Blast from the Past #581: June 4, 2002: Re: FW: TMNT Vehicles, and Re: Opening of TMNT 4 (Casey Jones) plus b.g. art, June 5, 2002: Re: Script #2, notes on second episode script, and more on script for Episode 2

Subj: Re: FW: TMNT Vehicles
Date: Tuesday, June 4, 2002 10:32:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 6/3/02 3:02:41 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Guys -

Here are some toy designs from Playmates Toys.  They want to know how close
or how far they are from what we're doing.

I think that their Armored Vehicle isn't too bad, though I think we want
ours to be slicker, more "aerodynamically altered, slightly more dangerous
looking (as opposed to their rounded feel), and we talked about adding an
extra set of wheels to the back.

Their cycle looks rugged, but that's about it.  We're not going to be adding
cute little turtle motifs to our stuff.  Also, the whole bike needs to feel
more "kluged together" from different pieces that weren't originally made to
go together.

The SewerSled they came up with might be a nice base for us to build on.  It
needs room in the back for cargo (or for a second turtle to hop on), and if
we stick with the idea that it rides the sewer walls, we also need to add
wheeled suspension arms.  And again, it should look like it's made from
disparate pieces.

That's it from me!

LLoyd >>

Lloyd,

I pretty much agree with your comments here. The armored car design looks a lot like what we had come up with during the design process when we were working on the proposed CGI show.

As for the Sewer Cycle and the Sewer Sled, the basic designs I think are pretty neat, though I agree with you that for the show, we should drop the "turtleistic" stuff like the shell-patterned gas tanks, etc. (I do like the headlights that echo the classic TMNT "grin", though.) 

Extra seating space for the Sewer Sled could be simply achieved, I think, by making the saddle a dual rather than a solo one, and you could add cargo space just by extending the rear end by pushing the motor section further back. (Of course, we have to watch how LONG this thing gets. Would it make ANY sense for the Sewer Sled to have some kind of flexibility/hinge in the middle to give it more versatility in maneuvering through tight turns in the sewers?)

These designs could be pretty easily "reverse-engineered" to look more like they're made from found pieces, for the look we want in the show.

--Pete

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Subj: Re: Opening of TMNT 4 (Casey Jones) plus b.g. art
Date: Tuesday, June 4, 2002 10:51:25 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 6/3/02 10:40:46 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< HI Pete –

Here’s a quick question (hoping for a quick reply before our writer goes too
far):

Could Raph lose his temper and hurt Mike as a result of sewer-skateboarding
hi-jinx, or do you think it works better as a sparring thing gone out of
control?

Lemme know,

LLoyd >>

Lloyd,

I like the sparring thing better, but maybe the skateboard thing could work -- I just have nothing to judge that by right now.

--Peter

P.S. By the way, I like the background art that you guys just sent us. Cool!

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Subj: Re: Script #2
Date: Wednesday, June 5, 2002 12:14:47 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Gary Richardson

In a message dated 6/3/02 6:25:15 PM, Gary writes:

<< Also, in scripts 2 and 3 I have a couple of times been confused regarding
whether the turtles or a turtle in a particular scene are wearing their
bandanas.  I think the writers need to do a better job of noting this stage
of dress, and my feeling is that the Turtles should generally wear their
bandanas and only occasionally should one or more of them be "naked".  What
do you think about this issue.

Later, Gary. >>

Gary, 

I agree that more attention should be paid to this. One of the things I hope to do in the comic is to get the turtles out of their costumes/gear when it is appropriate (I mean, really, they can't wear that stuff ALL the time!). When the Turtles are really kicking back in the lair (i.e. taking a bath or shower, eating meals, watching TV, etc.), they should probably NOT have their bandannas on.

--Pete

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Subj: notes on second episode script  (1488-002)
Date: Wednesday, June 5, 2002 12:18:48 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

In general I am pleased with the script for episode 1488-002, "A Better Mousetrap". Of course, I have some comments!

1.) Pg.4: "Sensei" is misspelled as "Sansei" here and in a couple of other places in the script.

2.) Pg. 5: Of the turtles, Don and Leo use the least slang. Thus, I think Don would say "What's the matter, Mikey" instead of "'smatter, Mikey?" "'smatter" sounds more Raph-like.

