Blast from the Past #612: April 23, 2003: Hey Stan and Stan Sakai, and April 30, 2003: Re: Checkin' in...

Subj: Hey Stan!
Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 12:22:17 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Stan Sakai

Stan,

I hope this is still your email address -- you sent it to me March 5, 2002.

If you do get this message, I hope it finds you and your family healthy and happy. Thanks for continuing to send the USAGI comics -- I enjoy reading them.

I'm not sure if you've had the opportunity (or the inclination!) to see our new TMNT show on Fox (Saturday mornings at 10:30, I think). I'm really happy with it -- it is so much more like the show I hoped for way back when. I worked really closely with 4Kids on the storylines, many of which have come right from our original comics, which is quite satisfying.

Anyway, on to the specific reason for this email... this past month I have been working with Lloyd Goldfine (head writer at 4Kids) on the second season of the show, and we both agreed that, if possible, we would love to include Usagi in one or more episodes. In REALLY rough form, the idea that I proposed to Lloyd (which would allow us to have the Turtles encounter Usagi without having him come to the present time in NYC) is that Splinter and one or more of the Turtles (maybe all of them) travel through some "mystic ninja portal" to a place outside of time and space, where dimensions collide... and martial artists from all over come together for a series of competitions. So Usagi, from his reality of anthropomorphic animals in feudal Japan, can meet the Turtles, from their human-dominated reality of NYC in the year 2003.

I'm sure there are any number of other ways to get Usagi and the Turtles together, but that's the one idea we've talked about so far.

If you're interested in pursuing this, please let me know, and we can get the ball rolling on both the legal (contracts) and creative (you, me and Lloyd) sides. I think it would be a heck of a lot of fun!

Take care!

-- Peter Laird

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Subj: Stan Sakai
Date: Wednesday, April 23, 2003 10:54:22 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Today I emailed Stan Sakai and asked him if he'd be interested in our including Usagi Yojimbo in one or more episodes of the second season, and he responded positively. Cool! So, while our legal beagles work out a good deal with Stan, I think we should start bending our brains to figure out a way to get the TMNT and Usagi together. I'm sure Stan will have some good ideas of his own.

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Checkin' in...
Date: Wednesday, April 30, 2003 12:52:44 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 4/28/03 8:40:15 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Please take the time to look over the additional story arc stuff I sent you earlier today and get me your comments asap (greatly appreciated, as
always!). >>

Lloyd,

notes re: second season 

     Episode 35/"Reflections": I think I've already said that I don't like "clip" shows (who does?), but if we must, we must. I would like to try to make it into something cool, if possible, something that would stand out from a typical "clip" show. Not sure what that would be, exactly. One idea: Make the framing sequences April writing in a new journal, telling her story of the incredible new life she has  had since meeting the Turtles. She could be doing it on a bus, or out in the park, or in a coffee shop, or maybe in a number of locations. The end of the show could be a funny bit where she packs up her stuff to go home, but unseen by her, her new journal slips out of her purse/bag and is subsequently picked up by someone who reads it and says (gag coming!) "This would make a great comic book!" I wonder if that gag would work if we had the two cops who are drawn as caricatures of me and Kevin be the ones who find the journal... we could show them in that same coffee shop, eating donuts or something. The younger cop could be the one who is enthusing, and we could reprise a gag from the first episode of the first season when the older cop pauses for a moment, then says "Rookie...!", then takes the journal and tosses it into the coffee shop's "lost and found" box as the two cops leave the shop.

     Episode 36/"The Ultimate Ninja": This isn't a bad idea, but needs some honing. A basic problem I have with this kind of story is that if this Ultimate Ninja (is that name taken already?) is so good he can easily defeat Casey, Raph, Mike and Don, why does he have any trouble with Leo? Are we saying that Leo is better than Casey, Mike, Raph and Don together? Doesn't seem right.

     I think it would be cool if we could tie this story in to the "The Big Brawl" cross-dimensional martial arts tournament. Perhaps this Ultimate Ninja is a recruiter sent out by the organizers of the tournament to evaluate possible contenders... or maybe he is truly evil, and he's going around trying to eliminate possible contenders. If done right, this could not only be a standalone story but serve as a nifty foreshadowing of "The Big Brawl".
     Some detail comments:

          -- I like the watching of the western movie thing, but Mike doing a "John Wayne" thing to Splinter and referring to him as "l'il missy" and "ma'am" seems a bit weird. I'd suggest changing those to "pardner" and "muchacho" or "hombre" or some such.

          -- The idea that the Ultimate NInja would attack them at an ice cream shop seems kind of strange. Why there?  How does he know the Turtles are even there, if they never come out of the BattleShell? And why does he take April prisoner (shades of the old series!)? Also, I thought Splinter has stayed behind in the lair, but he shows up in the battleshell to talk about the gunfighter in the movie, but then is seen no more in that scene.
     
     Episode 37/"Modern Love: The Return of Nano": 

          -- I think there is an opportunity for some humor if Mike gives Don some crap about needing scuba gear ("Man, you're a TURTLE!"), followed by Don telling Mikey that the water passage from the lair could be miles long ("How long can YOU hold your breath, Mikey? Remember, turtles don't have GILLS!").

          -- I don't object to the return of Nano per se, but I really don't want to see him becoming a recurring character or becoming too important to the Turtles, i.e. making a whole lot of Don's inventions for him. I also think we're missing a really interesting opportunity here by not playing with the interaction between Harry and Dr. Richards (did she have a first name? I can't remember), and also between those two and Nano. It's cool how Nano has brought together his "mother" and his "father" to try to have a family, and I think we can do more with this to make this a really strong emotional episode. If it works out, it might even make a neat two-parter.

     One thing that struck me as I was reading your plot idea is that both Harry and Dr. Richards are both "damaged" people who have made some bad choices in their lives and have come to the conclusion that they'll just have to live with them. They've both abandoned any hopes or dreams of having families -- Harry because he's a two-bit hustler living out of a suitcase, and Dr. Richards because she's so career-obsessed and driven. I think it would possibly be a cool thing to have Nano's misconceived idea (bringing these two people together to be his "family") actually, in the end, work... some spark or connection happens between Harry and Dr. Richards, something that makes them realize how much they have given up, and that this might be the opportunity for both of them to have a fresh start. 

     In fact... if we could have these two opposites come together in a "love connection", it might afford us a fun opportunity to have a little moment where our regular cast is observing this, and one of them comments on the fact that these two are such opposites and yet they have bonded... and there could be a look, a glance between Casey and April... something brief, and they hastily look away, but that glance spoke volumes. (It also connects to another point I was going to make -- I would really like to see the Casey/April relationship move forward this second season. Specifically, I think it would be cool/fun to do a "First Date" episode which would be a "comedy of errors" type thing wherein Casey and April attempt to go on a first date, but all kinds of things and misunderstandings get in the way, finally culminating in their first kiss. As well as this, we should attempt to fit in -- wherever possible and as long as it makes sense -- little Casey/April bits in the other episodes which show them slowly growing closer (much to their mutual amazement).
     
