Blast from the Past #383: Feb. 23, 2004: comments on second draft of Ep. 66 "The Darkness Within"

Feb. 23, 2004: comments on second draft of Ep. 66 "The Darkness Within"

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the second draft of Ep. 66 script "The Darkness Within". I just noticed when I went online a few minutes ago (7PM Thursday) that there was a new file called Ep. 66 Final Draft... I obviously haven't read that one yet, but I am going to send this email anyway. 

1.) Re: the following:

"4. LEONARDO (V.O.)(CONT’D)

Some fears can be friends who fights by your side, making your reflexes sharper "

I think "fights" should be "fight".

2.) Re: the following:

"15. LEONARDO

What is it?

16. ANGEL

No time now …  I’ll explain on the way!

CUT TO:

EXT. WAREHOUSE

WIDE ON – There is a [BEAT] then suddenly the BattleShell <SCREECHES> out of the warehouse, fishtailing as it <SKIDS> through a turn."

A minor point, but... as much as the Turtles like Angel, I seriously doubt they would drop everything and rush out into public (or at least in the BattleShell) just because Angel says to, saying that she'll "explain on the way". I think it would work better if her last line there is something like "Trouble... BIG trouble --!"... and then in the next scene inside the Battleshell as it roars out of the warehouse, we come in halfway through her explanation of her brother's disappearance. 

3.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON – Michelangelo takes a closer look at the coin.

25. MICHELANGELO

It’s dated 1611.  Hey, your brother found buried treasure.  You guys are gonna be rich!

CLOSE ON – Angel twirls her finger in the air in mock celebration.

26. ANGEL

(lackluster) Whoop-di-do.  My bro said there were plenty more where this came from and he went back to get them …  That was three days ago.  Since then, nothing!"

How odd. I get that Angel is more concerned about her brother than about gold coins, but given that she is (at least in my understanding of her character) a lower-income street kid, her "lackluster" attitude towards the possibility of stumbling upon great wealth seems totally out of character.

4.) Re: the following:

"27. LEONARDO

What did the police say?

28. ANGEL

They said they were too busy dealing with the fallout from the invasion to look for some punk on a treasure hunt."

Something about this doesn't ring true, depending on whether or not Angel showed the police the gold coin (and the "treasure hunt" remark seems to imply that she did). I find it hard to believe that Angel could go to the cops and describe the situation -- "my brother was part of a construction crew working on Wall Street, and he found a bunch of old gold coins -- and here's one of them -- and now he's disappeared" -- and not generate SOME kind of interest on the part of the cops. I would think that at the very least, they would suspect it was some kind of looting, which they would certainly frown upon and look into.

I think it might be just as -- if not more so -- believable that Angel didn't even go to the police, instead heading right to the Turtles, given that -- as a former gang member -- I doubt she has a lot of faith or trust IN the police.

It also just occurred to me that it would probably make sense that Angel -- tough and self-sufficient kid that she is -- would have at least gone to check out the construction site on Wall Street, to see if she could find her brother, and maybe have only gotten as far as the front door before getting spooked by its creepy nature... and THEN seeking out help from the Turtles.

5.) Why the change to "Volpeheart"? Is there some meaning there? 

In my last notes I suggested that we do an anagram of "Lovecraft" for the name of the building and the guy who built it. I couldn't find a program to do this for me, but I played around with pen and paper a little, and came up with the following (with the word "Von" before them to get that old Dutch feeling, of course):

-- Von Flocravet

-- Von Orfclavet

-- Von Croftvale

-- Von Creftvoal

-- Von Voctrefal

-- Von Floctrave

-- Von Floctaver

-- Von Volctrafe

-- Von Fractolve

-- Von Revolfact

-- Von Ravelfoct

-- Von Rovalfect

-- Von Rofalvect

-- Von Refalvoct

-- Von Fearclovt

-- Von Fearcvolt

-- Von Varocleft

-- Von Varecloft

-- Von Farvoclet

Any of those do anything for you? I'm sure there are more possibilities.

6.) Re: the following:

"FOLLOW – Michelangelo somersaults, then grabs onto the ledge, his arms wrapping around a grotesque gargoyle water spout.

CLOSE SIDE ON – Michelangelo is face to face with the gargoyle.

34. MICHELANGELO

(calls down) Hey, Raph.  I think I’ve found you a girlfriend."

Instead of the lame "girlfriend" jab, how about instead something like:

"CLOSE SIDE ON – Michelangelo is face to face with the gargoyle. He gives it an appraising look.

34. MICHELANGELO

Hmmm... you and my brother Raph -- separated at birth!"

7.) Re: the following:

"68. ANGEL

Direct with no delayin’ yo!  What the?!"

"What the" indeed! What the heck does "Direct with no delayin'" mean, if anything?

8.) Re: the following:

"74. DONATELLO

Who are you?!  What were those things down there?!  Can they be real?!"

The "Can they be real?!" question from Don puzzles me -- it doesn't sound much like something he'd say, especially since he had just witnessed their reality with his own senses while fighting them. I'd eliminate that line.

9.) Re: the following:

"75. OLD MAN

Silence!  You brainless idiots lost your right to ask questions the moment you entered this building!  If you wish to know more, follow me."

What a strange pair of lines. First the old guy says they lost the right to ask questions the moment they entered the building... but then his very next line has him telling them if they want to ask questions (i.e. "know more") they have to follow him!

