Blast from the Past #416: July 17, 2004 notes on a variety of things (a busy day!)

Subj: note on 86 premise
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:20 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd, 


Here is my note on Ep. 86 premise.


1.) This should be an interesting episode. One possible change -- what if, instead of the perimeter alarms going off and the sewers flooding in through the doors, we do something a little more subtle (at first) and possibly creepier? My suggestion would be that the pond in the center of the lair begins to rise, nearly imperceptibly at first, then noticed by one of the Turtles as he walks across the floor and realizes that he is walking over a wet floor covered by a quarter inch depth of water. Then the pond could erupt into a torrent which flushes the Turtles and Splinter out of the lair (and maybe even lets in lets in Leatherhead, who inexplicably -- or at least until we realize it's all a mystic vision and not "real" -- EATS Klunk the cat... or if not Leatherhead, maybe a shark could come in through that torrent and do the same).
The reason I suggest having the flood coming from WITHIN rather than WITHOUT is that I think it would be scarier for the Turtles (and the viewer) to have something (the pond) that is perceived as docile and safe suddenly and unexpectedly turn into a source of terrible peril.


-- Pete

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Subj: notes on Ep. 85 outline
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:18:12 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep. 85 outline


1.) Re: the following:

" Against his peoples’ custom, Raptarr left the flying city to go down to surface; his main purpose was to keep an eye on Mephos.  But, Raptarr found that he could not but help the humans; it was in his heart to be of service to those in need. "

I think it might be cool to establish that Raptarr takes on a kind of superhero identity in part as a way to disguise his origin and deflect curious minds from pursuing any connection from him back to his people. With this in mind he could in fact wear a superhero-type costume, perhaps something similar to what he wears in the TMNT comics.


2.) I know it's probably a budgetary/time thing, but I find the idea that Mephos and FIVE guards are enough to lay waste to the flying city in the manner described here. Perhaps it might be better to have them attack in a slightly more circumspect manner, perhaps using some amount of stealth.
Perhaps even more problematic is the reason for Mephos' attack -- what does he gain from destroying the flying city -- and even more to the point, what do those guards (who join him so quickly and conveniently -- perhaps TOO conveniently) stand to gain? Where do THEY go once the flying city is destroyed? It seems to me that perhaps something a bit more logical is in order -- maybe Mephos' plan is not to destroy the city, but to take it over and remake it under his direction.
I am somewhat concerned about how quickly and easily the guards fall in with Mephos and his plan -- are we to believe that for all this time these guards have been so bitter and disaffected while serving the flying city? And all it takes is for Mephos to show up again and they're on his side in an instant? Something doesn't quite parse there. Perhaps we could establish that Mephos has some kind of mind-controlling gizmo or power that helps him to force the guards to fight for him.


3.) The final fight aboard the flying city and its resolution -- Mephos' metal wings being melted by the Turtles somehow "refracting crystal energy" --- is way too cheesy for my tastes. I think either it needs to be reworked, or we need to rework Mephos' plan, or both.


4.) Re: the following:

"The turtles vow to help Raptarr stop Mephos.  Donatello builds turtle wings and rigs a small Y’Lantian crystal (from the lair) to hone in of the flying city."

The way this is written, it seems like Don just -- on the spot -- whips up these "turtle wings". I hope that is just writer's shorthand, and in reality, these "turtle wings" are something he had been working on previously. Also, it seems a bit much that Don can use a crystal from the lair and duplicate the special qualities of Raptarr's "crystal diadem" which was stolen by Mephos -- I think it would be better if whatever he rigs up doesn't work perfectly and they almost crash into the flying city while using it (or something like that).


-- Pete

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Subj: notes on Ep. 87 premise
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:22:25 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my notes on Ep. 87 premise.


1.) I'm unclear about the nature of the "strange organic manipulations that are mostly cosmetic, with no practical “super soldier” applications" that Stockman is working on for Bishop. Are these actual "aliens" he is making, or are they like "alien" prosthetics which will be worn by Bishop's men to SIMULATE aliens? I think the latter is more logical -- the former implies perhaps a bit too much capability for Stockman and/or Bishop.


2.) Re: the following:

"When the President comes to town, the Turtles are out and about, following the motorcade from the rooftops, playing “Avoid the Secret Service,” and hoping to catch a glimpse of the guy."

I think it might be fun for one of the Turtles -- maybe Mikey -- to say something (perhaps a little bit wistfully) about how cool it would be if THEY could be on the Secret Service, protecting the President with their special ninja skills.


3.) Re: the following:

"But as the motorcade reaches the U.N., Bishop’s “Alien Invasion” begins!  A huge alien ship (similar in appearance to the one from the desert, but much bigger and more elaborate) appears over the U.N.


Similar ships appear popping up over the rest of the city.


Alien shock troops disembark.


The Turtles leap in to fight these new invaders, throwing a wrench into Bishop’s well laid plans."

A whole bunch of questions here. Although it is soon revealed that the other ships are holographic fakes and the one over the UN is the only "real" one, where did Bishop get this "real" one?
Do the "alien" shock troops only disembark from this "real" ship, or also from the others -- and if so, how do they do that if those others are just projections?
Do the Turtles reveal themselves to the public when they "leap in" to fight the "aliens"?


4.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles eventually figure out that this entire invasion is a sham, perpetrated by Bishop.


They manage to shut him down, causing Bishop to end his “invasion” in one day. "

I'm still not clear on how the Turtles manage to "shut him down", but I'm getting the idea that everyone BESIDES the Turtles (and Bishop and Stockman) in this story are all idiots. Does no one else see the pretty lame fakery here? Is the President that gullible? What happens to the ship above the UN? Is it destroyed? Does it just fly away?


5.) Re: the following:

"And the Turtles are left to wonder about Bishop .  If he’d destroy NYC just to secure funding for his experiments… just how dangerous is this guy?"

"Destroy NYC"...? Why would they assume THAT? I see nothing in this story to indicate that NYC is in any serious danger of being "destroyed". And didn't the Turtles just figure out that whatever danger Bishop's "aliens" posed (mostly to the President), it was all FAKE anyway? What a ridiculous conclusion for them to make. Anyway, given their past experiences with Bishop, they don't need anything else to demonstrate to them that he is a serious threat.


-- Pete

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Subj: notes on Ep. 88 premise
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:23:37 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep. 88 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Don’s scanning can only go so far with the equipment he has - - but he’s recently had April order him some new, more advanced equipment.  It’s been on back order for a while, but they’ve assured Don it should be arriving any day now, and once it does - - "

I think we should lose this whole bit, as it only seems to be in here to help get the Turtles and Casey involved in the Purple Dragons' heist, and raises some problematic issues. One of these is -- where did Don get the MONEY to "order" through April this "new, more advanced equipment"?


2.) Boy, somebody must REALLY like this "sky heist" idea! (It seems to be virtually identical to the one proposed for another, earlier Hun/Purple Dragons episode.) It is now SLIGHTLY more palatable and credible (given that the PD have had some time to train themselves), but it still skirts the edges of credulity. And things like Casey stuffing a parachute in his golf bag and then deploying it to save not only himself but Leo AND Raph (!!!) are just silly -- why isn't the chute just torn from the golf bag (did Casey have time to solidly attach it?) or for that matter, the golf bag from Casey's shoulder (remember, we're talking about the full weight of one big guy and two mutant turtles all dangling from ONE little strap)? And I don't think your average single parachute is rated to safely land THREE people.


