Saturday, March 23, 2013

Blast from the Past #625: July 12, 2003: comments on Ep. 42 first draft, July 15, 2003: Re: Turtle Tunnelers, and July 16, 2003: Re: More models

Subj: comments on Ep. 42 first draft
Date: Saturday, July 12, 2003 11:53:06 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


I know you told me you had a lot of problems with this draft of Ep. 42, but I figured I should give you my comments anyway.

1.) Line 16: Suggest changing "maybe" to "perhaps" in Karai's line.

2.) Line 34: "Alright" is not a word. Replace with "all right".

3.) Line 35: Suggest taking out "in my shell" in Leo's line.

4.) Line 41: Suggest changing Don's line here to "There seems to be one thing missing from this equation -- what's in it for us?"

5.) I don't care for Karai's lines 42 and 43. In 42, she says "You can rid your streets of all gangsters and gang members" which goes way beyond anything in this story -- the only factions fighting here are the Foot, the Mob, and the Purple Dragons, which surely do not constitute all of the gang activity in NYC. And line 43 is silly and in this context -- where she is trying to offer something appealing to the Turtles so that they will help her willingly -- kinda stupid. I would take out lines 43, 44, and 45 altogether.

6.) Re: line 47 -- something more is needed here to indicate that Karai is offering a truce -- peace between the Foot and the Turtles.

7.) Line 50: I don't buy that Don reacts this way -- I would think that he could more easily see the advantages to the situation than, say, Leo, who would be more conflicted. (Remember, Don is the one who in another episode tried to get everyone else to see what HE saw, the connection between the Shredder and their origin.)

8.) Lines 81 and 82 -- this bit with Mike throwing his arms around the "Shredder" and giving him a big hug seems really dopey and pointless to me.

9.) Lines 83 and 84 are just... BAD.

10.) Leo's line(s) in 91 are weird. "We've been fighting the Shredder all our lives"? Huh? I thought they just MET the Shredder a few months ago. "It's what "we do"." No, I don't think so.

11.) Just a moment to fact check (re: Hun's line 104) -- neither Hun nor any of the Foot actually SAW the Shredder "die", right?

12.) The Elite's line 104 doesn't seem to make any sense. And would an Elite refer to the Shredder as "the Shredder" as opposed to "our Master"?

13. Re: line 111: I think one Sicily gag is plenty.

14.) The Elite's line 113 seems kind of silly and isn't really necessary.

15.) In the beginning of Act Four, the Turtles and their allies just stand there while their foes prepare to shoot at them. Why?

16.) The bit around line 131 with the Foot ninjas "mysteriously" being knocked down and/or thrown into the air is just SILLY. I mean, who ELSE would we expect to have thrown that sai? We KNOW it's Raph, and so will the audience.

17.) In line 139, Karai says to the Elite "You owe your fealty to me!" Why? Should she say something to explain this?

18.) I think Karai may say "turtleman" or "turtlemen" a few too many times in this script.

19.) Just before line 157, the word "Aides" does not need an apostrophe.

-- Pete


Subj: Re: Turtle Tunneler
Date: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 1:51:22 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 7/14/03 11:49:48 AM, Lloyd writes:

<< Hey Pete -

FYI, I like the last TurtleTunneler design - it looks like a kick-ass,
heavy-duty digging machine.  We're running out of time on the TurtleTunneler
design.  Board artists are starting THIS week and as yet do not have an
approved model to draw from.  Pretty soon we're going to just have to pick

Lemme know how you want to proceed!

Lloyd >>


Are you referring to Ver. 3 -- the one that looks kind of like a puppy?

Have you seen any of the drawings that Jim did? If not, we'll have to fax them to you.

My main problem with this thing -- and I'll admit up front that it is probably not solveable, at least to my satisfaction -- is that the concept of a vehicle which can tunnel through miles of solid rock in the way that we want this thing to (fast!) is pretty ludicrous without the inclusion of some extremely advanced (way more advanced than anything on Earth right now) technology. And the idea that the Turtles can build such a thing strains almost to the breaking point whatever sense of logic or "realism" we have worked to achieve in our show.

That being said, I understand the need to settle on a design, and we WILL do so this week.

-- Pete


Subj: Turtle Tunnelers
Date: Tuesday, July 15, 2003 3:13:30 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


To try to expedite matters, I have scanned ten of Jim's sketches of the Turtle Tunneler and will attach two of them to the following five emails. Hopefully they will inspire ideas and we can come up with a good solution.