10.) Re: the following:

"DOWN ON – The familiar island of Manhattan surrounded by the bay, only instead of New York, there’s a thick green forest.

86. OLD MAN (V.O.)

At the turn of the last millennium, there came to Earth a massive meteorite "

Hmm... "massive"? My idea of a "massive" meteorite would be one that would wipe out the dinosaurs. And this one is small enough so that it can be contained within a building. Maybe another word instead of "massive"... perhaps "strange"? Or maybe the old man could say "At the turn of the last millenia" -- no, wait, that just seems way too complicated a way to say "a thousand years ago". So how about this: "One thousand years ago, a strange stone fell from the Heavens... and brought with it a bit of Hell." Can we say Hell?

11.) Re: the following:

"107. ANGEL

A’ight.  You can count on me."

Uk... one of most loathed bits of current slang -- "A'ight" for "All right". Bleh. Let's lose it.

12.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON - One by one the turtles wave to Angel as they slip through the gap in the door."

"The Turtles WAVE..."? Uh... WHY?

13.) Re: the following:

"O.T.S. - The turtles enter a huge domed cavern, the size of a covered sports stadium, it’s walls and ceiling made up of individual stone cells, like a pomegranate.

110. DONATELLO

This thing must take up a whole city block!

CLOSE ON – Leonardo investigates the front wall of one of the cells.

111. LEONARDO

What are these?  Back up a bit.

WIDER – Leonardo <SLASHES> the cell wall with his katana, as bones and printed papers <SPILL> out.

CLOSE ON – Donatello picks up one of the pieces of paper.

112. DONATELLO

This is a civil war bond!  This guy must be a hundred-and-fifty years old!"

A couple of things here... first, are these "cells" sealed with something other than stone? I ask this because if it IS stone, Leo shouldn't be able to "slash" them open. Maybe they are sealed with some kind of weird congealed slime or something.

And, not to be too picky, but isn't Don making a pretty big leap of logic? Just because this skeleton is sealed up in the same cell with a Civil War-era bond doesn't necessarily mean that they came from the same time. I think something needs to be added here, if only  where Don says something like "This guy COULD be a hundred-and-fifty years old!" Or maybe he shouldn't say anything -- I mean, we already know (from the old man's story) that this thing has been operating here for hundreds and hundreds of years.

14.) Re: the following:

"115. RAPHAEL

Come on guys, we’ve fought Triceraton attack ships off the shoulder of Orion.  How bad can a little concentrated evil be?"

Cute "Blade Runner" reference there with the "off the shoulder of Orion", but really not appropriate. I suggest something a little different, like "We've fought Triceratons, underground mutants, even the Shredder himself. How bad can a little concentrated evil be?"

15.) Re: the following:

"WIDE DOWN ON – The turtles stand in a circle facing outwards, ready to meet the tentacles, which encroach, ever closer.

118. LEONARDO

There’s no way we can take it one on one."

Not only is this a weirdly defeatist line from Leo, does it really make any sense at all? What exactly is he saying when he says "Take it one on one"? That each Turtle should attack one at a time? Or that all the Turtles should attack each tentacle simultaneously? I would suggest that neither Leo's line or Raphael's line which follows is really needed.

16.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – A tentacle <LASHES> out at Michelangelo, quickly wrapping itself around him and begins to drag him.

120. DONATELLO

Mikey!

WIDER – Raphael, Donatello and Leonardo grab Michelangelo and begin to pull, but the tentacle yanks him free, dragging him into the mass of tentacles which cover him."

Poor, nearly slapstick action staging here -- why would ALL three other Turtles just grab Mike and pull? Why doesn't Raph try to stab the tentacle and/or Leo try to sever it with his swords, while Don grabs and pulls on Mikey?

17.) Re: the following:

"144. LEONARDO (CONT’D)

I took it’s offer!"

This is just one of about half a dozen improper spelling of the possessive form of "it" in this script.

18.) Would Don's "bad dream" work better if it featured April instead of Angel?

19.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON – Leonardo pulls out his ShellCell and turns to Donatello.

172. LEONARDO

Donny, is it possible to pick up a signal that’s being transmitted from inside here, then connect to it.

173. DONATELLO

Sure.  No problem.

CLOSE ON – Donatello takes the ShellCell and <PUNCHES> a few buttons on it.

174. DONATELLO (CONT’D)

Got it.  I’ll just echo it back.

PUSH IN ON – One of the cells as it emits an <O.C. CELL PHONE RING>."

Far be it from me to question the use of high tech gadgets, but this seems a bit off. First, why is it Leo making the suggestion, instead of Don? Second, I looked back through the script and could not find any reference to Angel's brother having a cel phone, nor any reference to Angel saying anything about him having a cel phone -- so how does Leo make this leap of logic? Third, IF they knew Angel's brother had a cel phone on him, why wouldn't they have immediately thought of this idea when they entered the "chamber of cells" instead of fussing about how many cells there were and how hard it was going to be to find Angel's brother in all of them?

My suggestion would be to have Angel mention the cel phone earlier, then in the first "chamber of cells" scene, have Don suggest that the first thing they should do is try to call Angel's brother's cel phone number (which, during their trip to the building in the BattleShell, Don would have gotten from Angel and programmed into his ShellCel) -- but  ALSO have him give the caveat that this MIGHT not work if (a) the phone isn't turned on, and (b) if its battery has run down. But BEFORE he can put this plan into action, they are attacked by the tentacles, etc. THEN after they are all freed, Leo can tell Don to try the cel phone thing, and try it QUICK! Of course, it works, and the cel phone rings and they find Angel's brother.

