Blast from the Past #489: August 18, 2005: notes on Ep121 ("Headlock Prime") first draft, and notes on Show 120 Final ("Home Invasion")

Subj: notes on Ep121 ("Headlock Prime")
Date: Thursday, August 18, 2005 1:47:03 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my 15 notes on ep121 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. FLOATING SKYSCRAPER – ROOF – SUNSET
ESTABLISH Cody’s luxury building in Uptown.  The sun sets behind the spectacular futuristic skyline.
ON THE ROOF – SPLINTER emerges from a rooftop doorway, holding a pot of living bamboo.  He carries it over to the beginnings of a GARDEN that he’s building.
SPLINTER – sets down the pot and glances over at something OS.
HIS POV - RAPHAEL stands at the edge of the roof, SILHOUETTED by the setting sun.  He gazes out at the city, deep in thought."

Just a suggestion -- maybe it would be cool to start this scene with a little "fool the eye" approach. By that I mean DON'T show the futuristic cityscape right away -- instead, frame the shots and angles carefully so that you only see Raph and/or the plants in the garden Splinter is making in closeup or medium closeup, against the beautiful sunset. The idea here is to temporarily fool the viewer into thinking that maybe Raph and Splinter are back in the past, or in some bucolic location. And then, only when Raph starts complaining, pull out or switch to a different angle to show the real setting.


2.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
I am building a rooftop garden.  A place of serenity and peace—
<HOOOONK!>  A loud HORN pierces the serenity.  Splinter cringes, and he and Raph look up at:
A HUGE ADVERTISING BLIMP – cruises by overhead.  It’s covered with bright VIDEO SCREENS (think Blade Runner).
SPLINTER – frowns.  The best laid plans...
THE BLIMP – cruises slowly past.  The screens display graphics promoting the “GALACTIC WRESTLING FEDERATION” and their upcoming “123rd SLAM-A-THON,” including LOGOS and moving images of various human and alien WRESTLERS in action.  Very gaudy."

I wonder if it would be cool to have this blimp be SHAPED like a big wrestler, so that when it comes into view, Raph and Spinter might VERY briefly (like, a couple of seconds) go into fight mode, thinking it's some gigantic foe about to land on them... until they realize it's just an advertising blimp.


3.) Re: the following:

"ANNOUNCER (VO – THRU BELOW)
The Galactic Wrestling Federation presents the one-hundred-twenty-third Slam-a-Thon.  See all your favorite wrestlers battle it out for the title in a cage match finale.  Tonight at Madison Square Garden."

Not sure if this would work, or if there are any rights issues that we don't want to get entangled with (I don't think there would be, but ya never know), but... it occurred to me that it might be fun to use, either as foreground or background characters in this whole wrestling thing, some of the "space wrestlers" that were in the old Archie TMNT comics. Might be cool for the fans.


4.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Chill out, Lugnuts.  I’m teaching Cody the art of self-defense, so he can get himself out of trouble.
SERLING – sweeps up the last of the fragments.
SERLING
How many more antiques must be sacrificed for “the art of self-defense...?”"

There's absolutely nothing wrong with Serling's last line here, but I thought perhaps a better one might be a line that connects to Mike's "get himself out of trouble" bit, perhaps as follows:

"SERLING -- Trouble that you hooligans will surely get him INTO!"

This line could actually be followed by the existing line about the antiques.


5.) In the bit where Raph tries to get one of the other Turtles to go with him to the wrestling match, perhaps he could ALMOST sway Mikey with visions of junk food that would likely be served at the arena -- hot dogs, greasy cheesy nachos, etc. -- but then Cody enters the room with the video game and Mike goes for that.


6.) I have to say that Triple Threat is a much better character than the Fat Lady. Bravo to whoever came up with this idea.


7.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Somebody throw a chair or something!  This is the worst wrestling match I’ve ever seen--!
An entire ROW OF CHAIRS suddenly <CRASHES> into the ring!
QUICK REACTION SHOTS – Raph... Leo... The Wrestlers...
LOW ANGLE – Triple Threat makes a DRAMATIC ENTRANCE as he LEAPS into the ring beside the chairs."

I'm a little unclear about what is happening here. From where is Triple Threat entering the ring? Above? Below? From one side? If he has to walk in from the edge of the crowd, you would think he would be noticed BEFORE he reaches the ring, and cause some reaction. And is it HE who throws the "entire row of chairs"? Maybe it's a little much to throw a whole row of chairs. And are these chairs EMPTY or are there patrons sitting in them? Literal Laird needs to know!


8.) Re: the following:

"ANNOUNCER (VO)
A Turtle Man has entered the ring, and they’ve lowered the Tritanium Cage."

"A Turtle Man" sounds pretty silly, here and where it is repeated later. Perhaps something else could be done. Here's an idea: Maybe when Raph climbs into the ring, the Announcer notices that there are TWO of these Turtle-looking beings. He sends out a small flying camera drone/remote microphone which starts buzzing annoyingly around Raph. Through it, the Announcer asks Raph who the heck he is -- what is his "wrestling name", and so on. Raph -- who is really getting into this wrestling bit -- has a flash of inspiration and says to the drone "You can call me -- Tengu Warrior (or Tengu Terror)!" Then, as the Announcer keeps squawking through the drone, Triple Threat grabs and CRUSHES it, sprinkling the pieces onto the wrestling mat.


9.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE – Raph swings across the bars... but Triple manages to GRAB one of his legs!  He pulls, and Raph hangs on...
RAPHAEL
<gah!>  Leo!  <strains>
LEO – finishes cutting open a large HOLE in the cage, reacts:
LEONARDO
Put him down!
TRIPLE – manages to PULL Raph free.
NASTY HEAD
Whatever you say...
He WHIRLS Raph around and HURLS him!
TRACK RAPH – He hurtles through the air, SLAMS into Leo, and they both go TUMBLING through the ropes and out of the cage!"

Just to be clear here (because it isn't) -- Leo, after cutting the hole in the cage, ENTERS the cage? Or does Raph get thrown THROUGH the hole in the cage, THEN slams into Leo?

10.) Re: the following:


"RAPH AND LEO – lie in a heap, unconscious.  Triple hurries past."

Given what these guys have been through in the past, I doubt simply being thrown out of a wrestling ring would knock the unconscious. Perhaps they just have the wind knocked out of them, or better yet, they're tangled up in a mess of chairs and other patrons.


11.) Re: the following:

"LEO – takes his Credit Stick from the Cab Driver...
LEONARDO
Keep the change."

Might be funny to add a line from the Cab Driver here after Leo's "Keep the change" line. The Cabbie could -- with a puzzled look -- say "What is... change?"

12.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Use you head this time, Raph."

That should be "your", not "you".


13.) Re: the following:

"ANNOUNCER
The Whirling Feets of Fury!"

Should that be "Feet", not "Feets"?


14.) Re: the following:

"THE ANNOUNCER – TEARS off his shirt with crazed excitement:"

"Tears off his shirt..."? What is up with THAT?


15.) Re: the following:

"INT. CODY’S PENTHOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Raph and Leo enter; they look exhausted.  Raph carries the Belt.
ANGLE – Mikey, Don, and Cody sit in front of the holo-screen, totally absorbed in the 3-D HELIX video game.  Mikey hears them enter and turns to wave them over:
MICHELANGELO
Raph!  Leo!  Come here!  You have got to check out this game!
FAVOR RAPH – He exchanges a weary glance with Leo.
RAPHAEL
I’ve had enough for one night.
He walks off...
EXT. FLOATING SKYSCRAPER – ROOF – MOMENTS LATER
Raph sits in the rooftop garden, alongside Splinter, deep in meditation...
FADE OUT.
END"

While I like the image of Raph meditating with Splinter, this ending seems, somehow, a little... flat. Not sure how to make it better.


