Blast from the Past #523: December 19, 2005: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") Outline, and December 22, 2005: Re: 138 and Re: Show 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") Third Draft

Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory") Outline
Date: Monday, December 19, 2005 10:05:33 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 12/16/05 3:16:53 PM, joseph writes:

Hello All,


I hope this letter finds you well! Enclosed, please find an outline 
for Episode #138. Two notes regarding this episode:


1) As a result of a writer dropping out on us late in the schedule, 
this story is pretty hot deadline-wise. It would be greatly 
appreciated if you could turn notes around as quickly as possible so 
that the new writer can jump into his first draft.


2) Specifically for Pete - One of the ideas for doing a wild racing 
episode was to try and connect the Turtles' adventures in 2105 with 
the Planet Racers. In your comments for the premise of this episode 
(which was essentially thrown out except for the idea of the race) 
you said that you didn't want Godman involved in the story. I took 
that to mean THAT particular story, which was certainly problematic. 
This version is much more straight-forward and so I left him in to 
see if it would work better for you. If not, then we can obviously 
take Godman out and eliminate any connection to the Planet Racers, 
but I wanted to give it one more shot.


Thank you all for your kind attention, and I look forward to your 
comments!


-J

Lloyd,


Much improved! Here are my comments on the Ep. 138 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"We’re at the starting line for the race at the MEADOWLANDS – which is now a sprawling mega sports complex.  


Cody: “Why do they call this the Meadowlands?  There’s no meadow here.”
Raphael: “Got news fer ya, kid.  Wasn’t one in OUR time either.”

Small suggested change to Raph's line as follows:


"Raphael: “Got news fer ya, kid.  Wasn’t much of one in OUR time either.”


2.) Re: the following:

"The ANNOUNCER from “Headlock Prime” fills us in on the necessary exposition: the track runs all through the tri-state area, that it’s a no holds barred race whose only limitations are the imaginations of the various experimental vehicle designers.     


THE VEHICLES range from the surreal to the sublime, built to showcase function AND form… 


The race is about to begin.  The guys unveil the HOVERSHELL, tricked out with RACING DECALS and more powerful engines.  Don explains that, in its modified form, the Hovershell won’t be able to fly – but it more than makes up that in speed."

The answer to my question may show up later in this outline, but I'll ask now: Is this a LAND-BASED race (something I would have no problem with)  -- i.e. are ANY of the contestants allowed vehicles that fly? If they are, I don't see the reason for making the Hovershell a grounded vehicle... but maybe it will become clear.


3.) Re: the following:

"Psycho Head (rubbing motor oil on his head): “Motor oil makes great styling gel.”"

No problem with motor oil -- but would axle grease be better/funnier?


4.) Re: the following:

"With some of their brand new gear damaged, the guys think they’re out of the running – and worse, unable to stop Triple Threat – when GODMAN FALCON (the little grease monkey kid) shows up and offers to help – IF they promise to take him along in the race. The guys refuse.  If Don can’t fix this thing NOBODY can.  But in a flash, Godman is rerouting power couplings, using gum and duct tape to repair fusion engines, etc.  "

I don't think it's right to imply that Don can't fix this problem but this kid can... but it would be okay to show that the kid has some real mechanic's chops.
About the issue of whether this should or should not be Godman Falcon as a kid -- I'm torn. It's a cool idea, even though in the previous appearance of Godman and the Planet Racers universe (in the "Across the Universe" episode) I had in my mind that Raph had not just gone into the future, but into a parallel universe to encounter Godman and crew. It could work...
We should get Jim Lawson's okay if we want to go in this direction.


5.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, the race goes on through the NEW JERSEY FIRE PITS – a flaming wasteland of abandoned oil refineries and burning tire mountains that flare up without warning, creating some real hazards for the drivers. "

While this is certainly an interesting visual, I think that in this future we wouldn't have such horrible polluting things. Perhaps we could keep some of the visuals but make them into automated recycling plants instead.


6.) Re: the following:

"KATHUNK!  The TRIPLE TANK locks onto the vehicles with a TRACTOR BEAM!  As the Triple Tank pulls the vehicles back toward it, Triple Threat tosses TINY ROBOTS (about the size of an action figure) onto the outside of each vehicle.  In an instant, the robots burn tiny laser holes in each vehicle, small enough for each bot to leap inside.


INSIDE ONE VEHICLE, the DRIVER laughs at the tiny robot threatening him.  What’s it gonna do?  Nibble my ankle?  


CUT TO OUTSIDE as the Tiny Robots boot the Drivers out of their vehicles and take over the at the wheel."

There is something REALLY out of left field about these action figure-sized robots and their super-strength which really bugs me. Here's an alternative to the super-strength bit: The little robots, after burning their way in, emit a STINK GAS which floods the vehicle and forces the nauseated drivers to bail out.
Hey -- maybe instead of lasers, the little robots dissolve their way in with some kind of fast-acting acid. Maybe these little robots are actually a variant of a mobile chemistry lab -- that could be how they make the stink gas, too. Maybe they are "Roto Rooter"-type sewer cleaning gizmos that Triple Threat has tweaked to his/their own purposes.


7.) Re: the following: 

"Meanwhile, Leo and Mikey fight their way inside the Bot-controlled vehicle that’s carrying them away.  It’s a huge LUXURY COMMAND CRUISER with all the comforts of home inside: reclining seats, entertainment center, fully stocked refreshments.  Mikey can’t resist kicking back, while Leo puts everything he has into trying remove the tiny Bot from the controls.  The Bot proves to be as impossible to stop as the Zuni fetish doll from Trilogy of Terror.  But that’s not gonna stop Leo from trying…  "

As is, Mike's actions here are really silly and beyond the pale, given the context. I could see him getting DISTRACTED by all the goodies as he tries to help Leo, though.


