Blast from the Past #436: September 30, 2004: comments on Ep. 95 ("Outbreak") first draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 95 ("Outbreak") first draft
Date: Thursday, September 30, 2004 1:38:00 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 95 first draft.


1.) Re: the following::

"WIDE – Both tables rise, bringing both Bishops side by side.  The wires from both Bishops’ heads are converging in a central machine, a conduit for the transfer. "

I think it is worth noting that we are establishing that Bishop and Stockman possess and are using a VERY powerful technology -- something which allows the transfer of consciousness from one body to another. This is no small feat, and could have large repercussions later on. I bring it up to raise this question -- is it too much? Or should we have Bishop's consciousness be transferred to his clone bodies by an actual, physical brain transplant?


2.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Hopefully some decent parts for motion detectors will comes our way.  I’d like to get the reservoir secure sooner than later."

Two things here. FIrst, I think it should be "come" and not "comes". And it seems a bit odd for Don to refer to their new digs as "the reservoir", not least because unless I am mistaken, they are not staying in the reservoir but in the pump house. I would replace "the reservoir" with "the new lair".


3.) Re: the following:

"CHUBBY TODD
I’ll bet he did.  Harry would say he saw a giant crocodile down there if it’d get him off nights."

Nothing wrong with this line, but as I read it I thought this might be a good place to have one of these guys offhandedly refer to the Turtles in much the same "urban legendary" way as giant crocodiles in the sewers. It stands to reason that after all these years in NYC, the Turtles would have been glimpsed by various sewer or electrical workers and gained that kind of mythic status. Here's one possible way to do this:

"CHUBBY TODD
I’ll bet he did.  Harry would say he saw a giant crocodile or one of them giant turtles down there if it’d get him off nights."

4.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON THE CABLE BUNDLE – as the worker examines it.  Something has CHEWED THROUGH them.
ON THE WORKER – confused.
CHUBBY TODD
That’s weird… it looks like something chewed through these.
POV – from further down the tunnel, something is watching the worker as he examines the cables.  The POV looks strange, the edges of the frame blurred and ultra wide angled, like a fish eye lens.
CHUBBY TODD (CONT’D)
(to Scared Carl above)
Hey, you should come check this out!  It’s bizarre!"

This doesn't quite feel right. I would think that finding cables chewed by various animals or insects would be a pretty common sight for these guys. It would probably work better if it was played less "spooky" (because we already have the spooky "mutant POV" going on) and more disgusted. Here's what I mean:

"CLOSE ON THE CABLE BUNDLE – as the worker examines it.  Something has CHEWED THROUGH them.
ON THE WORKER – pissed off.
CHUBBY TODD
Oh, man -- danged rats are at it again. Sure wish that Stockman guy's gizmos had worked out...
POV – from further down the tunnel, something is watching the worker as he examines the cables.  The POV looks strange, the edges of the frame blurred and ultra wide angled, like a fish eye lens.
CHUBBY TODD (CONT’D)
(to Scared Carl above)
Carl? Get down here, and bring the [insert appropriate repair hardware/equipment here] with you."


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
(sighs)
Come on… I want to make one more stop up top… there’s a junkyard where I’ve found some good stuff before.  We can take the sub sewers – we should avoid the Foot down there."

The "sub sewers" bit threw me -- for a moment I thought he was talking about routes that they used the Shell Sub in. I would delete this line -- "We can take the sub sewers – we should avoid the Foot down there" -- for that reason and the fact that it's really kind of superfluous.


6.) Re: the following:

"EXT. AREA 51 – BISHOP’S BASE – NIGHT
Re-estrablish."

VERY minor point, i.e. the misspelling of "establish". But it occurs to me that you could split that intriguing word "estrablish" in half and come up with a cool name for a character: "Estra Blish".


7.) I may be missing something, but -- how is it that Stockman can make a great, working body for Bishop, but he CAN'T do it for himself?


8.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’m gonna have to get back to you on that!"

Don doesn't say "gonna".


9.) Re: the following:

"HIGH ANGLE – the tendril hits the tunnel ledge.  It sits for a half second, then little MINI-TENDRILS grow out of it, and the severed limb skitters away.
WIDE ON THE TICKS, who begin <SHRIEKING> as well.
The remaining Earwig (2) LEAPS at Leo, but Don KNOCKS it back with his bo staff in a powerful blow.
ON THE EARWIG (2) – as it <SMACKS> up against the tunnel wall.  It begins to DISSOLVE, ooze coming from every joint, finally falling to the ground as it disintegrates."

Logic question: Why is it that the cut-off tendril grows "legs" and runs away, but the earwig disintegrates? Doesn't seem to make sense.


10.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
It’s intelligent… bugs, fish, that rat… now a human…"

This line doesn't work for me. I think we need something to indicate that this is a NEW and more horrible variation on what they have seen so far -- a MERGING of different species into one, now including human life as well as animal and insect. And Don's comment that "It's intelligent" may be true, but for all we -- and he -- know, even though they don't SPEAK, the other mutated forms may ALSO be intelligent.


11.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (OC, CONT’D)
The mutagen is… it seems to be moving up the food chain – it’s as if the DNA itself is intelligent…  "

"Mutagen" is a great word, but because it has already been so tied in with the ooze that transformed the Turtles, I suggest that we find another word to use here, so as not to engender confusion.


12.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
The initial outbreak… perhaps.  I need to study one of the creatures… find out how it spread.  If it spreads by contact… well, it’s truly fascinating.
ON BISHOP
BISHOP
And if it IS spread by contact?
STOCKMAN (OC)
Then contamination is inevitable."

I hope we are not painting ourselves into a conceptual corner here. I know that we have plans to make Don change, from the wound he receives from one of the creatures. But if we DO establish that mere CONTACT can initiate mutation, then ALL of the Turtles should change. IN fact, given all of the physical contact they are having with these mutants and the VERY likely chance that they ALL have gotten at LEAST slightly scratched during these fierce battles, then they should ALL mutate. Which we don't want, so I think we need to come up with a good "mutation vector" analysis.
Also, we need a reason why Don doesn't turn into a mutant monster right away (as the cable guy did), and here's a possible explanation -- the Utrom mutagen in his body acted as a retarding agent to the effects of this "alien" goop.


13.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON THE ROACH, who goes skidding back across the sewer floor.  Half of the roach begins dissolving like a wax statue, the other half remaining in tact.  Its legs slip and slide as it rights itself, then skitters away down a tunnel."

I feel like we're losing it here. These may be fun visuals, but why does one half dissolve and the other run away? Makes no logical sense that I can see.


14.) Re: the following:

"CAMERA PANS DOWN TO DON’S BANDAGE.  A small stream of alien OOZE is seeping out from under the bandage."

I think we're "gilding the lily" here with the "stream of alien ooze" seeping out from under his bandage. It's too much, and crudely telegraphs what is to come.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #435: September 29, 2004: comments on Ep. 96 ("The Trouble With Augie"), comments on Ep. 98 ("Return of Savanti Romero Part 1") outline, comment on flying Shrednaughts

Subj: comments on Ep. 96 ("The Trouble With Augie") first draft
Date: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 2:11:03 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 96 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"PUSH IN SLOWLY on the O’Neil Family Portrait (NOTE: NEW VERSION includes April’s older sister) hanging on the wall of the shop. "

Because this family portrait is a "new version", let's make it an all-new photo, with new poses, so it doesn't look like we've retroactively changed to original family photo from "April's Artifact". This one could be more of a candid instead of a posed studio portrait.


2.) Re: the following:

"APRIL
Are you alright? "

One of my pet peeves -- there is no such word as "alright".  And it's used a lot in this script. Grrr.... that's not all right.


