into the city.  "

There's something odd to me about this scenario. The way it is presented here, the Avians seemingly took pieces of the crystal and flew away from sinking Y'Lyntias... and then some time later they built their floating city. It strikes me that unless they already HAD some kind of floating living area to begin with (as I suggested in my last set of notes) and on which to build, it would be very odd for them to get this idea to build a city in the clouds. Wouldn't it make more sense that they would try to find the high places in the mountains or great forests, and make their "nests" there? I'm having a hard time trying to envision HOW the Avians made their cloud city -- did they build it on the ground, and then install the crystal and made it float? Seems unlikely. Did they build it AROUND the crystal as it hovered in the air, hauling pieces of stone up from the surface? Seems REALLY unlikely. It seems a lot more likely (at least to me) that they originally lived in some kind of floating environment and when they broke from Y'Lyntias, that environment served as the basis for what became over time their magnificent floating city.

4.) Sorry to repeat myself, but because the section of the script in question shows no changes, here is what I said last time:

"Re: the following:


"MED SHOT ON MEPHOS AN RAPTARR – Mephos pushes Raptarr back. At the last second, Raptarr spins them so Mephos hits spikes.  TRUCK OUT as Mephos hangs from the spikes by his wings, screaming in anguish and anger.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AVIAN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – DAY
DOWN SHOT - Mephos (with only stubs for wings) falls AWAY FROM CAM down the tunnel to Earth, his face twisted, screaming.
RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
Mephos was beaten, his wings lost and he was exiled to the world below.  But I felt he was not gone forever. "

This is all very murky. What exactly happened to Mephos' wings? Did they get torn off in the battle? Did the other Avians remove them as punishment? What about the other Avians who sided with Mephos -- were they punished similarly? And why is Mephos shown FALLING to Earth with no wings -- wouldn't that likely kill him? I think it probably makes sense that both Mephos and his allies would be punished and exiled -- wingless -- to the surface. It might also then be cool if Mephos was the only one of this group to survive exile, mainly due to the inner strength fueled by his hatred of the Avians who cast him out.
Also, I need to get a handle on WHEN this all happened. How long-lived are the Avians? Did this happen millennia/centuries/decades ago?"


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I hope these diadems work.
RAPHAEL
What happens if they don’t?
CLOSER – <WIND> The crystal in the diadem SHIMMERS. Raptarr smiles and points the way OS.
RAPTARR
We will be incinerated by the city’s force shield."

"Force shield"??? Where did that come from? I don't recall that from any past discussions. And it's not even necessary, and kind of goes against the whole idea behind the diadems, which is that they give you the power to SEE the floating city. How about the following change:

"DONATELLO
I hope these diadems work.
RAPHAEL
What happens if they don’t?
CLOSER – <WIND> The crystal in the diadem SHIMMERS. Raptarr smiles and points the way OS.
RAPTARR
If they do not work, we will not be able to see the city -- and we will either fly right BY it... or crash right INTO it at flying speed."

6.)  Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES – Mikey and Don horror stricken. Leo and Raph grim.  Raptarr looking mad as hell."

Once more -- "Horror stricken"...? Seems a bit much.


7.) Re: the following:

"*OLD AVIAN’S POV – TRUCK IN ON DOUBLE DOORS - <THUD – THUD> (BEAT)  Mephos wing tips pierce each side of the double doors.  <CLANK - CLANK>  The doors are <RIPPED> off and hurled back behind him by his metal wings, revealing Mephos and five Avian guards."

This is still in the script and it's STILL lame. If Mephos' wings have THAT kind of power, he should have little problem wiping the floor with Raptarr.

8.) Re: the following:

"Mephos starts to beat his wings creating tremendous <WINDS> inside the chamber.
ANGLE ON LEO AND RAPH – TRACK them as they are buffeted by the hurricane wind, they tumble through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beams.
MED ON RAPTARR – TRACK them as they are buffeted by the hurricane wind he tumbles through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beam.
DOWN ANGLE ON MIKE AND DON – buffeted by the hurricane wind they tumble through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beams.
WIDE ANGLE – as the beams burn and blast the walls and the heroes are tossed in the hurricane winds."

So we get rid of the goofy "hurricane winds" bit from earlier in the script -- only to have it reappear in quadruplicate here? Oh my god...


