Blast from the Past #381: Feb. 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 67 first draft "Mission of Gravity" script

Feb. 23, 2004: comments on Ep. 67 first draft "Mission of Gravity" script

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my notes on Ep. 67 "Mission of Gravity" first draft script:

1.) Re: the following:

"WIDEN FURTHER TO REVEAL - The Domebot is, in fact hovering beside the asteroid "cone" below the city of BEIJING, which hovers high in the upper atmosphere."

The visual for "flying Beijing" should, I think, not be exactly like the Triceraton asteroid ships, which as originally conceived back in the old Mirage comic days were actually irregularly shaped asteroids, chunks of rock found floating in space -- which the Triceratons has adapted and shaped to fit their needs. I think it would be cooler and make more sense if flying Beijing is more or less spherical (as opposed to conical) in shape, with the idea being that the force field which protects it and keeps the atmosphere in was also part of the mechanism by which Beijing was cut out of the Earth's surface. My vision of force fields of this type is that they are generally spherical in nature, as they originate from a central point (the force field projector) and propagate outwards to equal distances in all directions, until the force field reaches its desired or maximum range -- and the result is a sphere shape. I think it would be visually cool as well.

2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER TO REVEAL - The "cloud" of figures is, in fact, SILVER SENTRY, ANANDA and METALHEAD, leading an army of flying DOMEOIDS for an all-out assault on the atmospheric shield.  Ananda and Metalhead are each carried by a pair of Domeoids (unless we want to give them cooler-looking Dome-like jet exoframes).  They all <POUND> relentlessly against the shield (Metalhead with his morphing metal hair), but are unable to penetrate it."

Playmates Toys is planning to release its beautifully sculpted Silver Sentry figure with a couple of accessories -- I believe they are a sort of "mystic energy shield and staff". (Gary could probably fax you the Playmates drawing of these items if you haven't already seen them.) These accessories obviously have nothing to do with what we have seen of the Silver Sentry so far on the show, but in discussions with Playmates I felt it was POSSIBLE that the Silver Sentry (whose abilities we have not fully explored or explained) MIGHT have the ability to form these kinds of weapons/tools via mental or mystic powers, or pluck them from a "holding place" in another dimension, etc.. If it would make sense to have him do this in the show, and try to use the  energy shield and/or staff against the force field protecting Beijing, maybe we should, as it might be more visually interesting than just having him (as well as everybody else in this scene) just bashing his fists on the force shield.

It also just occurred to me that it might be cool to have Dr. Dome send at least a few of his Domeoids on a kind of desperate suicide run at the force field, sacrificing some of them in an effort to get through the shield -- could be a cool visual to see a few of the Domeoids being blown apart and their bits and pieces falling towards Earth.

3.) Re: the following:

"7. DR. DOME

Dome to Tech Team!  We can't hold it!  Get the Antigrav field back online!  Now!

EXT. TIANANMEN SQUARE - PLUMMETING - SAME TIME

A valiant Scientist clings to the Antigrav Generator, reaching for the controls as all around him is in freefall.

CLOSE ON HIS HAND - pushing in a control button.  We hear the sound of the Antigrav Generator <POWERING UP>."

This is a very exciting sequence, but I feel the need to put on my science nerd helmet and point out a few things that we might want to consider. First is -- how high up are they at this point? Because if they are in the atmosphere -- even if they are in the upper atmosphere -- they would still be affected by Earth's gravity, and would not "float up in the air" when the antigravity generator is turned off. I think Beijing would need to be in Earth orbit (essentially, in space) for this effect to happen. And if they ARE up that high, the dissipation of the force field and the subsequent nearly instantaneous loss of atmosphere within it would, I believe, cause explosive decompression (very messy for living creatures).

Also, story-wise, it makes the later climactic plunge towards Earth of the crippled flying Beijing a bit redundant -- like "Haven't we already seen this?"

With those things in mind, I would like to suggest an alternative with a few changes: Let's say that flying Beijing is high up but still within our atmosphere (allowing all the Justice Force members to do their thing without dying from lack of oxygen or freezing to death (though it might be cool if they need SOME extra oxygen, and thus wear some kind of little breather thingies). Keep everything the same up to and including these lines:

"CLOSE ON A SCIENTIST - carefully working a series of controls.  We hear the sound of the Generator <POWERING DOWN>.   

WIDER - Everyone looks alarmed as there is a SUDDEN LURCH."

But instead of Beijing FALLING while everybody floats up, I suggest that Beijing starts RISING! What has happened is not that the antigrav effect has been turned off, but INCREASED, to the end result that Beijing is being forced AWAY from the nearest large gravity-producing object (in this case, the Earth). Now, with this change, it would make more sense (at least to me!) that things that aren't tied down on the surface of Beijing might start "floating" and rising into the air, as a side effect of the increased antigravity force. (Actually, it doesn't make MUCH sense... but I'd be willing to let it slide as an "transient unknown side-effect of the unauthorized and uninformed manipulation of an alien anti-gravity device".))

Also, if we keep the idea that the force field shuts down at the same time, it could be extra exciting because as Beijing starts to rise higher in the atmosphere without the force field, its internal breathable atmosphere would start to bleed away, and if Beijing keeps rising into space... well, it's game over. (The obvious problem with that is this: if much of the breathable air is blown out, how does it get replaced once the force field is reestablished? You could say that not enough air gets lost to harm everyone still in Beijing, AND that it increases the sense of urgency for our heroes to get Beijing back down to Earth, just because now the people in Beijing have that many hours FEWER of breathable air. On the other hand... would it make any sense for the Triceratons to have designed this system to be totally closed off, and not build it in a way for the force field to regularly admit new breathable air, just so as to keep alive whatever living "slaves" that were trapped within?)

