Subj: Re: Ep 77 Third Draft
Date: Friday, May 14, 2004 1:15:16 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on Ep. 77 third draft ("Exodus: Part One").
First, before anyone gets too excited about this draft being ready for production, it's clearly NOT (at least as far as I'm concerned). See point five, below. There are significant plot holes and problems to address.
1.) Re: the following:
"BISHOP (CONT’D)
… that Oroku Saki has an intergalactic starship?! Why didn’t you say anything about this earlier!?"
A minor point, but is "intergalactic" really needed?
2.) Re: the following:
"*BISHOP
You, you, finish rigging this tunnel for demolishing! I don’t want to allow Saki any chance to move his ship."
Would "demolition" sound better than "demolishing"?
3.) Re: the following:
"*MICHELANGELO
A little intergalactic mayhem perhaps?"
Again, a minor point, but the use of "intergalactic" seems a bit extreme. Why not "interstellar"? Or maybe "outer space" would sound more Mikey.
4.) I'm STILL disappointed that we don't have the scene where Hun realizes that Saki is an Utrom. What happened?
5.) I'm having some SERIOUS problems with the way this episode is going. I have yet to understand -- or have made clear to me -- WHY it is a good idea that we have this gross destruction and obvious reveal of the Saki/starship connection. Is this supposed to play into stuff that happens in the following season? If Karai is to lead the Foot in the Shredder's absence, and if the Foot is to continue to exist in NYC, does it make any sense at all to have all this happen in plain view?
Unless someone has a really clever idea about why this makes sense -- an idea they're not sharing with me -- I really think we're missing the boat on this one.
-- Pete
-----------------------
Subj: Re: Ep 78 First Draft
Date: Friday, May 14, 2004 1:12:21 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Here are my comments on Ep. 78 ("Exodus: Part Two") first draft .
1.) As I was reading the parts about all the destruction caused by the flames from the Shredder's starship's rockets, it occurred to me -- ROCKETS???!! A starship with ROCKETS???!!! Is this "Buck Rogers"?
2.) Re: the following:
"KARAI SETS HIM inside the stomach cavity of an EXOSKELETON. We CRANE UP the body of the exoskeleton as it slowly comes to life, arms moving, fingers flexing, and then eyes illuminating.
REVERSE ANGLE ON KARAI - wearing her tattered evening dress. On wall racks are TRICERATON BATTLE WEAPONS and FEDERATION BLASTERS... and on a pedestal is the imposing SHREDDER ARMOR.
Karai submissively lifts the armor’s CHEST PIECE, and SLIDES it over Saki’s exoskeleton form, in essence “dressing” her master."
This scene intrigues me -- I think it would be very cool visually if the exoskeleton Saki gets into does not have a "skin" so that he looks like the human Oroku Saki... instead, we get something we haven't seen before -- an Utrom exoskeleton dressed in the Shredder's armor! And to make it even cooler, we could tweak the exoskeleton to make it a little bit more evil and threatening than the standard Utrom exoskeleton.
3.) Re: the following:
"CHAPLIN
Okay, let’s thin the herd a bit with a little diversion. Escape pods away!
CLOSER ON THE SCREEN – where THREE ESCAPE PODS have been ejected, and are floating toward the deadly swarm.
And then he starts to think...
CHAPLIN
I sure hope we won’t be needing those."
This is an almost painfully stupid move on Chapliin's part and an equally painfully obvious setup for something to come -- i.e. somebody needing those escape pods. Am I wrong?
4.) Re: the following:
"BACK ON SHREDDER – using his left HAND-BLADES to slash some THICK BUNDLED HOSES. STEAM shoots out, billowing up into CAM.
CLOSE ON MORE HOSES – as SLASH! They’re also severed, sending even more steam into the area, creating a cloud of whiteness.
ON RAPH AND MIKEY – unable to see through the steam."
"Steam"? Why does a starship need STEAM pipes? This seems like a pointless exercise, especially if -- just think about it for a moment -- this billowing steam hides Karai and the Shredder from the Turtles, wouldn't it ALSO hide the Turtles from Karai and the Shredder? Well, maybe not the Shredder -- his Utrom exoskeleton may have built-in infrared vision or something -- but Karai is not so equipped.
5.) What's the deal with everybody losing their weapons into the plasma core? It's starting to get a BIT silly.
6.) Re: the following:
"The helmet blades SPARK against Shredder’s armor blades, who is KNOCKED BACK against a THICK POWER CABLE.
Shredder SLICES the cable, then grabs it, thrusting its electrified end right into Splinter’s chest – SHOCKING HIM."
Not that this is not a dramatic scene, but I really have a problem with the Shredder deliberately and blithely slashing power cables (and earlier, the "steam" pipes) -- I thought he was trying to SAVE his ship. Or are these redundant, unnecessary systems? And does he really NEED to electrocute Splinter to defeat him?
7.) Re: the following:
"MICHELANGELO
We don’t stand a chance without our weapons.
DONATELLO
We didn’t do all that great WITH them.
RAPHAEL
Well boys… Then I guess we go down fighting!"
What kind of weenie, defeatist crap is this?! They should be ashamed of themselves -- some ninjas they are!
8.) Re: the following:
"Leo stiffens and drops to the floor to reveal Karai behind him, having just clubbed him hard with the Honeycutt Tech-Tablet. She then TOSSES the tablet dismissively to the side –"
Okay, I'm a little confused -- isn't this "Tech-Tablet" like the size of a Palm Pilot? How is Leo knocked almost unconscious by this dinky little thing?
9.) I have to say I REALLY don't like the "time freezing" bit when the Utroms arrive to save everyone. It's a pointless, illogical bit done solely for the purpose of a cool visual.
10.) Re: the following:
"MORTU
Council Members. On trial for the atrocities committed against the Utrom Homeworld... the Shredder."
Would Mortu refer to him as "the Shredder"? Or would he use his true Utrom name (whatever that is)? His line might go something like this:
"On trial for the atrocities committed against the Utrom Homeworld: _______ (the criminal's Utrom name), also known as Oroku Saki, also known as the Shredder."
11.) The "moon farm" thing is a tad goofy, I'm not sure exactly why. Maybe we should rethink it. Do we need to get into specifics about what the Shredder's crimes against the Utroms are/were?
12.) Re: the following:
"COUNCIL MEMBER (VO)
You are hereby sentenced to eternal exile on the ice asteroid Morgal’Tall!
It’s revealed he’s on a frozen wasteland, taking a lurching step forward… glowing eyes flickering as he starts freezing solid.
WIDER to see his limbs seizing up as he RIPS open his midsection to reveal his Utrom form inside. He bellows in rage!
SHREDDER (UTROM FORM)
Noooooooo!!!!!!
WIDER STILL as his exoskeleton freezes mid-step, blustery ice and snow WHIPPING through FOREGROUND, his yell echoing. "
If this environment is cold enough to so quickly incapacitate an Utrom exoskeleton, how is the Saki Utrom supposed to be able to survive more than a few seconds? This makes no sense as a punishment of "exile" -- it's more like an execution.
-- Pete
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete