Friday, February 3, 2012

Blast from the Past #467: March 30, 2005: Re: script 116 ("Enter the Dragons" Part One), Re: Ep 117 ("Enter the Dragons" Part Two) First Draft, and Re: Show 115 ("Past and Present")

Subj: Re: script 116  ("Enter the Dragons" Part One)
Date: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 12:44:30 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Just one comment:

1.) Re: the following:

"WIDER - Splinter, Ancient One and Leonardo turn to KARAI.
Like the Utrom Shredder before her, Karai has tapped into the Shredder’s energies.  We have shown her how to use that energy against him."

I find this confusing. What, exactly, is Karai doing? How did the Utrom Shredder tap "into the Shredder's energies"?

-- Pete


Subj: Re: Ep 117  ("Enter the Dragons" Part Two) First Draft
Date: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 1:29:05 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on Ep. 117 first draft.

A truly kick-ass episode. I have only a few comments.

1.) Karai's part in "channeling the Tengu Shredder's energies" still feels a little vague to me... like it hasn't been set up or explained enough. Maybe it's just me...

2.) Because it is SUCH a cliche (we even used something similar in the second TMNT movie), my preference would be that we do NOT use the "hand reaching out of the pile of rubble" bit to end this episode. Instead, I would prefer one of the following:

-- we end on an "up" note, with the scene of Splinter and the four Turtles... or maybe an even more "up" moment, where Casey and April rejoin the Turtles and Splinter, and announce their engagement (or have we done that scene already? I don't think so...)

-- we do the scene with the pile of rubble underground, but instead of seeing a human hand come out of the pile, we instead show the pile PULSING and SHIFTING, implying that SOMETHING is trapped underneath and is trying to get out... leaving exactly WHAT that thing is to be explained in the next season.

I am, of course, open to being convinced otherwise.

-- Peter


Subj: Re: Show 115 ("Past and Present")
Date: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 2:21:17 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on Ep. 115 second draft

1.) I still think April's "heart" response to Karai's question about the tea and poison is odd.

2.) Re: the following:

"* CASEY JONES LEAPS over the bed, <TACKLING> CHAPLIN! Karai falls back on to the bed as a <LASER BLAST> barely misses April!
* casey
Wrong day for a panty raid, pal! "

"Panty raid"? Do people still do that? And even if they do, is it appropriate here?

3.) Re: the following:

Chaplin, you fool! They are not keeping me captive. They are protecting me!
* Casey gets off of Chaplin, who rushes to takes Karai’s hands.
But mistress, nothing can protect you now. Haven’t you heard what’s happened?"

Chaplin's "nothing can protect you now" stills seems weird. Here's what I said about it in my last notes:

"Also, Chaplin telling her that "nothing can protect you now" seems goofy -- I mean, isn't that why he's there, to protect her? If he really believes that nothing can protect her now, why's he even bothering?"

4.) Re: the following:

"* splinter
Not without additional power. Ancient One and I have been meditating on Shredder’s presence in New York, and have felt a fluctuation in the city’s Ley Lines."

From my last notes: "Would Splinter refer to the Ancient One as "Ancient One" or "THE Ancient One"? I would say the latter."

5.) Re: the following:

"* mystic fire
Brothers. The reptiles, the rat … and Karai approach the keystones! Shall we tell our master--?
* mystic metal
And be turned into a toad? Or Worse?"

Minor point, but I think Mystic Metal should say "And be turned into toads?"

6.) Re: the following:

"mystic fire (contd.)
Awaken the Guardians."

Because we already have a group of heroic characters called The Guardians, I wonder if we could find another term which would not confuse the two. Perhaps "Keepers" or "Wardens". Or maybe when spoken of, these things should be referred to as "Keystone Guardians" instead of just "Guardians".

7.) Re: the following:

"Karai looks away from Leonardo, angry, but he grabs her hand.
You’re wrong, Leonardo. I have felt…HIS power inside of me. This “Shredder.” 
CLOSE ON - Leo looks at Karai with deep and earnest respect.
So? Energy is neither good nor evil! How you use it is your choice.
SUDDENLY, the ground SHAKES! They snap to attention as ANCIENT ONE leaps in front of them, ready for battle. LEO’S AMULET AND MARKINGS IGNITE.
ancient one
I think I like you two better when you fight. Buckle up, Bozos, here it comes!"

The Ancient One's lines here are WEIRD. Why would he like it better when they (Leo and Karai) fight? And... "Buckle up, Bozos"??!!! WTF?!

8.) Re: the following:

"WIDE – The GUARDIAN chases DON as he swings from FLAGPOLE TO FLAGPOLE in front of the U.N. It <KNOCKS> them aside like reeds!
Great, so we should blow real hard?
SPLINTER - crouches calmly at the top of the last Flagpole. As DON reaches him…
Now is not the time for sarcasm. Only improvisation.
THE FLAGPOLE BENDS as Don hits it. Don and Splinter ride it down until Don lets go and it <SPRINGS> back up—
ANGLE ON – firing SPLINTER AT the Guardian!"

Don's line sounds more like on of Raph's. And the action as described seems... off. How is Don able to "swing" from flagpole to flagpole... when these are VERTICAL flagpoles? And I have to say that the bit with Splinter sitting on top of the last flagpole and waiting for Don to bend it down (!!!) so Splinter can get flung at the Guardian is just really silly, preposterous slapstick-type action.

9.) Re: the following:

ancient one
Get ready, kid! I’M DRIVIN’ IT HOME!!!"

When did the Ancient One turn into a wise-crackin', NYC cabbie type? This is GOOFY.

10.) Re: the following:

"* april
You’re out of time! Now or never, guys!"

A minor point, but if you are really out of time, how can it be "now or never"? Maybe she should say "almost out of time".

11.) Re: the following:

* WIDE - THE LEY LINE emanating from Raph and Mikey is actually starting to PUSH BACK the dome!
* CLOSE ON MIKEY – opening one eye to look at Raph…
* mikey
Man, I love bein’ a turtle."

While I like the ""love being a Turtle" line when appropriately used, what does "being a Turtle" have to do with this moment?

12.) Re: the following:

"* CLOSE ON - OUR HEROES as the WAVE PASSES THROUGH, turning all of the undead to ASH! Chaplin is stunned.
* Chaplin
It actually worked? I was totally making that stuff up to impress Karai."

Really, REALLY silly.

13.) Re: the following:

"ext. EARTH FROM SPACE – continuous
The dark wave of Shredder’s evil magic spreads past the borders of Manhattan… onto the East Coast, and beyond…
WIDER - Shredder’s evil spreads across the globe…
WIDEST – painting part of the EARTH IN BLACK!"

Huh?! This is more than a little out of control. The Shredder's "black dome" does NOT extend beyond NYC... certainly not "onto the east coast, and beyond" and "painting part of the EARTH IN BLACK".

-- Pete

1 comment:

  1. I am getting the idea that ideas for the Ninja Tribunal episodes where used in Back To The Sewers such as the engagement and The Shredder War. Its interesting to see how these things have roots earlier on and play out much later.

    This is my favorite episode or since its two parts episodes of the entire series. The only thing that left me scratching my head seems to be the same as it was for you, the Shredder energies.