3.) Re: the following:

"ROBYN (CONT’D)
Are you alright, April?  You seem quieter than usual.
APRIL
I’m alright.  It’s just been a tough few months.  All my friends used to be around – now I barely get to see them."

In addition to being bad form, the use of "alright" twice in the space of three lines is way too much. At least one of these instances should be replaced with "okay" or "fine" or some such.


4.) Re: the following:

"ROBYN
Is this about those guys that you’re always talking about? "

This is a curious line. It implies that April talks to her sister about the Turtles a lot, even if she doesn't reveal that they are mutant turtle ninjas. Does this make any sense?
It's also curious that there is no follow-up to this line -- April just ignores it!

5.) Re: the following:

"ROBYN (O.C.)
You used to talk about that Casey guy a lot.  Is he your boyfriend?  You still seeing him?
APRIL
Can we talk about something else?
ROBYN (O.C.)
Sorry, didn’t mean to pry."

I don't get why April doesn't want to talk about Casey. In fact, I don't get most of this conversation, which is really overly stiff and morose. I would think that at the very least, April would be jazzed to see her sister, even if she is bummed that she hasn't seen the Turtles a lot recently.


6.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON APRIL’S FACE – staring at the computer monitor. 
PUSH IN ON THE MONITOR – with more numbers and symbols.
APRIL (O.C.)
This is no virus. "

I know April is really bright and all, but it seems a pretty big leap for her to say "This is no virus" after a few seconds of looking at the screen. Maybe instead she should say something like "This is no virus... at least not one I've ever seen before."


7.) Re: the following:

"ESTABLISHING SHOT.  Michelangelo sits on a cushion – watching television and struggling to reach the last chip out of a can of Pringles.  PAN ACROSS TO – Donatello, wearing his work goggles, working on something on his table in front of the big “Green Brothers” moving van."

Uh... did I miss something? Where and when did the Turtles get this "big “Green Brothers” moving van"?


8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Where’s all your equipment, Don?
DONATELLO 
I moved most of it into the moving van.  Figure it can be our new mobile command unit.
ON DONATELLO AND RAPHAEL.
DONATELLO (CONT’D)
I’ll move the rest of my equipment in there after I fix the Battle Shell that Raph wrecked."

This exchange seems like a painfully clunky way to establish that Don is tricking out this moving van (and where did that come from again?) as a mobile command center, and also really doesn't make any sense. Why would Don move ALL of his equipment into the van? Is he planning to spend most of his time in the van and not in the lair?


9.) Re: the following:

"TELEVISION REPORTER (O.C.)
We have reports - and these are being confirmed - that a mutant fish attacked an apartment complex by coming out through the toilet bowl."

I have to admit I laughed out loud at this one, though probably not for the reason the writer intended. No, what I laughed at was the notion of an apartment complex with ONE toilet, and the fact that ONE mutant fish attacked that whole complex. Here's how I would change that so it wasn't unintentionally funny:


"TELEVISION REPORTER (O.C.)
We have reports that a mutant fish attacked the residents of an East Side apartment by coming out through the toilet bowl."


10.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Another mutant from the outbreak.  Come on, Raph.  We better go check it out."

Minor grammar point -- I think Leo should/would say "We'd better..."


11.) There is perhaps a logic problem with the fact that while April's computer is "going haywire" (to use her words), she can still use it to send email to Don. Perhaps we should establish that she CAN'T do that, and in fact is using ANOTHER computer (a laptop) to send Don the email.


12.) Re: the following:

"Donatello’s screen starts to display the symbols and gibberish from April’s computer.
PREVIOUS – Donatello’s eyes narrow as he stares at the screen.  
DONATELLO
It looks like static or gibberish, but it’s coded in a repeating pattern.  "

Here's a question -- are these symbols similar to the ones the Turtles became familiar with during their "April's Artifact" adventure? If so, perhaps Don could refer to that here, even if it's just something like "Hmm... there's something familiar about these symbols."


13.) Re: the following:

"APRIL
Uncle Augie is in trouble!"

Well -- DUH!!! I don't know why, exactly, but this line from April seems to be really dumb in the "stating the incredibly obvious" vein. I really don't think we need it -- a close up on April's concerned face might be all we need here.


14.) Re: the following:

"ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. APRIL’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Robyn sits on the couch watching television.  April sneaks out the front door. 


INT. APRIL’S SHOP – CONT’D
April walks in and joins Donatello at the counter.  Donatello holds his work bag and stares at his Tech Tab. "

The bit with April sneaking out of the apartment and leaving Robyn watching TV made me scratch my head a little, as it seemed completely pointless. Then I realized that the writer was trying to let us set up a scenario that would allow April and Don to work uninterrupted in the antique shop. I think it could be done better with just a line of two of dialogue between April and Don, something like Don asks April where her sister is and April says something like "Oh, she's jetlagged from her trip -- she'll be sleeping 'til tomorrow" or "She's glued to the couch watching (her favorite TV show or movie)".


15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
The message must have come through your dimensional artifact and jammed into the nearest computer.  "

That has got to be the WORST bit of technobabble I've ever read. "Jammed into the nearest computer"? Sounds like what happens when a stick gets into your bicycle's spokes. A simple (though not necessarily best) fix might be as follows:


"DONATELLO
The message must have come through your dimensional artifact and been received by the nearest computer."


Or if we want to be even a little more nerdy:


"DONATELLO
The message must have come through your dimensional artifact and been received by the nearest WI-FI-equipped computer."


16.) Re: the following:

"ON APRIL – as she goes behind the counter and pulls out a box.  
APRIL
Then I’m using those coordinates to go save Uncle Augie.
CLOSE ON THE BOX – as April sets the box on the counter and then opens the box, revealing the dimensional transport artifact."

I appreciate that April loves her Uncle Augie and wants to help him, but the way she is approaching it is really dopey. Basically, she's going into an unknown situation and environment with ZERO preparation. She doesn't take any supplies, food, weapons, etc..  Lame.

17.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (O.C.)
April, the message might be fake or wrong."

I'm glad this line is in here, though I think it could be expanded upon a bit -- especially the part about being "wrong" -- i.e. incomplete. 


18.) Re: the following:

"ON APRIL AND DONATELLO – as the glowing grows and <SWOOSHES> over April and Donatello.  They disappear – leaving the artifact behind to fall on the ground."

My memory of how it worked in "April's Artifact" may be a little shaky  -- but if the artifact doesn't go WITH you when you use it, and Don knows this (or at least he SHOULD), aren't they taking a HUGE leap of faith that they will find another artifact which can send them back home?
And the more I think on it, the more ridiculous it seems that the artifact doesn't go with you when you use it -- that's a pretty poorly-engineered interdimensional travel device!

19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
April, I’m not letting you go alone on something like this.  We’re in this together.  "

Something about this bugged me, and after a while I realized what is was -- and that was the fact that Don doesn't even suggest that they get one or more of the other Turtles to go with them. I think we need to do something to establish that both April and Don think there isn't time enough to get the other guys together to go on this mission.


20.) Re: the following:

"COUNSELOR (CONT’D)
You have nothing to fear here.  We are the Brotherhood and we have built our civilization on the advancements of Peace and Love and Brotherhood.  
ON DONATELLO AND APRIL – following behind.
DONATELLO
That’s good.  Cause I’d hate to see you guys angry and full of hate."

Don's line is sort of funny, but it is really more of a Mikey line. I think it's also unnecessary (as in obvious), and we should lose it.


21.) If the big Transport Artifact isn't actually BROKEN -- Augie just doesn't have the coordinates for Earth -- why don't the lizard guys have him transport them to some OTHER world to plunder? Is Earth the ONLY destination they're interested in? If so, why?


22.) Re: the following:

"BROTHERHOOD WARRIOR
I am sorry, but this is the central food storage for our entire civilization.  It is a restricted area."

