Blast from the Past #557: January 12, 2008: Re: TMNT158HackingStockmanDr2, January 13, 2008: Re: TMNT161WebWranglersDr1, January 15, 2008: Re: TMNT163VirtualRealityCheckOUTLINE, and January 18, 2008: Re: TMNT159IncredibleShrinkingSerlingDr2

Subj: Re: TMNT158HackingStockmanDr2
Date: Saturday, January 12, 2008 12:47:57 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 158 second draft Hacking Stockman


1.) Re: the following:

"HUN
What can I say? Busisness is BOOMING!"

Typo -- "business".


2.) Re: the following:

"LEO raises his finger to speak. Raph cuts him off by pressing his sai against Leo’s mouth without looking."

This move by Raph is a little weird and disturbing. I think a look would suffice.


3.) Re: the following:

"Inky BLACKNESS fills the screen, punctuated by RANDOM BURSTS of laser fire!  A moment later, the smoke clears and the TWO ROWS of PURPLE DRAGONS facing one another… simultaneously fall!
AT THE VAULT – The Turtles poke their heads out from behind the heavy door, unharmed.
LEO
Big guns don’t equal big brains!
*HUN
Don’t need brains when you have these! 
*HUN rushes in and his GAUNTLETS GLOW WITH POWER as he <WRENCHES> the door off its hinges! He throws it at the guys – a two ton Frisbee! They flatten as the disc passes over them, destroying a wall in the BG."

Hun's line here strikes me as a bit off. As we all know, Hun is not only a big, powerful tough guy, but is quite intelligent as well. So his saying "Don't need brains" seems inappropriate. Perhaps a small tweak, as follows, would fix this:


"LEO
Big guns don’t equal big brains!
*HUN
Don’t need guns when you have these!"


4.) Re: the following:

"COPTER POV – Pull away from HUN as he angrily <POUNDS> the floor surrounded by Dragons with CROSSBOWS <FIRING> at them."

I think it would be more exciting -- and logical -- if, instead of just pounding on the floor in frustration, Hun used those energy gloves to hurl heavy things at the Shell Copter, forcing Don (actually, April) to take evasive action.


5.) Re: the following:

"*Don barely acknowledges them, <tapping> intently at the coumpter. His brothers gather, sharing a look…
*DON
Oh, hey. Check it out. I found more of Master Splinter’s missing data bits!"

"Oh, hey. Check it out" sounds more like Raph or Mike than Don. It's also unnecessary -- this would work if you just start from "I found..."


6.) Re: the following:

"*The guys are shocked as Don leaps into the Cyber Portal.
*LEO
Okay...Three will have to do, then. "

This seems like a very bizarre, blase reaction on Leo's part.


7.) Re: the following:

"*SHREDDER
The Hun is too dim to develop weapons on his own. I will find out who is behind his newfound “strength”, and you will eliminate them…or perish trying."

It's just "Hun", not "the Hun". And calling Hun "too dim" doesn't seem quite right.


8.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN (O.S.)
I aim to please, Mr. Hun."

In this context, it should also be simply "Hun", not "Mr. Hun". (Remember, these two guys have history together.)


9.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Call them whatever you want, as long as I get paid. I’m saving up to install a cerebral massage unit in this baby."

The more I think about it, the last part of Stockman's line here makes less and less sense. I'd lose it, so it would read as follows:


"*STOCKMAN
Call them whatever you want, as long as I get paid."


10.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Their encryption is so weak YOU could bust it with a calculator and a toothpick--"

"Bust" sounds a bit too slangy for Stockman -- I would change it to "break". Also, I'm not sure what the toothpick would accomplish in this scenario.


11.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Hun, wait! It’s Shredder! He’s hacking into my body! I’m trying to regain control, but—"

It's THE Shredder.


12.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
I wasn’t talking to you! I was talking to Shredder!"

It's "THE Shredder".


13.) By the way, both Hun and Stockman seem to be taking the appearance of this Cyber-Shredder entity with great equanimity. Why are they not more freaked out/surprised by its showing up? Unless I'm forgetting something, neither of them should know about the Cyber-Shredder's existence at this point.


14.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER
Of course this vessel could use… improvements.
Stockman rips one of the DATA PANELS from the wall, and BENDS it into what looks like a SHOULDER PLATE."

