Subj: comments on TMNT159 Outline
Date: Saturday, December 22, 2007 9:15:23 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
P. Laird comments on Ep. 159 outline "Identity Crisis"
I'm not going to go into specific comments on specific lines in this outline because I think it has enough basic problems that it might require a near-total overhaul. Here are the two big problems (the second is smaller than the first, but still problematic):
1.) If the Shredder can create this virus and use it to attack the Turtles in cyberspace, what will stop him from doing it whenever they enter cyberspace (which I suspect they will need to do more at least several more times to finish getting Splinter's "bits")?
It's not that I don't think the basic concept (using a cyber-virus to strike at the Turtles when they are in their digital forms, and then following the effect that has on them when they return to the physical world) is bad... actually, I think it's pretty inventive. But it needs to have a "fix" figured out that will allow the Turtles to re-enter cyberspace without having to fear that they risk having their personalities and memories messed with every time. As far as I can tell, that does not exist in this outline as yet.
2.) A key part of this story's plot is that -- for some reason -- the Turtles' "cyber-portal" manifests not in their lair, but in Master Khan's Foot hideout. There seems to be no logical reason for this; in fact, the only reason for it seems to be that this is what needs to happen so April and Casey won't immediately know what happened to the Turtles, and that so the Turtles show up immediately in front of Master Khan. There has been (as far as I can recall) no set-up for this in previous episodes, i.e. that the "cyber-portal" can be created somewhere other than where Don has set up the specific equipment required to create it.
3.) Actually, I thought of a third big problem, which is this: Why, after successfully rendering the Turtles so vulnerable, does Master Khan pretend -- and work to make them believe -- that they are actually servants of the Shredder? Why not just eliminate them once and for all? Isn't that what the Shredder has been trying to do for a long time? And why have them doing things like "… rob banks… make jewelry heists… knock off an armored car …" and so on? Seems like a gross misuse of their skill sets. Why not set them after the Purple Dragons?
I think the motivation behind trying to make the Turtles believe they are actually allied to the Foot needs to be thought out more.
Here's one suggestion: What if when the Shredder attacks the Turtles with his virus while they are in cyberspace, it is his intention to destroy -- not co-opt -- them. But they somehow back it back into the physical world, somehow find themselves confronted by Master Khan... and HE takes it upon himself to hatch the scheme of fooling them into thinking they are servants of the Foot... even though it is NOT what the Shredder wants. If we went in this direction, it could be a good way to sow a seed of discord between Master Khan and the Shredder (if it was decided that such a thing could be useful to our storytelling this season).
4.) There is one very weird line in this outline that I absolutely HAVE to comment on, and that is the following:
"The turtles’ NATURAL CARTE BLANCHE PERSONALITIES are simply amplifications of themselves. "
What the heck is this supposed to mean? The Webster's Dictionary definition of "carte blanche" is "full discretionary power". I don't get it. If the writer is thinking of the literal translation of the original French phrase ("blank document"), that STILL makes no sense. If the Turtles are "blank documents" how could they have ANY personalities... especially "amplifications of themselves"? Amplification of nothing is still nothing.
I think this idea has potential, but it really could use some more thought. One thing that just occurred to me is that maybe having all four Turtles affected this way is just overkill, and using them to then rob banks is just kind of silly. Here's one suggestion: If the key thing the Shredder is after is a way to move from cyberspace into the physical world, maybe the only Turtle he really needs to serve him is Donatello, who clearly has the wherewithal to create the cyber-portal that the Shredder needs. If it were only Don affected this way, it might offer more interesting possibilities for conflicts between "brainwashed Don" and the other three Turtles, who are shocked to see him working for the Foot... and it would offer compelling reasons for them to stop -- and save -- Don.
-- Peter
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Subj: Re: TMNT Interstitials 156 and 157
Date: Saturday, December 22, 2007 9:33:35 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
P. Laird comments on Interstitials 156-3 and 157-4
156-3
1.) Re: the following:
"ON MANHOLE COVER. The camera continues to SHAKE. The <FIGHT SOUNDS> continue.
The cover is pushed aside, as Don, Mikey, Raph and Leo EMERGE. Leo fights off TENTACLES with his KATANAS. All the Turtles are BATTERED AND BRUISED.
CLOSE ON TENTACLES/MANHOLE – The manhole cover comes crashing down, sealing the tentacles below. PAN UP TO WEARY TURTLES.
LEONARDO
These things are going to devour the city! I think it’s time we upgrade.
INT. TURTLE LAIR – NIGHT
MONTAGE:
LEONARDO with WELDING GOGGLES, WELDING JACK HAMMER.
RAPHAEL equipping MINER’S HELMET and SHOULDER PADS.
DON loading HARPOON BLASTER.
MICHELANGELO placing BUG SPRAY CANISTERS on SUIT."
"Tentacles"? I thought they were fighting dinosaurs and prehistoric bugs? Where are the tentacles coming from?
