Blast from the Past #439: October 3, 2004 Re: Final on 94 and comments on Ep. 97 outline revised

Subj: Re:   Final on 94
Date: Sunday, October 3, 2004 5:57:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 94 "final" draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO (V.O. CONT’D)
If that is my fate, I will face those demons as many times as they want…
Karai, holding the sword (now wrapped in fabric) and the helmet, slowly and ceremonially walking down a grand staircase.
**LEONARDO (V.O. CONT’D)
But this, this may be the hardest cut of all…"

I think it would work better if Leo says "as many times as I must" instead of "as many times as they want".
Also, "the hardest cut" is a phrase I'm not familiar with. "The unkindest cut" is a familiar phrase -- is that what is meant to be used here? (FYI -- a quick Google search turns up 267 hits for "the hardest cut" vs. 7330 for "the unkindest cut".)


2.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO (V.O. CONT’D)
Once, she had a goodness in her … once, she had honor.
**ON- A display case, Leonardo <LEAPS> from B.G. onto it.  He crouches down ninja style ready for action.  His eyes narrow.
**LEONARDO (V.O. CONT’D)
But now, she has so far crossed the line that there is no turning back."

The phrasing here in Leo's second line is awkward, and I think what Leo is saying in his first line isn't quite right. I would change that first line to something like this:


"Once, I thought there was good in her... I thought she had honor. I was wrong."


And I would eliminate the second line (because it is superfluous) and go right into "From what she did to my family I will have justice." (Note that I have gotten rid of the "me and mine" -- I think it's clunky. And if we make that change, then maybe Leo's next line should read "I will avenge them..." instead of "I will avenge my family..." so we don't repeat the word "family" twice in two consecutive lines.


3.) Re: the following:

"**With a huge <CRASH> the one Shrednaught <BREAKS> through the wall.  Falling bricks tumble to the ground, dust fills the air.

I thought the Shrednaught was "silently buried under a camouflaging pile of rubble and debris"? What's it doing crashing through "the wall"?


4.) Re: the following:

"**WIDER – The whole Shrednaught goes limp and slumping now that Leo has “knocked out” the pilot.  Leonardo looks at the Foot Ninja/Pilot’s “Foot” uniform.
**LEONARDO
(a bit stunned)
The Foot!"

This is kind of curious -- is Leo really "stunned" that the Shrednaught is a Foot device? I can't remember the design, but doesn't it have some kind of Foot insignia on it? And even if it didn't have an insignia, and Leo had to guess who was behind it, wouldn't the Foot be one of his first choices... and thus he wouldn't be "stunned" by the reveal? I think a better direction would be as follows:


"**WIDER – The whole Shrednaught goes limp and slumping now that Leo has “knocked out” the pilot.  Leonardo looks at the Foot Ninja/Pilot’s “Foot” uniform.
**LEONARDO
(angry)
The Foot!"


5.) Re: the following:

"ON- The Foot Ninja (partially inside the Shrednaught).
*FOOT NINJA/PILOT 1
I will tell you nothing!
*He presses a button on his controls.  Lights <FLASH> on the suit and a <HIGH PITCH NOISE> grows louder and louder.
Leonardo does a backwards <ROLL> away from the Shredaught.
Leonardo DIVES out of the lair, and into the sewer tunnel as fire <EXPLOSION> shoots from the doorway behind him, just as he lands to safety."

This "self-destruct suicide" move by the Foot ninja doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I mean, Leo didn't DISABLE all of the Shrednaught's weapons and combat systems -- he just found a way to "pop the lid" and bapped the Foot ninja piloting it. The pilot SHOULD have all of the Shrednaught's weapons at his disposal... so why does he commit suicide instead  of trying to fight more or at least escape?


6.) Re: the following:

"**KARAI
Leonardo.  Deploy all available Foot Ninja.  Search the city.  Destroy him!  I want Leonardo’s head on my desk before sunrise!
**The P.P. Foot Ninja bows and turns away.  Karai turns to the night skyline of the city.
**KARAI (CONT’D)
This night, my beloved father will be fully revenged."

