Thursday, January 12, 2012

Blast from the Past #454: January 8, 2005: Re: Design from show 94, January 14, 2005: Re: FW: Ep 106 First Draft, and January 21, 2005: Re: Outline 109 and Ep. 106 second draft

Subj: Re: Design from show 94
Date: Saturday, January 8, 2005 10:23:27 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Jonathan

In a message dated 1/7/05 3:26:29 PM, Jonathan writes:

 How are you?
 Attached is the following design from show 94 for your approval:
1. Splinter’s New Walking Stick (gift from Leo from the Ancient Lands)

 Peter, in addition to your approval, we would like to know if this is the walking stick that Splinter should use from now on. 


I like this design, but I'd like to offer a suggestion for a slight alteration. In the attached file, you will see that I have tweaked the spiral ridge a bit to form a "cap" at the bottom of the staff, and a slightly more ornate design at the top. I've also done some quick color studies to try to get a better idea of whether this staff should be all wood, or if part of it (logically the spiral ridge) should be a different material, most likely metal. (In this rough, I used colors to suggest gold or copper, but it could be steel or iron or another metal.)

-- Peter


Subj: Re: FW: Ep 106 First Draft
Date: Friday, January 14, 2005 11:08:34 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on the Ep. 106 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

The future is as mist, Chikara… cut by a blood red light smoldering in the darkness…
ECU on KON’S EYES, which swirl with SHADOWS.
The wretched one. Soon, he will come."

I like "the wretched one", but it might be cool to have other designations for the original Shredder to use as we see fit -- i.e. "Life Bane" or "Soul Chopper".

2.) Re: the following:

"To reveal RAPHAEL and JOI in a full run towards us.
Thought you were tough, Raph. You run like a girl. I should know.
Ooh. Never heard that one before… Actually, I haven’t!"

I don't get what Raph is saying here -- seems a bit awkward and forced. And Joi's "run like a girl" makes NO sense in this context -- I mean, SHE is a girl, and she's either keeping up with Raph or about to beat him... so "running like a girl" is obviously not a bad thing. I think this exchange needs to be rethought. Maybe she should say "You run like a turtle" (implying slow) and Raph could say  "Well, DUH!"
Or not.

3.) Re: the following:

Hope it’s not Juto. “Your lack of skill and stank breath make me wretch!”
(puffing out his belly)
Or—Check it, Hisomi Shisho, the Ninja who ate Japan!"

It should be "retch", not "wretch". And I think "rank breath" is better than "stank breath".
And how does Mike "puff out his belly"? He's got a SHELL, remember.

4.) Re: the following:

If you do not close your mouth, your eyes will be unable to hear."

Eyes hearing? Is this a mistake, or a deliberate oxymoron?

5.) Re: the following:

Silent. Stealthy… Sassy? Oh boy…"

I don't get the "Sassy?" bit.

6.) Re: the following:

You move as a herd of pregnant Yaks. Line up for INSPECTION!"

I wonder if "pregnant" will get past Standards and Practices. Maybe "overfed" or "gluttonous" or "drunken" would work as well.

7.) Re: the following:

Gotta be a mix up, Leo. Well work it out. Promise."

Don doesn't say "gotta", and "well" should be "we'll". Maybe this should be a Mike or Raph line.

8.) Re: the following:

Are they ready? The dark one’s minions are poised to claim our prize. Demons.
ON - DONNY raises his finger timidly.
Excuse me? Did you say “Demons?” Maybe we should let master Splinter know."

Having the word "demons" hanging out at the end of Chikara's lines seems odd, weirdly placed. Perhaps it would be better as follows:

Are they ready? The dark one’s demon minions are poised to claim our prize."

9.) Re: the following:

"WIDE SHOT – The KAPPAS go to town on our team, TWO for every one! <LEAPING AND SLASHING> the demons clearly have the ability to magically TRAVEL THROUGH the water at will!"

This could be a very cool thing, visually. I wonder if the Kappa should also be able to stand on top of the water without sinking if they so choose.

10.) Re: the following:

I really wish we read the manual for these things!"

I think this would work better if Don said:

I really wish we could have read the manuals for these things!"

11.) Re: the following:

Normally I like to know how this stuff works…but ignorance kicks butt!"

I think I understand what the writer is trying to do here, but for some reason hearing Don say "ignorance kicks butt" really grates on me.

  -- Pete


Subj: Re: Outline 109 and Ep. 106 second draft
Date: Friday, January 21, 2005 8:53:38 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Here are my comments on the Ep. 109 outline

1.) Re: the following:

"Hisomi leads the group down a corridor no one remembers ever seeing before. There he reveals a hidden doorway that opens only at his touch. It almost gasps as hot fetid air washes over them. "

I'm confused -- "It almost gasps..."? Does that mean that the DOOR is gasping? Seems weird. Or is this a typo?

2.) Re: the following:

"The guys all agree that something isn’t right here. Mikey tries to get a message to Hisomi at super-speed, and is shocked when his enigmatic teacher actually replies! 

“Without heart, power is but wind and thunder.” (I thought it would be cool if Mikey gets a few words out of Hisomi just before all hell breaks loose. Almost as if Hisomi knows something bad is about to happen, and breaks his own silence to hand Mikey important wisdom.)"

I'm not sure I love the idea of Hisomi speaking. It strips him of his essential mystery, and -- from what I see here -- for no especially significant reason.

2.) Re: the following:

"Using the helm and the gauntlet, the MYSTICS call to the third and final prize they seek.  The ground shakes and one of the crypts explodes open.  An ornately carved stone SARCOPHAGUS floats out and the Mystics proclaim victory.  

The terrifying visage of the SPLINTER is carved into the sarcophagus! (Or the BLACK DRAGON?)"

Should that be "the SHREDDER" and not "the SPLINTER"?

3.) If I am reading the end of this outline correctly, it appears that the four human acolytes have perished in this battle with the mystics. If that is true, I wonder if it would be cool to use one of the following concepts:

-- At some point in an upcoming episode, the Foot Mystics call the spirits of the human Acolytes from the Land of the Dead to do battle with their former friends and allies, the Turtles!

-- At a crux point in some upcoming battle, the spirits of the four human Acolytes come back from the Land of the Dead to offer aid to the embattled Turtles!


comments on Ep. 106 second draft

1.) Re: the following:

If you do not close your mouth, your eyes will be unable to hear."

This line still seems nonsensical to me.

-- Pete

1 comment:

  1. Ok I am a big enough geek that I could "see" most of these scenes playing out in my mind as they happened! LOL How fun to revisit much-loved episodes, but to see them from "behind the scenes" so to speak as the process of editing unfolds.

    I'm so glad the acolytes didn't die... It was dramatic and engaging as it was, and it was cool to see Raphael soften, just a little, and make a friend, especially a kick-butt gal like Joi. She is one of my all time favorite characters because there was no... idk flirty-ness about her, I guess. She was just self confident and ok with who she was, and I loved that about her.

    The TMNT have always had the best girl characters, from April on ward. Just hoping the new series doesn't change that tradition... April as a teenager, bah. :-p

    Anyway, thanks for sharing, this is fascinating from a fan's (and a writer's) pov. :)

    PS Splinter's walking stick was a work of art. Loved it. :)