-- Pete

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Subj: notes on Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Final
Date: Thursday, August 18, 2005 2:09:32 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my three notes on the ep120 final. This is improved significantly, but there are still a few "stubborn stains" that remain from past drafts.


1.) Re: the following (repeated from my last notes):

""* A SCANNER BEAM passes over Raph, and like a Swiss Army knife, arms flip out various options – dental floss, Q-Tips, tweezers. 
* SANI-LAV (VO)
Select an option… Floss your teeth? Pluck your nose hairs? Wax your shell?"

Thank you for adding the "scanner beam", but -- as funny as the idea of plucking nose hairs is -- it should probably be clear to this robot that Raph (like all the Turtles) has no nose to have hairs in. Perhaps we could substitute a spinning polishing pad for the tweezers and "Buff your beak?" for "Pluck your nose hairs"?




2.) Re: the following (repeated from my last notes):

"LEONARDO
Master Splinter! 
Leo rushes to Splinter who wobbles unsteadily on his feet. His fur is comically frizzed out. 
* SPLINTER
*(dazed & wobbly)
Perhaps it would be wise to sit this one out. (groaning FAINT!)"

Splinter's line is STILL dopey and un-Splinterlike. And inappropriate. And unnecessary.


3.) Re: the following:

"** SPLINTER
I believe so, Leonardo. Still, our experience with Viral was... 
** He touches Mikey’s arm with the finger. ZAP! Mikey is shocked with a jolt of residual energy. 
** SPLINTER
… somewhat shocking. "

I'm glad the dopey frizzy hair gag is gone, but this "residual energy/shocking Mikey" thing is STILL as dopey as it was. What is Splinter here -- a BATTERY? And hasn't it occurred to anyone how un-Splinterlike this action is -- DELIBERATELY causing one of the Turtles pain for NO REASON other than -- TEE HEE! -- it's "funny"? (Yes, I know Splinter has whacked one or more of the Turtles over the noggin with his walking stick in past episodes -- but that was for a REASON, i.e. they were misbehaving, not listening to his lessons, etc. Here, Mike's not doing anything -- he's just innocently standing there.)



-- Pete

Blast from the Past #488: August 17, 2005: notes on TMNT Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Second Draft, notes on TMNT Shows 124 ("Night of Sh'Okanabo") and 125 ("Clash of the Turtle Titans") Premises, and Re: TMNT Show 123 ("Bishop to Knight") Outline

Subj: notes on TMNT Show 120 ("Home Invasion") Second Draft
Date: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 2:05:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the ep120 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
It is, as they say, totally awesome. "

Perhaps it would be better if Splinter said:


"SPLINTER
It is, as my sons would say, totally awesome. "


2.) Re: the following:

""19. donatello
Don’t bust a servo, Serling.  I’m just tweaking this bad boy so it’ll make the chicken fries crispier."

"Bad boy" is slang that, in a pinch, Don MIGHT use, but it seems inappropriate here -- not only because it's Don (not Raph or Mike), but because he's referring to a kitchen appliance... hardly deserving the appellation "bad boy".


3.) Re: the following:

"* As he twists a screw, a LASER TORCH suddenly shoots out.  ZAP! Mikey reacts startled, as Donny quickly dials it back. 
MICHAELANGELO
Whoa! A little too crispy! 
* After laser shuts off, we see that Serling was seared by the beam. As steam rises off his body, he looks pissed! 
SERLING
You soft-shelled idiot! You nearly fried my circuits! "

I.m happy that the jet of flame has been replaced with a "laser torch", but -- as we are looking to make this new series funnier -- I think we are missing an opportunity here. As I mentioned in my last notes:

"Perhaps a better scenario -- if we must keep the "jet of flame" -- would be to have Serling holding something flammable (or "char"-able) which could be set on fire/charred/melted by the "jet of flame"."

Obviously the jet of flame is gone, but what's a funnier scenario:


-- Serling is "seared by the beam" and "steam (?) rises off his body", or


-- Serling is carrying (a) a priceless silver serving tray with Cody's lunch on it, or (b) a stack of towels he's about to put in the bathroom, or (c) a Jones family heirloom which he is polishing, or (d) something of that sort -- and the laser torch melts/burns/cuts in half/drills a hole through one of the above


I would vote for the latter. It's hijinky!


4.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Hey, if you can’t stand the heat…Stay out of the kitchen bot! 
Donny and Mikey merrily high-five each other."

This may be a little too subtle, but -- given that Mike's jokey riff on the famous phrase here only marginally makes sense (Serling's in the kitchen, but he's not in the kitchen bot) -- maybe Mike could go to give Don the high-five, but Don ignores him, or just gives him the "Lame gag, Mikey" raised eyebrow.


5.) Re: the following:

"* A SCANNER BEAM passes over Raph, and like a Swiss Army knife, arms flip out various options – dental floss, Q-Tips, tweezers. 
* SANI-LAV (VO)
Select an option… Floss your teeth? Pluck your nose hairs? Wax your shell?"

Thank you for adding the "scanner beam", but -- as funny as the idea of plucking nose hairs is -- it should probably be clear to this robot that Raph (like all the Turtles) has no nose to have hairs in. Perhaps we could substitute a spinning polishing pad for the tweezers and "Buff your beak?" for "Pluck your nose hairs"?


6.) Re: the following:

"* On a HOLO-CONTROL PANEL, the gauges fluctuate, then suddenly shoot up into the red. TWO TECHNICIANS view the gauges with alarm. 
TECH #1
I’m getting a spike on grid ten. 
TECH #2
Clamp it down. 
* They rush to throw a series of virtual switches, but the spike continues to grow! <SPARKS> shoot out of the control panel. 
TECH #1
The suppressors can’t hold it! 
* As they frantically try to control the surge, a strange HELIX SPIRAL of SPARKS whirls up. For a brief instant, it transforms the holo-panel into a scary VIRTUAL FEMALE FACE. This is VIRAL! "

I appreciate the inclusion of my suggestion for the holographic display, but the "strange HELIX SPIRAL of SPARKS" still seems a bit off to me, as my understanding of Viral is that she is SOFTWARE -- lines of code in a malicious program -- and NOT some kind of physical entity which can control random physical processes or phenomena like sparks. As such, I think Viral's face should form solely within the holo-panel.
This is NOT to say that Viral's infection of the machinery cannot cause them to PRODUCE sparks -- just that Viral should not be able to CONTROL those sparks in any way.


7.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
Something’s moving physically through the wiring, like a power surge would…
* DON AND CODY – share a glance as Serling moves past them, MOPPING the floor with one of his many attachments. 
* CODY
…But it’s registering as program by the system software.
* DONATELLO
How can a program move through power lines?"

I think we need to come to some kind of agreement about WHAT Viral is, as this exchange between Cody and Don seems to muddy the waters. Also, Don and Cody (as fellow brainiacs)  should know that it IS possible to send data signals up and down power lines -- that's something I've been reading about for years.


8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Master Splinter! 
Leo rushes to Splinter who wobbles unsteadily on his feet. His fur is comically frizzed out. 
* SPLINTER
*(dazed & wobbly)
Perhaps it would be wise to sit this one out. (groaning FAINT!)"

Splinter's line is STILL dopey and un-Splinterlike. And inappropriate. And unnecessary.


9.) Re: the following:

"* DONNY
*Guys, open up! We got *trouble out here! "

Don would say "we've got", not "we got".