          -- "Back at the secret lab, Harry, Nano, and Dr. Richards are hiding out." Is this HER secret lab? I was under the impression that this was some large company she worked for, with other staff and such. If so, it might be kind of hard for all of them to hide out there.

          -- I don't have a problem with April wanting to reopen her father's antique shop, but calling it "The 3rd Time Around" doesn't sit right with me, for some reason.

          -- I'm REALLY not sure I want Nano coming to stay with the Turtles.

     Episode 38/"Return to the Underground":

          -- I'm REALLY not sure I want Nano coming to stay with the Turtles.

          -- The Tunneler is a cool idea, but I don't really like the way it's used. The idea that our heroes are going to get into what is essentially a rocket and fire themselves at breakneck speed down some kind of dodgy pre-drilled tunnel just seems weird and needlessly dangerous to me. Why do they need to go so fast?

     I think a different kind of Tunneler mechanism would be better. Here's a thought -- what if Don had somehow scavenged (or adapted from some technology in the Utrom hoverskiff) a kind of short-range transmat gizmo which he mounts on the front of the Tunneler, and what it does is transport a big clump of stuff from in front of the Tunneler, creating a void into which the Tunneler advances, then it beams that clump into the space the Tunneler just vacated. No muss, no fuss! No messy tunnels leading every which way! This method might also lead to a cool moment of jeopardy when the drive fails momentarily -- and our heroes are trapped in a pocket within the rock, with no entrance... and no exit!

          -- As I've said, I'm not crazy about the idea of Nano being used so much. I really feel like we should wrap up his story in the "Modern Love" episode. That being said, I could see Don having a sample of Nano (a non-sentient sample) which he could use to help out the Underground dwellers.

          -- I'm also not crazy about the underground genetics lab becoming the Shredder's new hideout. It brings him uncomfortably close to the Turtles' lair, and also I feel like we should try to add some new locations in this second season so we don't seem to be rehashing stuff. 

     Episode 39/"City at War" part 1: I like the fact that you want to adapt the "City at War" stories from the comics, but I think some basic things need to be readjusted.

          -- We originally broke up the Foot into the following factions, all of which were at odds with the others:

               -- Shredder's Elite Guard -- the smallest group, fanatically devoted to the Shredder, consummate martial artists

               -- Foot Soldiers -- the basic "grunts" of the Foot Clan, numerous, skilled, not very good planners

               -- Foot Scientists -- the tech division of the Foot, somewhat skilled in martial arts, but mostly talented in creating/developing high-tech weapons (they created the robots in the comic version of "City at War")... less numerous than Foot Soldiers, somewhat better at planning. For the TV show, the enhanced Foot Tech Ninja could be part of this crew.

               -- Foot Accountants -- don't laugh! These guys ran the daily financial operations of the Foot Clan in NYC, and are skilled at manipulating same and also any kind of organizational paperwork stuff. (They shut off the power to the Foot Scientists' lab facilities in the comics by manipulating billing records at the electric company!) They number about as many as the Foot Scientists, and are about as skilled in martial arts.

               -- Foot Mystics -- we actually didn't have these guys in the comics (though they WILL be showing up in some of the new Mirage TMNT comics; Steve Murphy has a cool story for the new Tales of the TMNT comic featuring a battle between Splinter and a Foot Mystic), but as they are a part of the show it would be cool to include them. They are perhaps less numerous than the Shredder Elite, but very skilled in the dark arts.

     The reason I have gone through all this is that I think it's important for the "City at War" storyline to keep one of the major threads, which is the idea that the Foot, now being leaderless, has fractured into these squabbling factions, and really needs a strong leader (in this case Karai) to come in and bring them all back together again. The Shredder Elite would never work with the basic Foot Soldiers in an alliance against the other Foot factions -- they are too fanatical.

     Also, while it's kind of a neat twist to make Karai a pawn of the Utrom known as the Shredder, I thinks it's also a mistake. I think Karai should be much like she is in the comics, a powerful character who brings unity (and the potential for conflict with the Turtles down the road) to the Foot. This is key because that also means that she can/should come into conflict later on with the Shredder, if we bring him back as I suspect we might. I think she could become a strong adversary for the Turtles in her own right.

     We need to be very careful to not forget another key ingredient of the "City at War" saga -- and that was how it pointed out quite clearly (and I remember we very deliberately did this) that as strong and powerful and capable as the Turtles are, they are completely out of their depth when they get involved in this huge war among the Foot factions. I feel there is a but too much "superhero-ing" in these "City at War" episodes, with the Turtles jumping in and fighting with the different groups in this conflict for no reason (apparently) other than to have fights. (For example, there's a scene where Leo has followed some Foot Soldiers to the "rundown place" where they are squatting in "filth and squalor", and for no reason that I can see he's about to "leap down and engage them" when he is held back by the other Turtles.) I really want to keep this to a minimum, and have them only get involved when they have to.

     It also affords us the opportunity to show some conflict AMONG the Turtles, to show that they don't all always think with a "group mind". Raphael -- and Mike, who has shown himself to have a desire to "do good" -- might feel more inclined to jump in and mix it up with the battling factions, and Leo could find himself leaning in that direction (i.e. not wanting to be passive) but also realizing that as leader that would be a bad decision. Don  might take a more passive attitude ("Not our problem!") and argue that not only are they "the Turtles) not capable of battling all these factions, but maybe they'd all be better off if these factions essentially killed each other off.

     Episode 40/"City at War" part 2: 

          -- While the exchange between Mikey and April about him leading the Foot back to her new shop is a funny bit of business, it also makes Mikey look like a complete insensitive jerk due to the way it's handled, i.e. he KNOWS that he has put her in danger... but does it anyway. If, on the other hand, we could play it as if he didn't even THINK of that possibility, and when April angrily points it out to him he's really freaked out, that might work.

          -- Going along with my earlier comments about the structure of the conflict among the Foot factions, I think a key thing to make this story work is to get across the idea that when Karai arrives from Japan, she is able to take control of the basic Foot Soldiers, as she represents an authority that they understand and respect, and she is then able to use them in her efforts to bring the Foot factions back together under her control.

     I mention this in part because of some questions raised in my mind when I read the water tower scene where Karai and her two aides somehow conceal themselves in the water tower while the Turtles are there sitting around talking, with no idea that anyone else is in there with them. This seems somewhat silly. I'd like to bring this more in line with the way it was in the comics, if possible. And we have another situation here where a character is introduced (Karai) who is apparently better and more skilled than all of the Turtles combined.

     Episode 41/"City at War" part 3:

          -- My two major problems with this episode are (a) the continued (over)use of the underground Foot Genetics lab, and (b) making Karai the Shredder's secret accomplice.

     Episode 42/"What a Croc!":

          -- I like the use of Leatherhead in this episode, and I think the way you have brought Baxter Stockman into it is cool, though I think we have to be a little careful that he doesn't turn up EVERYWHERE.
     
