Saturday, April 21, 2012

Blast from the Past #523: December 19, 2005: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") Outline, and December 22, 2005: Re: 138 and Re: Show 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") Third Draft

Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") Outline
Date: Monday, December 19, 2005 10:05:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 12/16/05 3:16:53 PM, joseph writes:

Hello All,

I hope this letter finds you well! Enclosed, please find an outline 
for Episode #138. Two notes regarding this episode:

1) As a result of a writer dropping out on us late in the schedule, 
this story is pretty hot deadline-wise. It would be greatly 
appreciated if you could turn notes around as quickly as possible so 
that the new writer can jump into his first draft.

2) Specifically for Pete - One of the ideas for doing a wild racing 
episode was to try and connect the Turtles' adventures in 2105 with 
the Planet Racers. In your comments for the premise of this episode 
(which was essentially thrown out except for the idea of the race) 
you said that you didn't want Godman involved in the story. I took 
that to mean THAT particular story, which was certainly problematic. 
This version is much more straight-forward and so I left him in to 
see if it would work better for you. If not, then we can obviously 
take Godman out and eliminate any connection to the Planet Racers, 
but I wanted to give it one more shot.

Thank you all for your kind attention, and I look forward to your 



Much improved! Here are my comments on the Ep. 138 outline.

1.) Re: the following:

"We’re at the starting line for the race at the MEADOWLANDS – which is now a sprawling mega sports complex.  

Cody: “Why do they call this the Meadowlands?  There’s no meadow here.”
Raphael: “Got news fer ya, kid.  Wasn’t one in OUR time either.

Small suggested change to Raph's line as follows:

"Raphael: “Got news fer ya, kid.  Wasn’t much of one in OUR time either.

2.) Re: the following:

"The ANNOUNCER from “Headlock Prime” fills us in on the necessary exposition: the track runs all through the tri-state area, that it’s a no holds barred race whose only limitations are the imaginations of the various experimental vehicle designers.     

THE VEHICLES range from the surreal to the sublime, built to showcase function AND form… 

The race is about to begin.  The guys unveil the HOVERSHELL, tricked out with RACING DECALS and more powerful engines.  Don explains that, in its modified form, the Hovershell won’t be able to fly – but it more than makes up that in speed."

The answer to my question may show up later in this outline, but I'll ask now: Is this a LAND-BASED race (something I would have no problem with)  -- i.e. are ANY of the contestants allowed vehicles that fly? If they are, I don't see the reason for making the Hovershell a grounded vehicle... but maybe it will become clear.

3.) Re: the following:

"Psycho Head (rubbing motor oil on his head): “Motor oil makes great styling gel.”"

No problem with motor oil -- but would axle grease be better/funnier?

4.) Re: the following:

"With some of their brand new gear damaged, the guys think they’re out of the running – and worse, unable to stop Triple Threat – when GODMAN FALCON (the little grease monkey kid) shows up and offers to help – IF they promise to take him along in the race. The guys refuse.  If Don can’t fix this thing NOBODY can.  But in a flash, Godman is rerouting power couplings, using gum and duct tape to repair fusion engines, etc.  "

I don't think it's right to imply that Don can't fix this problem but this kid can... but it would be okay to show that the kid has some real mechanic's chops.
About the issue of whether this should or should not be Godman Falcon as a kid -- I'm torn. It's a cool idea, even though in the previous appearance of Godman and the Planet Racers universe (in the "Across the Universe" episode) I had in my mind that Raph had not just gone into the future, but into a parallel universe to encounter Godman and crew. It could work...
We should get Jim Lawson's okay if we want to go in this direction.

5.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, the race goes on through the NEW JERSEY FIRE PITS – a flaming wasteland of abandoned oil refineries and burning tire mountains that flare up without warning, creating some real hazards for the drivers. "

While this is certainly an interesting visual, I think that in this future we wouldn't have such horrible polluting things. Perhaps we could keep some of the visuals but make them into automated recycling plants instead.

6.) Re: the following:

"KATHUNK!  The TRIPLE TANK locks onto the vehicles with a TRACTOR BEAM!  As the Triple Tank pulls the vehicles back toward it, Triple Threat tosses TINY ROBOTS (about the size of an action figure) onto the outside of each vehicle.  In an instant, the robots burn tiny laser holes in each vehicle, small enough for each bot to leap inside.