Anyway, our Justice Force heroes are now faced with having to try to catch up with the rapidly ascending flying city (and I have to say at this point, that bit with them all flying underneath the city to try to hold it up was just WAY too silly), and they soon realize that they are close to exceeding their own limits (no air! cold space!). The frantic efforts to reestablish the former settings of the antigrav generator could proceed more or less as written, though I had a suggestion that instead of the Chinese scientist just reaching out with his hand to punch a button, it might be cooler like this: The scientist has a laptop computer connected in a jury-rigged way to the antigrav generator, and it is through this computer that the "shutdown" command was given. When the gravity shifts and everything starts to go haywire, the computer is still connected, via perhaps one thick cable or group of cables, to the antigrav generator. The scientist keeps a grip on the computer, and desperately types in commands to try to reset the antigrav generator... and all the while the stress on that connecting cable is starting to wiggle the connector loose... very tense situation until the final command is typed in and the generator is reset.

4.) Re: the following:

"10. CHAPLIN

Believe me, Boss Man, you're gonna dig it big time."

Chaplin referring to Oroku Saki as "Boss Man" seems pretty flip and familiar. I think he would more likey call him "Sir".

5.) Re: the following:

"20. KARAI

But Master… what of the millions of innocents that will perish when Beijing comes crashing to Earth?

SAKI - glares at Karai.

21. SAKI

They are of little concern to me."

I'm wondering if Saki's repsonse might be cooler if he says something like:

"If they perish, it is their karma which makes it so... and it is of little concern to me."

6.) Re: the following:

"25. RAPHAEL 

Here it is, just like I told ya. Another one a' Shredder's alien tech garbage picking goon squads.

26. DONATELLO

What do you think he's collecting all this stuff for?"

As it is pretty doubtful that Don would think any of the other Turtles would/could have figured it out before HE does, I think Don would more likely put that thought in this way:

"I wonder what he's collecting all this stuff for?"

7.) Re: the following:

"52. CHAPLIN

Hey, Stock-Man.  I just want to say I think the Shred-Man's been giving you a bum ride.  He should be honored just to be in the presence of the legendary Baxter Stockman.  

(beat, looking at Stockman)

Even if you are a freakish, brain-in-a-jar shadow of your former greatness."

Much like my earlier comment about Chaplin referring to Saki ad "Boss Man", what is UP with "Stock-Man" and "Shred-Man" and the "freakish, brain-in-a-jar" stuff? Has this Chaplin dude had a personality transplant since the last time we saw him? When did he become so... so... SNARKY? (See also lines 63 and 125.)

8.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN - grabs a piece of equipment (a crash helmet maybe?) and <CRUSHES> it between his robotic hands.

57. STOCKMAN

All the better to crush, er… collaborate with you, Dr. Chaplin.

CHAPLIN - pats Stockman's robotic body on the back <KLUNK!>.

58. CHAPLIN

I figured you'll need it to survive the big mission. 

FAVOR STOCKMAN - He gently caresses the instrument panel at the helm like a beloved pet, playing it up for Chaplin.

59. STOCKMAN

Ah yes, the mission.  Pity you'll miss out on the maiden voyage of this incredible vessel you designed and built with your own two hands.

FAVOR CHAPLIN - as Stockman sidles up close to him, tantalizing him, reeling him in like a pro.

60. STOCKMAN (CONT'D)

Nor will you get to study incredible antigravity technology, not to mention witness firsthand as an entire city crashes down from the stratosphere.

Stockman <SMACKS> robotic hand down on an instrument panel to illustrate.  Chaplin's mouth is practically watering."

It might work better if, instead of Stockman crushing the piece of equipment just before line 57, he instead holds on to it, perhaps rolling it around in his hands as if he is testing the dexterity of the robot body's fingers, and then when he says the line about "an entire city crashing down from the stratosphere", he uses that piece of equipment to demonstrate the "crash" effect (perhaps holding it in one hand while smashing his other hand into it).

9.) Re: the following:

"74. KARAI

Is this not the robot who sacrificed himself to end the alien invasion?"

Question: Would Karai more likely say "Is this not the robot which sacrificed itself to end the alien invasion?"

10.) Re: the following:

"79. DONATELLO

So you were the one making those calls.  Your memory core must have downloaded into my palmtop.     

ON DON'S PALMTOP - as data rapid scrolls past the Fugitoid.

80. FUGITOID

Well, most of it.  Your hard drive doesn't have the same capacity as my old robotic body, so I'm afraid I had to forgo some nonessential information. "

I wonder if it might be cool if in addition to Honeycutt explaining that Don's hard drive is too small, he (Honeycutt) also did -- and refers to in this scene -- one or both of the following:

-- used experimental compression algorithms to shrink the size of some of his memory files down, and/or

-- distributed via the Internet (peer-to-peer file sharing?) some of the less essential parts of his memory, with the intention that at some point in the future he would go online and try to track them down and rejoin them to his memory core. It might be fun (or not) to  do something with this in a later episode -- i.e. somehow those pieces come together (perhaps with the aid of a hacker) and create an incomplete, perhaps evil "Dark Fugitoid". Maybe even hook up with Nano and create the NanoToid!

11.) I'm not sure how or if it would be advisable to put this into the mix, but it might be fun to play with the "all the Turtles look alike" thing when we are showing how the Fugitoid doesn't have all of his memory.

12.) Re: the following:

"89. FUGITOID (V.O. FROM PALMTOP)

Oh.  Well, in any event, with my knowledge of Triceraton technology, I could easily assume control of the Antigrav Generator and gently lower the city of Beijing back to its original resting place."

Should Honeycutt speak in such blase terms of his ability to do this thing -- especially as later (in line 123) he says "Oh dear, I hope can still remember all my Triceraton Antigravity Physics"? I think it might be better if he suggests that he MIGHT be able to do it (maybe even rattle off, Spock-like, some percentages or probabilities of success), and Karai and the Turtles ruefully acknowledge that that's not only better than nothing, it's the best idea that they've heard (or been able to come up with) so far.