But more importantly, it seems quite silly to me that in the middle of this fight, the Turtles stop and go off and BUILD some new equipment! What -- they expect the monsters will just stop and wait for them to get back to the battle? Or am I missing something? It would make somewhat more sense, it seems to me, that they might return to the lair to pick up -- not MAKE -- new gear which would help them deal with the problem at hand.
I also think Leo's "These things are going to devour the city!" line is very goofy.
-------------
157-4
No comments. (Though now I see that all these monsters are somehow made of "ooze" (??!!), so I guess tentacles would not be totally out of order.)
-- Peter
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Subj: Re: comments on TMNT159 Outline
Date: Friday, December 28, 2007 11:17:46 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Matt at 4Kids
Matt,
I think you have suggested some pretty workable fixes.
<< 1.) If the Shredder can create this virus and use it to attack the Turtles in cyberspace, what will stop him from doing it whenever they enter cyberspace (which I suspect they will need to do more at least several more times to finish getting Splinter's "bits")?
It's not that I don't think the basic concept (using a cyber-virus to strike at the Turtles when they are in their digital forms, and then following the effect that has on them when they return to the physical world) is bad... actually, I think it's pretty inventive. But it needs to have a "fix" figured out that will allow the Turtles to re-enter cyberspace without having to fear that they risk having their personalities and memories messed with every time. As far as I can tell, that does not exist in this outline as yet.
Totally agree with you – we need to create a “fix” to allow the Turtles to enter back into cyberspace without fear of their memories being wiped out again. I think that this can be addressed at the end of the episode with April or Donatello introducing a kind of viral antidote that they developed and would neutralize the Shredder’s virus should he ever attempt to use it again. If that feels too tacked on, we could even make this viral antidote be part of the ultimate climax that finally jogs the Turtles memories.>>
That should work fine.
<< 2.) A key part of this story's plot is that -- for some reason -- the Turtles' "cyber-portal" manifests not in their lair, but in Master Khan's Foot hideout. There seems to be no logical reason for this; in fact, the only reason for it seems to be that this is what needs to happen so April and Casey won't immediately know what happened to the Turtles, and that so the Turtles show up immediately in front of Master Khan. There has been (as far as I can recall) no set-up for this in previous episodes, i.e. that the "cyber-portal" can be created somewhere other than where Don has set up the specific equipment required to create it.
Again, agree with you. Perhaps we can correct this by having Shredder, as he wipes the Turtles memories, implant deep in their minds a kind of subconscious directive that prompts them to beeline it to Master Khan’s Foot hideout as soon as they emerge back into the real world. I think this would make for an even an even more dramatic moment between April and Casey – instead of them wondering why the Turtles never reappeared they’d be wondering where they were headed off to!>>
That should work, although I wonder if it would be more interesting if, instead of "beelining" it to Master Khan's place (which I take to mean that as soon as they reappear in the Turtle Lair, they immediately rush out the door, all together, to go to see Master Khan), they APPEAR to be completely normal... but then (at some point while Casey and April are still there) the Turtles kind of "zombie out", go glassy-eyed and non-responsive, and one by one leave whatever they are doing and head out the door. If doing so causes a pacing or timing problem with the episode, it could be changed to something more like what you suggested.
<< 3.) Actually, I thought of a third big problem, which is this: Why, after successfully rendering the Turtles so vulnerable, does Master Khan pretend -- and work to make them believe -- that they are actually servants of the Shredder? Why not just eliminate them once and for all? Isn't that what the Shredder has been trying to do for a long time? And why have them doing things like "… rob banks… make jewelry heists… knock off an armored car …" and so on? Seems like a gross misuse of their skill sets. Why not set them after the Purple Dragons?
I think the motivation behind trying to make the Turtles believe they are actually allied to the Foot needs to be thought out more.
Here's one suggestion: What if when the Shredder attacks the Turtles with his virus while they are in cyberspace, it is his intention to destroy -- not co-opt -- them. But they somehow back it back into the physical world, somehow find themselves confronted by Master Khan... and HE takes it upon himself to hatch the scheme of fooling them into thinking they are servants of the Foot... even though it is NOT what the Shredder wants. If we went in this direction, it could be a good way to sow a seed of discord between Master Khan and the Shredder (if it was decided that such a thing could be useful to our storytelling this season).>>
I think you’re absolutely right – this needs to be thought out more. I propose that the Shredder does not want to kill the Turtles because, since he is still locked in cyber space and the Foot is still rebuilding, he is shorthanded at the moment. However, what if the Shredder makes the point that once the Turtles help stage is set for his return (by taking out various enemies and stealing loot to finance Foot operations) then Master Khan will dispatch of them. I think this idea would raise the stakes of the whole episode and even introduce a “ticking clock” for the guys that will have nearly run out right at our climax.>>
The "ticking clock" concept is good. I still feel, though, that there is something missing here. Given how well the Turtles have done against the Foot in their many battles before, I would think that the Shredder would find better uses for them and their fighting skills than just knocking over banks and so forth.