And here's another question -- do we really want Angel's brother to know about the Turtles? I think it would be just as easy for him to be unconscious when they rescue him, and one of the Turtles can carry him out.

20.) Re: the following:

"181. ANGEL

Are you alright?"

"Alright" is not a word.

21.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Leonardo antics back, then freezes.

186. CREATURE (O.C.)

Stop!  I sense your power …  You are strong …  But I can give you more …  People will bow before you …  You will be a king …

187. LEONARDO

Sorry, not interested."

I find this bit with the Creature speaking to Leo to be very goofy. And unnecessary.

22.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Leonardo sees the meteorite and next to it, the crystal tipped spear.  He grabs the spear and turns."

Convenient that the spear appears AT THAT MOMENT. And how nice that the creature keeps the one weapon that can destroy it RIGHT NEXT TO ITSELF! Poor plotting. I mean, if the creature had that kind of easy access to the spear, wouldn't it have destroyed it long ago... or at least BURIED it under tons of rock or sealed it up in layer upon layer of hardened slime?

Here's my suggestion: Let's give the Old Man a heroic moment of true redemption. I'm inspired to think of this by the line he says to Angel a few pages back, referring to the Turtles:

"182. OLD MAN

Your friends are battling the creature, their bravery is astonishing."

The incredible bravery and self-sacrifice of the Turtles stirs something in his withered soul that has lain dormant for longer than he can remember. This is when he is able to finally shake off -- at least for this critical moment -- the hold the creature has had upon him all these years... and he then goes to a secret panel or vault or some clever hiding place and gets... the spear! (Maybe it would be even cooler if the spear is actually disguised as part of a pole lamp or curtain rod or something.) Then, in one last moment of courage, he goes into the labyrinth where the Turtles are desperately fighting for their lives and uses the spear against the meteorite. (He could either leap at the meteorite with the spear -- and be annihilated right then -- OR throw the spear at the meteorite and then fall into dust shortly thereafter.

23.) It just occurred to me that it might be fun to make a reference earlier in the script, when the Turtles pull up at the building in the Battleshell, that this is one of the place in the city where the BattleShell might "fit in" -- as Wall Street is no stranger to the presence of armored cars.

24.) Re: the following:

"The BattleShell passes by a STOCK BROKER, then a telephone booth, then <DRIVES> out of frame.

PUSH IN ON – The telephone in the booth is <RINGING and RINGING>.  The Stock Broker steps into the booth, looks curiously at the phone, then picks up the receiver.

199. STOCK BROKER

Hello?  Hello?

200. CREATURE (O.C.)

(via telephone)

I have waited for you …  Now you have come to me …  I will give you anything …  I will give you the world!

CLOSE ON - The Stock Broker closes his eyes for a [BEAT] …  then opens them to reveal they are now fiery red, with black slits for pupils as he starts to <LAUGH>."

I have to say that while I like the creepiness of this scene, it really doesn't make ANY sense whatsoever, given the backstory of meteorite/creature/spear we have laid out, and completely guts the Turtles' -- and the Old Man's -- victory over the creature. Also, we have not set up in ANY way that this creature uses the telephone to suck greedy people in.

Here's an alternative that might make a little more sense, and not only preserve most of the creepiness of the "twist" ending, but also most of our heroes' victory over the evil of the creature:

Start back at the final scene where the old man throws the spear at the meteorite. I suggest that the meteorite should shatter into many pieces... ONE of which lands at Don's feet. Don -- innately curious -- picks it up and carries it out of the building with him. He either discards it outside the building OR (perhaps better) as they take off in the Battleshell, Raph or Mike notice he has the fragment, and, disgusted/creeped out by it, Raph or Mike grabs the chunk and throws it out of the BattleShell's window.

Then, either (a) the fragment bounces to a stop on the sidewalk or (b) hits the STOCK BROKER (in a nonfatal place, of course). The Stock Broker picks it up, curious... and we see a tiny TENTACLE snake out of the meteorite fragment and STAB the Stock Broker's hand with one of its spines as we hear its whispery seductive voice... then we pan up to the Stock Broker's face to show the scary RED EYES!!!

Blast from the Past #382: Feb. 23, 2004: comments on first draft of Ep. 68

Feb. 23, 2004: comments on first draft of Ep. 68 

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 68 first draft script. 

1.) Re: the following:

"We PAN TO SEE the OPPOSITE DIRECTION where MARS, JUPITER, SATURN, URANUS, NEPTUNE, and PLUTO also move into alignment … then behind it, we see a huge SUPER NOVA in an almost BLINDING FLASH …

2. HIGH MAGE (ENTITY)(VO CONT’D)

… in conjunction with the super nova of a gas giant at the edge of the Milky Way."

What is up with this "super nova" thing? How in HECK is a supernova "at the edge of the Milky Way" supposed to have ANY effect on Earth? Goofy. Let's try not to get TOO silly. It's enough that we are stretching reality to accommodate the idea that the planetary alignment is going to cause significant changes on Earth -- we don't need a flare from a GIGANTICALLY distant supernova lighting up our planets and activating the crystals.