9.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON MEPHOS – He slowly raises his head, looks around and screams when he realizes… PULL BACK.
MEPHOS
Nooooooooooooooooo!
…his wings are still welded the section of the decorative chamber wall that has been cut out and propped up against the cell wall.  His arms and legs are also shackled to the section of wall.  "

This is STILL in the script, and it's STILL idiotic. We are asked to believe that the other Avians would, rather than simply cut Mephos' melted metal wings off of his body and throw him in the prison, they actually CUT OUT A WHOLE SECTION OF THE CHAMBER WALL AND THROW THAT IN PRISON! The mind boggles...


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #417: July 20, 2004: Ep. 84 ("Grudge Match") second draft, and July 28, 2004: comments on Ep. 85 ("A Wing and a Prayer") first draft

Subj: Ep. 84 second draft
Date: Tuesday, July 20, 2004 1:43:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd, 


Here are my notes on second draft of Ep. 84.


1.) I don't have any comments, except to say -- much improved! And approved! Please pass along my heartfelt appreciation to whoever is responsible for making this one work.


-- Peter

------------------------------------------------------

Subj: comments on Ep. 85 first draft
Date: Wednesday, July 28, 2004 1:27:30 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 85 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR (V.O.)
I have watched over your world from on high for too long, never knowing what it was like to walk among men.


RAPTARR (V.O.)
But times have changed.  The world of man encroaches into the heavens."

Raptarr's voiceover in the Preview seems a bit off. The use of "have" in the first line implies that up to this point (of this story), he hasn't had anything to do with the human world... which is not the character of Raptarr as I know it. I believe we set him up as someone who has been doing this for a while, even gaining recognition as a "superhero". 
And I don't get this "world of man encroaches into the heavens" thing. What encroaching? 


2.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE - Michelangelo runs onto a TV aerial and springboards off it to…"


That's one sturdy TV aerial.


3.) Re: the following:

"DOWN ANGLE – Mephos flies out over an alley, between buildings.  One of Mephos wings sweeps Michelangelo off and he falls."

I don't understand how, if Mike is sitting on Mephos' shoulders with his legs wrapped around his head, one of Mephos' wings can "sweep" him off. How does that work?


4.) Re: the following:

"OTS RAPTARR – TRUCK IN as he catches up to the more amazed than fearful Michelangelo.  The ground is coming up fast.
MICHELANGELO
Whoa, cooool!"

Mike's "Whoa, cooool!" line only makes ANY sense if Raptarr has caught (i.e. grabbed to stop his descent) him -- which is not immediately clear the way it is written (at least to me).


5.) Re: the following:

"UP ANGLE – That’s when one of Raptarr’s wings cinches up, and he looks like he’s in pain.
RAPTARR (CONT’D)
<Aah!>
DOWN ANGLE – the birdman tries to control his decent with his good wing, but they end up spiraling down.
LOW ANGLE from alley – ask Mikey <crashes> onto his back, and Raptarr lands hard beside him.
NEW ANGLE ON RAPTARR AND MICHELANGELO – Raptarr kneels over Michelangelo.
RAPTARR
(a little uncertain)
Are you… all right?"

This action seems a bit pointless, especially the bit about Raptarr's wing suddenly (and for no apparent reason) "cinching" (?!) up. Then when he crashes next to Mikey, he apparently is unhurt by the fall... so why bother with it? I'm not saying that we shouldn't have scene where characters fall and don't get hurt, but it seems that it would be better if there was a decent reason for it, even if it is -- for example (and I admit not a GREAT example) -- a little slapstick-type bit where they crash land in a Dumpster and climb out with banana peels and other garbage decorating them.


6.) Re: the following:

"LOW ANGLE - Raptarr sits up.  He winces when he tries to spread his right wing and notices that it is SPLINTED AND BANDAGED.
DON
Your, uh, wing was sprained… so we splinted it."

