Blast from the Past #641: January 9, 2004: Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft, January 10, 2004: Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft, and Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft: Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft

Subj: Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft
Date: Friday, January 9, 2004 11:45:58 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Just two days ago I got the FIRST draft, and I was just about to comment on that one tonight. Is this "final" draft the rewrite you were talking about when you called me on my cell phone tonight, or something different? I'll hold off on reading this one until I hear from you. (Sorry about getting cut off, by the way... I was driving into the hills outside of Northampton, and cell reception is spotty out there. The last couple of things you said were garbled.)

Oh, before I forget -- about Mr. Touch and Mr. Go... after talking about them with you tonight, I went back and looked at the faxes again. It occurred to me that it might be cool to go against physical type for a change and make the big guy Mr. Go, and the small guy Mr. Touch. 

Anyway, here are my comments on the first draft of 60:

1.) I still think it's silly for Leo and Raph to be "mapping" the roads, but I will let it slide if we can throw in a line or two from Raph in his scene on the rooftop with Leo, lines in which he grouses about how pointless this "mapping" bit is. 

2.) Re: the following:

"Donatello pats LeatherHead on the humongous shoulder.
33. DONATELLO
Come on, LeatherHead.  Let’s get working on a new communications array.
LeatherHead looks down at the crushed antenna in his hands.
34. LEATHERHEAD
Yes, it does appear … [small self-deprecating chuckle] … quite necessary."

What, in this context, is a "communications array"? And what does the TV antenna have to do with it? I'm not trying to be picky and technical, but our tech guys should know what they are talking about, I think. My idea of a communications array MIGHT include TV (via cable and/or antenna reception) but most importantly have to do with two-way radio, internet connection, shellcels, videophone, etc.. Leatherhead looking at the crushed TV antenna and connecting it to a new communications array being now "necessary" (because he's crushed the TV antenna, apparently) is a bit off.

3.) Re: the following:

"53. SPLINTER (CONT’D)
We will have surface for a short space."

I would change that to read:

"53. SPLINTER (CONT’D)
We will have to surface for a short distance."

I would also replace the word "space" with the word "distance" in line 55.

4.) Re: the following:

"SIDE VIEW – Splinter raises his stick and <BLOCKS> Mr. Go’s fist attack.  In almost fast motion, Mr. Go attacks with a flurry of Tiger Claw hands as Splinter continues to block them."

Should that be "Mr. Go's first attack" instead of "fist attack"? And what is "almost fast motion"? Slow motion?

5.) Re: the following:

"82. SHREDDER (V.O.)
Just remember, we are legitimate now, Hun.  I don’t want anything to spoil my image.  Understand?"

I still don't get this. "Legitimate"? Who? What? When? How? Why? And... his IMAGE? Huh?

6.) Re: the following:

"EXT. LEDGES/SIDE OF AN OLD BUILDING – CONT’D
Raphael is moving at top speed along the side of a building … along its ornate ledges …
93. RAPHAEL
There’s no way he’s going to beat me now.
CLOSER ON - A crumbling ledge of the damaged building gives way underneath him …
WIDER - Raphael goes tumbling down …
94. RAPHAEL (CONT’D)
Aw … sheeellllll!
DOWN ANGLE ON – Raphael is falling and falling towards the street far below as we …
FADE OUT:
END ACT TWO
 ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. LEDGES/SIDE OF AN OLD BUILDING – NIGHT - CONT’D
DOWN ANGLE - Raphael is falling to the street very, very far below …
SIDE VIEW – The building is just zipping by in the BACKGROUND as Raphael falls.  Raphael rotates around in midair (looking almost like a skydiver) … he focuses and …
CLOSER – Much like a skydiver, Raphael angles himself down slightly … aiming himself back towards the building slightly … and then …
FOLLOW RAPHAEL DOWN as he tucks and then comes out of it to grab the edge of a fire escape …
… he twists, leaps, comes around, slows his descent until finally …"

How freakin' high is this "old building"? Apparently falling off the top of it is like diving out of an airplane, as it gives you that much time to use skydiver tricks and techniques to reorient your body position.
Let's ditch this stupid stuff and have Raph do something a little more in line with common sense, a reasonably tall "old building" -- and the laws of physics -- to save himself.

7.) Re: the following:

"Mrs. Morrison gropes reaching blindly for Raphael’s hand.
105. MRS. MORRISON
Oh, you must be one of Mr. Rossetti’s boys.  I’m Mrs. Morrison.  Help me, dear.  Take my hand.  I can’t see you.  [slight laugh]  I can’t see anything.  I’ve been blind for almost a year now."

Gary pointed out, quite correctly in my opinion, that if Mrs. Morrison is blind she would have great difficulty identifying the money that Raph gives her in the end of the story AS money. Why not make her REALLY nearsighted, like Mr. Magoo-type nearsighted? And instead of her saying "I can’t see you.  [slight laugh]  I can’t see anything.  I’ve been blind for almost a year now." she could say "I can’t see you very well.  [slight laugh]  I can’t see anything very well.  I’ve been legally blind for almost a year now."

8.) Re: the following:

"FRONT ON – THE TRAIN is coming on fast.  And, it’s not stopping (this station is closed, remember?).
ON - Touch and Go smile wickedly.
145. MR. TOUCH
I think it’s time for the turtle to catch a train, Mr. Go.
146. MR. GO
Or, for the train to catch the turtle, Mr. Touch.
Touch and Go take a step closer to Mikey.
MICHELANGELO’s sweating it.
THE TRAIN’S getting closer and closer coming into the station."

It seems kind of odd for Touch and Go to want to wipe out Mikey in this fashion -- I thought they were supposed to bring "trophies" to Hun as proof of the Turtles' demise(s). What if the train hits Mike and carries his body many miles away? Or are they thinking that the impact will dismember him, and all they'll have to do is look down the tracks a little way to find an arm or a leg? If so, it might be creepy/cool/fun to have one of them actually SAY something like that.

9.) I am still REALLY unclear as to exactly WHAT Touch and Go are. Do we know now, or is this something we are going to figure out as we go along? They've got to be something pretty special, not the least because of the way that they survive their encounter with the train. Speaking of which, I think that when they rendezvous with Bishop, they should look pretty messed up -- limping, dirty, cut, torn, etc..

(This may be really goofy and not fit in anywhere, but for some reason while thinking of these characters, I imagined Mikey calling Mr. Touch "Mr. T"... and then in response to something Mr. Touch says, Mikey says "I pity the fool!")

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft
Date: Saturday, January 10, 2004 7:50:10 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Thanks for clearing up most of those points. I look forward to seeing your rewrite.

One thing:

<< **In the rewrite I'm having Touch and Go throw Mike and Splinter in
front of the train and we end the act with them believing our heroes
killed.>>

But we have a clever way for them to have survived... right? 

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft
Date: Sunday, Re: TMNT - 60 Final draft 8:59:32 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 1/11/04 3:26:57 AM, Lloyd writes:

<< Hey Pete -

Re: your query about Mike and Splinter surviving the train, the truth is

we don't go into too much of an explanation.  As written now, Mikey

seems to let Touch and Go deliberately toss them onto the train tracks,

the train zooms through the station, and after it passes we see

Splinter's tattered robe and Mikey's 'chucks on the track.  Touch and go

declare their mission a success and go to see Hun at the hotel to

collect their money.  While having their meeting, there is a knock on

the door and Mikey shows up pretending to be room service.  After Mikey

and Splinter defeat Hun, Touch and Go, Mikey says:

**MICHELANGELO (CONT'D)

Y'know sensei, this whole "using your mind" thing is wild!! 