2.) Re: the following:

"9. DONATELLO (CONT)

Hey, what happened to Earth?

ANGLE ON MICHELANGELO – stuffing a DONUT in his mouth next to RAPHAEL, LEONARDO.

10. MICHELANGELO

(innocently, mouth full)

I think I just ate it."

I appreciate the fact that my doughnut gag idea is being used, but I think it would be even funnier if the gag is nearly purely visual, i.e. after Don says "Hey, what happened to Earth", the next shot is Mikey either stuffing the donut in his mouth or chewing with some crumbs around his mouth... and then he just gives an innocent/clueless look and maybe just says "What...?"

3.) Re: the following:

"12. LEONARDO

But, why is this having such an affect upon the Earth?

13. DONATELLO

It shouldn’t be.  It happens all the time."

First, I think that should be "effect", not "affect". And second, I'm a little confused -- the way Leo asks the question and the way Don answers it implies that there HAVE been effects... but the following scene implies that the effects start AFTER they have that little exchange. Perhaps it should be changed as follows:

"12. LEONARDO

But does this have any affect upon the Earth?

13. DONATELLO

It shouldn't."

Actually, after I just wrote that, I decided that I should do a little research into planetary alignments, and discovered that apparently the planets NEVER line up in the way it's described in this script (see this site: http://www.griffithobs.org/SkyAlignments.html), i.e. all in one straight line.

4.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles walk cautiously, keeping to the shadows as they pass a DOOR which startlingly opens – a Y’LYNTIAN emerging."

What does a doorway look like when it opens "startlingly"?

5.) Re: the following:

"65. MICHELANGELO

Yeah, I’m not into catching what the lava boys are pitching! "

Is this some bizarre gay reference?

6.) Re: the following:

"A CRYSTAL TORCH is mounted against the wall beyond the bars.  Suddenly Mikey’s nunchaku are FLUNG at it, one handle tied to a rope made of blue, purple, orange, and red ninja belts."

Colored "ninja belts"? Is this meant to refer to their masks? Their belts are all brown.

7.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE THROUGH THE BARS – as Raphael reels in the belts, pulling the torch to himself.

92. RAPHAEL

Got it!  Now stand back!

NEW ANGLE ON THE TURTLES as Raphael, now with the torch in hand, swings it mightily at the bars, the crystal SLASHING through them in a spray of sparks."

What the -- ?! Since when did the crystals have this metal cutting nature? And how would Raph KNOW they did?

8.) I'm not sure I'm loving this thing of Y'Lyntias rising causing the sea level to rise to the point where NYC is "completely flooded". That seems WAY beyond logic to me, as to have that effect the landmass would have to be HUGE. Not to mention the fact that if the city is "completely flooded", what happens to the Turtles' lair, April's shop, etc.?

9.) Two questions -- what happened to the Turtle Tunneler, and did everyone in Y'Lyntias (besides Versalia) perish when it sank beneath the lava at the end?

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #381: Feb. 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 67 first draft "Mission of Gravity" script

Feb. 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 67 first draft "Mission of Gravity" script

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my notes on Ep. 67 "Mission of Gravity" first draft script:

1.) Re: the following:

"WIDEN FURTHER TO REVEAL - The Domebot is, in fact hovering beside the asteroid "cone" below the city of BEIJING, which hovers high in the upper atmosphere."

The visual for "flying Beijing" should, I think, not be exactly like the Triceraton asteroid ships, which as originally conceived back in the old Mirage comic days were actually irregularly shaped asteroids, chunks of rock found floating in space -- which the Triceratons has adapted and shaped to fit their needs. I think it would be cooler and make more sense if flying Beijing is more or less spherical (as opposed to conical) in shape, with the idea being that the force field which protects it and keeps the atmosphere in was also part of the mechanism by which Beijing was cut out of the Earth's surface. My vision of force fields of this type is that they are generally spherical in nature, as they originate from a central point (the force field projector) and propagate outwards to equal distances in all directions, until the force field reaches its desired or maximum range -- and the result is a sphere shape. I think it would be visually cool as well.

2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER TO REVEAL - The "cloud" of figures is, in fact, SILVER SENTRY, ANANDA and METALHEAD, leading an army of flying DOMEOIDS for an all-out assault on the atmospheric shield.  Ananda and Metalhead are each carried by a pair of Domeoids (unless we want to give them cooler-looking Dome-like jet exoframes).  They all <POUND> relentlessly against the shield (Metalhead with his morphing metal hair), but are unable to penetrate it."

Playmates Toys is planning to release its beautifully sculpted Silver Sentry figure with a couple of accessories -- I believe they are a sort of "mystic energy shield and staff". (Gary could probably fax you the Playmates drawing of these items if you haven't already seen them.) These accessories obviously have nothing to do with what we have seen of the Silver Sentry so far on the show, but in discussions with Playmates I felt it was POSSIBLE that the Silver Sentry (whose abilities we have not fully explored or explained) MIGHT have the ability to form these kinds of weapons/tools via mental or mystic powers, or pluck them from a "holding place" in another dimension, etc.. If it would make sense to have him do this in the show, and try to use the  energy shield and/or staff against the force field protecting Beijing, maybe we should, as it might be more visually interesting than just having him (as well as everybody else in this scene) just bashing his fists on the force shield.