I mentioned this in my last notes -- it's not Stockman who performs this action, it's the Shredder in Stockman's robot body.


15.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
I wasn’t talking to you! I was talking to Shredder!"

It's "THE Shredder".


16.) Re: the following:

"*Mikey lifts a KEYCARD from the unconscious Dragon’s VEST.
MIKEY
Please and spank you!"

That is a truly idiotic line.


17.) Re: the following:

"*LEO
Yeah, this couldn’t have happened to a nicer mad scientist!"

Completely inappropriate line for Leo. Might work for Raph.


18.) Re: the following:

"ON MIKEY as Stockman’s head CLAMPS onto his shoulder.
*STOCKMAN
Manual eject. Don’t build a body without it.
MIKEY
<Girly Scream!> EW EW EW EW!
Leo tries to talk to Stockman as Mikey tries to shake him off.
*LEO
How do we stop him, Stockman?
* STOCKMAN
I’ll explain on the way. Follow the screaming moron! <KIYAAH!>
*Stockman’s spider legs “steer” Mikey by pointing his head towards an OPEN ELEVATOR and cracking a tentacle like a <WHIP!>"

This whole scene is totally silly, clearly done solely for the sake of a dopey sight gag. There is no way the Turtles would allow Stockman's spider/head thing to remain attached to Mikey in this fashion.


19.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
The Shredder’s digital-consciousness is too large to upload completely into my body’s on-board circuitry, so he must still be anchored in cyberspace. If we sever his connection to the body, I can regain control and lock him out! "

Forgive me if I am forgetting something here, but -- HOW does Stockman know about the Cyber Shredder's "digital consciousness" and how large it is? I don't recall anything from previous episodes -- or from THIS one -- which would allow him to make these pronouncements. In fact, I don't think Stockman knows anything about the CyberShredder and his being released from his "data vault" in cyberspace.


20.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Those are MY hands, Shredder!"

I really want to avoid characters referring to or speaking to the Shredder as simply "Shredder" -- that's what was done in the original TV series and it is, to me, incredibly tiresome. This line would work with the "Shredder" at the end of it, anyway.


21.) Re: the following:

"*LEO
Allez oop!"

Inappropriate line for Leo.


22.) Re: the following:

"*Raph runs up Leo’s back like a ramp, diving for Shredder’s head with his sais outstretched.
*RAPH
I’d feel guilty about this if you weren’t a robot!"

Raph's line here seems completely pointless to me.


23.) Re: the following:

"*STOCKMAN
Processor’s dead…wireless works --Wait, didn’t someone say the smart one was on-line? 
*MIKEY
The rest of us aren’t “dumb ones,” head-boy."

Mike's line seems a bit pointless here, especially given that he didn't react to Baxter referring to Don as the "smart one" when he said it earlier. I'd lose it.


24.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (DEADPAN)
I bet Einstein never dealt with distractions like these."

I think this would work better grammatically if it was either "I'll bet" or "I'd bet" instead of "I bet".


25.) Re: the following:

"Leo tosses Stockman straight up just in time to draw his Katanas and block a rapid-fire series of strikes…
SHREDDER
Too little too late, boy."

The Shredder referring to Leo as "boy" strikes me as very odd.


26.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Stockman? Is that you? How did you--"

I think this would read better if Don used Stockman's full name, as follows:


"DONATELLO
Baxter Stockman? Is that you? How did you--"


27.) Re: the following:

"Leo, Raph, and Mikey regroup as Stockman drops from the ceiling onto Mikey’s head."

A little of this goes an awfully long way. No more Stockman clinging to Mike's head, please.


28.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Hurry! Before he can regains control!"

That should be either "Before he regains control!" or "Before he can regain control!"


29.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN 
Rebooting firewalls…calibrating system protections— He’s OUTTA THERE!"

"Outta" is not something Stockman would say.


-- Peter

----------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT161WebWranglersDr1
Date: Sunday, January 13, 2008 1:54:43 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on EP. 161 Web Wranglers first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"MASTER KHAN
My lord, the Foot is reborn!  Your soldiers are ready to claim this world for you, their master.  They await only your presence to lead them to battle. "


"Claim this world"? Aren't we getting a little bit -- actually a LOT -- ahead of ourselves here?