This line cracked me up. Must be a pretty small civilization if their central food storage can be contained in one building.


23.) Re: the following:

"HIGH ANGLE ON THE DOUBLE DOORWAY – as the four Brotherhood warriors stand guard.  Donatello climbs upside-down on the ceiling past them."

Let's keep in mind here that Don is a mutant turtle -- NOT Spider-Man.


24.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ON SEVERAL WOODEN BARRIERS – blocking the path of the railway.  The word FORBIDDEN is crudely written on the barriers.  The out-of-control monorail car RACES INTO FRAME – and <SHATTERS> the barriers into pieces.
WIDE ON THE MONORAIL CAR – as it sails through the barriers and down a steep decline on the railway.  
ON THE END OF THE MONORAIL TRACK.  A rubber safety barrier marks the end of the line – the out-of-control monorail car RACES INTO FRAME and <COLLIDES> with the safety barrier, sending the monorail car hurtling through the air.
WIDE ON THE GROUND – as the monorail car <CRASH LANDS> and skids to a stop.  
CLOSE ON THE MONORAIL CAR – as Uncle Augie, April, and Donatello gingerly climb out.  
DONATELLO
At least we stuck the landing. "

This whole action sequence is more than a little bit preposterous (why is there a "steep decline" near the end of the railway?) and the violence with which the car leaves the track, flies through the air, and crash-lands makes it seem unlikely that our heroes would just climb out "gingerly" but apparently uninjured.


25.) Re: the following:

"UNCLE AUGIE
The Brotherhood call this place the “Bone Yard”.  They never come in here. We should be safe."

Uh-huh. And Uncle Augie knows this, and has no suspicions about the Brotherhood? What a dimwit.


26.) Re: the following:

"UNCLE AUGIE
I should’ve seen that the Brotherhood was evil.  But bringing Peace and Love to Earth… Cures for diseases… It all seemed so beautiful.  "

So far, we've not seen Uncle Augie say or do ANYTHING that would lend credence to his claim that "I should’ve seen that the Brotherhood was evil". I think this bit needs to be rewritten to show that he WAS completely fooled by them, and that his regret now is because of that, and that the main reason he was fooled is that he was blinded by the possibility that he could bring all these wonderful things to Earth.


27.) Re: the following:

"ZODAT (O.C.) (CONT’D)
To prevent them from traveling to other dimensions, we have destroyed the book of coordinates.  That should trap them here on our world."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry... but... "the book of coordinates"? In this hyper-evolved super-technological world? I am suddenly reminded of one of the absolute WORST moments ever in a STAR TREK film, when Uhura drags out a bunch of old, printed-on-paper BOOKS to find the right Klingon phrases in an emergency. Maybe we should just have them say "We purged all other-dimensional coordinate files from our databases" or something like that.


28.) Re: the following:

"ON APRIL – as she runs at the corner of the wall, then uses her legs to run up the wall (Jackie Chan move – see Rush Hour)."

Oh. My. God. Please... somebody delete this incredibly ludicrous bit.


29.) Re: the following:

"WIDER ON THE CITY STREETS – as holographic images of Zodats appear on the streets.  "

This is a clever gag to confuse and frighten the Brotherhood. The problem is there is no decent setup for it. I think the simple solution is that back in the scene where Don access the display and we get the recent history of the Zodats, we actually have a seemingly computer-generated holographic Zodat appear standing next to the display, telling the story. That way, we at least establish that these systems are capable of projecting 3D holographic images of Zodats on the streets, so it doesn't look quite so much like Don pulling this amazing feat out of nowhere.


-- Pete

---------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 98  ("Return of Savanti Romero Part 1") outline
Date: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 2:12:05 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 98 outline.


1.) Bishop seems to be very passive with Stockman in this episode, putting up with his tirades without comment. I think that is out of character for Bishop.


2.) Re: the following:

"We see Stockman in his lab with a soldering mask on.  He’s soldering something that seems to be right in his lap.  Sparks are flying."

A minor point, but -- I don't think there is such a thing as a "soldering mask", and soldering doesn't throw off sparks. I think what the writer means is a WELDING mask.


3.) Re: the following:

"Stockman gets up to try out his new leg.  It works like a charm.  But then, his other leg falls off."

I think here we've crossed over into "stupid".


4.) Re: the following:

"Stockman is at the lab, clutching his head in agony.  He’s never looked worse: his decomposing flesh is stitched together with metal staples and green waste oozes from open sores.  The twisted metal of makeshift limbs jet out from empty arm sockets."

I'll reserve final judgment until I get to the end of this outline, but with this description of Stockman's condition, I think we are getting into really silly territory. I mean, as egotistical as Stockman is, don't you think he would go back to his "brain in a jar" setup if his new body had deteriorated to this point? That way he could start form scratch instead of stumbling around in this rotting monstrosity.


5.) Re: the following:

"Stockman: “That’s when I met my problem!  The reason for all of this!  I know who to blame!  And they’ll pay!  They’ll pay with their life!”"

I think he means to say that they will pay with their LIVES.


6.) Re: the following:

"Suddenly there’s a loud, desperate banging noise in the lair—the Turtles are surprised—someone’s planning on coming in through the secret entrance! But who?!  They’re not expecting any visitors!


But the noise is getting louder and louder.  More and more desperate.  The Turtles ready themselves for anything.


Then, Casey bursts through the door.  He’s been beaten up.  Badly."

Where exactly is this "secret entrance"? Above ground? Underground? I think we really need to get to work designing this new "hiding in plain sight" lair.


7.) Re: the following:

"Stockman has got April flung over his shoulder and is navigating through the back allies of New York. "

I think it's "alleys", not "allies", but anyway -- where is Stockman going? Back to the helicopter so he can return to the Area 51 base to perform this operation, it would seem. So... where did he land the helicopter? How far away is it? 
I know this probably seems like I'm obsessing over minor details, but I think if we set this up properly, we won't have yet another instance of the Turtles looking for somebody in this huge city and conveniently finding them in minutes. My suggestion would be to have Casey and April SEE Stockman land the helicopter (perhaps nearby -- or on top of -- the Second Time Around shop) and then try to escape on Casey's motorcycle... unsuccessfully, for although they get a few miles away, Stockman catches up to them and the fight ensues in which Casey got beat up. THEN... Stockman grabs April and starts hauling her back to the helicopter... and thus Casey can give the Turtles some direction when they go after Stockman. (None of this needs to be SHOWN, but a few lines from Casey when he comes to the new lair could set it up.)

8.) Re: the following:

"Stockman is out of rockets but starts following her hand over hand on the cable.  Stockman bursts into the gondola and now April is really cornered …


April puts up a good fight …


… but Stockman overwhelms her and is again about to begin the new body transference with a piece of his cyborg-ness (the laser torch and some sharp surgery-ish tools). "

I think we need to be clear on the difference between being mad/insane and being STUPID. Stockman is the former, but not the latter. He CAN'T be, if -- for example -- he is capable of building himself this cyborg monster body. And I don't think he would be stupid enough to try to start the operation on April in these circumstances, without all the key support technologies to ensure that April's body (not to mention his brain) doesn't die during the operation. And it's not even necessary for this scene -- it's scary enough that he's still trying to get her.


9.) Re: the following:

"But, the Turtles are coming up the cable trying to get to the gondola car now hanging high over the East River.  Using their ninjitsu skills of balance and acrobatics, they manage to get along the cable almost running (flipping and somersaulting in a very precise and dangerous high-wire act)."