It also just occurred to me that it might be cool to have Dr. Dome send at least a few of his Domeoids on a kind of desperate suicide run at the force field, sacrificing some of them in an effort to get through the shield -- could be a cool visual to see a few of the Domeoids being blown apart and their bits and pieces falling towards Earth.

3.) Re: the following:

"7. DR. DOME

Dome to Tech Team!  We can't hold it!  Get the Antigrav field back online!  Now!

EXT. TIANANMEN SQUARE - PLUMMETING - SAME TIME

A valiant Scientist clings to the Antigrav Generator, reaching for the controls as all around him is in freefall.

CLOSE ON HIS HAND - pushing in a control button.  We hear the sound of the Antigrav Generator <POWERING UP>."

This is a very exciting sequence, but I feel the need to put on my science nerd helmet and point out a few things that we might want to consider. First is -- how high up are they at this point? Because if they are in the atmosphere -- even if they are in the upper atmosphere -- they would still be affected by Earth's gravity, and would not "float up in the air" when the antigravity generator is turned off. I think Beijing would need to be in Earth orbit (essentially, in space) for this effect to happen. And if they ARE up that high, the dissipation of the force field and the subsequent nearly instantaneous loss of atmosphere within it would, I believe, cause explosive decompression (very messy for living creatures).

Also, story-wise, it makes the later climactic plunge towards Earth of the crippled flying Beijing a bit redundant -- like "Haven't we already seen this?"

With those things in mind, I would like to suggest an alternative with a few changes: Let's say that flying Beijing is high up but still within our atmosphere (allowing all the Justice Force members to do their thing without dying from lack of oxygen or freezing to death (though it might be cool if they need SOME extra oxygen, and thus wear some kind of little breather thingies). Keep everything the same up to and including these lines:

"CLOSE ON A SCIENTIST - carefully working a series of controls.  We hear the sound of the Generator <POWERING DOWN>.   

WIDER - Everyone looks alarmed as there is a SUDDEN LURCH."

But instead of Beijing FALLING while everybody floats up, I suggest that Beijing starts RISING! What has happened is not that the antigrav effect has been turned off, but INCREASED, to the end result that Beijing is being forced AWAY from the nearest large gravity-producing object (in this case, the Earth). Now, with this change, it would make more sense (at least to me!) that things that aren't tied down on the surface of Beijing might start "floating" and rising into the air, as a side effect of the increased antigravity force. (Actually, it doesn't make MUCH sense... but I'd be willing to let it slide as an "transient unknown side-effect of the unauthorized and uninformed manipulation of an alien anti-gravity device".))

Also, if we keep the idea that the force field shuts down at the same time, it could be extra exciting because as Beijing starts to rise higher in the atmosphere without the force field, its internal breathable atmosphere would start to bleed away, and if Beijing keeps rising into space... well, it's game over. (The obvious problem with that is this: if much of the breathable air is blown out, how does it get replaced once the force field is reestablished? You could say that not enough air gets lost to harm everyone still in Beijing, AND that it increases the sense of urgency for our heroes to get Beijing back down to Earth, just because now the people in Beijing have that many hours FEWER of breathable air. On the other hand... would it make any sense for the Triceratons to have designed this system to be totally closed off, and not build it in a way for the force field to regularly admit new breathable air, just so as to keep alive whatever living "slaves" that were trapped within?)

Anyway, our Justice Force heroes are now faced with having to try to catch up with the rapidly ascending flying city (and I have to say at this point, that bit with them all flying underneath the city to try to hold it up was just WAY too silly), and they soon realize that they are close to exceeding their own limits (no air! cold space!). The frantic efforts to reestablish the former settings of the antigrav generator could proceed more or less as written, though I had a suggestion that instead of the Chinese scientist just reaching out with his hand to punch a button, it might be cooler like this: The scientist has a laptop computer connected in a jury-rigged way to the antigrav generator, and it is through this computer that the "shutdown" command was given. When the gravity shifts and everything starts to go haywire, the computer is still connected, via perhaps one thick cable or group of cables, to the antigrav generator. The scientist keeps a grip on the computer, and desperately types in commands to try to reset the antigrav generator... and all the while the stress on that connecting cable is starting to wiggle the connector loose... very tense situation until the final command is typed in and the generator is reset.

4.) Re: the following:

"10. CHAPLIN

Believe me, Boss Man, you're gonna dig it big time."

Chaplin referring to Oroku Saki as "Boss Man" seems pretty flip and familiar. I think he would more likey call him "Sir".

5.) Re: the following:

"20. KARAI

But Master… what of the millions of innocents that will perish when Beijing comes crashing to Earth?

SAKI - glares at Karai.

21. SAKI

They are of little concern to me."

I'm wondering if Saki's repsonse might be cooler if he says something like:

"If they perish, it is their karma which makes it so... and it is of little concern to me."

6.) Re: the following:

"25. RAPHAEL 

Here it is, just like I told ya. Another one a' Shredder's alien tech garbage picking goon squads.

26. DONATELLO

What do you think he's collecting all this stuff for?"

As it is pretty doubtful that Don would think any of the other Turtles would/could have figured it out before HE does, I think Don would more likely put that thought in this way:

"I wonder what he's collecting all this stuff for?"

7.) Re: the following:

"52. CHAPLIN

Hey, Stock-Man.  I just want to say I think the Shred-Man's been giving you a bum ride.  He should be honored just to be in the presence of the legendary Baxter Stockman.  