2.) Re: the following:

"After the ceremony, Karai walks through the crowd to the dapperly dressed Hun.  They leave the party to a private room and have a little chat.  Karai is happy and surprised that Hun made it to the dedication.  She’s seen the news lately and realizes he’s been busy.


Hun tells her that the city is big enough for the both of them.  He’ll stay out of her way as long as she grants him the same courtesy.  The conversation quickly turns to Oroku Saki.  Hun cannot believe that Karai still reveres the Shredder.  He was an alien slug.  He can’t understand how she could have known that all this time and still served him.  Even now she still serves him!


Karai silences Hun; yes, she served the Shredder.  The Shredder gave her a life… he was her father!  And Karai vows in his name that she will hunt down those who were responsible for destroying him and she will make them pay with their lives."

I'm sure Karai would be "surprised" that Hun made it to the dedication, but I'm not so sure about "happy". As far as I am aware, there is no love lost between the two of them. Rather than "surprised and happy", I would say "surprised and wary".
I also think this might be a good opportunity to have Karai get a little more specific about the fact that her love/loyalty to the Shredder/Oroku Saki transcends whatever physical form he had, and is more directly tied to whatever SOUL he possessed... to Karai, what he looked like was irrelevant. It might even be good to have her say something vague about hoping to someday rescue him from his imprisonment (IF that doesn't contradict anything).


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Rat King
Date: Saturday, July 17, 2004 3:25:39 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 7/16/04 10:13:43 AM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:


Hey Pete –
  
 I was thinking about the Rat King, and about how you used him in both City at War and the new TMNT book, and how your interpretation differs from his original appearance by Jim.  I really like the Rat King as a “death’s head” kind of figure (even a delusional one), and I’ve been trying to see if there’s a way to weave him into another episode. 
  
 If have a moment, could you try and articulate your take on the guy.  He’s so vaguely defined (which makes him both intriguing and problematic).  How do you think he functions as a character?  Why Does Splinter, who never really encountered him before in the comics, see him when near death in City of War? 
  
 If you get this early today and can respond, that would be extra helpful (but not mandatory).
  
 Hope all is well in Northampton… have a great weekend.
  
 Lloyd



Lloyd,


I think the "vaguely defined" nature of the Rat King is one of the main reasons why I was so resistant to giving him a clear origin (i.e. as one of Bishop's experiments) -- I think it's cool to have a really mysterious character.


At the end of his first appearance in the comics (Tales # 4), it is unclear whether or not he will survive. He's been hit with shuriken and fallen from a great height into to a pit in the old factory, where he is surrounded by rats. It's ambiguous. Later , in the City at War issues, Splinter's encounter with the Rat King (a character he would surely have HEARD about from his sons after their encounter with him) was ALSO left, very deliberately, ambiguous... you were never sure -- except perhaps when you saw the leather-wrapped skeleton near the end -- whether the Rat King was really there or was just a figment of Splinter's fevered mind in his injured body.


And when I had the Rat King appear in that one panel in Splinter's death scene in Vol. 4, I was being even MORE ambiguous (if that's even possible) -- was Rat King really there? Was it his spirit? Did Splinter even see anything, or was it just his imagination? I either don't know or can't/won't tell (you pick).


My gut feeling is that he DID die in the comics, and it was either his spirit or Splinter's fevered brain (or perhaps a combination of those two things) that "brought him back" in the City at War issues. However, I prefer to leave it a mystery.


The Rat King as we are establishing him in the show, however, is a different can of worms. We know where he came from. Where he GOES is another question... one I think is wide open. And I'm open to any number of possibilities.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #415: July 11, 2004: First draft Ep. 84 ("Grudge Match")

Subj: Re: TMNT - Ep 84 first draft
Date: Sunday, July 11, 2004 12:57:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


The profiles for 80 and 81 are fine. The first draft for Ep. 84 has some problems. Here are my comments.


1.) Re: the following:

"In a ghostlike fashion, THREE GYOJIS rise out of the pedestals, passing through the warfans until their hands reach them – at which point they take the warfans with them as they rise.  NOTE:  The FOURTH pedestal remains empty. "

I'm still baffled as to why there are THREE Gyogi's. And why it is significant enough to mention that the fourth pedestal is empty. What's up with that? These are very specific details that seem to add up to nothing -- they appear to have NO effect on what happens in this episode. What's the point?


2.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON AMMAG – he sees Michelangelo.


AMMAG
No!  Not again!  Destroy the Turtles!"

Not only does this line of Ammag's sound like a tired cliche from the mouth of the (old) Shredder, I don't understand why -- given the setup here -- he's saying "Not again!"


3.) Re: the following:

"Daimyo smiles as Splinter continues watching his sons below.


DAIMYO
While nothing can stop the match, ten thousand years of rules certainly lets me handle with the likes of Ammag."

I think there is an unnecessary "with" in that last line.


4.) Right around here this story degenerates into a bunch of silly brawling and really becomes boring and pointless. And what happens to the concept of this match being fought under the rules of "Agemo"? Such a big deal is made of that idea -- and now it's apparently forgotten, as MIke beats Kluh in the end by tapping him with one finger. I'm not expecting that Mike is going to KILL him, but SOMETHING needs to be mentioned or done to address this "Agemo" issue.


5.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE – Dieskrad slowly struggles to get up, the unconscious Levram still on top of him.  He looks up, only to have AMMAG KICK HIM, knocking him against the back wall of the stands."

Why is Dieskrad "struggling" to get up? I thought when the Levrams were knocked unconscious they reverted to their "puny" forms... surely that can't be holding Dieskrad back too much.


6.) Re: the following:

"GYOJI (OC)
Ammag!  You are in violation of BattleNexus law!  Surrender!


Ammag turns to see Gyoji hovering over him, with TWENTY of DAIMYO’s SOLDIERS behind him."

And what law is it, exactly, that Ammag is in violation of? Brawling in the stands? If so, it would seem that the Turtles would be equally in violation.


7.) This episode begins promisingly, but really falls apart in the last quarter. There is just too much motiveless jumping around and fighting, and Ammag as a character just makes little sense -- if he's such a stickler for BattleNexus rules and traditions (using them to make sure his son gets his rematch), why is he continually flouting them and starting brawls?


I think the ending to this story really needs to be rethought, and I will copy here a suggestion I made at the outline stage which was apparently ignored, but I think it might offer some possibilities:

"Another option is to use the Levrams' sneaky approach against them -- as I suggested in my last email, Don could spend some time researching the rules of the BattleNexus, and at the last minute find some obscure and little-invoked counter to the "Agemo" challenge. Perhaps something that allows the challenged to choose the location of the fight, or the types of weapons used, or something else that would give Mikey a strategic advantage. "


The "Don reads the scrolls and finds something in them" bit is referenced ONCE in this script, in the following line:

"Donatello turns to Gyoji, looking up at the scroll.


DONATELLO
I want to see that scroll… maybe there’s a loophole in BattleNexus law…"


... which is then promptly forgotten. If so, why even have it in there?