          -- I don't see why the Turtles' switching weapons would confuse the TurtleBot -- wasn't it just able to counter those same weapons? I think we need a more clever solution to this problem -- maybe Leo tells them all to "fight badly", i.e. alter their usual precision of attacks and counterattacks to mess with the robot's programming. This could be foreshadowed by a "Splinter lesson" where he teaches them (or tries to) about the value of flexibility in battle, of changing your attack to adapt to your foe's unique qualities.

     Episode 43/"The Garbageman Returns": I think this one needs to be thought out a lot more... if we bring back a character like Garbageman, who -- let's face it -- was not our most cool or interesting character, we should have a very good reason. I need to hear more about what you have in mind here -- the image of the junk car slowly making its way across the seabed is an intriguing visual, but right now makes not a whole lot of sense.

     Episode 44/"April's Artifact": Of course I love the idea of mixing in dinosaurs and time travel! It would also be cool to introduce Renet from the TMNT comics, and, in fact, we have in the works right now a "reimagining" of TMNT Vol.1 #8 which is going to tell the story of how the Turtles first met Renet and the sorcerer Savanti Romero, but in a different way (and without Cerebus). It might actually be a story which could be adapted to an episode without much trouble.

     Episode 45/"Monster Mash": A good monster story is always fun, and it might be cool to get a little spooky. And if we can work some Lovecraftian stuff in there -- all the better!

     Episode 46 and 47/"Rogue Triceraton": Cool.

     Episode 48/"Northampton Retired Superheroes": Cool.

     Episode 49-51/"The Big Brawl": This could be great fun and help to expand the Turtle universe (something I think we really need to do in this and following seasons), and especially would be great if we can work Usagi Yojimbo into it. There could be tons of cool kick butt ninja action. As mentioned earlier, it might be neat if we could connect the "Ultimate Ninja" episode with these.

     Episode 52/"Big Season-Ender Cliffhanger": I'm not sure if by "exposed to the media once and for all" and "return of the Utroms" you meant that you are considering working in the continuity from Vol. 4 (the current TMNT comics series), where the alien Utroms have arrived on Earth in full view and the world is changed completely. It would be a bold step, and might work well for a number of different reasons. I'm not so sanguine about the "one Turtle seemingly killed" thing, though I will keep an open mind.

------------------

     I think we really need to put our thinking caps on and try to think up some new villains, heroes, and situations to get the Turtles into for this and future seasons. I'm not averse to bringing back characters from past episodes, but I'm only really interested in doing that when we can tell some new and compelling stories. What about friends and family of Casey and April? What about a Splinter solo story? What about an adventure in a "microworld" (the old "universe in a grain of sand" idea)? 

     Look forward to working on any and/or all of these with you, Lloyd!

     -- Pete

Blast from the Past #611: April 22, 2003: Re: Que pasa? and April 23, 2003: Final drafts of Episodes 30 and 31, and comments on 2nd draft of episode 32

Subj:  Re: Que pasa?

Date:  Tuesday, April 22, 2003 11:05:50 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 4/22/03 6:59:48 PM, Lloyd writes:

Hi Pete -

Just a quick note to bug ya for notes - I believe we've sent out profiles

for 29 and 30, final draft script of 30, scripts for 31 and 32, and outline

for 34.

Send me some notes!  ;D

Thanks!

Lloyd

PS - I left you a message about needing the cover of TMNT 1 for a video we

have to do for the UK TMNT Summit, but Gary has taken care of it, so

disregard!

Lloyd,

I can't seem to find a copy of a final draft of episode 30 -- all I have is the first draft.

The profiles for 29 and 30 are fine by me.

I'm a little confused about the script for 32 -- it says "second draft", but I don't recall seeing a first draft. I have yet to read that one, but will tonight or tomorrow.

Here are some comments on the outline for Episode 34 ("Secret Origins" part III):

1.) In the recap of previous episodes in the preview, there is a scene described in which the Turtles fight the Shredder (in the virtual reality environment) with the Sword of Tengu. I don't think that happens, at least not in the material I've gotten so far.

2.) In one fight scene in the TCRI building, Mortu attacks the Shredder with a "full on series of kicks (while in one long leap)". I assume this means in that same hideous "wire fu" effect that we saw in a previous episode when Leo kicks Hun off the roof... that effect I can't stand. Must we do this? Why not think of some cool REALISTIC way Mortu can  deliver multiple kicks (if multiple kicks are really necessary) to Shredder's abdomen, done without repealing the laws of gravity and momentum?

3.) I think we should make sure that all that ooze that the Turtles get mixed up with is NOT the color of the ooze that mutated them.

4.) When April gets the call from Leo, her "I can't believe it, this is so awesome!" line is weird -- it sounds more like something she would say when given a cool gift, not something she would say when she unexpectedly hears from someone close to her that she feared was lost forever.

5.) The inclusion of Leatherhead is very cool, though at least for our benefit -- even if it doesn't have anything to do with what happens in this episode -- we should know what he's doing and why he's there.

6.) Saki's line "As long as the Shredder lives, you will not leave this place alive!" seems off -- I would change it to something like "As long as I live, you will not leave this place alive!"

7.) The Turtles are in shock when it is revealed that Shredder is an Utrom, and then "Utrom Shredder reveals he is the criminal genius who crashed the Utrom ship to Earth nearly a millennium ago." IF this happens, it needs to be done in a way which seems natural -- why WOULD the Shredder say this at this particular point? Does it make any sense for him to do so? Maybe we don't need to have him say anything -- is it obvious enough from all of our setup? Or maybe we should have one of the Turtles (Don?) make the connection and start to say it ("You -- you must be the one --!") and then the Shredder finishes it for him.

8.) I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of the "leaping superfast blob" Utrom Shredder... while the Utroms can move around well with their little tentacles, the idea that the Shredder can do what's described here ("It uses its surroundings against the turtles.  It’s hard to catch.  It attacks from under equipment … falls from above unexpectedly … seems to come out of nowhere …") seems a bit much. I suggest perhaps that the Shredder has -- built into his Shredder armor -- an ambulatory back-up/escape platform, perhaps a cross between one of the Utrom flying pods and Stockman's spider-bot body, and he uses this in his final, desperate battle with the Turtles.

9.) April's line "That’s a laugh.  I’d never be caught dead as a reporter.  Too ludicrous." is something that ordinarily I would say is okay, but in the script for the second issue of the new Dreamwave TMNT comic (which, as you know, is based on the show) the writer, Peter David, does a flashback to April as a little girl, and he has her "playing reporter" and saying that when she grows up she wants to be one (which, obviously, she does not do). I'm wondering if we should establish some synchronicity with the Dreamwave comic and, instead of April saying the line as written, she instead says something like "Nah... when I was a kid I thought it would be cool, but I could never get past all the makeup you have to wear to be on TV!"