(beat, looking at Stockman)

Even if you are a freakish, brain-in-a-jar shadow of your former greatness."

Much like my earlier comment about Chaplin referring to Saki ad "Boss Man", what is UP with "Stock-Man" and "Shred-Man" and the "freakish, brain-in-a-jar" stuff? Has this Chaplin dude had a personality transplant since the last time we saw him? When did he become so... so... SNARKY? (See also lines 63 and 125.)

8.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN - grabs a piece of equipment (a crash helmet maybe?) and <CRUSHES> it between his robotic hands.

57. STOCKMAN

All the better to crush, er… collaborate with you, Dr. Chaplin.

CHAPLIN - pats Stockman's robotic body on the back <KLUNK!>.

58. CHAPLIN

I figured you'll need it to survive the big mission. 

FAVOR STOCKMAN - He gently caresses the instrument panel at the helm like a beloved pet, playing it up for Chaplin.

59. STOCKMAN

Ah yes, the mission.  Pity you'll miss out on the maiden voyage of this incredible vessel you designed and built with your own two hands.

FAVOR CHAPLIN - as Stockman sidles up close to him, tantalizing him, reeling him in like a pro.

60. STOCKMAN (CONT'D)

Nor will you get to study incredible antigravity technology, not to mention witness firsthand as an entire city crashes down from the stratosphere.

Stockman <SMACKS> robotic hand down on an instrument panel to illustrate.  Chaplin's mouth is practically watering."

It might work better if, instead of Stockman crushing the piece of equipment just before line 57, he instead holds on to it, perhaps rolling it around in his hands as if he is testing the dexterity of the robot body's fingers, and then when he says the line about "an entire city crashing down from the stratosphere", he uses that piece of equipment to demonstrate the "crash" effect (perhaps holding it in one hand while smashing his other hand into it).

9.) Re: the following:

"74. KARAI

Is this not the robot who sacrificed himself to end the alien invasion?"

Question: Would Karai more likely say "Is this not the robot which sacrificed itself to end the alien invasion?"

10.) Re: the following:

"79. DONATELLO

So you were the one making those calls.  Your memory core must have downloaded into my palmtop.     

ON DON'S PALMTOP - as data rapid scrolls past the Fugitoid.

80. FUGITOID

Well, most of it.  Your hard drive doesn't have the same capacity as my old robotic body, so I'm afraid I had to forgo some nonessential information. "

I wonder if it might be cool if in addition to Honeycutt explaining that Don's hard drive is too small, he (Honeycutt) also did -- and refers to in this scene -- one or both of the following:

-- used experimental compression algorithms to shrink the size of some of his memory files down, and/or

-- distributed via the Internet (peer-to-peer file sharing?) some of the less essential parts of his memory, with the intention that at some point in the future he would go online and try to track them down and rejoin them to his memory core. It might be fun (or not) to  do something with this in a later episode -- i.e. somehow those pieces come together (perhaps with the aid of a hacker) and create an incomplete, perhaps evil "Dark Fugitoid". Maybe even hook up with Nano and create the NanoToid!

11.) I'm not sure how or if it would be advisable to put this into the mix, but it might be fun to play with the "all the Turtles look alike" thing when we are showing how the Fugitoid doesn't have all of his memory.

12.) Re: the following:

"89. FUGITOID (V.O. FROM PALMTOP)

Oh.  Well, in any event, with my knowledge of Triceraton technology, I could easily assume control of the Antigrav Generator and gently lower the city of Beijing back to its original resting place."

Should Honeycutt speak in such blase terms of his ability to do this thing -- especially as later (in line 123) he says "Oh dear, I hope can still remember all my Triceraton Antigravity Physics"? I think it might be better if he suggests that he MIGHT be able to do it (maybe even rattle off, Spock-like, some percentages or probabilities of success), and Karai and the Turtles ruefully acknowledge that that's not only better than nothing, it's the best idea that they've heard (or been able to come up with) so far.

13.) Given that the Turtles are cooped up in that crate for quite a while, would it be funny if we did a "I have to pee!" gag? Perhaps Mikey could be the bladder-challenged individual, with the other Turtles giving him variations of the old "You should have gone at home!" and "You shouldn't have had that last super-sized soda!" lines. Maybe there could even be an oblique reference to the ancient ninja techniques for dealing with this situation that Splinter taught them, and Mike could complain that he was never really much good at those lessons. Or maybe that kind of joke is too infantile.

14.) Re: the following:

"INT. FOOT BLIMP - CARGO HOLD - SAME TIME

Hun sneaks down silently into the cargo hold, eyeing Karai with an evil grin.  (She doesn't see him.)

CLOSER - Hun presses a control button on a wall panel.

102. HUN

(sotto, to himself)

Goodbye, Karai.  Happy landings."

For purposes of "plausible deniability" for Hun -- in the perhaps unlikely event that Karai survives the fall -- should we have Hun play act "accidentally" bumping into the button to press it? Also, in his lines above, "Goodbye" seems superfluous -- I would just have him say (after perhaps an "Oops!" when he "accidentally" bumps the drop button) something like "Happy landings, Karai."

15.) Re: the following:

"115. LEONARDO

Just shut up and peddle."

Although the bicycle has been appropriated from a Chinese peddler, I believe the word is "pedal".