One possible reason the Shredder co-opts the Turtles instead of killing them outright could be that he feels that "turning" them in this fashion (i.e. making them be "evil") is sweet revenge, revenge which he will enjoy until they are no longer of any use to them. And maybe part of this revenge is that he forces them to do things which are beneath them, humiliating his former foes (at least for a little while).
Another idea, using the concept I suggested of the Shredder setting the Turtles after Hun and the Purple Dragons, could be that Hun is forced to turn to Casey and April for help with dealing with the Turtles, who have never before attacked his organization with such ferocity and single-minded purpose. He could even capture one of them and realize that the Shredder has somehow done something to them. Maybe this is complicating things too much, and perhaps we don't have time to do it within this episode, but I think it could be interesting.
<< 4.) There is one very weird line in this outline that I absolutely HAVE to comment on, and that is the following:
"The turtles’ NATURAL CARTE BLANCHE PERSONALITIES are simply amplifications of themselves. "
What the heck is this supposed to mean? The Webster's Dictionary definition of "carte blanche" is "full discretionary power". I don't get it. If the writer is thinking of the literal translation of the original French phrase ("blank document"), that STILL makes no sense. If the Turtles are "blank documents" how could they have ANY personalities... especially "amplifications of themselves"? Amplification of nothing is still nothing.>>
Ha, yes, you’re right. We’ll definitely see to it that this line (or any form of it) doesn’t make its way into any further versions of this premise!>>
Thanks!
-- Peter
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Subj: Re: TMNT157 2nd Draft
Date: Friday, December 28, 2007 11:41:05 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Matt at 4Kids
In a message dated 12/27/07 1:17:10 PM, Matt writes:
<<Hi Pete,
Thanks for all the notes! We’ll be implementing them all – but just wanted to clarify on issue 10 :
10.) Re: the following:
"*The image fades. Casey’s eyes NARROW. He grabs his CLUB and: STRIKES! Right where the Diamond and setting meet! <CRACK!>
*Again and again! <CRACK! CRACK!> Rays of light erupt on contact, blinding him – but he keeps going. <CRACK! CRACK!>
*CASEY
April! April! <ON LAST STRIKE> APRIIIL!
*He wedges his club! And with ALL HIS MIGHT pries the diamond… LOOSE! IT FALLS! The screen FLASHES with LIGHT! When it clears, we’re: WIDE: April is back to normal! And falling! As is Casey! "
Again with the club! And I'm a little baffled by this turn of events. Are we now saying that it was the gem (i.e. the diamond) which was the source of the ring's power? That seems a little off, especially as we have made something of a big deal about removing the ring -- not a PART of the ring, not just the STONE -- to release April from its curse.
While I'm not saying the following is the best way to accomplish what we need to accomplish in this scene, here's what I suggested in my last set of notes:
"Maybe something that would be a LITTLE bit more logical would be to have Casey grab Hun's blaster and use it to CUT through the ring, instead of trying to muscle it off. That COULD fit the legend -- even though Casey is CUTTING the ring off rather than PULLING it off, he is still the one who put it on and he's now the one who's taking it off.. And later the ring could mystically reform itself so Casey can give it back to Jin undamaged."
I feel like since we’ve set up a rule in this episode that “you cannot remove the ring, lest you were the one to put it on,” we kind of need to hold true to it. I worry that blasted the ring off (even it is Casey doing the blasting) isn’t quite the same as “removing” the ring (in the traditional sense) and may not deliver the same kind of pay off.
What I liked about the original draft – where Casey manages to remove the ring from April with sheer strength – was that Casey was only able to do so after April appeared to him from inside the ring and urged him on - as though, it was the power of her love and his love for her that enabled him to summon the strength and save her. Kind of in that mom lifting a truck of her baby kind of way. If we tweaked the original version so that it was executed in a quicker way, might that be acceptable to you?
Like so:
But suddenly, within the diamond, a spectral image of the real April forms and flickers. Casey sees it… his eyes go wide…
1. casey
April…?
2. **SPECTRAL APRIL
Casey… goongala!
His eyes well with tears. He presses palms against the diamond.
3. MR. SUN (V.O.)
There is always a touch of light in the dark, Mr. Jones. There is always… hope.
**The image fades. Casey’s eyes NARROW. He grabs hold of the ring and with ALL HIS MIGHT, gives one final PULL.
4. **casey
APRIIIL!!!
**Finally pries the ring… LOOSE! IT FALLS! The screen FLASHES with LIGHT! When it clears, we’re: WIDE: April is back to normal! And falling! As is Casey!
As always, thanks Pete! Please just let me know if this works for you!
Best,
Matt>>
Matt,
As long as it is clear -- both through animation and dialogue -- that pulling this off requires ALL of Casey's strength and resolve, then I think your solution works. (And in this vein, it would be good to show somehow immediately following this action that Casey is exhausted.)
-- Peter
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