Saturday, December 31, 2011

Blast from the Past #449: November 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1"), Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") outline, and , Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft



Subj: Ep. 102 ("Good Genes, Part 1")
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:44:58 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on EP. 102 second(?) draft. This is labeled as "second draft", but is it really the first draft?


1.) Re: the following:

"SHADOWY INFORMANT
No, but I can help you get it… for a price.  The bio-tech is encoded in a crystal… I believe you’re familiar with the organization that holds it."

I'd like it if we could find another way to refer to Karai's artifact rather than as a "crystal", just to avoid confusion with the other crystals (from the Underground) which have featured prominently in this series.


2.) Re: the following:

"LEATHERHEAD
Donatello’s condition may be worse than we thought.  The added effect of the outbreak strain is reacting violently with the Utrom mutagen in his blood."

As it seems awkward and superfluous, I would take out "added effect of the" in Leatherhead's second line.


3.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
And if someone created it… they can un-create it."

A somewhat silly presumption from Leo. I think instead he should say:

"LEONARDO
And if someone created it… maybe they can un-create it."

4.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (CONT’D)
This is where Bishop is?!?  Area 51 is… it’s the heart of darkness!  UFO Central!  The nexus of weirdness!!
Raph appears from behind, tucking his sai into his belt, getting ready.
RAPHAEL
Then you’ll fit right in, weirdo."

I like Raph's line, but I think ending it with "weirdo" is gilding the lily.


5.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
Not exactly, Michelangelo.  We detected the helicopter as it approached, yes – because it’s MY helicopter.  Dr. Stockman took it to New York on his ill fated trip.  
WIDER on BISHOP, as STOCKMAN enters the light from behind Bishop.
ON THE TURTLES, surprised.
RAPHAEL
You have got to be kidding!"

When I first read this, I thought Raph's "You have got to be kidding!" line was referring to Bishop's saying that the helicopter was Stockman's... which didn't make much sense. I realize now that he is in fact reacting to seeing Stockman, but I wonder if we could make that clearer by changing Raph's line as follows:


"RAPHAEL
Stockman -- ?! You have got to be kidding!"


6.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Better you had left in the river than this."

This line seems to be missing a word or two.


7.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP (CONT’D)  
But not for free.  I would require… a favor."

"Favor" doesn't seem to be the right word here.


8.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
There’s gotta be another way.  What happened to the ‘beat it out of him’ plan?
MICHELANGELO
We can’t make a deal with Bishop… Don’s in trouble because of him!  AND he tried to dissect us!
CLOSER on LEO, staring at Bishop.
CLOSE ON BISHOP, returning the gaze.  Unreadable.
BACK ON LEO, his decision made.
LEONARDO
It may be a deal with the devil, but what choice do we have?"

Raph's got a good point. What DID happen to the original "beat it out of him" plan? What exactly has happened to change that plan? Why is Leo saying that they have no other choice?


-- Pete

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Subj: Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal") outline
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:46:17 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 104 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"(NOTE: these four are four other prospects for the Tribunal.  I thought it might be fun to have them from different disciplines:"

"Prospects for the Tribunal"? What does this mean, exactly? I suppose I should read on... maybe it will become clear.


2.) Re: the following:

"TANG SOO BULLY - The big bully white guy could be a Tang Soo Do “master” and be all worried about being a triple belted black belt.  He’s that typical, pain in the ass American who knows nothing of true martial arts and only understands the American bastardized version."

Isn't that a lovely little bit of bigotry? And if this guy is such an obvious asshole, why the hell did the Tribunal choose him? Are they really such poor judges of character?


3.) Re: the following:

"The Ancient One hems and haws a little:  “I … uh … it seems … well the Tribunal … it was just a little grandfatherly bragging about the turtles and that interested the Tribunal.  I tried to plead with the Tribunal … but they …”"

Okay, I'm totally confused now.


-- Pete

-----------------------------


Subj: Ep. 101 ("Adventures in Turtle Sitting") second draft
Date: Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:47:11 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 101 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Well, no.  This outbreak is way more than four turtles can handle -  
INCLUDE MIKEY – lifting his three fingers, his eyes widen.
MICHELANGELO
(interrupting Leo)
THREE Turtles…and countin… "

Mike's line seems totally superfluous and unfunny to me (and why do "his eyes widen"?). I'd lose it, and change Leo's line to "Well, no.  This outbreak is way more than we can handle."


2.) Re: the following:

"WIDER - the BIGGER, BADDER LOBSTER <LEAPS> at LEO like a tarantula, knocking the katana out of his hand and knocking Leo onto his shell, landing on Leo’s plastron.  
BIT CLOSER - Leo blocks the lobster with his shooter.  There’s a <RING>.  With his free hand, Leo grabs his SHELL CELL.
LEONARDO
<FIGHT WALLA> Hello.  <FIGHT WALLA> "

Leo answering the phone in the middle of a fight is just painfully dopey.


3.) Re: the following:

"BISHOP
I had your brain recovered from the bottom of New York’s East River.  It was lying there…lifeless, after your misguided sabbatical. "

"Lifeless"? So now Bishop can bring people back from the dead?


4.) Re: the following:

"UP ANGLE ON THE STAIRWELL LEADING TO KIRBY’S ROOM - April and Casey race down it - AT AND PAST CAMERA.  Monster Don <HOWLS>, its tongue dangles crazily out of its mouth as it runs after them AT AND PAST CAMERA. "

"Its tongue dangles crazily out of its mouth"...? Seems very silly.


5.) Re: the following:

"MONSTER DON’S POV – Casey and April, terrified, clutch themselves as the footsteps of Don continue toward them.  They back up more and more, past the door to Kirby’s room.  Don moves directly in front of the door.
CASEY
April!  I think this is really “it”!
APRIL
I can’t believe it’s going to end like this!!!"

Hmm... April and Casey "clutch themselves"? Does the writer actually intend that they should clutch EACH OTHER? This is a dopey bit -- it seems really silly that Casey and April would give up like this. At the very least Casey should prepare to make a heroic gesture such as attacking Monster Don to distract him long enough for April to escape.


6.) Re: the following:

"APRIL drives wearing a HEADSET.  Beside her CASEY holds a TRACKER.  It’s <BLIPPING>.  Through the window we see STREET SCENERY.  An <INAUDIBLE VOICE> is heard through April’s headset.
APRIL (CONT’D)
We’re getting a Don reading - he’s headed towards Central Park.  Still underground, but it looks like he’s making his way to your new home."

How, exactly, is April able to track Monster Don?


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
We’re coming on the lair, and Don IS CLOSE, REAL CLOSE, about 50 feet ahead!  Someone will need to lure him to us while we set up the containment unit."

First, there's an "on" missing in the first part of the first line -- it should read "We're coming up on the lair..." Second, let's not insult the intelligence of our viewers -- I think people will realize that fifty feet is close without having Leo go "CLOSE, REAL CLOSE".


8.) Re: the following:

"ON THE CONTAINMENT UNIT – the front doors swing open releasing a strong gust of SUCTION WIND accompanied by <ACTIVATION SOUNDS>. 
WIDE ON TUNNEL – Monster Don staggers in the direction of the open doors.  The suction from the trap pulls a resistant Monster Don towards it and sucks Monster Don into the trap. "

"Suction wind"? Oh my God. Let's just have Leatherhead force/throw Don into the trap.


-- Pete

2 comments:

  1. sounds like this writer has a little bit of ghostbuster envy with the 'containment unit' and 'suction wind' bit... that's immediately what I first thought of

    ReplyDelete
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