10.) Re: the following:

"VIRAL
I am Viral, a quanti-platform digital overconstruct of infinite subtlety and power.
Donny glances at Cody. 
* DONATELLO
Modest, isn’t she? 
* VIRAL
No, EXACT, so that you understand who holds the power here, PET. I have been uploaded here to extract information from O’Neil Tech’s mainframe. "

Viral's line "No, EXACT, so that you understand who holds the power here, PET" reads EXTREMELY awkwardly. It could be taken out in its entirety.  And I don't see why she would refer to Don as "PET".


11.) Re: the following:

"* VIRAL
SILENCE! Your is the only remote location in the city with a hardwired direct connection into the central banks--"

I think "your" should be "yours".


12.) Re: the following:

"VIRAL
*A useless gesture, reptile. Unless you can punch out an entire building, you cannot win. "

This last one is a weird line. First, that Viral uses the phrase "punch out" seems odd, and second, that Viral would say that (if Raph could only do it)  "punching out an entire building" would defeat her -- which, obviously, it WOULDN'T. I would eliminate that second line.


13.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
I love punchin’ cattle! "

It's a minor point, and I'm not going to dwell on it, but if you do a Google search for "punching cattle" and "cow punching", you will get almost exactly twice as many hits for the latter as for the former. Which, to me, is anecdotal evidence that my suggestion (in my last set of notes) of "cow punchin'" for the phrase Raph uses would be better that "punchin' cattle", as it would seem to be the more common usage and thus more easily understood by our audience.
Whatever.


14.) Re: the following:

"VIRAL
You dare to mock me? 
MIKEY
We’re mock turtles. Deal with it!"

This still bugs me. Mike's gag really makes no sense. There are no such things as "mock turtles" (outside of Lewis Carroll's work) -- it's my understanding that that phrase comes from a type of soup made without turtle meat as an ingredient (a type of soup Carroll was referencing when he created his "Mock Turtle" in "Alice in Wonderland"). So what Mike is actually saying here is that they are FAKE turtles -- does that make sense in context?
I get that the writer wants to play on the famous phrase, which is all well and good, but I think it could be done better. I reiterate my previous suggestion:


"I appreciate the Lewis Carroll reference, but why not make it a double-layered gag by having Mikey say instead:


"We’re mockin' turtles.  Deal with it! "


15.) Re: the following:

"* VIRAL
Your master is no longer in play. Therefore, you are no longer necessary.
When the image resolves, the Turtles find themselves in a new holo-simulation that looks very familiar. Their old SEWER HIDEOUT. 
RAPHAEL
What does she mean? If you hurt Cody-! "

I'm just as confused as Raph. "Your master is no longer in play"...? What's that about? And how does Raph translate that into the idea that she means Cody? Wouldn't he think (like I did) that she means Splinter?


16.) Re: the following:

"* DONATELLO (CONT)
We’re going to systematically shut down the power grid around the building. 
* CODY
Because without power, she can’t function? But can’t she just jump out? 
* DONATELLO
I don’t think so. Viral said she needed a hardwire connection to get the mainframe. And she got serling when he was plugged in. If we shut down the power around the building, she won’t have anywhere to jump to can’t jump into another system."

There's an odd stutter at the end of that last line, but that's the least of the problems here. It is INANE to suggest that Viral can only get into hardwired devices. I mean, we're only living in the primitive very early 21st century and already we're surrounded by millions of wireless devices and networks. SURELY the world of 2015 will be even more so.
It's also kind or boring, visually, for Don to hack into the system and shut down the power the way he does. I will reiterate a few of my previous suggestions:


"1.) Instead of remotely shutting off the city's power grid, maybe Don can remotely link to the Hovershell -- something he figures Viral wouldn't be interested in at the moment -- and have it do something (ram, shoot missiles or lasers) to a nearby power junction which would turn the power off to Cody's building.

2.) Have Don's plan of shutting down the building's power APPEAR to have worked. But then, when Cody says something about how lucky they are that BATTERY-POWERED things like his pockettab kept working even when the power to the building was shut off, Don could immediately go "Uh-oh..." as he realizes that there are OTHER battery-powered things in the building -- like freakin' battle robots!"


17.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I’m gonna lose my linguini! "

As I've already said (twice):


"NOT a Leo line. This is more of a Raph or Mikey line."


18.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
*Yeah, I cut off the power to shut Viral down. "

Don doesn't say "yeah".

19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
*That glitch sucks a lot of juice. I don’t know where’s she’d find a battery that’s big enough--? "


This bit of technobabble makes NO sense to me. Didn't Don already observe Viral taking over Serling's body? And isn't Serling "battery powered"?


20.) Re: the following:

"* DONATELLO
You just made a big mistake, lady…"

Raph would add the "lady" at the end of this line. Mike might do it also. But Don would not.


21.) Re: the following:

"* RAPHAEL
Cause it ain’t us against your overgrown toys no more."

I don't get this. Aren't they right now fighting one of her "overgrown toys"?


22.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo steps in and <SLICES> the buzz saw arm off with his swords. 
LEONARDO
Buzz off! "

Ugh. I like snappy banter as much as the next guy, but this is DUMB banter, especially coming out of Leo's mouth.


23.) Re: the following:

"MICHAELANGELO
Dude! The place is totally trashed. In our day, that meant you know how to party! "

Grammatically speaking, should that be "knew" instead of "know"?


24.) Re: the following:

""They turn and see Splinter entering.  His fur is still frizzed from the Taser shock.  Leonardo rushes up to him with concern. 
210. leonardo
Master, are you all right? 
211. michaelangelo
He’s just having a bad hair day. 
Splinter raises one finger as he philosophizes.  
212. splinter
It is not the outward appearance that matters, Michaelangelo.  It is what comes from the inside.  
Then, he touches Mikey’s arm with the finger.  ZAP!  Mikey is shocked with a jolt of residual energy.  
213. michaelangelo
Ouch!  You did that on purpose! 
As Mikey scowls and rubs his arm, Serling suppresses a laugh.  Ignoring Mikey’s protests, Splinter turns to Cody."


As I said in my last notes:


"I really don't like any of this. It's very silly and pointless, and all apparently to continue the "Splinter's frizzy hair" gag (which wasn't all that hilarious to begin with)." 

Let's lose it, please. If we REALLY want to continue the hilarity which is "Splinter's frizzy hair", maybe it would be funny to see Serling combing him out in this scene as the others discuss what happened.


25.) Re: the following:

"Inside, the vault is crammed with computer equipment. Viral Bot sits amidst the gear and welds one of the joints on her broken robot body. 
VIRAL
Trapped in this twisted form! Please, master… please repair me so I can- "

As I said in my last notes:


"There is nothing that I can see in this script which even remotely explains why VIral would be or COULD be trapped inside this robot body. Remember, Viral is SOFTWARE -- he (or I guess now she) is a PROGRAM. All Viral needs to get out of this body is some kind of link, hardwired or wireless. More thought is needed. One POSSIBLE explanation could be that SOMETHING that the Turtles do or casue to happen to Viral during the battle causes a snippet of his program to be erased or garbled -- and it's THAT piece of code which allows Viral to jump from one system to another."


-- Pete

------------------------------


Subj: notes on TMNT Shows 124 ("Night of Sh'Okanabo") and 125  ("Clash of the Turtle Titans") Premises
Date: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 2:43:18 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the two premises.

------------------------------------------

notes on ep124 premise


1.) Re: the following:

"The guys train against SERLING, whom Don has begun reprogramming as a battle bot “for his own protection”. Serling isn’t liking it one bit, and they joke about how he’d feel if he knew Cody had rebuilt him into body armor!  Someone makes a comment about Serling becoming a “robot Jekyl and Hyde.”"

