Blast from the Past #440: October 4, 2004: designs for Ep. 91, October 5, 2004: comment on Ep. 95 second draft, and October 8, 2004: comments on second draft of Ep. 96 and comments on Ep. 99 (nee 100)

Subj: designs for Ep. 91
Date: Monday, October 4, 2004 5:59:43 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I got no designs for Ep. 91 via email, but did get a bunch via fax. They all look good, except for "demon Splinter" -- I think his bladed shoulder pads look way too much like the Shredder's, and there's nothing in the script that I can see that would indicate this approach. (With these blades, he also looks a little bit too much like "Dark Splinter" from the "superhero universe" episode.)  Perhaps some pretty different-shaped blades would fix this -- maybe even something as simple as straight spikes or straight arrowhead-type blades (anything that is not hooked like the Shredder's blades, I guess).


There were also two designs for Ep. 92 -- Gen in tanktop and Central Park old pumping station -- and these looked good.


-- Pete

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Subj: comment on Ep. 95 second draft
Date: Tuesday, October 5, 2004 7:25:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here is my one comment on the Ep. 95 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Well, I wish I could find some decent parts for motion detectors will come our way."

This line was rewritten (previously it was "Hopefully some decent parts for motion detectors will comes our way." and I commented that "comes" should be "come"), but this new version is even less grammatical. I would suggest changing it as follows:


"*DONATELLO
Well, I wish I could find some decent parts for motion detectors."


-- Pete

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Subj: comments on second draft of Ep. 96
Date: Friday, October 8, 2004 9:26:05 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the second draft of Ep. 96.


1.) Re: the following:

"Robyn sits down in front of the computer on April’s desk and begins typing away.  April stands behind her.
OTS ROBYN – The monitor shows gibberish and weird symbols.
ROBYN
Is something wrong with your computer?
ON ROBYN AND APRIL – as a puzzled April looks over Robyn’s shoulder at the computer monitor.
*APRIL
No.  I don’t think so.
*ROBYN
Maybe it’s got a virus.
CLOSE ON APRIL’S FACE – staring at the computer monitor. 
PUSH IN ON THE MONITOR – with more numbers and symbols.
*APRIL (O.C.)
Hmm, that’s strange."

This change to the first version of this scene -- which I thought was lacking -- makes even LESS sense now. I mean -- April's looking over her sister's shoulder at the computer screen, which is showing "gibberish and weird symbols.", and she says nothing is wrong with it? What, does it always display "gibberish and weird symbols"?
Here's how I would suggest changing this scene:


"Robyn sits down in front of the computer on April’s desk and begins typing away.  April stands behind her.
OTS ROBYN – The monitor shows gibberish and weird symbols.
ROBYN
Is something wrong with your computer?
ON ROBYN AND APRIL – as a puzzled April looks over Robyn’s shoulder at the computer monitor.
*APRIL
There wasn't the last time I used it.
*ROBYN
Maybe it’s got a virus.
CLOSE ON APRIL’S FACE – staring at the computer monitor. 
PUSH IN ON THE MONITOR – with more numbers and symbols.
*APRIL (O.C.)
Hmmm... that's like no virus that I've ever seen."


2.) Re: the following:

"*ON APRIL – as she turns the artifact and sets coordinates.
*APRIL
Then, I’m using those coordinates to go save Uncle Augie.
*ON DONATELLO AND APRIL – as Donatello looks uncertain.
*DONATELLO
Woah, slow down, April.  The message is incomplete.  The coordinates might be wrong … or fake. 
*APRIL
Those coordinates are my only clue to finding Uncle Augie.  
*DONATELLO
At least wait until the other guys get back.  Maybe let me go get some gear or-
*WIDER ON APRIL AND DONATELLO – as April finishes setting the coordinates.  
*APRIL
No.  Uncle Augie is in trouble and he needs help now.  Now.  Not later. I know it’s risky, but I have to go.  And, I’ll go alone if I have to."

