Blast from the Past #493: August 31, 2005: Re: Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") 1st Draft and Re: Show 123 ("Bishop to Knight") 1st Draft

Subj: Re: Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") 1st Draft
Date: Wednesday, August 31, 2005 12:32:31 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my 19 notes on the ep122 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:


"MICHELANGELO
Oh, yeah! These are twenty first century skizzles, my digital friend!"


"Skizzles"? I should probably say I think Snoop Dog-type slang is really dopey and (in my humble opinion) very soon will sound VERY dated. If that's what this is, let's just say "skills", please.
In addition, why is Mikey saying this anyway? They're now in the twenty-SECOND century, right? Why would he be bragging about his twenty-FIRST century videogame skills? I woud think that 22nd century videogames would be that much more advanced, and thus require a correspondingly advanced 22nd century skill set. I think it would be more likely that instead of bragging about how good he is, Mikey would be sweating and trying to catch up.


2.) Re: the following:


"Raph, Don, and Leo emerge from their rooms in bathrobes, rubbing their eyes and stretching. "


Here's a question -- are they wearing their new "future Turtles" gear under their bathrobes, or are they "undressed"? I would hope it were the latter. Something that has mildly bugged me throughout the show to date has been seeing the Turtles sleeping with their masks on.


3.) Re: the following:


"MIKEY starts to struggle out of his harness, but only manages to flip himself pside down. SERLING rolls in. "


This is the second time in a couple of days that I have seen "Serling rolls in". Is this shorthand for "Serling enters the room", or are we really saying that he literally ROLLS in (on WHEELS, it would seem)? I thought Seling WALKED.


4.) Re: the following:


"MICHELANGELO
Hurry, Robin! To the Shell-Mobile! URK!
CODY stops Mike as he leaps off of Serling, grabbing his shell."


Given the size and strength differential between Cody and Mike, I doubt Cody "grabbing his shel" would make Mike go "URK!" and/or do much to stop him. But it might be funny if Cody TRIES to stop Mike by grabbing on to his shell, and Mike barely notices it, spinning around to look for Cody, but Cody spins WITH him, and Mikey can't see him for a moment.


5.) Re: the following:


"CODY
Levellex Mall is huge. You can’t get around without a map, a camel and three days’ worth of water."


I question Cody's use of "camel" -- seems awfully twentieth century to me.
Actually, re-reading that line, it at first sounds kind of funny but is really kind of dopey. I think you could "get around" the mall without all those supplies, but to see it ALL you would need to provision yourself.


6.) Re: the following:


"ON SCREEN - Images of MIKEY switch over the images ofPhantoms, so it looks like MULTIPLE MIKEYS are stealing the truck.
JAMMERHEAD
(like an announcer)
This just in…crazed Turtle robs the Levellex! Call the ASPCA!"


If there are "MULTIPLE MIKEYS" stealing the truck, shouldn't it be "crazed Turtles rob"?


7) Re: the following:


"STARLEE
Maybe Cody arranged a candlelight lunch? Not. "


Weird line.


8.) Re: the following:


"CODY bursts from the store and catches up with them. The GAMERS ON LINE chant, while the CLERK yells through his megaphone…
GAMER VOICE
HELIX! HELIX!
CLERK
There will be no chanting on my watch!
CODY
Guys! Trouble! Street Phantoms are jacking the Helix-2 truck!"


I suspect that this can't be worked into this episode, but when I read the above, I had this image of Cody having difficulty getting past the throng of Helix fans, so he grabs the clerk's megaphone and yells his "Guys! Trouble! Street Phantoms are jacking the Helix-2 truck!" line into it... with the inadvertent result that most of the people waiting in line are outraged -- and they all head out in their various vehicles after the truck and the Street Phantoms, causing all kinds of chaos as the Turtles start their chase.


9.) Re: the following:


"DONATELLO (O.S.)
We got company. Biggles!
RAPHAEL
And I left my good pearls at home."


Raph's line is odd -- needs work.


10.) Re: the following:


"THE PEACEKEEPERS descend on a stunned Mikey, pinning his arms behind his back. DONATELLO steps from the Hovershell.
DONATELLO
Whoa! That’s the creep that stole the Helix 2 shipment!"


There should be some indication that Don is indicating Jammerhead as the culprit here -- like "Whoa! (pointing at Jammerhead) THAT'S the creep that stole the Helix 2 shipment!" 


11.) Re: the following:


"RAPHAEL
He played a game for three days straight…dis isa surprise?"


"Dis"?


12.) Re: the following:


"RAPHAEL
Fantastic, dat’s what! The mask is a nice touch!"


"Dat's"?


13.) Re: the following:


"LEONARDO
We are in SO much trouble when we get home."


I don't see why Leo says this. Why would the Turtles be in trouble? (And he says something similar later on.)


14.) Re: the following:


"ANGLE ON DONATELLO as he slams his Bo staff across the valve unit on a canister. The valve <EXPLODES> off, sending a huge burst of COMPRESSED AIR at a PHANTOM about to jup him. The Phantom ‘phases out’, but the compressed air ‘scatters’ him."