(earlier, Splinter urges Mike to think before he acts, use his mind more

and his mouth less!) 

**ON SPLINTER and MICHELANGELO as they walk from (Mikey assisting

Splinter) the window and head for the door.  Mikey gesticulates wildly

as he recounts his mental prowess.  Splinter humors him as they cross

the room and exit through the door.

**MICHELANGELO

First I thought, "Throw them in front of the train" . but then I

thought, "No, let them think they're throwing us in front of the train."

and then. 

**SPLINTER

Yes, yes, my son. It is a brave new world for you.  I am very proud.

**MICHELANGELO

. and how about that brainstorm "Keep the bad guys separated?" Whoa,

that was a good one, huh?  <CHUCKLE>

That's about all the explanation I plan to give about the train.  I had

written a version where we see them hiding in the well under the train

platform as the train passes, but that just gives the whole thing away.

I feel it's more fun if left as a mystery that's not completely

explained, and it works to make their appearance at Hun's hotel more of

a surprise.  I don't think anyone would have a hard time believing that

Splinter and Mikey could get out of that kind of predicament; it's

pretty much an action movie standard!

I'm still finessing the script tonight.  Lemme know if you don't agree

with the way I'm handling this!

Have a great weekend!

Lloyd >>

Lloyd,

I see where you are going, but I think that this scenario -- without at least SOME tweak (I will shortly suggest at least one) -- is bringing us dangerously close to a place that I at least don't want to go. That is, let's set up our heroes in a situation from which -- given their abilities - - there is seemingly NO possible escape... and then have them show up later, unharmed, having escaped SOMEHOW (and we don't say how). To me, this opens up a HUGE can of worms and opens the door for really poor writing (or at least plotting), leading to situations of ludicrous peril easily escaped -- and thus making ANY peril meaningless.

Consider: Touch and Go throw Mikey and Splinter onto the train tracks just before the train "zooms through the station". One would reasonably assume that after Touch and Go throw our heroes onto the tracks -- but BEFORE the train zooms through -- they STAND there and WATCH the train run into/over our heroes, to make sure that they did in fact do their jobs and Mikey and Splinter didn't just jump out of the way and scurry off into a drain pipe or something. It would make NO sense for them to just turn away and ASSUME that the train crushed them.

Part of this problem is timing. How long are Mike and Splinter on the tracks before the train zooms by? One second? Three? Five? If the interval is too short, then there really IS no escape -- the train would just flatten them before they have a chance to do anything. And if it's too long, the audience will think "Well, of COURSE they can escape!" 

And think about this -- just being pushed off the platform and onto the tracks (a drop of what, maybe ten feet at most?) would not likely faze ninja fighters like Mike and Splinter, and Touch and Go would KNOW this, having already seen them in action. So they would DOUBLY want some assurance that the train did them in, and thus would, as I said earlier, likely watch as the train ran them over.

So... something needs to be added that will make this scenario play a bit more realistically, or at least somewhat more believably. 

Suggestion 1: When Splinter and Mikey are pushed off the platform, this should be done NOT when they are right at the edge, but they should be WHOMPED hard by Touch and Go from about seven or eight feet away from the edge, and they actually go flying through the air and off the edge -- momentarily OUT OF SIGHT of Touch and Go. (We can, however, SHOW them landing on the tracks, even if it's something Touch and Go DON'T see.) In another second or two -- BEFORE Touch and Go have time to reach the edge of the platform and look down to see Mike and Splinter on the tracks, the train blasts by. Several seconds later, when it has passed, Touch and Go leap down onto the tracks and find the evidence as you suggested.

Suggestion 2: Mike and Splinter get kicked off the edge of the platform by Touch and Go, landing HARD on the tracks. Touch and Go look over the edge, seeing Mike and Splinter lying dazed on the tracks. The train approaches at high speed, and as it gets closer, its BRIGHT headlight glares in the eyes of Touch and Go, causing them to briefly cover their eyes (this brief moment is all it takes for Mike and Splinter to get away, out of the path of the train). Additionally (or alternatively), the train's approach and passage could push a huge air wave ahead of it which kicks up lots of dust, debris, and trash which obscures Touch's and Go's vision. Several seconds later, when it has passed, Touch and Go leap down onto the tracks and find the evidence as you suggested.

Either of these tweaks would work for me, and neither requires a real explanation for our heroes' escape.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #640: January 1, 2004: Re: Turtles and Usagi, January 5, 2004: Re: TMNT - Outline eps 60, and January 7, 2004: Re: Notes on premises 61 and 62

Subj: Re: Turtles and Usagi
Date: Thursday, January 1, 2004 12:22:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 12/30/03 10:53:29 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Hey Pete -

Yeah, I spoke to Stan who had this to say:

The way we've drawn him in the past is that Usagi's head is below that
of the turtles. However, Usagi's ears rise above the Turtles.  So, if
you count the ears, Usagi is taller.  If you don't count the ears, he's
shorter.

So according to Stan, Usagi is a bit shorter than the Turtles.  We sent
him a size comp and color models of Usagi & friends, all of which he was
very pleased with (I've attached the rough size comp here for you to
see).

Lloyd >>

Lloyd,

If Stan is happy, then I'm happy!

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT - Outline eps 60
Date: Monday, January 5, 2004 11:18:24 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I only have a few comments.

1.) It's still not clear to me WHY Don and Leatherhead are trying to hook up an antenna. As I asked before -- is the cable (which they surely have ordinarily) out because of the devastation? If so,  a brief mention of it would be appropriate, I think.
Also, curiously, a bit down that page there is something described as "the communications array" which Don and Leatherhead are said to be getting to work on. Is this the same thing as the aforementioned antenna? If so, that's weird... why would the TV antenna be the same thing as the "communications array"?

2.) The idea that Leo and Raph would be out mapping the impaired roads seems a bit silly to me, as by the time they are likely to need to use those roads they will have been cleared. After all, they don't drive around that much anyway. (And why does Leo need to use "Shell Binoculars" to see rubble in the streets?)
I would suggest that it would make more sense if they are either (a) checking SPECIFIC streets (i.e. those near April's place, the warehouse where they store the BattleShell, Casey's place, etc.) or (b) they are out looking around just to get a general idea of the state of the streets/neighborhood.

3.) There is a line which suggest that Mr. Go has "reflective 'cat' eyes". What does this mean, exactly? That his eyes reflect light like a cats, or his pupils are shaped and colored like a cat's, or both? Or something else entirely?

4.) Re: the following:

EXT. SHREDDER’S CASTLE – JAPAN – CONT’D
Establishing shot …
Shredder (v.o.):  "Good.  But, remember, we are legitimate now, Hun.  I don’t want anything to spoil my image.  Understand?"

I don't quite get this. Legitimate? How? Why? Since when? And... his "image"? What image is that? Of the armored Shredder? Oroku Saki? The Foot?

5.) Re: the following:

INT. MRS. MORRISON’S APARTMENT – SAME TIME
<Sip> Raphael is having tea with Mrs. Morrison (much like the comics) as Mrs. Morrison’s cat makes "biscuits" on Raphael’s chest/lap.

What is this "making biscuits"? Never heard of it.