2.) Re: the following:

"CYBER SHREDDER
The Turtles have a portal, Khan. A window into this cyber… prison. I have seen it.  And now - I have fashioned one of my own. A portal into reality!
Shredder extends his arms, drawing energy like a lightning rod from the world around him… paths of light, information packets, data bits, everything, anything… his body <crackles> with power!
And with a wave of his hand - Shredder creates a PORTAL! (A Cyber version of the portal Don created in episode #156). 
CYBER SHREDDER
<To himself, admiring it> Ironic that the turtles’ ingenuity should plant the seed of their destruction…   
DRAMATIC ANGLE: Cyber Shredder spins to Khan – triumphant.
CYBER SHREDDER
Soon, I will be joining you.  Soon, I will be flesh. And then, as the world shall see, there-will-be-BLOOD. "

Um... this seems quite illogical. I would think that any "portal" which can take data from cyberspace and convert it somehow into physical reality needs to have a physical reality itself. I mean, how does a "virtual" cyberportal (such as the one created by the Cyber Shredder here) manage to manifest REAL physical things? It seems to make no sense.
One possible solution to this problem might be to have the Foot Tech ninjas taking orders and directions from the Cyber Shredder to build the necessary physical part of the cyber portal in the real world... and it is this physical machine which the Cyber Shredder is able to access from cyberspace.


3.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly: the echoing, ominous sound of <scurrying> and <animal sounds>. Then: Nothing. Dead silence. The turtles stand spooked.
 MIKEY
Anyone else wishing they were wearing diapers?"


Mike's "diapers" line is painfully silly.


4.) Re: the following:

" LEO 
Mikey, call Don.  Tell him we’re bringing back a friend."

"A friend"? That's a very odd way for Leo to refer to this creature/monster.


5.) Re: the following:

"DON, in lab coat, is examining the creature - which is suspended in air within a high-tech STASIS BEAM. (Note: Don’s lab should be filled with signs of his unyielding search to for data bits and attempts to save Splinter.) He addresses Leo, Raph & Mike."

Why is Don in a "lab coat"? I can't recall him ever being in one in the lair. What's the point?


6.) Re: the following:

" LEO
Time to save the world."

A bit of pointless hyperbole which would not be missed -- I'd lose it.


7.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly, Don steps past – his scanner beeping like crazy.
 DON
No!  Indications of more cyber windows opening up!  This isn’t over yet! 
 LEO
And now we know who’s behind it, too! <Points!> THE SHREDDER!!!!
REVERSE TO REVEAL: a flickering window into CYBERSPACE over the street. Somewhat normal looking pigeons soar into reality!  CLOSER: There, inside Cyberspace, watching them go is: THE CYBER SHREDDER! <ZAP!> The window closes!  As we… CUT TO:"

I thought we had established that a "cyber window" (a.k.a. a portal from cyberspace to normal space) had to have the support of some kind of machinery (like what Don created in the lair), and could not just manifest itself anywhere? With the above scene, we're getting dangerously close to the  "anything goes" silliness of the original TMNT TV show, and for my money, that's not a good thing.

8.) Re: the following:

" RAPH
What is it this time?  Tiger, gator, T-Rex?  Didn’t know Shredder had a thing fer animals."

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


9.) Re: the following:

" DON
Clearly, Shredder has created a portal like our own.  He’s attempting to leave cyberspace and exist in the real world."

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


10.) Re: the following:

" DON (O.S.)
That’s why that healthy, organic and totally real chipmunk is bad. It means Shredder’s portal is ready.  He’s coming out; and he’s coming out strong!"

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


11.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Wait a second, Donny.  Making a chipmunk is one thing – but an individual?  As powerful and unique as the Shredder?  Is that possible?"

Leo's use of the word "individual" here is somewhat awkward. I would suggest changing these lines as follows:


""LEO
Wait a second, Donny.  Making a chipmunk is one thing – but a being as powerful and unique as the Shredder?  Is that possible?"


12.) Re: the following:

"WIDE: Before Don can answer: Alarms <RING>!  A screen pops on showing a map of the city. A dot flashes in lower Manhattan.
 DON
No!  Scanners are detecting a window into cyberspace - the biggest one yet - forming in lower Manhattan! "

See comment 7, above.