I think we must play this VERY carefully -- seems like another episode of "super ninja" to me. If there is any way for them to get to the gondola without doing this high wire act, I think we should use it. One thought that just occurred to me -- and I'm not sure if it would work into the structure of the story -- would be to have Don jump into Stockman's black ops helicopter and use that to fly them all out to the gondola. Actually, the more I think about it, that could be a really cool frenetic scene -- Don flies the other three Turtles out to the gondola, then keeps circling in the helicopter while they fight Stockman, desperately angling for an opportunity to get April into the helicopter so he can fly her to safety. (I keep seeing that scene from "True Lies".)


10.) Casey seems to disappear after he and the Turtles confront Stockman in the alley. Where'd he go?


-- Pete

--------------------------


Subj: flying Shrednaughts
Date: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 7:53:11 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I went back and checked and indeed there was a later "Revised Final Draft" of Ep. 93 which does indeed have flying Shrednaughts. I still don't think they should fly, and I have to say I am a little concerned that a substantial and unexpected change like this can find its way into a "final" draft. I guess I should start paying more attention to these "finals".


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #434: September 28, 2004: comments on second draft of Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son")

Subj: comments on second draft of Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son")
Date: Tuesday, September 28, 2004 10:18:01 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 94 second draft.


1.) Although it is now somewhat improved, I'm still not loving the "Leo vs. two Shrednaughts" bit. I will say again that I do not want Leo to be "Super Leo" now -- he does have some new skills after his training with the Ancient One, but let's not forget that the important thing from his sojourn with the Ancient One was that his soul was healed.


2.) Re: the following:

"*P.P. FOOT NINJA
We just received a report…  The two units stationed in the lair were destroyed.  We found signs of damage from double katana.  (PRON. “kah-tah-nah” all even in stress).
CLOSE ON- A wicked smile comes to Karai’s face.
*KARAI
Excellent.  I can finally eliminate Leonardo…  Deploy all available Foot Ninja.  Leave no part of this city un-searched.  I want him brought to me alive, if possible… not alive … just as good."

I get the feeling -- by the way she is described here (a "wicked smile") -- that if Karai had a handlebar mustache, she'd be twirling the ends of it. Why, when she just tried to wipe out the Turtles when she attacked the lair, does she now want Leo brought to her alive if possible? And why is the destruction of two Shrednaughts and their human pilots "excellent"? I would think she would be pissed that they were lost. And let's lose the "wicked smile" -- she should be DEAD SERIOUS.


3.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO (O.C.)
Who else in New York is gonna have a footprint like this besides a mutant turtle…"

Leo doesn't say "gonna".


4.) Re: the following:

"*ANGLE DOWN WIDE ON- Leonardo studies more motorcycle tracks, which curve and lead under elevated (subway) tracks.
Leonardo looks up.
*LEONARDO’S POV- Above a train <SCREECHES> by.
*LEONARDO (CONT’D)
… the D train … Uptown… 
Leonardo looks back down.  
PUSH IN ON- Leonardo looks surprised.
*LEONARDO’S POV- of Raphael’s helmet sitting on the ground.
Leonardo <RUSHES> to the helmet, PICKING IT UP off the ground.
Leonardo studies the helmet."

Maybe the writer intended something different, but the way this is written it seems like Raph's helmet magically appears on the ground while Leo glances away. Otherwise, why didn't he see it the FIRST time he was looking down?


5.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER- Leonardo <CROUCHES> ninja style as the three Foot Ninja <RUN> out of FRAME.
CLOSE ON- Leonardo’s eyes shift and look.
*LEONARDOS POV- Barely visible through overgrown vines, and greenery, is a door.
*Leonardo <LEAPS> toward the door.  He <STRUGGLES> to open the door, with a <CREAK> it opens. Leonardo looks across; the Foot Ninja are near.


*INT. ABANDONDED RESERVOIR PUMP STATION – NIGHT
PAN DOWN TO- Leonardo crouches by the slightly cracked door as the shadows of a few Foot Ninja pass by.  He then, securely <SHUTS> the door."

I think it's a mistake to have this little "hide and seek" thing between Leo and the Foot Ninjas happen so close to the site of the Turtles' future lair, as if he disappears in its vicinity while being tailed, that's a red flag for the Foot. I think he should lose them earlier and then take refuge in the pump station.
Also, Leo enters this place pretty easily... which makes me think that if it's that easy to get into, sitting in the middle of NYC it would be a favorite hangout for street people. Maybe we should make it harder to get into -- maybe Leo should find a subterranean entrance.


6.) Re: the following:

"*The Turtle Tunneler (ep. 93) comes through the wall and into the sewer – LEAVING the FRAME.  A moment later, the Shrednaught follows flying through the hole and into the sewer.
CLOSE ON- The underside of the TurtleTunneler.  A small square hatch is KICKED open REVEALING Michelangelo.  He CRADDLES Klunk, <DIVING> and <ROLLING> away from the moving vehicle.
CLOSE ON THE TURTLE TUNNELER– as a shot <BLASTS> the back wheel of the TurtleTunneler.
The airborne Shrednaught <FIRES> again from its mini-cannon."

What the -- ???!! A FLYING Shrednaught???!!! I don't think so.


7.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
Time to bring them home … if we only had one …"

As it is clearly Leo's intention to make the pump station the new lair (recall his previous "This place … has potential" line), I think we should lose the "if we only had one" line.


8.) It's still curious how nothing Leo does really connects to HOW he finds the other Turtles and Splinter. He meditates, has visions of the others escaping from the lair, then says "Time to bring them home"... and just goes and gets them. How did he find them? Doesn't make much sense.
And the more I think about it, the more this whole meditation/vision thing makes no sense. Other than possibly our saving some money by using clips from a previous episode, what does it accomplish for Leo to see how the others escaped the destruction of the lair? It doesn't show him where they ended up. I wonder if it might make more sense to use that time to show him using some advanced ninja tracking techniques to find his brothers.


9.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
(desperate)
You’re gonna have to go through me to get to him!"

Like Leo, Don does not say "gonna".


10.) Although it works for pacing purposes, doesn't it seem a BIT too coincidental that just seconds after Leo finds Don and Splinter in their hiding place, the Foot appear? Why now? Why this particular place? Maybe the attck should take place as Leo is leading them back to the pump station.


11.) Re: the following:

"*EXT. UNDERNEATH BOARDWALK, CONEY ISLAND – DAY
An exhausted RAPHAEL sits in the sand propped up against a support beam  (A band-aid stuck to his chin).  He drinks soda out of a cup with a straw <EMPTY NOISE>."

A band aid? Where'd he get that?


12.) Re: the following:

"*LEONARDO
Hey Raph, don’t worry, just think of it like this…  Nothing is permanent.  Life is a constant state of change, and we’re all gonna be OK."

Leo STILL doesn't say "gonna".


13.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I’m going to go get some food, and some supplies and medicine.  I’ll be back.
Splinter smiles, knowing what is on Leonardo’s mind.  HE PULLS LEONARDO CLOSER FOR A QUICK WORD …
*SPLINTER
(close/to Leo)
Yes, I see.  Your journey home is not complete…  Be careful, son.  She has progressed in her training."

What exactly does Splinter hear in Leo's comment that makes him think that Leo is going after Karai? I don't see anything there. And if somehow Splinter DOES figure out that Leo is going into the lion's den to confront a deadly foe, why does he SMILE? What's there to SMILE about?


14.) Re: the following:

"Karai <FLINGS> one end of the weapon toward Leonardo.
Leonardo leans back as the chain enters FRAME <WRAPPING> around one of his swords and <YANKING> it out of FRAME. <SHCHING>
The sword flies across the library hitting the ground with a slide.
Karai <CROUCHES> and <SPINS> <FLINGING> the weapon once again toward Leonardo.
Horizontal BG Pan as a <CUT> moves across frame.
Leonardo <STAGGERS> back gripping his arm in pain.
LEONARDO
<GROAN OF PAIN>
Karai <LAUGHING> <WHIPS> the chain toward Leonardo.
The chain enters frame <YANKING> away Leonardo’s other sword."