While visually interesting, this "scattering" makes little or no sense. Think about it -- if a Phantom can "phase" through solid metal, rock, pavement, etc. and be unaffected, how an a puff of air harm him?


15.) Re: the following:


"MICHELANGELO
You all ready played hero once, Bud! Allow me!"


That should be "already".


16.) Re: the following:


"LEONARDO
Yeah, I have a clue!"


Leo doesn't say "yeah".


17.) Re: the following:


"DONATELLO
And that armor…that’s some piece of equipment! I mean, you gotta give him credit…"


Don doesn't say "gotta".


18.) Re: the following:


"LEONARDO
And we are training him, master. I mean, he’s obviously not a ninja…but he sure is a Casey Jones! (Off of an elbow from Don and   Raph)_That’s not me helping, is it?"


I think these lines should go.


19.) The ending of this episode is a little flat... though I'm not sure how to improve it.




-- Pete


----------------------------------------



Subj: Re: Show 123 ("Bishop to Knight") 1st Draft
Date: Thursday, September 1, 2005 1:12:54 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my 18 notes on the ep123 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

" MIKE (INHALING DEEPLY, PLEASED) 
Umm! Smell that? 
RAPH 
I thought I told you to go to the bathroom before we left."

I like a fart joke as much as the next guy (maybe more), but this one seems, for some reason, to be too crude and/or awkward. It's also a little odd because in your classic fart joke, somebody has to object to the smell, unlike Mikey who is here obviously relishing it. 
Perhaps it isn't necessary to have this type of joke here.


2.) Re: the following:

"They pass a dark alley where three ROBO-SOLDIERS stand waiting, WEAPONS DRAWN! Raph freezes in his tracks.


RAPH
Psycho-lookin’ robots.
THE ALLEY. A half-dozen or so of the ROBO-SOLDIERS. Our boys pull out their weapons and power them up.


A fight ensues through the back alleys of Downtown, the Robo-Soldiers corralling the Turtles with blockades and controlled bursts of fire! After a bit of fighting it becomes clear that these guys are driving the Turtles somewhere."

I'm not sure the staging (as much as I can perceive it) works here. If I'm understanding it correctly, the Turtles are walking down the street and they pass an alley with these Robo-Soldiers. Then somehow the Turtles are being "driven" through the back alleys of Downtown.  How does this happen? Do the Turtles run into the alley to battle the Robo-Soldiers? Seems weird, somehow... kind of flat. Maybe it's odd that the Turtles are so obviously and easily "herded" -- that doesn't seem right.
This might work better if (a) it were set up better, i.e. with some  motivation for the Turtles to start fighting with these Robo-Soldiers other than just seeing them in an alley, and (b) for the Turtles to be LED rather than HERDED. One idea could be for the Turtles to see these Robo-Soldiers doing something bad to some apparently innocent (or at least helpless) citizens -- they could then leap in and save those citizens, then pursue the Robo-Soldiers (to make the Turtles' chasing of the Robo-Soldiers more believable, maybe one of the citizens could say that the Robo-Soldiers stole something valuable from him or her).
One reason to do it this way would be that it would better show (because the Turtles are actively chasing rather than passively being "herded") that -- as Bishop says when he reveals himself -- the Turtles' "skills haven’t diminished after all these years."


3.) Re: the following:

"RAPH PASSES through Bishop. 
RAPH
Yeah, but it sounded cool to say.
DON
Whoa! Bishop’s a hologram!
TURTLES ATTACK Bishop but get the same air-whiff result.
RAPH
Lucky for him, otherwise I’d kick his holobutt!"

For the other three Turtles to attack Bishop after (a) Raph does it and passes through him, and (b) Don specifically SAYING that Bishop is a hologram makes them look INCREDIBLY stupid.
And Raph's comment about "kicking his holobutt" makes no sense -- obviously, as Bishop is a hologram, Raph CAN'T kick his butt, holo- or otherwise. Perhaps it would be better to just have Raph say:


"RAPH
Lucky for him, otherwise I’d kick his butt!"


4.) Re: the following:

"RAPH
So quit cloning around, Bishop. What is it you really want?"

The "cloning/clowning" wordplay doesn't really work here.


5.) Re: the following:

"LEO
I don’t buy it. I just can’t believe Bishop’s become a good guy.
DON
Me neither. It’s probably just another one of his sick games."

I think it might be more interesting if all the Turtles didn't share exactly the same feelings about Bishop, especially Don. The way I see it, given that he's had some time to think about it, Don might see the possibility that there is merit in what Bishop says, and that -- while it's only been a "few weeks" since the Turtles last encountered him, for Bishop it's been a hundred years... and who knows how a person could change in that amount of time? Perhaps Don could respond to Leo something like this:


"DON
I don't know, Leo. He might not be a "GOOD guy", precisely... but maybe he's not quite as BAD as he used to be."


6.) Re: the following:

"DON
Bishop is right. Ziixx is a troublemaker of legendary proportions. He’s got active warrants out for his arrest from a dozen planets. Unfortunately, none of them have extradition treaties with earth or the council."