Does it seem weird to anyone that the Turtles were able to diagnose a "sprained" wing while Raptarr was unconscious? Isn't a sprain the kind of thinkg you can only discern when the patient is AWAKE?
Then this is followed by this other goofy bit:

"NEW LOW ANGLE - Master Splinter suddenly leaps up on the back of the couch behind Raptarr and jabs him in the shoulder with the index and middle finger of each hand.  Raptarr sits up in shock.
RAPTARR
Ahhh!
CLOSER – Splinter twists his fingers on the spots on Raptarr’s shoulder and back, then he pulls away.
WIDER – Splinter jumps down from the couch.  
SPLINTER
That was ancient ninja remedy.  Pressure points that will redirect the flow of chi to remove pain.
Raptarr stand up and stretches out his wing.  He doesn’t wince."

Why is Splinter LEAPING? It makes no sense in context. And why is he talking like a stereotypical English-challenged Asian ("That was ancient ninja remedy")? But most of all, why bother with the splinting and bandaging if all Splinter has to do is poke Raptarr in the shoulder with his fingers and it's all better??!! Dopey.

7.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR (OS)
This place, it’s of Y’Lantian design!"

(Note: is the correct spelling "Y'Lantian? That seems wrong somehow, and too close to "Atlantian" in pronunciation. WIthout checking back to past scripts, I think it is supposed to be "Y'Lyntian".) I think it is cool that Raptarr makes the connection between the lair and the Y'Lyntian culture. But... I thought that the lair itself is supposed to look like a HUMAN design  -- and the Y'Lyntian part (the elevator to the surface) was originally HIDDEN (remember how Mikey found it by accident while pounding a spike in into the wall?). If you think about it, nothing about the lair (aside from that elevator) looks particularly alien or non-human. I think for the sake of logic and continuity, we should have Raptarr make the connection to Y'Lyntian culture because he sees the elevator -- maybe Mikey or one of the other Turtles arrives in it from some errand, and that's when Raptarr notices it.


8.) Re: the following:

"DON
Of course!  You’re the race of bird men created by the Y’lantians."

I think this line would read better if we added "one of" as follows:


"DON
Of course!  You’re one of the race of bird men created by the Y’lantians."


Actually, as I reread that now, should we have Don say something other than "bird men" to describe Raptarr's people? "Bird men" seems kind of juvenile (like something Mikey might say).


9.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
With these remnants they constructed a new crystal orb which was powerful enough to keep aloft a vast city…"

Reading this made me start thinking about how the Avians ended up with this flying city. It seems perhaps a bit much that they built it from scratch and made it fly after Y'Lyntias sank. What if it was originally the "pigeon coop", if you will, where the Avians lived while in thrall to the Y'Lyntians? I'm envisioning a floating aerie originally tethered (probably with less than a thousand feet of cable/chain) to the continent of Y'Lyntias, kept aloft by a small crystal. The rationale could be that the vain Y'Lyntians didn't want the home of their flying slaves in any way befouling their precious land, and so kept them in this "bird cage" away from the mainland of Y'Lyntias. The irony is that when the cataclysm came, and Y'Lyntias sank beneath the waves, it was this "bird cage" which saved the Avians, as, in a desperate two-pronged struggle, they severed the chain/cable (could be a cool visual) and also stole larger crystals to allow their home to go higher into the sky and become their floating city. (I envision that the Avians would have, over time, gradually enhanced/improved/enlarged their original "bird cage".)
It might also be cool to mention that they did not right away have the invisibility cloak for the city -- this was something that they developed in the centuries after they gained their freedom, having predicted (correctly) that at some point in the future humans would build flying machines. It could be neat if during that time that the Avians' flying city DIDN'T have the cloak, the sight of it in the skies, glimpsed by ancient humans on the ground, gave birth to certain legends.


10.) Re: the following:

"INT. COUNSEL/CRYSTAL CHAMBER – AVIAN CITY - DAY
HIGH DOWN ANGLE – three old Avians are perched on the perches around the crystal. MEPHOS (WITH REGULAR WINGS) stands before them with other MISC. AVIANS and Raptarr. "

This "perched on the perches" description makes me nervous -- the writer does know that the Avians are NOT birds, right?