As I have commented previously, I think it's a HUGE mistake to turn this version of Serling into Cody's "Turtle Bot Armor". Thus, I can't approve this and any of the other stuff in this premise which has Serling acting as a "battle bot". It also makes little or no sense to me that, with the holographic simulator at their disposal, the Turtles would bother to "train against Serling".
This MIGHT work for me is we go with the idea that I suggested in a previous email -- that Cody has an earlier, less sophisticated version of Serling which he is "tricking out" as a suit of battle armor.


2.) The rest of this is pretty good, except for (as noted above) Serling turning into Cody's battle bot armor.

------------------------------------------

notes on ep125 premise


1.) I really don't have much to say about this one, other than that it seems like it could be a lot of fun. The one thing that seems a little weak -- and it's important, as it is a part of the central thread of the episode -- is WHO this new "Turtle Titan" really is. As written, when he finally takes of the mask at the end of the episode, it reveals "a plain old human underneath". This is a little disappointing. (Also, there is an odd line earlier about how "the Turtle Titan mantle has been passed down for generations to worthy successors" -- but hasn't it only been two -- or three at most -- generations since Mikey started the whole "Turtle Titan" thing?)
Though it is not TOTALLY necessary, I would prefer that we think of some more interesting connection for this new Turtle Titan, to make him (or her) more than just "a plain old human underneath". Here are a few suggestions:


1.) A descendant of Angel (the friend of Casey's/street kid the Turtles met in the first season)


2.) Metalhead (the ageless android who was part of the "Justice Force") -- maybe after all of the other Justice Force members died off, he took on this new identity to carry on their good works


3.) A descendant of Silver Sentry (perhaps without all of the Sentry's superpowers)


4.) An Utrom!



-- Pete

-------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT Show 123  ("Bishop to Knight") Outline
Date: Wednesday, August 17, 2005 3:37:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the ep123 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"LOGLINE: Mikey, who’s been jonesin’ for some good old bad-for-you junk food convinces his brothers to join him in his quest for said delicacies by heading down to New Manhattan’s retro region – Downtown."

Minor point, but I wonder if "Downtown" is too bland and generic a term for this area of the city. Maybe "LowDownTown" or "Old Downtown" "DownDownTown" or "RetroTown" or "VintageVale" (yeah, that one sucks, I know) or somesuch.


2.) Re: the following:

"The boys land in MANSFIELD PARK, stow the speeders (park them at a metered spot or in a parking lot?), and hit the streets of DOWNTOWN. There is an obvious “old world” feel to the place, as it is largely unchanged from today. (And therefore hopefully including some REUSE of older sets!) The main difference is with its citizens – immigrants not only from all over the world but also from all over the universe!"

It would be cool if we could do some stuff like they did in the old "Magnus, Robot Fighter" comics where the extremely tall future buildings had correspondingly large, thick foundation "roots" at the bottom level, sometimes portrayed as gigantic foundations straddling or paralleling the smaller vintage buildings.


3.) Re: the following:

"Raph: “I’ve waited one hundred years to give you a smackdown, Bishop!”"

I get the idea behind this gag, but when you think about it -- Raph has only waited a few days/weeks/months. Remember, he SKIPPED that hundred years when he came to the future.


4.) Re: the following:

"To prove his altruism, he gives them directions to an ALIEN ALLEY underworld dive called “Brakko’s Abyss” where a notorious mercenary named TORBIN ZIIXX will be showing up soon."

A VERY minor point -- but for some reason when I read "Brakko's Abyss", I thought for a moment "Brakko" was some variant of "cobra" spelled backwards (which I quickly realized it WASN'T). Then I thought "Maybe it SHOULD be!" So -- how about "Abroc's Abyss"? Get some alliteration in there, too.


5.) Re: the following:

"Bishop: “Ziixx will be at the Abyss tomorrow. You have until then to decide whether or not you believe me….”"

As I pointed out in my previous notes:

"I don't understand the logic of this scene. Why do the Turtles have "until then" to decide whether to believe Bishop?"

I mean, what's going to happen "then" -- to them or anyone else -- if they DON'T believe him?


6.) Re: the following:

"NIGHT. ALIEN ALLEY, OUTSIDE BRAKKO’S ABYSS. Brakko’s is a tough underworld joint. Even the rats hanging out on the garbage outside the club look tough! Four dark backlit figures approach the entrance. They are dressed like “long riders” – with long flowing overcoats and wide brimmed cowboy hats that cast shadows across their faces. The four enter the club and take their seats at a table in the back, a good spot for observing the scene and clientele. And what a clientele it is: a crowded mix of every bad ass-looking alien you can imagine; all of them drinking, plotting, networking, cutting deals."

Might be fun for the fans -- of which I am one -- if we threw in a line from one of the Turtles about how this place reminds them of the bar on D'Hoonib (from Season 2). Also might be fun if we had a brief cameo of the "Turtle Master with Rat Students" from one of those "Turtles in Space" episodes.


7.) Re: the following:

"Cut back to Ziixx’s Hover Craft as it lands in a darkened area of Downtown, its lights off."

Unless I missed something, at this point in the story Zixx was piloting the Hovershell, NOT his own craft.


8.) Re: the following:

"Ziixx: “See you around. Oh, and don’t try to follow me this time. I’ve hidden an energy transmitter on one of you guys that copies the exact energy signature of the bomb that just blew up. You have about ten seconds to haul your green butts out of here before every Peacekeeper with a bomb-sniffer in on you for blowing up a government transport! Bye!”"

Is Zixx telling the truth here, or is he just blowing smoke? If he IS telling the truth, wouldn't the Peacekeepers be able to find the Turtles regardless of how well they hide? And if he's NOT telling the truth, shouldn't we somehow SHOW that?


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #487: August 14, 2005: Re: Turtles #120 ("Home Invasion") First draft

Subj: Re: Turtles #120 ("Home Invasion") First draft
Date: Sunday, August 14, 2005 3:19:06 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the ep 120 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"17. serling (vo)
Donatello!  How many times do have to tell you…"

I think that should read:

"17. serling (vo)
Donatello!  How many times do I have to tell you…"

2.) Re: the following:

"19. donatello
Don’t bust a servo, Serling.  I’m just tweaking this bad boy so it’ll make the chicken fries crispier."

"Bad boy" is slang that, in a pinch, Don MIGHT use, but it seems inappropriate here -- not only because it's Don (not Raph or Mike), but because he's referring to a kitchen appliance... hardly deserving the appellation "bad boy".


3.) Re: the following:

"As he twists a screw, a jet of flame suddenly shoots out.   WHOOSH!  Mikey reacts startled, as Donny quickly dials it back.  
20. michaelangelo
Whoa!  A little too crispy!  
After the flames have died down, we see that Serling was charred by the fire, and he looks steamed!  
21. serling
You soft-shelled idiot!  You nearly fried my circuits! "

The "jet of flame" bit seems way too 20th century (surely in 2015 they have better ways to fry chicken than with flames), but what really "fries my cicuits" about this one is that Serling is described as "charred". Huh? I thought he was made of metal, and a lot more resistant to damage than that.
Perhaps a better scenario -- if we must keep the "jet of flame" -- would be to have Serling holding something flammable (or "char"-able) which could be set on fire/charred/melted by the "jet of flame".


4.) Re: the following:

"22. donatello
Hey, if you can’t stand the heat…   
23. donatello/michaelangelo
(in unision)
Stay out of the kitchen bot!  
Donny and Mikey merrily high-five each other.  "

That's the kind of joke that I could see Mikey or Raph making, but not Don, especially given that he almost caused some serious damage -- or could have -- with his "jet of flame". Don isn't that casual about things like that. So I would suggest giving Mikey this gag alone.


