Blast from the Past #418: August 2, 2004: notes on Ep. 85 ("A Wing and a Prayer") second draft

Subj: notes on Ep. 85 second draft
Date: Monday, August 2, 2004 12:28:57 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 85 second draft.


1.) Here's something from my first set of comments which still, unfortunately, applies to this draft of the script:


"Then this is followed by this other goofy bit:


"NEW LOW ANGLE - Master Splinter suddenly leaps up on the back of the couch behind Raptarr and jabs him in the shoulder with the index and middle finger of each hand.  Raptarr sits up in shock.
RAPTARR
Ahhh!
CLOSER – Splinter twists his fingers on the spots on Raptarr’s shoulder and back, then he pulls away.
WIDER – Splinter jumps down from the couch.  
SPLINTER
That was ancient ninja remedy.  Pressure points that will redirect the flow of chi to remove pain.
Raptarr stand up and stretches out his wing.  He doesn’t wince."


Why is Splinter LEAPING? It makes no sense in context. And why is he talking like a stereotypical English-challenged Asian ("That was ancient ninja remedy")? But most of all, why bother with the splinting and bandaging if all Splinter has to do is poke Raptarr in the shoulder with his fingers and it's all better??!! Dopey."

2.) Re: the following:

"*RAPTARR
Wait.  This place! It is of Y’lantian design.  Are you Y’lantian creations?
*WIDER ANGLE – to include turtles and Splinter.
*DONATELLO
No, our story’s kinda complicated.  We found this place … and made it our home.  But you … you’re an Avian?
*RAPTARR
Yes.  My name is Raptarr, an Avian created by the Y’lantians."

Don's line "But you... you're an Avian?" makes a couple of leaps that I think are made too quickly here, and Raptarr's response is too flat (and literally WRONG, unless we are saying that Raptarr is one of the ORIGINAL Avians, which doesn't seem right). And I was right about the spelling -- it is Y'Lyntian, NOT Y'Lantian (see Ep. 68).I think something like this would work better:

"*DONATELLO
No, our story’s kinda complicated.  We found this place … and made it our home.  But... how do you know about the Y'Lyntians?
*RAPTARR
 My name is Raptarr. I am an Avian -- and long ago, the Y'Lyntians created my people."


3.) Re: the following:

"*RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
When we gained our freedom, my ancestors took shards of the Y’lantians’ crystal. 
INT. AVIAN CRYSTAL CHAMBER – AVIAN CITY - DAY
CLOSE ON - LARGE GLOWING <HUMMING> CRYSTAL ORB made from crystal shards.  PULL BACK AT DOWNWARD ANGLE - the orb hovers between three twenty-foot tall, wing-shaped arcs, with tall obelisk perches sit between them.  NINE ENERGY BEAMS shoot from the orb into the arcs.  WIDEN - This set up is inside a large circular chamber (with decorative wall) with a domed roof with a hole in the top to let in the sun and huge arched doors.
*RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
With these remnants they constructed a new crystal orb, powerful enough to keep aloft the magnificent city they built…
EXT. BLUE SKY WITH FLUFFY WHITE CLOUDS - DAY
*UP ANGLE – Clouds in the FG part to reveal the floating AVIAN CITY, A CLUSTER OF MAGNIFICENT TOWERS AND SKYWALKS BUILT AROUND A RING, A HALF-SPHERE, AND WITH A ENTRANCE TUNNEL THROUGH THE BOTTOM.  Avians fly around it and into the city.  "

There's something odd to me about this scenario. The way it is presented here, the Avians seemingly took pieces of the crystal and flew away from sinking Y'Lyntias... and then some time later they built their floating city. It strikes me that unless they already HAD some kind of floating living area to begin with (as I suggested in my last set of notes) and on which to build, it would be very odd for them to get this idea to build a city in the clouds. Wouldn't it make more sense that they would try to find the high places in the mountains or great forests, and make their "nests" there? I'm having a hard time trying to envision HOW the Avians made their cloud city -- did they build it on the ground, and then install the crystal and made it float? Seems unlikely. Did they build it AROUND the crystal as it hovered in the air, hauling pieces of stone up from the surface? Seems REALLY unlikely. It seems a lot more likely (at least to me) that they originally lived in some kind of floating environment and when they broke from Y'Lyntias, that environment served as the basis for what became over time their magnificent floating city.