13.) Re: the following:

" RAPH
<To Leo> Ten ta one it’s for Shredder!"

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


14.) Re: the following:

" LEO
Doesn’t matter. If Shredder comes out, with an army at his command… <RESOLVED> We have to stop him – now. But… how?"

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


15.) Re: the following:

" LEO
Wait! His portal hasn’t been up to spec till now, right?  Who says it has to stay that way?  Who says Shredder has to stay that way, either?"

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


16.) Re: the following:

" LEO
Wait! His portal hasn’t been up to spec till now, right?  Who says it has to stay that way?  Who says Shredder has to stay that way, either?
 MIKEY
Um, the Shredder?
 LEO
Well, what if we reset his portal back to basic – ruin it for him – send his hard work down the drain?"

What kind of gibberish is Leo spouting here? His "plan" (if it can be called that) is incoherent.


17.) Re: the following:

"The PORTAL pulses with POWER.  The turtles stand around it; Mikey & Don with CYBERSPACE GEAR.  Leo helps them put it on.
 LEO
You two sure you’re up for this? It’s not like becoming virtual is easy either.  And Shredder won’t sit by while you tamper with his portal."

The Turtles have, by this episode, become "virtual" and entered -- and exited -- cyberspace a bunch of times. Why, NOW, does Leo get all worried about it?
And -- not so sound like a broken record or anything -- but it's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


18.) Re: the following:

" DON
No, no, no, NO! I should have realized!  His portal – it’s virtual, all code, not a piece of hardware…!  "

Again, this makes NO sense. Obviously, given that they are in Cyberspace, here EVERYTHING is "virtual" and there is no matter, the portal is not hardware. But in the "real world", there HAS to be some kind of hardware to convert the digital data into physical reality. Otherwise, it's just magic.


19.) Re: the following:

"DON
This portal is virtual – composed of binary code, not circuits and chips. But there must be some way to interface with it.  It has form; I have form. It exits; I – <beat; eyes alight!> Wait! Time for a new approach!
Suddenly, Don hops into lotus position! Mikey watches befuddled. 
MIKEY
<Head scratch> Uh Donny? Whatcha doing?
DON
The rules of reality don’t apply here, remember? I’m going to reset the portal from the inside out. That portal’s not real? <CLOSES EYES> Well, neither am I.  
On that: Don dissolves, from head to foot, into swirls of 1s & 0s… that spiral into a life-sized double helix of DNA… break down… and drift like “smoke” into the “machinery” of the portal.  "

This is starting to get pretty ridiculous. I mean, Don has previously figured out how to deal with problems in the "virtual" world of cyberspace -- he even devised software weapons and vehicles for himself and the other Turtles when they ventured into cyberspace. WHY then does he now have to do this goofy "virtual meditation"?


20.) Re: the following:

"Again! Again! Their swipes – LIGHTNING FAST! But Mikey’s moving fast too! Duck! Dodge! His movements leave STREAKS! He’s moving…
 MIKEY
Move, Mikey, move! WHOOOOOOA!
… impossibly fast! Something is happening… the Sentries can’t land a blow… Mikey’s becoming a bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur!
MIKEY (BECOMING A BLUR)
Hahahaha! You said it, bro! There is no speed limit-there are no rules-we’re-not-REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
He’s now moving so fast he’s become a streak of power circling sentries with tremendous force… sucking them into a funnel of motion… dissipating their bodies… absorbing their energy… then – "


While it is slightly entertaining to see Mike become "SuperCyberMike" in this scene, it should be pointed out that if we allow this,  it completely changes the way things should go from this point forward when the Turtles enter cyberspace -- they can all then be SuperCyberTurtles as Mike does here. And the question is -- do we want that to be so? I suspect not.


21.) Re: the following:

"THE SHREDDER (O.S.)
You did something to the portal! Made me into this! Deformed!  Diminished!
 LEO
You mean - virtual!  You’re not real, and you never will be!  You’re nothing but a backup file! <LOOKS UP & SMILES> And speaking of backup!"