I think the "I want Leonardo’s head on my desk before sunrise!" is kind of silly and unnecessary -- I'd lose it.
Also, I think the word should be "avenged", not "revenged" (which I'm not even sure IS a word).


7.) There is some SLIGHT improvement in the way Leo finds the others, specifically how he finds Raph, but it isn't enough. There is still no indication or explanation of HOW he finds Don, Splinter, and Mike, WHY he looks in the places they are hiding. He just DOES it. It's probably too late to fix this silliness completely, but maybe a line from Leo to Splinter like "I'm glad I paid close attention when you were teaching us those ninja tracking lessons, Master" would help.
As I don't see WHY it is particularly necessary -- as far as the story goes -- for Leo (and us) to spend all this time and effort to find the rest of them in all these different locations (I know the writer is trying to emphasize the Turtles' destitution, but I think the fact that the lair is destroyed and they're all beat to shit sort of says it all), I will reiterate the idea I proposed a while back (in my comments on the first draft of this episode), which would not only make more sense, logically, but also  free up more screen time to do other more important stuff:


" It just occurred to me that it would have made a lot of sense for the Turtles to have had a contingency plan for an event of this nature -- some catastrophic thing happening which would split them all up. They would very likely have had one or more pre-set locations where they could rendezvous in an emergency, so they wouldn't have to waste a lot of time with random searches."


8.) Re: the following:

"**SPLINTER (CONT’D)
And, with my family safe, I finally can rest easy."

I think Splinter would use the more grammatically correct "rest easily" rather than the more vernacular "rest easy".


9.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo walks and pulls the blanket around Splinter wrapping him inside.  "

What an odd sentence! What, exactly, is meant by this?


10.) Re: the following:

"Splinter smiles patting Leonardo on the side of the arm."

Another odd sentence. Why "the side of the arm" instead of simply "the arm"?


11.) Re: the following:

"**SPLINTER
It means, nothing is permanent, but for now, let us focus on the present moment.   How are you, my son?
**LEONARDO
I wish I had been here to help you … but the experience with the Ancient One … it was pretty amazing.
**SPLINTER
Yes, I can see it in your eyes.  I have my son back."

Leo's comments are kind of odd, in context. It almost sounds like he's saying that, given the choice, he would RATHER have been with the Ancient One that back in NYC helping his family defend their home. I also think it's pretty obvious that Leo wishes he'd been there to help, so to have him say it is somewhat superfluous, and as I said, in this context it's somewhat contradictory. I think we need to clarify what needs to be said in this bit -- which is that Splinter wants to know if Leo has solved his problem. I would suggest changing things as follows:


"**SPLINTER
It means nothing is permanent. But now, I wish to know -- how went your journey?
**LEONARDO
It was... difficult, yet rewarding. And my experience with the Ancient One … it was pretty amazing.
**SPLINTER
Yes, I can see it in your eyes.  I have my son back."


12.) Re: the following:

"Splinter looks up at Leonardo with concern …
**SPLINTER (CONT’D)
And, I can see something else in your eyes.  Your journey is not finished."

I would lose the "Your journey is not finished." bit, as Leo's going after Karai is NOT part of the journey we set him on, and I don't think it's a good idea to make it so. It's also a superfluous line.


13.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO (CONT’D)
(louder/announcing)
I’m going to go get some food, and some supplies and medicine.  I’ll be back.
WIDER ON- The room as Leonardo exits.
RAPHAEL
Bring back some sodas or somthin’
DONATELLO
And a big flat screen TV.
MICHELANGELO
And some pizza, and Chinese food, oh, and some gyros…"

Compared with Mike's and Raph's requests, which are sort of reasonable, Don's request is SO stupid that I think we should just drop it. Remember, just because Raph and Mike want Leo to bring them back something doesn't mean that Don has to.


14.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO
So, you’re the new Shredder…  I’m not impressed.
*Karai <UNSHEATHES> the sword in one fluid motion.
**KARAI
You will be!  When I cut you to pieces!  You will not live to see the dawn!"

Both Leo's and Karai's lines here are lame -- Leo's for its pseudo-cool/tough guy aspect and Karai's for their shrill, over the top nature. I would change them as follows:


"**LEONARDO
So, you’re the new Shredder… 
*Karai <UNSHEATHES> the sword in one fluid motion.
**KARAI
Yes... and I am your doom."


15.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO
You’ve gone too far this time, Karai.
**KARAI
And, I am not finished!  Only when I have destroyed you, then I will have truly avenged and honored my father."

I would change this as follows:


"**LEONARDO
You’ve gone too far this time, Karai.
**KARAI
Not far enough -- only when I have destroyed you, then I will have truly avenged and honored my father."


16.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
Everything you honor is a lie, Karai.  That sword in your hand, that helmet you carry, and especially the man you call father."

I would suggest this small change:


"*LEONARDO
Everything you honor is a lie, Karai.  That sword in your hand, that helmet you carry, and especially the man -- the thing -- you call 'father'."


17.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
You are trying to build an empire on a foundation of lies and evil…  You are destined to follow in your father’s failure.
On Karai 
KARAI
How dare you even mention my father!"

I would suggest this change:

"*LEONARDO
You are trying to build an empire on a foundation of lies and evil…  You are destined to follow in your father’s failure.
On Karai 
KARAI
My father only failed to destroy you. And I shall not repeat that mistake!"

18.) Re: the following:

"KARAI
Your technique has changed?  Your form is strong."

Why the question mark? 


19.) Re: the following:

"*Karai PICKS UP her Shredder helmet placing it on.
**KARAI (CONT’D)
You are not only facing me.
*CLOSE ON- The burning red eyes of the Shredder helmet.
**KARAI (CONT’D)
You are facing the Shredder!
On Leonardo.
**LEONARDO
Really?  Must be a little crowded in that helmet."

This is truly "groan worthy" dialogue. I would lose all of it.


20.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I thought you understood honor.  But I was wrong.  You’re exactly like your old man…  You understand nothing."

Leo's use of "your old man" is inappropriate for the moment. I would substitute "him".


21.) I still don't like the ridiculous ease with which Karai takes BOTH of Leo's swords away from him with a CHAIN. And it seems to be done not for any great reason, but just so Leo can say "I don’t need weapons to defeat you Karai…  Your own anger defeats you…" -- and then, four lines later, he goes and grabs a weapon (one of his swords)! I guess maybe he DOES need weapons.


22.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO
You’re losing to your anger Karai…  You remind me of a turtle I know…"

Who is referring to here? Raph? Or himself? If he's referring to himself as he used to be BAO (Before Ancient One), then shouldn't he say "You remind me of a turtle I used to know…"?


23.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO
What’s the matter, Karai?  Can’t handle me on your own?  Need back up?  That’s a first."

More inappropriate "tough guy" lines from Leo. And Karai needing backup is DEFINITELY not a first, so that line is goofy.
I think that perhaps a better resolution than Leo running away (which is essentially what he is doing) would be for him to have her at his mercy, then leave... giving her one last chance. (Which she will blow in an upcoming episode, of course.) With that in mind, I would change the following:

"**LEONARDO (FIRM)
The next time we meet, I won’t spare your life."

to something like:

**LEONARDO (FIRM)
I'm granting you a last chance to do the right thing, Karai. Don't waste it."

I would also leave out Karai calling for backup -- in fact, she could whip out her com device to TRY to do that, but Leo could make some kind of cool move and take it away from her.


24.) Re: the following:

"*MICHELANGELO
Hey, thanks Leo!  What’s up with the arm?
*LEONARDO
It’s nothing, Mikey."

