Blast from the Past #527: January 4, 2006: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") 3rd Draft and Re: 143 ("Zixxth Sense") Outline, and January 7, 2006: Re: TMNT Show 141 ("The Cosmic Completist") First Draft

Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") 3rd Draft
Date: Wednesday, January 4, 2006 9:57:20 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments (not many) on the Ep. 138 third draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Sorry to disappoint you, Raph, but there won’t be any “between heats”.  The machine in this race will make around the entire Tri-State track in just a few hours."

Minor point, but I think that should be "machines", not "machine".


2.) Re: the following:

"INT. HOVERSHELL – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
Don, Raph and Falcon peer out at a TUNNEL ENTRANCE up ahead.  It’s way too small for the Hovershell to fit through.  
RAPHAEL
We ain’t gonna fit!
DONATELLO
Then we’ll just have to MAKE it fit!
EXT. JERSEY FIRE PITS – CONTINUOUS
The Hovershell sheds its “shell”, which gets <SCORCHED> by the flame burst as the “TANK” half narrowly slips into the tunnel.  "

As I said in my last notes:


"I think this bit needs to be thought out a little more. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Tank part of the HoverShell isn't "way" smaller/narrower than the "shell" part. I also think they should do something a little more sophisticated than just "peer" at the tunnel to ascertain that it is too narrow for the Hovershell to fit through it. Maybe there could be a gizmo on board the Hovershell which views the road ahead and analyzes obstacles of this nature, displaying results on a screen, which could SHOW that the Hovershell is wider than the tunnel."


This could be accomplished by something as simple as using one of the holo-displays on the Hovershell to display an image of the upcoming tunnel with an overlay of an outline of the Hovershell (as seen from end-on).


3.) Re: the following:

"**FALCON
Sh’yeah, as dead weight!"

"Sh'yeah"? How about just "Yeah"?


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: 143 ("Zixxth Sense") Outline
Date: Wednesday, January 4, 2006 9:32:12 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 143 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"The golf bag FLICKERS and fades away, and we see that it was merely a holographic cover for the smuggled ALTAIRIAN BLASTERS.  Grinning, Zixx tosses them to the aliens.  But his grin fades when the Ugly Alien levels the blaster at him."

I wonder if it might be a bit funnier and be a better visual if instead of the bag being a "holographic cover", the CLUBS are actually the blasters -- they look like golf clubs (however golf clubs look in the future), but when manipulated in a certain way, they TRANSFORM into lethal looking blasters.


2.) Re: the following:

"Raph suggests blowing the meteor up with a thermonuclear bomb.  But Zixx explains that wouldn’t work because black matter is harder than a trillium diamond.  “A bomb would just polish the surface,” he says.  Still, the Turtles refuse to believe that there is nothing they can do to stop Earth’s destruction.  Zixx hesitates."

Hmmm... because it seems logical (to me, anyway) that in the future there would be weapons or engines of destruction far in advance of a mere thermonuclear bomb (i.e. blasters, megalasers, proton beams, phasers, neutron disruptors, terraforming molecular masers, etc.), it might be good here to mention a few of them, and then have Zixx admit "Yeah, there is enough technology available to reduce the dark matter meteor to space dust... but I ran a computer simulation, and it would take a little too much time" "How much time?" demands Raph. "Oh, about a year and a half!" replies Zixx.
But Don should STILL be suspicious.


3.) Re: the following:

"But he knows where there is another ship that will get them there.  He leads them to BISHOP’S PRESIDENTIAL SHUTTLE.  “Good old Bish won’t mind if we borrow this,” insists Zixx.  “He and I are old pals.”

The Turtles aren’t too keen on this plan, but Zixx barges ahead before they can stop him.  He ambushes two of the shuttle’s guards and sets off blaring alarms.  When the other guards open fire, the Turtles have no choice but to defend themselves.  As they take out the remaining guards, Zixx fires up the engines and commandeers the Presidential Shuttle.  The Turtles hop on board and hope for the best."

I'm wondering if -- because the Turtles' involvement in the theft of Bishop's shuttle would lead to problems (that they don't need) with Bishop -- Zixx and the Turtles should steal someone else's shuttle. They could still be chased, maybe even by Biggles' crew.


4.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles wake up in a cold, barren cell.  They are furious with Zixx for betraying them.  


DONNY: What did you expect?  You can’t spell Zixx without a double cross!"

That's clever... but a pun like that is more a Mike thing.


-- Pete


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Subj: Re: TMNT Show 141 ("The Cosmic Completist") First Draft
Date: Saturday, January 7, 2006 2:18:01 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 141 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"CODY
I think it’s cool.
RAPHAEL
No you don’t.
CODY
Yes I do."