-- Pete

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Subj:  Final drafts of Episodes 30 and 31, and comments on 2nd draft of episode 32

Date:  Wednesday, April 23, 2003 11:33:12 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Re: Final drafts of Episodes 30 and 31, and comments on second draft of episode 32

I read the finals of 30 and 31, and they are very cool -- no problems!

I only have a few comments on 32:

1.) I think we need to work some more on the design for the Utrom version of Saki. While the scar over the eye is possibly a good look, I think we should consider some other, more creepy/radical looks (a third eye, extra-long teeth, deformed tentacles, etc.), things that would REALLY separate Saki from the other Utroms. I'll try to do some sketches.

2.) When the Turtles are observing the Utrom ship nearing Earth in the VR history replay, should we indicate in any way WHY the Utroms happen to be so close to Earth? Is it important?

That's it!

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #610: April 11, 2003: comments on Episode 33 outline

Subj: comments on Episode 33 outline
Date: Friday, April 11, 2003 3:32:02 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are a few comments on the outline of Episode 33:

1.) We may have already covered this, but I'll say it anyway -- when the Turtles encounter the Shredder in the "virtual past", I think it would be good to tweak that Shredder's armor/costume to be subtly (maybe a LITTLE bit more than subtly) different than the modern Shredder's outfit -- maybe a little bit more leaning toward the ornate Samurai look, but still recognizably the Shredder, with those key elements -- three-pronged/bladed helmet, hooked blades on shoulders, forearms, and shins, and hand blades. Not only would it fit more in with the historical context, but it could make a very cool toy! I also think we should consider doing something similar with the costumes of the Foot ninja in the "virtual past".

2.) There's a scene on page 3 as follows:

A Foot Ninja turns to his master.  Should they follow?

Feudal Japan Shredder:  "No.  The bamboo forest will give them too much of an advantage.  Let them go for now.  They are not the ones I seek.  Though … send some men to watch the road.  You others, come with me."

This scene seems wrong to me somehow -- I think it's because this "virtual world" thing is happening in the minds of the Turtles, so everything that WE see should be (I think) ONLY things that THEY see. The same idea would apply to the following scene on pages 5 and 6:

A road runs through the bamboo forest.  A family consisting of an old man, a young boy and a beautiful woman stand by the handcart they were pulling (a two-wheeled Japanese affair with a long extended handle in front).

Desperately, the old man and the boy stand back to back being held at sword point by five Feudal Foot Ninja.  The woman, however, is putting up a fight.  Three other Foot Ninja attack her with their swords flashing as she fends them off (quite well) with a walking staff (bo staff of sorts).

The three turtles move forward through the bamboo preparing to leap into the fray and help the family but stop as suddenly …

This scene could be altered to fit the "Turtles' point-of-view only" rule pretty easily, simply by starting that scene by showing the Turtles moving through the bamboo forest and THEN having them stop and see the attack on the handcart and its human occupants. Actually, the first questionable scene with the Shredder doesn't seem to be needed at all and could just be dropped.
A question -- is there any particular reason -- other than eye candy -- that the woman in this scene is described several times as "beautiful"?

3.) Also on page 3 (and 4), there is this:

Meanwhile back in the reality of the TCRI Building and the virtual reality pod room, Mr. Mortu and several Utroms, assisted by Professor Honeycutt, desperately try to figure out what’s gone wrong with the system.  But it is to no avail; it appears that all control overrides have been "locked out!"  They’ll have to try rerouting all controls.  It’ll take hours … and there’s a good chance it won’t work.

I have no problem with this, but I think it could be enhanced in terms of the sense of peril and difficulty if we take a page from other science fiction treatments of virtual reality stuff and also say that not only are they having problems dealing with the hardware, the fact that the Turtles' minds are now linked to this machine in intimate ways means that the Turtles are thus very vulnerable to any disruptions/energy spikes in the flow of data/sensations into their brains, and they could be harmed -- maybe even KILLED -- if the Utroms and Prof. Honeycutt screw it up. Sort of -- but not exactly -- akin to the old "If you're having a dream and you die in the dream, you can die in real life" bit.

4.) On page 4 is the following:

Inside the TCRI building, Mortu gets the report: they’re under attack.  Yes, he figured that out by the ground shaking explosions and arms fire; they will simply have to trust in their defenses.  Right now, he cannot allow these turtles to perish no matter what happens.

And on page 9 is this:

Mortu pulls aside his assistant:  "Make ready the transmat and prepare the council for evacuation.  We may be forced to leave."
Fugitoid:  "Oh dear.  At least not until we free my friends here."
Mortu:  "Of course, Professor Honeycutt.  We will not abandon them.  I promise."  

I think we need to remember that not leaving is NOT an option for the Utroms now -- they have been revealed (or at least their alien presence has been revealed, because of the weird transmat beam shooting out  of the top of the building -- even if nobody outside the building has acutally SEEN an Utrom in his or her true form), their facility is surrounded, and they HAVE to leave. We would benefit in terms of tension and drama to play this up, and Mortu's dilemma -- is the survival of the four Turtles of greater importance than the survival of all of the Utroms in the TCRI building?
Also, I can't remember right now how we had planned for this arc to end -- are the Utroms going to beam back to their home planet, leaving Earth forever (or at least until we want to bring the back)... or am I confusing the original comic story with the story we talked about for these episodes? If so, there is even greater jeopardy for the Utroms, who have FINALLY built their transmat, and it has come down to this -- that this is the ONLY time they can use it. Once those troops break in, it's all over for them... they won't be able to get home -- EVER.

5.) On page 9, in the scene where Mikey greets the other Turtles with the big meal, I thought it would be fun to have a little back-and-forth (maybe between Mikey and Don) about the fact that they're sitting down to this huge spread of food, and not a molecule of it is real! 

6.) On page 12, there is this:

As they begin to vanish, Leonardo calls out the Mortu, "What was it you were trying to tell us about the Shredder before..?"
Mortu begins to answer, "The Shredder is an…" 

I wonder if it would work better if Mortu just says "The Shredder is…" Or maybe "The Shredder is one of…"  Minor point, I know.

7.) Also on page 12, there is the following:

We flash and VR dissolve back to the TCRI building; it’s all over; the virtual pods open and the Turtles and Splinter emerge!  Safe and sound!  The Fugitoid, the Utroms and Guardians present are relieved!

But, when asked how the Virtual Pods malfunctioned like that, Mortu has no explanation as to how it could have happened.

"Oh, but I do!" says a sinister voice from behind them.  

They all turn to see the real Shredder, still alive, surrounded by Foot Ninja, Elite Ninja, Tech Ninja, the Hun, and the robotic Baxter Stockman thing!

I know how Stockman got into the TCRI building, but what about everybody else? Did they just waltz in through the National Guard, police, firefighters and crowds of onlookers? Or is there some secret entrance we haven't seen yet, that perhaps Stockman discovered via his computer system infiltration and thus informed the Shredder of?

