Subj: notes on Ep. 151 first draft
Date: Sunday, April 15, 2007 7:36:59 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
notes on Ep. 151 first draft
1.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO is the first to “pop” out of it and PHASE back into full form as he breaks his concentration …
Aw shell, I told you guys this makes me feel dizzy!"
Actually, no. Mike said a few lines back, referring not to meditation but to the phasing in and out that the Turtles have been doing recently:
I hate those things … they make me feel all dizzy …"
2.) Re: the following:
"WIDER AS – Our other turtles and Splinter have all PHASED back into normal and they look up as the SHADOW of the large Kame-1 covers the rooftop and … all look amazed …
That matches no known Earth Spacecraft in my database … Master Cody, you’d better go downstairs.
No way … this is so wicked cool.
Leonardo nods his head in agreement …
That is an understatement.
ANGLE ON - The Dreadnaught Kameyama <LOWERS> to come along level with the side of the rooftop."
I wonder if it might be cool if something about the design of Usagi's ship ignites a spark of recognition in Leonardo's mind... maybe it displays the Usagi family crest or some design element Leo might have seen when he visited Usagi's world.
3.) Re: the following:
Usagi! My honored friend. It’s so good to see you. I … I never thought to meet you again."
I would cut this greeting down to "Usagi! It’s so good to see you." "My honored friend" sounds really stilted and formal... and I don't see any reason why Leo thought he'd never see Usagi again.
4.) Re: the following:
Rhogen, you’re just like your ancestor.
Yeah, with extra ugly on top."
Is Raph saying that Rhogen is descended from Gennosuke, the rhino character in UY? How does he know this, or is he making a HUGE assumption?
And isn't Mikey's line a bit out of character? I mean, to blatantly insult this guy, a friend of this Space Usagi. that he's never met before? It's not necessary -- I'd get rid of it.
5.) Re: the following:
"WIDER TO REVEAL – Leonardo and Space Usagi FLOAT in the center of a large circular ANTI-GRAVITY CHAMBER: it has a huge dome of a ceiling and four large doors space equidistant from each other (i.e. points of a compass)."
This seems to be a bit of "gilding the lily". Why add the extra complexity of a zero-g environment? And don't get me started about the physics involved -- for example, if Leo and Usagi really were floating in the center of the zero-g chamber, unless they were close enough to touch each other to start out with, they could never more from their initial positions -- the would just be flailing away and not going anywhere (nothing to push off from).
Here's a thought, almost literally inverting the zero-g idea: What if instead on NO gravity, this is a chamber with gravity EVERYWHERE... so that the fighters aren't stuck on the one floor, but can run up walls and across the ceiling if need be.
6.) Re: the following:
"Both Rhogen and Splinter <SPIT> into their palms and SHAKE HANDS on it as the other three turtles look on in amazement (Raph = amusement)."
Splinter spitting into his palm to shake on a bet is completely out of character. Let's lose it.
Actually, Splinter betting at all is out of character and silly. Let's lose that and have Raph make the bet instead, as follows:
Who wants to bet me a salted Venusian Buffalo steak that Ears beats Shell-boy in no time flat.
I’ll see your salted Venusian Buffalo steak … and raise you two platters of spiced Mercury crab cakes.
7.) Re: the following:
"RAPHAEL, MICHELANGELO AND DONATELLO are <SHAKEN> by the blast as is Rhogen … but Splinter remains standing very still unaffected but very aware and focused."
Why is Splinter unaffected? Seems weird.
8.) Re: the following:
Usagi, you have to get yourself and your crew off this ship! These Mech Turtles are after us. We can’t, in good conscience, allow your crew to get hurt because of us."
Isn't this a bit presumptuous of Leo to say -- "get off your own ship because our enemies have attacked"? Why doesn't Leo offer to leave with his brothers? After all, they are the targets!
9.) Re: the following:
And I, will stay here and fight alongside you, honored friend. I cannot allow them to hurt you. We have to finish our duel!"
Again with the "honored friend"! I think this is laying it on a bit thick.
10.) Re: the following:
"LEONARDO AND SPACE USAGI stand back to back <CLANGING> swords against SPIKE MECH and CLAW MECH (respectively).
How are we doing? Where are we?
WIDER/PAN OVER TO – DONATELLO is locked in combat with Staff Mech as …
Same place were last time with these mechs …
MICHELANGELO gets GRABBED by Darius Mech and Mikey struggles in a <CRUSHING> bear hug by Darius Mech!
Yeah, which is nowhere fast!"
All of these lines seem completely superfluous to me, especially Leo's.
11.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO is getting to his feet …
Kind of hard to think with these mechs playing knick-knack paddy-whack on my skull!"
That's really more of a Mikey line.
12.) Re: the following:
Yeah, I have an idea. I should have bailed off this tub with the rest of the crew! I mean, why I’m even here?! This isn’t my fight!"
I think that should be "I mean, why am I even here?!"
13.) Re: the following:
"ON A LARGE DOOR – Splinter, Leonardo and Space Usagi are just on the other side of the door as it <SEALS> shut with Splinter waving “bye-bye” just as it’s closing …"
"Splinter waving "bye-bye"? Oh my God...
Subj: Re: TMNT153 OUTLINE
Date: Sunday, April 15, 2007 12:16:15 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
notes on Ep. 153 outline
I don't have a lot to say about this episode, except that I am not 100% convinced that bringing Cody and Serling back to the present along with the Turtles is such a good idea. If we are going to do another season following this "Fast Forward" one, I'd prefer to return to the pre-FF setup. In fact, the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that it is a bad idea.
I don't understand why Cody doesn't just go through the TIme Window into the future at the end of this episode. Why is it necessary for the Turtles, Splinter and Serling to first go through the Time Window into the past to "rescue" Cody?
The defeat of the TriShreddatron at the end of this episode seems rushed and oddly unsatisfying.
Also, setting the big battle in Cody's penthouse seems kind of boring -- like, haven't we seen enough fighting in this place already? And the way the TriShreddatron and his goons get into the building by using old security codes and Serling ignoring that and just letting "Cody" in (What, there's no visual check? No video camera at the door piping images up to the penthouse? Pretty silly...). In my opinion, some thought should be given to finding another, more interesting setting for this big scene -- maybe Don and Cody pick some location where they feel the Time Window might be more stable or something... maybe on the moon or on a ship or...? Anything so that we don't have to do yet one more "bad guys break into Cody's apartment" bit. Hey -- maybe President Bishop gives them access to some facility! In fact, it might be cool to include Bishop in this big battle.