Blast from the Past #559: January 23, 2008: Re: TMNT162SuperQuestDr1, January 24, 2008: Re: TMNT165SideKickinItOUT, and January 25, 2008: Re: TMNT160IdentityCrisisDr3 and Re: TMNT159INT-6 FINAL

Subj: Re:   TMNT162SuperQuestDr1
Date: Wednesday, January 23, 2008 11:24:29 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 162 Superquest first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"DON
There. Our cyber portal is now hooked up with SuperQuest! It should digitize us into general cyberspace, then beam us directly into the cyber game world. 
LEO
Sounds dangerous.
DON
It is. 
Leo and Raph react - CONCERNED. Mike turns to them… “GRAVE”."

Leo's "Sounds dangerous" line seems odd to me. I don't get what is more dangerous about THIS excursion into cyberspace than any of their other jaunts.


2.) Re: the following:

" THE ELFINATOR
Outta my way, newbies! Hahaha! Pwnd!"

I can't wait to hear a voice actor trying to pronounce "Pwnd"!


3.) Re: the following:

"MIKEY
To Castle Cretin – QUICKLY!!!!!
Everybody – including MIKEY! He runs off, armor <clanging> - leaving his brothers behind! Don moves to follow, adding… 
 DON (TO LEO AND RAPH)
Believe me, if there was any other way…
He runs off! Leo and Raph exchange why us? glances - and RUN!"

Although it is not absolutely necessary, it might be a good idea to throw in a line or two about WHY the Turtles don't use their Cyber-Vehicles (I can't remember the name for them, offhand) to get around in this game.


4.) Re: the following:

" DON 
<TO MIKE> We have to win the second Quest!  If we lose the second key – we’ll lose our chance to save Splinter!"

Are we saying that these particular data bits that they are questing for are the KEY data bits, without which Splinter can't be recovered? That seems a bit much. I suggest a small tweak as follows:


" DON 
<TO MIKE> We have to win the second Quest!  If we lose the second key – we’ll lose our chance to save those Splinter data bits!"


5.) Re: the following:

"LEO: deflects the arrows with katana swords!
 LEO
That all you got - Newbie?!"

"That all you got" sounds a bit too slangy for Leo. I'd lose this line, as it really isn't necessary.


6.) Re: the following:

"THE GAMER: shakes… rattles… then <EXPLODES> FROM THE INSIDE OUT! Pixels, chunks of armor and binary code fly toward cam and disperse.  And as they fade away and the dust settles…
INT. A LITTLE GIRL’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Reveal a PIGTAILED LITTLE GIRL w/humongous braces, glaring at computer screen with red-faced anger, boiling with rage until:   
 PIGTAILED LITTLE GIRL
<pounds keyboard!> DRATS!>>

After I read this scene, it occurred to me that it might be fun if instead of just some generic kid, the "real world" side of the Ultimate Gamer was a recognizable character, perhaps from another animated show (my first thought was Bart Simpson yelling "Ay Caramba!" or something). Obviously, there would be rights issues to deal with, but it could be cool to do this kind of surprise.


-- Peter

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Subj: Re: TMNT165SideKickinItOUT
Date: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:25:15 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 165 outline Sidekickin' It


I feel that I SHOULD like this outline, given that it brings back the Justice Force and has Mike doing some more Turtle Titan stuff and so forth... but it just doesn't feel right somehow.
Part of it is the sudden intrusion of the superheroes into the Turtles' business -- as far as I can recall, we've never had the Justice Force involved with fighting the Foot before. Not that that is necessarily a bad idea... it just seems odd that they would be doing so now.
But the biggest problem, I think, is what motivates Raph to join the Justice Force as "Tortoise Boy" -- I just don't see WHY he would do so. other than to serve the comic nature of this outline.


Another problem is that even given Raph's hotheaded nature, I don't really buy that he would go off after the Shredder all by himself. I mean, he's not stupid -- he should realize that going after the Shredder alone is a recipe for disaster. 
Perhaps, if -- as shown in the opening scenes -- Raph is "pacing" and "antsy" and wanting to see some action, and Leo forbids him to go after the Shredder and the Foot on his own, Raph could grudgingly agree and promise Leo that he won't go try to fight the Foot and the Shredder by himself. But when Leo leaves with Don to go into cyberspace, Raph could grin and say to Mike "I promised Leo that I wouldn't go after the Shredder and the Foot... but that doesn't mean I can't go pound on some OTHER bad guys!" This might be a better way to get them involved with the Justice Force, in a story which doesn't get the super heroes involved with the Shredder and the Foot.


