Subj: Re: 133 ("Timing Is Everything") 2nd Draft
Date: Wednesday, November 16, 2005 10:22:16 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my notes on the Ep133 second draft.
As an aficionado of time travel stories, I appreciate the effort to make this one intricate and clever, but I have to say it just isn't working for me in several areas.
1.) Re: the following:
"MIKEY AND RAPH barely pull up in time, <KLONKING> a floating TRAFFIC SIGNAL. A dish-shaped PIECE of the traffic signal POPS off of the signal, ricochets off of a building and falls…
TO THE GROUND – landing at two familiar sets of green feet. Pan up to find
ANOTHER RAPH AND MIKEY – watching in amazement as above them—
THE FIRST RAPH AND MIKEY - <ZOOM OFF> into the distance!
ON THE SECOND RAPH AND MIKEY, bewildered…
RAPH
That was us.
MIKEY
Yup.
RAPH
Did your brain just snap?
MIKEY
A little. Yup.
MIKEY cracks a big smile.
MIKEY
Time travel… you gotta love it.>>
Maybe something later in the script helps this make sense -- but right now, it seems as nonsensical as it did in previous drafts.
I've now read more of this draft, and come to the scene where Raph 1 and Mike 1 (the versions we've been following from the beginning of the story) encounter the other Mike and Raph, who apparently are from the future (relative to Raph 1 and Mike 1 at that moment). Mike 2 says "Don’t you see? We can haul shell back to the apartment and warn ourselves about getting zapped before we leave!" Okay... then why DON'T they? Instead, Mike 1 and Raph 1 just say something ("Grumpy young turtles grow up to be grumpy old turtles—") and then fly on by. If they were going to WARN their other selves -- and we have to assume that THAT'S where they were heading when we see them in the teaser -- why DON'T they? I'm sorry, but this is STILL nonsensical -- and (no pun intended) time-wasting to my way of thinking.
2.) Re: the following:
"MIKEY
Serling…guess we’re still kickin’ it in the future.
SERLING
Yet, ironically, I remain ever trapped in “The Age of Morons.” Behold the awesome folly of man’s quest to conquer time travel."
Serling's line is funnier if simpler -- i.e. "Yes -- I remain trapped in “The Age of Morons.”" All the other stuff seems like extraneous verbiage.
3.) Re: the following:
"DON rubs his chin, stops to look at his GAUNTLET.
DONATELLO
I think… I have an idea. A one in a billion shot…Where’s the nearest post office?"
and...
"RAPH
“Maybe?!” Donny wrote these instructions a hundred years ago for a maybe?!"
Does anyone else see this as absolutely preposterous? Think about it -- first, you have Don and Splinter back in 1990 and Don asks where the nearest post office is -- AS IF HE CAN WALK IN AND MAIL A LETTER??!!! Then, you have to somehow swallow the idea that SOMEHOW Don managed to mail these instructions from a post office... and HAVE THEM DELIVERED AT THE EXACT CORRECT TIME AND PLACE 100 YEARS IN THE FUTURE!!!
4.) Re: the following:
"LEO – slips under Shredder’s attack! Shredder sees his opening and STRIKES! HE KNOCKS Leo’s swords away and grabs him!
SHREDDER
Tell me …or shall I start with the boy?"
I don't get this -- the Shredder has knocked Leo's swords away and grabbed Leo... but then he says he going to start with the boy?
5.) Re: the following:
"ON THE ASTRONAUTS as they remove their HELMETS to reveal…
THEY’RE OLD VERSIONS of RAPH AND MIKEY?! Eighty some odd years old, complete with wrinkles and glasses over their masks!
OLD RAPH
Me! For seventy years we’ve been arguing over who really broke that whose-whatsis! You just cost yourself ten bucks!"
??????? Where did THEY come from?
6.) Re: the following:
"RAPHAEL
Hey, blockhead! Mark it on your calendar! 2080! Go to Compu-Shack and pick up a new modulator, then go see Donny. He’ll take care of ya! Don’t forget…and bring ten bucks!"
??????? I don't get it. What's the point of these instructions?
7.) Re: the following:
"CODY
If you promise not to try and eat my brains, yeah, I can help."
It's "try TO", not "try AND".
8.) Re: the following:
"RAPH
Big mistake. How ‘bout a shell kickin’ for old time’s sake!
LEO
Sh’Okanabo?
SH’OKANABO looks at Shredder for a moment, sizing him up…
ECU on SH’OKANABO as he snarls.