8.) On page 12 and continuing on page 13, there is this:

Closer on – Shredder readies his gleaming blades.  "The time has come to finally have the sweetest revenge upon my most hated enemies …"

The turtles get ready but …

Shredder (cont’d):  "The Utrom!"

I suppose you could refer to the race or group of Utroms as "the Utrom", although I have always when referring to them in the plural said "Utroms". I think perhaps we should follow my general rule here, because I think people might be confused that the Shredder is referring to one specific Utrom, as opposed to the group.

That's all I've got for now -- should be an exciting episode!

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #609: April 5, 2003: Re: Season 2 voices, and April 7, 2000: notes on Ep. 30 and 31 first draft scripts

Subj: Re: Season 2 voices
Date: Saturday, April 5, 2003 7:43:43 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 4/4/03 9:36:58 AM, Lloyd writes:

<<Hey Pete -

When you get a minute or three, would you mind jotting down your thoughts on
how the following character's VOICES might sound:

The Fugitiod - I'm thinking C3P0-ish, kinda cultured, intelligent, and
slightly fussy>>

This is an interesting question which I've never thought about before, but -- according to the backstory, Honeycutt's mind was transferred into the body of a robot worker, Sal. So you have to ask yourself -- what would the voice of a worker robot sound like? And then, how would that voice change -- if at all -- if the MIND behind it was suddenly switched from a basic worker robot computer brain to an older, brilliant, human scientist? I would suspect it would only really need to sound clear and probably unaccented (for greatest comprehension). However, I have no problem with your description.

<<Triceratons - Gruff, deep, warriors (lean towards Klingon) - the
leaders/politicians of the bunch might try to sound a bit more "civilized">>

Fine.

<<General Blanque - Commanding, no-nonsense>>

I'm thinking George C. Scott in "Patton".

<<Trusted Aide - she needs to be able to play "conniving" and she should sound
markedly different than April>>

Maybe a sort-of French or Italian accent.

<<Rynoxx - thug, bully, an alien mook!>>

Vin Diesel!

<<Sleeg - sleazy, Peter Lorre type alien, always angling>>

Gotta love Peter Lorre! Although a David Spade-type might be funny, too.

<<Traximus - deep voiced, weary hero, beaten gladiator, bordering on
Shakespearean>>

James Earl Jones.

<<Leatherhead - gravely, rough, highly intelligent>>

Fine. Paul Newman?

<<Karai - sleek, no-nonsense, commanding, Japanese accent>>

Fine.

-- Pete

------------------------------------


Subj: notes on Ep. 30 and 31 first draft scripts
Date: Monday, April 7, 2003 7:35:40 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Re: notes on Ep. 30 and 31 first draft scripts -- I just has the pleasure of reading these two scripts and have a few comments, but I think these are a lot of fun and need only minor tweaking. (Please note that I am going to be referencing line numbers instead of page numbers because I reduced type size to save paper and time during printing, and thus changed the page numbering.)

---------------------------

Episode 30: "The Arena"

1.) I think it would be fun to include some "throwaway" lines from the arena announcers which would kind of reflect/parody the typical stuff you hear over the loudspeakers at a race or other large sporting event. Here are a couple of possible examples:

-- "Don't forget to pick up your event program at any of the arena's sales kiosks -- at only fifteen plecks, it's a steal!"

-- "This event is cosponsored by Rad Zam's YumStuf™ -- makers of the best "meatfood on a stick" treat in this galaxy... or any other!"

2.) It would be cool to see some Triceraton youngsters (smaller, shorter horns) in attendance at the Arena, as well as "ordinary" Triceratons in "civilian" clothes.

3.) Line 93: Gruel is said to be using his "walking stick to pick his nasty teeth". I thought he was going to use his prosthetic horn (per my suggestion) to do this.

4.) Line 151: Raphael's line "I don't mean no disrespect, Traximus, but what's a Triceraton like you doing fighting in the games?" reads well but doesn't make much sense in context, as shortly thereafter we show an "official" Triceraton team (Monza Ram and his All-Stars) fighting in the games. I think it might make more sense if Raph says something like "So what's a Triceraton doing locked up in here with the rest of us "gladiator scum"?"

5.) Line 153: I would suggest taking the phrase "were a nation that" out of Traximus' first line here -- it seems extraneous.

6.) Line 155: Traximus' line "The Prime Leader hopes the games will silence me" doesn't sound right. Is Traximus a gladiator against his will -- essentially a prisoner forced to fight to the death, as the result of his speaking out against the Triceratons' dishonorable war with the Federation? If that's the case -- and it appears to be so -- then it would seem that the Prime Leader wouldn't really care, or need to "hope", about Traximus speaking or not speaking -- Traximus is a disgraced individual now, the lowest of the low. I would suggest changing that line to imply that the Prime Leader is enjoying humiliating Traximus by forcing him to be a gladiator, but Traximus himself has not -- nor will he, ever -- given up hope or given up speaking out against the evil of the current Triceraton regime.

7.) Line 156: The Soldier's line here about locating the Triceraton Homeworlds made me think it might be cool to throw in a comment or two about how difficult it is to keep track of them because -- unlike the worlds of the Federation -- the Triceraton homeworlds, given their mobile nature, are constantly roaming about the galaxy.

8.) Line 158: This line of General Blanque's strikes me as (a) bad, and (b) unnecessary. I would suggest taking it out.

9.) Line 159: I thought it might be fun to add to Zed's gushing lines about the Prime Leader something like "May his horns never dull!"
Also, it seems that Zanramon's name is misspelled throughout this script as "Zanroman".
And line line 163, "All right" is misspelled as "Alright".

10.) Line 186: I would suggest taking out the "You disgusting dinosaur!" from this line by the Fugitoid.

11.) Line 188: I think the word "Star" is missing here -- it should read "... Monza Ram and his All-Star warriors!"

12.) Line 197: Suggest changing Zed's line as follows:

ZED (V.O. WITH GRUDGING RESPECT)
These Turtles fight like... like Triceratons!

13.) Line 199: I suggest changing "little guys" in Raz' line so it reads "The crowd is really taking to these hard-shelled off-worlders!"

14.) Line 209: Even though it's Leo who does it in the original comic story, I wonder if it would make more sense if the Turtle who jumps into the alien camera platform and quickly figures out how to drive it would be Don (techno-boy) instead of Leo.

-------------------------------------

Episode 31: "Triceraton Wars"

1.) Line 4: In Don's line -- "We're all on the run, lots of stuff blows up, the Triceratons capture us and throw us in this gladiator arena to try and convince Honeycutt to build his Teleportal device, but those dipstick hornheads should have known we would have kicked butt and taken names." -- I would change "and" to "to" in the phrase "try and convince Honeycutt". And the last part -- "those dipstick hornheads should have known we would have kicked butt and taken names" -- is awkward and actually sounds more like Raph talking. I would suggest changing it to something like "we fought with honor -- and won!"

2.) Prime Leader ZanRamon's name is misspelled in this script also.

