Blast from the Past #425: August 24, 2004: comments on Ep. 90 ("All Hallows Thieves") first draft, and August 31, 2004: Re: TMNT - 91 ("Samurai Tourist") 1st draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 90 ("All Hallows Thieves") first draft
Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2004 12:19:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments (not many) on Ep. 90 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL (V.O.) CONT.
A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and hero’s and get free candy."

Minor point, but "hero's" should be spelled "heroes" here.


2.) Re: the following:

"They stop quickly on the tips of their feet (Like a character running up to the edge of a cliff) looking at the chaos all around them."

Another minor point -- I don't know why, exactly, but this line stopped me when I read it. I think it's probably because it has the whiff of "cartoon physics", and trying to visualize what this would look like, I think the Turtles would look really silly stopping "quickly on the tips of their feet (Like a character running up to the edge of a cliff)". I don't see the point of this specific direction -- I mean, they run out a building and stop short. Do we need more than that? Or maybe I'm being too literal.


3.) Re: the following:

"Just then, like a linebacker sacking a quarterback, Raphael rushes in from off screen tackling the large beasts around the waste."

That should be "waist", not "waste".


4.) There seems to be a comma deficit in this script, especially in lines of dialogue, but rather than waste time pointing out each example, I'll assume that the voice actors will know when to pause when they deliver their lines.


FYI, I haven't gotten anything new from 4Kids in the last few days.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT - 91 ("Samurai Tourist") 1st draft
Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:50:00 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 91 first draft, a very fun episode.


1.) Re: the following:

"USAGI
The path we walk in life is different for each of us."

There's something odd about the grammar in this line. I would suggest changing it to read as follows:

"USAGI
The paths we walk in life are different for each of us."

2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON A LIT CANDLE as it crosses into and out of the frame – the candle is suspended from a swinging rope.  As it comes back into frame like a pendulum, a KATANA slices through the frame, cutting the wick and extinguishing the flame."

I like the general idea of this, but I'm wondering how, practically speaking, this can be done. How is the candle oriented -- vertically or horizontally? How is it attached to a swinging rope so that its wick can be sliced off without the rope also being cut? Maybe there is a simple solution to this design problem that I can't see for some reason. Anyway, maybe instead of a rope, the candle could be on a candleholder attached to a pole which is spring-mounted to the floor, so that when released it would bob and weave erratically.
And reading on, I just realized that there are MORE candles on ropes. Hmmm...

3.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (OC)
I’d be training, too, but, you know… it’s comic book day."

A small change -- but maybe Mike should say:

"MICHELANGELO (OC)
I’d be training, too, but, you know… it’s new comic book day."

4.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Maybe YOU need your butt kicked too, jarhead."

Because "jarhead" is usually used specifically in reference to a Marine or someone who looks like one (i.e. close-cropped, buzz-cut hair), maybe "bonehead" would be more appropriate here.


5.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (OC)
I think all of you should just lay off the poor guy… it ain’t easy bein’ Leo."

I think Mike would not use "ain't" or "bein'" here -- they are more Raph-type words -- so his line should read as follows:

MICHELANGELO (OC)
I think all of you should just lay off the poor guy… it's not easy being Leo.

6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be up so early after last night.  Up for some sparring?"

Rather than use "up" twice in such close proximity, perhaps it would be better like this:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be awake so early after last night.  Up for some sparring?"

7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be up so early after last night.  Up for some sparring?


ON USAGI – he smiles.
USAGI
I am surprised you are able to lift your swords, Leonardo-san… you seem to be carrying such a large weight since last we met.


CLOSE ON LEO, his expression dark.
LEONARDO
Someone has to carry it."

I know what is being attempted here, and it is necessary, but this line of Usagi's is kind of awkward. The connection between the weight of his katanas and the weight of responsibility doesn't really work, to my way of thinking.  I would eliminate it, and restructure this scene perhaps as follows:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be awake so early after last night.


ON USAGI – he smiles.
USAGI
I wanted to speak with you alone, Leonardo-san.  It seems to me that since we last met, you have chosen to shoulder an oppressive burden...


CLOSE ON LEO, his expression dark.
LEONARDO
Someone has to carry it.


ON USAGI – he looks up at Leo, taking in that comment.  


LEO
Up for some sparring?


After a moment, Usagi rises and draws his katana."

8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
…and there was nothing I could do.  Master Splinter was burned… The Shredder broke Raph’s back… Mikey’s legs… Don’s arm… all I could do was watch."

I'm a little confused. When did the Shredder do all this to the other Turtles? I don't recall this litany of injuries. 


9.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
We should have explained the dangers of our world to Gennosuke more clearly…  He is in grave danger!"

Using the word "danger" twice in one line bugs me, and saying that Gen IS in "grave danger" seems a bit much -- I mean, he COULD be, but why would Splinter think he DEFINITELY is? Maybe it should read as follows:

"SPLINTER
We should have explained the dangers of our world to Gennosuke more clearly…  He could find himself in grave peril!"

10.) Maybe Casey should wave a hot dog at Gen to help induce him to get on the motorcycle.


11.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE – CAMERA TRACKS TWO IRON SPIKES/SHURIKEN IN FLIGHT
ON MIKEY – his hands on the rails of the ladder.
MICHELANGELO
Oh, right.  Sorry, I-
<THOK!> <THOK!>  The iron spikes dig into the brick rooftop, right where the ladder is attached to the brick.  Surprised, Mikey looks down at the spikes - and ladder SEPARATES from the wall.  Still holding on, Mikey and Raph begin falling back. "

If I'm reading this right, Kojima's spikes/shurikens have just cut away a metal ladder from a brick wall. Does that sound silly to anyone else? Maybe it would be a little more believable if Kojima threw some kind of grappling hook and line and pulled the ladder (perhaps old and rusty already) from the wall.

12.) Re: the following:

"USAGI
Leonardo… Tread carefully.  Kojima is a legend on my world… an assassin and weaponsmaster without equal. "

It's a small point, but I think "IN my world" would be better thatn "ON my world".


13.) Re: the following:

"ON LEO – katana in hand, he PUNCHES INTO CAMERA, using the handle of his blade like brass knuckles."

I confess to being baffled as to how Leo can use "the handle of his blade like brass knuckles", as brass knuckles go OUTSIDE the user's fingers/fist, not INSIDE, as the handle of the sword would have to be. Unless I'm missing something.




-- Pete