SH’OKANABO
Just...this once."
This "agreement" between Leo and Sh'Okanabo is lame. Sh'Okanabo obviously doesn't need to be asked by Leo to battle the Shredder, nor does he have any real impetus to seek an alliance -- even a temporary one -- with the hated Turtles. Sh'Okanabo's simple and obvious reason to fight the Shredder -- he wants to save HIS time machine from this new threat.
9.) Re: the following:
"DARIUS looks out of the window at the city.
DARIUS
Times, they are a’changing…
ANOTHER ANGLE – DARIUS’S BATTLESUIT looms behind him in the BG.
DARIUS
It is time that I changed with them…
ECU on DARIUS – cackling.
DARIUS
…and prepare for war."
Darius' folk singer phrasing ("a'changing"?) is weird... and I don't get what is happening here. What does he mean?
-- Pete
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Subj: 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") premise
Date: Saturday, November 19, 2005 8:30:36 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my notes on the Ep. 137 premise.
1.) Re: the following:
"Biggles slaps a pair of handcuffs on Cody, finally putting it together that Cody and Turtle X are one in the same."
Huh? How does he make that connection?
2.) Re: the following:
"Everyone is relieved… except Biggles, who now has to sort through a mountain of paperwork to remove Cody’s arrest from the books."
WHY would Cody's arrest need to be removed from the books? This whole "mountain of paperwork" bit seems silly and extraneous to me.
3.) Re: the following:
"Meanwhile, Raph and Splinter trace the remote control signal to the sewers… and the old Dark Turtles’ lair, where they battle their way past the Dark Turtles to get to Darius... which prompts Darius to turn up the fire power on Turtle X to even deadlier levels."
Whoa -- THAT came out of nowhere! Why bring the Dark Turtles into this story?
4.) Re: the following:
"DISSOLVE TO: Cody in his Turtle X armor, working out with the Turtles. We hear Serling’s voice, urging his young Master to be careful while dishing out his trademark insults to the Turtles. Then we realize the voice is coming from INSIDE Turtle X. Cody has down-loaded Serling’s memory and personality programming into the exo-armor!"
I think it's important that we move Serling's HEAD onto Turtle X's body, to maintain a key visual link to the character of Serling in his previous form.
-- Pete
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Subj: Re: 131 ("The Gaminator") Second Draft
Date: Saturday, November 19, 2005 8:31:13 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my notes on the Ep 131 second draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"18. * SH'OKANABU
Very well... But you are to bring them to me, so that I can dispense of them myself."
I think in this context "dispose" would be a better word choice than "dispense".
2.) Re: the following:
"38. * RAPH
Dungeonator! It sounds creepy. You can see Mikey wet his shell."
"Wet his shell" has to be one of the weirdest expressions I've ever heard.
3.) Re: the following:
"65. * VIRAL
Precisely. Your minds have been transferred into these digital representations of your pitiful organic bodies, which are frozen in state outside the console. While in the mainframe, your digital forms are no less real, and no less vulnerable than your pathetic carbon based forms. If you expire in here, you expire permanently."
"Frozen in state" is an odd turn of phrase. It evokes "lying in state", where someone important who has recently died is displayed (in their coffin) in a public building (as Rosa Parks was recently). I think we can get rid of the "in state" part and just say "frozen" (or "paralyzed").
4.) Re: the following:
"99. * TuRTLES
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!
... hitting the a patch of ground in a pile."
It just occurred to me that -- given that these are only digital "avatars" of the Turtles within the context of the videogame, it might be fun to let the animators cut loose with some wild and crazy manipulations of the Turtles while they are still just "code". For example, here, when they hit the patch of ground in a pile, they could all SQUASH momentarily in a very cartoony way. (It might even be fun to have one or more of them comment on their new "cartoon physics" behavior.) In fact, it might be the only way to finally do that thing that many writers suggest and I always shoot down -- having the Turtles pull their arms/legs/heads into their shells.
5.) Re: the following:
"The lines running from the Gaminator to the Turtles and Splinter SURGE toward them."
I don't think Splinter is part of this action, at least in this draft.
6.) Re: the following:
"* SERLING - now also back to normal, looks at the Turtles jumbled up on the floor."
Wasn't Serling bent over at an awkward angle with his head festooned with wires and stuck inside the game machine cabinet when last we saw him in the "real world"?
-- Pete
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Subj: Re: Show 131 and 134 Reminders
Date: Saturday, November 19, 2005 8:34:08 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my notes on the Ep. 134 outline.
