Monday, April 2, 2012

Blast from the Past #509: October 27, 2005: Re: Show 130 ("The Journal") First Draft, and October 28, 2005: Re: Show 132 ("Graduation Day: Class of 2105") Second Draft

Subj: Re: Show 130 ("The Journal") First Draft
Date: Thursday, October 27, 2005 12:52:18 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my notes on the Ep130 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER enters and stands behinds the turtles. CODY JONES is with him and stands slightly behind and beside him. Leo, Raph and Don turn to look back at Splinter. Mike looks up at us.
Master Splinter! Cody!

Would it be funnier if, instead of saying "Busted", Mike did the classic "pass the blame" thing -- i.e. he points to his brothers and says "They made me do it!"?

2.) Re: the following:

More like a jerk-in-a-box."

Minor point -- should this be "jerk-in-THE-box"? I don't think I've ever heard a "jack-in-the-box" called a "jack-in-A-box".

3.) Re: the following:

"WIDE - Michelangelo paces back and forth.

I know that Doctor Malignus is going to defeat Silver Sentry! And I even know how and when it’s gonna happen – tonight!
CLOSE – Mike makes decision.
But Master Splinter has told me not to do anything about it! <beat> But I have to! I can’t let anything bad happen to Silver Sentry! I can’t!"

I need some clarity here. Are we saying that Casey's journal contained a record of how Silver Sentry was defeated by Dr. Malignus... and this is how Mikey has foreknowledge about it... because he read it in the journal BEFORE he and the other Turtles returned from the future?
If so, I think it would be appropriate to somehow indicate that here -- maybe something as simple as having Mike's line read "I know from reading Casey's journal that Doctor Malignus is going to defeat Silver Sentry!"
There is a delicate balance that must be maintained here -- and maybe it is (I haven't read the whole script yet) -- between the journal entries that are being read by Casey and/or April in voiceover which CANNOT reference the fact that the Turtles read the journal in the future, and the action that we see in these scenes which show how the knowledge of the future leads to sorrow for the Turtles, in which the Turtles CAN (and probably should) make reference to what they learned in the future from the journal.
Actually, thinking more about it, maybe I'm wrong -- maybe there should be some indication in one or more of the voiceovers that Casey and/or April KNOW that the Turtles DID read their journal in the future... and they can make note of the fact that the Turtles never shared with them what they had read in the journal about the future.
Whew... my brain hurts.

4.) Re: the following:

You bring shame to the Tribunal, green one, shame!
You dishonor us all!
But Leo is hot! And with several fancy sword moves he disarms the Tribunal Members!
You are also blind, Leonardo.
For it is you who are the traitor!
TIGHT ON LEO face as the reality/horror strikes him."

This works okay... but I wonder if there might be a better, more definitive way to show that Leo has become the "traitor" that he was looking for. Simply disarming the Tribunal members and knocking Karai out doesn't seem bad enough. Perhaps there could be some sacred artifact in the Tribunal's chamber that Leo destroys during his battle with them... and THAT is the thing that brands Leo as the traitor.

-- Pete


Subj: Re: Show 132 ("Graduation Day: Class of 2105") Second Draft
Date: Friday, October 28, 2005 2:22:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my notes on the Ep132 second draft.

This is a fun episode!

1.) Re: the following:

"DON is on the ground, holding the glass of water.  Leo and Raph leap INTO SHOT, arms extended, hands locked, and bend over Don, shellbacks up, protecting him.
'Zup, guys?
Just then the massive boulder SLAMS down onto the two braced-turtle-shell-backs.  With their hands connected, Leo and Raph bend but do not let the boulder quite hit Don."

The "'Zup, guys?" line is a Mike line, NOT a Don line... especially in these circumstances. It's also unnecessary.

2.) Re: the following:

"* DON
I bring you your water, Master -- <BELCH> -- "without a drop of it hitting the floor."
Well done, Donatello.  But what "insight" have you displayed?
Truth is in the details.  You said bring you the water, not what to carry it in.
He looks down to his gut as he hears a sloshing sound (SFX) as Leo and Raph, both a little woozy, join them."

How big was this glass of water? I find the belching and sloshing bits over-the-top.

3.) Re: the following:

"*ON ENTRYWAY - just then the door cycles open and who comes ambling in waaay late for training but MIKEY.  FOLLOW HIM as he eases over to the others."

As I read the above, I wondered if it might be a good idea to set this up a little -- perhaps by having Don, Raph and Leo make some mention during the previous exercise that it would be easier if Mike were with them, as he SHOULD have been. Nothing elaborate -- a simple "This would be a lot easier if Mike were here!" "Where is that nimrod?" "He was supposed to join us on this one..."

4.) Re: the following:


"Shellacious" is not very Don-like. It's also unnecessary.

5.) Re: the following:

"Splinter reaches out his hand toward Mikey.
Hand me your nunchucks."

Would Splinter use the "slang" word (nunchucks) for Mike's weapons, or use the actual word (nunchakus)? I think the latter is more likely, whenever Splinter refers to Mike's weapons (he does it at least once more).

6.) Re: the following:

I separated your nunchucks into THREE PIECES: two sticks and the cable. "

Mike has TWO nunchakus. So what Splinter is really saying here is that he separated ONE of the nunchakus into three pieces. So... maybe instead of missing BOTH nunchakus when he is confronted by Splinter, Mike only has ONE -- the other one is missing.

7.) Re: the following:

"*RAPH AND CODY stand at the rink's edge as Mikey joins them, skating slowly on the ice, carrying a hockey stick. "

I think we should either have Mikey already wearing ice skates here, or be seen putting them on -- otherwise his ability to maneuver on the ice (with bare feet) would seem pretty unrealistic.

8.) Re: the following:

"*MIKEY ducks flat and disappears into his shell as the two over-sized hockey sticks zip just over him.  His head then pops back out and looks back toward the OS robots."

Oh, puke! Not the "head in the shell" gag??!!! DELETE!!!

9.) Re: the following:

It's like they got every game I ever played!
*Don and Cody step INTO SHOT beside Mikey:
We tried.
Yeah.  Even the holodeck has its limits."

Having Cody involved in this part of the training scenario, when he was already part of the previous segment (with Raph), seems superfluous. I think it would work better if it were only Don in this segment.

10.) Re: the following:

So!  Whadda I do to get my 'chuck?  Beat'em all?"

As Mike is actually searching for the third and last PIECE of his nunchaku, maybe he should refer to it (the cable) instead of the whole 'chuk.

11.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER gives a stone-faced reply:
I never joke."

Not to be too much of a "Mr. Literal", but Splinter -- although he doesn't do it a lot -- HAS joked before in previous episodes. So perhaps this line should be tweaked a little bit, perhaps as follows:

"SPLINTER gives a stone-faced reply:
I never joke.
SPLINTER (with a slight hint of a grin)
Well... rarely."

-- Pete

1 comment:

  1. "Would Splinter use the "slang" word (nunchucks) for Mike's weapons, or use the actual word (nunchakus)? I think the latter is more likely, whenever Splinter refers to Mike's weapons (he does it at least once more)".

    According to Wikipedia the word is Nunchaku(without the "s"