11.) Re: the following:

"MED SHOT ON MEPHOS AN RAPTARR – Mephos pushes Raptarr back. At the last second, Raptarr spins them so Mephos hits spikes.  TRUCK OUT as Mephos hangs from the spikes by his wings, screaming in anguish and anger.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AVIAN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – DAY
DOWN SHOT - Mephos (with only stubs for wings) falls AWAY FROM CAM down the tunnel to Earth, his face twisted, screaming.
RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
Mephos was beaten, his wings lost and he was exiled to the world below.  But I felt he was not gone forever. "

This is all very murky. What exactly happened to Mephos' wings? Did they get torn off in the battle? Did the other Avians remove them as punishment? What about the other Avians who sided with Mephos -- were they punished similarly? And why is Mephos shown FALLING to Earth with no wings -- wouldn't that likely kill him? I think it probably makes sense that both Mephos and his allies would be punished and exiled -- wingless -- to the surface. It might also then be cool if Mephos was the only one of this group to survive exile, mainly due to the inner strength fueled by his hatred of the Avians who cast him out.
Also, I need to get a handle on WHEN this all happened. How long-lived are the Avians? Did this happen millennia/centuries/decades ago?


12.) Unrelated to this script, but perhaps germane if we ever return to the Avians and their floating city -- I was thinking it might be cool if over the years of human flight, some unlucky humans had blundered into/crashed into the flying city, and -- for security reasons -- never been allowed to leave. It might be fun to tell a kind of "Bermuda Triangle" story using this idea.


13.) Not that EVERYTHING in this series has to be connected, but... would it be a cool thing if somehow Bishop (or Stockman, or Malignus) was involved in the backstory of how Mephos got his new metal robo-wings? Not that we need to go into  it in detail in this episode, but if we wanted this connection, it might be fun to drop a hint about it.


14.) Re: the following:

"RAPTARR
But as long as he doesn’t have a crystal diadem.
RAPH
What’s a diadem?
DONATELLO leans over and half whispers to Raph.
DONATELLO
Uhm, would that be the thing Mephos grabbed off your head after he knocked you out?
RAPTARR reaches up and panics when he realizes it’s gone.
RAPTARR
No! "

This feels wrong on several levels. Raph seems like a dope with his question. And if Don is half-whispering to Raph, why is he saying "the thing Mephos grabbed off your head"? Mephos didn't grab anything off Raph's head. This feels like  a silly/stupid attempt at humor which just falls flat. Why not just have Don speak directly to Raptarr, referencing the diadem that Mephos took during the fight? Actually, wouldn't Mephos realize as he's speaking about it that the diadem is no longer on his head? Maybe this whole goofy exchange is unnecessary. I wouldn't miss it if it were removed.


15.) Re: the following:

"REVERSE ANGLE – Mephos flies <SCREECHING METAL WINGS> through the center of the tunnel TOWARD CAMERA.  PULL BACK."

"SCREECHING METAL WINGS"...? What's up with that? What''s causing them to screech? Or is this just a Mephos-specific "flying sound" that the writer is suggesting, and not the result of some action (i.e. the metal wings actually scraping on the tunnel walls)?


16.) Re: the following:

"WIDE OTS MEPHOS - As Guards descend Mephos beats his wings, generating a hurricane wind that blows the Avians backwards."

Stupid cartoon physics. How can Mephos generate a "hurricane wind " that doesn't blow HIM back too? ("Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.")


17.) Re: the following:

"MEPHOS
Join me and we will create a new Avian!  Oppose me and perish!
LOW ANGLE ON GUARDS – PAN as some kneel and bow to Mephos to the surprise
Mephos smiles wickedly."

"A new Avian"...? What does that mean?
Also, these guards aren't much if they turn on their rightful rulers just because of this fight. This was a weak point in the premise and it's STILL weak.


18.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES – Mikey and Don horror stricken. Leo and Raph grim.  Raptarr looking mad as hell."

"Horror stricken"...? Seems a bit much.


19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
We’re too late.
RAPTARR
Maybe not.
WIDER - Raptarr looks up.
RAPTARR (CONT’D)
Come!  He’s heading for the Crystal Chamber!"

Couple of goofy things: Why does "horror stricken" Don say they're too late? Just because they see some guards trussed up? Seems to be jumping to conclusions. And how does Raptarr KNOW that Mephos is "heading for the Crystal Chamber"? Or is this just a guess on his part?


20.) Re: the following:

"OLD AVIAN’S POV – TRUCK IN ON DOUBLE DOORS - <THUD – THUD> (BEAT)  Mephos wing tips pierce each side of the double doors.  <CLANK - CLANK>  The doors are <RIPPED> off, revealing Mephos, and hurled back behind him by his metal wings."