13.) Given that the Turtles are cooped up in that crate for quite a while, would it be funny if we did a "I have to pee!" gag? Perhaps Mikey could be the bladder-challenged individual, with the other Turtles giving him variations of the old "You should have gone at home!" and "You shouldn't have had that last super-sized soda!" lines. Maybe there could even be an oblique reference to the ancient ninja techniques for dealing with this situation that Splinter taught them, and Mike could complain that he was never really much good at those lessons. Or maybe that kind of joke is too infantile.

14.) Re: the following:

"INT. FOOT BLIMP - CARGO HOLD - SAME TIME

Hun sneaks down silently into the cargo hold, eyeing Karai with an evil grin.  (She doesn't see him.)

CLOSER - Hun presses a control button on a wall panel.

102. HUN

(sotto, to himself)

Goodbye, Karai.  Happy landings."

For purposes of "plausible deniability" for Hun -- in the perhaps unlikely event that Karai survives the fall -- should we have Hun play act "accidentally" bumping into the button to press it? Also, in his lines above, "Goodbye" seems superfluous -- I would just have him say (after perhaps an "Oops!" when he "accidentally" bumps the drop button) something like "Happy landings, Karai."

15.) Re: the following:

"115. LEONARDO

Just shut up and peddle."

Although the bicycle has been appropriated from a Chinese peddler, I believe the word is "pedal".

16.) Re: the following:

"SWAT VANS and POLICE CARS <ROAR> into the square as BEIJING POLICEMEN scramble into position, aiming spotlights up at:"

Do they have SWAT in China? And what do police cars (and police uniforms) look like there? Perhaps some research is in order.

17.) Re: the following:

"INT. FOOT BLIMP - CONTINUOUS

Chaplin turns to Stockman proudly, pointing to the MegaMousers.

117. CHAPLIN

Mousers, Version 2.0.  I took your basic concept and gave 'em a little upgrade.  Cool, huh?"

This is not necessary, but might be a good character bit -- when Chaplin says this line, Baxter Stockman, unwilling to acknowledge any improvements on HIS brilliant ideas, could give a slightly offended and unimpressed sniff, looking down his holographic nose, and say something like "Upgrade? More like a... sidegrade."

18.) Re: the following:

"ON BEIJING POLICEMEN - <FIRING> their weapons at the MegaMousers.  Bullets merely <PING> off the bots."

Are we really going to have BULLETS pinging? Cool!

19.) Re: the following:

"ON A POLICE CAR - Two Beijing Policemen scramble out as the MegaMousers swarm all over the car, which disappears under the onslaught of MegaMousers.  A beat later, they scramble off, leaving nothing but the shell of a completely stripped car. "

Would it be fun to make these two cops the Beijing version of the "Eastman and Laird" cops as seen in the show several times? Also, while it is a fun visual to have the Megamousers completely strip the car down to a shell, it really makes not a whole lot of sense -- why would the Megamousers do that? Maybe they should just remove the wheels of the car to incapacitate it.

20.) Re: the following:

"128. MICHELANGELO

Funny.  Karai never mentioned anything about giant Mousers on steroids!"

There is some amount of redundancy here -- Mike should either say "giant Mousers" or "Mousers on steroids". And I must confess that as I am becoming tired of the "______ on steroids" cliched phrase to describe something big and powerful, I would prefer "giant Mousers".

21.) Re: the following:

"139. LEONARDO

Guess again, "Stock-Man".  "

Let's lose this one. Why the heck is Leo using the "Stock-Man" bit? Makes no sense.

22.) Okay, I'm confused. Wasn't the original plan to have the Shredder actually succeed in getting ONE antigrav generator out of this adventure? I thought he needed it for his spaceship (and WE needed him to get it for future plots to work). Am I misremembering things?

IF the answer is "No, he doesn't need it" and WE don't need it plotwise, then I think Saki should have a slightly different response to Karai's vid-screen report to him from the back-on-Earth Beijing. It's clever of her to turn the apparent failure into a different kind of success, but I think it would make sense for Saki to be at first angry about it, then grudgingly acknowledge her point. And he can still be even more pissed at Hun and Stockman.

22.) I think we should really steer clear of "cartoon physics" (at least as much as possible), such as those "Roadrunner" effects when the antigrav generator is shut off and Beijing starts to fall... and everything in Beijing starts to "float" in "free-fall". I think even a cursory examination of this scenario would reveal that EVERYTHING would fall at the SAME rate of speed (remember Galileo?). In other words, gravity would affect the city and its rocky base just as much -- or as little -- as every person, vehicle, or potted plant in Beijing. Beijing would not drop out from under everyone's feet!

I am also really not loving the whole "cut (actually, CHEW) the antigrav generator loose/raise it on a cable/turn off the anitgravity effect/cut the cable/turn the generator back on as it falls/save Beijing" bit. It is just full of holes, and feels really goofy. For one thing, the idea that it's even POSSIBLE to move the antigrav generator while it's sill turned on and putting out its gravity field AND the force field which encompasses the whole of Beijing is VERY suspect.

I would prefer to see a revised scenario which would leave the generator still attached to the ground, have the cable attached to it at some point (which would cause consternation on Hun's and Stockman's parts as when the device gets prematurely shut off at some point, the blimp they are in begins to get dragged down out of the sky along with the plummeting Beijing -- and it could be an act of cowardice that saves them, i.e. they choose to sever/release the cable to save their own skins at the expense of the Shredder's prize... which, of course, does NOT please him).