3.) Line 18: I suggest taking out "Mr." in Leo's line.

4.) Line 29: I like that Leo is taking charge and issuing orders, but some of what he says doesn't make sense to me. They all came in through a hatch in the ceiling, but Leo says nothing about that -- instead, he tells Mikey to help him barricade the door (with a table). I think it might make more sense and look cooler if he tells the other guys to use their blasters to weld the doors AND that ceiling hatch shut.

5.) Line 31: I suggest changing Don's line from "But if you don't build the Teleportal we'll never get home to our Master Splinter" to read "But if you don't build the Teleportal we'll never get home to rescue Master Splinter."

6.) Line 38: Given the seriousness of the dialogue here, I would suggest changing the somewhat inappropriate slapsticky stuff with the Fugitoid grabbing Raph's blaster, Raph grabbing it back, Fugitoid grabbing it back, etc. -- maybe the Fugitoid should instead take Mike's blaster, or else another one which is lying around.

7.) Line 74: I just want to remind everyone that, although I think it's fun and cool to see them used again, the Triceraton one-man flying rigs are NOT meant for extended, long-range space pursuit.

8.) Line 88: After Leo's line about Master Splinter, I thought it would be fun to have the Fugitoid -- who a moment earlier looked like he "may blow a fuse" -- to say something like "Hmph! I really MUST meet this Master Splinter someday...!"

9.) Line 97: I would suggest changing Raph's "Give it a rest, Mikey." line to something like this:

RAPHAEL (MAKING A FIST AND SHAKING IT AT MIKE)
Have you seen THIS one before?!"

10.)  Instead of having the Federation ships "decloaking", I would instead have them appear as they "come out of warp speed". 

11.) Line 108: When the Turtles get away from the two battle fleets, I think they should go "into warp" and get really far away, giving them some time in which to try to build the Fugitoid's Teleportal. Then, the Triceraton Ensign's line #121 could be altered to read something like "We have traced the warp vector pattern of the Fugitoid's stolen ship to the Egarim sector."

12.) I think it's great that you were able to work the Turtles in space suits into this story in a logical way. I was thinking we could have a little bit of fun with this, in this way -- the Prime Leader's opulent and well-equipped Cruiser comes stocked with a variety of space suit configurations made to fit not only Triceraton anatomy but other alien forms, which is how the Turtles (or at least some of them) are able to find space suits which fit them pretty well. But maybe when they ALL have to go outside the ship, Mikey is stuck wearing a Triceraton space suit, which is too big for him, the tail piece is awkward and annoying, and he has the big Triceraton space helmet which looks really funny on him.

13.) Line 133: The "Who hails the Triceraton Flagship?!" line (#134) works fine, as it seems to fit the more formal and stilted way the Triceratons speak, but doesn't work for me when General Blanque says almost the same thing. In fact, I wonder if we actually need EITHER of these lines -- they do seem kind of extraneous.

14.) The Fugitoid is said to have "tool attachments on each of his extended fingers". Are these literally attached to his fingers, or, as I suggested in a previous email:

"I suggest that we give him the ability (logical given that the Fugitoid's robot body is that of a worker droid) to detach his forearm/hand units and snap on/screw on other "tool" or "weapon" arm units. And this page might be a good place to show this for the first time, when Don and Honeycutt are trying to build Honeycutt's Teleportal. I did some drawings of the Fugitoid with these kinds of replacement units years ago -- I'll see if I can dig those out and send them along."

15.) Line 164: It's interesting that the writer extrapolated on the Federation/Triceraton history by suggesting that the Federation caused the Triceratons to move to their asteroid ships, but I don't like it. I suggest either eliminating lines 164 and 165 altogether or changing them in some fashion similar to this:

164. MOZAR
That was a NATURAL disaster -- which we survived with courage and cunning!

BLANQUE
Obviously not disastrous enough!

16.) Line 176: I suggest changing Mike's line to read "Hey, at least we got 'em to agree on something!"

------------------

That's it from me for now! One other thing -- has the Triceraton "Battle Asteroid" ship been designed yet?

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #608: April 1, 2003: Re: Shredder Clones Color and Re: TMNT - Final draft 028 ("Turtles in Space, Part 2: The Trouble with Triceratons"), and April 3, 2003: Re: TMNT - Final draft 028 and Re: TMNT ep 032 Outline

Subj: Re: Shredder Clones Color
Date: Tuesday, April 1, 2003 8:31:43 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 4/1/03 8:18:50 PM, Lloyd writes:

 Hey Pete -

Vinnie sent a comment that he didn't like the flesh-colored arms on the
attached Shredder Clone color model.  I wanted your thoughts on this.

Also, I believe we sent you a few new models for season 2.  Lemme know
your take on those as well!

Thanks,

Lloyd

Lloyd,

I did see the color Shredder Clone art, and I liked it -- I actually thought "the creepier the better!"

As for the three pieces of art I got faxed -- alien sewer tunnel, crab-like creature, and sewer sweeping machine -- the only thing question I have is about the size of the sewer sweeping machine and how large it is in relation to the sewer tunnel... if the method of locomotion for this thing is a kind of inchworm effect -- which seems to be the case from the artwork, it would seem to have to be significantly smaller in diameter than the sewer tunnel (otherwise it could not raise its back very high to "inch" along). If so, that would seem to run counter to the idea that it takes up so much space in the tunnel that the Turtles and the Fugitoid are trapped by it and can't get by it.
I would suggest perhaps a different mode of locomotion -- perhaps rows of little caterpillar-type feet.

-- Peter

-------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT - Final draft 028 3-31-03
Date: Tuesday, April 1, 2003 8:50:35 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Not sure if this went through, so I'm sending it again...

Lloyd,

The final of episode 27 looks fine to me.

I'm still disappointed in the denouement of the Turtles in aircar vs. Triceratons in Flying Rigs scene. I have read it over and over and it dawned on me a moment ago that there seems to be -- for some reason I don't quite understand -- the idea that we need to have the Turtles defeat ALL three Triceratons in this skirmish. I don't see why that's necessary -- why can't they take out two and then the third one disables their aircar, and when it looks like the Turtles are definitely going to crash, that remaining Triceraton could just fly away to join his comrades?

I've extracted the part of the script in question, and here's how I would suggest changing it:

---------------------------------

ANGLE ON - THE REMAINING TRICERATON comes swooping down in a long ARC …

CLOSE - on the Air Car’s remaining engine, shaking and rattling in  engine mounts loosened from previous Triceraton blasts, belching smoke and FIRE …

CLOSE - on the remaining Triceraton, looking down and cracking an evil grin, <CHUCKLING>.

130. ** TRICERATON
I've had just about enough of these green punks -- now I'm going to take them out in style!

ANGLE ON - the Triceraton as he continues his sweeping arc on a vector which will take him up UNDER the Turtles' aircar.

ANGLE - on sky as Mikey suddenly zooms out of the clouds on his sidecar -- out of control -- and desperately jumps out of the sidecar back onto the Air Car. 

