Blast from the Past #552: December 12, 2005: Re: Show 137 1st Draft, and December 13, 2007: Re: TMNT155 Second Draft and Re: Something Wicked- 156 1st draft

Subj: Re: Show 137 1st Draft
Date: Monday, December 12, 2005 3:04:55 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 137 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"PAN AROUND THE ROOM - Splinter wraps PRESENTS, Don <INFLATES> BALLOONS with a futuristic-looking HELIUM TANK."

Maybe it would be cool if Don is using a futuristic balloon-creating gizmo -- I'm seeing a handheld thing with a small (soda can-sized) tank of some kind of gas (helium?) attached, and a smaller reservoir of balloon-making gunk, with a pistol grip and a trigger: when you pull the trigger, the gunk forms into a balloon shape, inflated to whatever size wanted. The device could also create "shaped" balloons, by moving the device around as the trigger is held down. There could even be a color setting knob which could be set to produce whatever color balloon desired.


2.) Re: the following:

"CODY
This is impossible.  I rigged that armor with every kind of security protocol imaginable.  Who could’ve breached it?  
SERLING
I could have.
Everybody turns to Serling, looking at him funny.  Serling glares back.  How could they even think that?    
SERLING
And so could any of YOU. But we didn’t."

This exchange is weird. Are we REALLY supposed to believe that -- even with "every kind of security protocol imaginable" installed by Cody into Turtle X -- it could still be breached by Serling, any one of the Turtles and/or Splinter? That seems bizarre.


3.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X pivots toward the Hover Shell… and suddenly POPS OUT A HUGE ARRAY OF DEADLY WEAPONRY (think Darius’ Battle Suit.  On steroids!) – all aimed at the Hover Shell. "

I trust that this does not mean a "something out of nothing" effect like what Jim Carrey does in "The Mask" -- giant weapons coming out of nowhere, things that couldn't POSSIBLY fit inside the armor as is.


4.) Re: the following:

"The Hover Shell tumbles back toward… an ONCOMING MAG LEV TRAIN!
INT. HOVER SHELL – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
The Guys react as the Mag Lev Train barrels toward them.


LEONARDO
Donnie!  Make like a banana and split! 


EXT. MID-TOWN – CONTINUOUS
The Hover Shell splits at the last second, narrowly missing collision as the oncoming train <WHIZZES> between the two halves.  The “cab” still manages to get <NICKED> by the train and goes <CAREENING> to an ELEVATED ROADWAY for a rough landing."

Leo would not make this stupid gag... and I doubt he would say "Donnie".
And I have to say that it seems bizarre that, instead of just using the whole Hovershell's engines and maneuvering capability to DODGE the train, the Turtles separate the Hovershell into its two parts... which MUST take longer to do than just dodging. I'm not even sure WHY this action (separating the two halves of the Hovershell) has to take place... but if it IS necessary for some plot purpose, it would be smarter, I think, to have the Turtles separate the two pieces of the Hovershell as a TACTIC to battle Turtle X as opposed to a reaction to an oncoming train.


5.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Then WE’LL just have to give it a DOWNgrade, because…
ALL FOUR TURTLES/CODY
IT’S NINJA TIME!"

This "It's ninja time!" bit is getting more than slightly nauseating to me, especially when it is used as a "group battle cry". If we MUST have it here, let's have it said by ONE of the Turtles (like Mike or Raph) as follows:


"LEONARDO
Then WE’LL just have to give it a DOWNgrade, because…
MICEHLANGLEO
...IT’S NINJA TIME!"


6.) Re: the following:

"TURTLE X – hoists a HOVER CAR overhead and hurls it at Leonardo,  who whips out his KATANAS and <SLICES> through the center of the car, its two halves <CRASHING> harmlessly to either side of him."

I think if a little thought is given to this action, it should be obvious that it makes no sense, unless Leo's swords also have the power to instantaneously REPEL large masses as they cut through them (something I don't think we have established) -- otherwise he's just going to be hit by two pieces instead of one. And why doesn't he just dodge the hover car instead of turning it into TWO dangerous projectiles instead of one?


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I get it.  Time for Turtles to play “chicken”."

Another dopey non-Leo line stuffed in Leo's mouth. This is much more like something Mike or Raph would say.


8.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X <HEAD BUTTS> Serling, sending him woozily collapsing."

"Woozily collapsing"...? SIlly.


9.) Re: the following:

"SERLING – once again stubbornly/bravely steps up to Turtle X.  
SERLING
As a fellow machine, surely you can listen to reason."

Unless Serling is a COMPLETE dunce, he has to realize that Turtle X is NOT an independent robot, but rather a piloted robotic exosuit. SO this line is totally lame and silly.


