Monday, January 30, 2012

Blast from the Past #464: March 12, 2005: comments on Ep. 113 ("New World Order, Part 2") second draft and comments on Ep. 112 ("New World Order, Part 1") second draft

Subj:  comments on Ep. 113 ("New World Order, Part 2") second draft
Date:  Saturday, March 12, 2005 4:30:56 PM
From:  Peter Laird
To:    Lloyd Goldfine


       Here are my comments on the Ep. 113 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

The Tribunal trained us to prepare for the very worst.  But the thing about the very worst is…you can’t possibly be prepared for it. "

I think I understand what the writer is trying to do here, but this seems very silly and self-contradictory to me. First Leo says that the Tribunal trained them to prepare for the very worst -- but then he says that such training is impossible! Which is it? Here's an alternative:

The Tribunal trained us to prepare for the very worst.  But I'm not sure even they could have anticipated THIS. "

2.) Re: the following:

WIDE – Karai faces off against the Shredder and the five Foot Mystics that stand beside him."

I'm confused. At the end of the last episode, weren't the Mystics advancing on the Turtles, while Karai faced the Shredder?

3.) Re: the following:

"*WIDE – Karai LEAPS to the air and takes form for a JUMP KICK.  It looks as though she’s about to soar over the Turtles, but instead, she barrels down on them, STRIKING Mikey with a KICK.  He falls to the ground.
CLOSE ON MIKEY – completely bewildered, he looks up to Karai. 
Uh, ya missed the Shredder…
*WIDE – Karai WHIPS the SPIKED TALISMAN CHAIN at Leo, Raph, and Don’s feet.  It LASHES the ground and with that same PURPLE FLASH they all find themselves on the floor with Mikey.
Uh, ya missed again!
ON KARAI – she sneers at the Turtles.
Do not try to win favor with me.  I will avenge my father and destroy you once I am finished with them!"

You know, I'm all for Karai being strong and self-confident, but she (or rather the writer) is starting to push the envelope towards silliness. I mean, consider the situation -- Karai has just seen this resurrected Shredder wipe out everything sent against him -- multiple Shrednaughts, Foot Tech ninjas, Shredder Elite Ninjas, and so on -- and she should look on the Turtles' arrival as AT LEAST a diversion for her foe which might allow her to get an effective hit in. Instead, she foolishly and unstrategically lashes out at the Turtles! I understand that they are "on her list" -- she wants to get them back for what she thinks they did to her "father" -- but it really seems stupid to me that she would waste time and energy lashing out at the Turtles at this moment.

4.) Re: the following:

Have you not yet realized?
Without you, we could never have freed the Shredder.
For it was you…that freed us! 
ON THE FOOT MYSTICS – each of their ELEMENTAL POWERS suddenly SWIRL around them, TRANSFORMING them into their past forms.
CLOSE ON LEO – his eyes widen with the horrible realization.
When you took that crystal?"

Why is Earth saying that last line like a question rather than a statement?

5.) Re: the following:

"*ON MIKEY – his AMULET and MYSTIC MARKINGS are shining brightly as he uses his MULTIPLYING skills to play hide and seek with Mystic Air and Mystic Fire.  To start off, he’s perched on top the end of an altar.   
Up high!
*Mystic Fire shoots a STREAM OF FIRE at Mikey but it goes right through him and lights the table on fire.  Now, another Mikey appears under the table, too, only at the other end."

"Multiplying skills"?

6.) Re: the following:

It was just a matter of creating an special chemical elixir that could polarize the Arcanian flux of the--"

Minor point, but it should be "a special" and not "an special".

7.) Whew! Anyone complaining that this series lacks enough action should just shut the heck up after this episode!

-- Pete


Subj:  comments on Ep. 112 ("New World Order, Part 1") second draft
Date:  Saturday, March 12, 2005 4:31:47 PM
From:  Peter Laird
To:    Lloyd Goldfine


I just found when I logged on just now that there was a "final" of 112 sent to me yesterday, but thought I should send this along, even if some of these things have already been addressed.

comments on Ep. 112 script second draft

1.) Re: the following:

Yeah, that was my dream.  And then, she was at the mercy of the Shredder!
ON DONNY, cautiously adding to the narrative.
I saw that, too! And then New York was transformed into a horror show!
ON MIKE, starting to realize how weird this all is.
Yeah! And then the Shredder himself was there, acting all “King of the World”! "

Maybe it's the timing -- I'm reading this a week before the Donatello "alternate universe ruled by the Shredder" episode is scheduled to air -- but it occurred to me that it might be cool (albeit not vital) to have Don reference, very briefly, his experience in that dreadful world in this scene... maybe make a comparison of that other universe and his dream here.

2.) Re: the following:

"*ON DONNY’S HAND as it PUNCHES a BUTTON on the dash.
Don’t be a backseat turtle, Mikey!
*ON THE TAXI as its TIRES SWIVEL and become bases for HYDRAULIC LEGS that lift the TAXI itself ten feet above the ground.
*WIDEN and FOLLOW the TAXI as it advances on its HYDRAULIC LEGS toward TWO CARS that are TANGLED TOGETHER."

Hmmm... I think I liked "stealth mode" better than this -- and I wasn't too crazy about "stealth mode". This is skirting dangerously close to the edge of total silliness. Maybe it can be saved in the design stage, with a really cool design, but right now it reminds me of the old cartoon show.

3.) Re: the following:

"*KARAI and SHREDDER move toward each other.  Shredder’s hand glows with DARK MYSTIC ENERGY.  KARAI rears back with her GAUNTLET-CLAW, preparing to strike a blow.
*ON the Turtles, weapons raised, as MYSTICS advance on them.
Don’t confront the Shredder, huh?
No problem.  We’ll be dead before we can get to him.

Those last two lines from Raph and Leo are pretty weak, not to mention that they make little sense. 

-- Pete

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