It seems somewhat preposterous that this chain weapon is SO effective against BOTH of Leo's swords.


15.) Re: the following:

"KARAI (O.C)
<BATTLE CRY)
Karai <WHIPS> the chain <DOWN> toward Leonardo. 
THE CHAIN COMES DOWN…
On the empty railing as the razor chain <CRASHES> down <CUTTING> and <TEARING> the railing to pieces."

Wow... is that a razor chain or a razor chain SAW?


16.) Re: the following:

"*Karai falls to the ground, beaten and weak.  She removes her Shredder helmet revealing just how frustrated and weak her face is."

So... she's weak? Seriously, has she not been doing her endurance training? It seems like she's going strong and then just gives up.


17.) Re: the following:

"*Leonardo <SWIPES> his sword.  (BG BLUR PAN)
A KATANA SLASH GOES ACROSS FRAME–
Leonardo <LANDS> <CROUCHING> in an open window frame.  He faces Karai.
CLOSER ON- Leonardo’s eyes narrow.
LEONARDO (FIRM)
Stay away from my family.
Leonardo <LEAPS> out the window and into the dark.
*ON- The statue of Oroku Saki.  With almost a flash a <CUT> appears at the neckline.  "

What's up with this "almost a flash" business? Seems dopey. 


18.) Re: the following:

"The head of the statue <FALLS> off the body and hits the ground in front of Karai with a heavy <THUD>…"

The way this is written, it appears that Karai was sitting right next to the statue, which seems kind of odd. Why not have the severed statue head it the ground and ROLL several feet toward her?


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #433: September 24, 2004: comments on Ep. 98 premise and comments on Eps. 99 and 100 premises

Subj: comments on Ep. 98 premise
Date: Friday, September 24, 2004 12:31:36 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 98 premise.


1.) I wonder if, when Stockman decides to put his brain into a new cloned body, he also decides to "improve" upon his former body -- i.e. make it taller, stronger, with better eyes (so he doesn't have to wear glasses, etc.. That might make his fall even harder.


2.) Re: the following:

"We rejoin the Turtles cleaning up the aftermath of the mutant toad battle.  There’s a mess of green slime in the gutter between the tracks.  Raph complains about how “It stinks that we gotta play merry maids nowadays after kickin’ butt.”  Don explains that, “Yeah, well, nowadays our enemies explode into highly toxic and contagious waste!” (And then maybe Donny can even do a subtle cough … he’s got a touch of the flu … bit of a scratchy throat …).  The Turtles finish bagging up the slimy toad debris and head home.  We segue from that slime to…"

This "clean up" bit is a little weird. For one thing, what are the Turtles doing with the waste once they've bagged it up? Where are they taking it? I get the idea that the Turtles want to be responsible, but becoming janitors might not be the way to do it. Maybe instead of actually bagging up the slime and taking it with them, they spray it with some compound Don has concocted that renders it inert or just completely dissolves it into harmless elements. OR... they "tag" the area with some kind of sign which will alert the authorities (who are also surely aware of the problem and are trying to deal with it) to a location where some of these mutant creatures have been fought and melted, so that they can call in more appropriately equipped clean up squads.


3.) Re: the following:

"Back at the Turtles lair, there’s a sudden noise—the Turtles are alarmed and jump to action—someone is coming through the door!  The Turtles are armed and await the intruder…finally the door opens and…it’s Master Splinter with some new decorations for the lair.  Oh, what a relief!  The Turtles rest easy.  But then…where was Stockman going to?"

I get the idea that we want a little misdirection to fool the viewer into thinking that Stockman's destination was the Turtles' lair, but this bit with Splinter "coming through the door" and making a "sudden noise" which gets the Turtles all freaked out is GOOFY. What door is Splinter coming through -- the one to outside? If so, what the HELL is he doing going outside to get "decorations"?! And what kind of noise can he make to freak the Turtles out so? Makes no sense. This needs reworking.


4.) Re: the following:

"Stockman charges at April—there’s a bit of banter in which he insanely reasons why April is responsible and then a cat and mouse chase ensues where April proves surprisingly evasive—but most importantly, she manages to turn the web-cam on her computer on … clandestinely sending a message and video images to some friends …


Back at the Turtle lair Mikey playing with the computer when he sees what at first he assumes is a cool new video game on his computer but quickly realizes is, in fact, April being attack by—who the?!  Stockman?!  Human … well almost human, Baxter Stockman!  But, the turtles are not hallucinating!  That’s Stockman!"

This is more than a bit goofy. First, that April would turn on her webcam in the hope that by some random chance one or more of the Turtles would be watching that particular webcam at that particular moment and see what's happening -- or at least see SOME of what's happening, as webcams typically have a fairly small field of view. And secondly, that Mikey would be so STUPID that he could mistake a webcam window for a new videogame.
I think we're also missing an opportunity to bring Casey into this story. I think it would be nice if he attempted to save April from Stockman. Here's a possible scenario: April is using her laptop with webcam in her shop, and she's intant messaging/webcamming with Casey (maybe we even do some funny stuff where she's trying to help Casey get the hang of this technology, as he keeps futziing it up (mounting the webcam upside down, etc.)) when suddenly Stockman breaks in. Now, Casey sees this intrusion via April's webcam (and maybe it's a odd angle view because April's laptop/webcam got knocked off the counter and landed on its side or something) and is horrified. As he rushes to his motorcycle to blast over to April's to help her, he gives the Turtles a call (via ShellCel -- don't know if the boys have any of these or not -- or by phone) and let's them know what's happening. 
Casey gets to April's place before the Turtles, and though he fights valiantly against Stockman, he gets his ass kicked. When the Turtles finally arrive, a groggy Casey can fill them in on what happened and maybe point them in the direction April took off in, pursued by Stockman.


5.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles blast through the sewers on the sewer sled getting downtown as fast as they can!  We can only hope it will be fast enough because …"

I thought the Sewer Sled had been lost in the attack on the lair? Anyway, I think it might be better if they DON'T have any kind of vehicle, and have to hoof it, opening up some opportunities for some complaining along the way from some of the Turtles -- I'm thinking Mikey would be a good choice -- about how they should have some wheels, how they miss the Sewer Sled and Battle Shell, etc..


6.) Re: the following:

"The chase continues through the streets … Stockman uses some of the “weaponry” that he has included in patching himself back together in his cyborg self and tries to hit April with small rockets (which blow up parked cars), etc.  He should be a horrific amalgamation of man, mutant and machine."

I'm not loving the rocket thing.

7.) Re: the following:

"April puts up a good fight …


… but Stockman overwhelms her and is about to cut her painfully to pieces with a piece of his cyborg-ness (a laser torch) … to experience his pain … one missing limb at a time."

I wonder if it might be better (i.e. much more horrible and scary) if Stockman at that moment determines that a better way to punish April and simultaneously help himself would be to transplant his brain into her healthy, non-diseased body (rather than just kill her).


8.) Of the two "Options" for Stockman's final hallucination, I prefer Option 1, as Option 2's inclusion of Stockman's mother comes out of the blue (we've never heard of or seen Stockman's mother before) and is really kind of cheesy. I think the idea that Stockman again hallucinates the Shredder (and maybe MULTIPLE Shredder's, where he sees each Turtle as another Shredder) is much cooler, and ties in with the beginning of the episode.