The "No you don't"/"Yes I do" exchange seems silly to me, and extraneous. I would take out those two lines.

2.) Re: the following:

"A RED-HOT ESCAPE POD crashes through the roof to smash the action figure.
BLINDING SMOKE.  <Coughing.>  The smoke clears.  The roof is gone.  DUST and RUBBLE everywhere.  


Mikey is heartbroken as the mint-on-card figure, now a torn and dirty lump, drops in front of him."

I suspect "the roof is gone" is a slight exaggeration -- obviously, if the force of the escape pod would result in the whole roof being blown away,  it's unlikely anyone in the penthouse would survive the impact. More likely is that there is now a sizable HOLE in the roof.
Also, it''s a little confusing to me how the escape pod could smash through the roof onto the action figure... and then that same action figure "drops in front of" Mikey. Wouldn't it be crushed under the escape pod?

3.) Re: the following:

"CODY
I can handle myself.  I have the Turtle X Armor!  I want to come too!
LEONARDO
Can’t do, Cody. Anything that was able to take down all the Gunjins is going to be mega-dangerous.  Besides, it wasn’t easy for the Gunjin Leader to swallow his pride and come to us for help.  The Gunjin code of honor definitely wouldn’t let him take help from a kid, even one with battle armor.
CODY
I’m not a kid!  You don’t think I am, do you, Leo?
LEONARDO
Little ninja, you’re one of us.  Family.  So I’d like you to do me a favor and stay here where it’s safe."

Leo's "Can't do" sounds odd to me... maybe a bit too slangy for Leo. I'd prefer it if he just said "No" instead.
And Cody's "I'm not a kid!" rant sounds a little off. I mean -- he IS a kid. Not JUST any kid, of course -- Leo has already seen him in action and knows what he can do, especially when he is teamed with the Turtle X armor. I think it would be good if Leo's reply to Cody here reflected that, while at the same time making clear to him that this is a job for the experienced fighters.

4.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Gotcha, Leo."

Don MIGHT say "Gotcha" in a certain context, but this is not it.

5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yeah, yeah…38…37…we know the rest!  Let’s kick it!
Donatello kicks a big LEVER on the dashboard -- the ship shakes as the engines roar to life."

This is DUMB. When did Don turn into Raph? And... KICKING a lever? WTF? This is NOT Don.

6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
--“massive gravity field?”
DONATELLO
Yeah.  How’d you know?"

Don doesn't say "Yeah". And how DID Leo know, apparently BEFORE Don did?

7.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’m reading thousands of lifeforms on that ship.  But all dormant, like in hibernation.  Only one is awake, the DNA is strange…I don’t know what it is."

Minor point -- but maybe Don's scan of Aramzedo is being "blurred" or distorted by the armor that Aramzedo resides within, and Don can mention something to that effect, i.e. "Something is interfering with my scan of this lifeform..."

8.) Re: the following:

"TIGHT ON Leo as he jumps in front of the bot and takes command.
LEONARDO
Donny take its right.  Raph the left.  It can’t take us on all at once. It’s NINJA TIME!"

Gag! Please delete "It's NINJA TIME!" Actually, I wouldn't mind deleting all of this stuff, as it is kind of extraneous AND awkwardly worded... not to mention the fact that it's kind of a lame and presumptuous plan from Leo (how DOES he know that it can't take them on all at once?).

9.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’m coming, bro!"

Don doesn't say "Bro".

10.) Re: the following:

"Donatello WINCES.
DONATELLO
Okay, that even grossed me out…"

That sounds like more of a Mikey line.

11.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Lame?!  We’re grade-A Turtle, bucko!  Nothing of greater value!
RAPHAEL
Can it, Raph.  You’re not helping!"

I think Raph should say "Can it, Mikey", not "Can it, Raph".

12.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
<Gasp!>  Donny, shift over, man.  Your feet reek!"

That's some sensitive nose Mikey has... to smell Don's feet THROUGH A SPACE SUIT! Not to mention that Mikey's head is inside his SPACE HELMET!

13.) Re: the following:

"Michelangelo stands on the other side of the open doorway to the Hall of Humanoids, twiddling his fingers at the ‘bot.
INT. HALL OF HUMANOIDS – CONTINUOUS
Like before, the Pack-bot zooms super-fast across the room and between Mikey’s legs.  But, this time, when he stops behind him, he looks up to find the other Turtles balancing above on Donatello’s extended bo staff, and the Leader Gunjin hovering above them. "

The staging of this action is confusing to me. WHERE are all the Turtles "balancing" on Don's bo staff? HOW is it that the Pack-Bot can't SEE them until he has slid between Mikey's legs? WHY is this balancing bit a good strategy against the Pack-Bot? Something about this doesn't make sense.

