Blast from the Past #373: More notes from the development of the 4Kids TMNT series: Feb. 1, 2004: Re: premise for Ep. 67

Feb. 1, 2004: Re: premise for Ep. 67

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 67 premise:

1.) Re: the following:

"The Shredder turns on Stockman.  The Shredder has been asking Stockman for months about the possibility of obtaining the anti-grav device.  The Shredder’s furious.  (Stockman’s holographic head shimmers and spurts in an out … in nervous agitation)."

It occurred to me when reading this bit about Stockman's holographic head "shimmering" and "spurting" that we could have a lot of fun with some wild stylistic exaggerations of the holographic image when Stockman experiences strong emotions. It might be cool to build up a library of various types or styles of expression so we could be consistent -- when he's angry, he looks this way, and when he's smug he looks that way, and so on. I'm thinking weird warped stuff like what happened to Jim Carrey's "Mask" character in the "Mask" movie, or something I just saw while channel surfing -- a snippet of "Teen Titans" on Cartoon Network, wherein some of the characters flipped rapidly from their "normal" look to some wacky anime look and back again, all to emphasize some emotion.

2.) Re: the following:

"Chaplin continues:  "But, of course, you’ll never be able to get either of the anti-grav device down.  Bringing the city back to earth would be too much of a strain.  It would completely fry both of the anti-grav generators."

How does Chaplin know this? After all, this is alien technology -- how does he know what it can or can't do? I find it significantly illogical that this technology can haul the load up into orbit, yet can't lower it back down without "burning out". Is there some rationale that I am not getting?

What if we have Chaplin SUGGEST -- rather than state as an absolute fact -- that it is likely (given his study, as far as that goes, of other Triceraton technology, specifically the other nonfunctional anti-grav devices they've found) that the anti grav devices in the Beijing "flyer" will not hold up well to a return to Earth's gravity well.

3.) Re: the following:

"But, the Shredder has a better idea.  Why bring the city down.  Just go up there, take one of the devices and let the city crash to earth.  What does the Shredder care.  He needs an anti-grav generator."

I like the evilness of the Shredder's suggestion, but why not have him just say something like "Who said anything about returning Beijing safely to Earth? All we want are the anti-grav generators. What happens to the city after we remove them is none of our concern."

Also, what is Chaplin's reaction to this plan? Karai is appalled, and rightly so, but what about this scientist?

4.) Re: the following:

"Later, Karai, Hun, and a team of Foot Ninja hijack the space shuttle on the launch pad at Cape Canaveral."

???!!! This is seriously silly. And why do they even need to hijack the space shuttle? Can't they find one operational orbit-capable ship left over from the Triceraton invasion?

5.) There are some potentially very serious timing problems with the removal of the anti grav generators from Beijing and what happens thereafter. It seems to me that if the orbit of Beijing deteriorates quickly enough and they have dropped so low that both the docking arm (and now where did THAT come from?) and the ship they've come in burn up in friction from contact with the atmosphere,  and there is no working anti-grav generator in Beijing, then that city is going to drop like one big rock -- and that means REALLY fast. Far too fast, it would seem, to uncrate an anti-grav generator, re-install it, and get it working again.

Here's a slightly different suggestion: First, how about either having the space ship break loose from where it has docked accidentally, thus stranding them, OR have one of the bad guys -- Hun or Stockman -- actually sneak back to the ship and take off in it*. Second, instead of the second grav generator being destroyed, it is only damaged, and part of the nail-biting race to the finish is to see if they can get it repaired in time. And third, remember that we talked about the fact that the atmosphere surrounding Beijing (which is keeping all of its stranded inhabitants alive) is kept intact by a force field generated by some Triceraton device.


What if the only way our heroes can get that one last grav generator to put out enough power to bring the city back to Earth in one piece is for them to redirect power from that force field INTO the grav generator... the effect being, of course, that even though they are in atmosphere at the time and thus won't necessarily asphyxiate, the removal of the protective force field will let in hurricane force winds (from their rapid passage through the atmosphere) which will threaten to not only blow people off the Beijing "asteroid", but also tear apart the more fragile buildings in the city (cool visual opportunities there, as well as some fun having the Turtles working to save various Beijing-ites who are slipping off the edge of their city).

One of the reasons I suggest this is that I am really not terribly convinced by the "flying saucer" theory, or by what value creating a "spin" and "counter spin" has.

-- Pete

* Actually, if we went with the scenario I suggested, that the second grav generator is damaged, not destroyed, this would allow Hun and Stockman to return to the Shredder with one good grav generator, as well as eliminating Karai and Chaplin (something they can later, of course, when Karai and Chaplin show up again, claim was inadvertent -- the result of Karai and Chaplin not getting back to the ship in time). And maybe it would be a good thing, plotwise, that Shredder ends up with one working grav generator.

Blast from the Past #372: More notes from the development of the 4Kids TMNT series: Feb. 1, 2004: Ep. 63 third draft, 68 premise, etc.

Feb. 1, 2004: Ep. 63 third draft, 68 premise, etc.


From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine




Lloyd,


As always, great to see you and to work with you in person. Though I wish we had had a little more time to talk stuff out, I think we accomplished some significant things.


I read the third draft of 63 and the premise for 68, and have a few comments on them. I'm also going to include in this email the notes I made about the alternate 65 premise, and a few on the Entity, the Shredder, and Karai.


-- Pete


--------------------------------


notes on EP. 63 third draft script


Wow! Much, MUCH better! I have only two minor comments:


1.) Re: the following:

"80. LEONARDO
You really shouldn’t sneak up on us like that.
81. NOBODY
Obviously."

I thought it might be neat to emphasize here the fact that Nobody WAS able to sneak up on our ninja heroes, who have been trained by Splinter so that they CAN'T be snuck up on (not sure if that is grammatical!). Leo -- or Mike -- should express surprise that Nobody has such stealth. Maybe something like this:

"80. LEONARDO
You really shouldn’t sneak up on us like that.
81. NOBODY
Obviously.
82. MICHELANGELO
No, what Leo means is that you really shouldn't be ABLE to sneak up on US like that."

2.) Re: the following:

"DRAMATIC ANGLE ON THE CRATES – as Nobody lifts a TRICERATON CANNON from it, Leo and Michelangelo appearing next to him.
138. **NOBODY (HUSHED)
What the heck is this thing?!
139. **LEONARDO (HUSHED)
A Triceraton Cannon... but it looks like Ruffington’s company made a few modifications."

I don't remember a "Triceraton Cannon" ever appearing in past episodes. I wonder if it might be better to refer to it as a "Triceraton blaster".


----------------------


notes on Ep. 68 premise / "The Entity Below"


1.) Re: the pendant that the Entity wore -- am I imagining it, or was that pendant a crystal that Don used (destroyed, actually) to cure the humans trapped as monsters in "Return to the Underground"?


2.) What is this "red crystal"? I don't remember it from before. Also, wasn't one of the problems faced by Don in "Return to the Underground" the fact that it was really hard to find enough crystals for his "cure"? How then do we have all these NEW crystals?


3.) As we discussed when you were up here, I think we should really work out -- at least for ourselves -- roughly WHERE the underground city is, geographically speaking. Is it literally under New York City? Or is it actually farther out, under the ocean? The reason I ask this is that I find the whole "Lava heating up the lair" thing a little goofy, and would prefer some other means of getting the Turtles to go back to the underground city. Perhaps there are strange things happening just offshore, like water bubbling and steaming... from which news the Turtles realize that something is going on in the underground city. It might even be cool to bring back one of the cured humans (who used to be one of the monsters in the underground) who is now in some kind of position/job where he or she would observe this strange phenomenon and recognize what it might portend... and then tell the Turtles.


------------------------


notes on TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
"Sensei"
(premise/outline proposal for #65)
by Bob Forward


This is somewhat better, though not nearly as much fun as the "young Turtle/young Arnold (Casey Jones)" idea we were playing around with.


The major problem (aside from the overused "Karate Kid" plotline) is the casual reveal of ALL the Turtles later in the story, AND the equally casual reveal of the connection between April and the Turtles. This is something that I think we should reserve only for those situations which either REALLY require it, or those in which it is UNAVOIDABLE -- and this tale is neither of those things. I'm also not really loving the idea that this Roberto kid is living in the back of April's store. In fact, why involve April in this at all? Why can't Roberto find a job somewhere else? We seem to trash April's store on a regular basis... maybe too often.


What if Raph hooks up Roberto with his new friend Mrs. Morrison (?), the old lady who Raph met and befriended in a recent episode (can't remember which one)? She could give him a job as a handyman -- maybe convince her landlord that this kid should be given the job, and he could get a small living space in her building. And maybe there is a shop or two or three in this building and we could have the climactic scene where the gang attacks the store be one of these establishments. (I really want to get away from always using April's store.)


I must say that I'm still not really excited by this story. It just seems so trite. There's really nothing here we haven't seen before. And the whole "Raph is angry" bit is getting tiresome. It's not that I don't think that, of the four of the Turtles, Raph is the one with the hair-trigger temper and is more often pissed-off, but here his anger doesn't seem to have any "raison d'etre". It's just a gimmick to get the story rolling.


