Blast from the Past #429: comments on premise for Ep. 96 "The Trouble With Augie"

Subj: comments on premise for Ep. 96
Date: Friday, September 10, 2004 1:05:45 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

 Lloyd,


     Here are my comments on the Ep. 96 premise.


     1.) Re: the following:

"Taking extra precautions by using a large dumpster that Donny has rigged for mobility, the turtles enter April’s place from the back … bringing some of the dumpster stink with them."

     I am wondering what "rigged for mobility" means. Are we saying here that the Turtles are inside the Dumpster and are driving it to April's shop? THAT surely won't attract the attention of anyone who might be watching the shop! And once they arrive in the Dumpster, don't they have to get out of it? Won't they be seen then? I think we need to find another way to get the Turtles to and from the shop -- maybe there is a way underground, perhaps a hidden tunnel that they have dug. Or maybe they hide in plain sight -- coming in through the front door in some roughly human disguises/outfits.
     And the "dumpster stink" gag is lame.

     2.) Re: the following:

"As they are about to activate the artifact, April remembers the compass!  She grabs it and they SWOOOSHHH through dimensions!"

     It's good that April remembers "the" compass, but how does she (and we) know what compass Augie is referring to in his "email from beyond" message? His "...compass..." message seems pretty generic on the surface of it.


     3.) Re: the following:

"And, now that Donatello and April are here with the compass, all that will be possible.  It’ll be a cinch to pinpoint earth’s dimension and travel there unhindered."

     I'm starting to lose it here. How can this incredibly sophisticated and powerful super computer be capable of sending email to Earth across the dimensions, yet can't locate Earth without the aid of a... compass??!!?? This is getting really silly.
     And doesn't it seem like there should be some more reaction from April and Augie when they are reunited, and also some kind of reaction from Augie when he meets Don for the first time? It all seems so blase.

     4.) Re: the following:

"Matters only get worse when one of the dwarves takes the compass from Augie.


Our heroes catch up with this dwarf in the big computer room.  He’s asked the computer to scan the compass.


NOTE: This will allow us to bring these dwarves back in the future as the mega computer could be able to help them recreate the device (artifact) and the compass (and the location of dimension earth) and thus travel to our world.


But, just as our heroes are about to be surrounded by thousands of angry dwarves, Augie, Donatello and April manage to use the artifact and the compass to SHOOOSH out of there!"

     And it gets even sillier! How is scanning the COMPASS supposed to allow the computer to recreate the artifact? Makes no sense. Also, why don't the "warrior dwarves" just take the compass from April and Don by overwhelming force when they show up? Why all of this time-wasting "Let's party" nonsense? Unless these dwarf characters get a LOT more interesting as this episode develops, I for one don't want to seem them again.


     5.) Re: the following:

"Arriving back at April’s apartment … where Robyn, who’s just waking up, sees them arrive … and sees Uncle Augie and a four foot tall green mutant ninja turtle!  She faints!


When she’s revived, she sees only April and Uncle Augie, who’s just back from “...living in the jungles of Borneo … ahem, ahem.”  Both assure Robyn that she was dreaming about the big, green turtle, who just so happens to be clandestinely peeking in through the window with a big, turtley grin.  And, we fade away …"

     The fainting gag worked for when April first met the Turtles -- she was really stressed out and exhausted by running from all the mousers that had chased her and tried to kill her, and she had just met THREE of these Turtles and they TALKED to her -- but here it is just silly and pointless.


     6.) One idea that just came to me which might make this weak story a little more interesting (to me at least) and add a fun twist to it: The dwarves are planning to invade/conquer/plunder Earth (actually, if they have the Artifact -- not this stupid compass -- and get the computer to figure out how to use it, couldn't they plunder ANY dimension, no just ours?), and give the artifact to the super computer to scan and analyze. But... what they (and we) don't understand up to that point is that it's the super computer which is calling the shots -- IT wanted to get its "hands" on the Artifact, because what it wants to do is get rid of these annoying invaders (the dwarves) who are cluttering up its beautiful city and disturbing it from what it wants to do (ponder the mysteries of the universe). And once it possesses and understands how to use the Artifact, it uses the Artifact's power to zap all of those annoying dwarves... somewhere. (Maybe to another dimension, maybe to the bottom of an ocean, maybe out into deep space... we'll leave it to the imagination.) Then it sends April, Don and Augie home.


     -- Pete

Blast from the Past #428: September 8, 2004: comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") first draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") first draft
Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2004 12:54:29 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 92 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"INT. TURTLE’S LAIR – DEEP UNDERGROUND – CONT’D
ON - MICHELANGELO.  Mikey is on a couch reading a comic book.  The title of the comic book is: Toxic Zombie Monkey.  In the background we hear the sounds of blade striking blade and then hear Splinter sounding concerned.  Upon hearing this statement of Leo’s Mikey looks up from his reading and cocks an arched eyebrow and points his eyes in the direction of the O.C. statement (but without turning his head).


SPLINTER (O.C.)
Even the unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear."

Two things here. FIrst, what "statement of Leo's" is Mikey hearing? His voiceover from the preview? That would be very weird.  I don't see any other statement from Leo. Maybe something is missing.
Second, Splinter's line doesn't need the "even", because as far as I know, it's ONLY unopened bottles that burst under too much internal pressure. So I would take out "even".


2.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (O.C.)
That is especially true for we five.  We are family.  Family, my son… family.  We must be open with one another…."

Repeating the word family three times in two lines is a bit much. I would just take out that "Family, my son... family" line.

3.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
He is an ancient, wise, skilled and learned master who rarely takes on new pupils.  He is the sensei to my sensei, Hamato Yoshi.  "

Would it make more sense/read better if "is" was changed to "was" in this line as follows:


"He was the sensei to my sensei, Hamato Yoshi."

4.) This is not absolutely necessary, but I thought it might be cool if, when Leo is getting ready to leave on his journey, he is also given an old trench coat and hat (much like Raph had in the first TMNT movie and how we have sometimes disguised the Turtles in the comics) -- and maybe this gift should come from April and/or Casey (I was thinking that is would be nice to have them in this scene).
Another idea -- which might be handy to cut down on the amount of time we need to show Leo sneaking his way halfway across the planet, along with all the niggling and problematic issues of HOW he is able to do this without being caught -- would be as follows: Instead of Mikey giving Leo a graphic novel (not that that's a bad idea), he waits until everybody else has given  their gifts and then he reveals his -- he asks Leo to follow him up to roof level, and suddenly SIlver Sentry arrives! Mike's gift to Leo is to have Silver Sentry fly him to Asia (not all the way to the land of the Ancient One, but at least to that continent).