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #380: Feb. 20, 2004: comments on Ep. 69 outline

 Feb. 20, 2004: comments on Ep. 69 outline

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 69 outline ("Time Travails"):

1.) Re: the following:

"The Annals of History is a vast museum containing both books and magical artifacts relating to Time Management.  On a pedestal near the door a crystal ball – the Eye of Hindsight – shows a huge horn-headed creature (SAVANTI ROMERO) in his castle, watching his ADVISOR (a cloaked human, but frail, almost lizard-like) create a magic spell.  

The spell is designed to manipulate circumstance so that the fabled Time Scepter will be drawn to them.  Renet dusts right over it, then notices the scene inside.  "Ick!"  

She grabs the ball and shakes it like a snow globe, causing faint yells to come from the scene inside that the spell is "breaking up – stabilize it!"  Then the ball CHANGES to an image of the Turtles on a New York rooftop, having a water fight in the heat."

I like the idea (and name) of the "Eye of Hindsight", but I think it really isn't necessary to at this point show Savanti Romero and his advisor. I think it is confusing, especially because after she shakes the ball, it displays the Turtles -- huh? What possible connection could the two things have, vis a vis the function of the "Eye of Hindsight"? I would suggest instead that the "Eye of Hindsight" display some other, unrelated event, and Renet -- bored as she is -- shakes it up and then it shows the Turtles. (Might be even funnier if what is initially being displayed in the ball is something of great importance in human history, but Renet is STILL bored by it.)

2.) Re: the following:

"Renet’s going to miss the building completely; she falls heading for the street far below.  Luckily, the firehose is still at hand.  Raph races away with it, leaping right off the rooftop and out into space, trailing the hose, swinging down and …

… he catches Renet in one hand as the other three Turtles grab the firehose and brace themselves, controlling the swing of the firehose and stopping Raph and Renet from falling to their deaths.

But now, Raph and Renet are swinging back toward the windows of the building!

Raph, using one hand and both feet to hold Renet and the hose, whips out a sai with his free hand and hurls it at the glass.  The window shatters just before they hit it and he and Renet land inside, tumbling across the floor.  

An old lady drinking tea watches them dumbfounded as they tumble across her living room and vanish out the door.

She glances down at her cup.  They’re certainly making herb teas potent these days!"

I can't say I'm loving the crash through the window bit. In fact, the whole Renet falling off the roof thing seems pointless, except as an action bit. Why not just have her land on top of one or more of them like she does in the comic, instead of wasting storytelling time on this kind of thing?

3.) I'm not sure if this is something we want to do, but it would be cool to look at -- imagine when Savanti Romero has gotten his hands on the Time Scepter and is briefly pursuing the Turtles and Renet into the dense forest, he uses one of its powers, and creates an expanding bubble of negative time... which causes all of the old, large trees within its circumference to start growing BACKWARDS, getting younger and younger and smaller and smaller until they are only tiny saplings or even acorns or seeds. And animals caught in the effect would also be affected, which could be a neat visual.

The only reason I am not wholeheartedly suggesting this idea is that I'm not sure that showing that the Time Scepter has this kind of power is too much -- it would sort of make Savanti Romero invincible... unless we throw in a line somewhere (either from Savanti or from the Scepter itself) that the Time Scepter can only sustain this "negative time bubble" for short periods of time, and it nearly drains the Scepter of all of its power -- something Savanti obviously does not want to do.

4.) Re: the following:

"Ultimate Drako is the melding of Ultimate Ninja and Drako from the "Big Brawl."  The two were melded into a horrific one by their passage through a wormhole of space and time – a passage that took three thousand years for Ultimate Drako.  

And all that time his rage grew.  Finally able to reform and enter the real world, he disguised his hideous form with magic and became an advisor to the Demon Lord Romero, whose wealth and access to magical implements allowed him to plan his revenge."

I think it would be cool if instead of being able to enter the "real world" of his own volition, Ultimate Drako is actually inadvertently rescued from hopeless oblivion by the spells of Savanti Romero, who had been searching (through sorcerous means) the dark dimensions for beings of power who might aid him in his fell designs.

5.) Re: the following:

"Savanti Romero is stunned by all this – and annoyed as well.  His advisor is getting seriously above himself!  He tries a smackdown, but Ultimate Drako immolates him with a wave, and the Demon Lord crumbles to dust. "

WHAA --???!!! Why destroy Savanti in this manner? I thought we were going to use him again in the future, at least in an adaptation of TALES OF THE TMNT #7 (the one set in dino times). I think it would be better if Ultimate Drako does something different, like use the power of the Time Scepter to shrink him or freeze him or SOMETHING. Maybe he uses a bit of its "negative time" power to turn Savanti into a much younger version of himself.

Actually, it just occurred to me that this could be a perfect way to set up that adaptation of the TALES story -- Ultimate Drako could rid himself of Savanti Romero by using the power of the Time Scepter to throw Romero back to the prehistoric past. Would that work?

6.) Maybe it's just me, but I really like the goofy humor  in the original TMNT #8 when Savanti Romero tries -- futilely -- to blast Lord Simultaneous with the Time Scepter, beginning boldly with "Freeze! Fry! Oxidize and die!" and finally ending with the lame "Do something hot!" (I'm quoting from memory here -- the actual words may be different). These same (or similar) lines could be spoken by Ultimate Drako (instead of Savanti Romero) in this episode. It's not absolutely necessary, but I think it would be fun.

7.) Something else that would be fun, I'm thinking, would be -- if we can find a place where it fits -- to do a visual gag as a "tip of the hat" to Dave Sim's Cerebus the Aardvark character, who appeared in that original TMNT #8.  The idea I have right now is when the Turtles and Renet are being chased into the forest by Savanti Romero, one of the Turtles trips over an animal rooting in the underbrush, and the animal is an aardvark (realistically drawn, NOT looking like Cerebus) -- and that aardvark could be one of the victims of the "negative time bubble" (if we use that idea). I'm of course open to other ideas.