8.) There is also a big problem with the concept of this "Agemo" thing, i.e. the battle to the death. I understand that this is the writer's attempt to inject more drama and conflict into the story, but, given the nature of the BattleNexus as we have set it up, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. The Daimyo has gone to a lot of trouble and effort to create a competition which specifically AVOIDS mortal combat. And it further makes even LESS sense that even if the Agemo challenge was legal, that the Daimyo would allow a contestant to agree to it without knowing what it means.


9.) There is also a problem with the main "villains" of this piece, the Levrams, specifically Kluh and his dad Ammag. If you think about it, they actually DO have a legitimate gripe in the sense that there was enough grey area around Mike's BattleNexus win, what with all the stuff that went on that interfered with the tournament. And the Daimyo recognizes the legitimacy of their complaint, and grants Kluh the rematch.


  So how do we get from there to the point where they are all psychos who will do anything so that Kluh wins the rematch, including "destroying the Turtles"? Even their initial attack on the Turtles on Earth makes no sense, if what Kluh and Ammag want is for Kluh to legitimately win the BattleNexus championship.


  And why are they so pissed at Mike, anyway? I mean, it wasn't HIS fault that all that stuff happened during the BattleNexus tournament.


I think this episode would benefit greatly from some serious rethinking of who the Levrams are and WHY they are doing what they are doing.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #414: July 6, 2004: Re: TMNT - 83 1st draft ("I, Monster")

Subj: Re: TMNT - 83 1st draft
Date: Tuesday, July 6, 2004 4:22:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on comments on Ep. 83 first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"RAT KING (VO)(CONT)
Before that… I can’t remember… Who was I?  What brought me here?
FLASH to images from Ep. 76 – the lab table in Bishop’s workshop, instruments, <SPARKING> ELECTRICITY - all rapid-fire, washed-out, partially obscured in shadow… seen through a haze of broken memory."

As I have said before, this seems to telegraph the secret of the Rat King's origins (as we are establishing them for this story) WAY too early. I really don't want it to be clear in this episode that he is the Slayer or even has ANY connection to Bishop.


2.) Re: the following:

"WIDER – the Rat King perches in an upper corner of the room like a spider, sitting mostly in shadow and holding a SIDE OF BEEF.  He <TEARS> another chunk off, throws it to the rats."

What exactly does "like a spider" mean here? Is he crouched on a ledge, or is he actually sticking to the wall (a la Spider-Man)? I think it should be the former, to avoid giving too much away.


3.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
But then, none of you is Michelangelo…
(“Kung Fu” overtones)
“He who moves like the shadow.”"

As I think it is a great recurring gag to have Mikey tout his BattleNexus championship whenever possible, perhaps it would be fun to add it here, as follows:


MICHELANGELO
But then, none of you is Michelangelo… BattleNexus Champion! And...
(“Kung Fu” overtones)
“He who moves like the shadow.”"


4.) Re: the following:

"ON LEO – looking around – something clearly not right here.
LEONARDO
Maybe training here isn’t the smartest idea.
WIDEN to include Mikey in the b.g., tying the bandana on his bicep and racing off into the bowels of the factory.
MICHELANGELO
<woo-hoo!>  Stealth mode… engaged!
Raph thumbs toward the receding figure of Michelangelo.
RAPHAEL
Yeah, but Mikey ain’t exactly the smartest turtle."

Raph's line doesn't make much sense to me. I think it would only make sense if it had been established that playing around in this abandoned factory was Mikey's idea, but it wasn't -- it was Casey's. Even the "ninja training " bit seems to have been set up as something ALL of the Turtles thought of.
I would change Raph's line, perhaps to something like "Maybe we should just leave the "BattleNexus Champion" here to play with himself." (Pause) "Nah... how can I pass us ANY chance to beat Mikey at something?"
Also, given the more aggressive stance we are giving Leo in these episodes, perhaps his line here would work better coming from Don.


5.) Re: the following:

"HIGH ANGLE – the Rat King FLIES BACK out of frame just before Leo looks up in his direction."

This may sound like a stupid question, but I need to know -- are we saying here that he is LITERALLY flying -- or has he just JUMPED?


6.) Re: the following:

"WIDEN to include the ceiling, where the Rat King moves swiftly on all fours, upside down, staying just behind Raph."

Another example of showing that the Rat King has some extraordinary or "super" powers -- do we want to do this here?


7.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON RAPHAEL - the Rat King stands upright on the ceiling, which puts his head right behind Raphael’s (Raph’s head obscures our view of the Rat King’s face).  Raphael’s eye slits narrow.  He knows something’s there.
RAPHAEL
<action noise>
Raph SPINS, SLASHING with his sais, but the Rat King anticipates his move, LEANING quickly backwards, up out of frame.
WIDER – Raph looks around.  Nothing – not even on the ceiling."

And another example. I understand that we are showing the Slayer's "camouflage" power, but I question whether we really should do this just yet -- it might be better to save it for nearer to the end of the episode, perhaps as a way for him to escape from the Turtles... or maybe we can play with perception here and not give away that he has this power -- instead making it seem like he COULD have just hidden behind something.




8.) Re: the following:

"REVERSE on the Rat King, back pressed against the face of a freestanding brick wall – the only wall left of some ruined building.
RAT KING (VO)
My judgment is passed.  They will not leave here alive.  The rats will see to that…
PAN ALONG the wall to a windowpane just in time to see Leo CHARGING, leading with his katana.
Leo <SMASHES> through the window, lands, and <SLICES> a quick katana strike to the exact spot where the Rat King was just standing.  The blade <THUNKS> into solid brick.
WIDER – the Rat King is nowhere to be seen.  Leo removes his katana, still looking around for the danger he knows is here.  Don comes running in.
DONATELLO
It’s an exercise, Leo.  We’re supposed to catch him, not fillet him.
Leo ignores the comment – he’s got a new obsession now."

This Leo bit makes no sense to me at all. Are we to understand that Leo somehow knew SOMEBODY (and it's not clear WHO he thinks it is) was standing against that brick wall, and Leo just smashed through the window and struck that spot with his sword hard enough to stick the blade into the brick? Is he PSYCHO???!!! 


9.) Re: the following:

"HIGH ANGLE on the crash site, including the Rat King watching his handiwork from a nearby rooftop.
DONATELLO
Well, that’s one mystery solved."

What mystery is that? Don seems to be jumping to conclusions -- just seeing the figure of the Rat King doesn't really EXPLAIN a lot.


10.) Re: the following:

"WIDER – as Casey brings up the rear on the fire escape, the Rat King lands his flip.  He bounces directly into a GIANT LEAP that carries him over the width of an entire building and down out of sight."


I think we may be starting to push it a little bit here.


11.) Re: the following:

"ON THE TURTLES – Leo taking charge.
LEONARDO
The walls!  Block the holes in the walls!"

I have to say that this might be perhaps Leo's worst idea ever, one that really has almost NO chance of success, and wastes time.


12.) Re: the following:

"LOW ANGLE – the Rat King LEAPS from the rim of the arena, executing a series of ACROBATIC FLIPS.  SWISH DOWN to:
ARENA FLOOR – the Rat King lands with a <THOOM!>, sticking it calmly, perfectly.
ON THE TURTLES – Leo, Raph, Don and Casey steel themselves for more fighting.  Only Mikey takes with jaw-dropping surprise.
MICHELANGELO
Okay, did everybody else know he could do that?  Because I feel like I’m the only one who’s freaking out here."