5.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (V.O. – FADING OUT)
... where you must pass through “the snowmen’s notch.” "

Because of the way the Yeti "snowmen" guards are written (which I like), I wonder if it might be fun -- and at this point kind of weird and mysterious -- to add one word to Splinter's line as follows:

"SPLINTER (V.O. – FADING OUT)
... where you must pass through “the laughing snowmen’s notch.” "

6.) Given that "the Stinky One" farts a lot, I wonder if we could work one of our favorite phrases for farts -- "The Evil Wind" -- into some of his lines. (Reading further, I see that is IS mentioned at least once.)


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I have some dried fruit, some peanut butter, chocolate—
THE STINKY ONE
Chocolate?!  Gimme chocolate!  Gimme now!"

When I read these lines, I immediately thought of the classic ad campaign for Reese's peanut butter candies -- remember the "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" "You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!"? -- and thought it might be fun for Stinky to demand both Leo's peanut butter and chocolate, mash them together into a disgusting mess, gobble it down, then sigh contentedly and say something like "Ahh... peanut butter AND chocolate...!"


8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (O.C.)
 Jeez!  You’re unbelievable!
CUT to show Leonardo and the Stinky One seated on the ground around a small campfire.  The campfire is the only source of light, giving us stark moody flickering lighting.  The area around them, here at the base of the rock formation, is sandy.
THE STINKY ONE
You a talking green monkey frog and you call me unbelievable.  You stupid.
LEONARDO
Turtle.  I’m a turtle, not a frog."

Two things. First, would Leo say "Jeez!"? (A corruption of "Jesus" as we all know.) I think it would work fine without it.
Second, when Leo says that he's a turtle, not a frog, maybe he should also say "And I'm not a monkey, either."


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #427: September 7, 2004: comments on Ep. 91 ("Samurai Tourist") second draft and comments on Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son") outline

Subj: comments on Ep. 91 ("Samurai Tourist") second draft
Date: Tuesday, September 7, 2004 10:12:52 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my very brief comments on Ep. 91 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*CLOSE ON A LIT CANDLE as it crosses into and out of the frame – the candle is suspended from a swinging rope (the rope is tied to the ring handle of an old school candleholder).  As it comes back into frame like a pendulum, a KATANA slices through the frame, cutting the wick and extinguishing the flame."

Just to be absolutely clear on how this is going to look -- due to the offset position of the ring handles that the ropes are tied to, these candles will be hanging at an angle, rather than straight up and down, right? Which actually works better for slicing the wicks without slicing the ropes.


2.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
…and there was nothing I could do.  Master Splinter was burned… The Shredder broke Raph’s back… Mikey’s legs… Don’s arm… all I could do was watch."

Because these lines are still in the script, even though I questioned whether or not these injuries actually happened in my last notes, I have to assume that someone has checked and these things DID happen. I guess my memory is failing me -- I remember Splinter being burned (by the Sword of Tengu, right?), but not the other stuff. Can you point me toward the episode(s) in which these things happened?




-- Pete

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Subj: comments on Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son") outline
Date: Tuesday, September 7, 2004 11:12:56 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 94 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles layer, or what’s left of it, is dark and cold."

Perhaps the weirdest misspelling yet -- "layer" for "lair"! (And it's repeated again later several times.)


2.) Re: the following:

"With solid, precise, moves, Leo springs forward with in attack …


… and instead of kicks and punches, he is using finger jabs (that look like doing the death touch) and strange looking chops and tosses.


Using little effort but devastating his attackers, energy strikes, Chi, etc.  Before they can get a shot in-they are defeated.  Leo holds one of them to his feet."

Conceptually, this is cool. But I have to confess to some trepidation about what it is going to look like in animation, as it has the distinct potential to look REALLY goofy. When I first read this, for some reason I thought "Three Stooges".


3.) Re: the following:

"Casey Jones is in one of his very secret hideouts (the place is a mess, cluttered with all kinds of sports equipment/vigilante gear).  Leo creeps in –ninja style-


Casey is first annoyed that Leo has indeed found one of his most secret places, then he is very worried and angered when Leo gives him news of the layer and disappearance of others."

Huh? This is an odd new concept -- Casey Jones has "secret hideouts"? I don't quite see the point.


4.) Re: the following:

"She removes her robe, as it drops reveal her new streamline Shredder Armor.  She holds her right arm out strait.  A sword blade –pops- out, she drops into a fighting stance.  "

It's "straight", not "strait". And I'm not sure I'm loving the idea that swords can pop out of the armor. It seems silly and pointless.


5.) Re: the following:

" As Leo, with his skill begins to take the advantage Karai is knocked back.  A small hatch opens on her suit, three dart/knife projectiles launch toward Leo- he grabs a book from a shelf, with one hand holding it up as a shield, he moves his hand (and the book) absorbing all three darts. "

I'm not loving this dart idea, as it seems to me to open the door to all kinds of goofy, ludicrous weapons systems built into Karai's new Shredder armor. 


6.) Re: the following:

"As the epic fight continues and Leo edges in closer, Karai does a –pole vault- off the staff, blades (similar to the ones in her arms, but shorter) –pop- from her feet."

Ugh... sword blades popping out of her feet? Ugh...


7.) Re: the following:

"A close up as Karai -flings- her right arm down, the signature Shredder claw -pops- out.  (maybe hers is longer and more feminine looking).  It crackles with a blue electricity. "

Ugh. I'm starting to hate this new "super gizmofied" Shredder armor. Why can't it just be a sleek and deadly suit of bladed armor, like the original?


8.) Re: the following:

"Angered, embarrassed, she flips up a panel on her suit, touching a button.  An alarm sounds in the library, she speaks into the arm piece, “Security to the Library”.  "

Ugh. Is there an iPod built into it too? Is Karai the new Inspector Gadget?


9.) Re: the following:

"He tosses the sword, like a boomerang, toward her.  It flies through the air passing her.  We see a cut a across frame.  We then see the motionless statue of her father.  Slowly the head starts to slide off- a clean cut across the neck."

This is REALLY silly. Throwing a sword "like a boomerang"? Please. If Leo's going to cut off the statue's head with his sword, let him do it in a realistic way.


10.) Re: the following:

"Later, back at the new lair, Leo arrives home to join his brothers.  He carries his backpack (from the preview).  He’s brought some of their favorite food, some comics for Mikey, and presents Splinter the new walking stick.  


They all climb to the top of their new lair; it has a rooftop observation area looking out over the city skyline, a place for Splinter to meditate under the stars, a contrast to being “underground”."

How big IS this new place, if they can be on top of it and look out OVER the city skyline? And maybe I'm not seeing something, but aren't they going to be in plain view on top of this thing? I need to see some designs pronto... this location is starting to feel pretty dopey.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #426: September 2, 2004: Re: FW: Premise for 95 ("Outbreak") and September 3, 2004: Re: FW: Premise for 95 and Re: Stuff

Subj: Re: FW: Premise for 95 ("Outbreak")
Date: Thursday, September 2, 2004 12:22:54 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 95 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Having gathered anything they want to salvage, the turtles move out … only to find themselves facing a mutated cockroach twice the size of a man and very dangerous.


This is the creature that attacked/absconded with the utility worker earlier.