16.) Re: the following:

"SWAT VANS and POLICE CARS <ROAR> into the square as BEIJING POLICEMEN scramble into position, aiming spotlights up at:"

Do they have SWAT in China? And what do police cars (and police uniforms) look like there? Perhaps some research is in order.

17.) Re: the following:

"INT. FOOT BLIMP - CONTINUOUS

Chaplin turns to Stockman proudly, pointing to the MegaMousers.

117. CHAPLIN

Mousers, Version 2.0.  I took your basic concept and gave 'em a little upgrade.  Cool, huh?"

This is not necessary, but might be a good character bit -- when Chaplin says this line, Baxter Stockman, unwilling to acknowledge any improvements on HIS brilliant ideas, could give a slightly offended and unimpressed sniff, looking down his holographic nose, and say something like "Upgrade? More like a... sidegrade."

18.) Re: the following:

"ON BEIJING POLICEMEN - <FIRING> their weapons at the MegaMousers.  Bullets merely <PING> off the bots."

Are we really going to have BULLETS pinging? Cool!

19.) Re: the following:

"ON A POLICE CAR - Two Beijing Policemen scramble out as the MegaMousers swarm all over the car, which disappears under the onslaught of MegaMousers.  A beat later, they scramble off, leaving nothing but the shell of a completely stripped car. "

Would it be fun to make these two cops the Beijing version of the "Eastman and Laird" cops as seen in the show several times? Also, while it is a fun visual to have the Megamousers completely strip the car down to a shell, it really makes not a whole lot of sense -- why would the Megamousers do that? Maybe they should just remove the wheels of the car to incapacitate it.

20.) Re: the following:

"128. MICHELANGELO

Funny.  Karai never mentioned anything about giant Mousers on steroids!"

There is some amount of redundancy here -- Mike should either say "giant Mousers" or "Mousers on steroids". And I must confess that as I am becoming tired of the "______ on steroids" cliched phrase to describe something big and powerful, I would prefer "giant Mousers".

21.) Re: the following:

"139. LEONARDO

Guess again, "Stock-Man".  "

Let's lose this one. Why the heck is Leo using the "Stock-Man" bit? Makes no sense.

22.) Okay, I'm confused. Wasn't the original plan to have the Shredder actually succeed in getting ONE antigrav generator out of this adventure? I thought he needed it for his spaceship (and WE needed him to get it for future plots to work). Am I misremembering things?

IF the answer is "No, he doesn't need it" and WE don't need it plotwise, then I think Saki should have a slightly different response to Karai's vid-screen report to him from the back-on-Earth Beijing. It's clever of her to turn the apparent failure into a different kind of success, but I think it would make sense for Saki to be at first angry about it, then grudgingly acknowledge her point. And he can still be even more pissed at Hun and Stockman.

22.) I think we should really steer clear of "cartoon physics" (at least as much as possible), such as those "Roadrunner" effects when the antigrav generator is shut off and Beijing starts to fall... and everything in Beijing starts to "float" in "free-fall". I think even a cursory examination of this scenario would reveal that EVERYTHING would fall at the SAME rate of speed (remember Galileo?). In other words, gravity would affect the city and its rocky base just as much -- or as little -- as every person, vehicle, or potted plant in Beijing. Beijing would not drop out from under everyone's feet!

I am also really not loving the whole "cut (actually, CHEW) the antigrav generator loose/raise it on a cable/turn off the anitgravity effect/cut the cable/turn the generator back on as it falls/save Beijing" bit. It is just full of holes, and feels really goofy. For one thing, the idea that it's even POSSIBLE to move the antigrav generator while it's sill turned on and putting out its gravity field AND the force field which encompasses the whole of Beijing is VERY suspect.

I would prefer to see a revised scenario which would leave the generator still attached to the ground, have the cable attached to it at some point (which would cause consternation on Hun's and Stockman's parts as when the device gets prematurely shut off at some point, the blimp they are in begins to get dragged down out of the sky along with the plummeting Beijing -- and it could be an act of cowardice that saves them, i.e. they choose to sever/release the cable to save their own skins at the expense of the Shredder's prize... which, of course, does NOT please him).

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #380: Feb. 20, 2004: comments on Ep. 69 outline

 Feb. 20, 2004: comments on Ep. 69 outline

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 69 outline ("Time Travails"):

1.) Re: the following:

"The Annals of History is a vast museum containing both books and magical artifacts relating to Time Management.  On a pedestal near the door a crystal ball – the Eye of Hindsight – shows a huge horn-headed creature (SAVANTI ROMERO) in his castle, watching his ADVISOR (a cloaked human, but frail, almost lizard-like) create a magic spell.  

The spell is designed to manipulate circumstance so that the fabled Time Scepter will be drawn to them.  Renet dusts right over it, then notices the scene inside.  "Ick!"  

She grabs the ball and shakes it like a snow globe, causing faint yells to come from the scene inside that the spell is "breaking up – stabilize it!"  Then the ball CHANGES to an image of the Turtles on a New York rooftop, having a water fight in the heat."

I like the idea (and name) of the "Eye of Hindsight", but I think it really isn't necessary to at this point show Savanti Romero and his advisor. I think it is confusing, especially because after she shakes the ball, it displays the Turtles -- huh? What possible connection could the two things have, vis a vis the function of the "Eye of Hindsight"? I would suggest instead that the "Eye of Hindsight" display some other, unrelated event, and Renet -- bored as she is -- shakes it up and then it shows the Turtles. (Might be even funnier if what is initially being displayed in the ball is something of great importance in human history, but Renet is STILL bored by it.)