3.) Pg. 6: This has bothered me for a while. How quickly, exactly, does Don "whip up" the Sewer Sled (which, rough as it is, is still a pretty substantial and complicated piece of machinery)? The way he says "I whipped up a little something to help 'em haul more stuff back from the old lair" makes it sound pretty casual and quick... and haven't they been in the new lair just a few days? Would it make more sense to change this line to indicate that instead of just "whipping " something up from scratch, he has actually just FINISHED an old project which was almost completed?

4.) Pgs. 7-8: At the bottom of page 7, in Splinter's line, "dissect" is misspelled as "disect". However, I really don't like this line of his or the following one on page 8... they don't sound Splinter-like to me. I would lose them.

5.) Pg.10: Why would Don called the Mousers "killer toasters"? Aside from the fact that they are mechanical, there's nothing remotely toaster-like about them. I suggest finding another euphemism.

6.) Pg. 11: At the bottom of the page, between the words "about" and "have" there seems to be something missing in the line "Only about have the windows display any data."

6.) Pg. 16: The Shredder calls Stockman "Dr. Baxter".

7.) Pg. 17: Raph calling Leo "brown-nose" in this context bothered me... I suggest finding another name for Raph to call him.

Mike's "Check out the big brain on Donnie Boy!" line is extraneous and kind of lame -- I'd lose it.

Leo lets Mike and Don go, whereas he had tried to stop Raph. What is up with that? It does seem kind of weird that he's so opposed to Raph leaving that he's willing to fight him, but Don and Mike come up and he not only blithely lets them go, but goes with them. Something else is needed here.

8.) Pg. 19: The "loogie swallowing" bit made me ill. Plus, another "toaster" reference!

9.) Pg. 20: Instead of "the dude in red and blue tights", can we just say "Spider-Man"? "Too" is misspelled in the next line.

On this page, the Mouser just suddenly starts chomping after Don has said he fixed it so it couldn't. What happened to the jolt of electricity thing (from the third rail) which scrambles the mouser's programming that had been discussed earlier?

10.) Pg. 23: I like the fact that the Turtles are wearing and using their "climbing claws", but it seems REALLY implausible that they could use them to crawl along the tunnel ceiling.

11.) Pgs. 26-27: There is still some confusion in this subway car(s) scene. How fast are these cars going? If the Mouser can be said to have "clawed onto the last car", it would seem they were moving at a snail's pace. Yet earlier on the page, a car "speeds past" the Turtles. How exactly does the Mouser get on the car? Does it leap onto the car, clinging on with its claws? I  still kind of like my idea that it walks up the subway tunnel wall and drops down like a spider onto the top of the car.

12.) Pg. 28: "How'm I gonna" just sounds too slangy and "street" for April. She doesn't talk like Raph.

13.) Pgs. 29-32: Something weird happened here to make the meeting of April and the Turtles, when they save her from the Mousers, strangely anticlimactic. Why do they save her, then she runs off without really seeing them, then they fight some more with the Mousers, then April stumbles upon the Turtles? Very clunky. It seems a simple matter to rearrange the action so it is not only less awkward and more exciting but closer to the original "classic" meeting. 

And Leo's "We can help you, ma'am." line is truly gack-worthy! I'd lose it.

All in all, I think this one only needs small changes to make it ready to go.

-- Peter

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Subj: more on script for Episode 2
Date: Wednesday, June 5, 2002 10:20:28 PM
From: From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I got a little confused here and didn't get to see Gary's comments before I sent you mine, and I thought I'd pass along several that I thought made some good sense -- I'll just copy and paste, below, the places where Gary made changes in boldface within the script. And just in case the boldface doesn't survive its translation from MS Word to AOL's email format, I will put brackets [  ] around Gary's comments.

--Pete

on page 3

DONATELLO (V.O.)
He may not look like much, but this tin toy can chomp his way through steel and concrete like a stale rice cake. [(Alt. Like Michelangelo though a pizza, or like something through something.)]

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on page 6

RAPHAEL
When I find out who built those home-wreckin' robo-rats… [(Alt. robo-roaches)]{I think Gary's correct in pointing out here the oddness of calling the Mousers "rats" when that is in fact what they hunt and what Splinter is. -- PL}

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on page 23

APRIL
I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.  [(This line doesn’t seem quite right for the context, but I don’t have a suggestion at the moment.)]{I agree to some extent... also, it's SUCH a cliche line nowadays. -- PL}

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