The turtles fight well …


… but Don gets severely racked by sharp “claws” of the roach and is “infected” … although we don’t know it yet (this will lead to infection and eventually mutation over the course of the rest of the season)."

As I suggested in a previous email about this idea, I would like it to be Raph who gets infected/mutated, as it would be a cool way to tie in with the current Mirage comic book.


2.) Re: the following:

"The turtles return with their “treasures” from the old lair and start to fix up the new lair (the castle-esque structure near the reservoir in Central Park)."

I really think that a total break from the old lair and its contents is in order here. After all, didn't Karai tell her minions to destroy everything in the old lair when they invaded it? Why would they leave anything salvageable? I think we're also missing some potential storytelling opportunities where we show how the Turtles find new stuff for their new home.


3.) Re: the following:

"Down in the sewers, the downed giant cockroach twitches and then gets up and moves away.


It comes upon another of its kind and another.  These two new “brethren” see the wounds of the giant cockroach that the turtles fought and then leap upon it in utter savagery as we fade away …"

Other than showing how nasty these cockroaches are, is there any reason for this scene? It seems somehow oddly out of place, unless it is there for a specific reason, i.e. to set something up for later.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: FW: Premise for 95 ("Outbreak")
Date: Friday, September 3, 2004 11:25:39 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 9/2/04 12:46:24 PM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

Hi Pete –
  
 I wanted to ask you to reconsider your note about making it be Raph that gets infected rather than Don.  I think it’d be much more interesting to have Donatello be the turtle we turn in to a raging beast.  It’s so completely against his nature, so unlike anything we could ever do with him under normal circumstances.  It’s that much more of a surprise.  Also, if we make it Raph and not Don, then Don is handily available to solve the problem  - - we kind of lose the drama of the fact that the person who the Turtles would normally turn to now is the problem!
  
 No one loves tying stuff back to the comic more than I do, but in this case, dramatically, making Don the monster would work better.
  
 Anyway, that my two cents!
  
 Lemme know,
  
 Lloyd

Lloyd,


I'm not married to the idea of making it Raph instead of Don -- my main issue is to connect it to the comic and to use the design Jim came up with. Okay, I confess -- I want an action figure that looks like that!


To address your comments:


-- I agree that becoming a raging beast is very un-Donlike. However, it's also very un-Mikeylike. Maybe it should be Mikey who becomes the raging beast -- that might be just as shocking (or more so). Actually, it's very un-Splintelrike too! Hmmm....


-- I also agree that if it were Raph and not Don who turns into the raging beast, the others would likely turn to Don to find a cure. BUT... what if they did, and -- he couldn't find one? I think we could get wuite a bit of emotional content out of a situation where the Turtle with all the answers comes up short when it counts the most. That could be a real learning experience for Don.


As I said, I'm not married to my idea. I think it would work well either way.


-- Pete




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Subj: Re: Stuff
Date: Friday, September 3, 2004 2:31:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 9/2/04 1:02:38 PM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

Hey Pete!
  
 Me again!  A couple of quick thingies:
  
• The audio on the interview you watched was an UNMIXED rough cut.  All audio will be fixed, music will be added, etc., just like the other videos.>>

Cool. I was also expecting to see that early San Diego photo of me and Stan, which I had scanned and sent to 4Kids, but it wasn't in there, as far as I can tell. No biggie.

<< • Re: episode 85, you did not comment on the new Turtles’ lair.  I know that there isn’t much info in the outline as yet, but I do think having the new lair below Belvedere Castle in Central Park is a pretty sweet spot.  We’re thinking that there is an old, abandoned waterworks station down there (along the lines we discussed)>>

I have no problem with the concept of the new lair, though I have yet to see any artwork for/of it.

<< Re: the mutated creatures in 95, do you have any specific ideas or creatures you’d like to see?  I was a bit disappointed by the cockroaches.  I don’t see them as scary enough.  But regardless, we’ll need more than one type of mutant if this is really gonna be an outbreak, so any ideas are welcome!>>

What if the cockroach had the (now messed-up, weird looking) head of the guy who was dragged into the tunnels in the beginning of the show (the city worker)? I don't have a lot of ideas for mutants, but it might be fun to play with different types of bugs -- cockroaches and spiders get the most attention, usually, but what about silverfish, sow bugs, ants, ticks (ew!), and earwigs, to name a few? And combinations of bugs with mammals might be fun -- rats, squirrels, dogs, cats, and even humans. How about a cop's horse? Then we have birds and fish and reptiles...


Maybe there is an overall goal for these mutants, and the goal could be gaining intelligence, which they are doing by assimilating various life forms (the top of the line subjects being luckless humans, of course)? Actually, I just had a thought -- did we destroy the underground city of the Y'Lyntians? Because if we didn't, it might be cool to have these weird mutants eventually migrate there and repopulate it. Or maybe we could bring back Garbageman (!!!) who wants to try to use these mutants to be his new band of slaves.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #425: August 24, 2004: comments on Ep. 90 ("All Hallows Thieves") first draft, and August 31, 2004: Re: TMNT - 91 ("Samurai Tourist") 1st draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 90 ("All Hallows Thieves") first draft
Date: Tuesday, August 24, 2004 12:19:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments (not many) on Ep. 90 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL (V.O.) CONT.
A day when girls and boys all over the city dress as their favorite monsters and hero’s and get free candy."

Minor point, but "hero's" should be spelled "heroes" here.


2.) Re: the following:

"They stop quickly on the tips of their feet (Like a character running up to the edge of a cliff) looking at the chaos all around them."

Another minor point -- I don't know why, exactly, but this line stopped me when I read it. I think it's probably because it has the whiff of "cartoon physics", and trying to visualize what this would look like, I think the Turtles would look really silly stopping "quickly on the tips of their feet (Like a character running up to the edge of a cliff)". I don't see the point of this specific direction -- I mean, they run out a building and stop short. Do we need more than that? Or maybe I'm being too literal.


3.) Re: the following:

"Just then, like a linebacker sacking a quarterback, Raphael rushes in from off screen tackling the large beasts around the waste."

That should be "waist", not "waste".


4.) There seems to be a comma deficit in this script, especially in lines of dialogue, but rather than waste time pointing out each example, I'll assume that the voice actors will know when to pause when they deliver their lines.


FYI, I haven't gotten anything new from 4Kids in the last few days.


-- Pete

------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT - 91 ("Samurai Tourist") 1st draft
Date: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 3:50:00 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 91 first draft, a very fun episode.


1.) Re: the following:

"USAGI
The path we walk in life is different for each of us."

There's something odd about the grammar in this line. I would suggest changing it to read as follows:

"USAGI
The paths we walk in life are different for each of us."

2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON A LIT CANDLE as it crosses into and out of the frame – the candle is suspended from a swinging rope.  As it comes back into frame like a pendulum, a KATANA slices through the frame, cutting the wick and extinguishing the flame."