Marty Pasko, David Wise, and TMNT

You never know what you're going to wake up to. 


This morning, I got a "Google alert" which gave me the link below...


http://www.weirdcrimetheater.com/?tag=marty-pasko


... to an article on a site called "Weird Crime Theatre" in which some "Twitter" comments by a writer named Marty Pasko regarding TMNT are examined.


Here's one quote from Mr. Pasko from this article:


"If you REALLY wanna interview someone who’s a creator of TMNT as we know it, f*** Eastman & Laird; talk to David Wise"


The rest of it is about at the same level.


Really, you can't make this stuff up. -- PL

Blast from the Past #379: Feb. 18, 2004: comments on Ep. 66 first draft script

Feb. 18, 2004: comments on Ep. 66 first draft script

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the first draft script for Ep. 66.

comments on Ep. 66 first draft / "The Darkness Within"

1.) Re: the following:

"INT. LEONARDO’S CARDIAC CAVITY – CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON – Leonardo’s heart starts to pump hard in a rapid cycle of systole and diastole.  <HEART BEAT>."

This seems totally bizarre, unnecessary and inappropriate to me. And much the same thing could be accomplished with sound (loud heartbeats), I think.

2.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE ON – There is the <FAINT SOUND OF TURNING GEARS> as the elevator begins to descend.

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT – CONTINUOUS

DOWN ON – The elevator <DESCENDS> on it’s thick cable and pulleys away from camera."

Have the Turtles recently installed an antique Otis lift? I don't recall the alien-like elevator that the Turtles discovered in their lair -- the ONLY elevator in there, if memory serves --being so creaky, so... ordinary.

3.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Angel holds up an old, minted gold coin."

Even if the animators are somehow able to SHOW that the coin is gold, I think it is quite odd that none of the Turtles or Splinter remark on the fact that Angel's brother has apparently found a stash of GOLD coins. That's not something that happens every day.

I think at the very least Don should make a comment about this nature of the coin, perhaps when he is talking about the date and its being Dutch.

Actually, I just thought of something that might be kind of funny: When Mike takes the coin, he bites it. Everyone gives him a look. Don says "What are you doing?" Mike says "They do this in the movies all the time -- I'm testing it to see if it's real gold!" Don sighs and grabs the coin from Mike and says "The only thing YOU'D be able to tell with that technique is whether it's really chocolate wrapped in gold-colored foil."

4.) Re: the following:

"31. SPLINTER

Hmm.  Ok.  But be careful."

I don't think Splinter says "Okay".

5.) Re: the following:

"32. MICHELANGELO

Don’t worry, Master S, we’re always careful … "

"Master S"...? I don't think so.

6.) Re: the following:

"EXT. STREET

FOLLOW SIDE ON – The BattleShell <SPEEDS> along the street when suddenly its lights go out and the engine becomes a <QUIET HUSH>.

34. DONATELLO (O.C.)(CONT’D)

Stealth mode.  I just installed it.

The BattleShell <HUSHES> past a HOMELESS GUY <TALKING> on a cell phone.

35. MICHELANGELO (O.C.)

Sweet.  What does this button do?

O.T.S. – The Homeless Guy whips around as suddenly the BattleShell emits a <KLAXXON> and its lights flash.

36. DONATELLO (O.C.)

Mikey, don’t touch anything else.  … Ever."

What the heck? I have NO idea why this scene is in this story. Does this "stealth mode" get used in this episode? Is it setting something up for a later episode? And which lights go off -- inside or outside, or both? And what the heck is a HOMELESS guy doing TALKING ON A CELLPHONE???!!! It all seems like goofy slapstick with no point.

7.) Re: the following:

"37. DONATELLO

Are you sure this is the place?"

A minor point -- but I can't see any reason why Don would ask this question at this moment. I mean, Angel has told them that her brother found the coins at a construction site, and here they are at a construction site. The line seems completely superfluous, and it could be excised with no ill effect.

8.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Leonardo approaches the building’s large, carved oak doors and gives them a slight push.

WIDER – The doors <SWING> open widely on their hinges and the turtles, followed by Angel, walk into the darkness."

Even IF the building's front doors were left unlocked (which seems kind of odd), I doubt that approach would be the one the Turtles would take -- they would be more likely to try to find a less-obvious entry point.

9.) I'm not sure if there is any particular significance to the name "Van Clephas", but it just occurred to me that it might be cool if we could come up with a clever anagram of "Lovecraft" to use instead of Clephus. (I'm pretty sure I have an anagram generating program somewhere, and if I can find it I'll give it a shot.)

10.) Re: the following:

"41. LEONARDO

(shouts)

Hello!  Is there anybody here?"

Great ninja technique! I'm joking, of course.

11.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Angel examines a broken piece of oak paneling, held up by scaffolding.  She <TUGS> the piece of wood aside to reveal an old lever, which she <PULLS>.

DOWN ANGLE ON – The eye mosaic suddenly changes as the tiles of eye’s pupil <FLIP> and the pupil <TRANSFORMS> into a staircase descending into darkness.

43. RAPHAEL

You found it, Angel, you wanna go first?"

First, the way Angel finds the lever which opens the staircase seems a bit odd to me -- why would she be examining a "broken piece of oak paneling, held up by scaffolding"? I think if would be better and visually cooler if maybe she was with Mike when he's looking at the bust of Van Clephus (and this bit might work better it the bust was in a recessed alcove in a wall), and she does something with the bust (maybe goes to lean it toward her to get a better look at it) and the bust tips forward and IT activates the staircase.

And Raph's line seems TOTALLY out of character.

12.) Re: the following:

"WIDE – The turtles and Angel step off the spiral staircase which <RETRACTS> upwards.  "

Aside from being an interesting visual, is there any reason for the staircase to automatically retract? I haven't read the script all the way through yet, but wouldn't it make more sense if it stayed in the open position so that the Turtles could make their escape back up it?