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Notes on premises 61 and 62
Date: Wednesday, January 7, 2004 10:39:36 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the premise for 61, "Hunted":

1.) Mr. Literal says: I suspect it's a phrase thrown in just to show what a nice guest Leatherhead is, but does he really "pay his rent on time"? I doubt he's actually being charged rent by the Turtles.

2.) I think Leatherhead's hair-trigger temper/psychotic behavior needs to be "fixed" at some time in the near future... otherwise he's going to become a character that the Turtles will NOT want to be around at all -- WAY too dangerous! Especially if he goes off at slight things like Raph's "bull in a china shop" comment. Maybe Splinter can teach him some meditation techniques, or we can discover that Leatherhead has some kind of mysterious device surgically implanted in him that is causing his rages, and that is removed somehow (with Utroms' help?). Or maybe a brain tumor...

3.) Leatherhead beats Mike to a pulp and leaves him unconscious at the end of act one... but are any of the Turtles pissed off/appalled at this? Apparently not -- they're just "worried" about Leatherhead. This seems really out of character. There should at LEAST be some debate here among them as to the wisdom of having Leatherhead live with them. I suspect Raph would be ripshit, and have to be calmed down by the others before he goes out to kick Leatherhead's ass.

4.) It's very confusing to me who is ahead of/behind who in the tunnels, who's following whose tracks. It needs to be made much more clear exactly where the players are in relation to each other. 

5.) It seems really weird that Marlin would leave such destructive mines -- wouldn't he want something that would immobilize or incapacitate his prey? He is, after all, a hunter who wants trophies. Maybe the mines should throw out sticky goo/foam (like the stuff they used in the HULK movie), or nets, etc. OR... if we REALLY want some bangboom, they could be "shock mines" which shoot out in all directions like a dozen "mini shock grenades" that "explode" with stunning electrical charge when they hit something. This could give us the pyrotechnics if desired and also maybe be cool to show the Turtles dodging and bobbing and weaving to evade them (maybe one of more of the boys get grazed by the mini mines and get an idea of the kind of pain they'd feel if they were hit head on).

6.) Instead of Marlin whipping out a taser when Leatherhead bites his "Betsy" (his gun), why not have the gun itself have defensive devices, and when Leatherhead bites it, the gun shocks him (like a taser would)?

7.) Marlin fires Betsy at the Turtles and "burns a large deadly hole in the wall". I'm not really sure what a "deadly hole" is, but why is Marlin shooting at the Turtles with a weapon that is so destructive? I thought he wanted to "bag" them as trophies?
Also, in this scene Leatherhead apparently -- somehow -- is suspended from a cable. How/when did that happen? How does Marlin lift the gigantic Leatherhead, and why? Seems unnecessary to hang him over the pool... Marlin could PUSH him into it if need be... although that really doesn't make any sense either -- again, Marlin wants TROPHIES!!! Didn't he just hunt this alligator through the sewers? Why destroy him now? I think Leatherhead could inadvertently fall into the pool on his own, perhaps from wiggling and writhing around trying to free himself. It could even be a cool scene where one of the Turtles is trying to help him get free, but it's just making Leatherhead more aggravated, and the TWO of them accidentally go over the edge into the pool. It would ramp up the angst for the Turtles in this scene if both Leatherhead AND one of their own were in peril.

8.) I find it very unlikely that Raph's slender sai blades could stop the blades of the "sewage processor". Maybe he should use something else like a length of pipe or some found object.

9.) Marlin's suicide move -- putting "Betsy on overload cranking the energy canisters" -- to take out not only himself but the Turtles and Leatherhead seems silly and unnecessary. I would go with something a little different, like having some of his energy canisters accidentally get activated during (and because of) Leatherhead's smash and bash attack on him.

10.) Re: the following:

"Mikey leads the turtles and Leatherhead through unfamiliar sewer tunnels until he comes to a wall.  Leatherhead antics back and smashes through the wall, only to find himself in an abandoned subway station decorated in grand Victorian style."

What's this all about? Why does Leatherhead have to smash through the wall? Is this an accidental discovery, or does Mikey know where he is taking Leatherhead? Are we saying here that the Turtles know about this "abandoned subway station decorated in grand Victorian style"... if so, they must have previously found a way inside. Why doesn't Leatherhead enter that way instead of smashing the wall down?

---------------------------------

Comments on Premise 62, "Survivalist Skills":

1.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, back at the farmhouse, we could run a sort of lighthearted B-story in-between all the hearty A-story action.  Casey and April are figuring out that their relationship is not a relationship … and through Casey’s carelessness verbally … they get to the point where it’s not even a friendship and they’re not even talking to each other."

Snore... I'm bored already. I thought we had gotten beyond this stuff with Casey and April. I think we can do all the schtick with Casey's Mom and have THAT provide the conflict instead of this tired stuff.

2.) There are a lot of "real" weapons -- guns, bombs -- in this story. Can we do this? I hope so, but what about BS&P?

3.) Although I'm not wedded to it, I kind of miss the picnic opening as in the comic. Would it work better if Don, Raph, Casey and April were having the picnic... and that way, Casey and April would be aware of the threat of the survivalists, making the stuff with Casey's mom that much more tense?
Also, I don't like the bit with Raph throwing his sais at the apple on Don's head. One of the reasons I did the bow and arrow thing in the comic was as a way of demonstrating (without dwelling on it) the Turtles' facility with other weapons.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #639: December 17, 2003: Re: Script 58, December 28, 2003: Re: FW: Premise 60, and December 30, 2003: Re: Turtles and Usagi

Subj: Re: Script 58
Date: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 12:34:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 12/17/03 10:36:51 AM, Lloyd writes:

<<Hey Pete -

We actually didn't say "NO SUPERBISHOP."  My understanding was: we talked
about the degree to which Bishop could have enhanced himself.  We said no
lizard eyelids and not to go too overboard, but that he could have some
increased speed and strength, but not unlimited crazy bio-engineered powers.
I would like Bishop to be able to hold his own in a fight against the
beaten, captured Turtles, at least for a little while.  The hope is to make
Bishop a formidable foe for the Turtles in and of himself.

If this isn't acceptable, please let me know asap.

Thanks,

Lloyd>>

Lloyd,

The problem with any kind of "enhanced" Bishop is that it raises the question that if he has been enhanced enough to fight off the Turtles (and are they really "beaten"? I thought they had just been strapped to tables -- resting up, if you will -- for the last hour or two), why does he need their DNA to create his super-soldiers or whatever it is he wants to do? 

The "enhanced Bishop" thing has always struck me as something that a writer threw in because he thought it would look cool, without giving it a whole lot of thought. It just doesn't work for me... at least as it sits right now. Maybe it's partly because it's the way that, out of the blue, with zero foreshadowing of ANYTHING remotely like what happens, Bishop is suddenly this whole other thing, and not only can he fight better and move faster than one Turtle, he's superior to all four Turtles.

I would prefer to see a scene with Bishop surprising one of the Turtles with a clever fighting move -- not a superspeed maneuver, but something quick and effective, and all the more effective because the Turtle is surprised that this move is coming from Bishop, who up to this point has only seemed to be an evil "spook" type guy, and not intimidating physically. And Bishop could use this moment to escape with the samples of the Turtles' DNA (assuming we're still going to have him take those samples) and THEN later on, in another episode, we could bring him back as a truly cool and creepy guy who's been enhanced with TMNT DNA (maybe there's even more than just him -- maybe there is a squad of these enhanced warriors... they could have some weird physical characteristics like green eyes, shell-like/horny growths on their arms, hands, and legs, etc. -- NOT looking like "TurtleMen", but something with HINTS of mutant turtle).

