Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Blast from the Past #451: December 13, 2004: comments on Ep. 103 ("Good Genes" part 2) "final" and notes on Ep. 104 ("Ninja Tribunal")second draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 103 ("Good Genes" part 2) "final"
Date: Monday, December 13, 2004 2:35:10 PM

From:  Peter Laird
To:    Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on the Ep. 103 "final".

1.) Apparently I missed a BIG revision in the previous draft. The whole Casey/April attacking the power substation bit is really dopey -- there is no logical reason given why April has to send Casey in dressed as a janitor (she can't look like a janitor? Riiiight...) so that he can insert a disk (??!!). Why doesn't she do it remotely, via some online connection? And then to have Casey act like an idiot and just start throwing things around and just by sheer happenstance his doing so causes the power to get shut down... groan.
Not to mention the fact that we have one of our "heroes" basically beating up on (to the point of unconciousness!) some innocent city employee! What's up with that?
I also find the entry by the Turtles through the fire chute/laser tunnel very uninteresting. And what happened to the cool bit of Raph commandeering a Shrednaught? That was one of the best parts of the previous draft as far as I'm concerned.

2.) Re: the following:

(to the Elite)
They must not leave!  Do you hear me!?  Cut off their thieving hands and bring them to me!"

The "cut off their thieving hands" bit is a little over the top. And it's not entirely clear what she's saying -- does she want the Turtles' hands? The Turtles' themselves? Or the relic? I'd lose it.

-- Pete


Subj: notes on Ep. 104  ("Ninja Tribunal") second draft
Date: Monday, December 13, 2004 3:05:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on the Ep. 104 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

Women and children and bonehead’s first."

This line is just as dumb and poorly punctuated as it was in the first draft. As I suggested in my last notes, let's lose it.

2.) Re: the following:

You guys feel that … or a vibration …?
…like electricity or something …
… or a vibration …"

I think the "or a vibration" phrase in Don's line is a mistake, seeing as grammatically it makes little sense, and Leo ALSO says it.

3.) Re: the following:

"DOWN ANGLE ON – DONATELLO’S FACE as his eyes open and he sits up with a start …
Raph?  Leonardo?!"

As I commented in my previous notes: "Why does Don use Leo's full name here, but not Raphael's? Seems odd. I think under these circumstances he'd say "Leo"."

4.) Re: the following:

"WIDER TO INCLUDE - The turtles stare at the now open door.
Ooo-kay.  Freaky weirdness, anyone?"

As I commented in my previous notes: "This might work better if we add one word:

Ooo-kay.  More freaky weirdness, anyone?""

5.) Re: the following:

Who are you?"

As I commented in my previous notes: "It might be fun if -- right after Ken says "Who are you?" -- one of the other humans says (more softly, perhaps almost muttering) "WHAT are you?" I suggest this because they seem to take the appearance of four humanoid Turtles in stride."

6.) Re: the following:

"*PUSH IN DRAMATICALLY on the FOUR SHREDDERS as they stand!  (NOTE: This is THE NINJA TRIBUNAL all dressed in their Shredder Armor.  They are differentiated for the moment by: BLUE EYES, GREEN EYES, SILVER EYES and YELLOW EYES).  They wear long, flowing cloaks with velvet-lined cowls (thrown back)."

There is something really visually silly about people in armor -- with armored Shredder-style helmets -- wearing "flowing cloaks with velvet-lined cowls". Why on Earth would they need COWLS?

7.) Re: the following:

What are we going to do, Leo?  This doesn’t look good."

As I commented in my previous notes: "Don saying "What are we going to do, Leo?" makes him sound kind of lame. I'd take that out and just leave the "This doesn't look good.""

8.) Re: the following:

I agree. If we are going down …
Let’s go down swinging!  <BATTLE CRY!>"

I'm not entirely sure why, but Leo's use of the word "swinging" here seems really funny to me. I think another word or phrase would be better -- "fighting" or "in battle". I also question the use of the phrase "Let's go down" -- given that Ken uses "going down" in the previous line, it seems a bit repetitive. I would suggest changing Leo's line as follows:

 Let's fall in battle!  <BATTLE CRY!>"

-- Pete

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