Blast from the Past #515: November 19, 2005: Re: Show 135 First Draft, and November 22, 2005: Re: 133 Final

Subj: Re: Show 135 First Draft
Date: Saturday, November 19, 2005 3:04:52 PM
FFrom: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 135 first draft. I think this one came out quite well.


1.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
It’s the semifinals, Mikey, so there’s gonna be traffic, and parking—"

Leo doesn't say "gonna" -- he says "going to".


2.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yeah, I’ll pass."

Don doesn't say "yeah". Perhaps we should replace it here with "Right".


3.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles land their Speeders beside the abandoned Racer.  The area is surrounded by a maze of huge BAGGAGE CARTS and PALATES."

I think that should be "PALLETS", not "PALATES".


4.) Re: the following:

"Ziixx sits at a console, speaking to a HOLOGRAM of a creepy-looking ALIEN named VRYLL.  The mood is conspiratorial."

Is "Vryll" too close to "Viral"?


5.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
The Triceratons are never gonna fall for this.  I got a Plan B..."

Leo doesn't say "gonna" -- he would say "going to".


[[Note from 2012 PL to 2005 PL -- you should also have pointed out that Leo would not have said "I got", but rather "I have". How did you miss that one, ya dope?]]


6.) Re: the following:

"THE HATCH - <HISSES> open... and a group of six very mean-looking TRICERATON THUGS tromp into the hold.  They wear battle armor and brandish huge SPIKED CLUBS.  Very threatening."

It might be cool if these Triceraton gangs had some kind of gang tattoos somewhere on their bodies -- maybe on part of their faces (or their head "frills") like Samoan tribal tats. It would also be cool if we could design a few different ones (to represent different gangs) which we could use if necessary in the future.


7.) Re: the following:

"ZUKKO – sees it.  He draws his BLASTER and takes aim...
BOSS ZUKKO
No you don’t--!
ZIIXX – LASHES out with his whip!
THE WHIP – SLASHES THROUGH the blaster, leaving Zukko holding a sparking nub."

I can't recall if we've ever had Zixx using a weapon like this, but it strikes me that it might be a bit too much of a powerful weapon for him to carry. I find it difficult to imagine a way to defend against it.


8.) Re: the following:

"ZIIXX – sits in the crane’s overhead CONTROL CAB, grinning.
ZIIXX
Like I said: that’s gotta hurt."

It might be cool if here ZIxx AND all of his holograms simultaneously repeat the phrase "that's gotta hurt"... maybe the holograms are starting to fade out as they say it.


9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Yeah?  Get in line."

As Leo doesn't say "yeah", I'd just drop it here.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: 133 Final
Date: Tuesday, November 22, 2005 3:01:25 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep 133 final. It's much improved, but there are still a few things that bug me. Nothing insoluble, though!


1.) Re: the following:

"* POSTMASTER
Of course, sir. You know what they say. Not rain nor sleet nor dark of night! We’ll take care of your delivery—
* THE PACKAGE – is addressed to MICHELANGELO SPLINTERSON, 131 97th st., Penthouse – PUSH IN to find the special instruction in RED – TO BE DELIVERED EXACTLY THE MORNING OF July 10th, 2105.
POSTMASTER
 “To be delivered in 2105?!”"

This bit STILL doesn't work. Maybe it's just me, but as far as I know, the United States Postal Service DOESN'T do this! It's just too freakin' preposterous. 
However, I did think of a solution which would allow for this "late delivery" gag, AND give us a nice guest appearance. Here's my idea: Because Don knows that a descendant of the Silver Sentry lives in Cody's era in the future (it's Silver Sentry's grandson who has taken on the "Turtle Titan" identity), Don could go to the Silver Sentry and ask him to do this delivery thing... and if HE can't do it, have one of his descendants do it. That way, we could have a cool little scene in the future where the new Turtle Titan shows up at Cody's penthouse with the letter.
In fact, the whole opening bit could be scenes of Turtle Titan desperately trying to get the letter delivered on time -- dodging all kinds of perils on his way to Cody's penthouse... and when he finally gets there, you could keep the bit where Serling accepts the letter and then dismisses the letter carrier imperiously (I think that part is pretty funny).
Hmm... reading further into the script, I see that the Don and Splinter thing appears to happen at a time BEFORE the Turtles met the Silver Sentry, so the only way my suggestion would work is if (a) they appeared at a time AFTER they met the Silver Sentry (though that would blow the bit with them seeing the truck and the canister of ooze, etc.) or (b) AFTER they see the truck/canister/ooze thing, they experience ANOTHER time shift and are thrown 16 or 17 years into the future, to a time after they met the Sentry... and THAT'S when they give him the letter.


2.) Re: the following:

"ACROSS - RAPHAEL <POWERS UP HIS SAIS> and THROWS THEM BOTH.
RAPH
Hold your ears!
MIKEY
But we don’t have—
THE SAIS - <DETONATE> near the DINOSAURS, blasting them back—
INTO THE RIFT. As they fall, it <SEALS BACK UP!>"

I've never been a big fan of Raph's "detonating sais", and here's another example of why. I think that rather that "exploding" with enough force to HURL huge dinosaurs, it might make a lot more sense if their "detonation" startles the dinos and HERDS them back into the rift.


3.) Re: the following:

"RAPH
“Dear Mikey and Raph, the good news is, you didn’t get lost in time like the rest of us. The bad news is, You’re the only ones who can bring us home—YEOWWW!
SERLING <POPS> an ARROW from Raph’s back."

I don't think Raph would yell in pain -- the arrows are only is his SHELL, after all.


4.) The stuff with the Shredder is cool, though I am a bit concerned with how it might affect continuity. Perhaps a tiny bit could be put in to show that when the Shredder and his Foot get back to their time, they quickly forget about what just happened. Yeah, I know that's kind of lame, but maybe it's an artifact of going back and forth in time... or something...


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: 131 3rd draft
Date: Tuesday, November 22, 2005 3:22:40 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep131 third draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"** DON
Mikey, you wanna do the honors? Just give the thought--"

Don says "Want to", not "Wanna".


2.) Re: the following:

"** MIKEY
Don’t you know NOT to be rude to NPCS in an adventure game?!"

Is NPCS some kind of gaming jargon? What the heck does it mean? Perhaps it would be a good idea to make this more clear.


3.) Re: the following:

"* DON
We must have landed inside another one of the game programs."

In this context, would "levels" be more appropriate than "programs"?


4.) Re: the following:

"THE EDGE OF THE SWAMP – Where Leo lands just short of the WATER. The edge of his MASK dips in and <SIZZLES>.
* LEO
Now I really wish I’d paid less attention in training and played more games!"

I'd cut this line as it is COMPLETELY unlike Leo, plus it's superfluous.


5.) Re: the following:

"**VIRAL
begin batch download—dissecting files for transfer!"

A minor point -- but maybe "decompiling" (a computer term) would be preferable to "dissecting" here.


6.) Re: the following:

"** DON
Giving new dimension to the term “Butler,” Serling. Nice. "

I don't have a huge objection to Don saying this, but it really does seem more like a Mikey line.


7.) I actually laughed out loud at the revised ending to this episode. Good work!


-- Pete