Leo's lines here bother me. I really think we need to be EXTREMELY careful about blurring the lines between the real world and cyberspace. For Leo to be calling this real world manifestation of the Shredder "virtual" and "not real" -- when it is obvious that the Shredder has manifested himself in the real world, albeit incompletely and imperfectly -- is, at the very least, a blurring of those lines that we don't need and don't want.
And the "You're nothing but a backup file!" line, while having a certain panache and punch, doesn't really seem to fit here.


22.) Re: the following:

" DON
Shredder’s portal is out of commission.  And now, hopefully, he is too?"

It's "the Shredder", not just "Shredder".


-- Peter

-------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT163VirtualRealityCheckOUTLINE
Date: Tuesday, January 15, 2008 11:18:18 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

comments on Episode 163 Virtual Reality Check outline


  I'm not going to go into my usual detailed list because this outline has such a serious, basic flaw that it would, at this point, probably be a waste of everyone's time.


The flaw is this: We have established (or at least I thought we had) that for a cyber-thing to move from cyberspace into real-space, you need two things: one, a virtual portal inside cyberspace; and two, some kind of machine in real-space which can perform the nearly-magical feat of converting the virtual into the real. Donatello, using his own whiz-kid abilities as well as tech knowledge he brought from the future, was able to build such a machine in the Turtles' lair -- this is what the Turtles use when they need to go into cyberspace to look for Splinter's data bits, and also when they need to come OUT of cyberspace and back to real-space.


  Given that, any trick the Cyber Shredder uses to get Donatello to build him a virtual portal in cyberspace will NOT allow the Cyber Shredder to enter real-space -- he would still need the second half of the equation (the machinery in real-space which converts the digital to the physical).


  And given all that, as I see it, all the Cyber Shredder accomplishes by tricking Don into building a virtual portal in cyberspace is to DUPLICATE what already existed -- Don's original virtual portal, the one the Turtles have been using all along to exit cyberspace! And THAT virtual portal leads directly to the machinery in the Turtles' lair!


So I think this plot needs a serious overhaul... which is not to say that I don't think there are a few good ideas here. I like the "ship in a bottle" concept (I think there was an episode of "Star Trek" The Next Generation" which dealt with almost exactly this same concept), where you THINK you are back in reality, but it is just a simulation of reality.


  One idea which isn't actually in the outline, but is SUGGESTED by it -- and which I have touched on in my comments here -- is that the Cyber Shredder might well decide to try to "highjack" the Turtles' cyberportal to allow himself to move into real-space, either overtly (he goes through it in full Cyber Shredder battle mode and trashes the lair) or covertly (he disguises himself -- maybe as a Turtle! -- and passes through it).


But I really think we need to operate by the rules we've set up -- otherwise, this whole concept of moving between the real world and cyberspace just becomes ridiculous.


  -- Peter

------------------------------------------------


Subj: Re:   TMNT159IncredibleShrinkingSerlingDr2
Date: Friday, January 18, 2008 12:18:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 159 "The Incredible Shrinking Serling"


1.) Re: the following:

"*RAPHAEL
Yeah, well, we aim to please here at Casa de Turtlé. "

Would it be better as "Casa de Tortuga"? (I think that's the Spanish word for "turtle".)


2.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
Wow, Serling, I don’t know what to say.  Thanks!  But I feel bad leaving you all by yourself tonight."

I'd lose the "Wow" here.


3.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TIME WINDOW.  It PULSATES with power.  Force field/energy matrix start to SWIRL around Serling, enveloping him and... causing him to TOTALLY DISASSEMBLE!  His limbs, outer shell, nuts, bolts, anything, everything come UNDONE.  Serling now looks like an "exploded diagram" -- all his parts exposed in three dimensions, separated so we can see each one.  The parts hover, suspended mid-air, then fall to the floor in a pile.
*SERLING
Let’s try that again.
*Serling’s arm crawls towards a screwdriver."

That's a painfully silly sight gag suitable for a Tex Avery cartoon... not this one.


4.) Re: the following:

"*ON THE TIME WINDOW: It PULSATES.  An energy matrix envelops Serling and <ZAP> he vanishes!  Then suddenly an energy matrix reappears. But completely discombobulated – his arm is where his head should be, leg where his arm should be, head where his but should be.  "

And this is ANOTHER painfully silly sight gag. Both this and the previous one waste time and are -- as I see it -- unnecessary. 