Mikey's reaction seems a bit ludicrous and over-the-top. I would lose it.


13.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL’S POV – Mikey sits up, dazed, beneath the indentation his body slam made on the wall.
ON RAPHAEL – determined.
RAPHAEL
Then it’s time we busted out!
Raph CHARGES straight toward a very surprised Michelangelo, dropping his shoulders and leading with his forearms like a football block.
RAPHAEL
<yarrgh!>
MICHELANGELO
<whoooa!>
CUT TO:
EXT. ARENA – CONTINUOUS
Raphael PLOWS THROUGH to open air."

The action here is not clear. Is Raph just charging into the wall, or is he slamming Mikey into it like a battering ram? If it's the latter, that's not acceptable.


14.) Re: the following:

"<BOOM!> The Rat King practically EXPLODES out of the base of the smokestack, sending BRICK SHRAPNEL – from small slivers to large chunks – flying.
ON LEO – as the shrapnel passes behind him, leaving him unscathed.
SPLIT-SCREEN on Don, Raph, Mike and Casey as each is taken down by flying brick."

Wow... those are some accurate bricks. This is really stupid.


15.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON THE RAT KING’S HAND – his slimy rags SLIPPING, losing his grip.  Leo’s hand reaches down to grab him, but comes up with nothing but UNRAVELING RAGS."

Dopey. Why, after a desperate battle in which he is trying to kill the Rat King, would Leo reach out to grab his hand? Makes no sense.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #413: July 2, 2004: comments on Ep. 85 premise

Subj: comments on Ep. 85 premise
Date: Friday, July 2, 2004 10:20:14 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I must say that I sadly concur with your grim assessment of this one. Here are my comments on the Episode 85 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"Below, the turtles are practicing, playing, sightseeing atop one of NYC taller skyscrapers.  


Suddenly, a man plummets past them down the side of the building from above.  (But from where?)  Without thinking, the turtles spring into action.  In an instant, Mikey grabs a cable they cut and dives over the side of the building after the falling man, tying it to his ankle.  


He stream lines his body and catches up to the tumbling, unconscious man who isn’t as aerodynamic because the guy’s got wings!  Mike grabs him and his brothers stop his descent and pull them up.  "

This is a punchy opening -- unfortunately, it has the kind of silly "cartoon physics" that I hate. I think we can find a better way to introduce our Avian in trouble.
Actually, I just had the thought that if we want to keep this scenario (Raptarr falls out of the sky and Turtles rescue him), this might be a cool way to introduce a new flying TMNT vehicle which would, among other things, make this kind of rescue more believable, as well as give us a possible new toy. Hey! Isn't Playmates doing some "Air Ninja" figures (Turtles with individual flying/gliding harnesses)? I think we just signed off on what might be the final approvals for those, and something like that might work perfectly into this scenario.


2.) Re: the following:

"The winged man is badly beaten.  He’s been in a shell of a fight.  One wing is broken"

Unless he has some kind of super healing powers, with a BROKEN wing I doubt he'll be of much use in this episode's action. And why have a flying guy if he can't fly? Maybe a SPRAINED wing would work.


3.) Re: the following:

"Donatello pegs him as an Avian.  The turtles know of his kind because of their recent encounter with the Y’lantians."

I can't recall -- did Don and the other Turtles actually SEE any Avians in that episode, or did they just HEAR about them? If the latter, I don't think Don would necessarily leap to that conclusion.


4.) Re: the following:

"At the test flight of Donny’s new wings we find out just how much Raph hates to fly."

This is new. I don't seem to recall Raph ever having this problem before, and in fact, if memory serves, he enjoyed the heck out of flying one of the Foot's "Razor Jets" in battle against them in one of the "Return to New York" episodes.


5.) Re: the following:

"However, as the turtles and Raptarr approach the flying city, it looks like the ready-for-battle Avians just might shoot them out of the sky.  They lock their big guns on the incoming hostiles and prepare to fire." 

I wonder if these "big guns" are also "technology but not machines", like the "technology" which floats and cloaks the Air City? Anyway, why do the Avians attack? Don't they recognize Raptarr?


6.) I should probably stop here and say I really don't like this episode premise in general and it's kind of pointless and a waste of time to make specific comments on how to fix something that I think doesn't deserve fixing.
A key element missing from this premise -- which you and I briefly talked about, Lloyd -- is the concept that Raptarr is a "superhero" in NYC, and as such has distanced himself from his Avian people, who frown on this kind of fraternization and involvement with the human world. I think there is a lot of gold to be mined in that idea, and could lead to a far more interesting story (and lay a better groundwork for future stories) than what we have presently in this premise.
My basic suggestion at this point is to use the idea outlined in my previous paragraph, lose all the stuff with Raptarr's wife and kid, and work on Mephos to make him a more interesting supervillain. Maybe HE is the real reason that Raptarr has risked the opprobrium of his people -- Mephos could be the "fallen angel" that we talked about, who was either thrown out of "Heaven" -- the Avian floating city -- or willingly sought power and wealth on the surface. Maybe he was even born with stunted wings or something, which led him to become embittered, and he seeks to establish a power base on the surface from which he can eventually mount an assault on the floating city.
Or perhaps when Mephos left the Avian city, he either lost -- or had taken away from him because of his misdeeds -- the natural Avian ability to see through the cloak which hides the Avian city, thus forever dooming him to exile... and maybe THIS is what he seeks -- a way to find the cloaked city again (either to return for revenge against a particular individual, or for conquest?).
In any event, SOMETHING has to be done to make this a more interesting tale.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #412: Re: comments on first draft of Episode 81 ("Sons of the Silent Age")

Subj: comments on first draft of Episode 81
Date: Friday, June 25, 2004 1:57:06 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 81 first draft script.


1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Gee, April, you make it sound almost... spooky."

This sounds to me more like a Mikey line than a Don line. 


2.) Re: the following:

"CASEY
It’s just a barn owl.  We got lots of them in the city, too."

This sounded a little odd to me. Is Casey referring to NYC when he says "the city"? If so, are there really a lot of barn owls in NYC? Maybe we don't need that line, and he should just say "It's just a barn owl."


3.) Re: the following:

"BACK TO April as she sort of protectively draws herself together into herself, sort of hugging herself for safety.  
APRIL
I feel completely naked before it.
CUT to Casey being a wise-guy.
CASEY
Keep your clothes on, April.  From the looks of it, they’re shutting the place down."

I'm not sure we need (or want) the "completely naked" bit. It seems redundant (April's posture is showing her feeling of vulnerability) and Casey's "Keep your clothes on" is a bit too crude. I would shorten it as follows:


"BACK TO April as she sort of protectively draws herself together into herself, sort of hugging herself for safety.  
CASEY
From the looks of it, they’re shutting the place down."


4.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (PIRATE VOICE)
Aaargh.  Aye, Donnie, ye scurvy wench... just so long as they don’t bring ‘er down into... Davie Jones’locker!  Aaargh!"

Instead of "wench", how about "wretch"?