5.) Re: the following:

"But once he’s in the bathroom, the lights brighten and SOOTHING ELEVTOR MUSIC begins to play.  As Raph watches in horror, four ROBOTIC ARMS extend out of the medicine cabinet.  
27. sani-lav (vo)
Welcome to the Sani-Lav 2150, for all your personal hygienic needs.  
28. raphael
You gotta be kiddin’ me!
Like a Swiss Army knife, the arms flip out various options – dental floss, Q-Tips, tweezers…"

I'm not sure if we have time to do this in this scene, but it might be cool if the Sani-Lav 2150 also incorporates a scanner beam that plays over Raph's body and analyzes what his particular body form/species might need in terms of "personal hygienic needs". In Raph's case, that might mean something like a shell waxing.


6.) Re: the following:

"PUSH IN on a blocky power substation at the edge of the city.  
int.  substaion control room – continuous
On the control panel, the gauges fluctuate, then suddenly shoot up into the red.  TWO TECHNICIANS view the gauges with alarm."

Might be cool if one or both of the technicians were aliens instead of humans.


7.) Re: the following:

"They rush to throw a series of switches, but the spike continues to grow!  SPARKS begin to shoot out of the control panel.  
35. tech #1
The suppressors can’t hold it!  
As they frantically try to control the surge, a strange HELIX SPIRAL of SPARKS whirls up.  For a brief instant, it forms a scary VIRTUAL FACE.  This is VIRAL!  "

Perhaps it would be better and more "futuristic" if the control panels/grids these techs are looking at are not hard screens, but a kind of holographic display. This could also make the appearance of Viral's face more realistic -- instead of appearing in a "shower of sparks" (sparks being kind of random things) it could infect and warp the holographic display (which is driven by software) to represent its face.


8.) Re: the following:

"43. michaelangelo
Does it include pizza?  "

Perhaps we could find something else other than "pizza" that Mike would hope the surprise included.


9.) Re: the following:

"46. donatello
Kickin’ graphics! "

"Kickin'" is too slangy for Don. Perhaps "Excellent" would be better.


10.) Re: the following:

"66. serling
Impossible!  I wired every inch of that system myself.  
67. donatello
Hey, you’re only human… or whatever you are.  
Suddenly, Serling whirls his mop like a Bo Staff and WHACKS Donny on the head!  
68. donatello
OW! "

Perhaps it would be better if Don's line "Hey, you’re only human… or whatever you are" was cut to read "Hey, you’re only human", and delivered with a wink to Cody or some other indication that Don obviously KNOWS that Serling ISN'T human. Then Serling could respond huffily with something like "No reason to insult me, Turtle..." -- and THEN he could start whacking on Don with the mop. Cody could say something like "Serling! It wasn't THAT much of an insult --!"... to which Serling could then respond "It's not that, sir -- I seem to have lost control of my motor functions!"


11.) Re: the following:

"Donny kicks Serling over, then back-flips over to the bathroom where he pries Cody loose from the robotic arms with his staff.  
75. donatello
Talk about a plaque attack!  You almost got flossed!"

REALLY silly lines here. I'd lose them.


12.) Re: the following:

"The turtles look up in alarm as Viral’s scary virtual face hovers over them.  
84. viral
(ominous LAUGH!)
85. Michaelangelo
Why do I get the feeling he’s laughing at us, not with us?  "

It seems a bit odd that the Turtles react to the appearance of this bizarre thing without wondering what it is.


13.) Re: the following:

"Leo rushes to Splinter who wobbles unsteadily on his feet.  His fur is comically frizzed out.  
89. splinter
(dazed)
Perhaps it would be wise to sit this one out. "

Splinter's line is dopey, given the obvious danger that they are in.


14.) Re: the following:

"But when they reach the dojo, the door is shut.  Donny urgently pounds on the door.  
91. donny
Hey, guys, open up!  You could be in danger!  
int.  dojo – conintuous
Leonardo is swatting away ninja stars with his blades as he hears Donny’s warning.  
92. leonardo
Gee, you think? "

"Gee, you think?" just doesn't sound like Leo.


15.) Re: the following:

"103. raphael
Mega-byte me, fuzz face! "

"Fuzz face"? Doesn't that usually refer to a character with hair/fur on it? Perhaps "sparky" would be better here.


16.) Re: the following:

"111. raphael
I love punchin’ cattle! "

I could be wrong, but I think the most common version of this phrase is "cow punching" -- so maybe it would be better if Raph said:

"I love cow punchin’!"

17.) Re: the following:

"114. leonardo
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!  "

Another "gag" line that doesn't sound like Leo... not to mention that it doesn't make any sense in context.


18.) Re: the following:

"134. viral
What?  You dare to mock me?  
135. mikey
We’re mock turtles.  Deal with it! "

I appreciate the Lewis Carroll reference, but why not make it a double-layered gag by having Mikey say instead:

"We’re mockin' turtles.  Deal with it! "

(I'm also reminded of the movie "A Hard Day's Night" when one of the Beatles -- can't remember which one -- is asked if they are "Mods" or "Rockers", and he replies "We're Mockers.")


19.) Re: the following:

"Trying to keep his balance, Leo clutches his stomach.  
160. leonardo
I’m gonna lose my linguini! "

Again, NOT a Leo line. This is more of a Raph or Mikey line.


20.) Re: the following:

"147. donatello
We need to get into the mainframe again.  
Cody looks skeptical as he activates his pockettab.  
148. cody
What good’s that gonna do?  You saw what happens when we tried to delete him!  
149. donatello
Watch and learn, young ninja.  We’re not going to delete him…  
Donny takes the controls and calls up a schematic of the city’s power grid.  
150. donatello (cont)
We’re going to systematically shut down the power grid.  "

A few things here. First, back in the end of act 2 Cody's "pockettab" froze up (apparently due to something Viral did). Why/how is it now operating? 
Also, I think Don shutting down the city's power grid using Cody's pockettab happens WAY too easily.


21.) Re: the following:

"152. donatello
And with any luck, we’ll be able to force him to retreat into this harmless old blender.  "

This is pretty dopey. WHY would Don think a highly sophisticated computer program like VIral could be trapped in a BLENDER? And then Don's later lines:

"Donny proudly holds out the blender.  
176. donatello
Yeah, I shut off the power and trapped old fuzz face in here.  
As they look at the blender, Cody pushes a few of the buttons.  Nothing happens.  
177. cody
Uh, Donny, I’m not so sure he’s in there…
Donny looks at it, puzzled.  
178. donatello
He’s gotta be!  Where else would he go?"

... make him sound like an idiot. (Not to mention the fact that Don doesn't say "Yeah" and "gotta"... and what's up with the repetition of "fuzz face"?) "Where else would he go"? Uh, how about the hundreds if not THOUSANDS of other electronic devices in Cody's building? It looks to me like all this nonsense is in here simply to set up a "the bad guy's in the blender" gag -- which, while it has a certain surreal appeal, just DOESN'T work here. It really makes Don suddenly seem like a dunce, especially when he says this ridiculous line:

"Donny looks up at the towering Viral bot and reacts.  Annoyed, he points to the blender.  
181. donatello
Dude!  You’re supposed to be in here!"

More thought needs to go into this. Here are a couple of suggestions:


1.) Instead of remotely shutting off the city's power grid, maybe Don can remotely link to the Hovershell -- something he figures Viral wouldn't be interested in at the moment -- and have it do something (ram, shoot missiles or lasers) to a nearby power junction which would turn the power off to Cody's building.

2.) Instead of the dopey blender bit, have Don's plan of shutting down the building's power APPEAR to have worked. But then, when Cody says something about how lucky they are that BATTERY-POWERED things like his pocekttab kept working even when the power to the building was shut off, Don could immediately go "Uh-oh..." as he realizes that there are OTHER battery-powered things in the building -- like freakin' battle robots!


22.) Re: the following:

"184. viral
(angry SCREAM!)
I’ll squash you like old spam!"