2.) Re: the following:

"Renet’s going to miss the building completely; she falls heading for the street far below.  Luckily, the firehose is still at hand.  Raph races away with it, leaping right off the rooftop and out into space, trailing the hose, swinging down and …

… he catches Renet in one hand as the other three Turtles grab the firehose and brace themselves, controlling the swing of the firehose and stopping Raph and Renet from falling to their deaths.

But now, Raph and Renet are swinging back toward the windows of the building!

Raph, using one hand and both feet to hold Renet and the hose, whips out a sai with his free hand and hurls it at the glass.  The window shatters just before they hit it and he and Renet land inside, tumbling across the floor.  

An old lady drinking tea watches them dumbfounded as they tumble across her living room and vanish out the door.

She glances down at her cup.  They’re certainly making herb teas potent these days!"

I can't say I'm loving the crash through the window bit. In fact, the whole Renet falling off the roof thing seems pointless, except as an action bit. Why not just have her land on top of one or more of them like she does in the comic, instead of wasting storytelling time on this kind of thing?

3.) I'm not sure if this is something we want to do, but it would be cool to look at -- imagine when Savanti Romero has gotten his hands on the Time Scepter and is briefly pursuing the Turtles and Renet into the dense forest, he uses one of its powers, and creates an expanding bubble of negative time... which causes all of the old, large trees within its circumference to start growing BACKWARDS, getting younger and younger and smaller and smaller until they are only tiny saplings or even acorns or seeds. And animals caught in the effect would also be affected, which could be a neat visual.

The only reason I am not wholeheartedly suggesting this idea is that I'm not sure that showing that the Time Scepter has this kind of power is too much -- it would sort of make Savanti Romero invincible... unless we throw in a line somewhere (either from Savanti or from the Scepter itself) that the Time Scepter can only sustain this "negative time bubble" for short periods of time, and it nearly drains the Scepter of all of its power -- something Savanti obviously does not want to do.

4.) Re: the following:

"Ultimate Drako is the melding of Ultimate Ninja and Drako from the "Big Brawl."  The two were melded into a horrific one by their passage through a wormhole of space and time – a passage that took three thousand years for Ultimate Drako.  

And all that time his rage grew.  Finally able to reform and enter the real world, he disguised his hideous form with magic and became an advisor to the Demon Lord Romero, whose wealth and access to magical implements allowed him to plan his revenge."

I think it would be cool if instead of being able to enter the "real world" of his own volition, Ultimate Drako is actually inadvertently rescued from hopeless oblivion by the spells of Savanti Romero, who had been searching (through sorcerous means) the dark dimensions for beings of power who might aid him in his fell designs.

5.) Re: the following:

"Savanti Romero is stunned by all this – and annoyed as well.  His advisor is getting seriously above himself!  He tries a smackdown, but Ultimate Drako immolates him with a wave, and the Demon Lord crumbles to dust. "

WHAA --???!!! Why destroy Savanti in this manner? I thought we were going to use him again in the future, at least in an adaptation of TALES OF THE TMNT #7 (the one set in dino times). I think it would be better if Ultimate Drako does something different, like use the power of the Time Scepter to shrink him or freeze him or SOMETHING. Maybe he uses a bit of its "negative time" power to turn Savanti into a much younger version of himself.

Actually, it just occurred to me that this could be a perfect way to set up that adaptation of the TALES story -- Ultimate Drako could rid himself of Savanti Romero by using the power of the Time Scepter to throw Romero back to the prehistoric past. Would that work?

6.) Maybe it's just me, but I really like the goofy humor  in the original TMNT #8 when Savanti Romero tries -- futilely -- to blast Lord Simultaneous with the Time Scepter, beginning boldly with "Freeze! Fry! Oxidize and die!" and finally ending with the lame "Do something hot!" (I'm quoting from memory here -- the actual words may be different). These same (or similar) lines could be spoken by Ultimate Drako (instead of Savanti Romero) in this episode. It's not absolutely necessary, but I think it would be fun.

7.) Something else that would be fun, I'm thinking, would be -- if we can find a place where it fits -- to do a visual gag as a "tip of the hat" to Dave Sim's Cerebus the Aardvark character, who appeared in that original TMNT #8.  The idea I have right now is when the Turtles and Renet are being chased into the forest by Savanti Romero, one of the Turtles trips over an animal rooting in the underbrush, and the animal is an aardvark (realistically drawn, NOT looking like Cerebus) -- and that aardvark could be one of the victims of the "negative time bubble" (if we use that idea). I'm of course open to other ideas.

Marty Pasko, David Wise, and TMNT

You never know what you're going to wake up to. 


This morning, I got a "Google alert" which gave me the link below...


http://www.weirdcrimetheater.com/?tag=marty-pasko


... to an article on a site called "Weird Crime Theatre" in which some "Twitter" comments by a writer named Marty Pasko regarding TMNT are examined.


Here's one quote from Mr. Pasko from this article:


"If you REALLY wanna interview someone who’s a creator of TMNT as we know it, f*** Eastman & Laird; talk to David Wise"


The rest of it is about at the same level.


Really, you can't make this stuff up. -- PL