I must reiterate a previous comment I made, as this problem has not been fixed:


"I appreciate that April loves her Uncle Augie and wants to help him, but the way she is approaching it is really dopey. Basically, she's going into an unknown situation and environment with ZERO preparation. She doesn't take any supplies, food, weapons, etc..  Lame."


It's almost WORSE, now, with April's jumping to the conclusion that she can't wait a MINUTE! She's got to go NOW! It's silly, and makes HER look silly. Why not just take a few minutes to throw some supplies in a back pack? Some food, maybe a first aid kit, a flashlight, etc... I think it's fine to emphasize her urgency, but let's try to make it reasonable.


3.) Re: the following:

"*UNCLE AUGIE
It can’t be.  The Brotherhood wants to serve humanity …
*DONATELLO
Yeah, medium rare."

Don doesn't say "yeah" -- substitute "Right -- ". And would this gag be funnier if we referenced the source? Like this:


"*UNCLE AUGIE
It can’t be.  The Brotherhood wants to serve humanity …
*DONATELLO
Right, medium rare -- like in that "Twilight Zone" episode."


OR...


"*UNCLE AUGIE
It can’t be.  The Brotherhood wants to serve humanity …
*DONATELLO
Right -- like in that "Twilight Zone" episode."

4.) Re: the following:

"*APRIL
Uncle Augie?  Where are we?
*UNCLE AUGIE
The Brotherhood call this place the “Forbidden Zone”.  No one is allowed in here.  They think it’s haunted. 
*REVERSE – as Donatello reacts to something he sees in the distance.  He stops in his tracks.
*DONATELLO
And, I think I know why.  Look!
*HIGH ANGLE ON THE FORBIDDEN ZONE – revealing a huge white mountain of bones and skulls.  The bones are stacked in the middle of the abandoned city, adjacent to the raised monorail platform.  From the platform, Uncle Augie, April, and Donatello stop and stare.
ON UNCLE AUGIE, APRIL, AND DONATELLO – as they react in horror.
*DONATELLO (CONT’D)
It’s… a mass grave."

As "The Brotherhood" are the ones who have eaten all these unfortunates and put all these bones here in the first place, why would they call this place the “Forbidden Zone”, unless it was just to keep Augie out of it, so he wouldn't discover their secret? I think it would be good if Don mentions this in passing.


5.) Re: the following:

"*The Brotherhood Warriors return to the city.  Two warriors carry a wooden pole that Uncle Augie is tied to.  A very pleased Counselor watches them return.
COUNSELOR
Excellent.  By sundown, we will be feasting on the people of Earth.  "

How does the Counselor know that "By sundown, we will be feasting on the people of Earth"? What has happened that would lead him to think this?


6.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
I’ve rigged the Tech Tab will set off the Zodat magnetic charges and break the Transport Artifact.  We’ll finish the job the Zodats started."

I think this should read:


"*DONATELLO
I’ve rigged the Tech Tab to set off the Zodat magnetic charges and break the Transport Artifact.  We’ll finish the job the Zodats started."




-- Pete

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Subj: comments on Ep. 99 (nee 100)
Date: Friday, October 8, 2004 10:39:58 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my two comments on the Ep. 99 (nee 100) outline.


"Return of Savanti Romero Part 2"


1.) Re: the following:

"A COMET streaks into frame from space, heading right for Earth!"

Should that be an asteroid instead of a comet?


2.) Re: the following:

"Smiling, Savanti climbs on board the back of the quetzalcoatlus which quickly rises up, beating its 40 foot wingspan.  It turns to Renet… Don is running to her side, but he’s too late.


Savanti aims the Time Scepter right at her, unleashing a blast of chronal energy.  Renet glows, then DISAPPEARS."

I don't see why Savanti has to blast her with some kind of spell which makes her disappear (why didn't he do this to begin with?) instead of having the  quetzalcoatlus grab her in its talons.


-- Pete