10.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
This is all my fault.  I should have protected Master Cody.
MICHELANGELO
How?  By dusting the lab better?  Face it, dude, you’re a domestic.  Save the heroics for the heroes.
LEONARDO
Harsh much, Mikey?
(to Serling)
What he meant was you did everything you could.  Don’t beat yourself up."

"Harsh much, Mikey?" should go... it's lame, slangy and not very Leo-ish.


11.) Re: the following:

"LEO, DON AND MIKEY – whip out their weapons and leap at Turtle X, <SLAMMING> hard into the exo-armor, barely budging it, but forcing it to drop Starlee.  
STARLEE
What’s going on here?!
DONATELLO – grabs Starlee and rushes her toward the LAB."

Starlee's line here is just... nothing. Pointless and more than a little silly.


12.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Getta loada dis.  The signal stops right in da middle a’ da East River."

And in the middle of battle, Raph cracks and starts talking like a cliched Brooklyn street thug.


13.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
We’re almost done here, guys!  Just hold him off a two more minutes!"

I think that "a" is unnecessary. 


14.) Re: the following:

"RE-ESTABLISH - Turtle X has Leo and Mikey in its clutches, its weapons aimed at them, while Darius has Splinter and Raph in his clutches, his Battle Suits weapons aimed at them.  
CODY/TURTLE X
Please, Uncle Darius… I don’t want to do this."

Cody's line is odd. HE knows -- as we ALL do, as do all the Turtles, Splinter and Starlee -- that HE is not "doing this"... it's Darius, controlling the Turtle X suit. So I would suggest changing that line to something like "Please, Uncle Darius… don't do this."


15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I sent the virus program to our gauntlets.  One of us just needs to get close enough to Cody to upload it into his armor’s operating system. "

... because, as we all know, in the future, radio waves are much SHORTER. Dumb! Unless what is meant is that because of Turtle X's security "firewalls", the upload needs to be done with a PHYSICAL connection... and if that is the case, then let's SAY it.


16.) Re: the following:

"CODY
Don’t worry, Serling.  I’m gonna fix you.  Make you better than ever.  
SERLING
Please… make me strong… so I can protect you better… "

Two uses of "better" so close together is awkward. Perhaps this small change would be "better":


"CODY
Don’t worry, Serling.  I’m gonna fix you.  Make you better than ever.  
SERLING
Please… make me strong… so I can protect as I should… "


17.) I'm not sure if this can or should be worked into the story, but I thought it might make for a fun visual: Perhaps one thing that Cody could do when he is trapped within Turtle X and Darius is "waldoing" Turtle X (i.e. moving his battlesuit's limbs and forcing Turtle X's limbs to follow those movements) is to come up with some software or hardware "hack" that allows him to (if only temporarily) REVERSE that command structure -- so that CODY can use Turtle X's fists to SMASH into itself... with the result on the other end that Darius' battlesuit's fists correspondingly smash into itself, contributing to the disabling of Darius' battlesuit as well as Turtle X.


-- Pete

-----------------------------------------------

Subj: Re:  TMNT155 Second Draft
Date: Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:21:24 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

comments on Ep. 155 2nd draft "Karate Schooled"


1.) Re: the following:

"*EXT. ALLEY – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
*THE HAULER is about to impact the wall but suddenly GOES STRAIGHT UP with <BLASTS> from underneath RISING UP AND UP as …
*INT. HAULER – CONT’D
*Michelangelo is thrown around and PRESSED down hard in the wild vertical ride.
*EXT. ROOFTOP – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
*The Hauler comes up and lands (gently) lowering to the rooftop.
*INT. HAULER – ROOFTOP – NIGHT – CONT’D
*Michelangelo is upside-down and sprawled all over the inside of the Hauler.
*MICHELANGELO
This … this crate can fly?
*LEONARDO
Something you might have known if you had helped out more.
*RAPHAEL
Yeah, Donny can make these beauties all on his lonesome."

A couple of things here. First, the idea that this "Hauler" can FLY, while not completely silly, is close enough to preposterous that I think we should seriously limit how much flying it can do, or it's going to turn into "Fast Forward". I suggest adding a line here, perhaps as follows:


"*MICHELANGELO
This … this crate can fly?
RAPHAEL
For short emergency hops, anyway.
*LEONARDO
Something you might have known if you had helped out more."

Also, Raph's last line had me scratching my head -- what is he trying to say here? It seems especially odd given the setup by Mike's and Leo's lines preceding it.


2.) Re: the following:

"THE HAULER side door <OPENS>.  Looking a little battered and worn out, Leonardo and Raphael help a semi-conscious Casey into the HAULER.
MASTER KHAN gets to his feet.
MASTER KHAN
You shall not escape!
ON THE HAULER now contains the three turtles and Casey.  Mikey smiles.
*RAPHAEL
Once around the dojo and home, James!"