I suspect the writer has recently seen the second Spider-Man movie and liked the way Doc Ock's tentacles could do all these sorts of things. But somehow I don't see Mephos' metal WINGS having the same kind of power, i.e. to tear huge metal doors off their hinges.


21.) Re: the following:

"BACK ON MICHELANGELO AND RAPH - looking smug… until the slack is taken up on their lines and the two turtles are hoisted up OS with looks of surprise.  CAM ADJUST to Leo and Don.
DON
Are we going to let them have all the fun?
Leo and Don launch themselves, flying up OS."

Does it make any sense that -- if the Turtles are still wearing their flying rigs, as is made evident here -- that Mike and Raph would be "hoisted up OS with looks of surprise"? If they're still wearing and using the flying rigs, wouldn't it make MORE sense that they are fighting the Avians while in the air?
I have to say that I'd rather the Turtles DON'T use their flying rigs during this fight (I mean, how good could they be in them if this is really their first time using them?), and in fact prefer that they (temporarily) ditch them so that they are not encumbered and can fight as true ninja.


22.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON UNCONSCIOUS GUARDSMEN BELOW – They awaken from their ninja induced naps."

Let's see -- it's been, like, what -- about a minute since they were "ninja pinched" into unconsciousness?  Not a very effective ninja move, then.


23.) Re: the following:

"GUARDSMAN #1
Will you surrender creature?
MICHELANGELO
Let me answer that question with a head butt."

REALLY stupid dialogue.


24.) Re: the following:

"Raptarr grabs Mephos in the gut with his elbow."

Wow... elbows that GRAB? These Avians are cool!


25.) Re: the following:

"WIDE UP ANGLE - …sweeping Raptarr up with one of his wings and hurling hard at the domed ceiling.  TRUCK IN as Raptarr breaks through the ceiling.
EXT. CRYSTAL CHAMBER TOWER – DAY
DOWN ANGLE – as Raptarr’s limp body breaks through the ceiling, tumbles up through the air.  But he recovers, beating his wings to stabilize himself."

Hmm... didn't I see a scene nearly exactly like this in Spider-Man 2, when Doc Ock hurls Spidey through a window in his dockside lair?


26.) Re: the following:

"ON SECTION OF DOME WITH DAGGERS IN IT - Cracks form rapidly, and debris falls.  Suddenly a fifteen foot section of the ceiling caves in and falls OS.
DOWNSHOT – the ceiling falls straight down, near the wall.
BACK ON RAPTARR – a look of panic comes over him.
WIDE ANGLE – pan with the falling piece of ceiling.  ZIP PAN DOWN to see that it’s going to drop on Raptarr’s father.
ON TURTLES – still fighting guardsmen.  They see the danger, too.
DOWNSHOT – the ceiling continues to fall straight down, near the wall. "

Wait a minute -- isn't this the same dome that, apparently from the previous scene, you can be hurled through without being harmed? Why then is anyone worried about pieces of it falling on them? It can't be that substantial.


27.) Re: the following:

"ON RAPTARR – He strains to stand up, pushing off the piece of ceiling pinning him. He rises out of frame.
RAPTARR
<long strained grunt>"

And yet another bit lifted right out of Spider-Man 2...!


28.) Re: the following:

"PAN WITH MICHELANGELO – as he rockets in past Raptarr and catching Mephos off guard tackles him.
MICHELANGELO
Waa-hooo! Just like catchin’ some air. "

Mike's line is inane.


29.) Re: the following:

"DOWN ANGLE - Mephos removes two feather daggers from his wings and stabs them into Michelangelo’s back.  They only go in a quarter of the way.
MICHELANGELO
Yaarrh!"

Hmm... the daggers only go in a "quarter of the way". What, exactly, does that mean? A quarter of their length... or a quarter of the way through Mike's shell? And, if the latter, why does Mike go "Yaarh!" -- which I take to be a pain response? It's just his shell, after all.


30.) Re: the following:

"RAPH
So, what are we standing here for?  Let’s go kick some stuffing into that turkey. "

Now it's Raph's turn for an inane line.


31.) Re: the following:

"Mephos beats his wings and the heroes are buffeted down OS by a hurricane wind."

