Subj: Comments!
Date: Sunday, March 23, 2003 8:16:50 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
I read three things today -- the first/rough draft of show #28 ("The Trouble With Triceratons"), and the outlines for episodes 30 and 31. Here are my comments...
----------------------------------
"The Trouble With Triceratons"
1.) Pg. 1: Suggest changing Mike's line to "Felt like my shell got put back on backwards!"
2.) Pg. 2: Suggest adding the word "prototype" so Mike's line reads "General Blanque wants his prototype invention; the "Teleportal"." I make this suggestion because I think it's important to make clear here (and elsewhere when appropriate) that Honeycutt's Teleportal is at this point still just a concept.
3.) Pg. 5: Suggest changing Fugitoid's line to read "I believe I know of an establishment where we could hire a pilot to smuggle us off-planet!"
4.) Pg. 7: Suggest adding a line so that General Blanque's tirade reads "Destroy them utterly and completely! Turn their shells into serving trays! But BRING ME THAT FUGITOID!"
5.) Pg. 8: Suggest that instead of Commander Mozar saying "The victory of my people hangs in the balance!", he should say "Victory for my people hangs in the balance!"
Further down on this page, suggest adding to the Fugitoid's line "Um... well, I'm very partial to a D'Hoonnibian Spicy Cheese Disk they serve here." (A beat, as Honeycutt realizes that he doesn't EAT anymore.) "At least... I used to be."
6.) Pg. 13: To further illustrate the sleazy nature of this bar, I suggest that when Raph knocks the Alien Trucker out and the guy hits the floor, what happens next is various small scruffy aliens scurry over and start picking the guy's pockets.
7.) Pg. 14: Because in the kind of spaceport city that Peblak is, there would probably be any number of green-skinned aliens, I suggest changing the Alien Counterman's line to "I'm calling about dat reward, the one for the... "shell-bearing green-skinned life forms."
8.) Pg. Suggest changing Raph and Leo's exchange as follows:
RAPHAEL
We gotta save him. The little 'Toid's our pal now...
LEONARDO
Not to mention our only way home!
Also on this page, there's an "if" that should be an "it" in Raph's line "Great. Somebody left it by the side of the road to die."
9.) Pg. 28: Instead of ripping "it to shreds!", the Triceraton should just TEAR the Turtles' aircar's engine from its mountings and toss it away.
---------------------
Episode 30 outline "The Arena"
1.) Pg. 2: I think we should have part of the audience in the arena be made up of non-Triceraton aliens, and Raz's line can reflect this by changing it to read "Good morning fellow Saurians and guest species..."
2.) Pg. 8 and elsewhere, General Blanque is referred to as a "D'Hoonibian general". It's important to remember that D'Hoonib is just one planet in the Humanoid Federation and Blaqnque is a Federation general.
Also on this page, Traximus refers to uncovering a plot between his top (Triceraton) general and General Blanque, which resulted in his being "imprisoned by his superiors and sent to the arena". How is this supposed to work? As a method of getting Traximus out of the way and out of sight, it seems a bit sketchy... after all, the gladiators in the arena battles are seen all over the vid broadcasts. And if Traximus had indeed exposed a Triceraton traitor who was working with the Federation, wouldn't he be considered a hero? Or is the idea there are so many Triceratons involved in this conspiracy of complicity with the Federation that they are able to silence a whistleblower by shipping him off to the arena? Seems too complicated and not terribly logical. I suggest instead that Traximus was sent to the arena (on charges of sedition or treason?) after speaking out once too often and too loudly against the war with the Federation.
3.) Pg. 10: I think it would be cool if, after the Turtles have fought honorably and valiantly and Prime Leader Zanramon STILL gives them the "thumbs down", the crowd in the arena should -- to his shock and dismay -- loudly BOO the Prime Leader.
--------------------------
Episode 31 outline "Triceraton Wars"
1.) Pg. 2: Suggest changing Don's line to Mike to "That's Mexican standoff, shell-for-brains!"
2.) Pg. 4: Suggest changing the word "fry" to "blast" in Honeycutt's line when he grabs Raph's blaster.
3.) Pg. 6: For the big space confrontation between the Federats and the Triceratons, I think it would be cool to devise a NEW kind of Triceraton asteroid ship which would be loaded with armament (like a battleship).
4.) Pg. 8: More confusion in nomenclature re: "D'Hoonibian" and "Federation".
When Gary and I met with Vinnie this past week, we discussed the Fugitoid as an action figure which I think we all want to see. Vinnie expressed hope that we could do something to add features to the 'Toid to make him as interesting a toy as he can be. To that end, I suggest that we give him the ability (logical given that the Fugitoid's robot body is that of a worker droid) to detach his forearm/hand units and snap on/screw on other "tool" or "weapon" arm units. And this page might be a good place to show this for the first time, when Don and Honeycutt are trying to build Honeycutt's Teleportal. I did some drawings of the Fugitoid with these kinds of replacement units years ago -- I'll see if I can dig those out and send them along.
