Monday, April 16, 2012

Blast from the Past #520: December 12, 2005: Re: Show 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") 1st Draft

Subj: Re: Show 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") 1st Draft
Date: Monday, December 12, 2005 3:04:55 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on the Ep. 137 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"PAN AROUND THE ROOM - Splinter wraps PRESENTS, Don <INFLATES> BALLOONS with a futuristic-looking HELIUM TANK."

Maybe it would be cool if Don is using a futuristic balloon-creating gizmo -- I'm seeing a handheld thing with a small (soda can-sized) tank of some kind of gas (helium?) attached, and a smaller reservoir of balloon-making gunk, with a pistol grip and a trigger: when you pull the trigger, the gunk forms into a balloon shape, inflated to whatever size wanted. The device could also create "shaped" balloons, by moving the device around as the trigger is held down. There could even be a color setting knob which could be set to produce whatever color balloon desired.

2.) Re: the following:

This is impossible.  I rigged that armor with every kind of security protocol imaginable.  Who could’ve breached it?  
I could have.
Everybody turns to Serling, looking at him funny.  Serling glares back.  How could they even think that?    
And so could any of YOU. But we didn’t."

This exchange is weird. Are we REALLY supposed to believe that -- even with "every kind of security protocol imaginable" installed by Cody into Turtle X -- it could still be breached by Serling, any one of the Turtles and/or Splinter? That seems bizarre.

3.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X pivots toward the Hover Shell… and suddenly POPS OUT A HUGE ARRAY OF DEADLY WEAPONRY (think Darius’ Battle Suit.  On steroids!) – all aimed at the Hover Shell. "

I trust that this does not mean a "something out of nothing" effect like what Jim Carrey does in "The Mask" -- giant weapons coming out of nowhere, things that couldn't POSSIBLY fit inside the armor as is.

4.) Re: the following:

"The Hover Shell tumbles back toward… an ONCOMING MAG LEV TRAIN!
The Guys react as the Mag Lev Train barrels toward them.

Donnie!  Make like a banana and split! 

The Hover Shell splits at the last second, narrowly missing collision as the oncoming train <WHIZZES> between the two halves.  The “cab” still manages to get <NICKED> by the train and goes <CAREENING> to an ELEVATED ROADWAY for a rough landing."

Leo would not make this stupid gag... and I doubt he would say "Donnie".

And I have to say that it seems bizarre that, instead of just using the whole Hovershell's engines and maneuvering capability to DODGE the train, the Turtles separate the Hovershell into its two parts... which MUST take longer to do than just dodging. I'm not even sure WHY this action (separating the two halves of the Hovershell) has to take place... but if it IS necessary for some plot purpose, it would be smarter, I think, to have the Turtles separate the two pieces of the Hovershell as a TACTIC to battle Turtle X as opposed to a reaction to an oncoming train.

5.) Re: the following:

Then WE’LL just have to give it a DOWNgrade, because…

This "It's ninja time!" bit is getting more than slightly nauseating to me, especially when it is used as a "group battle cry". If we MUST have it here, let's have it said by ONE of the Turtles (like Mike or Raph) as follows:

Then WE’LL just have to give it a DOWNgrade, because…

6.) Re: the following:

"TURTLE X – hoists a HOVER CAR overhead and hurls it at Leonardo,  who whips out his KATANAS and <SLICES> through the center of the car, its two halves <CRASHING> harmlessly to either side of him."

I think if a little thought is given to this action, it should be obvious that it makes no sense, unless Leo's swords also have the power to instantaneously REPEL large masses as they cut through them (something I don't think we have established) -- otherwise he's just going to be hit by two pieces instead of one. And why doesn't he just dodge the hover car instead of turning it into TWO dangerous projectiles instead of one?

7.) Re: the following:

I get it.  Time for Turtles to play “chicken”."

Another dopey non-Leo line stuffed in Leo's mouth. This is much more like something Mike or Raph would say.