INSIDE ONE VEHICLE, the DRIVER laughs at the tiny robot threatening him.  What’s it gonna do?  Nibble my ankle?  

CUT TO OUTSIDE as the Tiny Robots boot the Drivers out of their vehicles and take over the at the wheel."

There is something REALLY out of left field about these action figure-sized robots and their super-strength which really bugs me. Here's an alternative to the super-strength bit: The little robots, after burning their way in, emit a STINK GAS which floods the vehicle and forces the nauseated drivers to bail out.
Hey -- maybe instead of lasers, the little robots dissolve their way in with some kind of fast-acting acid. Maybe these little robots are actually a variant of a mobile chemistry lab -- that could be how they make the stink gas, too. Maybe they are "Roto Rooter"-type sewer cleaning gizmos that Triple Threat has tweaked to his/their own purposes.

7.) Re: the following: 

"Meanwhile, Leo and Mikey fight their way inside the Bot-controlled vehicle that’s carrying them away.  It’s a huge LUXURY COMMAND CRUISER with all the comforts of home inside: reclining seats, entertainment center, fully stocked refreshments.  Mikey can’t resist kicking back, while Leo puts everything he has into trying remove the tiny Bot from the controls.  The Bot proves to be as impossible to stop as the Zuni fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror.  But that’s not gonna stop Leo from trying…  "

As is, Mike's actions here are really silly and beyond the pale, given the context. I could see him getting DISTRACTED by all the goodies as he tries to help Leo, though.

8.) Re: the following:

"He scoops Godman onto the back of the bike and hauls shell for the finish!  In manic anger, TT bears down on Raph inching ever closer when WHAMM! Mikey and Leo slam into him with their Ejector seat! The Triple Tank goes <SWERVING> and finally turning over into a ditch."

Oh, please... the EJECTOR SEAT is now a VEHICLE fast enough and massive enough to catch up to and knock the Triple Tank around? VERY silly.

9.) Re: the following:

"As he’s hoisted up onto the shoulders of adoring fans, Godman looks at the old motorcycle and starts to hatch an idea for the future…

DISSOLVE TO: The future, where Godman Falcon introduces the crowd to the only intergalactic racing circuit featuring 21st century style combustion engines… the Planet Racers!"

While this is a cool bit, I wonder if it is a bit too much -- too obscure to most viewers.

-- Pete


Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory")
Date: Thursday, December 22, 2005 12:55:22 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 12/20/05 2:09:35 PM, Lloyd writes:

Hey Pete -

First, thanks for inviting me to the Mirage Yankee Swap and King Kong
Holiday Hoop-dee-doo!  It was a lot of fun and, as always, it was great
to see you!

Just a reminder: did you get a response from Jim re: the Godman Falcon
connection for TMNT 138.  As you may recall, the Godman Falcon
connection was the initial impetus for the entire episode, so I'd hate
to lose it.

Lemme know.

And Happy Holidays!



Glad you could make it! Yankee Swappin' is fun. I wish I hadn't been so tired after the movie... we could have hung out for a while. But maybe you were beat too.
Here's the word from Jim:

"Hey Man--
It's fine with me if the TV dudes want to use Godman as a character in the show-I'm all for it."

So I guess it's a big "go"!

-- Pete


Subj: Re: Show 137 Third Draft
Date: Thursday, December 22, 2005 4:55:21 PM
From: From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my notes on the Ep. 137 third draft.

1.) Re: the following:

You sure Cody doesn t suspect anything?
Totally clueless. We re meeting at the virtual movies at seven. That ll keep him out of the house until nine. You sure you know how to bake the cake?"

... and also:

"* LEO
Call the Peacekeepers and sit tight, Starlee, we ll be right there.
*CODY (O.S.)
Be right where?
*REVEAL CODY   stepping in, smirking as he tugs at a balloon.
Looks like the party s right here?
*ON THE GUYS   somber, but Mikey tries his best &
Um & Surprise?
Cody, when s the last time you saw Turtle X?"