As it stands right now, this is an episode that I see as being totally forgettable. Unless there is something that we can do to make it significantly better, I'd prefer to try something else.


One thing just occurred to me -- and while I know it's possible, it would require a lot of cleverness and work to pull it off. (Something I know our team can do!) It involves a twist on this "classic" "Karate Kid"-type story. What if we combined this tale with the "young Turtle/young Casey" story? My rough concept is this: We begin with some young person being hassled by bullies. Pull back to reveal that the Turtles are watching this and getting pissed off at the injustice. One of them -- Raph? -- is about to leap in and kick ass, but suddenly the cops show up and disperse the bullies. Mike starts talking about how they should do a "Mr. Miyagi" and teach this kid how to defend himself, stand up for himself. Raph and Don agree, but Leo is oddly reluctant. The others don't understand his reluctance, and finally Leo starts telling them a story -- a kind of embarrassing story -- from their youth.


It seems that when Leo was five (or however old he would have to be to fit in with our continuity and Casey's age), he had disobeyed Splinter's orders and gone out to explore the outside world. And he had come upon a situation much like the one they had just been observing -- a young boy being hassled by bullies. Leo is outraged and in his youthful naiveté thinks he can help this kid, much like Master Splinter has helped him and his brothers. He can show this kid some martial arts techniques and help him to be able to defend himself, give him some self-confidence.


But it won't do to reveal himself as a Turtle, so Leo puts together a somewhat goofy costume to disguise his mutant turtle nature (consisting of something like a hooded robe, big socks or floppy boots to hid his feet, etc.), and presents himself to the kid, who is reasonably wary of this weird person. In fact, at first he thinks Leo is just another bully come to pester him and he responds angrily, but Leo deflects the kid's attack with a couple of simple ninjitsu moves.


-------------------------


notes with Lloyd 01/28/04


possible fate of Shredder Utrom (after being tried by Utroms):


-- sentenced to bleak lifeless world (like Mars)
-- sentenced to jungle planet where he has to constantly run to avoid being eaten
-- sentenced to solitary life sentence in a self-contained spaceship which tumbles through the cosmos -- and it's cloaked so no one can rescue him


Karai becomes the new Shredder... she sees or somehow becomes aware of the hand the Turtles have in his demise/downfall and comes to hate them (even though the Shredder had done many evil things and had not always treated her fairly or well, she still loves him, like an abused kid will love the abusive parent). Her Shredder "look" would retain the traditional iconic elements, but have a different treatment.


-----------------


idea about the Entity (from "Notes from the Underground") -- these notes were made BEFORE I got the Ep. 68 premise:


-- The Entity is one of a group of the last survivors of Atlantis (maybe we should come up with a different name for it, an "original" name which the "Atlanteans" themselves called it, which has become distorted and blurred through the centuries -- Hondolas, Y'Lyntias, etc.) which perished -- as the ancient legends have it -- in some kind of cataclysm. We postulate that the cataclysm was the result of a revolt of the three classes/races/species of Atlantean slaves, which included the sea slaves (ancestors of the fishfolk as seen in "Sons of the Silent Age" Mirage comic), land slaves (Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Yeti types, maybe ancestors of the "Green Man" creature from the new TV show), and air slaves (some kind of winged, avian creature). These oppressed beings banded together and revolted for their freedom and turned the Atlanteans' advanced technology on them, resulting in the ruin/submergence of the island empire.
Some of the higher-ups -- maybe the best scientists -- fled to the North American continent, where they were pursued and harried by the avians. To escape this, they went underground, delving deep and building a new civilization (the remnants of which we see in "Notes From the Underground").
Yet to be figured out -- how and why the only Entity is awake and the rest of his kindred are in suspended animation.

Blast from the Past #371: More notes from the development of the 4Kids TMNT series: Thoughts about Bishop

(Note: I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but during the time that I was working with Lloyd Goldfine on the 4Kids TMNT show, every so often Lloyd would call me to discuss at length issues about the show which could not conveniently be covered with just email. Most of the time, this was because of some pressing deadline problem, and talking things out on the phone was the most efficient way to solve things. I recall many times getting calls from Lloyd on my cell phone while driving or riding my bicycle. I'm pretty sure the following is a recap of sorts after one such call. -- PL)

-----------------------------


From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine


April 6, 2004


Re: Thoughts about Bishop


Lloyd,


After talking with you today, I thought I should jot down these thoughts about the mysterious character known as Bishop. As I have said before, I feel that I don't really have a handle on the guy and his purpose and motivations, but maybe some of the things we talked about will help.


One thing that bothers me about him was one of the things in that outline -- the last scene with the President. I thought it was just not right, even given the little I understand about Bishop, that he would so overtly threaten the President, and that the President would so easily be cowed. I feel that even if Bishop is as dangerous and powerful as we have discussed that he is, he still needs to stay "under the radar", as it were -- he can't really demonstrate his power in ways which would threaten his employers, who I assume are the US government. As powerful as he is, he could not stand against the full force of the government (or, at least not yet).


Which is not to say that in a private meeting with Bishop, even as powerful a man as the President would not feel uneasy, perhaps even secretly fearful. Bishop is, after all, a creepy dude.


I feel strongly that to make Bishop a great character and give him some "legs", we need to create a cool and strong motivation for him. Why is he so invested in this concept of genetic engineering? Why is he willing to go to such lengths to achieve his goals? What IS his real aim?


Bishop is (at least in my understanding of him) the head -- or at least one of the most important agents of -- a secretive government agency (and we should probably think up a name for that agency at some point). The implication of this is that at some level, his activities are sanctioned by people in our government -- perhaps as high up as the President (though I think the jury is still out on whether involving POTUS is a good idea). However, at some point, Bishop's own personal aims and goals began to supersede his official, government-sanctioned ones, and he has increasingly been going off on his own tangents.


I think it would be great if we could define -- even in general terms -- WHAT that government sanction was for. I think there has been some indication so far that he is trying to find ways to create "super soldiers", and that would certainly be appropriate for his type of agency. Actually, this thought just occurred to me: What if the original purpose of Bishop and/or his agency was to create a new type of army which would be specially suited to battle extraterrestrials, on Earth or in space? It might be kind of fun to play with the idea that this agency was created as the result of an actual "flying saucer" crash (a la Roswell) years ago, in which the government recovered the remains -- maybe even a few live samples -- of ET's, thus sparking the urgent development of an "Earth Protection Force".


This could sort of tie in to the "Invasion of Earth" episodes in the beginning of the third season, which I believe is when we first encounter Bishop... maybe his presence in that scenario actually springs from the fact that he and his agency have been training in secret all these years to deal with an extraterrestrial threat, and this is their first chance for the "real deal". Of course, as we know, Bishop has his own agenda, which he pursues relentlessly, striking a deal with General Blanque as I recall.


Hey -- maybe Bishop IS an alien (one of those who crashed on Earth years ago)! Or the offspring of an alien and a human, or some kind of alien/human recombinant DNA experiment. Or... maybe in one of those crashed UFOs, we found a strange type of life-form which the aliens were transporting -- a kind of "blank" or template being, vaguely humanoid in appearance but initially amorphous in nature. The purpose of these "blanks" was to be configured as needed by their alien masters to whatever use was appropriate (i.e., if they need someone to work underwater, they program or configure a "blank" to grow fins, gills, etc.). And maybe we've figured out how to duplicate them in quantity, and Bishop's task is to find ways to enhance these "blanks". Maybe Touch and Go were once "blanks"! Or... maybe Bishop himself was once one of these "blanks"... and maybe once he was activated, he somehow took over the identity of an agent named Bishop, and used the "blank's" protean abilities to mimic this Bishop's appearance.


I wonder if it would be even MORE fun to go back even further, into the 1800's, and say that the extraterrestrials actually crashed on Earth back then, and the secret government agency was created then to deal with them at that time ("The League of Extraterrestrial Gentlemen"?).


On the other hand -- my idea about Bishop and mutated animals: The idea is that Bishop is obsessed with the Turtles and Splinter because he believes that humans are inferior to other animals and his goal is to create a new breed of being which will supplant humanity. His previous experiments with genetically engineering animals have not been terribly successful, especially in the area of enhanced intelligence, which is key to creating a superior breed... and he thinks that whatever it was that mutated the Turtles and Splinter could be the secret to his future success.
This could be an interesting way to introduce a whole new group of animal-based mutants into the show, which would please a lot of the fans of the old show and probably Playmates too... but as I said during our phone call today, I would only want to do it if it could be done in a cool way.




-- Pete

Blast from the Past #369: More development notes from the 4Kids 2K3 TV series

Here's another bit of history from the development of the 4Kids TMNT series. This somewhat short email is one I sent to Lloyd Goldfine in January of 2004 -- on my birthday, no less -- about the initial premise for the episode about the monster on Wall Street (can't recall right now what the title for that episode was). -- PL

-------------------------

January 27, 2004

To: Lloyd Goldfine

From: Peter Laird

Lloyd,

Comments on Ep. 66 premise:

Curiously, I don't really have many specific detail comments on this one, just some larger overall comments. It's funny to me that when I started reading the story, I began to think of changing it so that the creature had a long history of being in servitude to a long line of the same family -- and then that was what was in the premise!