-- Pete

--------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: FW: Premise 60
Date: Sunday, December 28, 2003 11:11:25 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I read the premise for episode 60 and have a few comments:

1.) I wonder whether the $14 million for the Turtles and Splinter is a bit much. Where is Hun supposed to get this kind of money? And why TEN times as much for Splinter as for one Turtle?

2.) I'm not sure why Don, Leo and Leatherhead are working on an "antenna hookup to improve their limited broadcast reception". Don't they have cable TV in the lair? Or is the point that there IS no cable TV at the moment (due to invasion damage) and broadcast TV is all that's available? If so, that's not clear. In any point, why is Leo helping Don and Leatherhead? He's no techy. The only reason I can think of is that Don and Leatherhead need a third set of hands for grunt work... and I can't imagine why, exactly.

3.) Re: the following:

"The fight does not go well for our heroes.  Mr. Touch and Mr. Go overpower them and secure them in high-tech restraints.   Hun drops down from a helicopter to exchange cash for his enemies.  Just as Hun's about to take them out with his bare hands, Splinter senses something -- and knocks Mikey, Raph and Casey over the side of the roof, leaping out of sight after them!  A beat later they rise back up, having landed on top of a Fed Fighter that slowly rises up into sight -- April piloting the ship!  April blasts the Foot copter, which crashes through the roof, bringing Mr. Touch Mr. Go and Hun with them, and the entire building crashing down on top of them. "

I thought Splinter was, like the Turtles, "secured in high-tech restraints"? If so, how does he do all that he does in this scene? And if he somehow IS able to do it, how do he and the Turtles hang on to the ship that's coming up underneath them so they don't roll/slide off and plummet to the groound? There really seems to be little logical point in having them "secured in high-tech restraints" anyway -- why not just have them follow Splinter's command to leap over the edge of the building?

And how exactly is April piloting this Federation ship, anyway? When did she learn how to do that? And where did she GET the ship to begin with?

-- Pete

-----------------------------------

Subj: Re: Turtles and Usagi
Date: Tuesday, December 30, 2003 10:00:34 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 12/29/03 1:23:08 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Howdy fellas!

A quick question re: scale of Usagi to Turtles:  is Usagi, tip of ears
to toes, the same height as a turtle, or does that make him too small?

Playmates is asking for clarification.

I wanna make sure we get this right!

You're feedback is greatly appreciated!

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

Lloyd>>

Lloyd,

I've always considered Usagi to be about the same height as a Turtle -- but NOT from toes to ear tips, but from toes to TOP OF HEAD (i.e. base of ears). That way, neither one has to look up or down to look the other in the eyes. Maybe you should ask Stan what he thinks...?

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #638: December 8, 2003: Re: Scripts 58, 59, December 10, 2003: Re: TMNT - 2nd draft eps 57, and December 16, 200: Re: Script 58

Subj: Re: Scripts 58, 59
Date: Monday, December 8, 2003 10:54:12 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Episode 59, first draft script.

1.) Re: the following:

"1. BISHOP (VO)
Voice identification … Bishop … Log 493 Zeta.  The massive force of the Triceraton Republic has successfully invaded and occupied Earth."

Have the Triceratons actually occupied all of Earth? Or have they just occupied NYC?

2.) Re: the following:

"12. BISHOP
I’d administer a sedative… but why spoil the fun?"

This is one of several lines in this script which make Bishop look like a cackling psycho -- which was NOT the impression I got about his character from earlier scripts. Maybe something along the lines of "I’d administer a sedative… but that might contaminate the results of my examination." would be better.

Or... it might be funny if he actually DOES give Mike a local anesthetic in one of his arms (where Bishop intends to begin his cutting), and for the rest of the episode Mike has to deal (humorously) with an arm which is "asleep".

3.) Re: the following:

"15. SOLDIER
A break-in, sir.  We’re advised to step up security measures.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP - on Bishop as he sneers in disgust.
16. BISHOP
Who would be stupid enough to try to break in here?"

Bishop's line and his sneer seem out of character. I would think that he would just tell the Soldier to "deal with it!"

4.) Here are some other "psycho Bishop" lines:

"21. BISHOP
And so back to work, or should I say… "play.""

"25. BISHOP
(savoring)
There’s just something about the first incision…"

5.) In this line of Raph's:

"22. RAPHAEL
(losing it)
I had enough of this!"

... I think it should be "I've had".

6.) Re: the following:

"32. LEONARDO
General Blanque took him.  They’re going to try and force him to download the Teleportal plans!"

I suggest these changes:

"32. LEONARDO
General Blanque took him.  They’re going to try to force him to download his Teleportal plans!"

7.) The scene which runs from line 40 to line 53 is weird -- I thought we had gotten rid of the "super Mutant Bishop" concept.

8.) I'm not sure why Mozar has to kneel before Zanramon in the scene beginning with line 54 -- has he done this before when he meets Zanramon? It seems like it's just there to set up the silly bit where Zanramon keeps leaning in on Mozar until Mozar is "prostrate on the floor before him."
And Zanramon's line 60 -- "Don't you dare!" -- sounds REALLY silly.

9.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE – LOW ANGLE - on General Blanque as he steps back, a crazed gleam of triumph in his eyes.
82. GENERAL BLANQUE
After all this time!  The Teleportal plans are mine!  The Triceratons are doomed!  The Federation has finally and forever triumphed over all!
EXTREME CLOSE-UP - on General Blanque as his eyes widen even further.
83. GENERAL BLANQUE
Let the annihilation begin!"

Isn't Blanque really jumping the gun here? Don't they have to BUILD the teleportal first?

10.) Re: the following:

"93. FUGITOID (CONT.)
As you should have remembered, General, I designed almost the entire the Federation system for you."

There is an extra "the" in that line. In addition, I would add the word "computer" between "Federation" and "system".

11.) Re: the following:

"116. BISHOP
It’s that tin toy the Federation was after.  [dismisses it]  Reboot the system and clear it.  We can to proceed at once with the genetic mutation … now that I have this:"

A minor point, but Bishop's dismissive "tin toy" reference to the Fugitoid seems off -- surely Bishop, being as smart as he is, would know the great value of the 'Toid and his teleportal.

12.) Re: the following:

"EXTREME CLOSE-UP - on Bishop as he holds up the carrying case and opens it, revealing four vials of green fluid.
117. BISHOP (CONT.)
Samples of the Terrapins DNA!"

When did Bishop get these samples (I don't remember him doing anything of this nature while he had the Turtles strapped to tables) and why are they GREEN FLUID?

13.) I really like the way the Fugitoid's intelligence reverts to that of a worker robot as his mind drains away. Very HAL!

14.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE - Donatello looks as the green pattern spreads.
146. DONATELLO
(realizing)
It’s… the professor … his virus!  It’s destroying all the equipment!  The Professor’s parting shot"

I don't think what the 'Toid was doing had been referred to as a "virus" up to this point -- should it be?

-- Pete

-------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT - 2nd draft eps 57
Date: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 1:12:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

This draft is significantly better but still has a few problems.

Number one is the Fugitoid's reason for returning to Earth. It is SLIGHTLY more believable the way it has been rewritten, but I'm still not totally happy with it. I still like the idea that he has come back just to see the Turtles, doesn't know the Triceratons are there, and just steps in the shit.