5.) Re: the following:

"CASEY (O.C.)
...oh yeah, well I got one for you.  How come Utroms are always lonely?
RAPHAEL (O.C.)
Beats me.
SWING the camera around 180• giving us a quick glimpse of a portion of the merwoman’s body as it slips beneath the moonlit water surface.
CASEY (O.C.)
Cuz they ain’t got no body.  Get it?  No body."

While this might have been an appropriate joke about that Utrom-wannabe "Krang" from the old TV show, it seems kind of weird in the current context, where the Utroms DO have bodies -- they're just not humanoid bodies. And while it is a minor point, I really don't want to give the rabid old show fans ANY encouragement to say "See! See! The Utroms ARE disembodied brains, just like Krang!"


6.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Mikey!  Quick – hand me my backpack – the first aid kit and my Tech Tab are in it!"

"Tech Tab"? What is this? (Never mind... I figured it out by reading further.)


7.) Re: the following:

"APRIL
Casey, help me turn her over and move her closer to the fire...!
CASEY
Ain’t no way I’m gonna touch Miss Fishsticks...
Leonardo rushes in to help April and together they turn the merwoman face upwards, April moving close to the merwoman’s face/head."

I don't see any particular reason that Casey should be so squeamish about touching the merwoman. Maybe we should lose his line, and April should just say "Somebody help me turn her over and move her closer to the fire...!" Then Leo could step up and help her as he does here.


8.) Re: the following:

"April’s face is right over the merwoman’s, close.  (NOTE that the merpeople DO NOT have gills!)"

I'm curious -- why don't the Merpeople have gills?


9.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (O.C.)
She’s been exposed to a massive dose of radiation... but it’s fading... even though it is killing her."

I wonder if this might parse better if reworded thusly:


"DONATELLO (O.C.)
She’s been exposed to a massive dose of radiation... but even though it’s fading, it's killing her."


10.) Re: the following:

"APRIL
There’s only one option.  And don’t you give me any grief, Casey Jones.  You’re the only other one here who knows how to administer CPR..."

I suspect that April's aside to Casey here is supposed to tie in with his "Miss Fishsticks" line (which I suggested we lose), but even more odd here is April's assertion that Casey is the only one there other than her who can perform CPR. I think that that would be something any of the Turtles could be capable of, especially Don. Anyway, I think she doesn't even have to mention it -- she just tells Casey what to do. 


11.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (O.C.)
No gills, meaning she breathes air, not water.  And no clothes to transmit radioactivity... shouldn’t be contagious.  It’s okay to touch her... not that you’ve waited for my thumbs-up or anything..."

Is "contagious" the right term when referring to radioactivity? Something about it sounds odd to me. Perhaps if we can't determine the right word to use here, the following rewording would work:

"DONATELLO (O.C.)
No gills, meaning she breathes air, not water.  And no clothes to transmit radioactivity... should be okay to touch her... not that you’ve waited for my thumbs-up or anything..."


12.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Sure hope her heart’s in the same place as yours..."

This seems like an odd line for Raph -- it's probably more of a Don line. Also, it sounds a little odd -- who is the "yours" referring to? Casey? April? One of the other Turtles? I understand the value of the line -- that they are acting in this emergency by going on the assumption, hopefully a valid one, that resuscitation techniques which work on humans will also work on this humanoid fish person -- but maybe there is a better way to phrase it.


13.) Re: the following:

"CUT TO close-up on Casey’s hands administering one more press (manual circulation technique) to the merwoman’s chest.  (If one didn’t know that Casey was trying to help the merwoman, it would appear that he was trying to hurt her.)"

Not sure if this would work, but to emphasize the idea that the mermen are mistaking what Casey is doing for hurting the merwoman instead of trying to help her, I wonder if it would be cool to start this shot of Casey doing his CPR thing in a slightly distorted fashion, with the colors a little off, then we pull back and realize that it's the scene reflected in one of those big shiny mermen eyes, and as we pull back we see that big angry merman face.


14.) Re: the following:

"WIDER, UP ANGLE looking down and across at the four Turtles facing the four mermen.  None of the Turtles have withdrawn any of their weapons.  And only Leonardo is making a move: lunging and tackling one of the mermen."

Is there a reason why the Turtles have not gotten their weapons out? Is this because we don't want them to too easily defeat the mermen? If so, and because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that if they had their weapons on them they wouldn't use them to defend themselves, I would suggest that perhaps we set up this campfire scene by showing that the Turtles have set aside their weapons while they are in "relaxing mode". That way, we can avoid the whole problem.


15.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO (SPOKEN SORT OF LIKE HOMER SIMPSON)
Ummmmm.  Eggs.  Maybe we can find some wild bacon while we’re at it...
Raphael smacks Mikey on the top of his head with the hilt end of a sai.
MICHELANGELO
<BAP!>  Ow!"

In another context, Mike's joke would be very funny, but here it just seems gross.


16.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Unfortunately, yeah.  It looks like they’ve neglected to clean up anything else beyond the plant itself.  Especially over this way..."

Don would say "yes" not "yeah".


17.) Re: the following:

"CUT to close on Leo, all business.
LEONARDO
And if they die, then no more merpeople.  We can’t let their species die off.  We save them no matter what!
WIDER to show our gang standing around in the woods near the swamp.  Don is checking out info on his Tech Tab.  Raphael pulls out his sais, looking like he means business.
RAPHAEL
Not if I can help it."

I understand the meaning here, but if you read Raph's line right after Leo's, it sounds very much like he wants to PREVENT them from saving the eggs! Also, should there be a "have to" in Leo's last line, i.e. "We have to save them no matter what!"


18.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (O.C.)
We might be able to re-rig them so that they fall outwards and create a new dike, one that will block the leaking dike."

To avoid using the word "dike" twice in the same line, how about:


"DONATELLO (O.C.)
We might be able to re-rig them so that they fall outwards and create a new barrier, one that will block the leaking dike."


or...


"DONATELLO (O.C.)
We might be able to re-rig them so that they fall outwards and create a new dike, one that will block the leak."


19.) Re: the following:

"BIG BEEFY GUARD
Boy, I sure hate them green enviro-mental activists.
CUT to a close-up on Mike smiling, winking and making a final comment.
MICHELANGELO (WHISPERING)
Green is the word. "

Would it be funny to give Raph a line to follow Mikey's here, something like this:


"RAPH (TO MIKEY) In your case, the word is "mental".


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #411: June 25, 2004: Re: comments on Ep. 83 outline

Subj: comments on Ep. 83 outline
Date: Friday, June 25, 2004 2:59:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 83 outline.


1.) Because, for one thing, Rat King is a character I would like to see recur on this show, I really think that we should hold off on giving too much away too quickly about the "secret origin" of the Rat King (i.e. he is -- or was -- Bishop's creation "The Slayer"). As presented here, it's too much, too soon. One of the cool things about the Rat King as he appeared in the comics was that he had some secret history to him -- he didn't just appear overnight. I always had the sense that he had been prowling that abandoned factory for years. Given the new take we are applying to the Rat King character, I realize we can't do that (because the Turtles only encountered the Slayer for the first time a relatively few episodes ago, not much more than weeks or months ago in "show time"), but I would at LEAST like to try to give this guy some time to "marinate" in his new role as the Rat King.
And though I have agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to go forward with this Slayer/Rat King idea, I still think it's not necessarily the best one and we could if we so desired extract the Slayer aspect and still have a great Rat King.