-- Pete

----------------------------


Subj: comments on Eps. 99 and 100 premises
Date: Friday, September 24, 2004 12:53:26 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I really don't have much to say about these two premises -- they are for the most part a really good adaptation of the TALES OF THE TMNT #7 story, with a few useful modifications (i.e. Savanti magically controlling the Deinonychus, etc.).
The one thing I'm not loving is the whole "time wave" thing in the beginnning of Ep. 99. While visually intriguing, it really opens up a whole can of worms, the biggest worm being this: If Savanti's magic is so powerful that it can cause these kinds of massive changes in the present, it stands to reason (well, at least to my way of thinking) that he doesn't need the Time Scepter. 
But even more it bugs me that, by opening the episode with a huge, cataclysmic series of events, there's no build up and we miss an opportunity to do a smaller, personality-driven bit which enriches the characters. I refer, of course, to the idea that April has managed to smuggle the Turtles into the museum after hours (through some contact she has there) so that dino-fanatic Don can finally get to see the cool fossils and dino skeletons in the museum. And that he STILL wants to see them even though he's not feeling that great just helps to delineate his character more. And Mike and Raph can piss and moan about how boring it is (and maybe Mike goofs off with some exhibits and April has to reprimand him).



-- Pete

Blast from the Past #432: September 20, 2004: Re: Outline for 96 ("Trouble With Augie") and Re: First Draft 94 ("Prodigal Son")

Subj: Re: Outline for 96 ("Trouble With Augie")
Date: Monday, September 20, 2004 12:04:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 96 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"April’s POV – her parents and little sister sit in chairs, clapping.  Next to them is an empty seat."

If "little sister" is supposed to refer to April's sister Robyn, in the comics we have established that Robyn is older than April by a few years. Not that she can't be younger in the show, but...


2.) One thing which kind of bothers me -- how does Uncle Augie know April's email address? I wonder if it might be better if the signal that he sends doesn't go to her computer in particular, but actually affects a lot of computers... and April and Don recognize the strange symbols -- when they see them in a news report on TV about this new "virus" -- as coordinates for the Artifact.
Actually, I just reread that part and realized that they are not necessarily actual emails, but rather "crude “e-mails from beyond”". However, it then goes on to say that they are "signed Augie". I wonder if it might be better if they don't realize that the messages are "signed Augie" until AFTER Don deciphers the messages, as the idea that there is a string of weird alien symbols followed by "Uncle Augie" in English seems a bit goofy.


3.) Re: the following:

"Augie explains that he has two working artifacts – a small one and a large one. The small Transport Artifact enabled April and Donatello to beam to this location."

I thought it was the Artifact in April's possession that let them do this.


4.) Re: the following:

"Augie: “But don’t tell the Slee’ens – I don’t want them knowing that I have all these different keys.  Otherwise, they might share their knowledge with some other planet instead of Earth.  You wouldn’t believe what these people know.  Just look at their city!”"

This is getting a little weird, Why would Augie want to deny these life-saving technologies to any other worlds? Makes him sound like a selfish jerk. 
Also, it seems REALLY odd that if Augie is as intelligent as he is said to be, he is completely clueless about the nature of the Slee'ens, which nature should be pretty obvious by the dilapidated nature of their city. This is a HUGE logic hole, in my opinion.


5.) Re: the following:

"Regrouped and ready to fight, the Slee’en army steps into the large Transport portal and are transported…. to the dead planet that Augie showed to Donatello and April earlier. "

The entire planet-conquering Slee'en army steps into ONE transport portal? That IS a truly large portal. While it is a clever punishment to exile the SLee'ens to the "dead world", it doesn't seem to make too much practical sense in the way they get there. I think it would be just a good a punishment to maroon them on the Zodat world (which, if you think about it, is just as "dead" as that other world)... especially if the holographic Zodat "ghost" gag that Don set up is still running. So all the time the Slee'en are slowly starving to death, the "ghostly" Zodats are haranguing them. What poetic justice!


6.) I'm really not sure the whole "key" thing works and/or makes sense. It seems to have a lot of holes in it. For example, if you need a different key to get to each specific dimension, how do April and the Turtles get to the "bug" dimension in the first "Uncle Augie" episode ("April's Artifact") and then back to Earth? As stated in this outline, "April pushes the top of the artifact – revealing a hidden key (a rod with gems on it)". That's "a" key, one key -- and it turns out to be the "Earth" key in this story.
I think it makes a lot more sense that these artifacts can allow you to go anywhere as long as you program them with the proper coordinates. Let's ditch this key thing. We don't really need it, especially if we use my suggestion in point 5.


-- Pete

--------------------------------


Subj: Re: First Draft 94 ("Prodigal Son")
Date: Monday, September 20, 2004 2:27:32 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 94 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"WIDER- Leonardo <WHIPS> out his Katana from his back sheath and <SLASHES> behind him.  <CLANK> <CLANK>
With sparks and lines of energy, two Shredaughts materialize seemingly out of nowhere (de-cloaking). "

Since when have the Shrednaughts been able to cloak (like the Foot Tech Ninja)? This is new. I think having Leo go up against and defeat two Shrednaughts all by himself is a bit over the top, even with his new confidence and skills.
Also, the clear implication here -- correct me if I'm wrong -- is that Leo has CAUSED the Shrednaughts to decloak simply by slashing behind him with his swords, his blades somehow disabling their cloaking abilities (similar scenes abound in past episodes with the Foot Tech Ninjas). This is more than a little improbable. I mean, Leo doesn't even know that these Shrednaughts EXIST. He's never gone up against them. I think we should get rid of the Shrednaughts in this scene and just have some Foot ninja, maybe Foot Tech Ninja.


2.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo <RUNS> toward the first Shredaught.  He <SLICES> across it’s front with both Katana.
CLOSE ON- the Shrednaught as cuts <SPLIT> open with energy and electrical sparks."

I've never particularly liked the the way Leo's swords can cut through almost anything like butter (or at least if the story requires it), but this is just silly. Weren't these Shrednaughts nigh on impenetrable in the attack on the lair? Didn't it take Mikey using the laser drill of the Turtle Tunneler to cut one open? The idea that Leo can just casually open them up with his katana is really unbelievable.


3.) Re: the following:

"The Second Shredaught <LEAPS> back with a <KLANG>.  It raises its fists as a hatch on it’s right shoulder <POPS> open revealing a cannon (as seen in EP. 93).
CLOSE ON- Leonardo smirks."

Leo SMIRKS? What the hell is he SMIRKING for? Have we turned him into some unbeatable Arnold Schwarzenegger-type hero? Is he going to start making stupid one-liner jokes as he skewers bad guys ("Stick around!")? This is NOT the way to show that Leo has evolved as a fighter -- it's just DUMB-ASS POSING.


4.) Re: the following:

"<DODGING> more missiles, Leonardo <SLIDES> past the Shrednaught <SLICING> off one of the legs.  The Shrednaught <CRASHES> to the ground."

Now Leo's swords can just slice off a Shrednaught's leg with no problem. Please.


5.) It just occurred to me that it would have made a lot of sense for the Turtles to have had a contingency plan for an event of this nature -- some catastrophic thing happening which would split them all up. They would very likely have had one or more pre-set locations where they could rendezvous in an emergency, so they wouldn't have to waste a lot of time with random searches. Maybe this could be worked into the story.


6.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ANGLE DOWN ON- The roof of the building.  The three Foot Soldiers stealthily walk across.
The shadow of Leonardo, <JUMPS> up and onto the roof, then stealthily <RUNS> toward them.
Leonardo <JUMPS> toward them, doing a <FLIP>, and <CROUCHES> right behind them.
LEONARDO (V.O. CONT.)
Or, I at least had to know when the Foot had found the trail themselves.
CLOSE ON- Leonardo’s hand reaches forward gently removing a communication device from the Foot Ninjas belt."

Either Leo is now SuperInvisoNinja, or that Foot Soldier was recruited from the Deaf and Dumbass School of Ninjitsu. This is preposterous.