However, I'm not going to push that idea anymore. I do have a new idea which might add some interesting twists to the existing story: What if the Fugitoid that beams back to Earth is NOT the real Fugitoid, but a DUPLICATE  -- created by the Utroms and Professor Honeycutt. It has been programmed to simulate Professor Honeycutt's personality, but we could drop a few hints that MAYBE this 'Toid isn't all it should be -- nothing to raise too many suspicions, but just stuff like he calls the Turtles by the wrong names, doesn't remember certain things about his adventures with them, etc.

The point is that this way, this false 'Toid can go through the motions of sacrificing himself (wiping his brain) without there ever REALLY being any danger that the Triceratons could get his teleportal secrets (the duplicate 'Toid is not programmed with the real teleportal info) -- even though to the audience and every other character in the show, the threat is real. Not only that, but we could have a much more visually dramatic and seemingly permanent denouement for the 'Toid where he is melted down/blasted to bits/disintegrated in front of the horrified Turtles' eyes. Then, later, the REAL 'Toid reveals himself... perhaps when the Turtles go back to the lair, to their astonishment they find him making tea for Master Splinter.

Now to my comments:

1.) I'm not crazy about calling the Utroms' homeworld "Utromia" (line 52). Let's just call it "the Utroms' homeworld" or "the Utroms' planet".

2.) Re: the following:

"52. *LEONDARDO
No go, Prof, you used the Transmat.  If your memory’s gone, the Triceratons will just track the transionic particle trail back to Utromia!
53. *FUGITOID
Oh, I have been careful to cover my tracks.  The particle trail will lead the Triceratons on a wild goose chase, which will take millennia to follow."

I think it's a good idea to tie up this loose end, but perhaps some extra pseudoscientific verbiage would be in order. Maybe the 'Toid can even say that the transmat on the Utrom's homeworld is not as crude as the one they built on Earth, and doesn't leave a residue of transionic particles, or that he made sure to tune the transmat so it didn't leave a trail, or something. 

3.) The scene which begins with line 94 and has Don grabbing the Fugitoid's head and unlocking it from his body bothers me, for a number of reasons -- mainly that it telegraphs a gag which renders all of those scenes with the individual Turtles' carrying parts of the Fugitoid around (but shown in a way which makes you think -- though I'm not sure WHY exactly you would think it) that each Turtle is with the whole 'Toid.

Also, shouldn't Don get this idea instead of Mike? Seems more likely.

I suggest eliminating Mike's line 94, and the bit which follows it with Don taking the 'Toid's head off. Keep lines 98, 99 and 100. Change Mike's line 101 to a Don line. Then, probably around lines 120 -121, in the junkyard, do some new lines where Don and the 'Toid are talking -- the 'Toid is complaining in his fussy way about the indignity of being pulled apart, and Don is explaining that it was something the 'Toid mentioned to him back on D'Hoonib, in conversation (one we never heard, of course), about how the SAL robot worker bodies were modular in nature, allowing for homeowner customization... and THAT is how he got the inspiration to dismember the 'Toid.

4.) In line 105, I think "hooves" is better usage than "hoofs".

5.) When Don and the 'Toid's head are in the helicopter, it might be fun to have the 'Toid's head rolling around when Don is doing evasive maneuvers.

6.) I still don't like Leo flying the Triceraton flying harness -- it really strains credulity and turns out to be unnecessary, anyway.

7.) Because they are not very funny, I would eliminate lines 158 and 159.

That's it!

-- Pete

-------------------------

Subj: Re: Script 58
Date: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 10:24:29 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are some comments on Episode 58 second draft script.

1.) Do you think it's time for Splinter to stop saying "Miss O'Neil" and "Mister Jones" when talking to April and Casey? It was appropriate at first, but I think he knows them well enough now.

2.) I think Gary also pointed out the "We're"  for "Where" typo in line 21.

3.) I don't think either Casey or April should refer to Splinter as "Master Splinter", as Casey does in line 23.

4.) I'm not sure if "black robe/black headband" Splinter will look cool or goofy. Guess we'll have to wait for the design sketch.

5.) Where exactly do Casey and April get their black "commando" gear? Did they bring it with them? Is it stuff the Turtles have in the lair? Might be a good idea to at least mention where they got it.

6.) I'm glad the silly bit with Splinter taking Casey's hockey mask off is gone, and I think it's totally appropriate that Casey should not be wearing it for these scenes. But... it occurred to me that a cute character bit might happen if we have Casey say something about feeling naked without his hockey mask, and April turns to him and says something about how she likes it, being able to see his face... Casey perks up at that -- "Really? No kiddin'...?" Just a little bit to bring along their attraction to each other.

7.) Bishop says in line 66 that he has been spying on the Turtles for "quite some time now". That comment has significant implications -- do we want to deal with them at some point? If not, we should probably not have him say this.

8.) Suggest changing "Operation Galactic Storm" to "Operation Broken Horn" in Blanque's line 69.

9.) I still think it's silly that the Triceratons would have entered our solar system and encircled Earth -- and still not have seen the Federation ships "on the dark side of the moon". I suggest adding some extra line or two to indicate that they weren't just sitting out in the open for anyone to see -- maybe they were hidden in caverns, or in craters covered up with moon dust. Might make for a cooler visual, anyway.

10.) Re: the following:

APRIL - peers down at Don's scanner.
82. *APRIL
The good news is the shellcel signal is less than a mile away.
*REFRAME TO REVEAL - April points across the East River, the destroyed Brooklyn Bridge in the distance.
83. *APRIL (CONT’D)
The bad news is it's coming from that direction.

Shouldn't April's line 83 come BEFORE she points across the East River?

11.) Re: the following:

112. SPLINTER
An underwater entrance?
WIPE TO:
UNDERWATER - MOMENTS LATER
Splinter (holding his walking stick), April and Casey swim toward the underwater light source Casey saw earlier.  As they grow closer, we can see it is, in fact, a subaquatic tunnel entrance.

Why is Splinter holding his stick while swimming? Seems more sensible for him to tuck in in his robe's belt.

12.) Re: the following:

*WIDEN TO REVEAL - Splinter is gone!
114. *CASEY
(sotto)
Man… How does he do that?
*ON THE POOL WATER'S SURFACE - Splinter's walking stick suddenly floats to the surface with a <FWOOSH>.
*THE SOLDIERS - quickly turn the pool, aiming their weapons at the floating walking stick, not noticing the WET, HAIRY, RATTY SHAPE, moving through the shadows behind them…
*SPLINTER - leaps out from the shadows at the Soldiers.

This action doesn't make much sense to me. How is it supposed to work? If I am reading it correctly, Splinter has to be underwater to release his stick so it will "float to the surface". But by the time THAT happens -- a few seconds at most --  how could he be out of the water and waiting in the shadows to attack the distracted guards? Unless he has some kind of special "slow surfacing" wooden stick, I think it would make more sense for his to THROW his stick into the water (from a position of concealment in the shadows) to distract the guards. It would also make more noise than a stick just floating to the surface.

