Subj: comments on Ep. 95 ("Outbreak") first draft
Date: Thursday, September 30, 2004 1:38:00 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on the Ep. 95 first draft.
1.) Re: the following::
"WIDE – Both tables rise, bringing both Bishops side by side. The wires from both Bishops’ heads are converging in a central machine, a conduit for the transfer. "
I think it is worth noting that we are establishing that Bishop and Stockman possess and are using a VERY powerful technology -- something which allows the transfer of consciousness from one body to another. This is no small feat, and could have large repercussions later on. I bring it up to raise this question -- is it too much? Or should we have Bishop's consciousness be transferred to his clone bodies by an actual, physical brain transplant?
2.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
Hopefully some decent parts for motion detectors will comes our way. I’d like to get the reservoir secure sooner than later."
Two things here. FIrst, I think it should be "come" and not "comes". And it seems a bit odd for Don to refer to their new digs as "the reservoir", not least because unless I am mistaken, they are not staying in the reservoir but in the pump house. I would replace "the reservoir" with "the new lair".
3.) Re: the following:
"CHUBBY TODD
I’ll bet he did. Harry would say he saw a giant crocodile down there if it’d get him off nights."
Nothing wrong with this line, but as I read it I thought this might be a good place to have one of these guys offhandedly refer to the Turtles in much the same "urban legendary" way as giant crocodiles in the sewers. It stands to reason that after all these years in NYC, the Turtles would have been glimpsed by various sewer or electrical workers and gained that kind of mythic status. Here's one possible way to do this:
"CHUBBY TODD
I’ll bet he did. Harry would say he saw a giant crocodile or one of them giant turtles down there if it’d get him off nights."
4.) Re: the following:
"CLOSE ON THE CABLE BUNDLE – as the worker examines it. Something has CHEWED THROUGH them.
ON THE WORKER – confused.
CHUBBY TODD
That’s weird… it looks like something chewed through these.
POV – from further down the tunnel, something is watching the worker as he examines the cables. The POV looks strange, the edges of the frame blurred and ultra wide angled, like a fish eye lens.
CHUBBY TODD (CONT’D)
(to Scared Carl above)
Hey, you should come check this out! It’s bizarre!"
This doesn't quite feel right. I would think that finding cables chewed by various animals or insects would be a pretty common sight for these guys. It would probably work better if it was played less "spooky" (because we already have the spooky "mutant POV" going on) and more disgusted. Here's what I mean:
"CLOSE ON THE CABLE BUNDLE – as the worker examines it. Something has CHEWED THROUGH them.
ON THE WORKER – pissed off.
CHUBBY TODD
Oh, man -- danged rats are at it again. Sure wish that Stockman guy's gizmos had worked out...
POV – from further down the tunnel, something is watching the worker as he examines the cables. The POV looks strange, the edges of the frame blurred and ultra wide angled, like a fish eye lens.
CHUBBY TODD (CONT’D)
(to Scared Carl above)
Carl? Get down here, and bring the [insert appropriate repair hardware/equipment here] with you."
5.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
(sighs)
Come on… I want to make one more stop up top… there’s a junkyard where I’ve found some good stuff before. We can take the sub sewers – we should avoid the Foot down there."
The "sub sewers" bit threw me -- for a moment I thought he was talking about routes that they used the Shell Sub in. I would delete this line -- "We can take the sub sewers – we should avoid the Foot down there" -- for that reason and the fact that it's really kind of superfluous.
6.) Re: the following:
"EXT. AREA 51 – BISHOP’S BASE – NIGHT
Re-estrablish."
VERY minor point, i.e. the misspelling of "establish". But it occurs to me that you could split that intriguing word "estrablish" in half and come up with a cool name for a character: "Estra Blish".
7.) I may be missing something, but -- how is it that Stockman can make a great, working body for Bishop, but he CAN'T do it for himself?
8.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
I’m gonna have to get back to you on that!"
Don doesn't say "gonna".
9.) Re: the following:
"HIGH ANGLE – the tendril hits the tunnel ledge. It sits for a half second, then little MINI-TENDRILS grow out of it, and the severed limb skitters away.
WIDE ON THE TICKS, who begin <SHRIEKING> as well.
The remaining Earwig (2) LEAPS at Leo, but Don KNOCKS it back with his bo staff in a powerful blow.
ON THE EARWIG (2) – as it <SMACKS> up against the tunnel wall. It begins to DISSOLVE, ooze coming from every joint, finally falling to the ground as it disintegrates."
Logic question: Why is it that the cut-off tendril grows "legs" and runs away, but the earwig disintegrates? Doesn't seem to make sense.
10.) Re: the following:
"DONATELLO
It’s intelligent… bugs, fish, that rat… now a human…"
This line doesn't work for me. I think we need something to indicate that this is a NEW and more horrible variation on what they have seen so far -- a MERGING of different species into one, now including human life as well as animal and insect. And Don's comment that "It's intelligent" may be true, but for all we -- and he -- know, even though they don't SPEAK, the other mutated forms may ALSO be intelligent.
11.) Re: the following:
"STOCKMAN (OC, CONT’D)
The mutagen is… it seems to be moving up the food chain – it’s as if the DNA itself is intelligent… "
"Mutagen" is a great word, but because it has already been so tied in with the ooze that transformed the Turtles, I suggest that we find another word to use here, so as not to engender confusion.
12.) Re: the following:
"STOCKMAN
The initial outbreak… perhaps. I need to study one of the creatures… find out how it spread. If it spreads by contact… well, it’s truly fascinating.
ON BISHOP
BISHOP
And if it IS spread by contact?
STOCKMAN (OC)
Then contamination is inevitable."
I hope we are not painting ourselves into a conceptual corner here. I know that we have plans to make Don change, from the wound he receives from one of the creatures. But if we DO establish that mere CONTACT can initiate mutation, then ALL of the Turtles should change. IN fact, given all of the physical contact they are having with these mutants and the VERY likely chance that they ALL have gotten at LEAST slightly scratched during these fierce battles, then they should ALL mutate. Which we don't want, so I think we need to come up with a good "mutation vector" analysis.
Also, we need a reason why Don doesn't turn into a mutant monster right away (as the cable guy did), and here's a possible explanation -- the Utrom mutagen in his body acted as a retarding agent to the effects of this "alien" goop.
13.) Re: the following:
"ANGLE ON THE ROACH, who goes skidding back across the sewer floor. Half of the roach begins dissolving like a wax statue, the other half remaining in tact. Its legs slip and slide as it rights itself, then skitters away down a tunnel."
I feel like we're losing it here. These may be fun visuals, but why does one half dissolve and the other run away? Makes no logical sense that I can see.
14.) Re: the following:
"CAMERA PANS DOWN TO DON’S BANDAGE. A small stream of alien OOZE is seeping out from under the bandage."
I think we're "gilding the lily" here with the "stream of alien ooze" seeping out from under his bandage. It's too much, and crudely telegraphs what is to come.
-- Pete
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