I think that basically I like this one, but it needs some remolding. This has the promise to be a substantial tale, but only if we really transform it. One thing that I immediately latched onto was the mention in the early part of the premise that this building was on Wall Street, heart of the financial district. And it occurred to me that it might be cool if the monster wasn't necessarily in thrall to the family that keeps it, but that it could be more of a symbiotic relationship... that while the monster provides insights/knowledge/whatever to the members of this family, it feeds off the greed of the family -- greed that it promotes and enhances with its powers. (And isn't Wall Street -- rightly or wrongly -- seen by most people as the center of rapacious greed in this country?) It could be that the members of the family THINK that they have kept the monster captive, but it's really the other way around -- IT has enslaved THEM to feed its psychic hunger for greed over the centuries. (And we could have wicked fun with all of the evil things that this family did in pursuit of money, based on real events from history -- from selling smallpox-infected blankets to the Indians to covertly working with the Nazis during WWII, etc.)

I also think that while the idea of the latest (though not necessarily LAST) member of this family wants to end the perverse relationship with this monster, it would be cooler if he (or she) walls it up both physically and magically (with mystic symbols and the like) in an effort to deny it its sustenance (greed)... and this effort, while initially successful (begun a few years ago?) is thwarted or at least seriously set back by the damage from the Triceraton invasion which broke open its cage. And now it is sending its psychic feelers out, drawing to it those who can be enslaved to greed. (Maybe this is why the kids have been going into the building -- they hear its call.) I think it might work better to if the person the Turtles encounter who explains all this to them is not an old man (or woman) but a younger one.

While the Indian hatchet is a cool prop, I'm not loving the "poke the monster in the eye and it will be defeated" bit. I think instead we should think up a more clever way to defeat this thing. 

I think the whole "Turtles experience nightmares induced by monster" bit could very successfully be tweaked to reveal more of our characters' personalities/dreams without the cliched "vampiric April" and "monster Raph in mirror", etc. What I suggest is that the monster does in fact ensnare them, but instead of nightmares, it reaches into their minds and creates scenarios based on what they desire -- attacking them at their weakest. For example, Leo could dream of being a great warrior hero, lauded by the masses and set upon a throne, a Shogun. Mike could be seen with all of the snack foods and toys and STUFF that he could ever want in a giant mansion or estate (think Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch to the tenth power). Don's fantasy might be of having access to any kinds of technology or gadgets his heart desires. And so on. 

Now, they could struggle and eventually free themselves in a manner like what is in the premise, but I was thinking that it might be even more fun and cooler to bring Splinter into the scenario, and have the twist be that HE can defeat this monster because, as a master of Zen, he desires NOTHING ... and it drives the greed monster crazy.

I also wonder about bringing Angel back in this story, which doesn't really seem to have much to do with her or her brother -- they're just convenient props to get the story rolling. To my mind, it might work better if it were either April or Casey or both of them who bring the Turtles into the fray.

Also, I don't think this creature should be amorphous and bloblike -- it should have a really weird, Cthulhian-type anatomy.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #303: More notes

Yet another in my continuing series of randomly chosen emails to Lloyd Goldfine from the days when we were working together on development of the scripts for the 4Kids TMNT show. This one is about Episode 100. -- PL

____________________________________

Subj: comments on Ep. 100 second draft
Date: Wednesday, November 17, 2004 7:06:50 PM
From: Pete
To: Lloyd

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 100 second draft.

Much improved!

1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yeah, Leo, let’s hear about the Ancient One...!"

Don says "Yes", not "Yeah". But "Yes" would sound a little odd here, so why don't we keep this line as is and combine it with Raph's next line ("I want to learn about all the new ways you learned to kick butt") and make it all Raph dialogue.

2.) It's cute how Yoshi and Mash meet the Ancient One, but a little sketchy in the way the Ancient One decides to invite them to become his students of ninjitsu just because Yoshi returned a five yen note to the Ancient One. I wonder if it might be fun to stretch this scene out just a bit to include some display of physical prowess (flexibility, speed, agility, whatever) in addition to honesty on the part of Yoshi.
I think we also miss an opportunity here to foreshadow Mash's second string status. After all, it's Yoshi who returns the money. Mash is just there. Perhaps we could do something like this: The Ancient One looks at the slightly ragged Yoshi and says something to the effect that it looks like Yoshi could use a job/money. He tells Yoshi to follow him. Yoshi starts to, remembers Mash, asks the Ancient One if his friend can have a job too. The Ancient One pauses, looks at Mash, shrugs in agreement.

3.) Re: the following:

"CUT forward in time to show the two boys, now about age 16, hunkered up close to a black and white tv with the Ancient One, watching the first astronaut step out on the moon (1969). The boys are quite excited, the Ancient One not so impressed.
YUKIO MASIMI
Wow, Yoshi, a man walking on the moon!
HAMATO YOSHI
Outer space... it is so fascinating.
THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh. "

It occurred to me that it might be fun to have the Ancient One say something to indicate that he thinks the moon landing isn't real (whether he REALLY thinks this, or is just saying it to hold up his "old curmudgeon" image for the boys, is not clear). It could be as simple as changing the last line as follows:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Feh. Special effects."

4.) Re: the following:

"THE ANCIENT ONE
Good, you talk too much as it is. Lunar eclipse much better enjoyed in silence. "

There's nothing wrong with this line. However, it occurred to me that it might be cooler if, instead of "lunar eclipse", the Ancient One uses some kind of more poetic/traditional description of the phenomena -- something like "dragon swallowing moon". I have no idea if there is such a term in Japanese mythology/astronomy, but if so, it could be fun.

5.) Re: the following:

"Mortu has an arm cut off by the (last) katana-wielding Foot Ninja.

MORTU
My arm!"

I don't think Mortu needs to say anything here.

6.) Re: the following:

"WIDER to show Mash and Yoshi standing and facing the Mortu, unconscious Foot Soldiers strewn here and there. Mortu stoops and picks up his severed arm and begins reattaching it (it is now more obviously not flesh and blood but robotic).

MORTU
Nothing that can’t be fixed."

Because Mortu's arm has been SLICED off by a katana, it is unlikely that he could simply reattach it (as if some screws had come loose and it had fallen off). Yes, it can be fixed, as he says, but it will require significantly more effort that simply screwing or snapping it back together. I would prefer that when he says this line, instead of trying to reattach it, he simply examines the cut end of it, then tucks the severed arm under his other arm.

7.) Re: the following:

"YOSHI
By the stars above...!
TIGHT on Mortu.
MORTU
Indeed... perhaps it is by the stars above. Yes, it must be... it must be destiny that you two have saved my life tonight... destiny that has brought us together...
WIDER to show Mortu putting one hand on each of (one of their) shoulders.
MORTU
And destiny that you join... the Guardians. "

What is it that Mortu is smoking? He's babbling. That's a lot to be read into a chance encounter. I would like to suggest an alternative close to this scene: Yoshi and Mash react in astonishment to Mortu's robot-like anatomy. Just then, four (maybe fewer?) Guardians arrive, prepared to attack Yoshi and Mash. Mortu stops them, telling the Guardians that these boys saved him from the Foot attack.. The Guardians apologize to Mortu for being late to the battle (they were assigned to protect him, but were delayed for some reason which we probably don't need to get into here). One of the Guardians realizes -- and points out -- that Yoshi and Mash have seen part of his true nature. What to do? Mortu says something to the effect that they can leave, and the two boys will be left with a small mystery and their normal lives... OR... the boys can enter the world of the Guardians and the service of the Utroms, and learn the whole story. It's their choice.

8.) Re: the following:

"Walking barefoot across a bed of red-hot coals but not feeling any pain."

I'd prefer to take this one out. It's been pretty well conclusively proven that the classic "firewalking" stunt, which is supposed to show evidence of some incredible psychic power/mind over matter ability, is actually feasible because of the insulating/heat conducting qualities of ash (or something like that -- I've read about it in a number of places). So to avoid any kind of cheesy phony mind power stuff, let's replace this with something else or just take it out.

9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
As a result Yoshi was promoted time and time again, right up to the top rank of Guardian Commander... while Mashimi was passed over... time and time again."

Can we think up a different term than "Guardian Commander"? Nothing wrong with it per se, just thought something cooler and less military might be better. Maybe "Guardian Prime" or something like that.

10.) Re: the following:

"MASHIMI
You dare ask why, Yoshi? Isn’t it obvious? You have taken everything from me... beaten me at everything! But with this betrayal..."

Because the best bad guys never really think of themselves as "bad", I question Mash describing his own actions as a "betrayal". I think he would use some other more neutral or even positive word.

11.) Re: the following:

"TIGHT on Yoshi, holding up and looking at Tang Shen’s purple chopsticks, a silent tear running down a cheek while his face is filled with silent fury."

I think it might be a good idea here to do a quick dissolve to an image of Tang Shen showing here wearing the purple chopsticks... just to reinforce the connection for the viewer. It would only take a second or two.