The "hurricane wind" thing is STILL stupid.


32.) Re: the following:

"They crouch behind some ruble."

That is some GIGANTIC Russian coin! (Sorry... couldn't resist.)


33.) The denouement of this fight is ridiculous, as we are asked to buy that somehow, Don is capable of manipulating this crystal gizmo WHICH HE HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE in a way which SPECIFICALLY takes down Mephos. Then the bit with Mephos waking up in his cell with the section of wall still welded to his wings is just LAME.


34.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE - Leo squats at the end of a long platform perch extending from one of the highest towers in the city.
NEW ANGLE - Michelangelo plunks down beside him, legs swinging over the edge.
MICHELANGELO
What up, Bro?
LEO
Just thinking.
MICHELANGELO
‘Bout what?
LEO
What if I can’t cut it anymore?
MIKEY
What?
LEO
Leading.  Fighting.  Winning…  Everything.
MIKEY
You can’t let that control you.  Leo, we’ve gone through some pretty rough times together, faced some scary stuff.
LEO
That we have.
MIKEY
Okay, okay.  But when I’m up against the bad guys and I’m freakin’ out, I think, “What would Leo do?”  (long beat) You’re my hero, bro.
Leo doesn’t respond.  Mikey continues to stare at him.  Leo gives a slight smile.
ON LEO AND MICHELANGELO – at the end of the parapet – PULL BACK TO A WIDE SHOT OF THE TOWERS – as Raptarr, Raph and Don walk up behind them."

What the f--?! Where did all THIS come from? Why is Leo doing this soul-searching right here, right now? What a BAD ending.



-- Pete

Blast from the Past #416: July 17, 2004 notes on a variety of things (a busy day!)

Subj: note on 86 premise
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:20 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd, 


Here is my note on Ep. 86 premise.


1.) This should be an interesting episode. One possible change -- what if, instead of the perimeter alarms going off and the sewers flooding in through the doors, we do something a little more subtle (at first) and possibly creepier? My suggestion would be that the pond in the center of the lair begins to rise, nearly imperceptibly at first, then noticed by one of the Turtles as he walks across the floor and realizes that he is walking over a wet floor covered by a quarter inch depth of water. Then the pond could erupt into a torrent which flushes the Turtles and Splinter out of the lair (and maybe even lets in lets in Leatherhead, who inexplicably -- or at least until we realize it's all a mystic vision and not "real" -- EATS Klunk the cat... or if not Leatherhead, maybe a shark could come in through that torrent and do the same).
The reason I suggest having the flood coming from WITHIN rather than WITHOUT is that I think it would be scarier for the Turtles (and the viewer) to have something (the pond) that is perceived as docile and safe suddenly and unexpectedly turn into a source of terrible peril.


-- Pete

--------------------


Subj: notes on Ep. 85 outline
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:18:12 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep. 85 outline


1.) Re: the following:

" Against his peoples’ custom, Raptarr left the flying city to go down to surface; his main purpose was to keep an eye on Mephos.  But, Raptarr found that he could not but help the humans; it was in his heart to be of service to those in need. "

I think it might be cool to establish that Raptarr takes on a kind of superhero identity in part as a way to disguise his origin and deflect curious minds from pursuing any connection from him back to his people. With this in mind he could in fact wear a superhero-type costume, perhaps something similar to what he wears in the TMNT comics.


2.) I know it's probably a budgetary/time thing, but I find the idea that Mephos and FIVE guards are enough to lay waste to the flying city in the manner described here. Perhaps it might be better to have them attack in a slightly more circumspect manner, perhaps using some amount of stealth.
Perhaps even more problematic is the reason for Mephos' attack -- what does he gain from destroying the flying city -- and even more to the point, what do those guards (who join him so quickly and conveniently -- perhaps TOO conveniently) stand to gain? Where do THEY go once the flying city is destroyed? It seems to me that perhaps something a bit more logical is in order -- maybe Mephos' plan is not to destroy the city, but to take it over and remake it under his direction.
I am somewhat concerned about how quickly and easily the guards fall in with Mephos and his plan -- are we to believe that for all this time these guards have been so bitter and disaffected while serving the flying city? And all it takes is for Mephos to show up again and they're on his side in an instant? Something doesn't quite parse there. Perhaps we could establish that Mephos has some kind of mind-controlling gizmo or power that helps him to force the guards to fight for him.