7.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON- A broken dish, small bag that reads “CATFOOD” and a PLANET RACERS comic book (that sit in a cubby hole beside the subway tracks).  A flashlight beam passes over them. "

Now that we have had an episode where Raphael goes to another universe and encounters the "Planet Racers", it seems a little weird to have Mikey own a "Planet Racers" comic.


8.) Re: the following:

"WIDE DOWN ANGLE ON- The street.  Leonardo walks away from the destroyed Battle Shell to some motorcycle tracks on the street."

So... how long has the destroyed Battle Shell been sitting out on the street? Has anyone noticed it? Why hasn't it been hauled away?


9.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ANGLE DOWN- Leonardo, still holding Splinter with Donatello following in rear, <FORCES> a path through the large crowd of Foot Ninja.  (Note, like Jet Li surrounded by the crowd that can’t touch him in HERO, or Leonardo parting a sea of Foot Ninja)  They arrive at the doorway.
WIPE TO:


EXT. ABANDONDED RESERVOIR PUMP STATION – LATER
Moon light shines down on the Reservoir Pump Station nestled and hidden under Belvedere Castle.


INT. ABANDONDED RESERVOIR PUMP STATION - 
Leonardo sets the weakened Splinter down on the ground/blanket."

Uh... there seems to be something missing here. How did Leo and Don and Splinter escape from this large crowd of Foot Ninjas? Did they just let them go? I think we REALLY need to be careful about overdoing this "Super Leo" bit.


10.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
What is important is that you are here now.  And our family is together.
WIDER- Raphael interrupts, 
RAPHAEL (ANGRY)
And, in one piece!  I can’t believe we lost our home!  "

Raph's two lines here don't seem to go together. I would lose the "And in one piece!" line.


11.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Get used to disappointment, Karai.  You won’t be the first Shredder who can’t seem to touch the Turtles!"

The second line of Leo's here makes no sense -- the "old" Shredder certainly DID touch the Turtles. I would take it out.


12.) Re: the following:

"Karai (Laughing) <WHIPS> the chain toward Leonardo.
KARAI
Oh Leonardo, I had no true idea how much I would enjoy your pain!"

What a bizarre line from Karai. I would lose it.


13.) I have to wonder if it makes a whole lot of sense that Karai would have her Shredder armor on under her robe. Why would she be wearing it? And why have a robe covering it? It seems like this is only in the script for the little bit of "surprise reveal" when she whips off the robe. I wonder if it might make more sense that we see her enter that scene in full Shredder armor -- including helmet -- and she takes off the helmet as she bows/kneels to the statue of Oroku Saki. (Maybe she has just come from a training session in the dojo.) OR... she could have the whole fight with Leo WITHOUT her new Shredder armor, and we could save that confrontation for a later episode.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #431: September 16, 2004: Re: FW: Revised Premise 97 ("Insane in the Membrane"), Re: Ep 92 ("The Ancient One"), Re: Episode 53-78 synopses

Subj: Re: FW: Revised Premise 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 12:46:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here is my comment on the Ep. 97 revised premise.


1.) Re: the following:

<<Then Malignus switches a little of his power to Leo and starts to control him like a puppet.  Leo attacks his brothers full force.


(Act Four)


Leo attacks his brothers and they’re trying to fight him off without hurting him.  What makes matters worse is that Leo is fully aware of what he’s doing, even warning the others to get away, he can’t stop himself.  He’s begging them to take him out but they can’t.


At this point, the turtles attack Malignus.  His defenses are down a bit because his power is divided.  One of the heroes is able to help open up a chink in Malignus’s armor, so to speak, so that the turtles can attack his bug hat.


The bug suddenly takes on a life of it’s own and fights the turtles.  Of course, now the power that was holding the heroes and controlling Leo is gone so the good guys gang up on Malignus and his big bug-bot.  They seriously damage the bug and it starts to short circuit.  It instinctively crawls back onto Malignus’s head (even though he tries to stop it) and plugs into his brain, frying it and turning him into a twittering loony.>>

The typical problem with "super mind powers" is that they tend to have no limits except for the ones which are convenient to the storytelling, and that inconsistency tends to result in a story full of logic holes. Also, when have we set up Dr. Malignus as someone who has any kind of telekinetic powers, or that his bugs can enhance such powers? As far as I can recall, he has only ever had these mind-control bug robots that can take over an individual and bend him or her to Dr. Malignus' will. This telekinetic power stuff comes out of the blue, and you also have to wonder -- if he has this power at his fingertips, why doesn't he use it from the beginning of the fight?
I'm also not too crazy about the whole "bug taking on a life of its own and burrowing into Malignus' brain" bit -- this also seems to come out of nowhere, and frying his brain and "turning him into a twittering loony" seems a silly way to get rid of a decent villain.
  One way I can think of which MIGHT make this work is if the "super mind power" bug is a last-ditch option for Malignus' -- perhaps it's a prototype which even he considers potentially dangerous and unpredictable, and he only uses it as a last resort. I do think that we should not leave Malignus with a ruined brain, as I would like to be able to bring him back at some point.

-- Pete

--------------------

Subj: Re: Ep 92 ("The Ancient One")
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 1:08:59 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Although I still think my idea of Silver Sentry giving Leo a lift over to Asia would save us (and Leo) a lot of time and headaches, I don't have a big problem with him finding his own way. However... if he is going to Asia, would he really hop a ride on a ship leaving New York? Wouldn't it make more sense if he made his way to the WEST coast and left from a Pacific port city? (Maybe a compromise here would be that Silver Sentry gives him a lift to California. OR maybe Casey could drive him there in his car -- ROAD TRIP!!! That could actually be the source for an "untold tale of Leo and Casey"  next season.)
Also, assuming Leo makes it all the way on his own, this trip of his -- taking boats, walking, etc. -- will take months, probably. Does having Leo gone for months cause any problems with story continuity? 


-- Pete

-----------------


Subj: Re: Episode 53-78 synopses
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 8:36:44 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine, Dan Berger

Lloyd and Dan,


I read over the teaser synopses and made a few small changes to them, mostly a word here and there and a few typo things. The biggest change (and it's really not THAT big) is to add a short line to each of the episodes where the individual Turtles are in the other realities. Although the way Lloyd had written it was clever and intriguing in a very frustrating way, with each one being EXACTLY the same except for the name of the Turtle in question, I thought that we could give a little bit away without giving much away. The only one I gave a specific hint about was Raph's (Planet Racers) episodes, and I've already let that cat out of the bag in the TMNT comic letters pages.


I'm happy with them as they are below, and if you agree, Lloyd, I ask that Dan put them up and make the fans start salivating!


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #430: September 12, 2004: Re: FW: Outline for 95 ("Outbreak"), and September 14, 2004: Re: Premise for 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")

Subj: Re: FW: Outline for 95 ("Outbreak")
Date: Sunday, September 12, 2004 3:14:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 95 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE as a black boot splashes into a mudpuddle – a lone American soldier stumbles across the charred battlefield, dazed and disoriented.  Suddenly, a bright light shines down on the soldier from above.  


From a bird’s eye view, we see the soldier is none other than BISHOP.  WIDE on the scene as Bishop begins to rise up into the light.  He screams helplessly, then we cut to BLACK.  


Bishop (VO):  ‘I know this all too well.’"

Bishop's origin is slowly being revealed, and here we learn a little bit more about it (he was a soldier in the war of 1812, taken and experimented on by aliens). I think this is cool, but as I read this, I wondered if by adding a little bit we could make it even cooler and weirder. What I suggest is that when Bishop "screams helplessly", he also screams out something like "Nooo! Not again -- !!!" The implication would be that this was not the first time the aliens had come for him... and further it raises the question of just how old IS Bishop, anyway? He could be hundreds, maybe thousands of years old, for all we know! (Hey... I just thought of something else... if he WERE that old, he could have had something to do with Oroku Saki in feudal Japan. Would that be cool, or what?!)