12.) I still think we need more foreshadowing of Mash's drift to the side of evil, i.e. the Foot and the Shredder. Perhaps a quick, wordless scene during or near the end of the "Yoshi rising in the Guardian ranks/Mash getting jealous" sequence that would go something like this: A bitter-looking Mash ducks down some dark alley in a seedy part of time. He leaps over a wall and drops into a leaf-strewn and weed-choked courtyard. Cut to him standing in front of a door... he knocks on it in a specific sequence of knocks... the door opens onto darkness, and Mash -- with a quick glance backward (symbolizing his last moment "in the light", as it were) -- slips inside. The door shuts, and we see that there is a weathered (but still legible) Foot symbol on it. (We couldn't see it a moment ago when Mash was standing in front of the door.)
The reason I suggest this is that in the script as is, the entry of the Shredder and the Foot into the story (via the Mash connection) still seems too abrupt to me.

13.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Mashimi’s words struck Yoshi with the blistering force of an atomic bomb. Everything he cherished had been suddenly stripped away... leaving him blank... senseless... like he was filled with nothing at all. Empty."

The atomic bomb reference is a bit over the top. Actually, this whole paragraph is over the top. I get that Tang Shen has been taken from him, and he's bereft about that, and also about Mash's betrayal... but EVERYTHING? I think this needs to be toned down a little.

14.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Yoshi gave no quarter, took no prisoners... he was a machine intent on only one thing: victory.
LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Within minutes the tide had turned, as Yoshi single-handedly drove the Foot before him..."

I question the use of the word "machine" to describe Yoshi at this moment, because it seems to be the exact OPPOSITE of what he is here, which is a man driven by PASSION. Also, I have to say that I'm not crazy about this "super Yoshi" who is single-handedly driving the Foot horde before him. I think it would work better if his inspired combat actions inspire the other Guardians and Utroms, and they rally around him.

15.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Yoshi went after the Shredder with ferocity and precision...
Yoshi hacks off one of the Shredder’s arms and sends his helmet flying off, revealing a surprised and pissed Oroku Saki face.
LEONARDO (V.O. NARRATION)
Cutting off an arm, knocking off his helmet..."

Because we've already done an arm-severing in this episode, maybe instead Yoshi cuts off one of the Shredder's hands -- perhaps the one with the bladed gauntlet.

16.) Re: the following:

"YOSHI
I don’t blame you, sensei. I blame Mashimi. I will set this to rights or I will perish trying.
THE ANCIENT ONE
Perhaps more blood is not the answer. More blood will not bring Tang Shen back. More blood will only stain your hands forever."

I don't know if this will work, but I'll mention it anyway. What if the Ancient One uses a metaphor here to try to illustrate to Yoshi his point about vengeance? The metaphor is about a splinter... vengeance is like a splinter... it gets under your skin... irritating, torturing, getting infected and poisoning your life... unless you pluck it out (i.e. reject the way of vengeance). Yoshi goes ahead with his plans for revenge anyway, and kills Mashimi... but afterward realizes the truth of the Ancient One's words. And to forever remind himself of that sad lesson, he re-names his new pet, the rat which had belonged to Tang Shen... he calls it "Splinter".

17.) Re: the following:

"CUT back to the Shredder, quite pissed that things have once again gone awry. (Without Krang around to blame) Shredder (instead) moves into position to stand above Mashimi (much like Yoshi had stood a few minutes earlier).
TIGHT on Shredder delivering a powerful downward death-blow at us (at camera).
TIGHT as one of Mashimi’s hands goes limp."

I wonder if it might make the Shredder seem more like a badass is he doesn't deign to execute Mashimi, but instead makes a small gesture to his Foot Elite... who close in on Mashimi... one of them raises a weapon... and brings it down.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #301: More notes from the development of the 2K3 TMNT series

Here's another look back at an email of mine to Lloyd Goldfine, this time making comments about several different episodes -- at various points in their development -- of the 4Kids TMNT series. -- PL

_______________________


Subj: notes on 60, 61, 62 and 63 (various stages)
Date: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 4:28:22 PM
From: Pete
To: Lloyd

notes on extended 61 outline

1.) Could/should Marlin be related to Abigail Finn ("Monster Hunter"), with a similar accent? Maybe her brother?

2.) Should "Betsy" (Marlin' hunting rifle) have that name inscribed on it somewhere?

3.) Again, why, when Mikey has JUST GOTTEN THE CRAP BEAT OUT OF HIM, are the other Turtles just worried about poor l'il Leatherhead's feeling? I really think that at least ONE of them should say something to the effect that maybe it's not such a good idea to have Leatherhead as their house guest.

4.) This may be a bit too goofy, but I was thinking it also might be cool if Marlin had a little robotic "caddy" which would follow him around and carry his various mines, lasers, etc.... almost like a big robot dog. (It would give the Turtles or Leatherhead something to wreck, too.)

5.) I still think the gun should protect itself (i.e. when Leatherhead bites it) rather than have Marlin "pull a taser" from his pocket.

6.) Again, how does Marlin not only bind the huge Leatherhead but also "suspend" him from a catwalk?

7.) I'm not sure if/where this would work in, but I just had an image (inspired by the fact that Marlin uses such destructive weapons while hunting) of Marlin's "trophy room"... and it's not your typical trophy room with carefully mounted heads of large animals. Instead, it's a series of smallish domed glass cases with little BITS of various creatures he has tracked and blown to shreds.

8.) I'm still not loving the "drop Leatherhead into the pool of doom" plan that Marlin apparently has. DIdn't we just a bit earlier hear him say that this creature would bring him a lot of money if he could bring it back alive?

9.) I'm also still not buying that Raph's sais stop the giant cutting blades of the "sewage processor". And why do ALL of the Turtles jump into the water, when Marlin is still a threat?

10.) I don't like that Marlin does the suicide bit. It would work just as well if when he realizes "Betsy" is damaged, he also realizes that she is on overload and will very shortly blow up.

11.) Again -- WHY WHY WHYWHY WHY does Leatherhead SMASH through the wall to get to his new pad? It makes ABSOLUTELY no sense.

----------------

notes on final draft of ep. 60 "Touch and Go".

This one is much improved. I only have a few minor comments.

1.) Mike calling Splinter "Obi-Wan" in line 113 is very disrespectful. It's something that Mike MIGHT call Splinter when talking with his brothers, but NEVER to Splinter's face. I'd just use "Master" instead.

2.) As per my last notes about this, I think the staging of Mike and Splinter's miraculous "jump in front of the speeding train" escape could be staged much better.

3.) Do Mike and Splinter take Splinter's robe and walking stick and Mike's nunchaku from the hotel room after they beat up Hun and Touch and Go?

--------------------------------

notes on Ep. 63 Premise/Outline "Nobody's Fool"

1.) I love the (I think unintentionally) oxymoronic line describing Nobody in his police uniform in the preview -- "his face clearly not visible."

2.) Re: the following:

"Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "Even after the department buried me under a desk down in the dead case archives, I’m still a cop."

Close on – Nobody/Cop clenches his fist and slams it down on the desk.

"Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "They told me I rocked the boat too much. They told me police work was now more about public relations than catching the bad guy."

I suggest changing this to read "They told me I rocked the boat too much. They told me police work was now as much about public relations as catching the bad guy."

And I think it's "cold case files", not "dead case files".

3.) Re: the following:

"Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "Don’t bother trying to figure out who I am."

And, with an athletic, acrobatic leap and flourish of his cape, Nobody leaps over the side of the building and is gone disappearing into the night.

Nobody (v.o. cont’d): "My name is Nobody."

I would change the last line to just "I'm... Nobody."

4.) What if... when Leo and Mike encounter Nobody when he's wounded, part of what he does to convince them he's on the up-and-up (an important point) is to show them a "Justice Force" secret ID. However -- later on, we discover that it is not exactly valid.

5.) In Act Two, just before or while Mike and Leo are waiting for Nobody to show up at the Brooklyn Bridge, it might be a good opportunity for Leo or Mike to put a Shell Cel call in to Steve "Stainless" Steel to verify Nobody's JF credentials. To their surprise, Steve tells them that Nobody was once invited to join the Justice Force, but turned them down... but he apparently kept his temporary JF ID!

6.) Splinter's little lecture to Leo before he and Mike leave the lair seems a bit much.

7.) Why does Hun need The Twins (and why Twins? why not Triplets?) to signal that "it's safe" for him to exit the limo? Is Hun SCARED?

8.) The "Raph and Don becoming video game zombies thing" seems WAY out of character for both of them. This, I think, should be played more as a competition which gets out of hand, not some self-hypnotizing bit.

------------------------

notes on Ep. 62 outline "Survivalist Skills"

This one is in need of serious work. I'm not really happy with it.

1.) First of, I think Raph, Don AND Mike should be out in the woods (I'll get to "why"
in a moment). The scene with the apple being shot off the head should be DON shooting an apple off MIKE's head with a BOW AND ARROW (as in the comic) -- NOT Raph throwing a sai.
The major reasons (though not the only ones) to have Mike here are (a) he's not really needed in the farmhouse scenes, and (b) it is a CRIME to lose the "'chukker vs. 'chukker" gag when Pewk pulls out his nunchakus to threaten the Turtles, and NOT have Mike be there to respond.