I'm not loving this outline. I think it has some potential, but it's really not working for me as is.


-- Peter

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Subj: Re:   TMNT160IdentityCrisisDr3
Date: Friday, January 25, 2008 11:27:41 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 160 "Identity Crisis" third draft


I have no comments -- other than to say that I think this latest version works very well. Good job!


-- Peter

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Subj: Re: TMNT159INT-6 FINAL
Date: Friday, January 25, 2008 11:35:48 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

I have only one comment on this one, re: the following:

"* KHAN stands before dozens of FOOT CLAN NINJAS.


KHAN (ROUSING SPEECH)
Tonight we attack! Tonight New York is ours! Tonight we-


* The CAMERA SHAKES. <DEEP RUMBLING>.


* KHAN (CONFUSED)
Huh?"

Khan's "Huh?" sounds wrong... too dumb/thuggish. I would suggest "What?".


-- Peter

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Subj: Re:   TMNT161WebWranglersDr2
Date: Sunday, January 27, 2008 12:09:40 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 161 Web Wranglers second daft


1.) Re: the following:

"INT. CEREMONIAL CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
*A window into cyberspace opens inside the PHYSICAL COUNTERPART: and <ZAPT!> out comes – an alternate SECOND KHAN – identical to the real Khan in every detail.  Both Khans see each other and:
 *BOTH KHANS 
<GASP!>
*But the real Khan’s eyes go cold with contempt.  He gestures.  Foot Ninjas drop down from above. They grab the second Khan and drag him, kicking and screaming, from the chamber.
 *SECOND KHAN 
<Being dragged> What?! No! What are you doing?! I… am… Master… Khaaaaaaaan! <Once O.S.: TERRIBLE SCREAMS OF AGONY!>
 *CYBER SHREDDER (HOLOGRAM)
The portal works, Khan! You saw? It took a copy of a man and gave him life!  Converted to the finest detail! <Beat> Prepare your men. The Shredder RETURNS!"

There's something odd about this scene. Isn't Master Khan supposed to be this almost unbeatable super-duper ninja master that even all four Turtles working together have trouble defeating? If so, how is it likely or possible that when this duplicate Master Khan comes out of the portal, he is easily dragged "kicking and screaming" from the room by a few Foot ninjas? The obvious implication is that the portal doesn't work properly yet (it created an inferior copy of Khan), and if so, why would the Shredder deem it ready for him to use?


2.) Re: the following:

" *DON (O.S.)
That’s why this non-mutated chipmunk is bad.  It means his portal is operational.  The Shredder is coming out; and he’s coming out REAL!"

I think it would be more appropriate to say that the Shredder's portal is "FULLY operational" -- I mean, it had already been "operational" enough to send all those mutated critters into the real world.


3.) Re: the following:

"*MIKEY (O.S.)
Dudes, who said we have to stop him?  What if we like stop his portal instead? 
*Leo, Don and Raph turn to see Mikey standing beside the MOUSE CREATURE still suspended in STASIS.  Mikey smiles with hope.
*MIKEY  
You know, mess it all up again?  So when he ports out, he ports out not so real. <Points> You know, like this guy!"

This needs to be made less confusing. It should be made clear that they are talking about the "software" portal -- the one in cyberspace -- NOT the physical portal in the real world.


4.) Re: the following:

"INT. FOOT HEADQUARTERS – CEREMONIAL CHAMBER – CONTINUOUS
*TRACK: A scarlet carpet unfurling, creating a path to alter.  *REVEAL: Inside the COUNTERPART atop the alter… a WINDOW INTO CYBERSPACE is starting to form.  More than that: a faint image of the Shredder flickers in-and-out within. 
*REVERSE: three men in scarlet hooded robes and holding flickering candles, walk along the carpet to the alter. They place the candles around the window and kneel in supplication.
 CENTER ROBED MAN
The moment is at hand.  We, his servants, kneel before the resurrection of our master, The Shredder."

This ceremony with the candles and scarlet robes seems wacky. I mean -- what's the point? This isn't a mystic or religious ritual.