I like the general idea of this, but I'm wondering how, practically speaking, this can be done. How is the candle oriented -- vertically or horizontally? How is it attached to a swinging rope so that its wick can be sliced off without the rope also being cut? Maybe there is a simple solution to this design problem that I can't see for some reason. Anyway, maybe instead of a rope, the candle could be on a candleholder attached to a pole which is spring-mounted to the floor, so that when released it would bob and weave erratically.
And reading on, I just realized that there are MORE candles on ropes. Hmmm...

3.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (OC)
I’d be training, too, but, you know… it’s comic book day."

A small change -- but maybe Mike should say:

"MICHELANGELO (OC)
I’d be training, too, but, you know… it’s new comic book day."

4.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Maybe YOU need your butt kicked too, jarhead."

Because "jarhead" is usually used specifically in reference to a Marine or someone who looks like one (i.e. close-cropped, buzz-cut hair), maybe "bonehead" would be more appropriate here.


5.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (OC)
I think all of you should just lay off the poor guy… it ain’t easy bein’ Leo."

I think Mike would not use "ain't" or "bein'" here -- they are more Raph-type words -- so his line should read as follows:

MICHELANGELO (OC)
I think all of you should just lay off the poor guy… it's not easy being Leo.

6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be up so early after last night.  Up for some sparring?"

Rather than use "up" twice in such close proximity, perhaps it would be better like this:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be awake so early after last night.  Up for some sparring?"

7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be up so early after last night.  Up for some sparring?


ON USAGI – he smiles.
USAGI
I am surprised you are able to lift your swords, Leonardo-san… you seem to be carrying such a large weight since last we met.


CLOSE ON LEO, his expression dark.
LEONARDO
Someone has to carry it."

I know what is being attempted here, and it is necessary, but this line of Usagi's is kind of awkward. The connection between the weight of his katanas and the weight of responsibility doesn't really work, to my way of thinking.  I would eliminate it, and restructure this scene perhaps as follows:

"LEONARDO
Usagi!  I didn’t think anyone would be awake so early after last night.


ON USAGI – he smiles.
USAGI
I wanted to speak with you alone, Leonardo-san.  It seems to me that since we last met, you have chosen to shoulder an oppressive burden...


CLOSE ON LEO, his expression dark.
LEONARDO
Someone has to carry it.


ON USAGI – he looks up at Leo, taking in that comment.  


LEO
Up for some sparring?


After a moment, Usagi rises and draws his katana."

8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
…and there was nothing I could do.  Master Splinter was burned… The Shredder broke Raph’s back… Mikey’s legs… Don’s arm… all I could do was watch."

I'm a little confused. When did the Shredder do all this to the other Turtles? I don't recall this litany of injuries. 


9.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
We should have explained the dangers of our world to Gennosuke more clearly…  He is in grave danger!"

Using the word "danger" twice in one line bugs me, and saying that Gen IS in "grave danger" seems a bit much -- I mean, he COULD be, but why would Splinter think he DEFINITELY is? Maybe it should read as follows:

"SPLINTER
We should have explained the dangers of our world to Gennosuke more clearly…  He could find himself in grave peril!"

10.) Maybe Casey should wave a hot dog at Gen to help induce him to get on the motorcycle.


11.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE – CAMERA TRACKS TWO IRON SPIKES/SHURIKEN IN FLIGHT
ON MIKEY – his hands on the rails of the ladder.
MICHELANGELO
Oh, right.  Sorry, I-
<THOK!> <THOK!>  The iron spikes dig into the brick rooftop, right where the ladder is attached to the brick.  Surprised, Mikey looks down at the spikes - and ladder SEPARATES from the wall.  Still holding on, Mikey and Raph begin falling back. "

If I'm reading this right, Kojima's spikes/shurikens have just cut away a metal ladder from a brick wall. Does that sound silly to anyone else? Maybe it would be a little more believable if Kojima threw some kind of grappling hook and line and pulled the ladder (perhaps old and rusty already) from the wall.

12.) Re: the following:

"USAGI
Leonardo… Tread carefully.  Kojima is a legend on my world… an assassin and weaponsmaster without equal. "

It's a small point, but I think "IN my world" would be better thatn "ON my world".


13.) Re: the following:

"ON LEO – katana in hand, he PUNCHES INTO CAMERA, using the handle of his blade like brass knuckles."

I confess to being baffled as to how Leo can use "the handle of his blade like brass knuckles", as brass knuckles go OUTSIDE the user's fingers/fist, not INSIDE, as the handle of the sword would have to be. Unless I'm missing something.




-- Pete

Blast from the Past #424: August 19, 2004: Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son") premise

Subj: Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son") premise
Date: Thursday, August 19, 2004 12:54:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 94 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo tries to question this Foot Ninja, but the loyal Foot soldier breaks free runs himself into a wall knocking himself out rather than betray “the Shredder.”"

I think this would work better if the Foot ninja knocks himself out by slamming his head really hard into the wall (or post) that Leo is holding him up against. It just seems that if he actually got free from Leo's grasp, he would try to escape rather than knock himself out.


2.) Re: the following:

"Leo then discretely contacts April (have to come up with something that shows he in no way is endangering her), only to learn that everyone’s still missing – none of the others have contacted her.  Leo starts to freak.


Next, in montage, we see Leo do his stealth thing across the city (he should be amazingly slick – slicker than we’ve ever seen the Turtles be before), tracking leads, looking for clues.


He examines the ruins of the lair and …


…notices the ShellSub has been launched …
… that a new exit was punched through one of the lair walls …
… that the BattleShell was taken before the warehouse blew, etc.)."

The order of things here is a little confusing. I think Leo should first check out the lair, THEN start his search. 


3.) Re: the following:

"As he makes his stealthy trek across the city, he is stopped dead in his tracks when he spies the newly restored Foot Skyscraper Headquarters.


He sees the illuminated Foot symbol and the grander, restored Shinto Palace.


His eyes narrow as he inspects the Oroku Saki Memorial Library!"

Not sure if something is missing here, but the implication is that the Oroku Saki Memorial Library is right next to the restored Foot HQ. Is this so... and if so, does it make sense?? I see later on that:

"Meanwhile, after hours in the Oroku Saki Memorial Library, Karai enters through the back (which is connected directly to some portion of the Foot Building)."

... but I still have to ask -- does it make sense? For that scene, it doesn't seem to be necessary. Is a close proximity of this library to the Foot HQ a setup for something down the road? If not, I think it should probably be sited elswhere.


4.) Re: the following:

"Then, as tension builds, Karai and Leo will fight.  Karai drops her robes revealing herself in her new armor!  "

I'm not sure how this is going to look -- are we saying here that Karai is wearing full Shredder armor (obviously minus the helmet) under her robes? Won't that armor be kind of obvious, even under the robes, with all the blades and such? Maybe we should give Karai a new kind of Shredder suit -- one where the blades lie flat along the armor pieces, then flip up into fighting positions when needed.