This is a VERY odd gag. I assume Viral MUST be talking about Spam the meat product (which is squashable), and NOT spam the unwanted email. But how does Viral know about Spam? And why OLD Spam? Isn't NEW Spam just as squashable? Perhaps something other than Spam is called for here.


23.) Re: the following:

"Then Viral flips out a GIANT SERRATED BLADE from another arm.  Mikey wraps his nun-chuks around it and yanks it off, leaving a sparking stump behind.  
188. michaelangelo
Like my disarming personality?  
Meanwhile, Donny drives his Bo Staff into the back of Viral’s leg which forces the big bot to drop to one knee.  
189. donatello
I can’t stand it! 
This allows Raph to vault up onto Viral’s back where he rips off circuit cover and plunges his Sais inside.  
190. raphael
You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours!  
When he pulls them out again, they have a tangle of wires hooked on them.  He twirls them like spaghetti forks, pulling more wires out.  
Viral waves a BUZZ SAW ARM at Raph, but he can’t reach him.  
191. viral
Get off my back!  
Then Leonardo steps in and slices the buzz saw arm off with his swords.  
192. leonardo
Buzz off!  "

Lots of painfully obvious and dopey word play from the Turtles here, the worst being Don's "I can't stand it!" -- which I stared at for a couple of minutes, not really believing what I was seeing. Please, let's keep this kind of stuff to an absolute minimum.


24.) Re: the following:

"When he throws the elevator door at them, they duck.  
200. leonardo
Let’s give him the shaft!  "

Oh. My. God.


25.) Re: the following:

"They turn and see Splinter entering.  His fur is still frizzed from the Taser shock.  Leonardo rushes up to him with concern. 
210. leonardo
Master, are you all right? 
211. michaelangelo
He’s just having a bad hair day. 
Splinter raises one finger as he philosophizes.  
212. splinter
It is not the outward appearance that matters, Michaelangelo.  It is what comes from the inside.  
Then, he touches Mikey’s arm with the finger.  ZAP!  Mikey is shocked with a jolt of residual energy.  
213. michaelangelo
Ouch!  You did that on purpose! 
As Mikey scowls and rubs his arm, Serling suppresses a laugh.  Ignoring Mikey’s protests, Splinter turns to Cody."

I really don't like any of this. It's very silly and pointless, and all apparently to continue the "Splinter's frizzy hair" gag (which wasn't all that hilarious to begin with).


26.) Re: the following:

"Inside, the vault is crammed with computer equipment.  Viral Bot sits amidst the gear and welds one of the joints on his broken robot body.  
220. viral
Trapped!  Trapped in this twisted form!  And it’s all because of those cursed Turtles.  "

There is nothing that I can see in this script which even remotely explains why VIral would be or COULD be trapped inside this robot body. Remember, Viral is SOFTWARE -- he (or I guess now she) is a PROGRAM. All Viral needs to get out of this body is some kind of link, hardwired or wireless. More thought is needed. One POSSIBLE explanation could be that SOMETHING that the Turtles do or casue to happen to Viral during the battle causes a snippet of his program to be erased or garbled -- and it's THAT piece of code which allows Viral to jump from one system to another.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #486: August 12, 2005: Re: TMNT Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") Outline and Re: Episode 119 ("Obsolete") 3rd draft

Subj: Re: TMNT Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") Outline
Date: Friday, August 12, 2005 4:28:47 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the ep122 outline.

1.) Re: the following:

"Night. Inside the PENTHOUSE, Mikey hasn t eaten, slept or bathed for days. But it s all about to pay off as he finishes up HAPPY-HAPPY-MEGA-HYPER-HELIX-REWIND-BASH!, the world s most intense hyper-reality video game ever! (He s suspended by an anti-grav harness, complete with night-vision-style goggles, flippers on his feet plus inflatable orange water wings; it s Dance Dance Revolution on steroids) "

Ditch the water wings, please.

2.) Re: the following:

"AT CODY S - In the living room, Mikey tackles Serling.

Mikey:   Quick! Make with the MapQuest! Where s the closest store?
Serling:   Very well. Levellex Mall.
Mikey:   Hurry, Robin! To the Shell-Mobile!

Mikey swings toward the door, then realizes he s still trailing the Helix rig. He grows increasingly frantic as Cody shakes his head."

How does Mikey tackle Serling if he's still hanging by one ankle?

3.) Re: the following:

"Master Splinter:   For once, Michelangelo may be almost correct.
Leonardo:   "Michelangelo may be right?" Wait a sec. My head's going to explode. "

The Leo line sounds a lot more like a Raph line. Also, shouldn't the quotation marks in Leo's line mean that he's quoting -- i.e. repeating exactly -- Splinter's words? And if so, shouldn't he then say "Michelangelo may be almost correct"? In any event, I'd make it a Raph line, and make it read as follows:

"Mikey may be right? Wait a sec. My head' s gonna explode."

4.) Re: the following:

"Raphael:   You ve got a better chance of walking to the moon than guessing what a girl likes, so I m opting out of this little knitting circle. "

This is a pretty goofy line, given that I doubt Raph knows a whole lot about "what girls like". I'd take it out.

5.) Re: the following:

"The guys are wowed by the mall culture, which includes   Mallrats , pale aliens with huge eyes who work, live and sleep at the mall, never venturing out into the sunlight. Leonardo muses about a possible connection to Master Splinter. "

I don't get why Leo would muse that. Seems goofy.

6.) Re: the following:

"As the little aliens hit Serling s   shoulders , a shiny silver   slide -like device suddenly pops out of Serling's   back . (NOTE: this will be incorporated into the   armor design revealed shortly). The little aliens merrily slide down. The ladder retracts, and Serling reacts, horrified."

Hmm... I can't wait for the soda machine that comes out of his knee, and the umbrella that pops out of his head, and so on. I fear that this is leading to something unbearably silly.

7.) Re: the following:

"Serling:   The last time you messed with me, you used me as a blender! To make salsa! I couldn t get the taste of cilantro out of my circuits for weeks! "

Yup, here we go. Why in the name of all that's holy would Cody (or the Turtles, it's unclear which) turn Serling into a BLENDER???!!! This is really, really, REALLY silly.

8.) Re: the following:

"The clerk is ready to spray everyone on line with fire extinguishers   They re coming up from the loading docks! Easy people! I m not afraid to use this! "

Why not old-fashioned selzter bottles? That would make just as much sense and be just as lamely goofy. Remember -- IT's THE FUTURE!!!

9.) Re: the following:

"Mikey s just about to leap over the counter and grab the game when Cody reminds him about ninja honor &It works for three seconds, and Mikey yanks Cody to &"

What game? I thought they were all still on the trucks. And speaking of which -- both Cody and Mikey have NEVER been to this gigantic, enormous, so-confounding-in-its-vastness-that-they-have-to-bring-along-Starlee mall -- so how do they locate the loadiing docks so easily?

10.) Re: the following:

"Mikey takes on Jammerhead himself, but is quickly overpowered by the gang. He calls for help from his bros &but Jammerhead JAMS his wrist gauntlet. Mikey sends Cody for help!"

It's very convenient that Jammerhead ignores Cody -- who arrived on the loadings docks WITH Mikey -- and allows him to go off and warn the other Turtles. Did Jammerhead miss what I assume would be a shout from Mikey to Cody to go get the other Turtles?

11.) Re: the following:

"AT THE LOADING DOCKS, the Street Phantoms manage to keep Michelangelo at bay just long enough for Jammerhead to make off with the still-full truck. "

"At bay"...? I thought Mikey had already been "overpowered by the gang".