Because we also currently have Don doing the "It's nothing" bit (re: his goo-infected scratches), AND because there is no reason for Leo to NOT tell Mikey how he got wounded -- or simply THAT he got wounded -- I would suggest changing that line to something like:


"*MICHELANGELO
Hey, thanks Leo!  What’s up with the arm?
*LEONARDO
Just a little battle damage, Mikey."




-- Pete

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Subj: comments on Ep. 97 outline revised
Date: Sunday, October 3, 2004 10:26:36 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Revised Ep. 97 outline.


I'll be frank up front so we don't waste a lot of time -- I really, REALLY don't like this outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"CUT TO the prison as the super villains are delivered and attack the guards.  Malignus reveals himself and his plan to destroy the Justice Force with the help of a little alien goo (This was the last piece of the puzzle that he needed for revenge.  We will destroy the Justice Force).  With it he’s going to get the heroes out of the Fortress of Justice so that they can get in there, and tap into the defense system.  He’s going to beat them with their own weapons.  "

I hope this makes more sense later on, because at this point it a big mess. "the super villains are delivered " -- what super villains? "Malignus reveals himself and his plan to destroy the Justice Force with the help of a little alien goo" -- from where? What does alien goo have to do with these super villains and this prison at this moment?


2.) Re: the following:

"Inside Mikey is spazzing out over the cool super hero conference table and chairs, the computer monitoring system, the food replicator (makes himself a Super Hero sandwich) and the costume replicator (He makes about eight Turtle Titan costumes for a rainy day.  “Okay, I think that’s enough, Mikey.”)  "

Is this STAR TREK? "Replicators"? I think we should steer clear of that kind of ultra-high technology, and if we want to do some of this goofy Mikey slapstick, maybe we can have some kind of "automated sandwich (and/or costume) maker" -- a kind of sophisticated computer-controlled machine which -- for example -- can take an order for a ham sandwich, and can cut the ham, slice the bread, assemble the sandwich, squirt mustard on it, and deliver it on a plate.
I also think eight costumes is a bit too much, even for this gag.


3.) Re: the following:

"The heroes arrive at the prison and engage the monster but it’s a fake and a trap.  The super villains attack the heroes and it’s almost like they’re trying to get the heroes to use all their powers against them.  


Intercut with mounds of formless goo in human-sized canisters (hooked up to Malignus’ helmet slowly taking on the form of the heroes.)


At one point, the super heroes all absorbed by Gas Giant.


At this point the turtles show up … seemingly too late, overwhelmed and facing some seriously bad dudes …


ACT THREE:


The turtles turn the tide of the battle but as they defeat the villains, the villains turn into goo.


Meanwhile, the heroes are apparently walking into the Fortress of Justice … leading the way for Malignus and the real super villains.""

My head is spinning from trying to make sense of all of this.  There is so much silliness and illogic in this scenario that I don't know where to begin. I think part of the problem here might be the attempt to connect Malignus and the super villains with the "alien" goo, and it's just not working for me.


4.) Re: the following:

"Inside, Malignus gloats that his victory is at hand as he drains more of the trapped heroes powers"

And he does this HOW?


5.) Re: the following:

"But, Ananda manages to send one of her Domeoids with a “Princess Lea-esque” message:  “Help us Turtle Titan, you are our only hope.”"

Oh. My. God.


6.) Re: the following:

"The turtles have to get inside and destroy the main mega computer’s core.  The domeoid shows the turtles a “backdoor” into the Fortress through the sewers."

Well, isn't THAT convenient? What a great security system the Justice Force have!


7.) Re: the following:

"The Turtle Titan starts popping up everywhere (“I’m over here!”  “No, I’m over here!”  And the various “Turtle Titans” with their “super speed” and seeming “teleportation power” draw the villains away from the computer’s core allowing Donatello (also a Turtle Titan) a chance to slip in with the domeoid."

I am speechless. This is TOTALLY inane.


8.) I strongly suggest that we either (a) trash this outline and start from scratch, or (b) forget this story idea.


-- Pete