I think designs 2, 3, 4 and 5 are the most "practical" designs. However, I think version 1 is probably the coolest and most unusual. But if I had to chose one design from this group, I would probably pick 2 -- it's unusual (I like that one large rear wheel) and "practical".

Actually, I just gave them another look and "mutated" 2 and 3 together, to make version 11, which I like.

Let me know what you think!

-- Pete


Subj: Re: More models
Date: Wednesday, July 16, 2003 2:46:14 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 7/15/03 10:34:30 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Hey Pete!

We sent more models your way today, including (most importantly) a
revised TurtleTunneler rough (more armored).  Lemme know your thoughts
on that ASAP.  Also, any specific direction on how you see the vehicle
working would be helpful to Chuck (and re: Gary's e-mail, while I think
it's a clever idea to use the crystals, I think it's too late to work
that into the script and I think it confuses the issue of the crystals,
what we're gonna do with theem, and how scarce they are).>>


While I will bow to your estimation that there is no way to work a crystals explanation into this episode, I wonder if we shouldn't keep that idea in our back pocket just in case (a) we use the Tunneler again, and (b) have given no other reasonable explanation as to how it works, and (c) we've determined that the Turtles have access to more of the crystals. That being said, I think it should in no way be a physical drill (i.e. cutting through rock by grinding against it) but instead some kind of directed energy beam thing (light, sound, particle, etc.).

As for the other models, I like Stockman bot Version one (big surprise there!), and the two aides are fine, although I am still wondering what if anything is going to be done with their clothing vis a vis black/white/opposites as mentioned in one or more of my earlier emails.

<<Also, according to George, we're waiting on notes from you on 44
outline, 45 outline, and the Christmas episode profiles.


Lloyd >>

Hmm... according to my email records, I sent you a few comments on the two outlines in an email on Friday titled "Re: Models and such". Below are my outline comments from that email:

"Comments on outline for Ep. 45/"The Stanley Cup"

1.) I think it would be funnier if, instead of having Mike trying to force chips and snacks through the slits in his goalie's mask, he has customized it so there's a little food slot that flips up when he pulls a string or a lever or something.

2.) I wonder if instead of blasters or railguns or lasers, the cowboys could have "cold"-related weapons (to go along with the ice hockey theme), which might shoot icicles, freezing water, snowballs, etc. Actually, I just had a related thought that might ramp the surrealism aspect of this wacky story a bit higher -- what if the "cowboys" are actually from Alaska (instead of Texas -- and it's a larger state, anyway). Maybe they're Eskimos! And their boss could still be an oil baron (lots of oil in Alaska).

3.) It would seem that a key problem with the "sting" that our heroes want to put on the bad guys is that by setting it up as an ostensible sale of the stolen Stanley Cup to the crooks, the Turtles and Casey could be seen as just as guilty as the crooks. Maybe there could be some way to structure it so that the Turtles and Casey could lead the crooks to believe that they (the Turtles and Casey) are planning to secretly replace the Stanley Cup in its place of honor in the hockey stadium, thus leading the crooks to believe that they have another chance to steal it.


Comments on outline for Episode 44/"April's Artifact"

1.) The only real comment I have on this one is that the feel of it is pretty close to the "Tales of the TMNT" comic story where the Turtles go back to prehistoric/dino times with the timestress Renet and do battle with the evil sorcerer Savanti Romero... and as I think it would be fun to do that comic story with those characters at some point, I would suggest changing all of the dinosaurs in this tale to weird monstrous creatures which might be seen in another dimension.
Actually, just thought of another comment -- maybe, instead of the Mage revealing himself as evil in the end, he is instead accidentally overwhelmed by the power of the hidden knowledge he has sought, which causes him to become megalomaniacal, but the Turtles save him from himself through whatever means necessary."

I will try to get to the Christmas episode stuff in the next couple of days.

-- Pete

1 comment:

  1. RE: Jim Lawson Designs...

    The instant I saw that design in the show, I still thought 'Hey, the Turtles have a transport Module! Cool!" Not sure if that was intended, or if it just came about as a natural progression of story. But considering all the tech seen in the show up to that point, I didn't even think it was bizarre that don had created something so advanced as a light drill.

    BTW, #5 is my favorite, if only because it is a cooler updated/more detailed version of the original. But I probably would have gone with number one or two. the rest remind me of a modified Batmobile ;o)..Not that that's a bad thing!