3.) The final fight aboard the flying city and its resolution -- Mephos' metal wings being melted by the Turtles somehow "refracting crystal energy" --- is way too cheesy for my tastes. I think either it needs to be reworked, or we need to rework Mephos' plan, or both.


4.) Re: the following:

"The turtles vow to help Raptarr stop Mephos.  Donatello builds turtle wings and rigs a small Y’Lantian crystal (from the lair) to hone in of the flying city."

The way this is written, it seems like Don just -- on the spot -- whips up these "turtle wings". I hope that is just writer's shorthand, and in reality, these "turtle wings" are something he had been working on previously. Also, it seems a bit much that Don can use a crystal from the lair and duplicate the special qualities of Raptarr's "crystal diadem" which was stolen by Mephos -- I think it would be better if whatever he rigs up doesn't work perfectly and they almost crash into the flying city while using it (or something like that).


-- Pete

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Subj: notes on Ep. 87 premise
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:22:25 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my notes on Ep. 87 premise.


1.) I'm unclear about the nature of the "strange organic manipulations that are mostly cosmetic, with no practical “super soldier” applications" that Stockman is working on for Bishop. Are these actual "aliens" he is making, or are they like "alien" prosthetics which will be worn by Bishop's men to SIMULATE aliens? I think the latter is more logical -- the former implies perhaps a bit too much capability for Stockman and/or Bishop.


2.) Re: the following:

"When the President comes to town, the Turtles are out and about, following the motorcade from the rooftops, playing “Avoid the Secret Service,” and hoping to catch a glimpse of the guy."

I think it might be fun for one of the Turtles -- maybe Mikey -- to say something (perhaps a little bit wistfully) about how cool it would be if THEY could be on the Secret Service, protecting the President with their special ninja skills.


3.) Re: the following:

"But as the motorcade reaches the U.N., Bishop’s “Alien Invasion” begins!  A huge alien ship (similar in appearance to the one from the desert, but much bigger and more elaborate) appears over the U.N.


Similar ships appear popping up over the rest of the city.


Alien shock troops disembark.


The Turtles leap in to fight these new invaders, throwing a wrench into Bishop’s well laid plans."

A whole bunch of questions here. Although it is soon revealed that the other ships are holographic fakes and the one over the UN is the only "real" one, where did Bishop get this "real" one?
Do the "alien" shock troops only disembark from this "real" ship, or also from the others -- and if so, how do they do that if those others are just projections?
Do the Turtles reveal themselves to the public when they "leap in" to fight the "aliens"?


4.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles eventually figure out that this entire invasion is a sham, perpetrated by Bishop.


They manage to shut him down, causing Bishop to end his “invasion” in one day. "

I'm still not clear on how the Turtles manage to "shut him down", but I'm getting the idea that everyone BESIDES the Turtles (and Bishop and Stockman) in this story are all idiots. Does no one else see the pretty lame fakery here? Is the President that gullible? What happens to the ship above the UN? Is it destroyed? Does it just fly away?


5.) Re: the following:

"And the Turtles are left to wonder about Bishop .  If he’d destroy NYC just to secure funding for his experiments… just how dangerous is this guy?"

"Destroy NYC"...? Why would they assume THAT? I see nothing in this story to indicate that NYC is in any serious danger of being "destroyed". And didn't the Turtles just figure out that whatever danger Bishop's "aliens" posed (mostly to the President), it was all FAKE anyway? What a ridiculous conclusion for them to make. Anyway, given their past experiences with Bishop, they don't need anything else to demonstrate to them that he is a serious threat.


-- Pete

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Subj: notes on Ep. 88 premise
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:23:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep. 88 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Don’s scanning can only go so far with the equipment he has - - but he’s recently had April order him some new, more advanced equipment.  It’s been on back order for a while, but they’ve assured Don it should be arriving any day now, and once it does - - "

I think we should lose this whole bit, as it only seems to be in here to help get the Turtles and Casey involved in the Purple Dragons' heist, and raises some problematic issues. One of these is -- where did Don get the MONEY to "order" through April this "new, more advanced equipment"?