13.) Re: the following:

*INT. BASE CORRIDOR - MOMENTS LATER
WITH A GUARD - following a trail of WET RATTY FOOTPRINTS along the floor.  Suddenly the trail of footprints just stops.
118. GUARD
<huh?>
CLOSE ON GUARD - looking this way and that for the missing source of the footprints.  A drop of water <DRIPS> on top of his head.  He looks up, just as:
APRIL AND CASEY - leap out from the shadows of the doorways on either side of the hall just BEHIND the Guard.  They grab the Guard, April cover his mouth with her hand.
*ANGLE UP - Splinter leaps down out of an open ceiling vent, landing silently in front of the Guard, who can only react wide-eyed to the sight of the giant rat now standing before him (April's hand still cover's the Guard's mouth).
*SPLINTER - smiles at the Guard.  Then raises his walking stick high over his head.
CLOSE ON GUARD - <O.S. IMPACT> April releases her hand from the Guard's mouth.  His eyes roll back and he <CRUMPLES> to the floor out of frame.


This action seems forced and goofy to me. Splinter has just demonstrated his ability to take out -- all by himself -- "several" guards at once. Why does he need April and Casey to hold this one guard while he bashes him over the head with his stick? (And Splinter smiling at the guard before he bashes him on the head -- weird and silly.) If the intent is to get Casey and April more into the action, why not have TWO guards, one for April and one for Casey -- they can take them out when the guards are startled and distracted by the sudden appearance of Splinter. 

14.) In the reconfiguring of this episode, it appears that some undesirable stuff from episode 59 has found its way into the end of 58 -- I'm referring to stuff I've already commented on re: Bishop's suddenly sadistic psycho personality (lines 134, 138,  143, and 147) AND his superpowers. NO SUPERBISHOP!!!

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #637: November 21, 2003: Ep. 59 outline and November 25, 2003: Re: Misc.

Subj: Ep. 59 outline
Date: Friday, November 21, 2003 10:20:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Re: Ep. 59 outline:

I hope/trust this is all going somewhere! There is some stuff in this one that had me scratching my head.

1.) Re: the following:

In a nearly deserted New York, Triceraton troops patrol the streets, chasing down the few remaining humans.

Some of our viewers might say that the city in our show nearly always seems deserted! Be that as it may, why are the Triceraton troops "chasing down the few remaining humans"? I thought they were only after those contaminated or exposed to the transionic particles.

2.) Re: the following:

Bishop (VO): Voice identification … Bishop … Project Uber Rook, Log 493 Zeta.  The Triceraton invasion of planet Earth is ninety three point five percent successful.

The Turtles and the Fugitoid are loaded into a Hummer at gunpoint by Federation troops.

Bishop: Their hunt for the Fugitoid and his plans for the Teleportal device that will win the war with the Federation is 100 percent un-successful. [smug] At approximately 0300 hours this morning I captured the Fugitoid and the Terrapin creatures that seek to protect it.  

The "successful/unsuccessful" gag is weak and really makes no sense. The Triceraton invasion would only be successful if they got the Fugitoid. They don't have the Fugitoid, so they are not only not 93.5 percent successful, they are ZERO percent successful.

And what is "Project Uber Rook"???!!!

3.) There are many mentions in this outlines of Bishop's thinking he can use the Turtles' genetic material to create super-soldiers and "bring me more power than any man on earth!" This is all news to me. How is it that he thinks this?

4.) Re: the following:

The now quite sizable group of heroes makes short work of Bishop’s flunkies and few guards, but Bishop is another story entirely.  He attacks the Turtles with a strange arsenal of inhuman abilities: enhanced reflexes and musculature, the ability to leap and kick far faster than the eye can follow.

The weirdness escalates as his head turns 180 degrees to track them during the fight.  His dark glasses are knocked off, revealing that his eyes blink with reptilian membranes.  Add to this the throwing blades and poison sprays he uses as the weapons of his assassin trade, and he turns out to be an extremely formidable, extremely weird foe.

Much head-scratching at this point. What's going on here? What is Bishop? I thought he was human. Where is this headed? Also, as Gary so aptly pointed out in his notes, we must always be vigilante when introducing new foes who are so powerful from the get-go that they can kick all the Turtles' asses.

Also, IF Bishop has these qualities, why the heck does he need the Turtles' genetic material to make his "Super Soldiers"? He should just use his own!

5.) How does Bishop get all the way from NYC to the deserts of Nevada so quickly?

6.) There is no indication herein that the Fugitoid's demise is not permanent. I'm assuming that we will be bringing him back shortly through some clever means...? If this is not the intent here, we need to change this -- I don't want to destroy the 'Toid.

7.) Re: the following:

At his castle in Japan, the Shredder thinks.  He summons Hun and Karai to his side.  "Gather all our resources and prepare.  Now is the time to strike."

Strike at what? Why now?

-- Pete

------------------------------------

Subj: Re: Misc.
Date: Tuesday, November 25, 2003 9:21:12 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my notes on those premises.

First, a general note -- it would probably be helpful to me to get an idea (if such a thing is available) as to where all of this story arc is headed, as some of this stuff seems a bit flaky.

Premise for Episode 60:

1.) Re: the following: 

"Despondent over everything they’ve sacrificed in quest of the Fugitoid and his Teleportal, both Zanramon of the Triceratons and General Blanque of the Federation have been pushed over the edge.  Separately, they both start countdowns on horrific doomsday devices."

This just seems really silly to me. I just don't buy that because they have lost the Fugitoid, they are suddenly suicidal. I think we need to think up something else.

2.) Re: the following:

"Loaded into the helicopters, our heroes take off fully intending to return home when …

… a large shape looms in above them.  It’s a Triceraton freighter."

I think there's only one helicopter, right? But the main question here is -- where and how did the Shredder get his hands on a Triceraton freighter?

3.) Re: the following:

"But, when a large door opens and Karai and Stockman (in an exo-suit that looks like the original human Stockman) enter, LeatherHead looks up.  He starts to lose it.  Stockman!  LeatherHead’s hatred knows no bounds when it comes to the traitorous Stockman; LeatherHead breaks the tension of the moment by breaking some heads.

And, our heroes join in.  The fight rages as Karai stays noticeably out of the mix.  She’s trying to get them to listen and not fight."

Question: how closely does this "new" Stockman resemble the old one? I looked back at the "What A Croc!" script (episode 38), and Leatherhead knew Stockman as a "head in a jar". How and why then is Leatherhead able to recognize the new Stockman?

Also, what kind of fight are we talking about here -- is it just Stockman vs. Leatherhead? Does Leatherhead attack the other Foot also? Should our heroes get into the fight or just try to stop it? This has the feel of action for the sake of action, especially when it leads to the following silliness described in point 4.

4.) Re: the following:

"When the Shredder enters, he uses his knife arm guard to threaten Splinter.  It looks like Splinter’s time on earth is up …
The Shredder holds Splinter and shouts for the others to stop fighting.  Everyone stops and stares at the Shredder."

This IS the same Splinter who has kicked the Shredder's ass before, right? It seems very lame that the Shredder could just walk up and "threaten" Splinters with his "knife arm guard" and that's enough to render Splinter helpless. And if the Shredder wants to do something to prove that he is on the Turtles' side, threatening their Sensei with bodily harm seems like a REALLY stupid way to do it.

I would throw all of this Splinter/Shredder stuff out, and instead have the Shredder do something constructive to help convince the Turtles that he is sincere -- like helping to stop Leatherhead's murderous rage against Stockman. Or better yet, have Stockman getting the better of Leatherhead (through some techno weapons or something), and the Shredder saves Leatherhead's life.

