Thursday, October 27, 2011
Blast from the Past #428: September 8, 2004: comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") first draft
Subj: comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") first draft
Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2004 12:54:29 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Here are my comments on Ep. 92 first draft.
1.) Re: the following:
"INT. TURTLE’S LAIR – DEEP UNDERGROUND – CONT’D
ON - MICHELANGELO. Mikey is on a couch reading a comic book. The title of the comic book is: Toxic Zombie Monkey. In the background we hear the sounds of blade striking blade and then hear Splinter sounding concerned. Upon hearing this statement of Leo’s Mikey looks up from his reading and cocks an arched eyebrow and points his eyes in the direction of the O.C. statement (but without turning his head).
Even the unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear."
Two things here. FIrst, what "statement of Leo's" is Mikey hearing? His voiceover from the preview? That would be very weird. I don't see any other statement from Leo. Maybe something is missing.
Second, Splinter's line doesn't need the "even", because as far as I know, it's ONLY unopened bottles that burst under too much internal pressure. So I would take out "even".
2.) Re: the following:
That is especially true for we five. We are family. Family, my son… family. We must be open with one another…."
Repeating the word family three times in two lines is a bit much. I would just take out that "Family, my son... family" line.
3.) Re: the following:
He is an ancient, wise, skilled and learned master who rarely takes on new pupils. He is the sensei to my sensei, Hamato Yoshi. "
Would it make more sense/read better if "is" was changed to "was" in this line as follows:
"He was the sensei to my sensei, Hamato Yoshi."
4.) This is not absolutely necessary, but I thought it might be cool if, when Leo is getting ready to leave on his journey, he is also given an old trench coat and hat (much like Raph had in the first TMNT movie and how we have sometimes disguised the Turtles in the comics) -- and maybe this gift should come from April and/or Casey (I was thinking that is would be nice to have them in this scene).
Another idea -- which might be handy to cut down on the amount of time we need to show Leo sneaking his way halfway across the planet, along with all the niggling and problematic issues of HOW he is able to do this without being caught -- would be as follows: Instead of Mikey giving Leo a graphic novel (not that that's a bad idea), he waits until everybody else has given their gifts and then he reveals his -- he asks Leo to follow him up to roof level, and suddenly SIlver Sentry arrives! Mike's gift to Leo is to have Silver Sentry fly him to Asia (not all the way to the land of the Ancient One, but at least to that continent).
5.) Re: the following:
"SPLINTER (V.O. – FADING OUT)
... where you must pass through “the snowmen’s notch.” "
Because of the way the Yeti "snowmen" guards are written (which I like), I wonder if it might be fun -- and at this point kind of weird and mysterious -- to add one word to Splinter's line as follows:
"SPLINTER (V.O. – FADING OUT)
... where you must pass through “the laughing snowmen’s notch.” "
6.) Given that "the Stinky One" farts a lot, I wonder if we could work one of our favorite phrases for farts -- "The Evil Wind" -- into some of his lines. (Reading further, I see that is IS mentioned at least once.)
7.) Re: the following:
I have some dried fruit, some peanut butter, chocolate—
THE STINKY ONE
Chocolate?! Gimme chocolate! Gimme now!"
When I read these lines, I immediately thought of the classic ad campaign for Reese's peanut butter candies -- remember the "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" "You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!"? -- and thought it might be fun for Stinky to demand both Leo's peanut butter and chocolate, mash them together into a disgusting mess, gobble it down, then sigh contentedly and say something like "Ahh... peanut butter AND chocolate...!"
8.) Re: the following:
Jeez! You’re unbelievable!
CUT to show Leonardo and the Stinky One seated on the ground around a small campfire. The campfire is the only source of light, giving us stark moody flickering lighting. The area around them, here at the base of the rock formation, is sandy.
THE STINKY ONE
You a talking green monkey frog and you call me unbelievable. You stupid.
Turtle. I’m a turtle, not a frog."
Two things. First, would Leo say "Jeez!"? (A corruption of "Jesus" as we all know.) I think it would work fine without it.
Second, when Leo says that he's a turtle, not a frog, maybe he should also say "And I'm not a monkey, either."