2.) Re: the following:

" Stockman:  ‘Teams 2 and 3 have reported in… it’s just 
incredible.  They’re made contact with dozens of creatures… 
insects, fish, reptiles… the mutagen has spread… 
Bishop:  ‘Doctor… is it containable?’"


A minor point -- I think we should try to find a word other than "mutagen" to call the stuff that is turning out all these mutant monsters, just because that is what we have always called the stuff that transformed the Turtles.


3.) Re: the following:

"Raph leaps into the fray, knocking the head roach back with a kick.  He helps Don up, but in a blur, the head roach strikes out, an alien clawed limb scratching out at Don…


With a yell, Don spins around, a deep set of gouges on his leg.  He drops to the ground."

I think it might be better if instead of a wound which is CLEARLY serious to begin with, Don gets LIGHTLY scratched -- not much more than what you might get if your cat clawed your arm with one claw -- so that it makes more sense that he would laugh it off at first and not be too concerned about it.




-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Premise for 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")
Date: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 3:16:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 9/14/04 8:35:27 AM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

Hey Pete –
  
 FYI, we’re planning to pretty seriously re-vamp the premise we sent out for the Justice Force/Bring on the Bad Guys episode.  It’s not working out with trying to use past Turtle villains (Mephos, GarbageMan), so we’re thinking of making up a new super villain team (with Malignus still at the helm) that has reason to want to destroy the Justice Force.
  
 Be that as it may, any ideas you have for a big, fun, super-hero super-episode are more than welcome!
  
 Thanks,
  
 LLoyd



Lloyd,


Timing, as they say, is everything. I read this email from you exactly two minutes after I had completed writing up my comments on that premise! Although they might now be useless, I will send them to you anyway (in this email) just in case there is something in them that might be helpful.


-- Pete


comments on Ep. 97 premise

1.) Re: the following:

"Calling cards are sent out … little robotic bugs (from “Turtle Titan”) pay visits on Mephos (helping him break out of his prison cell as the little bug self-destructs blowing a big hole in the wall), the Garbage Man (in his decrepit new hideout half underwater in a sunken/rundown pier), and various super villains (referenced in “Return of the Justice Force”): Grim Repo, Red Menace, Gas Giant, Mr. Destructo, Super Synthesizer and the Living Volcano."

I hope we can make these super villains -- who have only been referenced by name previously -- interesting and cool-looking.
Also, I wondered if it might be fun to do a quick shot of one of these bugs finding Karai (perhaps in her Shredder armor), and she dispatches it quickly with a blade or something, with some kind of pithy line about how she doesn't need allies.
And I just realized that getting Mephos into this story might be a bit problematic -- isn't he being held prisoner in the secret, invisible Avian cloud city? How does Dr. Malignus' bug find and reach him there? I suppose a rationale could be created, but it's tough. I did just flash on an idea which might help to connect Mephos and Malignus -- what if Malignus (with his obvious techno-savvy) had helped Mephos create his crazy metal wings? Okay, now I just thought of another problem -- if Mephos IS on the cloud city when the bug arrives to free him, and he doesn't have any wings, how is he going to get to Earth?


2.) Re: the following:

"Widen still to reveal that Doctor Malignus is in a prison cell safely behind bars.  He looks up with a smile.  “Guard!  Guard!”  The guard approaches.  “Guard, I think it is time you released me back into society.  I have important work to do.”


The guard (a bit zombie-like) bows: “Yes.”  And, the guard then unlocks the heavy prison door allowing Malignus to exit.


Upon closer inspection, we see one of the mind control bugs firmly implanted in the back of the prison guard’s neck …"

I wonder if this bit might be more interesting if the guard is not immediately under Malignus' control, but instead begins to respond to Malignus' command to be released with a derisive laugh and a dismissive comment... but then halfway through it the guard stiffens and does the zombie thing... and THAT'S when we see that there is now a mind-control bug on him. Maybe there could even be a quick shot of something (the bug) skittering up his pants leg.


3.) Re: the following:

"Raphael wakes up in the middle of a street.  This isn’t an ordinary street.  It’s a condemned block.  And, Raphael isn’t greeted by anybody ordinary.  He finds himself facing Malignus and the horde of super villains.  Malignus is ever so happy to see “the Turtle Titan” again.


Raphael ain’t no turtle titan.  But, Malignus can’t seem to understand that.  He thinks the Turtle Titan is just attempting to be clever.  But, that isn’t going to work.  The Turtle Titan’s fate is sealed.


Raphael:  “Listen whackbag, I ain’t the Turtle Titan!”


But, nobody is listening.  Malignus puts his plan into play!


The six (new) super villains make themselves scarce (as part of the plan) and Malignus, GarbageMan and Mephos start to attack Raphael … all of which is being filmed and broadcast for the benefit of the Justice Force.


At the Justice Force Headquarters, the image of Raphael getting the ever-living-crud kicked out of him plays on the viz-screen.


Silver Sentry, Ananda, Metalhead, Tsunami and Chrysalis leap into action!


They arrive on the scene and Malignus feigns surprise. But, his mind control bugs will soon make short work of the Justice Force."

This whole "abandoned block" set up feels kind of goofy. I think there should be a better way of getting the Justice Force into Malignus' trap. (And the JF should KNOW that it's a trap -- I mean, with the broadcast and all it's pretty obvious.) I wonder if it might make more sense, and be cooler (especially because Raph is initially at Malignus' mercy) if Malignus is mind-controlling Raph and thus uses him to get the JF's attention.
Actually, now that I think about it, why does Malignus' mind-controlling bug inject Raph with a "sleeping drug" instead of just mind-controlling him? Doesn't seem to make much sense.
I don't think we've seen a Turtle under the influence of one of Malignus' bugs yet -- might be interesting. Actually, maybe Raph -- while mind-controlled -- could use a shell cel to summon the JF, and thus lead them into the trap. (And when Ananda sets off the EMP device, he is released from the mind control.)


4.) Re: the following:

"Raphael retrieves several of the mind control bugs (that were deactivated earlier) and uses them like shuriken, sticking them to the GarbageMan and one of Mephos’ wings.  Then, Raphael attacks Malignus long enough to get his hands on the control device."

Would it make more sense that Raph grabs the control device BEFORE he throws the bugs at Garbageman and Mephos? Also, why should the bug go on one of Mephos' wings? Every time we've seen them so far, they have to be on the back of someone's neck to do their mind-control thing.


5.) Re: the following:

"It looks like the Silver Sentry is about to be wiped out as he’s pinned down by the GarbageMan’s launched gear (netting and spikes) and the Living Volcano is about to encase the Silver Sentry in a tomb of molten rock!"

From what we have seen of the Silver Sentry so far, I doubt he'd be held down for long by "the GarbageMan’s launched gear (netting and spikes)".


6.) Re: the following:

" And, GarbageMan stops Living Lava while Mephos frees Silver Sentry and pulls him into the air."

I can't wait to find out how the heck Garbageman is supposed to stop Living Lava.


7.) Re: the following:

"Just then, the other three turtles show up (Mikey is dressed in his Turtle Titan outfit).  They picked up the show of Raphael getting beaten up earlier on one of their scanners but it took them longer to find the place than it took the super heroes.  It looks like they’re a little late."

As I think we should ditch the 'Raphael fight show" bit, another way to get the Turtles into this is in order. Or... do we really need this scene? Maybe Raph could just find his way back to the lair and say the same lines to Mikey about comic book heroes.


-- Pete