2.) The Casey/April interaction is STILL stupid. Weren't these two just an episode or two ago making goo-goo eyes at each other while fixing April's shop's window? Why are they now pretending to not be interested in each other?
I suggest that we make a big change here, and that is this -- Casey's mom doesn't just randomly show up. Casey has secretly ASKED her to drop by, and his reasoning is this -- he wants April to meet his Mom (and vice versa) but in his own lug way, doesn't want April to feel like he's pressuring her or moving to fast in their developing relationship. (Meeting the parents, as we all know, is a big deal.) The reveal (that Casey asked his Mom to visit) could happen at the very end, and even continue to be a secret from April, in a coda scene with just Casey and his Mom, where he thanks her and she tells him that -- even with all of the wacky things that just transpired -- April is a peach, in her opinion. And in a REAL "zinger" upon which to end the episode, Casey's Mom says to him "... and you don't have to do it now, but someday I'd like to hear the story behind that big rat and the giant turtle." (Implying, obviously, that not only is Casey's Mom a lot sharper than they -- and the audience -- think she is, she's also willing to accept weird things in her son's life -- and I think we SHOULD bring her into the Turtles' world in future episodes.)
Also, let's get rid of the "Oops! Hide the Turtles!" stuff, which I think is REALLY tired and lame, and could be solved in one fell swoop by Leo and Splinter just LEAVING the house while Casey's Mom is there. Instead, let's do this as a series of "tests" that Casey's Mom gives April so she can see exactly what this potential daughter-in-law is made out of. (And April is more or less unaware that Casey's Mom is deliberately testing her.) Leo and Splinter could in fact surreptitiously HELP April pass those "tests" (whatever they are -- I'm sure we can come up with some good ones, probably involving patience, fortitude, strength, "class", etc. -- all things that anyone who marries Casey will HAVE to possess!).
I probably don't have to say it, but the "intro" bit with April tackling Casey's Mom and Casey wielding his baseball bats at the same moment is dopey and should GO.

3.) Re: Raph "slicing off Spud's entire belt" with his sai. Once again, the sai is not a slicing weapon. Just have him hook the grenade (or maybe ALL of them one after another, really fast) with his sais and toss it/them away.

4.) We probably WON'T have this scene anymore, but -- WHY are clean sheets kept in the ATTIC?

5.) The wedding gown bit is stupid.

6.) Re: the following:

"Donatello: "Yo, Rambo! Don't you know Turtles are cold-blooded? We don't give off heat signatures."

Somebody needs to bone up on science. "Cold-blooded" doesn't mean COLD!!!

7.) Re: the following:

"ON THE ROAD, the Shell Cycle ROARS down the road at speeds in excess of 140 miles per hour. The cycle ROARS right at camera... through camera... and away from camera..."

Why such ludicrous speeds?

8.) If we have Mike be with Raph and Don (and I think we should), he could head back to the farmhouse to warn Leo and the others about the survivalists AND get April or Casey to call 911 to help the wounded kid (Michael). Raph and Don could then -- instead of using the ShellCycle -- grab another vehicle from the survivalist camp and give chase with that. I'm thinking some kind of cool, souped-up dune buggy would be fun.

9.) Casey's Mom would not want to stay with "cousin Sid" (cousin Sid's a butthead).

10.) The plutonium core left sitting on the General's desk should have some kind of "Danger! Radioactive!" sign affixed to it (by Don), and not just a "from Santa" note.

11.) At some point Casey or his Mom should make clear that his full name is actually "Arnold Casey Jones".

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #300: More notes from the development of the 2K3 TMNT series

Here's another email, dated February 11, 2005, from back in the days when Lloyd Goldfine and I would work together on the development of the stories for the 4Kids TMNT tv show. I have to say, after re-reading this one, that maybe I could have been a little less obviously irritated, sarcastic and snappish. But sometimes, the material that some of the writers produced just struck me as egregiously careless. I think that this usually happened with writers who hadn't worked on the show before, or those who hadn't done their homework. Fortunately, it didn't happen all the time. -- PL

___________________________________________________________________________________

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 110 first draft.

Before I get into specific comments, I have to reiterate that I think we are missing a wonderful opportunity with this episode to add a lot of depth to two under-rendered characters -- Hun and (especially) Garbageman -- by exploiting my suggestion that we reveal that they are brothers. Instead, we basically have a repeat of the previous two Garbageman episodes, with a few details changed, and a silly, cliched origin story for Garbageman.

1.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER ON A CONVEYOR BELT – we watch some of the recycling process. A CRANE drops a LOAD OF TRASH onto the belt. Instantly CHOPPING BLADES descend on MECHANICAL ARMS to DICE up the trash. FOLLOW THE TRASH as the conveyor belt moves the sliced trash under a HUGE COMPACTOR that comes down to MASH all the trash flat. The conveyor belt proceeds to feed the sliced up, mashed trash into a huge FLAMING INCINERATOR (NOTE: the belt runs UNDER the flames of the incinerator, carrying the trash through to be melted, not entirely burned).
GARBAGEMAN (VO CONT’D)
Where the garbage that this city foolishly squanders is harvested – given value, given worth!
FOLLOW THE TRASH on the conveyor belt as it comes through the other side of the incinerator and we see two of the GARBAGEMAN’S WORKERS sifting through the STEAMING GARBAGE on the belt."

I am baffled -- how is this "recycling"? It seems totally ludicrous, done solely so we can have a "Tim Burton-esque" setting. I'm pretty sure that REAL recycling doesn't start with CHOPPING, MASHING, and MELTING, but instead begins with separating your raw materials into different basic groups so you can then determine what you have and what can be reused. Or maybe Garbageman's version of recycling is totally insane... which could be valid, given his character, but then that would affect the rest of the story.

2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER ON THE TWO WORKERS: they are ghoulish, deformed, subhuman looking characters. Their skin is pressed tight against their skulls. They have large, protruding eyes (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings). Their teeth are pointy, their hair disheveled, their skin a sickly yellowish hue. "

The obvious question here is -- aside from the desire to have a "Tim Burton-esque" look -- WHY? Why do they look this way? Why are their teeth "pointy"? Garbageman later claims that the were "once human garbage", so the assumption is that they are or were human -- how did they become these "Lord of the Rings" rejects?

3.) Re: the following:

"A loud BUZZING goes off. The group stops short and looks around, alarmed – except for Don, who looks at his work area.
CLOSE ON DON – his eyes widen as he smiles.
DONATELLO
The Shell Comm!
WIDE ON DON - running to his work area towards a new device, THE SHELL COMM. – a COMPUTER HUB with FLAT SCREEN MONITORS SUSPENDED ON METAL ARMS and lots of DIALS, BUTTONS and SPEAKERS."

This is SO dumb. Are we REALLY supposed to believe that this is the first time the Turtles have heard the "Shell Com"'s buzzer, so that they're "alarmed"? A buzzer -- yeah, that's pretty alarming. And the description of this "Shell Com" thing sounds ridiculous, considering that Don had, three seasons ago, created the Shell Cells, which were apparently a lot more sophisticated than this thing.

4.) Re: the following:

"OTS DON as he takes a SEAT at the Shell Comm’s console. A monitor before him ignites, on the screen is APRIL O’ NEIL."

"Ignites" does not mean "turns on", it means "starts burning". Or is this a new retro-tech Don has come up with -- candle-powered monitors?

5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
See you at the junkyard in half hour!"

That should be "half AN hour".

6.) Re: the following:

"A COUGHING APRIL throws her arms around a COUGHING Casey.

CASEY
April! I’ve cough been wantin’ to COUGH ask you somethin’

CASEY AND APRIL pass out to the floor, shrouded by black smoke."

Considering that he says this AFTER they've all started choking and passing out from the gas coming out of the submersible, this is REALLY dopey timing for this Casey line.

7.) This whole "Trojan Horse" bit with the submersible in the junkyard strikes me as really silly and lacking in logic. How did it get there? How does it leave? It seems to me that something that weird would garner a LOT of attention coming and going. And it's a SUBMERSIBLE, right? Wouldn't it make more sense if it were found somewhere near WATER? Also, why does Garbageman bother with this "dependent on sheer chance" method of gathering his "human garbage", when in his very first appearance he had a much more efficient way of doing so (his amphibious vehicle camouflaged as a garbage truck)? I appreciate the need to somehow get the our characters into Garbageman's clutches, but this just seems really weak and contrived.

8.) Re: the following:

"HUN
If this is some trick you sick freaks pulled, I’m gonna tear your heads off and use them as Xmas ornaments."

So how is Hun going to say that -- "Xmas" or "Christmas"? Can't the writer be bothered to actually write out "Christmas"?

9.) Re: the following:

"ON A GARBAGE WORKER - furiously shoveling COAL into a FURNACE with a SHOVEL. PAN LEFT past the furnace to see an ASSEMBLY LINE, where another GARBAGE WORKER greedily sifts through TRASH."

So Garbageman, with all his high tech devices, uses a COAL-burning furnace?

10.) Re: the following:

"GARBAGEMAN
A closed system…a perfect system!"