5.) Re: the following:

"Later, Leo returns to new Central Park lair with a few odds and ends.  A laptop computer for Don, a punching bag for Raph, some comics for Mikey, and a new walking stick for Splinter.


The last item in his cart he unveils is a new “Lair Sweet Lair” sign, hand-painted but very homey."

Except for the new "Lair Sweet Lair" sign, I still think all this other stuff is too much. The image of Leo pushing a cart with all this stuff in it just seems really goofy to me, for some reason.
However, it does make me think about how quickly we should have the Turtles "restock" their stuff in the new lair. My gut feeling is that we should take it fairly slow -- for example, Don should not have the big "video wall" up and running for quite some time, if ever.
I'm not sure if the intention of the writer with this bit was to say that Leo had gotten (salvaged) these things in his "cart" from the trashed lair, or if they were new items that he picked up elsewhere. I think it's a fairly important dramatic bit to establish that the old lair was COMPLETELY trashed... it's one of the reasons I objected to Splinter snatching up the TCRI canister and the Yoshi holo-gizmo when they were escaping a few episodes ago. I think that we should have a totally new start here.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #423: August 13, 2004 Re: Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") outline, Ep. 93 ("Samurai Tourist") premise, first draft of Ep. 88 ("Dragons Rising"), and Ep. 89 ("Still Nobody") first draft

Subj: Ep. 92 outline
Date: Friday, August 13, 2004 12:25:50 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 92 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"Leo (V.O. Narration):  “I’ve traveled hundreds of miles… thousands of miles, looking for an answer….”"

I feel that the "hundreds of miles" part is superfluous here. I would take it out.


2.) Re: the following:

"Leo (V.O. Cont’d):  “…leaving me to fight for both our lives … and doesn’t look good!” "

The last part of this line sounds a little off -- was there supposed to be an "it" between "and" and "doesn't"? In any event, I would probably prefer to end the line with an exclamation point after "lives".


3.) Re: the following:

"He tells Leo that there is but one master in the entire world with whom Leo can train."

A small point, but -- given that Splinter, while wise and knowledgeable, is not omniscient -- perhaps Splinter should tell Leo that as far as HE knows, "... there is but one master in the entire world with whom Leo can train."


4.) Re: the following:

"And we see a montage of images (in this order): of Leo stowing away on a freight steamer (he wears a full backpack) berthed at a Manhattan pier, of Leo looking out across the passing moonlit ocean surface, sneaking through the shadows of an Asian port city, hiking along jungle trails, past remote mountaintop lakes and ancient Japanese temples, ever closer towards the distant snowcapped peaks of a mountain range, and all the while we hear Splinter’s voice, telling Leo how to travel, where to go, and how to find the mystical door that will lead to the land wherein the Master Sage’s mountaintop retreat can finally be found."

I like this, and it will be a cool little sequence if (when) animated properly. Couple of things: "Ancient Japanese temples" are mentioned. Now, those kinds of structures look cool, but are we saying that this adventure takes place in Japan? I kind of thought we were implying it was in Tibet or Mongolia of something. The reason I bring this up is that I believe at the end of this fourth season we have Splinter telling the boys that they are heading for Japan, which is cool and exciting, and I wonder if having Leo go there in this episode might make that trip less unique.
Which actually raises another question in my mind -- while the "world travel" scenario sketched out in the above paragraph is cool, I wonder if it is really necessary for Leo to leave the continent? In other words, couldn't this sensei be anywhere (especially if at some point you have to pass through a "mystical door" to get to him)? Like on the opposite coast, perhaps somewhere in Alaska? It might be a little bit more believable that Leo could make his way in ninja stealth across the US and Canada than across the world. Also, his journey wouldn't take as long. Just a thought. (The "Yetis" could be Bigfeet!)
Also, might it not be fun to take a few seconds to have the other Turtles -- who would be concerned for Leo -- giving him a little send-off? They could each offer words of encouragement in their own inimitable fashions, Mikey could give him some special trail mix (Oreos, Doritos, and M&M's), etc.


5.) Re: the following:

"He passes cairn after cairn, the cairns and day blurring together and then the day rapidly fading when he suddenly walks past what looks like just another rock cairn… but after passing it he hears what sounds like a loud slow fart coming from behind him. "

Hey, I think it's funny -- but can we really get away with farting on Saturday morning?


-- Pete

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Subj: Ep. 93 premise
Date: Friday, August 13, 2004 12:42:55 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 93 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"The Foot Ninja (in redesigned Foot Ninja garb) are better, faster, and more skilled than ever before.  These are Karai’s Foot Ninja!"

This made me wonder -- what about the Shredder Elite? Are they no longer in the picture?


2.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles are overwhelmed, too stunned to mount a defense.  "

I know what the writer is trying to say here, but as I pointed out in earlier notes, it is literally not true that they are "too stunned to mount a defense". They DO mount a defense -- it's just not a great one, and it leads to them having to vacate the lair in the face of overwhelming force. If they were in fact "too stunned to mount a defense", they would be defeated.


3.) Re: the following:

"Don tries to pull his battered master away and into the ShellSub, but not before Splinter can grab the TCRI canister and the orb the Utroms gave him that holds memories of master Yoshi. "

As I suggested in earlier notes: "This seems a little forced. And maybe these things SHOULD be destroyed, to emphasize the devastating nature of the attack. I can't think of any reason, story-wise, that we would need either of these objects in the future. It might be good to trash them." Given the desperate nature of this battle and the odds they are up against, it really does seem a trifle odd that Splinter would waste time and risk their lives for these things.


4.) Re: the following:

"Mike, with Klunk, manages to escape by attacking with the TurtleTunneler.  He charges one of the Shreddnaughts, but really he’s just making himself a new exit.  When the Shreddnaught peels the Tunneler open, he finds that it’s empty. "

Again, from previous notes: "Given that the Tunneler is outfitted with disintegrator beams which can carve through solid rock, I think it could be used as a pretty devastating weapon, and I think we should show Mikey doing just that, before the Tunneler get  trashed. He should take out one of the Shrednaughts with it."


5.) Re: the following:

"We cut back to the lair in ruins.  Karai calls to Chaplin to make sure her teams hunt the Turtles down.  Karai then turns to her Shrednaughts and orders them to tear the place down – leave nothing standing. "

It just occurred to me as I read this again that when the lair is demolished, the mysterious Y'Lyntian elevator will surely be revealed... and would Karai be intrigued by this strange technology? She might want to salvage it and learn its secrets, and maybe that could lead to another "Underground" tale (or another encounter with the Avians), but this time getting Karai and the Foot into the mix.


6.)  Re: the following:

"A Foot copter will chase the BattleShell and blow it to bits, but Raph will escape at the last minute on the ShellCycle. "

From previous notes: "As I suggested at our meeting this past week, I'm not sure if it is necessary to totally destroy the Battleshell, and we might do well by just having the body get destroyed so that the Turtles can later build a NEW Battleshell upon the old one's battered but sturdy chassis. I have this image in my head of Raph driving a really blown to heck Battleshell, with almost all of the bodywork and extras blown away, leaving only the chassis, engine, and maybe a seat and steering wheel."