This seems a bit odd, as just a page or so ago, Bishop said the following about Torbin Zixx:

"BISHOP
He’s a free citizen with no outstanding warrants."

7.) Re: the following:

"RAPH
Maybe so but it doesn’t prove Bishop’s come over from the dark side.
MIKE
Maybe he’s gone over to the dork side."

It might be funny to give Raph a line here after Mikey's. something like this:


"RAPH
That would mean he's ready to team up with you!"


8.) Re: the following:

"MIKE
I can’t look! Oh, the humanity! Or should I say, the ‘alien-anity?’
RAPH
He’s going to massacre those little guys…."

Might be funny to give Raph's line to Don, and instead have Raph say (right after Mikey's line) something like this:


"RAPH
Or in your case, Mikey, the "in-anity"!"


9.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Listen. This is Torbin Ziixx, the legendary mercenary and smuggler. Ziixx of the Black Blade. Ziixx the Enigma. We need to take him down before he does something much nastier than starting a bar fight.
New Alien laughs.


LEO
What’s so funny?
NEW ALIEN
You are. He’s not Torbin Ziixx…
CLOSE on New Alien’s smug face.


NEW ALIEN
… I am."

While this is a decent gag, it just occurred to me that it is also kind of dopey, as it depends on the precept that NONE OF THE TURTLES HAVE EVER SEEN A PICTURE OF TORBINN ZIXX!!! Given that he is a " troublemaker of legendary proportions" with "active warrants out for his arrest from a dozen planets", doesn't it make sense that in researching Torbin Zixx, they would have come across an image of him?
If the idea is that Zixx, like some famous terrorists in our history, have never been photographed (and I'm not so sure that's a great idea or makes a whole lot of sense, given that Zixx is a mercenary as opposed to a terrorist), then that should be stated outright before the Turtles get to the bar.
Conversely, we could establish that the Turtles HAVE seen images of Zixx, and this big alien who is picking the fight looks a LITTLE bit like him -- maybe enough that Mikey could make a joke about how Zixx has been packing on the pounds/sucking down steroids/pumping himself up/etc...


10.) Re: the following:

"ZIIXX
Hmm. I don’t being in the dark about a job, if you’ll pardon the expression. I don’t think I can help you with this, Sh’Okanabo."


I think the word "like" is missing between "don't" and "being".


11.) Re: the following:

"SH’OKANABO
I’ll double your fee.
WIDER to show both. Sh’Okanabo hands stack of money to Ziixx.
ZIIXX
And all of it upfront."

Should we have Sh'Okanabo electronically transferring funds to Zixx's account (via some handheld gizmos each of them have) or use actual physical money? Or... maybe better... should Sh'Okanabo pay Zixx in something else (gems/drugs/relics/etc.), something that later on could become an "Achille's heel" for Zixx?


12.) Re: the following:

"ZIIXX
And all of it upfront.
SH’OKANABO
Agreed. Do not fail me, Torbin Ziixx.
As Ziixx stands counting his money we see Sh’Okanabo  get swallowed up in his own dark shadows. The shadows recede away. Ziixx stands alone for a second, looking down at the package. The silence is broken by a voice coming from behind Ziixx. 


RAPH (O.C.)
Yo, Poppin’ Zits…"

Have the Turtles witnessed Zixx with Sh'Okanabo here?


13.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Look – there’s the Howitzer Gravity Lift. It’s massive! Guess it’s gotta be to propel ships directly to the moon."

Leo doesn't say "gotta".


14.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Does the size and shape of that package remind you of anything, Donnie? Not to mention the fact that it’s been hidden here in the hold of a ship?
DON
Yeah. Boy, I sure hope you’re wrong."

I don't get it -- why does Leo mention the "size and shape" of the package? Why should it remind Don of anything?
And Don doesn't say "Yeah".


15.) Re: the following:

"DON
Even if my driver’s license expired a hundred years ago. Now let’s see what this baby can do!"

This would be funny if Don had ever HAD a driver's license. Which he didn't.


16.) Re: the following:

"Moment of silence as the gravity of the situation sinks in.
LEO
Gee, the last time we were on a rocket that was about to explode it was due to the Shredder."

This is fine, though I would lose the "Gee" -- it seems silly and pointless.


17.) Re: the following:

"THE HOVERSHELL zooms up alongside the window, piloted by Torbin Ziixx!
RAPH
—Torbin Ziixx?!
MIKEY
Open the pod bay door please, Hal.
LEO WITHDRAWS his katanas.
LEO
Well, what do you know? Stand back you guys, I’m going to carve us an escape route!
Don guns the controls, Leo uses his modified extra-sharp katanas to cut through the Transport Vehicle’s cockpit and the four turtles leap to their Hover Craft."

It seems a bit odd that Leo immediately jumps to "cut a hole in the cockpit" instead of checking to see if there is a hatch of some kind (which there very likely would be).


18.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Some dude named Sh’Okanabo."

Doesn't sound very Leo-ish -- I think he'd say:


"LEO
Someone named Sh’Okanabo."


-- Peter