Garbageman (or the writer) obviously doesn't know what a closed system is -- one where nothing comes in and nothing goes out. That is clearly NOT what he has set up here.

11.) Garbageman's "circus freak" origin story is about as hoary a cliche as you can get.

12.) Re: the following:

"Casey and Hun find a PIPE and a STOP SIGN respectively and smash a blade apiece, but two blades lower to take the place of the blades they smashed! They keep swinging!"

Thank goodness that the blades which would otherwise chop up stop signs and pipes are vulnerable to those same stop signs and pipes when they are swung against the blades!

13.) Re: the following:

"RAPH dodges, then SMASHES two blades with his sai, breaking both!"

Maybe these are just the "practice blades", not the real ones which are supposed to chop up the garbage. Or somebody sold Garbageman some cheap imitation counterfeit blades. Sheesh.

14.) Re: the following:

"HUN
I’m gonna kick that fat psycho’s butt, right after I “recycle” you Jones!
HUN and CASEY leap for each other angrily and start fighting.
CASEY
Yeah…your mother!"

This action is SO dopey... and makes both Hun and Casey seem like complete morons who can't see IMMEDIATELY that escaping their imprisonment by this whackbag Garbageman takes precedence over their feud with each other.

15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’ve seen Garbageman tech before… Disable one, and they all go down"

Isn't THAT convenient? When did Don see this? I don't remember any incidents from Garbagman's past two appearances that would lead to this conclusion. And what does it mean, anyway? "Disable one, and they all go down" -- one WHAT?

16.) Re: the following:

" The conveyor belt drops everything into a HUGE SHREDDER.

CLOSE ON OUR HORRIFIED HEROES AND HUN. Hun points ahead!

HUN
The Shredder!"

Hah. Hah. This might ALMOST be funny if Raphael didn't repeat pretty much the same gag after the break.

17.) Re: the following:

"ON PLATFORM– Hun grabs the BO and THE TURTLES AND CASEY hoist him up. Hun is stunned, incredulous, wide-eyed, touched.
HUN
You…saved…me…WHY?"

While I have no problem at all with a scene which has the Turtles and Casey saving Hun instead of doing nothing and letting him die, this one is just dumb. This is HUN, remember -- the guy who can swing lampposts like they're toothpicks. SURELY in this kind of situation, he could pull himself up!

18.) Re: the following:

"THE GROUPS POV of the platform leading to the corridor – a ways down it is GARBAGE WORKER #1 carrying a WHEEL BARREL OF TRASH."

A "wheel barrel" -- is that anything like a WHEELBARROW?

19.) Re: the following:

"ON GROUP – on Casey’s order they charge after him.
CASEY
Get’ em!"

"'Em" is short for "them". If they are only chasing one person -- and assuming that person is male -- it would be "'im" (short for "him").

20.) The whole scene with the worker is, to put it mildly, wacky. First, our group charges after this poor guy -- why? Then Raph immediately wants to just beat the crap out of him -- why? Then Don stops Raph from hurting the guy, saying that they need to find out from the guy where Garbageman is (huh? why do they need to know that?) and how to get out of Recycle World... but doesn't even ASK the guy anything! (Bizarrely, Don even promises that Raph can beat the guy up later if Raph's good.) And then everybody stands around watching as Hun tortures this guy, breaking his bones, and nobody lifts a finger. And to cap off this stupidity, Don and Raph have a fun little conversation about how "good guys" can't torture people, but lucky for them "bad guys" like Hun can, all while this worker -- who has done NOTHING to any of them, and is obviously one of Garbageman's VICTIMS -- is brutalized by Hun. This is APPALLINGLY bad writing.

21.) Re: the following:

"THE TURTLES, CASEY, AND HUN look utterly horrified as they look off camera.
REVERSE – the lights reveal the GARBAGEMAN. "

Has this writer even SEEN any of the episodes of this show? Why are these characters "utterly horrified"? They have all seen things MUCH scarier than freakin' Garbageman! I could see them looking disgusted or repulsed, but "utterly horrified"? No way.

22.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ANGLE ON DON - the SERPENT’S JAWS are headed for his head. SUDDENLY - RAPH leaps in and STABS at the serpent’s “neck”.
The “HEAD” flies off, the arms coils loosen, Don wriggles free.
WIDER – GARBAGEMAN watches the action! The arm extends forth a new SERPENT HEAD (from the “neck hole” left by the first head) then CHOMPS DOWN AROUND RAPH’S TORSO and hoists him in the air.
ON RAPH - the SERPENT ARM sends ELECTRICTY surging through it, ZAPPING Raph, keeping him in a painful electrical stasis. "

This stuff is painfully cheesy. I like how the magical head-replacing serpent arm only remembers that it can send electricity through itself when it's holding Raph, but doesn't do it to Don. Bad, bad, bad.

23.) Re: the following:

"CASEY wails on GARBAGEMAN’S OPPOSITE SIDE with two bat-sized PIPES. "

It's "whales", not "wails".

24.) Re: the following:

"GARBAGEMAN
You had “opinions” about my work, perhaps you be recycled first?"

Should that be "you should be"?

25.) Re: the following:

" Hun continues WAILING on the machine fiercely."

Buy this writer a dictionary! It's "whaling", not "wailing".

26.) Re: the following:

"FOLLOW CASEY as he runs to a nearby PILE OF TRASH and picks up a giant TIMBER SAW BLADE. He runs to the base of the CLAW ARM holding APRIL and SLICES the arm clean off. "

I don't get this action at all. A "timber saw blade"? You mean one of those things that is used to cut WOOD? And Casey simply picks it up and casually slices through a METAL arm?

27.) Re: the following:

"Garbageman hangs on to the damaged catwalk for dear life. It CREAKS, giving way.
THE TURTLES get as close as they can get to him on their (undamaged) catwalk. Don reaches out with his BO.
ON GARBAGEMAN – he reaches out, but at the last second, the catwalk gives, dropping him into the acid below as it falls.
GARBAGEMAN
FRIGHTENED YELL
DRAMATIC DOWNSHOT – of Garbageman falling into the acid. "

Let me see if I understand this. Shortly before Garbageman is dangling over the vat of acid, the Turtles are willing to push over another vat of acid, the plan being that the acid will rush towards Garbageman and his partially-disabled walker machine and (apparently) destroy both him and the machine. They clearly don't care if Garbageman gets caught in the "river" of acid that they make flow toward him. But now, for some reason, they want to SAVE him from being dissolved in acid. WTF?!

28.) Re: the following:

" RAPH
Hey, that oversized noggin of yours sure came in handy when you climbed on up and fried those robo blade arms.
DONATELLO
And nice assist on the lock to Garbageman’s lair.
DONATELLO (CONT’D)
By the way, thanks for getting “mean and green” on Garbageman when he had me in his claw. I thought he as going to drop me in that acid for sure. You really raised some shell, Raph.
RAPH
Aw…that was nothing…compared to your idea to tip over the acid. Hey…who needs Leo and Mikey…we are the Teenage Mutant Dream Team. Gimme’ some green!"

This congratulatory exchange seems completely pointless to me, reiterating as it does action we've already seen, and for no apparent reason.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #298: more notes from developing the 2K3 TMNT show

Another randomly-chosen email, this time about one of my favorite TMNT Volume 1 comic book adaptations. -- PL

________________________________________


Subj: Fwd: Kirby
Date: Friday, May 23, 2003 11:52:36 PM
From: Pete
To: Lloyd

In a message dated 5/8/03 5:51:46 PM, Lloyd writes:

Hey Peter -

I was working my way through the Kirby show and I noticed that he calls the
device he made the "Gravity Equalizer" and not the "Gravitic Equalizer" as
it's called in the original comic. I don't recall this change, and as I
know how attached you are to the original I wanted to know your feelings
about it. I can easily have it changed if you prefer.

Lloyd,

I appreciate your perceptiveness, but I think that's no big deal. I didn't notice it!

Also, while I have you here, did you watch the Kirby locked picture yet? I
have to say that the ending is a REAL DOWNER, and it kinda bothers me. I
know we talked about it, and Kirby's last line does speak to his situation
in life, but it really doesn't speak to his situation this particular story
(which is a rather light-hearted fantasy, all things considered). I really
think it'd work better to find another quote from him (did you ever get that
Comics Journal Jack Kirby book I sent you?) that was a more appropriate
message to Don and the situation than what we currently have. Let me know.
After viewing the episode I had to ask one last time!