4.) Sorry to repeat myself, but because the section of the script in question shows no changes, here is what I said last time:

"Re: the following:


"MED SHOT ON MEPHOS AN RAPTARR – Mephos pushes Raptarr back. At the last second, Raptarr spins them so Mephos hits spikes.  TRUCK OUT as Mephos hangs from the spikes by his wings, screaming in anguish and anger.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
INT. AVIAN TUNNEL ENTRANCE – DAY
DOWN SHOT - Mephos (with only stubs for wings) falls AWAY FROM CAM down the tunnel to Earth, his face twisted, screaming.
RAPTARR (V.O. CONT’D)
Mephos was beaten, his wings lost and he was exiled to the world below.  But I felt he was not gone forever. "

This is all very murky. What exactly happened to Mephos' wings? Did they get torn off in the battle? Did the other Avians remove them as punishment? What about the other Avians who sided with Mephos -- were they punished similarly? And why is Mephos shown FALLING to Earth with no wings -- wouldn't that likely kill him? I think it probably makes sense that both Mephos and his allies would be punished and exiled -- wingless -- to the surface. It might also then be cool if Mephos was the only one of this group to survive exile, mainly due to the inner strength fueled by his hatred of the Avians who cast him out.
Also, I need to get a handle on WHEN this all happened. How long-lived are the Avians? Did this happen millennia/centuries/decades ago?"


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I hope these diadems work.
RAPHAEL
What happens if they don’t?
CLOSER – <WIND> The crystal in the diadem SHIMMERS. Raptarr smiles and points the way OS.
RAPTARR
We will be incinerated by the city’s force shield."

"Force shield"??? Where did that come from? I don't recall that from any past discussions. And it's not even necessary, and kind of goes against the whole idea behind the diadems, which is that they give you the power to SEE the floating city. How about the following change:

"DONATELLO
I hope these diadems work.
RAPHAEL
What happens if they don’t?
CLOSER – <WIND> The crystal in the diadem SHIMMERS. Raptarr smiles and points the way OS.
RAPTARR
If they do not work, we will not be able to see the city -- and we will either fly right BY it... or crash right INTO it at flying speed."

6.)  Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES – Mikey and Don horror stricken. Leo and Raph grim.  Raptarr looking mad as hell."

Once more -- "Horror stricken"...? Seems a bit much.


7.) Re: the following:

"*OLD AVIAN’S POV – TRUCK IN ON DOUBLE DOORS - <THUD – THUD> (BEAT)  Mephos wing tips pierce each side of the double doors.  <CLANK - CLANK>  The doors are <RIPPED> off and hurled back behind him by his metal wings, revealing Mephos and five Avian guards."

This is still in the script and it's STILL lame. If Mephos' wings have THAT kind of power, he should have little problem wiping the floor with Raptarr.

8.) Re: the following:

"Mephos starts to beat his wings creating tremendous <WINDS> inside the chamber.
ANGLE ON LEO AND RAPH – TRACK them as they are buffeted by the hurricane wind, they tumble through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beams.
MED ON RAPTARR – TRACK them as they are buffeted by the hurricane wind he tumbles through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beam.
DOWN ANGLE ON MIKE AND DON – buffeted by the hurricane wind they tumble through the air, fighting it, narrowly missing the beams.
WIDE ANGLE – as the beams burn and blast the walls and the heroes are tossed in the hurricane winds."

So we get rid of the goofy "hurricane winds" bit from earlier in the script -- only to have it reappear in quadruplicate here? Oh my god...


9.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON MEPHOS – He slowly raises his head, looks around and screams when he realizes… PULL BACK.
MEPHOS
Nooooooooooooooooo!
…his wings are still welded the section of the decorative chamber wall that has been cut out and propped up against the cell wall.  His arms and legs are also shackled to the section of wall.  "

This is STILL in the script, and it's STILL idiotic. We are asked to believe that the other Avians would, rather than simply cut Mephos' melted metal wings off of his body and throw him in the prison, they actually CUT OUT A WHOLE SECTION OF THE CHAMBER WALL AND THROW THAT IN PRISON! The mind boggles...


-- Pete