2.) Re: the following:

" It’s Mikey’s turn to be “stealth.”  He’ll be on the run from the others, wearing a bandana that he must protect from the “seekers” for as long as he can."

It is not clear to me if the bandana mentioned here is Mike's usual one or something special that he is carrying. If it is the latter, where should he be wearing it?


3.) Re: the following:

"As the others call Leo back to the hunt, we tilt up to reveal the Rat King… stuck to the side of the high building wall (he may not remember, but he retains some Slayer abilities)."

Again, I'd like to conceal the Slayer part as much as possible, and perhaps we can "cheat" this type of scene so it is unclear if he is sticking to the wall or just clinging to it.


4.) Re: the following:

"When Michelangelo comes to consciousness, he’s tied down by the wrists and ankles to an old door in the darkened, secluded bowels of the ruins."

While, as I've already said, I don't want to give away too many clues about Rat King's origin story, as I was reading this it occurred to me that this setup -- Mikey strapped to a board (or door, in this case) -- is eerily reminiscent of how perhaps the Slayer was strapped to an examining/surgical table in Bishop's lab, and maybe he has unconsciously (and crudely) replicated that environment he dimly recalls within the walls of this factory. If we like that idea, perhaps we could add some more decor and props -- old rusty stuff that SORT of looks like lab equipment, but really isn't.


5.) Re: the following:

        "Don:  “He has the advantage in this tight space!  We have to draw him out into the open!”


Raph:  “My pleasure.  I’m outta here!”

Raph slams through the wall of the arena, and Casey and his brothers follow through the makeshift door. "

If Raph can just "slam" through the wall of the "arena", it wasn't much of a trap, was it?


6.) Again, the Rat King is described as pulling off some no-humanly-possible moves during his fights with/pursuit of the Turtles... and I think we should tone this down so as not to give away too much.

7.) Re: the following:

"Raph:  “Be my guest, Nurse Honeyturtle…”"

"Nurse Honeyturtle"...? Am I missing something here, some reference?


8.) Re: the following:

"Mikey:  “Yeah, he should really take a load off those feet.  Wanna help him out, guys?”


Mikey grabs a wooden pallet from a stack, steps onto it.  As he crouches down, Casey and Raph together shove the pallet, hurtling it (and Mikey) toward the Rat King.  Mike “surfs” the pallet as it knocks the Rat King’s feet out from under him, Mikey popping up and kicking the Rat King in the chest while he’s off-balance."

I appreciate it when writers try to add new and creative ways to improve fight scenes, but this one is just terribly contrived and silly.


9.) And here's another bit of silly action:

"The Rat King pounds the overhanging edge of a metal sheet with both fists, a lever-and-fulcrum effect that sends a stack of bricks up into the air.  With a flurry of lightning-fast kicks and punches, the Rat King sends bricks flying as projectiles – too many for his enemies to dodge."

This kind of "Roadrunner"-type stuff really reminds me of the old show. Bleh.


10.) If there is any way we can tweak this episode so it is not just (as it seems to be now) more or less one long running monster fight, I think that would be great. Also, it is unclear to me WHERE this setting is. Casey mentions in the beginning of the story that he "used to take the train out here from school", but what does that mean, exactly? Is this Massachusetts or NYC?


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #410: June 22, 200: Re: second draft of Ep. 80 ("The People's Choice")

Subj: Re: Show  80
Date: Tuesday, June 22, 2004 12:27:17 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


After your mysteriously missing email last week (before your visit) and this latest thing with me not getting either draft of Ep. 80, I hope we are not heading into some new "email void" problem.


Anyway, here are my comments on the second draft of Ep. 80 (I didn't bother reading the first).


1.) Re: the following:

"PREVIEW
FADE IN:
*EXT. OLD SAW MILL – NIGHT
*MIKEY – lying on his back in the grass, his eyes closed, *looking deceptively relaxed.
*MICHELANGELO (V.O.)
You couldn’t ask for a better day to go campin’.  
*CLOSER ON MIKE – his eyes blink open and he stares up at…
*MIKEY’S P.O.V. - …the big blue sky, PINE TREES blowing in the *breeze.  A BLUE BIRD <TWITTERING> and flitting around overhead.
*MICHELANGELO (V.O.)
The sun is sunnin’, the trees are treein’, the birds are birdin’…"

A minor point, but it IS confusing -- is this day or night? It starts out as "EXT. OLD SAW MILL - NIGHT" but then everything that Mike describes reflects daytime.


2.) Re: the following:

"*MICHELANGELO (V.O. CONT’D)
There’s nothin’ cooler than mega robots, alien blobs or cat fights from Mars.  "

The "from Mars" bit is slightly tired and probably inappropriate here, so why not change it to "from outer space" or "from space", or change the whole "cat fights from Mars" to "intergalactic cat fights"?


3.) Re: the following:

"ESTABLISH – It’s a beautiful starry night with a full moon.  A *forest of tall pine trees surrounds a 100-foot wide LAKE created by a 10-foot high rock dam that was once fed by a now *dried up, little river.  The forest has been clear cut a *quarter mile around an old, abandoned 3-story saw mill with a *water wheel sits just below the dam beside a dry river bed. "

Not to be too picky -- and I don't really think I am, because this is a key location -- but I'm a little unclear about how a 100-foot wide lake (which I would call a pond) which was apparently created by damming a "little river" could continue to exist for very long if that little river is "now dried up". I don't see the point of having the river dried up -- maybe it figures into the story later on, but right now it makes no logical sense to me.


4.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
<deep breath of fresh air> Just look at this place.  They just don’t build turn of the century saw mills like this anymore.
*WIDER ANGLE - Mikey looks around at the tree stumps.
*MICHELANGELO
Probably because they were running out of trees."

I'm all for Mike making a snappy/funny comment here, but this one is pretty lame, especially after this location is described earlier as surrounded by a "forest of tall pine trees". Maybe something like "Probably because it's not the turn of the century anymore" or "You think it's got indoor plumbing?"


5.) Re: the following:

"*OTS SPLINTER - looks at his wrist, which doesn’t have a watch.
SPLINTER (OS)
Oh, yes.  I did not realize how late it was."

This "looks at his wrist" bit is ALMOST funny, but really unnecessary, and not very Splinter-like.


6.) Re: the following:

"*TURTLE’S P.O.V. - Suddenly, the shooting star turns, coming their way!  
*MED SHOT – Mikey and Don’s smiles turn to puzzled expressions.
DONATELLO
It turned!  But that’s an astronomical impossibility!"

There's something weird in this context about the phrase "astronomical impossibility", but in any event, given the Turtles' recent experiences with space ships and aliens, I think that most likely the first thing to jump into their minds would be that this thing is most likely some kind of spaceship. So I think it would work better if Don didn't seem so stunned, but instead just said something like "It turned! That's no ordinary shooting star!" or maybe better, he could start saying something and be interrupted by the "shooting star"'s crash -- like "It turned! That would indicate it's some kind of technological -- " (and then he has to jump for it.