5.) Re: the following:

"CUT WIDER: As just then -- the time window matrix <ZAPS> in!  Serling EMERGES - hovering in the air!
<SFX: MECHANICAL WHIR> Serling extends legs from torso and lands on the sidewalk in front of the stoop.  "

Not sure if this would work, but I thought it might be fun if, for a brief moment the velociraptor which was pursuing Serling in the past pushes its head through the time window... looks around with a baffled expression and then pulls back just as the time window closes.


6.) Re: the following:

"OPEN WIDE on the TURTLE TOTS playing a game of Hacky Sack -- with Serling as the sack. TRACK ON SERLING - being SMACKED back-and-forth through the air!"

A funny visual... but also very nearly completely illogical. I mean, think about it -- Mike finds a cool little robot toy... and the next thing he does with it is start KICKING it around? This bit might work better this way -- Mike finds the toy, and is really excited about it, but Raph and the others start a little game of "keepaway" (as brothers are wont to do) where they toss the toy to each other to keep it out of Mike's hands. As one of the Turtles catches Serling, that is the moment when he yells, startling that Turtle, who involuntarily throws Serling into the air... and Mike catches him.


7.) Re: the following:

"Splinter tosses Serling into an ornate, bejeweled CHEST.  He rises and steps over to Tots."

One, I think Splinter should PLACE Serling, not TOSS him. Second, why an "ornate, bejeweled" chest? Wouldn't it be more likely that Splinter would have something more simple and elegant-looking?


8.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
You must never allow possessions to posses you, for that leads... to obsession.  Do you understand?"

"Possess" is spelled wrong here.


9.) Re: the following:

"SERLING (V.O.) 
Ugh, I seem to have short circuited.  Initiating self-diagnostic.  Hm. <EXERTION GRUNTS> I'm helpless!
Serling tries to raise his arms - they hover - and collapse."

Rather than the somewhat silly expedient which happens later -- Serling gets hit by a toy tank which "knocks his systems back in order", perhaps it might be better to have his systems fix themselves -- slowly. This could be done as follows:


"SERLING (V.O.) 
Ugh, I seem to have short circuited.  Initiating self-diagnostic and repair functions.  Hm... this might take a while... and until then -- 
 <EXERTION GRUNTS> -- I'm helpless! 
Serling tries to raise his arms - they hover - and collapse.""


10.) Re: the following:

"WENDELL quickly activates a terrifying hydraulic POWER DRILL suspended over the metal table.  <BRRR!> Its blade SPINS!
OLD WENDELL
Time to find out what makes you tick!"

While it certainly makes for a threatening visual, it also doesn't make much sense that Wendell would chose such a crude and brute-force tool to open up Serling and figure out how he works. I'm sure we can come up with something more appropriate and sophisticated as well as threatening... perhaps some kind of multi-armed "dissection" apparatus.


11.) Re: the following:

"ON RAPH: Toy Bots swipe at him with razor sharp, clawed fingers.  Raph leaps over one, and ducks under the other.  The claws slice through the metal stand of a gumball machine.  The stand falls, glass shatters, gum rolls.


ON MIKEY: pinned to the floor by waves of tiny Bots, crawling up his legs, arms, chest, like red army ants. "

This is getting a little out of hand. WHY would the toymaker create a version of Serling with claws which can slice through metal? Not only that, but how COULD he? The same goes for the "waves of tiny Bots"... unless this guy has been to the future, I would think creating things of this level of sophistication would be beyond him.


12.) Re: the following:

"DRAMATIC LOW ANGLE ON THE ULTRA TOY BOT – stomping toward the Tots. It’s a massive, terrifying Robo-monster.  It’s right arm capped with an enormous, mounted, pulsating LASER CANON. "

A "laser cannon"?!?!?! Come on....!


13.) Re: the following:

"OLD WENDELL
Like the Ultra Bot’s hand canon, Turtles?  Believe me, it’s nothing compared to the one my cherished used to blast my tin soldier to bits all those years ago!  But cut me a break, I was working off memory.


The Ultra Bot readies the cannon for a killing blast.


OLD WENDELL
And unfortunately for you, it’s not for sale. So, let's end this. I've got 80 years of playtime to catch up on."