I did watch the locked picture today -- I was really looking forward to this one. I got quite a thrill seeing so much of one of my favorite TMNT stories realized on screen. And while I am about 95% happy with it, I am also somewhat disappointed with the ending, though for a slightly different reason than yours. I don't recall exactly how it was in the final script and/or the storyboards, but I was surprised and a bit let down that the episode ends on Raph's "What's eatin' him?" line and not Kirby's "Life at best..." quote as in the comics (in the show, that quote comes when Don looks at the paper airplane in the cellar). Also, because there is no written text on the paper airplane/sketch page, the scene is kind of weird because it plays as if Kirby is speaking (which he is not), instead of Don reading what Kirby has written and the audience (and Don) hearing the words in Kirby's voice. If there is any way to get the text of the note onto the paper in that scene, I think we should do it.
While the story is a downer in a sense, in another sense it's not. The only REAL downer, as I see it, is that Don had made a cool new friend and lost that friend all in one afternoon... and MAYBE also that Kirby can't get back to our world. I guess I always thought that there are two reasons that Kirby sacrifices his chance to get back to our world and lets Don go though the shrinking portal first: One, Kirby's a good guy with great nobility, and Two, if he had to be stuck somewhere with little or no chance of getting back to our world, this other dimension -- where he is now a hero in the eyes of the human-types that live there, and they've come right out and told him that he's welcome in their lands -- is definitely far from the worst place to be. And when you think about it -- he's a guy living by himself in a crummy little dingy basement one-room apartment!
Here's what I would prefer to see, if possible: The paper airplane flies out of the disappearing portal. Don picks it up, and looks at it. Cut there (before we see the drawing or hear Kirby speaking his written lines on that sketch), then go to the shots of Don coming back upstairs, Raph doing his "What's eatin' him?" line. Then a new shot of Don sitting down somewhere (preferably by himself in a separate room, but maybe we could get away with him sitting down on the living room floor as he had been earlier, or maybe at that table where we had seen him earlier welding/soldering something). And this is where we cut to the angle on the unfolded paper airplane, and see and hear Kirby's last note to Don. End.
Now... I can almost hear your voice saying we can't do any new animation, because of time constraints, or budget. I hope that's not the case, and this would be very little in the way of new animation, and as I pointed out we could probably use already created backgrounds, and only animate a couple of seconds of the figure of Don as he sits down and holds the paper.
As far as changing the content of those last lines from Kirby to Don, I would prefer to leave them as is, but if you want to offer a hint that MAYBE Kirby is not lost forever in that other dimension, perhaps Kirby could say something like "See ya around, pal!" or "Hope to see ya again someday!" or something like that after or before his "Take care of yourself!" line. Oh... I just thought of another subtle but perhaps cool way to imply that maybe it isn't hopeless -- if we COULD do another couple of seconds of animation (and this would not be terribly complex animation -- one figure against a static background) AFTER Don reads/hears the note from Kirby... we cut to a medium (waist up) shot of him sitting there... and then he just raises one eyebrow, maybe touches his chin (the classic "Thinker" pose) and maybe goes "Hmmm..." The idea here is that the viewer would be inclined to think, from this little hint, that clever boy Donatello is already thinking up some way to rescue Kirby from that other dimension (even if he isn't going to in the course of this series).

Dan Berger watched the episode with me and pointed out a possible goof-up in logic and continuity: As animated, the drawings that we actually SEE come to life and come off the page in Kirby's sketchbook don't leave any trace (the weird little winged fly thing, the stickman)... but later, when Kirby and Don are in the other dimension, we see that all of the other creatures that Kirby drew ARE still in the sketchbook, at least in the form of pencil drawings. It's probably too late, but I wonder if we can change those bits where the critters come off the page (and by the way, I LOVED the way they animated that -- peeling off the page -- and the way the "stickman" acted cracked me up) and instead of the drawing disappearing as the critter comes off the page, have it stay there, not in color, but as a black and white pencil drawing.
Dan also pointed out that Raph is wearing his elbow and knee pads... in the shower! (I can't recall right now -- is he also wearing his bandana?)

Lastly, I desperately need your notes for episode 34 1st draft script! And
we'll be sending you a new draft of 33 tonight.

I'm trying to find that file for ep. 34 first draft script, but all I can locate on my computer for ep. 34 is the outline. Please re-send it! (I also did NOT get ep. 33 new draft today.)

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #297: more notes from developing the 2K3 TMNT show

Here's another randomly-chosen email exchange between Lloyd Goldfine and me, this time regarding the development of the story arc for the second season. Curiously, it is from a day almost exactly seven years ago -- I only noticed this when I checked the date. -- PL

______________________________________________________


Subj: Fwd: Checkin' in...
Date: Friday, April 29, 2003 11:50:52 PM
From: Pete
To: Lloyd


In a message dated 4/28/03 8:40:15 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Please take the time to look over the additional story arc stuff I sent you earlier today and get me your comments asap (greatly appreciated, as always!). >>

Lloyd,

notes re: second season

Episode 35/"Reflections": I think I've already said that I don't like "clip" shows (who does?), but if we must, we must. I would like to try to make it into something cool, if possible, something that would stand out from a typical "clip" show. Not sure what that would be, exactly. One idea: Make the framing sequences April writing in a new journal, telling her story of the incredible new life she has had since meeting the Turtles. She could be doing it on a bus, or out in the park, or in a coffee shop, or maybe in a number of locations. The end of the show could be a funny bit where she packs up her stuff to go home, but unseen by her, her new journal slips out of her purse/bag and is subsequently picked up by someone who reads it and says (gag coming!) "This would make a great comic book!" I wonder if that gag would work if we had the two cops who are drawn as charicatures of me and Kevin be the ones who find the journal... we could show them in that same coffee shop, eating donuts or something. The younger cop could be the one who is enthusing, and we could reprise a gag from the first episode of the first season when the older cop pauses for a moment, then says "Rookie...!", then takes the journal and tosses it into the coffee shop's "lost and found" box as the two cops leave the shop.

Episode 36/"The Ultimate Ninja": This isn't a bad idea, but needs some honing. A basic problem I have with this kind of story is that if this Ultimate Ninja (is that name taken already?) is so good he can easily defeat Casey, Raph, Mike and Don, why does he have any trouble with Leo? Are we saying that Leo is better than Casey, Mike, Raph and Don together? Doesn't seem right.
I think it would be cool if we could tie this story in to the "The Big Brawl" cross-dimensional martial arts tournament. Perhaps this Ultimate Ninja is a recruiter sent out by the organizers of the tournament to evaluate possible contenders... or maybe he is truly evil, and he's going around trying to eliminate possible contenders. If done right, this could not only be a standalone story but serve as a nifty foreshadowing of "The Big Brawl".
Some detail comments:

-- I like the watching of the western movie thing, but Mike doing a "John Wayne" thing to Splinter and referring to him as "l'il missy" and "ma'am" seems a bit weird. I'd suggest changing those to "pardner" and "muchacho" or "hombre" or some such.

-- The idea that the Ultimate NInja would attack them at an ice cream shop seems kind of strange. Why there? How does he know the Turtles are even there, if they never come out of the BattleShell? And why does he take April prisoner (shades of the old series!)? Also, I thought Splinter has stayed behind in the lair, but he shows up in the battleshell to talk about the gunfighter in the movie, but then is seen no more in that scene.

Episode 37/"Modern Love: The Return of Nano":

-- I think there is an opportunity for some humor if Mike gives Don some crap about needing scuba gear ("Man, you're a TURTLE!"), followed by Don telling Mikey that the water passage from the lair could be miles long ("How long can YOU hold your breath, Mikey? Remember, turtles don't have GILLS!").

-- I don't object to the return of Nano per se, but I really don't want to see him becoming a recurring character or becoming too important to the Turtles, i.e. making a whole lot of Don's inventions for him. I also think we're missing a really interesting opportunity here by not playing with the interaction between Harry and Dr. Richards (did she have a first name? I can't remember), and also between those two and Nano. It's cool how Nano has brought together his "mother" and his "father" to try to have a family, and I think we can do more with this to make this a really strong emotional episode. If it works out, it might even make a neat two-parter.
One thing that struck me as I was reading your plot idea is that both Harry and Dr. Richards are both "damaged" people who have made some bad choices in their lives and have come to the conclusion that they'll just have to live with them. They've both abandoned any hopes or dreams of having families -- Harry because he's a two-bit hustler living out of a suitcase, and Dr. Richards because she's so career-obsessed and driven. I think it would possibly be a cool thing to have Nano's misconceived idea (bringing these two people together to be his "family") actually, in the end, work... some spark or connection happens between Harry and Dr. Richards, something that makes them realize how much they have given up, and that this might be the opportunity for both of them to have a fresh start.
In fact... if we could have these two opposites come together in a "love connection", it might afford us a fun opportunity to have a little moment where our regular cast is observing this, and one of them comments on the fact that these two are such opposites and yet they have bonded... and there could be a look, a glance between Casey and April... something brief, and they hastily look away, but that glance spoke volumes. (It also connects to another point I was going to make -- I would really like to see the Casey/April relationship move forward this second season. Specifically, I think it would be cool/fun to do a "First Date" episode which would be a "comedy of errors" type thing wherein Casey and April attempt to go on a first date, but all kinds of things and misunderstandings get in the way, finally culminating in their first kiss. As well as this, we should attempt to fit in -- wherever possible and as long as it makes sense -- little Casey/April bits in the other episodes which show them slowly growing closer (much to their mutual amazement).

-- "Back at the secret lab, Harry, Nano, and Dr. Richards are hiding out." Is this HER secret lab? I was under the impression that this was some large company she worked for, with other staff and such. If so, it might be kind of hard for all of them to hide out there.

-- I don't have a problem with April wanting to reopen her father's antique shop, but calling it "The 3rd Time Around" doesn't sit right with me, for some reason.