7.) Re: the following:

"Foot troops comb every inch of the city looking for them."

From previous notes: "That seems like quite an exaggeration."


-- Pete

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Subj: comments on the first draft of Ep. 88.
Date: Friday, August 13, 2004 1:13:50 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd, 


Here are my comments on the first draft of Ep. 88.


1.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Two words and two words only … Purple Dragons."

The "tough guy" phrasing here sounds more like Raph, not Leo. I'd just have him say "Purple Dragons..."


2.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (CONT’D)
Because assuredly you would simple sneak out later when my back was turned.  Would you not?"

I think that should be "simply" instead of "simple".


3.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER stands to face his sons.
SPLINTER
Better that I simply say go … and be careful."

I can't recall any time in an earlier script when Splinter gives this kind of leave to the Turtles to go out and get into trouble, and it might be a good time to have one of them comment on it, on the idea that Splinter is starting to treat them like responsible young adults.


4.) Re: the following:

"WIDER STILL TO SHOW the very angry/determined Leonardo and Raphael with their weapons pointed right at Hun.
RAPHAEL
Yeah, you’re gonna be through …
LEONARDO
Run through."

I know we're still doing "angry Leo", but this seems pretty explicitly brutal -- "run through" means Leo is going to shove his swords through Hun's body. Do we REALLY want to say that?


5.) Re: the following:

"Donatello is pissed and reverses the rockets on the BattleShell and <FIRES> …
DONATELLO
Get off my tail!"

Minor point, but... would "shell" be better than "tail" here?


6.) Re: the following:

"CASEY (O.C. CONT’D)
For you did to me and mine."

Should that be "For WHAT you did to me and mine"?


-- Pete

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Subj: notes on Ep. 89 first draft
Date: Friday, August 13, 2004 1:56:59 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep. 89 first draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"Hanging by one arm, Mikey answers the phone
MIKEY
Talk to the turtle … Hey, long time no hear! … uh-huh … uh-huh … uh-huh … no problem … we’ll be there.
Mike <DISCONNECTS> and puts the cell back on his belt.
RAPH
Who was it?
MICHELANGELO
Nobody."

Maybe it's just TOO obvious -- and too much -- but should we do, for a few lines, a variation on the classic "Who's on first?" gag here?


2.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Your slipping, Nobody.  That kid almost took you out."

It should be "you're", not "your".


3.) Re: the following:

"NOBODY (
Try not to hurt them.  They’re just kids.
They duck as <WEAPONS FIRE STRIKES> around them … Leo looks at Nobody.
LEO
Sure.  Kids with Uzis.  Real cute."

I know they have been referred to as "Laser Uzis" in the script (albeit not in the dialogue), but do we really want Leo to say "Uzis"? Maybe it would be better if he just said "guns" or "blasters" or "lasers".


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #422: August 11, 2004: Re: Nothin'

Subj: Re: Nothin'
Date: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 10:08:45 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 8/10/04 10:48:31 PM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

Hey Pete –
  
 Could you also copy Sarah, Jannica and George on your “nothing today so far yet as of now” e-mails?  That’d be very helpful.
  
 Also, FYI, we got an alert from our IT guys saying that AOL was experiencing major e-mail problems today (earlier) and that most likely nothing would get through.
  
 I’ll call you tomorrow to go over the arc stuff.
  
 Lloyd



Lloyd,


I just set up a new email address "group" in my AOL address book which includes the three above.


I don't know your IT guys, so it would be presumptuous of me to make snap judgments, but I have to say that what you report that they are saying about AOL having problems (and I recall something similar that you reported in a previous email a few weeks ago) smells a little bit like the classic uber-geek "blame AOL" stuff that I have long grown tired of hearing. Not that AOL doesn't have its problems -- every service does -- but sometimes I think it gets a lot of shit it doesn't deserve.


Let me digress here into a small anecdote which I may have told you before. A couple of years ago, MACADDICT (one of my favorite monthly Mac magazines) did a multipage article where they compared the email capabilities of various programs, including AOL's software. After sneering at AOL because it didn't allow you to get your email from other locations, i.e. when you're on the road, they went on to explain at some length the steps required to set up your Mac to get email at different locations using these other email programs -- I think it was at least two pages of instructions, possibly three. 


This drove me nuts, and compelled me to write a letter to MACADDICT (which they published) wherein I informed them that not only could you get your AOL email on the road, you didn't have to go through elaborate preparations -- all you had to do was go to aol.com, click on "Mail", type in your screenname and password, and away you go. Not only that, but you didn't need your Mac to get your AOL mail -- ANY computer with a connection to the Internet would give you access to it.


AOL has, for a number of years, been a favorite "whipping boy" for those (supposedly) tech-savvy computer gurus who deride its ease of use and appeal to "newbies". I suspect there are some things it can't do, or does poorly, that other email programs do well. But there's a reason why so many people use AOL, and that is simply that it does a great job of introducing you to online communications and the Internet, and even after you've been online for years and have gotten hip to it, it can STILL be a great tool. And a lot of these tech heads -- like the writer for MACADDICT, apparently -- don't give it the credit it deserves and also don't bother to investigate its capabilities. 


That, plus the anecdotal evidence that -- as far as I can tell -- no one outside of 4Kids is having any problems sending me email that I actually GET, leads me to suspect that the problem is not AOL, but something at 4Kids' end. Which leads to a question -- has 4Kids undergone any siginificant upgrades or changes to their email software within the last few months? 


I hope we can come up with a more elegant solution to this problem, because it's really irking me... as I'm sure it's irking you.


Talk to you soon!


-- Pete


P.S. I'm going to also send this to your 4Kids work address to see if it gets through to you.


------------------------


(Addendum: It is now October 15, 2011, close to seven years since I wrote the above. I still use AOL for my email, and still feel much the same way. AOL has gone through a lot of changes over these intervening years, and not all for the good. But I still like it... except for the fact that they have not updated the Mac version of their stand-alone program for like five years! AAARGGH!


I mean, it still works, even on a new Mac, so that's good... but it sometimes acts a little flakey.  I do find myself using their web-based version more and more, as it seems to be a bit more stable. I would love it it AOL did a brand spankin' new version of their software for the Mac platform... and given how many more people use Macs these days than back in 2004, it seems odd that they don't. Oh well... -- PL)

Blast from the Past #421: August 5, 2004: comments on Ep. 86 ("Bad Day") second draft, and August 6, 2004: comments on rest of season 4 story arc

Subj:  comments on Ep. 86 ("Bad Day") second draft

Date:  Thursday, August 5, 2004 11:22:46 AM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my very short comments on Ep. 86 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"ON LEO – holding Splinter, taking charge.

LEONARDO

Donny!  Get the Battle Shell ready!  Mikey, get April on the phone!  Tell her we need a doctor, now!"

