Blast from the Past #457: February 3, 2005: comments on Ep. 109 ("Beginning of the End") first draft and comments on Ep. 107 ("Legend of the Five Dragons") second draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 109 ("Beginning of the End") first draft
Date: Thursday, February 3, 2005 9:48:58 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 109 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:


"PROFILE – Raph (BG) shoots a shy glance at Joi (FG).
RAPHAEL
Joi… give any thought to what you’re gonna do after we kick shell and plant Shredder back in the ground?
JOI
Careful, you’ll jinx it… but no, why?
RAPH
Just that you haven’t seen Manhattan ‘til you seen it with a turtle.
JOI smiles, joined by a very relieved Raphael.
JOI
Let’s save the world first, tough guy."


There seems to be a subtext to this scene that I'm not getting. Why is Raph "shy"? Why is he "relieved"? I hope this isn't another "Turtle has a crush on human" things.


2.) Re: the following:


"MICHELANGELO
The tribunal ever gets strapped for cash, you could make boku bucks charging admission to this ride."


Is "boku" supposed to be "beaucoup"?


3.) Re: the following:


"RAPHAEL
Knew that rat was a real rat…"


This is a very weak and goofy line -- I'd lose it.


4.) Re: the following:


"ACROSS THE CHAMBER – ON BAKU’S BACK, Mikey’s still hanging on when Hisomi appears next to him in a flash! They nod to one another, powering up—
MULTIPLE MIKEYS AND HISOMIS go to town on Baku! Baku bucks wildly, <HOWLING>—"


What exactly is going on here? Are there really "multiple Mikeys", which would be really silly and as far as I know has no precedent, or are he and Hisomi just moving so fast that it APPEARS to be multiple Mikeys? And if so, how does that jive with this following line:


"Mikey pulls himself together, joined by Don, Adam, and Tora. Adam trades Mikey the helm for the Sarcophagus."


I refer of course to the part where Mikey "pulls himself together".


5.) Re: the following:


"INT. ORATORY. MOMENTS LATER
The grand doors fly open as Donny and Raph <KICK> them off their hinges. Despite the display of power, everyone skids to a halt…"


Kicking the doors off their hinges seems pointlessly destructive.


-- Pete




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Subj: comments on Ep. 107  ("Legend of the Five Dragons") second draft
Date: Thursday, February 3, 2005 10:51:07 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 107 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:


"*LEONARDO
Oh, right. No zappy stuff for me.
*The other three come running up to Leo.
*MICHELANGELO
Dude—you saved the whole place from burning down—without any zappy stuff! 
*LEONARDO
We’re going to need zappy stuff and anything else we can come up with if the Shredder is really coming back!"


I think one use of the goofy phrase "zappy stuff" is more than enough.


2.) Re: the following:


"ON SPLINTER, sad and angry. A tear trails down his furry cheek.
SPLINTER (CONT’D)
Had the Tribunal heeded Yoshi…my master would be alive today. "


I suggest a small word change -- "might" instead of "would".


3.) Re: the following:


"CLOSER IN as we reveal the FIVE SUITS OF ARMOR suspended from wires in the ceiling. They look very much like what we have come to know as THE SHREDDER’S ARMOR.
SPLINTER (VO)
The empire’s greatest craftsmen had forged armor for the warriors…
EXT. – COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
In roughly the same spots on screen AS THE ARMORS IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE, we see the five ARMORED WARRIORS riding atop horses, galloping toward us.
SPLINTER (VO, CONT’D)
…armor they would soon wear into battle against the evil Tengu."


I wonder if it might help to add a little bit here in the narration which tells how in addition to being created by the greatest armorers, these suits of armor also had spells woven into them, or engraved on them, or said over them as they were being constructed, to give them a little more power to resist the might of the Tengu.


4.) Re: the following:


"*SPLINTER (VO. CONT’D)
He had to be contained? But how?"


No question mark is needed at the end of "He had to be contained".


5.) Re: the following:


"INT. – MONASTERY CHAMBER - NIGHT
The Four Dragons (helmets off) pass a goblet among themselves. Each takes a drink from it.  
On KON, serious.
*KON
Shredder’s evil will never die. This potion will allow us to live forever. Vigilance will be our eternal burden."


It seems a bit facile that just a potion will make them immortal -- I wonder if it might work better if we imply that other efforts are necessary to grant them this extended life span, like certain spells, meditation, etc.. 


6.) Re: the following:


"*DONATELLO
So the Utrom-bug Shredder we fought was a cheezy wannabe compared to the original who’s trying to make a comeback."


The goofy slang in this line makes it sound more like Mike than Don.

-- Pete