14.) Re: the following:

"Raph pulls out his sais, and the others pull out their weapons.  Pack-bots from the nearby seats POLYMER SPRAY the weapons out of the Turtles’ hands onto the dirt.  The Turtles can’t pull the weapons loose."

I'm trying to envision how one would "POLYMER SPRAY the weapons out of the Turtles’ hands onto the dirt". Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense.

15.) Re: the following:

"Donatello grabs one by the arm and judo flips it.  The Dokepal lands on its back and bounces back onto its feet, unharmed.
DOKEPAL
Doke doke!
DONATELLO
It’s no use!  We can’t stop them.  Nothing can."

When did Don get so defeatist? Seems like it's a bit too soon to be saying "Nothing can" stop the Dokepals. Silly.

16.) Re: the following:

"ARAMZEDO(FROM SCREEN)
Chicken?!  Aramzedo is no flightless bird!  But you are beneath my notice! I do not need to trouble myself with insects such as you!  Pack-bots, collect them!"

Minor point -- are chickens really "flightless birds"?

17.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (CONTINUED)
I’m gonna pluck this buzzard one feather at a time until you come out!
GUNJIN LEADER
Yes.  He means it.  Oh.  Help.  Help.
Michelangelo gets a little too eager in his yanking.  The Gunjin Leader <growls> at him.
ARAMZEDO(FROM SCREEN)
ENOUGH!  Pack-bots, withdraw!
The Pack-bots withdraw to their seats in the stadium.
ARAMZEDO (CONTINUED)
Aramzedo will fight you.  If I win, you will join my collection with no further damage to my possessions.
LEONARDO
Agreed.  And if we win, you will release all your collection!
ARAMZEDO(FROM SCREEN)
Fine.  Aramzedo does not lose!
RAPHAEL
(snorts)
The day we can’t take on some pipsqueak geek is the day I hang up my sais for good!"

This is... not very good. Given the super-duper powers of the Pack-Bots (as Don points out a few lines earlier "We had our hands full with one Pack-bot.  How do we take on an army?"), it makes NO sense to me that Aramzedo would not just have multiple Pack-Bots rush the Turtles and immobilize them with their polymer goo. So what if Mikey is able to pull a few feathers off the Gunjin in the intervening seconds? I think some other way of getting Aramzedo to fight with them "in person" needs to be found. Maybe Mikey can INSULT Aramzedo somehow, maybe dissing him as a collector for some reason... maybe Mikey can even claim to be a BETTER collector than Aramzedo.
And Raph's "pipsqeak geek" line is a bit off, given that they have yet to SEE Aramzedo -- how does Raph know he's a "pipsqueak geek"? Maybe Raph could more logically insult Aramzedo as "a geeky collector doofus" or something like that.

18.) Re: the following:

"A GLOWING SURGE OF ELECTRICITY flows all over Aramzedo’s body up to Donatello and SHOCKS him.
The impact zaps him off to land woozy on the ground.
DONATELLO
I smell popcorn…where’s the butter…?"

That's much more of a Mikey line.

19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
There’s thousands of aliens!  How will you handle all of it?
GUNJIN LEADER
We have someone very organized to help us…
TRUE ARAMZEDO, the tiny alien, carrying a CLIPBOARD, runs after one of the Pack-bots.
ARAMZEDO
No!  Take him to Hanger 11!  First we will alphabetize all the aliens!  Then we will arrange them according to size!  Alphabetize – so commands ARAMZEDO!!
Everybody laughs as we…"

This is clever and funny... but not, as it stands, very logical. For it to make sense, there should be some reason that Aramzedo has agreed to do this -- I mean, hasn't this guy spent years collecting all these aliens? Why then would he help to repatriate them? Perhaps this could be tweaked as follows:

"DONATELLO
There’s thousands of aliens!  How will you handle all of it?
GUNJIN LEADER
In exchange for his OWN freedom, we have persuaded someone very organized to help us…
TRUE ARAMZEDO, the tiny alien, carrying a CLIPBOARD, runs after one of the Pack-bots.
ARAMZEDO
No!  Take him to Hanger 11!  First we will alphabetize all the aliens!  Then we will arrange them according to size!  Alphabetize – so commands ARAMZEDO!!
Everybody laughs as we…"

-- Pete