There is something a little off about this, and in addition I think we miss an opportunity to ratchet up the tension a little. First, I find it odd that Leo would right away think that telling April to get a doctor would be the way to go. How is she supposed to find a doctor that will treat a four foot tall mutant rat? I mentioned something in my last notes about this episode regarding healthcare and the Turtles which is germane, and the more I think about it, the more I think that the Turtles should have a game plan for health crises which is a little more logical than this. I mean, if you think about it, these characters are constantly getting into fights and running up against bizarre toxic menaces -- you'd think that this would be something they would need.

However... that being said, I think me miss an opportunity here -- I think that we should play up the panicked response by the Turtles, where they DON'T know what to do, and the lair floods then anyway, essentially terminating that discussion. And we might easily do this simply by shuffling (and tweaking a little) some lines as follows:

"LEONARDO

Master Splinter!

DONATELLO

His breathing’s shallow!  He needs medical attention!

LEONARDO

Donny!  Get the Battle Shell ready!  Mikey, get April on the phone!  Tell her -- tell her we need a doctor, now!

RAPHAEL

We just gonna run a 65-pound talking rat to the hospital?

MICHELANGELO

Anybody know a veterinarian who can keep his mouth shut?

WIDER – Don and Mike jump into action.

*ON MICHELANGELO – grabbing a SHELLCEL as he lands near the pool with an unexpected .  He looks down."

2.) I'm sure that there are a number of other, better names for the as-yet-unnamed "mystic amulet", but as I was re-reading this, I thought calling it the "Heart of Tengu" might be cool (to tie it in a little bit with the Shredder). So it would appear as follows in Karai's dialogue:

"*KARAI

My respect will never be earned with foolish exercises like this.  And as long for as I hold the Heart of Tengu, your so-called “power” is mine to command."

-- Pete

-------------------

Subj:  comments on rest of season 4 story arc

Date:  Friday, August 6, 2004 12:20:13 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my comments on arc 93-104 (I've left out any comments on 91 and 92 as I have already commented on the actual premises).

------------------------------------------

Ep. 93

1.) It's not made clear HOW the Foot have found out where the Turtles' lair. As this is such a big deal, I think we should know.

One twist that popped into my head is that maybe Angel betrayed them, and she shows up here or later on as one of Karai's right-hand minions.

2.) Re: the following:

"The Foot Ninja (in redesigned Foot Ninja garb?) are better, faster, and more skilled than ever before."

Why? How? I'm not averse to having some new and badder Foot ninja, but I think it's important to remember that the big thing here is that the Turtles' safe place has been violated and invaded, and even the plain old Foot soldiers would be bad enough.

3.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles are overwhelmed, too stunned to mount a defense."

I think that's overstating the situation a little -- I think they would be hard-pressed, and eventually have to beat a strategic retreat, but they certainly would put up a good fight.

4.) Re: the following:

"We reveal it is Karai, garbed in her own new, power-enhancing Shredder armor."

Is this some big mecha-type armor, or just personal armor?

5.) Re: the following:

"Don tries to pull his battered master away and into the ShellSub, but not before Splinter can grab the TCRI canister and the orb the Utroms gave him that holds memories of master Yoshi.  "

This seems a little forced. And maybe these things SHOULD be destroyed, to emphasize the devastating nature of the attack. I can't think of any reason, story-wise, that we would need either of these objects in the future. It might be good to trash them.

6.) Re: the following:

"Mike, with Klunk, manages to escape by attacking with the TurtleTunneler.  He charges one of the Shreddnaughts, but really he’s just making himself a new exit.  When the Shreddnaught peels the Tunneler open, he finds that it’s empty. "

Given that the Tunneler is outfitted with disintegrator beams which can carve through solid rock, I think it could be used as a pretty devastating weapon, and I think we should show Mikey doing just that, before the Tunneler get  trashed. He should take out one of the Shrednaughts with it.

7.) Re: the following:

"A Foot copter will chase the BattleShell and blow it to bits, but Raph will escape at the last minute on the ShellCycle. "

As I suggested at our meeting this past week, I'm not sure if it is necessary to totally destroy the Battleshell, and we might do well by just having the body get destroyed so that the Turtles can later build a NEW Battleshell upon the old one's battered but sturdy chassis. I have this image in my head of Raph driving a really blown to heck Battleshell, with almost all of the bodywork and extras blown away, leaving only the chassis, engine, and maybe a seat and steering wheel.

8.) Re: the following:

"Foot troops comb every inch of the city looking for them."

That seems like quite an exaggeration.

---------------------------------------

Ep. 94

1.) Re: the following:

"Leo returns from his lessons with the Ancient One.  When he shows up at the lair, he finds that the place has been reduced to rubble… and a contingent of Karai’s Foot Ninja (maybe new special ninjas) are lying in wait for him!  Armed with his new attitude and a few nifty new skills from the Ancient One, Leo completely and utterly kicks ass! "

Let's try to not make this too unbelievable -- Leo is not now "Super Ninja".

2.) Re: the following:

"He tries to question one of the Foot ops, but the loyal Foot soldier deactivates himself rather than betray “the Shredder.”"

"Deactivates himself"...? Huh? Is he a robot? Maybe it would be better if he just bashes his head against a wall to knock himself out.

3.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, after hours in the Oroku Saki Memorial Library, Karai enters through a secret passage to commune with a statue of her father.  Suddenly her reverie is interrupted by Leonardo.  "

How does Leo know where this "secret passage" is? And why does it have to be a secret, anyway? Wouldn't it make sense that there would be some publicly-placed statue of the library's founder, Oroku Saki?

4.) Re: the following:

"Then, as tension builds, Karai and Leo will fight.  A big one on one between two incredibly skilled warriors.  But Karai, in her new armor, is faster and more deadly than ever before."

Karai's in her new Shredder armor all this time? That seems kind of odd.

5.) Re: the following:

"But before anyone can get near Leo, he flips back out of the library and holds up a little blinking device.  It’s a detonator.  “Leave my family alone.” He says, and then he depresses the detonator.  A series of explosions go off, blowing the crap out of the Oroku Saki Memorial Library.  Karai and her Foot goons retreat behind emergency blast doors, though she does get to see the statue of Oroku Saki explode into rubble just before the door seals."

Not only is this unrealistic (where did Leo get all the time required to set all these explosive devices?), but it is TOTALLY un-Leo-like. I seriously doubt he would plant bombs, let alone destroy a LIBRARY with them. It would be cool, though, if as a parting/warning short just before he leaves, Leo does some amazing leaping/flipping move and decapitates the statue of Oroku Saki, and the severed head rolls over to Karai's feet.

6.) Re: the following:

"Later, Leo returns to lair with a few odds and ends.  A laptop computer for Don, a punching bag for Raph, some comics for Mikey, and a new walking stick for Splinter.  The last item in his cart he unveils; it is the oversized and somewhat damaged head of the Oroku Saki statue from the library."