CLOSE - on Mikey <LANDING HARD> in the back seat.

131. MICHELANGELO 
I’m saved!  I’m saved!

ANGLE ON - the Triceraton, muscular arm raised, as he zooms up under the aircar and GRABS the aircar's engine, and RIPS a large hunk of it loose, bits and pieces of metal popping off, fuel spraying from torn fuel lines.

** ANGLE - on shuddering Air Car – Donatello struggles with the controls.

132. ** DONATELLO
Complete engine failure!  We’re going down!

HIGH ANGLE – of Michelangelo looking up toward us, and falling away toward the forest below, shouting:  

133. MICHELANGELO
I’m doomed!  I’m doomed!

ANGLE ON - the Triceraton as he flings the smoking, now-useless engine part away, circles back, and, laughing evilly, watches the Turtles falling to their doom before he ZOOMS off to join the main force of his Triceraton comrades.

ANGLE – on the Turtles, the air <SCREAMING> around them. 

134. * LEONARDO, RAPHAEL, MIKEY 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

ANGLE - on the ground rushing up to meet them, as they fall out of the sky toward certain pancake-flat extinction! 

----------------------

How about it? Otherwise, this one looks fine too.

-- Pete

-----------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT - Final draft 028 3-31-03
Date: Thursday, April 3, 2003 8:55:59 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 4/2/03 11:53:45 PM, Lloyd writes:

<< Hi Pete -

I wanna talk with you about your last note re: episode 28 and whether or
not the Turtles should defeat all 3 Triceratons or not.  While at first
I didn't think it mattered all that much one way or the other, after
goin' in and checking it out, I think it's actually much better that the
Turtles do in fact defeat the Tri's.  It's really the only thing they
get to accomplish in the whole episode, a kind of "mini-victory" for
them.  The rest of the time they're on the run, getting chased or trying
to catch the Fugitiod, that kinda thing.

But I think the more important (actually, more FUN) reason to let them
have their moment of victory is that it makes a comedic contrast to what
happens to them in the next moment (namely their AirCar gives out and
they're about to die), from one extreme to the other.  I think that
works better for us.

Anyway, let's talk around 12:30.  I'll be working from home tomorrow.

Have a nice night!

Lloyd  >>

Lloyd,

Not to be disagreeable, but -- I disagree!

I think the Turtles get to do a LOT of cool stuff in this episode -- they acquit themselves quite nicely in the bar against various alien scum and Federat soldiers, they successfully steal an unfamiliar alien aircar and take out two tough, experienced Triceraton commandos IN MID-AIR, and they battle their way into the Triceraton bunker/ship.

And if we have them take out TWO Triceratons instead of THREE, that's still TWO moments of victory to make what you refer to as the "comedic contrast" to their following distress. I just don't see why they have to take out ALL of the Triceratons. I mean, the Turtles don't HAVE to win ALL the time.

Not to mention the fact that as it stands now, we're supposed to believe that Mikey can slam himself and his sidecar into the Triceraton HARD enough to KNOCK that big Triceraton and his combat flying rig out of the sky -- and yet Mike is apparently unscathed and unshaken (and so apparently is the sidecar, this rusty beat up sidecar from a rusty beat up stolen aircar!), and -- la di da, piloting his sidecar as if nothing has happened -- "swoops around, passing his buddies again and jumping out of the sidecar back onto the Air Car." 

I think the scenario from the comics (as reworked in my last email) is tighter, more dramatic AND funnier, unexpected and less cliched, and my suggestion is to stick with it.

By the way, I will be out of town all day tomorrow (Friday) but if you want to call me I should be available via my cell phone, except for a few hours in the afternoon.

-- Pete

----------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT ep 032 Outline
Date: Thursday, April 3, 2003 11:10:58 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I think this outline for Episode 32 is good, and the only comment I have -- which I'm sure will be addressed at script time, but I'll mention it anyway -- is that at one point (while watching the Utrom's history on Earth unfold in the virtual reality thing) one of the Turtles is said to be looking over an Utrom's shoulder, while on their spaceship before it crashes to Earth. As this is BEFORE the Utroms create their humanoid exo-suits, I assume that the "shoulder" reference just means the Turtle is standing behind the Utrom.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #607: March 23, 2003: Comments!, March 30, 2003: CG models and comments on Ep. 27 ("Turtles in Space, Part 1: The Fugitoid") final draft

Subj: Comments!
Date: Sunday, March 23, 2003 8:16:50 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I read three things today -- the first/rough draft of show #28 ("The Trouble With Triceratons"), and the outlines for episodes 30 and 31. Here are my comments...

----------------------------------

"The Trouble With Triceratons"

1.) Pg. 1: Suggest changing Mike's line to "Felt like my shell got put back on backwards!"

2.) Pg. 2: Suggest adding the word "prototype" so Mike's line reads "General Blanque wants his prototype invention; the "Teleportal"." I make this suggestion because I think it's important to make clear here (and elsewhere when appropriate) that Honeycutt's Teleportal is at this point still just a concept.

3.) Pg. 5: Suggest changing Fugitoid's line to read "I believe I know of an establishment where we could hire a pilot to smuggle us off-planet!"

4.) Pg. 7: Suggest adding a line so that General Blanque's tirade reads "Destroy them utterly and completely! Turn their shells into serving trays! But BRING ME THAT FUGITOID!"

5.) Pg. 8: Suggest that instead of Commander Mozar saying "The victory of my people hangs in the balance!", he should say "Victory for my people hangs in the balance!"
Further down on this page, suggest adding to the Fugitoid's line "Um... well, I'm very partial to a D'Hoonnibian Spicy Cheese Disk they serve here." (A beat, as Honeycutt realizes that he doesn't EAT anymore.) "At least... I used to be."

6.) Pg. 13: To further illustrate the sleazy nature of this bar, I suggest that when Raph knocks the Alien Trucker out and the guy hits the floor, what happens next is various small scruffy aliens scurry over and start picking the guy's pockets.

7.) Pg. 14: Because in the kind of spaceport city that Peblak is, there would probably be any number of green-skinned aliens, I suggest changing the Alien Counterman's line to "I'm calling about dat reward, the one for the... "shell-bearing green-skinned life forms."

8.) Pg. Suggest changing Raph and Leo's exchange as follows:

RAPHAEL
We gotta save him. The little 'Toid's our pal now...

LEONARDO
Not to mention our only way home!

Also on this page, there's an "if" that should be an "it" in Raph's line "Great. Somebody left it by the side of the road to die."

9.) Pg. 28: Instead of ripping "it to shreds!", the Triceraton should just TEAR the Turtles' aircar's engine from its mountings and toss it away.

---------------------

Episode 30 outline "The Arena"

1.) Pg. 2: I think we should have part of the audience in the arena be made up of non-Triceraton aliens, and Raz's line can reflect this by changing it to read "Good morning fellow Saurians and guest species..."