This is a significant though not HUGE problem, but this sequence of events seems to blow the whole "Cody will be out of the house so we can set up his surprise party" -- yet no one refers to it, and WHY Cody just happens to show up when he does. Though it is not SPECIFICALLY mentioned, I assume that somehow the Turtles and Splinter and Serling waited until Cody left the house and they knew he would be away most of the day (and only supposed to come home AFTER the "virtual movies" he goes to with Starlee)... otherwise they wouldn't try to set up the surprise party. So... why IS Cody home at this hour? Did he get some clue that he was getting a surprise party... and if he did, would he really deliberately RUIN it for the people going to all this effort to put it together for him?
My guess would be that he WOULDN'T deliberately ruin the surprise party... so his reaction to finding the preparations in progress should be something other than "smirking". And it wouldn't hurt to give him some kind of reason for coming home earlier than expected -- maybe he changed his mind about the outfit he was going to wear for his "date" with Starlee, or something.

2.) Re: the following:

"** CODY
(into gauntlet) (Turtle X! Override code: Cowabunga! Override!! This is impossible. I rigged that armor with every kind of security protocol imaginable. Who could ve jacked it?
We ll find out in a second. Turtle X is still at O Neiltech."

I know a lot of people improperly use the phrase "in a second" when they really mean "shortly", but I doubt Don would. So I would suggest that "in a second" be changed to something like "shortly" or "momentarily" or "within minutes".

3.) Re: the following:

"*LEO   DIVES, catching Starlee and rolling as the DESK <CRASHES!>
*Leo gets up and SHE runs past them as--

Get back to the Hovershell!"

Oh, man -- I feel really picky pointing this out, but I also feel compelled to do so: I don't think Leo should be saying "Get back to the Hovershell!" to Starlee, as she didn't COME from the Hovershell... so how can she go BACK to it? Instead, I think Leo should just say "Get to the Hovershell!"

4.) Re: the following:

Enjoying my little   birthday surprise? I know I am. I planned it ages ago &
FROM EP. 126   Darius types at a holo-keyboard, TURTLE X is visible in the BG.
When I discovered your little   toy , I thought it might be useful one day, so I hacked into your computer and obtained your security codes."

Isn't it a little over the top for Darius to say that he planned his "birthday surprise ... AGES AGO"? I thought Turtle X was something Cody built only a few MONTHS previous... which is hardly "ages ago". A simple fix would be to replace "ages" with "months".

5.) Re: the following:

"The holo image of Darius gestures with his battle suit arm.
Now your armor is directly linked to MY own. I can make you do anything...
In a matching gesture, Turtle X pivots its arm around and <BLASTS> back at the Hover Shell behind it.
 &like pillaging the company you stole from me & or destroying everyone and everything you ever cared about."

I think we should add to Darius' last line here something to the effect of "... and the best part is that YOU get blamed for it all!"

6.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON   LEO S GAUNTLET as Starlee UPLOADS the Anti-virus. STREAMS OF DATA fly around the gauntlet. "

Huh?! "STREAMS OF DATA fly around the gauntlet." That's bizarre, if taken literally. How do you SEE uploaded data except on some sort of display?

7.) Re: the following:

Quickly! Let deliver the anti-virus and get Master Cody out of that atrocity!"

Is there a word or two missing from this line?

8.) Re: the following:

<BWOOM!!> The SAIS DETONATE just as Darius pulls them free! He s BLASTED BACK!
ON DARIUS   the suit SPARKING wildly.
The control unit, you idiot!"

Who is Darius speaking to when he says "The control unit, you idiot!"? Why does he say this line?

9.) Re: the following:

"PAN UP - from his chest to find SERLING S HEAD transform into TURTLE X S HEAD!"

What EXACTLY does this mean? Serling's head is pretty small -- how does it transform into Turtle X's head? Or does this mean that Serling's head REPOSITIONS itself to another location on Turtle X's body? I just looked at a color piece of art of Turtle X that I got from you recently, and I see NO way for Serling's head to "transform into TURTLE X S HEAD!" in any way that makes ANY sense...
... which tells me that it is VERY important that somebody start working on a design for this new Serling/Turtle X thing pronto (if they haven't already).

-- Pete

1 comment:

  1. I always assumed that Raph just traveled the universe, not just time. And this was a descendant of the original falcon. but your idea was much cooler and never picked up on it myself ;o)