I think I understand the intent of this scene, but it seems unrealistic and a bit goofy. And Leo bringing the Oroku Saki head into their new lair just feels completely wrong -- what a BAD way to christen their new home. I would lose this scene entirely, or just have Leo come back to the lair and symbolize their new beginning by replacing the "Lair Sweet Lair" sign (either he returns the beat up one he got from April via Karai, or he makes a new one).

-----------------------------------------

Ep. 95

1.) Re: the following:

"Don will get wounded by one of the creatures. This will lead to infection, and eventually mutation over the course of the rest of the season."

I assume "wounded" means bitten or clawed? Also, I think we should consider Raph for the Turtle who gets mutated, not least because it would be a cool tie-in with the current comic book.

2.) Re: the following:

"April notices Don scratching at a bandage he wears on his thigh – the wound he received last episode.  Don shrugs it off as all in the line of duty, ma’am.  “Just wish the darn thing wouldn’t itch so much.”"

I think this bit is what got me thinking that it should be Raph, and not Don, who gets mutated. I really don't think Don would be so cavalier with such a potentially serious situation.

3.) Re: the following:

"They wind up at the outskirts of an impressive, lost-world-looking fantasy city.

The people who inhabit the city are long, tall, noble beings, sophisticated and apparently friendly. "

I immediately thought of the Y'Lyntians and the Entity when reading this description. Maybe they should instead be squat and round.

2.) Re: the following:

"Augie needs the compass because within it’s workings he has hidden a piece of the material from which the artifact (which transports people but never transports itself) is made of, and with it he can create a device to transport them all back to our world (or something like that)."

Huh? The idea that the artifact " transports people but never transports itself" seems to fly in the face of it's nature as established in "April's Artifact". This whole bit with the compass seems like an unnecessary red herring and confuses the issue. Why not just say that Uncle Augie wanted to share the good news of his discovery with April and the world? The artifact has all the power we need to send everybody here and there.

3.) Re: the following:

"But, alas, it is all too good to be true.  There is another side to these long, lithe, friendly people, a dark side.  And Augie has not seen past their surface. 

They are a warlike race of conquerors.  All that they have has been plundered.  Even this fantasy city is not theirs – they conquered it."

This is okay, but I wonder if it would be better if we tweaked it so Augie didn't seem like such a dope or dupe. Maybe this race has a life cycle which includes an "age of unreason" or madness every few centuries, and it just so happens that it's about to come upon them.

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Ep. 97

1.) Is this a "clip" show? I basically like the idea, but I think it needs a lot of work.

2.) Re: the following:

"In a dark and secret place, a group of villains have come together, untied in their hatred of a common enemy.  As they list their grievances, we see who these terrible villains are:  Malignus, the master of mind control!  Mephos, exile of the Avians!  The gruesome GarbageMan!  Touch and Go?  The Entity? "

I'm not too crazy about using Touch and Go here, and wasn't Mephos a prisoner of the Avians the last time we saw him? Maybe Hun would be good in this. Nano? Mr. Marlin?

3.) Re: the following:

"The Justice Force had gotten wind that Malignus was up to something.  With the Help of Donatello, they monitored Malignus’ communication traffic.  When they realized that he and the other villains were searching for the Turtles, the Turtles made sure to frequent a specific area until the super-villains took the bait!"

That approach or plan seems a bit goofy.

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Ep. 98

1.) Re: the following:

"A la the famous FF comic “This Man, This Monster,” if at all possible, it would be very cool if, at the end of this episode, when Stockman is about to do April in… he somehow snaps out of his delusional mode, realizes that what he’s doing – and what he has done since he first went bad and created his mousers – is wrong… and actually winds up sacrificing himself to save her life!"

I love that FF story, and it would be cool if we could do an "homage" to it, but I'm really not sure that Stockman's personality would allow it. I'm not sure too that I want to lose Stockman -- he's been a great pain in the ass character.

One thought I had if we decide that we do want to get rid of him -- a fun twist might be that he does something nasty and evil (something, in other words, typically Stockman) that results in his doom, but April misperceives it as a noble sacrifice on his part.

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Eps. 99-100

1.) It's been done before in other sci-fi tales, but maybe we could have some fun with the Savanti Romero/prehistoric dino world adventure by establishing -- as a subplot to help expand the story to fill two episodes -- some alien presence on Earth (maybe an alien "big game hunting" expedition or wildlife excursion) which ends up taking samples of dinosaurs with them back into space... and we could hint that millions of years later, some of these dinos could have evolved into -- Triceratons!

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Ep. 101

No comments.

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Ep. 102

1.) Re: the following:

"Casey and April are about to go out on a date.  She’s all dolled up for a night on the town.  Of course, Casey shows up in bike leathers for what he calls a romantic motorcycle ride!   They’re about to start arguing about what this date was supposed to be when Leo, Mike, Don and Raph show. "

The arguing thing is no longer cute, just annoying. I think a possible twist on it which might be fun is to have each of them show up for the date prepared for what they THINK the other will want to do -- in other words, Casey could be dressed for a night on the town (would a tux be too much?) while April shows up ready to go for a motorcycle ride (leather jacket, boots, etc.).

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Ep. 103

1.) Re: the following:

"With their brother mutated into this new, monstrous, mindless state, it’s all the others can do to keep him confined!  The boys call in LeatherHead and April to help come up with an anti-mutagen… but Don was the one who’d been studying Bishop’s genetic gloop for weeks.  He’s the only one who really understands it… and without his brainpower, the others really have no idea how to help him."

What about the Fugitoid? Where is he now? Plus, I'll reiterate that I think it should be Raph and not Don, who mutates.

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Ep. 104

1.) Re: the following:

"They snatch the artifact from its ornate crystal chamber and hold it aloft.  “Fools!  You are fools!  I will destroy you all!”  Shredder/Karai charges them, but, with the crystal now in hand, the Turtles begin to glow.  They vanish, and Karai‘s claws slash at nothing but air."

I know we haven't really established anything about the artifact except that Karai uses it to control the Mystics, so it COULD have this teleportation power -- but it seems like a cheat to me. I'd rather see something a little more clever in the way that the Turtles get away with it.

Also, given that we have a surfeit of crystals in this show, could we make this artifact something else? Like some kind of metal, or stone, or even wood?

2.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles re-materialize back at Bishop’s.  Before Bishop allows them to see Donatello, he insists that they hand over the artifact.  Reluctantly, they do so, knowing deep down inside that they’re going to live to regret this whole episode.  “Thanks to your presence, this base of operations has been compromised.  You have precisely 15 minutes to collect your brother and vacate the premises.  Pleasure doing business with you.”   Bishop activates a countdown and exits via a hydraulic elevator shaft that takes him below ground."

I know this is a VERY early stage, and much will change, but Bishop's warning the Turtles about the impending destruction of that facility seems a bit off. I mean, why would he care? He hates the Turtles.

-- Pete