13.) Re: the following:

"PAN ACROSS – The inscription over the door reads "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate".

46. LEONARDO

What’s it say, Don?

47. DONATELLO

It’s Italian.  It says …  Abandon …  all …  shoes … ye who …  enter here.  At least, I think it does.

CLOSE ON – Raphael gives Donatello a confused look.

48. RAPHAEL

Abandon all shoes?  What’s that supposed to mean."

I don't get the point of this gag. Don can read all the "Italian" (why Italian? why not Latin? or Dutch?) EXCEPT for the word he translates as "shoes"?

14.) Re: the following:

"PUSH IN ON – The skeletons chest cavity is filled by a small creature with writhing tentacles and one central sinister red eye as it emits a <HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH>"

This is a little too close to the Utroms in their robotic exoskeletons for my comfort. I'm not even sure we NEED these "small creature with writhing tentacles" anyway... but if we DO, maybe it would be better if they were in the SKULLS instead, with tentacles coming out of the eye sockets and mouths.

15.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Angel peers around from behind Leonardo’s shell.

51. ANGEL

Perhaps they’re friendly."

Hmm... animated skeletons with weird tentacled creatures in them, brandishing weapons -- and THIS is what Angel says? Just plain stupid. 

16.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – The Elizabethan skeleton faces off against Donatello as it <SWISHES> its rapier in the air, then salutes him.

CLOSE ON – Donatello gives him a curious look, then <FLOURISHES> his staff and salutes back."

I could very well be wrong, and I'll have to check my history book, but is an "Elizabethan" character an anachronism? Did the Elizabethan period predate European arrival in the New World?

Also, I don't get the "salute" bit. I thought these skeletons were animated solely by the power of the Cthulhu-type monster in this story, but this bit implies that some of the living personality of that dead person is still present. Does that make any sense?

17.) Re: the following:

"53. OLD MAN (O.C.)

Close the door!

WHIP PAN TO – The silhouette of an Old Man, holding a bright lantern stands in the tunnel behind the turtles.

ANGLE ON – The turtles charge forward and begin to shove the door which begins to <SWING> on its hinges.

CLOSE ON – With the turtles pushing as hard as they can, the door <SLAMS> shut, catching one skeletal arm which <FALLS> apart as the door <CLOSES>."

I suppose this will be worked out at the storyboard stage, but I'd like to get some clarity now -- exactly which way is this door swinging? Did it swing INWARD or OUTWARD when the Turtles first saw it? Which is spookier? (Later on, we see Angel and the Old Man putting their backs against the door and pushing it shut from the outside, so I guess that  would imply that it swings OUT... but is that necessarily the best idea?)

Also, how does the door open in the first place, and why? Should we have the Turtles and/or Angel actually do something to make it open, rather than have it just open on its own for no apparent reason? And how (and why) does it stay closed once the Turtles have retreated, conveniently keeping the skeletons from pursuing them?

18.) Re: the following:

"FRONT ON – An Iroquois brave stands at the entrance to a cave leading into the meteorite.  He is dressed as the Native American skeleton was earlier, as he flourishes the same tomahawk."

It would be cool if we could get some kind of authenticity in the Iroquois garb/headress. Also -- what's up with this "cave"? I thought the sky stone was in a big rut (that it made) on the surface. Maybe it would be cool if instead of being in a cave the sky stone is surrounded by an Iroquois-built hut or hogan (whatever style they used at that time), and that building over time is replaced by various other buildings, ending up with the massive stone edifice in this story.

And can we come up with a cooler name than "sky stone"?

19.) Re: the following:

"79. DONATELLO

Yeah, it makes a change from fighting the Shredder …  Y’know that thousand-year-old evil from outer space dude."

This doesn't sound at all like Don -- but it does sound like Raph or Mike.

20.) Re: the following:

"INT. METEORITE – ENTRANCE TUBE - CONTINUOUS

LOW ON – The turtles find themselves in a tube, <DRIPPING> with slime.  The walls are porous lava, which glow with an interior ambient light."

Is this the same tunnel in which the Turtles fought the skeletons earlier? It would seem to have to be, as they entered it through that same golden door. If so, why is it lit now when earlier it was dark?

21.) Re: the following:

"80. RAPHAEL

Do you guys buy that Old Man’s story?

81. LEONARDO

At this point, I’m just about willing to believe anything.

82. MICHELANGELO

Uhm, Leo, did I mention Master Splinter  said I should be in charge and stuff.

83. LEONARDO

Well, maybe not anything."

The Mike/Leo gag is funny, but totally wrong for the situation. I say lose it.

22.) Re: the following:

"96. LEONARDO (CONT’D)

[plaintiff]  Noooooooooooo!"

"Plaintiff" is a person who instigates a lawsuit. I think the word needed here is "plaintive".

23.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Suddenly Casey and April reach up and <PULL> off their faces like rubber (think Mission Impossible) to reveal in place of their usual features, a mass of writhing tentacles with a central red eye.

CLOSE ON – Donatello antics back in fear.

107. DONATELLO

(afraid)

April …  Casey …  What’s happening?  Why are you?  I …  I …

WIDER – Suddenly April grabs the dinner table and <HURLS> it across the room.

CLOSE ON – Casey picks a limp Donatello up, his feet dangling off the floor."

It seems very odd -- because there doesn't seem to be any reason for it -- that Don doesn't fight or struggle at all in this scene. If it's necessary that Don be helpless, I would buy that the monstrous Casey and April are too strong for Don and are able to pick him up in a grasp which does not allow him to escape.

24.) Re: the following:

"115. MICHELANGELO

(to self)

I’m home?!  That’s funny.  I could have sworn I was in an underground meteorite about to face some ancient evil creature who lives off fear."