2.) Boy, somebody must REALLY like this "sky heist" idea! (It seems to be virtually identical to the one proposed for another, earlier Hun/Purple Dragons episode.) It is now SLIGHTLY more palatable and credible (given that the PD have had some time to train themselves), but it still skirts the edges of credulity. And things like Casey stuffing a parachute in his golf bag and then deploying it to save not only himself but Leo AND Raph (!!!) are just silly -- why isn't the chute just torn from the golf bag (did Casey have time to solidly attach it?) or for that matter, the golf bag from Casey's shoulder (remember, we're talking about the full weight of one big guy and two mutant turtles all dangling from ONE little strap)? And I don't think your average single parachute is rated to safely land THREE people.


2.) Re: the following:

"After the ceremony, Karai walks through the crowd to the dapperly dressed Hun.  They leave the party to a private room and have a little chat.  Karai is happy and surprised that Hun made it to the dedication.  She’s seen the news lately and realizes he’s been busy.


Hun tells her that the city is big enough for the both of them.  He’ll stay out of her way as long as she grants him the same courtesy.  The conversation quickly turns to Oroku Saki.  Hun cannot believe that Karai still reveres the Shredder.  He was an alien slug.  He can’t understand how she could have known that all this time and still served him.  Even now she still serves him!


Karai silences Hun; yes, she served the Shredder.  The Shredder gave her a life… he was her father!  And Karai vows in his name that she will hunt down those who were responsible for destroying him and she will make them pay with their lives."

I'm sure Karai would be "surprised" that Hun made it to the dedication, but I'm not so sure about "happy". As far as I am aware, there is no love lost between the two of them. Rather than "surprised and happy", I would say "surprised and wary".
I also think this might be a good opportunity to have Karai get a little more specific about the fact that her love/loyalty to the Shredder/Oroku Saki transcends whatever physical form he had, and is more directly tied to whatever SOUL he possessed... to Karai, what he looked like was irrelevant. It might even be good to have her say something vague about hoping to someday rescue him from his imprisonment (IF that doesn't contradict anything).


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Rat King
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:25:39 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 7/16/04 10:13:43 AM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:


Hey Pete –
  
 I was thinking about the Rat King, and about how you used him in both City at War and the new TMNT book, and how your interpretation differs from his original appearance by Jim.  I really like the Rat King as a “death’s head” kind of figure (even a delusional one), and I’ve been trying to see if there’s a way to weave him into another episode. 
  
 If have a moment, could you try and articulate your take on the guy.  He’s so vaguely defined (which makes him both intriguing and problematic).  How do you think he functions as a character?  Why Does Splinter, who never really encountered him before in the comics, see him when near death in City of War? 
  
 If you get this early today and can respond, that would be extra helpful (but not mandatory).
  
 Hope all is well in Northampton… have a great weekend.
  
 Lloyd



Lloyd,


I think the "vaguely defined" nature of the Rat King is one of the main reasons why I was so resistant to giving him a clear origin (i.e. as one of Bishop's experiments) -- I think it's cool to have a really mysterious character.


At the end of his first appearance in the comics (Tales # 4), it is unclear whether or not he will survive. He's been hit with shuriken and fallen from a great height into to a pit in the old factory, where he is surrounded by rats. It's ambiguous. Later , in the City at War issues, Splinter's encounter with the Rat King (a character he would surely have HEARD about from his sons after their encounter with him) was ALSO left, very deliberately, ambiguous... you were never sure -- except perhaps when you saw the leather-wrapped skeleton near the end -- whether the Rat King was really there or was just a figment of Splinter's fevered mind in his injured body.


And when I had the Rat King appear in that one panel in Splinter's death scene in Vol. 4, I was being even MORE ambiguous (if that's even possible) -- was Rat King really there? Was it his spirit? Did Splinter even see anything, or was it just his imagination? I either don't know or can't/won't tell (you pick).


My gut feeling is that he DID die in the comics, and it was either his spirit or Splinter's fevered brain (or perhaps a combination of those two things) that "brought him back" in the City at War issues. However, I prefer to leave it a mystery.


The Rat King as we are establishing him in the show, however, is a different can of worms. We know where he came from. Where he GOES is another question... one I think is wide open. And I'm open to any number of possibilities.


-- Pete