Blast from the Past #595: October 10, 2002: comments on TMNT17 second draft and TMNT #16 second draft, October 13, 2002: Re: TMNT - Script 15 - Final and Outline 19, October 17, 2002: Re: Models, and October 22, 2002: Re: TMNT - Outlines and 1st Draft

Subj: comments on TMNT17 second draft and TMNT #16 second draft
Date: Thursday, October 10, 2002 10:49:11 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are some comments:

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TMNT17 2nd draft -- Overall, very cool! I especially liked the mysterious and dangerous appearance of the Shredder Elite.

1.) Pg. 7: I don't get Raph's "You want to see a real hero on a halfshell?" line -- it doesn't seem to connect to anything.

2.) Pg. 8: Mike's "Leo's engaged?" bit is stupid. Also, immediately following, "You're" should be spelled "Your" in Raph's line (although we may not need that line anyway). And in Don's last line I think he would say "going to" instead of "gonna".

3.) Pg. 11: The bit about Raph not being able to pick up pieces of china without further breaking them in his "stubby fingers" seems very silly to me.

4.) Pg. 12: Suggest changing April's line at the top of the page to "It's tough with six... uh... people in a one-person apartment."
Also, when Splinter tells April they will leave when they find out why the Foot are in the sewers, he should probably also say that they will leave when the Foot are no longer IN the sewers. (Just knowing WHY they're there isn't really enough, after all.)

5.) Pg. 14: "Crouch" in line 2 should be "crouching".

6.) Pg. 19: "Amphibian" should be changed to "reptilian" in Raph's line.

7.) Pg. 20: "Be" should be "but" in Raph's line "No offense, April, be we really need to get back to the lair."
Also, in Splinter's line which follows, I'd insert an "at" so it reads "He will walk in the doorway at any moment."

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TMNT #16 second draft

1.) Pg. 2: I'd change "we saw" to "we'd seen" in Mike's last line.

2.) Pg. 5: Question -- are we getting too much pizza in this show? Should we perhaps have them order something different, like Chinese food, spaghetti and meatballs, submarine sandwiches, etc.? 
The bit with Mikey hiding under the table and the teddy bear is almost EXACTLY like a scene in the first TMNT movie. Should we be concerned?

3.) Pg. 20: Near the bottom of the page -- "Donatello comes LEAPS into FRAME..." I think the "comes" is not needed.

4.) Pg. 30: Something should be said on this page about the "Creep Trapper" filling up with monsters, thus rendering it no longer useful in repelling the attack.

That's all for now!

--Peter

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Subj: Re: TMNT - Script 15 - Final and Outline 19
Date: Sunday, October 13, 2002 10:20:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I'm glad you were able to make the changes to the end of TMNT episode 15 (re: the fate of the transformed humans) -- it works much better now, I think.

I only have a few comments about the outline for episode 9 ("Tales Of Leo"):

1.) Pg.1: At the bottom of the page -- the Turtles, Splinter, April and Casey have gotten to the farmhouse, and "Don suggests they head into town and pick up some supplies..." Which "they" is being referred to here? I assume it's Casey and April, and not any of the Turtles.

2.) Pg. 2: The scene where Don is menaced by the "Battle-Bots" while chained to a wall had me thinking of the very similar scene in the "Fallen Angel" episode, where it was Casey in that position. I wonder if it might be better to make it a little more different, perhaps like this: Instead of being chained to a wall, Don is chained or tied to a generic "Battle Bot" mobile platform, only this one is unarmed. It can only move at random through the arena, giving the other 'bots a moving target (and the crowd more entertainment)... and Don does all he can to dodge/evade the swinging buzzsaws, spikes, etc. while still shackled to the unarmed 'bot.

3.) Pg. 6: Should April get involved with the attempt to save Casey from the icy pond waters?

I'm hoping that we can get in some authentic Northampton scenery in this episode. That would be cool! 

--Peter

        P.S. The profile for show 14 seems fine to me.

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Subj: Re: Models
Date: Thursday, October 17, 2002 2:37:03 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 10/16/02 3:50:09 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Hi Pete!

Please send me your comments on the following models:

* revised Underground City>>

     Okay.

<<* Warrior Leader>>

     My only complaint about this guy is the enormous spike on his shoulder armor which looks like if he raised his arm, he'd poke a big hole in his head. I did a quick tweak on it which I will attach.

<<* Warrior #2
* Warrior #3
* Warrior #4>>

       All fine... like the Kirbyesque style. Actually, the only SMALL comment I would make on these is that one of them (can't remember which one) has a big sword, and I was wondering if we should keep these guys without cutting/edged weapons. Perhaps a pair of short staves (similar to the Filipino "escrima" fighting sticks), done in a Kirbyesque way?

* Dark Force Creature #1 - Version #1
* Dark Force Creature #1 - Version #2
* Dark Force Creature #2 - Version #1
* Dark Force Creature #2 - Version #2>>

     Mostly very cool -- loving those Kirbyesque critters! -- but I'm not crazy about the forehead deco on Creature #2/V2. I've done a quick tweak with a few suggestions and am attaching it.

<<I'm currently working up a final draft of "Kirby," and I'm asking for
another outline on "Tales of Leo.">>

I look forward to them!

--Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT - Outlines and 1st Draft
Date: Tuesday, October 22, 2002 1:08:58 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 10/21/02 11:10:00 AM, George at 4Kids writes:

<< Good morning, all.
Attached, please find the 1st draft of episode 018, the revised outline for
episode 019 and the outline for episode 020.  Please forward your comments.
Thank you.
George >>

I don't have much to say about these -- they're all quite good!

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TMNT Episode 18 first draft:

1.) Pg. 10: I would eliminate Splinter's "Enough of this nonsense!" line -- seems inappropriate.

2.) Pg. 24: Raph's line "Sorry Master Splinter. From where I stand, there's no other way." confuses me. Why is he saying this?

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TMNT Episode 19 revised outline:

1.) Pg. 1: I believe the actual model of car Casey has in the original comics was a '57 Chevy, not a Caddie.

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TMNT Episode 20 outline:

1.) Pg. 2: Does the "monster "hurl" or "kick" the log at Dr. Finn and Steve?

2.) Pg. 5: I think it's unnecessary -- and possibly provocative -- for Casey to make up that silly story about raising turtles... he should just say something like his shotgun-wielding grandpa doesn't like strangers, if he wants to keep Dr. Finn and Steve away from the house.

3.) Pgs. 5, 7, 10-11: I like the scenes of Raph and Leo making the swords, but -- keeping in mind we don't want to spend TOO much time on it -- it might be cool to enhance them with some details of actual sword-making (one detail which comes to mind is the classic bit where the hot blade is plunged into the "quench" or water trough, raising a huge cloud of steam. Also, what about showing a bit of how Leo makes the hilts of his swords?

4.) Pg. 8: I'm confused by Casey's response to Donatello's comment about science being "a celebration of life" ("What are you talking about? Aren't you the guys that keep yourself hidden away safe from some mad scientist's dissecting knife?"). What is he trying to say here?

5.) Pg. 14, 15: The "turning" of Dr. Finn by Mike's speech seems way too quick and pat for me -- I'm not at all convinced that she would completely change her personality just because of this. What if we do something different, like this: Get Casey involved, in a goofy monster costume -- he steps out from behind a tree, and laughs at Dr. Finn, jeering at her for falling for his local monster scam ("You probably believe that crop circles are made by aliens, too!"). April is with him, videotaping the whole thing ("The local news will eat this up!"). Humiliated, Dr. Finn takes off.

That's all from me!

--Peter