Minor point, but -- are they actually INSIDE the meteorite? I didn't get that. If they are in fact NOT inside it, I suggest changing Mike's lines thusly:

"115. MICHELANGELO

(to self)

I’m home?!  That’s funny.  I could have sworn I was in an underground tunnel about to face some ancient evil creature who lives in a meteorite  and feeds off fear."

25.) This may be too much, but while reading Mikey's dream sequence, I thought it might be cool if his warped adversaries keep saying -- in their insane screechy voices from the mountains of madness -- "Cowabunga! Cowabunga! Cowabunga!" That would drive anyone over the edge!

26.) Re: the following:

"136. MICHELANGELO

Raph!  Wake up!  It’s all a bad dream!

Michelangelo stops slapping him as Raphael blinks his eyes open and looks around.

137. RAPHAEL

A bad dream?  But …  how do I know this is real?

Michelangelo thinks for a [BEAT] …  then begins to <SLAP> Raphael again.

138. RAPHAEL (CONT’D)

(between slaps)

Ok …  Ok …  It’s …  not …  a …  dream …"

How about, instead of having Mike start slapping Raph again, he instead lets loose with one of those HUGE patented Mikey BURPS right in Raph's face?

27.) The bit where the creature stings Leo again and Leo starts to imagine that he is in the Saharan desert seems really pointless and unnecessary.

28.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON – Leonardo grabs the tomahawk from his belt.  The tomahawk is glowing blue."

Like Frodo's sword Sting in the presence of nasty, tricksy Orcses? Maybe we should use a different color.

29.) I still don't understand the relationship of the old man to the creature, especially when we reveal that he is the original Van Clephas. Did the creature keep him alive all this time through some eldritch magical means? If so, why? If the old man is the creature's slave, how is he able to help the Turtles? And if the old man is NOT the creature's slave, why hasn't he destroyed the creature before this? I mean, he knew about the tomahawk, after all... right?

30.) Re: the following:

"156. LEONARDO

Angel, when your brother goes to work tomorrow, make sure he fills this tunnel with concrete.  We don’t ever want to go into that place again.  Now let’s leave this creepy building.

157. ANGEL

Does this place make you afraid, Leo?

158. LEONARDO

Yes, Angel.  It sure does."

This is probably the worst dialogue I've read in a long time, and that's on top of it being totally unnecessary. Let's see... the creature has just been destroyed -- as far as they can tell -- so why the heck is Leo telling Angel's brother to fill the tunnel with concrete? And how, exactly, would Angel's brother be able to do such a thing? And... "We don’t ever want to go into that place again."? Well... DON'T!!! I say lose all this -- maybe just have Leo give a last look around and say something like "Let's get out of here."

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #378: Feb. 16, 2004: comments on Ep. 65 first draft script

Feb. 16, 2004: comments on Ep. 65 first draft script

From: Peter Laird

To: Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on Ep. 65 first draft script. No major problems, just a few detail suggestions:

1.) Would it be interesting to have young Casey wear glasses? I know he doesn't wear them in the present, but there could be several ways around that -- he could wear contacts, for example.

The reason I suggest it is that it would be another way to draw the viewer's attention away from who this kid really is, until the final reveal.

And while we're on that subject -- I really want to avoid giving too much away about the surprise in this episode, and when we get around to writing up the synopses for season three to post online, let's not have anything for this episode which refers at all to the fact that this kid is Casey, i.e. "The Turtles try to teach a kid who is strangely familiar" or anything like that.

2.) Re: the following:

"23. APRIL

(to turtles)

At least I’m happy to see you guys.  I was about to make some hot chocolate.  I can easily make enough for four teenage turtles."

I think it sounds odd for April to say "four teenage turtles". And because -- I think -- this scene is supposed to show she is still a little mad at Casey, it might be better if she instead says (with a pointed look at Casey) "I can easily make enough for FIVE."

And when Casey perks up and expects to be part of this hot chocolate party, she could ignore him, then count -- first pointing at the Turtles -- "One, two, three, four..." then point at herself "... five." Then she gives him another look, and she and the Turtles go inside, leaving Casey outside.

3.) Re: the following:

"26. CASEY

Come on, April.  You wasn’t that scared.  You beat the crud out of me."

"You wasn't" sounds too stupid for Casey. Let's just have him say "You weren't".

4.) Re: the following:

"ON – THE FOUR TURTLES AS - Donatello’s ShellCel rings.

30. LEONARDO

It’s probably Casey.

CLOSER ON – DONATELLO answers the ShellCel holding it up to the side of his head …

31. DONATELLO

What up, numbskull?"

"What up, numbskull?" is much more of a Raph or Mikey phrase. And I think it would be funnier if Don answers the phone and "rubs it in" by first loudly slurping his hot chocolate, then saying something like "Mmm--mmm! That's some mighty fine hot chocolate, April!" -- just before the annoying fax-like screech comes over the phone.

5.) Re: the following:

"35. RAPHAEL

Casey is such a bonehead.

36. DONATELLO

Yeah, but, April kicked his sorry be-hind all over that alley."

I would swap who speaks these lines, and have Don say "Casey can be such a bonehead."

6.) Re: the following:

"38. APRIL

I’m okay.  I have to admit the training from Master Splinter did come in pretty handy.  But, Casey caught me by surprise.  I should have heard him coming.  You guys would have.

WIDER ON – THE FOUR TURTLES look at each other.

39. LEONARDO

I guess.  After a while, you get a sixth sense for that."

To reinforce the "teaching" theme of this story, I would suggest changing Leo's line as follows:

"It's something Master Splinter has spent a long time giving us lessons on. After a while -- if you've studied hard enough -- you get a sixth sense for it."