While Raph's line is kind of funny, I think it might be more appropriate to use that line to say something about why the Turtles appear to be running away from the fight (something they would not ordinarily do). My suggestion would be for one of them (could be Raph) to say something about how they'd like to stick around and continue to kick shell, but they have to get their buddy Casey to safety.


3.) Re: the following:

"*APRIL
He’s … I can’t get him to even take five minutes break.  He hasn’t eaten.  He hasn’t slept.  He’s been linking up all sorts of equipment to the internet … half of it way beyond me."

April's first line reads somewhat awkwardly to me. I would suggest changing it to "He... I can't get him to take even a five-minute break."


-- Peter

-------------------------------------------

Subj: Re:   Something Wicked- 156 1st draft
Date: Thursday, December 13, 2007 12:50:41 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 156 first draft "Something Wicked"


1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (CONT’D)
Wake up!  He’s alive!  I found him!
DONATELLO <SHAKES> SERLING …
SERLING
Oh how sad.  I was just dreaming of being back in the future.
ON THE COMPUTER SCREENS/HIGH-TECH EQUIPMENT – The other three turtles join Donatello.
DONATELLO
Master Splinter’s alive!"

Unless there is an absolute need to use this kind of conceptual shorthand, I think we should try to find another way to have Don express that he has (a) found Master Splinter's essence, and (b) that he thinks it MAY be possible to return him to the realm of the living, physical world. Right now, the way it plays it seems like all they need to do is drive down the Information Superhighway, pick Splinter up, and bring him back.


2.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (CONT’D)
It digitized Master Splinter and his data bits were spread throughout the internet.  But, it’s him.  If we can gather up all those Splinter data bits, we can bring him back!"

Again, I think there should be a little more uncertainty here -- it just seems WAY too simple for Don to say "If we can gather up all those Splinter data bits, we can bring him back!" Perhaps a better way to express this hope-with-uncertainty would be to change that line to something like this:


"If we can gather up all those Splinter data bits, we might be able to bring him back!"


3.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
How the shell are we gonna do that?
DONATELLO
We have to go into cyberspace.
LEONARDO
Is it safe?
MICHELANGELO
Of course it’s safe.  It’s the internet.  Chat rooms and video clips.  What could possibly go wrong?"

A couple of things here. One, I think it might be better character-wise if instead of saying "We have to go into cyberspace", Don says "I have to go into cyberspace." (The idea being that he is still feeling guilty and responsible and thus views this dangerous mission as something HE has to attmept.) But his brothers immediately correct him and let him know that there's no way they are going to let him put himself in harm's way without them being by his side.
Secondly, Leo's "Is it safe?" line seems oddly wimpy for Leo. I would think that a more likely comment/question would be "Is it possible?" I know that would remove the set up for Mike's humorous quips, but we could probably live without them.


4.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO (CONT’D)
I’ve made a study of Viral and her abilities and have incorporated as much as I could into the tech-gear.  Still, there are some dangerous variables.  I figured a field test would be fastest.  So, ready or not …
ON - With that, Donatello steps up and INTO the Cyber Portal.  <ZAP>  He’s gone.
REVERSE ON - Leo, Raph and Mikey just watch Donny go.  They share a look.
MICHELANGELO
What did he say exactly?
RAPHAEL
I don’t know … some geek-gobbledygook.  Let’s just go."

The passive reactions of Leo, Raph and Mike to Don's action here seem totally out of character (they "just watch Donny go") ESPECIALLY given that Don just told them that "there are some dangerous variables" and he is being the guinea pig for the "first field test". I would expect at least SOME reaction like one of them yelling "No, wait --!" as it dawns on them that Don is taking this first, potentially dangerous step.


5.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
All that talk of digitized bits and molecular transference is making my brain hurt.
RAPHAEL
Like you have a brain."

The "no brain" joke is almost always funny, but -- given that we recently did something almost exactly like this in "Karate Schooled" (as follows):

"MICHELANGELO
It’s like … that Khan guy … he’s inside my head.
RAPHAEL
(struggling)
Should … be … plenty of room … in there … for him."

... I suggest altering it slightly, perhaps like this:


"MICHELANGELO
All that talk of digitized bits and molecular transference is making my brain hurt.
RAPHAEL
At last, Mikey -- proof you that you HAVE a brain!"