7.) Re: the following:

"ANGLE FROM THE LAKE - The trail of bubbles keeps moving towards them.
MIKE AND RAPH – They’re a mix of bewildered and apprehensive.
ANGLE FROM THE LAKE - The trail of bubbles keeps getting closer.
*DON AND LEO – Leo puts his hands on his katanas, ready for *trouble, while Don shows more curiosity."

I like the fact that Don is "more curious", but the way Mike and Raph are described makes them seem really passive and stupid, and doesn't fit in with past behavior -- under these kinds of circumstances, they would most certainly be getting ready for trouble, not just stupidly gawking. If the idea is that Leo -- given his current emotional problems -- is more on edge, let him get his weapons out first and/or display a greater edginess than the others. But the other Turtles would certainly arm themselves under these circumstances.


8.) When the "robot" first comes out of the water and the Turtles confront it, I think there is a good opportunity for some Mikey humor and a nod to one of the all-time classic sci-fi movies, as follows:

"*DOWN SHOT - The robot continues its approach the turtles.
RAPHAEL
Hold it right there, sparky.
*FAVOR DON as he holds up a hand toward his brothers.
*DONATELLO 
Hey, guys, maybe it’s friendly.
*MICHELANGELO
Donnie could be right! Let me try something... (MIKE steps forward, raises one hand, palm out) "Klaatu barada nikto"!
*STRAIGHT ON - The robot stops.
QUICK CUTS:
*OTS DOWN ANGLE – The robot stares down at the uncertain *turtles.
*OTS UP ANGLE – The turtles stare up at the giant robot.
*MED UP ANGLE – the robot raises its right forearm to point at *the turtles…
STRAIGHT ON – the robot’s forearm TRANSFORMS into something that looks like an ENERGY CANNON.  
*CLOSE ON LEO – He looks pissed.
*LEONARDO
(grimly)
Maybe it’s not!

Actually, it probably makes sense to lose Leo's last line there.


9.) Re: the following:

"*MIKE uses a WOODEN SPOON to toss eggs into the air one at a *time and whack their shells off <CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK…>
*CLOSE - The CONTENTS OF 5 EGGS fall into the frying pan Mike *holds over the fire and <CRACKLE>. 
*WIDE ANGLE – Raph grabs Don’s staff and hits the bottom of the *pan, sending the eggs flying.
*RAPHAEL
I like mine over easy.
*MIKEY
Hey!
*TRACK EGGS as they fly through the air.
*MIKE flips backwards, keeping his eyes on the flying eggs.
*ON MIKE – as he DIVES TOWARD CAMERA, catching the now scrambled *eggs in the pan, and sprawls on the ground, looking up at…
*MICHELANGELO
Hope you like scrambled."

This whole slapstick routine leaves me cold. What's the point? Raph's behavior makes him seem like a thuggish vandal -- why is he deliberately trying to ruin breakfast? And Mike whacking the eggs' shells off in midair is just too stupid.


10.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
(in awe)
A universal translator.  
RAPHAEL
I still don’t understand what she’s yammerin’ about."

I wonder if it might be good if we added something to make it clear that it's not that Raphael can't understand the words she is speaking, but that he doesn't get her meaning, perhaps as follows:

"DONATELLO
(in awe)
A universal translator.  
RAPHAEL
See if it has a "Make Sense" setting -- 'cause I still don’t understand what she’s yammerin’ about."

11.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
(mouth full)
Sounds pretty much the same way we do it here.
*PAN OVER to Don.  He shakes his head.
*DONATELLO
Not quite.  We elect a new leader and the old one steps down.  It’s a peaceful process."

So the Turtles vote? Sorry... but maybe there should be a little thing to indicate that Don's talking about what HUMANS do. It could be as simple as this:

"MICHELANGELO
(mouth full)
Sounds pretty much the same way they do it here.
*PAN OVER to Don.  He shakes his head.
*DONATELLO
Not quite.  We -- well, not US exactly, but humans in this country -- elect a new leader and the old one steps down.  It’s a peaceful process."

12.) Re: the following:

"*JHANNA
Your process sounds fair."

Given that Jhanna apparently has no problem with HER system of choosing a leader -- at least when it's done correctly and without treachery --I though it might be fun to add a bit as follows:

*JHANNA
Your process sounds fair, if a little... boring."

13.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
What is your people new she tried to ambush you!"

I think that's supposed to read:

*DONATELLO
What if your people knew she tried to ambush you?"

14.) Re: the following:

"PULL OUT as Moriah’s alien monsters (G’viss, EEL BEAST, ROCK BEAST AND BUBBLE BEAST) emerge from the forest behind her.  <ROARING, HISSING, GROWLING>
ANGLE ON TURTLES – PUSH IN - Don and Mike with surprised looks – Leo and Raph ready to kick butt."

Given the circumstances, why do Mike and Don have "surprised looks" while Leo and Raph don't?


15.) Re: the following: 

"*NEW ANGLE – LEO runs into shot and drives on of his katana, *like a javelin, piercing the beast’s belly with the tip.  *<GURGLING ROAR>"

This action is a bit confusing. I take "like a javelin" to mean that something is THROWN (like a javelin) -- is Leo throwing his sword? And why is he just "piercing the beast's belly with the tip" when he could SLASH with his katana and open up a BIG hole?


16. Re: the following:

"*WIDE – Jhanna runs toward Moriah, her weapon raised.  The rock *beast is looking the other way until…"

I don't get why the rock beast is "looking the other way" -- is there something more interesting than the woman he is supposed to be trying to kill?


17.) I absolutely hate everything in the "breakfast in bed" scene. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Makes NO sense. Pointless and infantile.


18.) Re: the following:

"*ON DON AND G’VISS – as he forces the surprised lizard down.
DONATELLO
Buckle up, we’re about to hit some turbulence."

I like "snappy patter" as much as the next guy, but this seems very weak, inappropriate and unnecessary. I'd lose it.


19.) Re: the following:

"Back in the ruins of the old mill Moriah moves toward the fallen Jhanna." 

Hmmm... I thought they (Moriah and Jhanna)  were OUTSIDE the mill last time we saw them? And how has Jhanna "fallen"? The last we saw of her she had been briefly pinned, then released, by the rock beast. What happened to make her "fall"?


20.) Re: the following:

"OTS MIKEY - faces the rock monster as it lumbers towards him.  Still twenty feet from Mike, the rock beast punches its fist into the ground.  
*CLOSER - PAN muddy ground <CRACKING/LIFTING> in a line TOWARD *CAMERA.
MICHELANGELO
Now how about lending me a HAAAA-!
*The rock creature’s hand bursts from the ground under Mikey and *grabs his leg as he tries to leap away."

This is TOTALLY bizarre. What amazing capabilities are we giving this rock creature now? It can suddenly STRETCH like Mr. Fantastic underground?


21.) Re: the following:

"*WIDE DOWN SHOT OF BATTLE FIELD – CAMERA ROTATES CCW – all the *creatures are down or destroyed, the turtles and Jhanna are *down, as well (moving slightly).  Moriah begins to walk toward Jhanna.
LOW ANGLE - As the DUST settles, Moriah walks past the sprawled bodies of the turtles toward Jhanna and stops.
MORIAH smiles as she looks down at her opponent.
MORIAH
I win.
*O.T.S. MORIAH’S - On the barely moving Jhanna.  Suddenly *Donatello leaps in between them, brandishing his staff."