12.) Re: the following:

"INSIDE the Rolling Section of the Hovershell, the four Turtles concentrate on closing the gap with the fast-moving delivery truck. "

Something's missing here. When the Turtles left to go to the loading docks, they were described as "bounding off". When did they get back in the Hovershell? And, if they somehow went BACK to the Hovershell to go to the loading docks, why are they in the "rolling section" of it instead of using the whole FLYING Hovershell to intercept the delivery truck? Seems like it would be a heck of a lot faster.

13.) Re: the following:

"INSIDE the Stolen Delivery Truck, Jammerhead uses his HEAD HARDWARE to confuse the mall s security cameras / bots, swapping the Turtles images for his own.

AT THE MALL, the giant vid-screens kick back on. The altered security tape starts to run on continuous loop. The shoppers grow very agitated (especially those in the Happy-Happy-Mega-Hyper-Helix-Rewind-Bash!-2 line). Cody bristles with frustration, wanting to help & but not wanting to leave Starlee. Serling continues to complain about   feeling of &

Okay, getting more confused. Didn't the delivery truck already LEAVE the Mall?, "disappearing into the distance"? Why then are we still AT the mall in this scene? If the idea is that the vid-screens at the mall are going to continue to play Jammerhead's altered video, what does that matter when the chase is going on across town?

14.) Re: the following:

"The guys manage to stop Jammerhead, but when Biggles joins the guys   He tries to detain them! The APB is for four   Turtle-esque aliens and he shows them the   vid-proof. Jammerhead seizes the moment and re-steals the delivery truck.

Michelangelo nearly loses his mind as the Happy-Happy-Mega-Hyper-Helix-Rewind-Bash! 2 games streak away again. In his mania, Mikey gets ahead of his brothers, and steals Biggle s own emergency-craft. He swoops around for his startled brothers, and they re off! "

Is the Hovershell disabled? I don't see anything here to indicate that, thus no particular reason for Mikey to steal Biggles' vehicle.

15.) Re: the following:

"Mikey is so crazy with the Happy-Happy-Mega-Hyper-Helix-Rewind-Bash! Mania, he s about to follow when his brothers stop him but their vehicle is rammed by Biggles, and they teeter on the edge of Chelsea Chasm!! "

Other than for a silly slapstick visual, WHY do they all stop? Seems senseless.

16.) Re: the following:

"Serling reacts to all this, quite confused.
Then Cody gives him a secret command,   GOONGOOLA! (which sounds an awful lot like that baby alien babble). Serling   clicks off, then: (
The robot TRANSFORMS into a SUIT OF TURTLE-INSPIRED BATTLE ARMOR, wearing a HOCKEY MASK!

ACT FOUR:

Cody climbs into the battle armor and takes off from inside the mall. He races across town, leaving Starlee in a state of shock."

While there is an interesting visual idea here -- a robot wearing Casey's hockey mask -- the rest of it is simply preposterous, as I feared from what I saw coming earlier. I mean, think about it -- the effort required to turn Serling from a butler/assistant robot into an exoskeleton-type Transformer-style " SUIT OF TURTLE-INSPIRED BATTLE ARMOR, wearing a HOCKEY MASK" which has the ability to FLY across the city and catch up with the battle would be HUGE, and it's totally unbelievable. If we want to give Cody a " SUIT OF TURTLE-INSPIRED BATTLE ARMOR, wearing a HOCKEY MASK", let's do it another way.

17.) Re: the following:

"Biggles is about to put the Turtles under arrest   Mikey happy to go along as he s got   nothing to live for. - But holo-footage of the incident recorded by Cody s armor clears the Turtles name!"

Mike MIGHT -- if you stretch credulity quite a bit -- be RESIGNED to going along. But he would certainly not be HAPPY to do it.

-- Pete

-------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT Show 122 ("Playtime's Over") Outline
Date: Friday, August 12, 2005 6:30:11 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 8/12/05 5:21:11 PM, Lloyd writes:

"Hey Pete –
 
 Thanks for the notes.
 
 Regarding Cody wearing Serling as a battlesuit, I thought that was something we had already discussed and agreed upon as an idea?  We even sent a rough design to you regarding it.  While you weren’t 100% convinced that you liked our rough sketch (we agreed that once we signed off on an approved model of Serling we would refine how Cody and Serling would work together), the idea of Cody using Serling as his battle armor was approved.
 
 I agree that the other bits with Serling having a little slide for the aliens, or becoming a blender are stupid (and unnecessary), but I’d hate to get rid of the Serling as battlesuit idea because of those extremely expendable bits of business.  Feels like were tossing the baby out with the bath water…
 
 Anyway, that’s my 2 cents.  Let me know how we should proceed.
 
 Have a great weekend!
 
 Lloyd
 
 PS – I also sent everyone a note that Serling should not be able to fly"


Lloyd,


I can't find anything in my emails that would indicate that I approved the concept of Cody using Serling as a robotic suit of armor -- I do, however, have a memory of a cel phone conversation with you in which I expressed my distaste for the idea. I think we talked about (if we had decided to use the more human-proportioned version of Serling -- which, unless I'm hallucinating, is NOT the one we're going to use -- for the regular seen-in-every-episode Serling) having an EARLIER (clunkier, bulkier) version of Serling which Cody could reconfigure in some fashion. (Sorry about that run-on sentence!)


Which might in fact be the way to save this bit, as I do feel pretty strongly that gutting and rewiring/rebuilding the Serling we see in every episode to be this Transformer-Serling is not a good idea. Part of my strong reaction to this idea is that the way I see it, to do what Cody does to this robot would require tearing out so many internal parts that Serling would be rendered far less competent that he is at present, just so Cody could fit inside him. 


     So here's what I am going to suggest: Near the beginning of this tale, one of the Turtles notices that Sterling looks a little... off. He's not as shiny, a little dented in places, with a few seams that he didn't have before... and when he speaks, he sounds significantly slower, duller and less sarcastic. When asked, Cody tells the Turtles that this is an older version of Serling that was "retired" years ago (maybe this model was his guardian when he was a toddler) -- the current Serling is right now in the shop for his yearly diagnostics and computer systems upgrade. Cody could even let a SMALL hint slip when he mentions that he's been fiddling around with this old robot for the last few years, but not give away the scope of the changes he has made.


This way, we can keep the current Serling intact, and simultaneously give Cody this older Serling which COULD have a lot of its internals taken out and the rest reconfigured for the "Transformer" bit.


In addition, we could even play with the humor inherent in Serling's disdain for this earlier version of himself, if the two come into contact in any future episodes.


Also, I can't remember if I mentioned this in my notes, but I think it would be a good idea if Cody was not shown as TOO competent in his first battle using this Serling/Transformer suit of armor.


And I wanted to comment on something I found a little odd in this outline -- there were a number of times when various lines seemed to imply that a lot of time had passed since the Turtles first came to this future NYC. And that is, as far as I have been assuming, NOT the case... that in fact at the time of this episode, it's only been days or at most weeks since they arrived. Am I crazy?


Stay cool!


-- Pete

-------------------------------


Subj: Re: Episode 119 ("Obsolete") 3rd draft
Date: Friday, August 12, 2005 6:28:46 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my two, relatively minor notes on 119 third draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"EXT. TEA SHOP - CONTINUOUS
CONSTABLE BIGGLES – stands beside his CAR as a DEPUTY walks toward him, loaded with TO-GO CUPS.
BIGGLES
First rule of code enforcement. Never start the day without tea! <Whoop!>"

Maybe the third time is the charm -- so IS Biggles a robot now? And if so, what's up with the tea thing?


2.) From my previous notes:


"Re: the following:

"STARLEE
Girls mature faster than boys… especially girls from Omitron with five times the brain capacity."

So does she have a giant head?"