8.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X <HEAD BUTTS> Serling, sending him woozily collapsing."

"Woozily collapsing"...? SIlly.

9.) Re: the following:

"SERLING – once again stubbornly/bravely steps up to Turtle X.  
As a fellow machine, surely you can listen to reason."

Unless Serling is a COMPLETE dunce, he has to realize that Turtle X is NOT an independent robot, but rather a piloted robotic exosuit. SO this line is totally lame and silly.

10.) Re: the following:

This is all my fault.  I should have protected Master Cody.
How?  By dusting the lab better?  Face it, dude, you’re a domestic.  Save the heroics for the heroes.
Harsh much, Mikey?
(to Serling)
What he meant was you did everything you could.  Don’t beat yourself up."

"Harsh much, Mikey?" should go... it's lame, slangy and not very Leo-ish.

11.) Re: the following:

"LEO, DON AND MIKEY – whip out their weapons and leap at Turtle X, <SLAMMING> hard into the exo-armor, barely budging it, but forcing it to drop Starlee.  
What’s going on here?!
DONATELLO – grabs Starlee and rushes her toward the LAB."

Starlee's line here is just... nothing. Pointless and more than a little silly.

12.) Re: the following:

Getta loada dis.  The signal stops right in da middle a’ da East River."

And in the middle of battle, Raph cracks and starts talking like a cliched Brooklyn street thug.

13.) Re: the following:

We’re almost done here, guys!  Just hold him off a two more minutes!"

I think that "a" is unnecessary. 

14.) Re: the following:

"RE-ESTABLISH - Turtle X has Leo and Mikey in its clutches, its weapons aimed at them, while Darius has Splinter and Raph in his clutches, his Battle Suits weapons aimed at them.  
Please, Uncle Darius… I don’t want to do this."

Cody's line is odd. HE knows -- as we ALL do, as do all the Turtles, Splinter and Starlee -- that HE is not "doing this"... it's Darius, controlling the Turtle X suit. So I would suggest changing that line to something like "Please, Uncle Darius… don't do this."

15.) Re: the following:

I sent the virus program to our gauntlets.  One of us just needs to get close enough to Cody to upload it into his armor’s operating system."

... because, as we all know, in the future, radio waves are much SHORTER. Dumb! Unless what is meant is that because of Turtle X's security "firewalls", the upload needs to be done with a PHYSICAL connection... and if that is the case, then let's SAY it.

16.) Re: the following:

Don’t worry, Serling.  I’m gonna fix you.  Make you better than ever.  
Please… make me strong… so I can protect you better… "

Two uses of "better" so close together is awkward. Perhaps this small change would be "better":

Don’t worry, Serling.  I’m gonna fix you.  Make you better than ever.  
Please… make me strong… so I can protect as I should… "

17.) I'm not sure if this can or should be worked into the story, but I thought it might make for a fun visual: Perhaps one thing that Cody could do when he is trapped within Turtle X and Darius is "waldoing" Turtle X (i.e. moving his battlesuit's limbs and forcing Turtle X's limbs to follow those movements) is to come up with some software or hardware "hack" that allows him to (if only temporarily) REVERSE that command structure -- so that CODY can use Turtle X's fists to SMASH into itself... with the result on the other end that Darius' battlesuit's fists correspondingly smash into itself, contributing to the disabling of Darius' battlesuit as well as Turtle X.

-- Pete

1 comment:

  1. Hi Peter: How are you?

    Question: Why do you think Leonardo won't call his brother(Donatello) by his nickname (Donnie)?

    It's because of this:

    (Leo): and I doubt he would say "Donnie".

    Remember "Turtles Forever" I catch a mistake in there. When the '80/'90 Leonardo is telling his 2003 counterparts how he and the other turtles got in their dimension, he refers the "80/'90 Donatello as "Don". They never name each other by any nickname, they always have use their full names.