Another weak and confusing moment in the staging of the action in this episode. How can Donatello come leaping in when it was just stated that the Turtles are "down"?


22.) Re: the following:

"MORIAH turns on Jhanna, brandishing her weapon with devilish glee.  (This is better than sex!)  She moves to strike.
*ON THE TURTLES – They look at each other, wondering if they *should give these girls some privacy."

I have the uncomfortable feeling that I just got an unintended peek into the writer's mind, and... yuck. "Better than sex"? "Give these girls some privacy"? Ewwww.


23.) Re: the following:

"*NEW ANGLE - …kick Moriah in the back, sending her flying OS, *before landing.  Jhanna jumps into the air again…
*THE TURTLES exchange looks.
MICHELANGELO
Cool move!  I gotta remember that one.
*DONATELLO
We won’t interfere.  
Don leads them OS toward trees."

Don's "We won't interfere" line, coming right after Mike's "Cool move!  I gotta remember that one" seems like a total non sequitur. And why are they moving towards the trees? They can't stay where they are and not interfere? I don't get it.
And then, a few lines later, when Moriah has Jhanna pinned, the Turtles come "RUNNING TOWARD THEM". Some non-interference!


24.) Re: the following:

"OTS JHANNA - Moriah kicks Jhanna in the back and pins her to the tree.  
*PAN from Moriah, down her extended leg to Jhanna.
MORIAH
Concede, peasant.
JHANNA
Not as long as I breathe!
*MORIAH
My pleasure.
*NEW ANGLE – INCLUDE TURTLES RUNNING TOWARD THEM – as Moriah *begins to push her foot into Jhanna’s back, crushing the *breath from her.
*CLOSE ANGLE - Jhanna’s gauntlet’s GLOW and she <BREAKS> the trunk of the tree, <SNAPPING> it off.
ANGLE - She swings the tree around like a baseball bat, <BREAKING> it against two other trees before…"

A few odd things here. FIrst, Moriah's "My pleasure" line is I think meant to show how cruel and sadistic she is but it doesn't really work or make sense. 
And the whole bit with Jhanna snapping off the tree and hitting Moriah with it makes me shake my head. How big is this tree? You'd have to think that it was pretty sizeable so that Moriah could pin Jhanna against it... but if it's really big, that means that Jhanna's glowing bracelet gave her some kind of superpower  that allowed her to pull off this stunt, and if she has this magic bracelet power then she wasn't really in much jeopardy to begin with, was she? So her win is really not because she's strong or good or clever or courageous, but because she has magic super powered bracelets. Lame.


25.) Re: the following:

"ON VAN – As the door <SLAMS CLOSED> Raphael notices that Casey and April look upset.
RAPHAEL
What’s with you two?
*WIDE ANGLE – as the van does a U-turn and drives away.
*APRIL & CASEY
<mumble under their breath>."

What a truly ridiculous non-resolution to a truly pointless exercise (the whole Casey/April thing in this episode). Why even have them in it if it is going to be this foolish?


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #409: June 15, 2004: Re: notes on Ep. 82 outline

Subj: notes on Ep. 82 outline
Date: Tuesday, June 15, 2004 2:48:10 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 82 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"As the engine driver is trying to stop the speeding train, Purple Dragons press a detonator exploding a section of track.  The train comes barreling forward as we go to …




ACT TWO:


The train continues and derails in a huge crash.  Soon, Purple Dragons swarm all over the train as …"


This would probably look pretty cool, but I wonder if it makes sense that the Purple Dragons would risk damaging -- possibly destroying -- the precious cargo inside that train by forcing it to "derail in a huge crash". Perhaps some other less destructive method is in order.


2.) The scene with Bishop getting chewed out by the President and having to swallow his anger and pride made me think of the Utrom exosuit-based robots that the Shredder had been making some time back -- wasn't one of them a duplicate President? What happened to that robot? The thought occurred to me when reading this scene was that if Bishop had somehow salvaged this robot from the wreckage of the Shredder's HQ, he might consider a plan to replace the President with it. However. if that robot was destroyed in a previous episode, please ignore this comment.


3.) Re: the following:

"As Bishop and his aide are walking down a hall, the aide informs Agent Bishop that there’s a problem.  “Sir, tonight’s shipment was hijacked.  X9812 was on that train.”"

There is nothing per se wrong with the name or identifier X9812, but I wonder if a cooler name might be better. 


4.) I have nothing against the action scenes of Casey and Leo fighting the Purple Dragons, but I think we need to give some thought about WHAT they are actually doing and trying to accomplish. The way it is written right now, Leo and Casey are just beating up on as many Purple Dragons as they can find, Casey because that's his nature and Leo because he has some stuff going on that needs an outlet. But... what does that accomplish? We know that because this is the TV show, first and foremost, and also because our heroes aren't stone-cold killers, that the Purple Dragons are not going to be "stopped" by being killed. So -- are Leo and Casey going to beat them all up, and then leave? What is accomplished by doing that? The Purple Dragons will moan and groan... and then heal up and be back doing their dirty work.
I think perhaps that Leo and Casey should intend that the Purple Dragons are stopped by the authorities, and it's up to Leo and Casey to let the authorities know what they have found out -- namely, the Purple Dragons have this warehouse full of stolen stuff.  Maybe when they get to the warehouse and see what's going on there, Casey could say to Leo "So... should we call the cops now, or later?" Leo could think for a moment... then smile wickedly and say "Later." (The idea is that while Leo does believe that the right thing to do is to alert the authorities, he's also feeling that he'd like to work out some of his angst on these convenient Purple Dragon targets... and THEN alert the authorities.)


5.) Re: the following:

"Casey pulls a pin and tosses the grenade belt back into the warehouse.


Hun is just coming back into his warehouse to reclaim it.  Let that idiot Jones and that freak turtle worry about that monster.  “Let’s load up.  I want all this moved to our main headquarters and …”


But, Hun’s smile soon turns to a frown as he sees the grenade belt … and (jump cut in on) the grenade with the pulled pin!  “Aw crud!”


And, the whole warehouse explodes silhouetting Casey and Leo as they follow the monster’s trail.  They hear the channel bell tolling getting a little louder."

While this is pyrotechnically cool, it is also hugely irresponsible on Casey's part -- blowing up a warehouse full of who knows what kind of deadly munitions in the middle of New York City? That's more of a "bad guy" move.


6.) The idea that the monster in this episode is a tragic figure and once was a sailor in the US Navy who has somehow been transformed (by Bishop, I assume) is sort of cool, but the scene with his widow AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME sitting on here balcony wearing black and holding his photo is really a bit much. In fact, all of that stuff is fairly irrelevant, and might just get in the way of the storytelling. I think. Isn't the real point that this innocent sailor was turned into a monster? The grieving widow is sort of gilding the lily, I think.
Also, I have to question the idea that Bishop and his crew would turn this guy into a mutant monster -- and yet still LEAVE HIS DOGTAGS ON HIM!!! Doesn't that seem a bit goofy?
I also have to say that while I understand that we want to show that Leo is more pissed off than usual, he seems way too bloodthirsty in the way that he pursues and deliberately burns alive the monster, and apparently has fun doing it.


     -- Pete