Seriously -- does she have a giant head? Or perhaps a better question would be "five times the brain capacity" of WHAT? If what is being said here that "girls from Omitron" have five times the brain capacity of human boys like Cody, then she WOULD have a head  roughly three to five times as large as a human boy or girl of the same age. I suspect that it not desirable, so maybe a better alternative would be to say "five times the brain density" or "five times the neural connections."


I just realized that the writer may be trying to say that Starlee's girl brain has the CAPACITY to do five times as much mental work as a boy, but it doesn't read that way, at least to me.


It might be too goofy, but it might also be funny if we left it as is and then had Mikey make a comment on it, something Mikey-ish like "Uh... but doesn't that mean your head should be, like, this big?" (And he can hold his hands up about a foot from each side of his head.) Then Don could roll his eyes and say "She means the capacity to do mental work, Mikey." And Raph could follow that up with a sarcastic "Yeah... and by THAT standard of measurement, Mikey, your head should be about THIS big". (Raph indicates the size of an orange.)


-- Pete

Ask PL #8

I was trying to respond to a question on my last "Ask PL", but for some odd reason, the system refused to allow me to post it. I tried several times, with no success. Then I started wondering if there is a limit to the number of comments per post, and given that there are 205 of them as of right now (7PM on March 2, 2012), maybe we've exceeded that limit.

I don't know. But I am going to start a new "Ask PL" here, in case anyone has any other questions. -- PL

Blast from the Past #485: August 11, 2005: Re: #119 ("Obsolete") Second Draft

Subj: Re: #119 ("Obsolete") Second Draft
Date: Thursday, August 11, 2005 2:41:49 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


notes on 119 second draft

I think this draft is significantly better than the first, though I do have a few comments.

1.) Re: the following:

"CODY turns the machine ON. THE TIME WINDOW <CRACKLES> with energy. SPARKS and KIRBY DOTS flicker everywhere. All of the TURTLES gather in front of the machine with Splinter as the machine s <WHINE> builds to a crescendo & And <BELCHES> THICK BLACK SMOKE all over them. SPARKS <ZAP> MIKEY, and when all is said and done &
THE TURTLES are no closer to home, covered in BLACK SOOT, eyes blinking. They inspect one another, bummed, except for Mikey.
MICHELANGELO
Did he send us to Jersey, maybe?"

I'm afraid this "covered in black soot" bit crosses the line for me. I'm sure we can be funny here without this sort of silly slapstick.

2.) Re: the following:

"Mikey slides a PLATE OF FOOD in front of Cody.
MIKEY
And we have traditional twentieth century chow, sort of. Dig in, genius!
THE FOOD is unidentifiable. Serling pushes it aside."

I don't get the joke here.

3.) Re: the following:

"DON AND RAPH each eye their plates of Mikey s food, discreetly DUMPING them in a nearby plant, which HYPER-EVOLVES."

I really don't get this one. How does food that Mikey prepared make a plant "hyper-evolve"? And what does "hyper-evolve" mean? This seems like a somewhat pointless non sequitur.

4.) Re: the following:

"CODY
I never have any reason to leave & I have compu-tutors and a Robo-pilates unit. I download all the media feeds. Serling takes care of everything else."

I question the use of the phrase "Robo-pilates". I think a more generic phrase -- i.e. "robo-exercise" --would be preferable.

5.) Re: the following:

"CONSTABLE BIGGLES   stands beside his CAR as a DEPUTY walks toward him, loaded with TO-GO CUPS.
BIGGLES
First rule of code enforcement. Never start the day without tea!/<Whoop!>
Suddenly, the HOVERSHELL <WHIZZES> by, so close that its wash <SPLASHES> them both with TEA! Beat."

As I pointed out in my last comments, as Biggles is now a robot, tea drinking would seem to be somewhat unlikely as a habit for him. It might be funny to do a variant on the old "robot drinking oil" gag instead -- have him start the day with a hot, steaming cup of "synthetic microbead polymeric lubricant". OR... if it made sense, have Biggles do things like drink tea -- even if it doesn't really DO anything for him (he just collects it in some internal catch basin and later drains it out) -- because he wants to appear to be more human. This could lead to other gags of this sort in future episodes. In this case, it might be a good idea for the Deputy who is giving him the tea to give him a "what the heck is a robot drinking TEA for?" kind of look, or maybe even make a comment on it.

6.) Re: the following:

"DON struggles with the wheel as Cody yells to him.
CODY
Right Pedal! The other RIGHT!"

Not only is "The other right!" a very overused gag of late, it's really silly here, as for it to be even REMOTELY funny, you have to buy the idea that brainiacs Don and/or Cody either don't know their left feet from their right, or they don't know how to describe a left foot as something other than "your other right". I know it's a small point, but I feel compelled to point it out as it is a good example of the kind of "comedy" writing I think we should try to steer clear of -- a kind of formulaic "Haven't had a joke in ten seconds -- plug in Standard Gag #47!"

7.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Nah &Usually, Tuesday's our day off! ( (getting serious) You wanna call this off?"

The use of "off" as the last word in these two consecutive lines is a bit awkward.

8.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
A little young to be working with such serious, aren t you?"

Seems like there is a word or two missing from this line after "serious".

9.) Re: the following:

"STARLEE
Girls mature faster than boys & especially girls from Omitron with five times the brain capacity."

So does she have a giant head?

10.) Re: the following:

"STARLEE
This is a Transcendental Lathe. It takes the user s mental anagrams and translates them into executable commands. Then the mechs go to work.
ALL THE TURTLES look deadpan at DON. He <sighs>.
DONATELLO
It turns your thoughts into stuff."

I think "engrams", not "anagrams", should be used here. Also, I think Leo would be able to follow Starlee's description -- maybe it would be better if just Raph and Mikey looked at each other with a "Huh?" expression.

11.) Re: the following:

"STARLEE
No, you have a transcendental Lathe &and me. How fast can you think of ways to kick bird heads?"

Would that line work better with "bird brains" instead of "bird heads"?

12.) Re: the following:

"CODY
Oh, yeah?
Suddenly, an <ALARM KLAXON> sounds from O.S. The GUNJIN LEADER runs back to his comrades.
CODY
Watch the skies. Honor' s coming right down your throat!"

Cody's lines seem inappropriate here, not least because there's no way for him to know WHAT the alarm means. And "Honor' s coming right down your throat!" has a really nasty sound to it.

13.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
The roof! Raph, cut us a path!"

I think using the word "cut" in the context of what actually happens here is off a bit. Perhaps Leo could just say "Raph, we need a path!"

14.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO looks over the edge in panic, and reaches out before being GRABBED BACK by the GUNJIN LEADER.
MICHELANGELO
Cody!/<Yurk!>"

As I pointed out in my last comments, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me that the Gunjin -- who had just been doing his level best to kill the Turtles -- would SAVE Mikey by pulling him back from the edge. I think it would work better if he PUSHED Mikey out, and then Raph can save both Mikey AND Cody for an even more dramatic scene.
But at the very least, the Gunjin should not save Mikey.

15.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
What do they do? WHAT DO THEY DO?!
MIKEY leaps up, grabs the CHUCKS, and gives them a <FAST WHIRL>. With each spin, they throw out <LASER BURSTS>.
One of which NAILS SERLING in the head. His EYE BREAKS, <SPARKING>!
SERLING
(sourly)
They cause robots to go half blind. What a useful feature! Idiot."

Given that I'm PRETTY sure we don't want Mike's 'chuks to shoot lasers whenever they spin around (??!!), I think we need to reconfigure this gag. Perhaps Mike is just so glad to have ANY kind of 'chuk in his hands that he lets fly with a quick series of wild 'chuk moves -- which end with one of the 'chuks CLONKING Serling in the head/face/eye.

-- Pete