1.) Re: the following:
" Jammerhead busts his way out of prison, looking to even the score with his Turtle Nemesises (Nemesisee?)."
It's "nemeses".
2.) Re: the following:
"Suddenly, a STREET PHANTOM’s head phases through the wall, right next to Jammerhead, doing re-con (if possible, JH’s eyes roll over to take a peek). Then another head pops through on the other side (again, more eye rolling). Then JH suddenly topples forward, revealing a third head that has come through the wall between JH’s shoulder blades, knocking him over. Oops.
One Phantoms carefully removes a high-tech MICROCHIP from a container (like an engagement ring in a box) then (using salad tongs) inserts it into JH’s noggin. The OTHER TWO set explosive charges on the wall.
Like a newly-greased Tin Man, JH “re-boots”. He’s cranky, and demands to know which Phantom knocked him over in the cell earlier. They all immediately point at each other.
Ka-BOOM! The wall shatters, revealing the spiffy PHANTOM SKIFF. As they all leap aboard (JH first, naturally), Jammerhead spells out his plan: "
While I am glad that Jammerhead no longer is LET OUT of prison but instead ESCAPES, the way this happens is kind of silly. Doesn't it strike anybody that Jammerhead, once "reactivated", should be able to do what his Street Phantom henchmen do here (and Jammerhead has done in past episodes) -- "phase" his way out of the jail cell? Why blow a hole in the wall?
3.) Re: the following:
"Cody anxiously offers everyone a seat at the dinner table (INTERCUT WITH THE FIGHT GOING ON THE ROOF; JH CONTINUES TO DOMINATE THE FIGHT).
Out comes the first course (with the Serling’s help?). Cody encourages everyone to dig in just as the CEILING COLLAPSES. The TURTLES end up on the dining table, on their backs."
So Jammerhead and the Turtles are just having a brawl on the roof... AND IT MAKES THE CEILING COLLAPSE??!! That's one poorly-constructed building.
4.) Re: the following:
"IN THE PENTHOUSE: Through the hole in the ceiling, JH leans over and taunts the Turtles. Starlee pushes her family aside to safety, but she, Splinter and the Turtles are all flung back onto the roof by a JH ‘stolen signature move’: ‘Elephant-Butterfly Energy-Eruption’ that happens when JH lightly taps his cane on the roof’s surface. "
Oh. My. God.
5.) Re: the following:
"JH performs another ‘stolen signature move’: ‘Immobilization hand-clap spine shock’, which causes everyone on the rooftop to momentarily freeze. "
Oh. My. God.
6.) Re: the following:
"This gives the flamboyant JH a chance to pontificate, “Revenge is a dish best served cold, so meet me by the old Alien Alley ice house in ONE HOUR!” Then he calmly leaps away."
Right... Jammerhead's beaten everyone and has them all at his mercy... and then decides not to take his revenge RIGHT THEN AND NOW. For no apparent reason.
7.) Re: the following:
"JH performs the ‘Elephant-Butterfly’ move and flips them all onto his skiff (Raph grumbles as a camera zooms in on his tail-end, “At least they got my good side.”). Then JH performs it again, sending the Turtles (and Splinter?) straight into the air. "
Oh. My. God.
8.) Re: the following:
"JH eagerly grabs up his cane, thinking he’s about to record something really great – when Starlee hits the vid-cam-corder and transmits Dad’s footage of GLAXXER bring a TOTAL KLUTZ.
The Turtles and Splinter watch with fascination as JH suddenly trips, fumbles and completely MESSES UP his moves."
So, let's see... we've already shown that Jammerhead doesn't even NEED the cane to battle the Turtles and Splinter (see the previous " By now, JH is so hyper-confident that he sets the cane aside in order to battle Splinter"), but SOMEHOW, when he downloads this "Glaxxer being clutzy" crap, HE LOSES ALL OF HIS FIGHTING ABILITIES -- even though we have previously seen that he can not only utilize the scans he has taken of each Turtle, but also stuff he's scanned BEFORE from various "chop-socky" movies! As I pointed out in my notes about the premise for this episode, this concept REALLY needs more thought.
9.) Re: the following:
"And now Starlee turns to the Turtles, to help her UNPACK her apartment.
Suddenly Don remembers he has to pick up some dry-cleaning, etc. – but they all stay and help.
Mikey tries a signature move to open a box, but ends up knocking a stack of stuff over. Much merriment."
Ugh. A very weak denouement.
-- Pete
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