"Cannon" is misspelled. But more than that, it seems pretty silly how Old Wendell starts acting and talking like a cheesy villain here... with cheesy lines like "And unfortunately for you, it’s not for sale." WTF?


14.) Re: the following:

"SMASH CUT TO: SPLINTER'S WALKING STICK SPIRALING THROUGH THE AIR! It SMACKS the Bot’s head (causing the bot to stumble)and RICOCHETS back into SPLINTER’S HAND.  PULL OUT TO REVEAL: Splinter, standing at the STORE'S ENTRANCE, walking stick raised above his head.
SPLINTER
Playtime’s over."

So... Splinter throws a stick which makes this giant robot stumble (that's some heavy stick!), and then it returns to his hand like a freakin' boomerang... and then he says a cheesy Rambo-type line? What's wrong with this picture?


15.) Re: the following:

"OLD WENDELL
What happened?  Why’d it stop?!
Wendell runs over.  Splinter picks up the BATTERIES and squints.
SPLINTER (SLYLY)
Batteries not included?"

Splinter's line is completely dopey.


16.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
It's good to see you too, my sons.  Had I not tracked you to this store, I may never have seen you again."

I think "might" would work better than "may" here, as follows:


"SPLINTER
It's good to see you too, my sons.  Had I not tracked you to this store, I might never have seen you again."


17.) Re: the following:

"OLD WENDELL (V.O)
You know, I first saw this toy when I was about your age.  He… it… was… magnificent. Couldn't bear to live without it. But… if you turtles can let it go… then I can, too."

I really don't think Wendell should be calling the Turtles "turtles" here (or anywhere -- I think he did it a page ago, too)... it sounds weird. It's also unnecessary. It would work as well or better as follows:


"OLD WENDELL (V.O)
You know, I first saw this toy when I was about your age.  He… it… was… magnificent. Couldn't bear to live without it. But… if you can let it go… then I can, too."


18.) Re: the following:

"RAPH TOT
Let's chuck it in the trash!
MIKEY
Batter up!
Mikey tosses Serling in the air.  Don swings his staff like a baseball bat.  <SMACK> Serling goes ZOOMING OVER… Wendell, now standing at a TRASH CAN. He lifts the lid. Serling hits it <CYMBAL CRASH!> and slides into the can. Wendell closes the lid."

This bit seems completely over the top to me.


19.) Re: the following:

"OLD WENDELL
A line of… Mutant Ninja Turtle dolls, perhaps?  Hmm.  No, sorry.  I’m afraid green doesn’t sell!"

This self-referential gag is kind of funny... but although I could see how Wendell might be able to recognize the Turtles as turtles, I'm not so sure he would have -- or should have -- come up with the "mutant" and "ninja" bits. How about tweaking it to read as follows:


"OLD WENDELL
A line of… Super Samurai Turtle dolls, perhaps?  Hmm.  No, sorry.  I’m afraid green doesn’t sell!"


20.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
<SIGHS> I could so use an oil bath.
*INT. LAIR - LATER
S*erling is half submerged in a rusty bathtub with oil.  The Turtles listen to Serling finish up his tale... "

Oh. My. God.


No oil baths, please.


21.) Re: the following:

"*SERLING
Living in filth, hiding in shadows, never having a moment of privacy!  Doesn’t it ever get to you?!
*The Turtles gather around him.  
*LEONARDO
Of course it does.  I guess over the years we’ve just developed certain…coping strategies.  
*Raph wraps an arm around Serling.
*RAPHAEL
C’mon, chrome-dome, I got just what’ll take the edge off.
DISSOLVE TO:
*EXT. NYC ROOFTOPS – NIGHT
*The Turtles race across the rooftops…
*RAPHAEL
You okay back there?
*Serling races into to join the Turtles.
*SERLING
My circuit sensors are overloaded…my emotive module is at capacity…and I’ve never felt so alive!  Faster!
*Serling races ahead of the Turtles on the rooftop as we…"

I'm really not sure how I feel about this ending. On the one hand, it's kind of sweet. On the other hand, it makes little to no sense that the Turtles would take Serling out on their rooftop runs, nor that Serling would even be ABLE to do it! 


-- Peter