5.) Pg. 13: When the Turtles and the Fugitoid are swept up in the Utrom's Transmat beam at the end of this episode, several Triceratons and Federats are taken along with them. In the comics, only Triceratons went -- are the Federats necessary? Do we need them in the next episode?
--------------------------
That's all from me for now! I'm psyched about these episodes!
-- Pete
------------------------------------
Subj: CG models
Date: Sunday, March 30, 2003 9:46:34 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
Just remembered something I wanted to mention.
The CG model of the Battle Shell vehicle, rendered with cartoon shaders, has been used to very good effect in the new TMNT show, and I think we should seriously consider doing something similar in the second season, specifically for some of the vehicles and spaceships in the "Turtles in Space" arc.
I think it would add quite a bit to the verisimilitude of the settings if we had CG models for (in decreasing order of importance and desirability):
1-- Triceraton asteroid ships (including arena ship and giant homeworlds "mothership")
2-- Triceraton aircars and flying rigs
3-- Turtles' beat-up aircar
4-- Federat hover tanks
5-- Triceraton and Federat warships
It also just occurred to me that it might be worth considering animating the Fugitoid as a CG model, too.
Just a thought!
-- Pete
-----------------------
Subj: comments on Ep. 27 final draft
Date: Sunday, March 30, 2003 6:08:16 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
Lloyd,
I'm reading Episode 27/Final draft right now. Henceforth, comments (if I have any!):
1.) I can't recall if this line was in any previous drafts, but if it was I'm surprised it got by me. It's the Fugitoid's line as follows:
"Just because he’s the head of the entire Federation, he thinks he can call any time he wants. "
The "he" the 'Toid is referring to is General Blanque, and Blanque isn't (or at least we never intended him to be) leader of the entire Federation... but rather an important leader in that part of the Federation. I would suggest changing this as follows:
"Just because he’s the head of the Federation military in this sector, he thinks he can call any time he wants."
2.) Minor detail point which might not need to be incorporated into this draft of the script but possibly at storyboarding time -- on page 25, when Blanque is telling Lonae (and the audience) about Honeycutt's Teleportal (via a display on a screen), I think it would be good to have the words "Teleportal Protoype Design" somewhere in there, to reinforce my point expressed in a previous email that the Teleportal does not yet exist anywhere BUT in Honeycutt's mind. (The Utrom's transmat is a different story.)
3.) Another minor, but possibly telling, point (in several parts): Are we legally safe in calling the political entity that Blanque represents "the Federation"? I assume that Paramount (STAR TREK) does not own those words, but I could be wrong. If it is at all sketchy, legally, I suggest calling it the "Humanoid Federation", which would accomplish two things: one, separate us from STAR TREK's "Federation", and two, emphasize a point which we were trying to make, somewhat subtly, back when we did the original FUGITOID comic... which was to make the bad guys -- or at least one set of them, the other set being the Triceratons --(apparently) human. We did this because the typical thing in science fiction is to make human=good, nonhuman=bad, and we wanted to set that concept on its ear (at least in part).
4.) I make this suggestion only to enhance a scene, and I know it isn't necessary -- when on page 36 the Triceraton shows Lonae the precious gems which will be hers in payment for betraying the Federation, I thought it might be nice if she says something brief about them to reinforce the idea that whatever it is that the Triceratons are paying her, it's substantial AND incredibly alluring. One idea -- she sees them and says in a voice equally weighted with greed and awe "Gnarthian Pleasure Gems -- enough for a lifetime --!" (or something of that nature).
-------------------------------
And here's some comments on Episode 28 second draft:
1.) On page 5, Mikey has been given the Fugitoid's line about finding a ship which can smuggle them out (which I suggested in previous notes changing to "smuggle them off-planet". I still think the "off-planet" works better, and I don't think giving Mikey the line makes much sense -- as Mike has almost no clue as to where he is, and the Fugitoid DOES. From Mikey's perspective, for all he knows getting out of the city OR off-planet might makes things WORSE, not better.
2.) On page 9, in line 27, is there any particular reason that Mozar calls Honeyuctt's device a "Transportal" rather than a "Teleportal"?
3.) I'm quite disturbed that my suggestion from my last notes, as follows:
"9.) Pg. 28: Instead of ripping "it to shreds!", the Triceraton should just TEAR the Turtles' aircar's engine from its mountings and toss it away."
... has not only been ignored, but the whole bit with the Triceraton tearing the engine out (OR to pieces!) has been completely taken out, and a new -- and really slapstickilly silly -- bit has been added with Don doing a "Mayday!" call on a disconnected (!) microphone. Exactly who is he calling in a "Mayday!" distress call to -- the Federats? the Triceratons?
That's it!
-- Pete
No comments:
Post a Comment