It also just occurred to me that it might be fun to do a story where we actually see Splinter giving April lessons. The line "I've never trained a human before" (spoken by Splinter, of course) just popped into my head.

7.) Re: the following:

"ON – APRIL …

43. APRIL

Could you guys teach me?  To be more aware?

THE FOUR TURTLES are reticent.  Raphael shakes his head.

44. RAPHAEL

No way!"

I think it would be cool if there is a beat after April's line, a moment where the Turtles all look knowingly at one another (all remembering their failure with that young kid, which we will shortly see in flashback)... then Raph could say his line.

8.) Re: the following:

"47. LEONARDO

Yeah, last time we tried to play sensei, it didn’t work out too well."

Leo would say "yes", not "Yeah".

9.) Re: the following:

"49. MICHELANGELO

Raph, that’s no way to tell a story.  Here, let me do it.  [story voice] It was many, many moons ago …

ON – THE WINDOW and the darkness outside … PUSH IN AS …

50. MICHELANGELO (O.C. CONT’D)

… on a night as dark as this …"

I'm up for Mikey starting to tell the story in a humorous way, but this as is is kind of weak. Maybe start it out like this:

MIKE: It was a dark and stormy night... in a galaxy far, far away...

RAPH: Mikey...!

MIKE: Uh... I mean, many moons ago...

10.) Re: the following:

"57. MASTER SPLINTER

You had better hope you never let me catch going out of the sewers!"

There's a "you" missing in this line, but it's awkward anyway -- I would change it to read as follows:

"You had better hope I never catch you going out of the sewers!"

11.) Re: the following:

"68. MICHELANGELO (V.O. CONT’D)

… was destiny … or, actually, it was kid named Arnie that needed help."

I'd prefer that Mike doesn't refer to the kid by name in this line. So it should read:

"68. MICHELANGELO (V.O. CONT’D)

… was destiny … or, actually, it was this kid who needed help."

12.) Not that EVERYTHING in these stories has to be connected, but as I was reading this scene with Arnie and Steve, I had this image in my head of Steve being a young black kid -- who later grows up to be "Silver Sentry"! Is that too much?

13.) Re: the following:

"DOWN LOW AS – Small turtle tot hands (Leo Tot’s) hook a clothesline around the ankle of Teen Roughneck #4 and …

WIDER – Teen Roughneck #4 goes to move forward and TRIPS and falls into Danny McDonough.

99. DANNY MCDONOUGH

Watch it, man.

WIDER STILL – Arnie is on the ground leaning against the dead end wall.  The teen roughnecks and Danny McDonough look down at Arnie.

100. DANNY MCDONOUGH (CONT’D)

Next time, don’t use our street, man. [to roughnecks] Come on, let’s get out of here."

It seems kind of odd that the punks pick this moment to leave Arnie alone -- why don't they continue to harass him? Might it be better if we hear a police siren in the distance (not necessarily coming for these punks, but THEY don't know that), and that causes them to break off their assault?

14.) Re: the following:

"103. DONNY TOT

Dilemma is Greek for "two ideas.""

Is it? I'd never heard that before.

15.) Re: the following:

"104. RAPH TOT

Well, I got two ideas, let’s kick butt and let’s kick butt.  Those creeps are getting away."

Might be cooler if Raph says:

"104. RAPH TOT

Well, I got two ideas, let’s kick butt and let’s take names.  Those creeps are getting away."

16.) Re: the following:

"121. LEO TOT

Train in the ways of martial arts.  I can help you.  I’m something of a … sensei."

I would prefer it if Leo said something like this instead:

"Train in the art of self-defense. I can help you... teach you..."

17.) Re: the following:

"127. SPLINTER

Excellent Michelangelo.  Donatello lift your leg higher the kick.  Enough for now, it is Leonardo’s turn."

Should that read "Donatello, lift your leg higher for the kick"?

18.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER ON – DONATELLO is <SNORING> with his eyes open as he’s pulling ropes that … 

PAN ACROSS/FOLLOW THE ROPES through a series of secret pulleys and disguises and …

THE ROPES GO TO MIKEY TOT’S BED – Mikey Tot isn’t there.  Donatello has rigged a papier-mâché head and a series of rope pulleys and a <RECORDED SNORE> to mimic Mikey in bed where he should be (in an "Escape for Alcatraz" kind of way)."

I'm unclear what exactly the ropes and pulleys are for -- they don't seem to do anything.

19.) Re: the following:

"155. SPLINTER

(to self)

Something is not right.  Michelangelo’s breathing sounds strange.  I should see if he is all right."

The use of the word "right" twice here bothers me a little -- how about if we have Splinter say "I should see if he is ill."

20.) Re: the following:

"LEO TOT calls out to Master Splinter.

156. LEO TOT

Master Splinter, I just had a bad dream and I need a drink of water.

RAPH TOT sits up in his bed.

157. RAPH TOT

Me too, Master Splinter, I need a drink of water.

MASTER SPLINTER turns around in FOREGROUND and in the BACKGROUND, Mikey Tot slips into his bed and stash the papier-mâché head …

158. MIKEY TOT

Me three.  May I please have a glass of water?

Upon hearing Michelangelo’s voice, Splinter turns and looks at Mikey Tot … Splinter’s suspicions fade …

159. SPLINTER

I will go and get three …

160. DONNY TOT

Four, please.

161. SPLINTER

Four glasses of water." 

Wouldn't it make more sense if Don asks for water before Mikey?

21.) Re: the following:

"CLOSER ON - He hurls them like shuriken right at CAMERA and …

ON – THE METAL PLATED DOOR of the rooftop stairway exit as the chess pieces come <ZINGING> in and <STICK> in the door with deadly precision."

WOW!!! The sharpest chess pieces in history! This is terribly silly -- how about having him know over some soda cans or something with the chess pieces?

All in all, a fun episode!

-- Pete