5.) I'm really not at all sure about this "Let's build a teleportal!" bit. Back in the "Turtles In Space" arc, it SORT OF made sense that the Fugitoid, with the Turtles' help, could try to build a transmat in a few hours, only because he had been working on it, or at least gathering components for it, during his Triceraton captivity... and he had access to the advanced technology of the Triceratons and the Federation. It was still a stretch, though... but this whole thing about the Shredder building a transmat is REALLY stretching it.

Is there some other reason we want the Shredder to get his hands on a transmat? If so, I'd like to know what it is. If not, I think we should figure out a different reason for him and the Turtles to work together.

6.) Re: the following:

"Donatello is jacking the Fugitoid’s empty shell into the helicopter and …

Donatello enters with the Fugitoid … memory/brain of Professor Honeycutt restored.  Well, most of his memory anyway.  Donatello had rigged a backup without really thinking about it in Ep. 57.  He had no idea the mind of Professor Honeycutt would have remained intact."

So the Shredder's HELICOPTER was possessed of a computer memory which was powerful enough and sophisticated enough to store within it the contents of the Fugitoid's mind? That seems like quite a stretch. This scenario also sets up a weird bit -- unless the memory core/whatever in the helicopter is erased by Don (which raises its own ethical questions), then we have a helicopter which thinks it's Professor Honeycutt!

Also, practically speaking, Don doesn't have to haul the 'Toid's body around -- just his head, right?

--------------------

Premise for Episode 61

1.) In the previous episode, our heroes and the Shredder go to the Shredder's castle in Japan. But in this episode, the Shredder, Splinter, Raphael and Hun will "scavenge some much need parts" in New York (from "Big Al's Transmat Shop"...?). Why go all the way to Japan and then back?

2.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, Leonardo, Karai and Michelangelo pilot the Shredder’s stolen Triceraton Freighter up to Republic Central.  Using the codes from the stolen (and destroyed) from Zanramon’s personal space cruiser, our heroes enter the bay for the now-gone space cruiser."

Again, very convenient that Shredder was somehow able to steal a Triceraton ship. But the question here is -- how do they have these codes? Where did they get them?

3.) I think it's a good idea to do this rebellion led by Traximus, but I wonder -- if we are going to end this arc with peace between the Triceratons and the Federation, perhaps we should start setting up some character or characters on the Federation side (close to General Blanque?) who might seize power there and start up a new regime which will seek peace instead of war?

--------------------

Premise for Episode 62

1.) Re: the following:

"Both General Blanque and ex-Prime Leader Zanramon are to be taken back to the Federation and tried for their crimes."

Why are they both being taken back to the Federation? Wouldn't it make more sense for Zanramon to be tried by the Triceratons?

2.) I'm really not loving all this frantic running around and trying to defuse one bomb and fix another one. It just seems like a lot of pointless action. And as I mentioned earlier, I don't buy this "doomsday weapon"/mutual suicide pact bit.

Something that occurred to me: Both the Triceratons and the Federats originally found their way to Earth, in their search for the Fugitoid, by tracing the faint trail of transionic radiation or particles from the action of the Utroms' transmat which beamed the Fugitoid and the Turtles from Triceraton/Federation space back to Earth, and shortly thereafter the Utroms and the Fugitoid left Earth, beaming back to the Utroms' homeworld. Now, the Fugitoid has had himself beamed BACK to Earth (in episode 57) -- so wouldn't it make sense that his transmatting back to Earth would leave a similar trail of transionic particles -- leading right back to Utrom space? 

       And if so, what if the Triceratons and the Federation BOTH realized that -- and realized that at the other end of that transmat rainbow was the prize they had been seeking all this time -- a working transmat? Wouldn't it make sense that they would THEN decide to start out down that trail, thus putting the Utroms in jeopardy? And would this possibly be a better/more interesting problem for our heroes -- how to stop the Triceratons and the Federats from invading the peaceful Utrom world(s)?

----------------------

<<PS- We should have a rough cut of your interview to send to you sometime
next week.>>

Great! I look forward to seeing it.

-- Peter

Blast from the Past #636: November 13, 2003: comments on Episode 55 second draft, November 13, 2003: comments on Episode 57 outline first draft, and November 14, 2003: Episode 58 outline first draft

Subj: comments on Episode 55 second draft
Date: Thursday, November 13, 2003 12:12:05 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Not much to say here. There are a couple of things about the re-worked opening that bug me, as follows:

1.) Re: the following:

2. *ANNOUNCER (VO)
And if the little pink Earthlings think they can hide the Fugitoid robot that carries the plans for the Teleportal that will win us the war…
*ON – THREE TRIBASES taking up positions around the earth at *triangular points. The Tribases suddenly <SURGE> with power, emitting …
3. *ANNOUNCER (VO)
Think again, Pinkies!

I don't really care for the "pink" bit. I suggest the following changes:

2. *ANNOUNCER (VO)
And if these foolish Earthling primates think they can hide the Fugitoid robot that carries the plans for the Teleportal that will win us the war…
*ON – THREE TRIBASES taking up positions around the earth at *triangular points. The Tribases suddenly <SURGE> with power, emitting …
3. *ANNOUNCER (VO)
Think again, puny mammals!

2.) Re: the following:

11. ANNOUNCER (VO)
… four terrapin creatures have put the old wooden zagtot in the works …

What the heck is "the old wooden zagtot"?! If the intention here is to say something like "a wrench in the works", I suggest finding a slightly less silly way to say it... maybe just say "a wrench in the works".

-- Pete

-----------------------------------------------

Subj: comments on Episode 57 outline first draft
Date: Thursday, November 13, 2003 12:36:51 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Episode 57 outline first draft. I think it has a few serious problems, but it's not unfixable.

1.) Re: the following:

Donatello (v.o.):  "And let’s just say these aliens are searching the multi-verse for an advanced, extra-terrestrial android, who happens to be a friend of yours."

"Multi-verse" is, I think, inappropriate. I think to maintain a reasonable sense of scale we should say "galaxy" or at MOST "universe".

2.) Re: the following:

Donatello:  "Here on Earth?!  But why?"
Fugitoid:  "I’ve come to help you now that the Earth is in great danger from the Triceraton invasion!"
Leonardo:  "It wasn’t … but it is now …"

This still makes NO sense to me. Why would the Fugitoid come all the way to Earth BY HIMSELF, when the Triceratons -- who he KNOWS are searching for him to take his knowledge of the teleportal -- are surrounding the planet? Is he that stupid? Why does he reenter the lion's den -- putting not only himself in peril but by extension, through the teleportal (if the Triceratons get their hands on it) billions of innocent beings throughout the galaxies?

3.) Re: the following:

Physically, the Triceratons outmatch the turtles, and the fight soon turns against the turtles.  Suddenly the Fugitoid calls out, "Clear!" and the turtles climb out of the water, clinging to the tunnel walls as…

…the Fugitoid jabs two cables from his chest into the water, sending a huge electrical blast which shocks the Triceratons and sends them spasming down.

Didn't the Turtles kick a lot of Triceraton butt in the arena? Why are they having so much of a problem with these guys, on their home turf no less? I suggest we just let the Turtles defeat these Triceratons, and not just because "Super-ElectroToid" makes me cringe.

4.) Re: the following:

Donatello:  "I could try to mask the signal, but it’s going to take time."
Raphael:  "I think I know a way to buy you that time…"

Raph gives the Fugitoid a sly grin.