2.) Pg. 8 and elsewhere, General Blanque is referred to as a "D'Hoonibian general". It's important to remember that D'Hoonib is just one planet in the Humanoid Federation and Blaqnque is a Federation general.
Also on this page, Traximus refers to uncovering a plot between his top (Triceraton) general and General Blanque, which resulted in his being "imprisoned by his superiors and sent to the arena". How is this supposed to work? As a method of getting Traximus out of the way and out of sight, it seems a bit sketchy... after all, the gladiators in the arena battles are seen all over the vid broadcasts. And if Traximus had indeed exposed a Triceraton traitor who was working with the Federation, wouldn't he be considered a hero? Or is the idea there are so many Triceratons involved in this conspiracy of complicity with the Federation that they are able to silence a whistleblower by shipping him off to the arena? Seems too complicated and not terribly logical. I suggest instead that Traximus was sent to the arena (on charges of sedition or treason?) after speaking out once too often and too loudly against the war with the Federation.

3.) Pg. 10: I think it would be cool if, after the Turtles have fought honorably and valiantly and Prime Leader Zanramon STILL gives them the "thumbs down", the crowd in the arena should -- to his shock and dismay -- loudly BOO the Prime Leader.

--------------------------

Episode 31 outline "Triceraton Wars"

1.) Pg. 2: Suggest changing Don's line to Mike to "That's Mexican standoff, shell-for-brains!"

2.) Pg. 4: Suggest changing the word "fry" to "blast" in Honeycutt's line when he grabs Raph's blaster.

3.) Pg. 6: For the big space confrontation between the Federats and the Triceratons, I think it would be cool to devise a NEW kind of Triceraton asteroid ship which would be loaded with armament (like a battleship).

4.) Pg. 8: More confusion in nomenclature re: "D'Hoonibian" and "Federation".

When Gary and I met with Vinnie this past week, we discussed the Fugitoid as an action figure which I think we all want to see. Vinnie expressed hope that we could do something to add features to the 'Toid to make him as interesting a toy as he can be. To that end, I suggest that we give him the ability (logical given that the Fugitoid's robot body is that of a worker droid) to detach his forearm/hand units and snap on/screw on other "tool" or "weapon" arm units. And this page might be a good place to show this for the first time, when Don and Honeycutt are trying to build Honeycutt's Teleportal. I did some drawings of the Fugitoid with these kinds of replacement units years ago -- I'll see if I can dig those out and send them along.

5.) Pg. 13: When the Turtles and the Fugitoid are swept up in the Utrom's Transmat beam at the end of this episode, several Triceratons and Federats are taken along with them. In the comics, only Triceratons went -- are the Federats necessary? Do we need them in the next episode?

--------------------------

That's all from me for now! I'm psyched about these episodes!

-- Pete

------------------------------------


Subj: CG models
Date: Sunday, March 30, 2003 9:46:34 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Just remembered something I wanted to mention.

The CG model of the Battle Shell vehicle, rendered with cartoon shaders, has been used to very good effect in the new TMNT show, and I think we should seriously consider doing something similar in the second season, specifically for some of the vehicles and spaceships in the "Turtles in Space" arc.

I think it would add quite a bit to the verisimilitude of the settings if we had CG models for (in decreasing order of importance and desirability):

1-- Triceraton asteroid ships (including arena ship and giant homeworlds "mothership")
2-- Triceraton aircars and flying rigs
3-- Turtles' beat-up aircar
4-- Federat hover tanks
5-- Triceraton and Federat warships

It also just occurred to me that it might be worth considering animating the Fugitoid as a CG model, too.

Just a thought!

-- Pete

-----------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 27 final draft
Date: Sunday, March 30, 2003 6:08:16 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I'm reading Episode 27/Final draft right now. Henceforth, comments (if I have any!):

1.) I can't recall if this line was in any previous drafts, but if it was I'm surprised it got by me. It's the Fugitoid's line as follows:

  "Just because he’s the head of the entire Federation, he thinks he can call any time he wants. " 

The "he" the 'Toid is referring to is General Blanque, and Blanque isn't (or at least we never intended him to be) leader of the entire Federation... but rather an important leader in that part of the Federation. I would suggest changing this as follows:

  "Just because he’s the head of the Federation military in this sector, he thinks he can call any time he wants."  

2.) Minor detail point which might not need to be incorporated into this draft of the script but possibly at storyboarding time -- on page 25, when Blanque is telling Lonae (and the audience) about Honeycutt's Teleportal (via a display on a screen), I think it would be good to have the words "Teleportal Protoype Design" somewhere in there, to reinforce my point expressed in a previous email that the Teleportal does not yet exist anywhere BUT in Honeycutt's mind. (The Utrom's transmat is a different story.)

3.) Another minor, but possibly telling, point (in several parts): Are we legally safe in calling the political entity that Blanque represents "the Federation"? I assume that Paramount (STAR TREK) does not own those words, but I could be wrong. If it is at all sketchy, legally, I suggest calling it the "Humanoid Federation", which would accomplish two things: one, separate us from STAR TREK's "Federation", and two, emphasize a point which we were trying to make, somewhat subtly, back when we did the original FUGITOID comic... which was to make the bad guys -- or at least one set of them, the other set being the Triceratons --(apparently) human. We did this because the typical thing in science fiction is to make human=good, nonhuman=bad, and we wanted to set that concept on its ear (at least in part).

4.) I make this suggestion only to enhance a scene, and I know it isn't necessary -- when on page 36 the Triceraton shows Lonae the precious gems which will be hers in payment for betraying the Federation, I thought it might be nice if she says something brief about them to reinforce the idea that whatever it is that the Triceratons are paying her, it's substantial AND incredibly alluring. One idea -- she sees them and says in a voice equally weighted with greed and awe "Gnarthian Pleasure Gems -- enough for a lifetime --!" (or something of that nature).

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And here's some comments on Episode 28 second draft:

1.) On page 5, Mikey has been given the Fugitoid's line about finding a ship which can smuggle them out (which I suggested in previous notes changing to "smuggle them off-planet". I still think the "off-planet" works better, and I don't think giving Mikey the line makes much sense -- as Mike has almost no clue as to where he is, and the Fugitoid DOES. From Mikey's perspective, for all he knows getting out of the city OR off-planet might makes things WORSE, not better.

2.) On page 9, in line 27, is there any particular reason that Mozar calls Honeyuctt's device a "Transportal" rather than a "Teleportal"?

3.) I'm quite disturbed that my suggestion from my last notes, as follows:

"9.) Pg. 28: Instead of ripping "it to shreds!", the Triceraton should just TEAR the Turtles' aircar's engine from its mountings and toss it away."

... has not only been ignored, but the whole bit with the Triceraton tearing the engine out (OR to pieces!) has been completely taken out, and a new -- and really slapstickilly silly -- bit has been added with Don doing a "Mayday!" call on a disconnected (!) microphone. Exactly who is he calling in a "Mayday!" distress call to -- the Federats? the Triceratons?

That's it!

-- Pete