6.) Re: the following:

"INT. CYBER PORTAL – CONT’D
Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo are <DIGITIZED> and through strange glowing light …
CYBER TRAVEL TO:
INT. CHAT ROOM – CYBERSPACE – CONT’D
<ZAP> Raph, Leo and Mikey APPEAR inside a large chamber … a chat room with all sorts of LOUD VOICES …
LOUD VOICES
<CHAT ROOM WALLA>
MICHELANGELO
Guys check it out!  We’re in a Chat Room!  Emoticon time!  Raph, smile!
Mikey makes a SMILEY FACE in the “air” with his finger in front of Raph’s face … but Raph PUNCHES it out of existence and Mikey is all FROWNY and <ZAP> and the three turtles are gone …
INT. VIDEO CLIP – CYBERSPACE – CONT’D
<ZAP> - Raph, Leo and Mikey APPEAR in the middle of a video clip on MeeToob.com: a YOUNG MAN is singing …
YOUNG MAN
(singing)
Raining rain … gonna be raining rain …
Raphael = Sigh.
RAPHAEL
I hate the internet.
<ZAP> The three turtles VANISH and …
EXT. “STREETS” – CYBERSPACE – CONT’D
<ZAP> Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo DROP down directly into the middle of a “street” …
A BLINDING BALL OF ENERGY is coming right at them!"

Why are the Turtles popping in and out of random Internet situations when they first arrive... and then it doesn't happen anymore?


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I had no idea it would be so vast."

This seems like a slightly dumb thing for Leo to say. After all, he's smart, he knows about the Internet and how extensive it is. I would suggest changing this slightly as follows:


"LEONARDO
I knew it would be big... but THIS --!"


8.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO freaks and lays down his X-Runner <SKIDDING> almost directly to the foot of Cyber Shredder."

I know that for the sake of animated action, it might be useful to bring "real world" physics (i.e. as in this case, going really fast and trying to stop, quickly resulting in a skid) into Cyberspace, but it might be cooler/weirder if we take the tack that this IS Cyberspace, after all, and the laws of real-world physics don't necessarily apply. In this instance, because Mikey in this "form" is just a collection of electronic pulses and data, he could stop dead in his tracks with no ill effects (no deceleration forces, no falling over/skidding).


9.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
How is it even possible?!"

This doesn't sound like something big-brain Don would say.


10.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER (V.O. CONT’D)
I was smart enough to be prepared for all contingencies."

The Shredder saying he was "smart enough" sounds a little weak (like "I was JUST smart enough, but no more")... I think someone with his ego would say something more like "My superior intelligence allowed me to prepare for all contingencies." (Not REALLY true, but he would clearly believe it!)


11.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER (V.O. CONT’D)
I was scanned and re-scanned to create a digital engram of myself …
ON A LARGE COMPUTER SCREEN – The scanning CREATES a digitized replication of the UTROM SHREDDER and the SHREDDER EXO-SUIT …
SHREDDER (V.O. CONT’D)
… as a backup in case anything should go wrong.
… the computerized image of the Exo-Suit CHANGES as it merges with the image of the replication of the Utrom Shredder and …
SHREDDER (V.O. CONT’D)
This backup was constantly updated to the very last minute … I can even remember your last attack on my headquarters in Manhattan."

There seems to be a bit of a logic problem here -- if the creation of this "digital backup" requires "scanning and re-scanning", how is it possible that a "backup was constantly updated to the very last minute"? It seems more likely that the Shredder would schedule regular scans for backup... and that he would have lost some of the last few things that happened to him.


12.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Yes, it is.  We’re in an accounting software program for a big company behind several firewalls … the safest place I could find at the spur of the moment."

VERY minor point, but -- I believe it should be "ON the spur of the moment", not "at".


13.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Look out cyberspace, there’s a new sheriff in town … four of ‘em.  They’re green.  They’re lean and they’re mean … ready to kick some cyber butt."

Mike's first line here sounds very awkward (even given Mike's occasional mangling of language). I suggest a change, perhaps as follows:


"MICHELANGELO
Look out cyberspace, there are four new sheriffs in town!  They’re green.  They’re lean and they’re mean … ready to kick some cyber butt."


14.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
I’ve had enough of this!  Think like the Shredder!  All right, I’ll think like the Shredder.
Raphael makes a furious attack at the Cyber Shredder and actually <SINKS> a cyber sai into the Cyber Shredder’s shoulder.
SHREDDER
<ANGER AND PAIN NOISE>
Raphael is almost stunned …
RAPHAEL
I got him!  I actually …
But, the Cyber Shredder <BLASTS> Raphael away with a burst of electricity.
MICHELANGELO isn’t about to not follow up.
MICHELANGELO
If Raph can hit him, I can hit him!"


This whole "think like the Shredder" thing needs to be re-thought (no pun intended), as right now it doesn't seem to make much sense. For example, HOW in this scene is Raph "thinking like the Shredder"... and how does it allow him to get in a hit?
It seems to me that the operative idea should not be "think like the Shredder", but something like "think like a Cybernaut"... i.e., take advantage of the unique properties you have while existing in cyberspace.


15.) This is shaping up to be a fun romp. I think it would be cool if we could try to conceptualize some new and different looks for Cyberspace. I'm not sure what they would be, exactly, but possibly we should consider using some actual CG effects in some of these sequences -- i.e., instead of "electricity" or "fire", some nifty kind of "digital particle swarm" effect.


-- Pete