5.) Re: the following:

"*Don turns & steps to… the CYBER PORTAL.  Mike looks on – tense.
*DON
Amazing!  His portal is exactly like ours - only virtual.  Still, it must have a physical anchor in reality to convert data into matt—-"

I don't see what is so "amazing" to Don. And it's not "exactly like ours - only virtual"... any portal in cyberspace is by definition "virtual". Here's a suggestion for tweaking these lines:


""*Don turns & steps to… the CYBER PORTAL.  Mike looks on – tense.
*DON
Interesting... his virtual portal is almost exactly like ours.  Still, it must have a physical anchor in reality to convert data into matt—-"


6.) Re: the following:

"*PORTAL COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
UPLOADING OF SHREDDER FILE: 97% COMPLETE. MATTER CONVERSION TO COMMENCE IN 2 MINUTES, 59 SECONDS… 58… 57… 56…
Mikey looks back at The Shredder preparing to join the fun!  
 *MIKEY
Dude, we have no time!!!!!"

No, they have 56 seconds... and a lot can happen in that amount of time. It might be more appropriate for Mikey to say "We're almost out of time!"


7.) Re: the following:

"FOOT SOLDIERS
<RUNNING CHARGING SCREAM!!!!!>
 LEO AND RAPH
<HOLY CRAP TYPE SCREAM!!!!!!!>"

"HOLY CRAP TYPE SCREAM"? WTF???!!


8.) Re: the following:

"*DON
Interfacing with this portal is complex!  It’s not like I can have at it with a screwdriver!  I need to find the right tool!  I—<STOPS SCROLLING, EYES GO WIDE> Wait! I’m the right tool! 
*MIKEY
Uh… whatcha talkin’ ‘bout, Don?
*DON
The rules of reality don’t apply here, remember? I’m going to reset the portal from the inside out.  It’s virtual?  Well, so am I!  
On that: Don dissolves, from head to foot, into swirls of 1s & 0s… that spiral into a life-sized double helix of DNA… break down… and drift like “smoke” into the “machinery” of the portal. "

and also this:

"<ZAP!> Two digital SENTRIES – beams of crackling energy in the vague shape of men – form on either side of the portal.  
Armed with CYBER SCYTHES, they step toward Mikey – weapons out.  Mikey presses a button.  *His Cybernaut armor POWERS ON.    
 MIKEY
Uh, you got the wrong turtle, dudes. But that’s cool. I’m game for a fight!
Mikey – ATTACKS!  Two hard swings of Cyber nunchakus!
It passes clean through the “body” of one sentry…  then the other.  No effect.  Like trying to hit a ghost.
 MIKEY
Uh-oh.
The sentries swipe with scythes! Lightning fast! Mikey dodges! 
Again! Again! Their swipes – LIGHTNING FAST! But Mikey’s moving fast too! Duck! Dodge! His movements leave STREAKS! He’s moving…
 MIKEY
Move, Mikey, move! WHOOOOOOA!
… impossibly fast! Something is happening… the Sentries can’t land a blow… Mikey’s becoming a bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur!
*MIKEY (BECOMING A BLUR)
Hahahaha! It’s like Donny said! There is no speed limit-there are no rules-we’re-not-REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
*He’s now moving so fast he’s become a streak of power circling sentries with tremendous force… sucking them into a funnel of motion… dissipating their bodies… absorbing their energy… <ZAPT!> But Mikey’s still going – no control – too fast to stop!"

I appreciate the effort to do something different with the strange world of cyberspace, but it really needs to be done with more logic. First, Don has already "built" (programmed?) complex virtual//cyber-technology that the Turtles have already used a bunch of times when they were in Cyberspace -- for him  to freak out and say something like "It’s not like I can have at it with a screwdriver!" is simply ridiculous. 
And this bit with Mikey fighting the cyber-sentries and turning into "Super Speed Mikey" is also silly. And he is wrong to say "It’s like Donny said! There is no speed limit-there are no rules" -- there definitely ARE rules to and in Cyberspace -- they're just not the SAME rules as the physical world. I can't emphasize enough how careful we need to be with this concept -- if we followed the "logic" shown in the quotes above, the path is open to the Turtles turning themselves -- on a whim -- into giant robots, or dinosaurs, or spaceships, or you-name-it when they are in cyberspace. While that could certainly be fun, visually, it's also a dead-end dramatically.
I suggest rewriting these two scenes as follows: Don does find the appropriate "cyber tool" to mess with the Shredder's virtual portal. Perhaps it's even some kind of tool that requires him to become "part of the machine" if you want to do some kind of bizarre visual. A crazy visual just popped into my head -- Don's head and hands detach from his body to allow him to get into the Shredder's cyber portal, leaving the rest of his body defenseless. Obviously, in that state, he needs Mikey to watch his back, which is what Mikey does when he fights the Cyber-Sentries.
And another thing -- why, when they are ALL "virtual" beings in Cyberspace, do Mike's nunchuks have no effect on the sentries' "bodies"? Doesn't seem to make much sense.


-- Peter