-- I'm REALLY not sure I want Nano coming to stay with the Turtles.

Episode 38/"Return to the Underground":

-- I'm REALLY not sure I want Nano coming to stay with the Turtles.

-- The Tunneler is a cool idea, but I don't really like the way it's used. The idea that our heroes are going to get into what is essentially a rocket and fire themselves at breakneck speed down some kind of dodgy pre-drilled tunnel just seems weird and needlessly dangerous to me. Why do they need to go so fast?
I think a different kind of Tunneler mechanism would be better. Here's a thought -- what if Don had somehow scavenged (or adapted from some technology in the Utrom hoverskiff) a kind of short-range transmat gizmo which he mounts on the front of the Tunneler, and what it does is transport a big clump of stuff from in front of the Tunneler, creating a void into which the Tunneler advances, then it beams that clump into the space the Tunneler just vacated. No muss, no fuss! No messy tunnels leading every which way! This method might also lead to a cool moment of jeopardy when the drive fails momentarily -- and our heroes are trapped in a pocket within the rock, with no entrance... and no exit!

-- As I've said, I'm not crazy about the idea of Nano being used so much. I really feel like we should wrap up his story in the "Modern Love" episode. That being said, I could see Don having a sample of Nano (a non-sentient sample) which he could use to help out the Underground dwellers.

-- I'm also not crazy about the underground genetics lab becoming the Shredder's new hideout. It brings him uncomfortably close to the Turtles' lair, and also I feel like we should try to add some new locations in this second season so we don't seem to be rehashing stuff.

Episode 39/"City at War" part 1: I like the fact that you want to adapt the "City at War" stories from the comics, but I think some basic things need to be readjusted.

-- We originally broke up the Foot into the following factions, all of which were at odds with the others:

-- Shredder's Elite Guard -- the smallest group, fanatically devoted to the Shredder, consummate martial artists

-- Foot Soldiers -- the basic "grunts" of the Foot Clan, numerous, skilled, not very good planners

-- Foot Scientists -- the tech division of the Foot, somewhat skilled in martial arts, but mostly talented in creating/developing high-tech weapons (they created the robots in the comic version of "City at War")... less numerous than Foot Soldiers, somewhat better at planning. For the TV show, the enhanced Foot Tech Ninja could be part of this crew.

-- Foot Accountants -- don't laugh! These guys ran the daily financial operations of the Foot Clan in NYC, and are skilled at manipulating same and also any kind of organizational paperwork stuff. (They shut off the power to the Foot Scientists' lab facilities in the comics by manipulating billing records at the electric company!) They number about as many as the Foot Scientists, and are about as skilled in martial arts.

-- Foot Mystics -- we actually didn't have these guys in the comics (though they WILL be showing up in some of the new Mirage TMNT comics; Steve Murphy has a cool story for the new Tales of the TMNT comic featuring a battle between Splinter and a Foot Mystic), but as they are a part of the show it would be cool to include them. They are perhaps less numerous than the Shredder Elite, but very skilled in the dark arts.

The reason I have gone through all this is that I think it's important for the "City at War" storyline to keep one of the major threads, which is the idea that the Foot, now being leaderless, has fractured into these squabbling factions, and really needs a strong leader (in this case Karai) to come in and bring them all back together again. The Shredder Elite would never work with the basic Foot Soldiers in an alliance against the other Foot factions -- they are too fanatical.
Also, while it's kind of a neat twist to make Karai a pawn of the Utrom known as the Shredder, I thinks it's also a mistake. I think Karai should be much like she is in the comics, a powerful character who brings unity (and the potential for conflict with the Turtles down the road) to the Foot. This is key because that also means that she can/should come into conflict later on with the Shredder, if we bring him back as I suspect we might. I think she could become a strong adversary for the Turtles in her own right.

We need to be very careful to not forget another key ingredient of the "City at War" saga -- and that was how it pointed out quite clearly (and I remember we very deliberately did this) that as strong and powerful and capable as the Turtles are, they are completely out of their depth when they get involved in this huge war among the Foot factions. I feel there is a but too much "superhero-ing" in these "City at War" episodes, with the Turtles jumping in and fighting with the different groups in this conflict for no reason (apparently) other than to have fights. (For example, there's a scene where Leo has followed some Foot Soldiers to the "rundown place" where they are squatting in "filth and squalor", and for no reason that I can see he's about to "leap down and engage them" when he is held back by the other Turtles.) I really want to keep this to a minimum, and have them only get involved when they have to.

It also affords us the opportunity to show some conflict AMONG the Turtles, to show that they don't all always think with a "group mind". Raphael -- and Mike, who has shown himself to have a desire to "do good" -- might feel more inclined to jump in and mix it up with the battling factions, and Leo could find himself leaning in that direction (i.e. not wanting to be passive) but also realizing that as leader that would be a bad decision. Don might take a more passive attitude ("Not our problem!") and argue that not only are they "the Turtles) not capable of battling all these factions, but maybe they'd all be better off if these factions essentially killed each other off.

Episode 40/"City at War" part 2:

-- While the exchange between Mikey and April about him leading the Foot back to her new shop is a funny bit of business, it also makes Mikey look like a complete insensitive jerk due to the way it's handled, i.e. he KNOWS that he has put her in danger... but does it anyway. If, on the other hand, we could play it as if he didn't even THINK of that possibility, and when April angrily points it out to him he's really freaked out, that might work.

-- Going along with my earlier comments about the structure of the conflict among the Foot factions, I think a key thing to make this story work is to get across the idea that when Karai arrives from Japan, she is able to take control of the basic Foot Soldiers, as she represents an authority that they understand and respect, and she is then able to use them in her efforts to bring the Foot factions back together under her control.
I mention this in part because of some questions raised in my mind when I read the water tower scene where Karai and her two aides somehow conceal themselves in the water tower while the Turtles are there sitting around talking, with no idea that anyone else is in there with them. This seems somewhat silly. I'd like to bring this more in line with the way it was in the comics, if possible. And we have another situation here where a character is introduced (Karai) who is apparently better and more skilled than all of the Turtles combined.

Episode 41/"City at War" part 3:

-- My two major problems with this episode are (a) the continued (over)use of the underground Foot Genetics lab, and (b) making Karai the Shredder's secret accomplice.

Episode 42/"What a Croc!":

-- I like the use of Leatherhead in this episode, and I think the way you have brought Baxter Stockman into it is cool, though I think we have to be a little careful that he doesn't turn up EVERYWHERE.

-- I don't see why the Turtles' switching weapons would confuse the TurtleBot -- wasn't it just able to counter those same weapons? I think we need a more clever solution to this problem -- maybe Leo tells them all to "fight badly", i.e. alter their usual precision of attacks and counterattacks to mess with the robot's programming. This could be foreshadowed by a "Splinter lesson" where he teaches them (or tries to) about the value of flexibility in battle, of changing your attack to adapt to your foe's unique qualities.

Episode 43/"The Garbageman Returns": I think this one needs to be thought out a lot more... if we bring back a character like Garbageman, who -- let's face it -- was not our most cool or interesting character, we should have a very good reason. I need to hear more about what you have in mind here -- the image of the junk car slowly making its way across the seabed is an intriguing visual, but right now makes not a whole lot of sense.

Episode 44/"April's Artifact": Of course I love the idea of mixing in dinosaurs and time travel! It would also be cool to introduce Renet from the TMNT comics, and, in fact, we have in the works right now a "reimagining" of TMNT Vol.1 #8 which is going to tell the story of how the Turtles first met Renet and the sorcerer Savanti Romero, but in a different way (and without Cerebus). It might actually be a story which could be adapted to an episode without much trouble.

Episode 45/"Monster Mash": A good monster story is always fun, and it might be cool to get a little spooky. And if we can work some Lovecraftian stuff in there -- all the better!

Episode 46 and 47/"Rogue Triceraton": Cool.

Episode 48/"Northampton Retired Superheroes": Cool.

Episode 49-51/"The Big Brawl": This could be great fun and help to expand the Turtle universe (something I think we really need to do in this and following seasons), and especially would be great if we can work Usagi Yojimbo into it. There could be tons of cool kick butt ninja action. As mentioned earlier, it might be neat if we could connect the "Ultimate Ninja" episode with these.

Episode 52/"Big Season-Ender Cliffhanger": I'm not sure if by "exposed to the media once and for all" and "return of the Utroms" you meant that you are considering working in the continuity from Vol. 4 (the current TMNT comics series), where the alien Utroms have arrived on Earth in full view and the world is changed completely. It would be a bold step, and might work well for a number of different reasons. I'm not so sanguine about the "one Turtle seemingly killed" thing, though I will keep an open mind.

------------------

I think we really need to put our thinking caps on and try to think up some new villains, heroes, and situations to get the Turtles into for this and future seasons. I'm not averse to bringing back characters from past episodes, but I'm only really interested in doing that when we can tell some new and compelling stories. What about friends and family of Casey and April? What about a Splinter solo story? What about an adventure in a "microworld" (the old "universe in a grain of sand" idea)?

Look forward to working on any and/or all of these with you, Lloyd!

-- Pete >>