Mozar stands at the bow of a hovercraft in front of a unit of armed Triceratons as the craft moves along a tunnel, following the beeping scanner to an eight-way junction.  There, standing at the center are the turtles with the Fugitoid.

Mozar:  "I have found you.  You have caused us enough trouble already in our search for the… robot."
Fugitoid:  "Actually you are mistaken.  I am an android."
Mozar:  "Terrapins, I am so happy that I can be the one to take your heads to the Prime Leader!"

As one, the Triceratons raise their rifles and aim at the turtles.  Just then Raph gives the signal.  Donatello grabs the Fugitoid’s head, which comes cleanly off in his hands.  Leonardo takes his arms and shoulders.  Raphael takes the Fugitoid's torso.  Michelangelo grabs the Fugitoid's legs.

The turtles split up agreeing to be at the meeting point as they each take a different tunnel, leaving the Triceratons standing.  Mozar looks at his scanner as the Triceraton signal splits into four smaller signals moving away from each other.  Mozar turns angrily to his troops…

I can barely express how dumb this is. It's like the Turtles have suddenly decided it's a really neat idea to show and tell the enemy what their plan is! Woo hoo! How stupid is that??!!
Also, the Fugitoid is technically NOT an android. Let's just keep calling him a robot, as this little "Robot" "No, android!" gag is not really funny. At all.

5.) Re: the following:

Donatello is being pursued by Mozar on the hovercraft with a unit of troops firing after him.  Mozar is intent, speeding after Don, gaining on him, when Don dashes into (where Shredder’s helicopter is stashed).  Mozar and the Triceratons chase in after him…

…then suddenly race out again as there is the sound of whirling blades and Don bursts out in the Shredder’s helicopter, the Fugitoid piloting it via a cable patch in his head.

I'm a little confused by this... Shredder's helicopter? How...? When...? Why...? And why/how is the Fugitoid piloting this helicopter via a "cable patch in his head"? Can't Don fly it?

6.) Re: the following:

Leonardo races through the alleyways, hiding in the shadows and darting from doorway to doorway, avoiding the Triceratons who are scouring the area with their scanners.  Then Leo has an idea…

A Triceraton picks up a Fugitoid reading on his scanner.  He calls the other troops over to him as he follows the scanner to the end of an alleyway.  Suddenly the reading races off and the Triceratons charge after it, through abandoned buildings and warehouses.  Eventually the Triceratons corner the reading and advance… "We’ve got you now!"

The soldiers clear away the junk in the corner of the warehouse… closer… closer… until they reveal… a rat sniffing at a Fugitoid toe, as Leonardo is several blocks away, running hard.

This is just TOTALLY goofy. A TOE???!!! 

-- Pete

-----------------------------------------


Subj: Episode 58 outline first draft
Date: Friday, November 14, 2003 3:53:19 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I just read the first draft of the outline for Episode 58, and have a few comments.

But before I get into them I have to say that I'm starting to wonder if this huge arc is a good idea. I actually started to get a little bit BORED as I read it. Now, that may be just because it's late and I'm tired, but it concerns me.

1.) Re: the following:

ACT ONE:

The four Turtles and the Fugitoid stand surrounded by the Military, shielding their eyes from the bright spotlights.

Fugitoid: "Oh dear.  I'm afraid it's out of the frying pan and into the fire."
     Donatello: "Don't worry, Professor.  These guys are on our side."

I understand that Donatello is pointing out that these soldiers are NOT Triceratons, but it is a really strange thing for him to say "Don't worry". And when have the Turtles EVER felt that the US military is "on their side"?

2.) Re: the following:

Suddenly, our heroes receive a massive jolt from the soldiers' unique, futuristic, BS&P-approved taser-like weapons.

Military Commander: "On the ground, alien scum!  Hands behind your heads!  Now!"

The Turtles and Fugitoid "assume the position" as the soldiers strip them of their weapons and blindfold them.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but the Turtles seem to fold and become passive AWFULLY quickly in this scene, for no apparent reason. Or is the "massive jolt" sufficient to render them helpless/unconscious? It just seems that after seeing them take on large groups of foes in past episodes, this quick surrender is odd.

3.) Now that Donatello has figured out a way to hide the Fugitoid from the Triceratons' scanners, what do the Triceratons think? Do they think the Fugitoid has once more left the planet, and if so, what do they do? Do they think he has been destroyed? deactivated? what?

4.) Re: the following:

Of greater concern to April is what she finds on the Mystery Man's palmtop: dossiers complete with photos on the four Turtles, Splinter and herself, as well as Shredder, Karai and Baxter Stockman among others!

It seems odd to me that these "Mystery Men" -- who are actually advance agents of the Federation -- would have information on the Shredder, Karai, and Baxter Stockman. Why? What's the point?

5.) Re: the following:

Meanwhile, strapped down in high tech Hannibal Lechter restraints and blindfolded, the four Turtles and the Fugitoid are wheeled down a HIGH TECH CORRIDOR on high tech interrogation tables.  

The Fugitoid is worried, but Leo assures him that if he's in the hands of the Earth Military, then at least he's out of the hands of the Triceratons.

It's nice of Leo to try to make the Professor feel better, but really, isn't that cold comfort? ESPECIALLY given the fact that they are currently all "strapped down in high tech Hannibal Lechter restraints and blindfolded" and "wheeled down a HIGH TECH CORRIDOR on high tech interrogation tables"? My point (similar to my point in comment 1) is that, while technically correct, it's kind of a silly thing for Leo to say.

6.) Re: the following:

Bishop wheels the interrogation table containing the Fugitoid toward the silhouetted figure, who slowly steps into the light, revealing himself to be GENERAL BLANQUE, now sporting a long battle scar, which runs down the side of his face!

Snore... really, does EVERY bad guy have to get a facial scar? I think this is unnecessary and rapidly becoming a silly cliche.

7.) Re: the following:

It becomes clear from their conversation that Bishop has made a pact with General Blanque and the Federation -- although perhaps his reasons for doing so won't be entirely spelled out here.  (Thoughts?)

One thought I had was that because the Federats are, for all intents and purposes HUMAN, there could be a natural inclination to consider Earth for membership in the Federation... something Bishop and his superiors might pursue as a very pragmatic survival mechanism, given that they now know that space has hostile aliens which could (and currently do) threaten Earth's existence. Membership in the Federation, even as a remote outpost, might help to protect Earth.

8.) Re: the following:

April: "Ninjitsu balance technique?"
Splinter: "Actually, it's something I learned from Michelangelo."

As Splinter "rides" the wave, he can't resist shouting:

Splinter: "Kowabunga!" (off their looks) "Sorry.  I should have known I could not pull that one off."

While I appreciate the attempt at humor and I like the fact that Splinter gets to show off some of his cool skills in this scene and others, that last line just HAS to go. Not only does it contain the dreaded "cowabunga", but it is also redundant and silly. 

9.) Re: the following:

As the giant wave is about to crash on the shore, Splinter calls out for April and Casey to jump off on his signal.  They jump, rolling to a rough landing on a warehouse rooftop while the wave <SMASHES> the rowboat to splinters on the pavement below.

This action seems totally ludicrous to me.

10.) Re: the following:

Bishop: "I've been observing you four from afar for quite some time now."

Why? How? When? Also, in this scene I get the impression that Bishop is about to dissect all four Turtles. If so, that seems really silly/wasteful and less dramatic than if he chose ONE of the Turtles, which would be truly horrifying to the other three -- helpless to save their brother as he is being assaulted.

-- Pete