8.) Re: the following:

"He scoops Godman onto the back of the bike and hauls shell for the finish!  In manic anger, TT bears down on Raph inching ever closer when WHAMM! Mikey and Leo slam into him with their Ejector seat! The Triple Tank goes <SWERVING> and finally turning over into a ditch."

Oh, please... the EJECTOR SEAT is now a VEHICLE fast enough and massive enough to catch up to and knock the Triple Tank around? VERY silly.


9.) Re: the following:

"As he’s hoisted up onto the shoulders of adoring fans, Godman looks at the old motorcycle and starts to hatch an idea for the future…


DISSOLVE TO: The future, where Godman Falcon introduces the crowd to the only intergalactic racing circuit featuring 21st century style combustion engines… the Planet Racers!"

While this is a cool bit, I wonder if it is a bit too much -- too obscure to most viewers.


-- Pete

-----------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: 138 ("Race For Glory")
Date: Thursday, December 22, 2005 12:55:22 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


In a message dated 12/20/05 2:09:35 PM, Lloyd writes:


Hey Pete -

First, thanks for inviting me to the Mirage Yankee Swap and King Kong
Holiday Hoop-dee-doo!  It was a lot of fun and, as always, it was great
to see you!

Just a reminder: did you get a response from Jim re: the Godman Falcon
connection for TMNT 138.  As you may recall, the Godman Falcon
connection was the initial impetus for the entire episode, so I'd hate
to lose it.

Lemme know.

And Happy Holidays!

Lloyd


Lloyd,


Glad you could make it! Yankee Swappin' is fun. I wish I hadn't been so tired after the movie... we could have hung out for a while. But maybe you were beat too.
Here's the word from Jim:


"Hey Man--
It's fine with me if the TV dudes want to use Godman as a character in the show-I'm all for it."


So I guess it's a big "go"!


-- Pete

------------------------------


Subj: Re: Show 137 Third Draft
Date: Thursday, December 22, 2005 4:55:21 PM
From: From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my notes on the Ep. 137 third draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
You sure Cody doesn t suspect anything?
STARLEE (FROM VID-PHONE)
Totally clueless. We re meeting at the virtual movies at seven. That ll keep him out of the house until nine. You sure you know how to bake the cake?"

... and also:

"* LEO
Call the Peacekeepers and sit tight, Starlee, we ll be right there.
*CODY (O.S.)
Be right where?
*REVEAL CODY   stepping in, smirking as he tugs at a balloon.
*CODY (CONT D)
Looks like the party s right here?
*ON THE GUYS   somber, but Mikey tries his best &
MICHELANGELO
Um & Surprise?
*DON
Cody, when s the last time you saw Turtle X?"

This is a significant though not HUGE problem, but this sequence of events seems to blow the whole "Cody will be out of the house so we can set up his surprise party" -- yet no one refers to it, and WHY Cody just happens to show up when he does. Though it is not SPECIFICALLY mentioned, I assume that somehow the Turtles and Splinter and Serling waited until Cody left the house and they knew he would be away most of the day (and only supposed to come home AFTER the "virtual movies" he goes to with Starlee)... otherwise they wouldn't try to set up the surprise party. So... why IS Cody home at this hour? Did he get some clue that he was getting a surprise party... and if he did, would he really deliberately RUIN it for the people going to all this effort to put it together for him?
My guess would be that he WOULDN'T deliberately ruin the surprise party... so his reaction to finding the preparations in progress should be something other than "smirking". And it wouldn't hurt to give him some kind of reason for coming home earlier than expected -- maybe he changed his mind about the outfit he was going to wear for his "date" with Starlee, or something.

2.) Re: the following:

"** CODY
(into gauntlet) (Turtle X! Override code: Cowabunga! Override!! This is impossible. I rigged that armor with every kind of security protocol imaginable. Who could ve jacked it?
*DON
We ll find out in a second. Turtle X is still at O Neiltech."

I know a lot of people improperly use the phrase "in a second" when they really mean "shortly", but I doubt Don would. So I would suggest that "in a second" be changed to something like "shortly" or "momentarily" or "within minutes".

3.) Re: the following:

"*LEO   DIVES, catching Starlee and rolling as the DESK <CRASHES!>
*Leo gets up and SHE runs past them as--

LEO
Get back to the Hovershell!"

Oh, man -- I feel really picky pointing this out, but I also feel compelled to do so: I don't think Leo should be saying "Get back to the Hovershell!" to Starlee, as she didn't COME from the Hovershell... so how can she go BACK to it? Instead, I think Leo should just say "Get to the Hovershell!"

4.) Re: the following:

"**DARIUS
Enjoying my little   birthday surprise? I know I am. I planned it ages ago &
INT. CODY S LAB   DAY (FLASHBACK)
FROM EP. 126   Darius types at a holo-keyboard, TURTLE X is visible in the BG.
*DARIUS (V.O./CONT D)
When I discovered your little   toy , I thought it might be useful one day, so I hacked into your computer and obtained your security codes."

Isn't it a little over the top for Darius to say that he planned his "birthday surprise ... AGES AGO"? I thought Turtle X was something Cody built only a few MONTHS previous... which is hardly "ages ago". A simple fix would be to replace "ages" with "months".

5.) Re: the following:

"The holo image of Darius gestures with his battle suit arm.
*DARIUS
Now your armor is directly linked to MY own. I can make you do anything...
EXT. NEW MANHATTAN   CONTINUOUS
In a matching gesture, Turtle X pivots its arm around and <BLASTS> back at the Hover Shell behind it.
**DARIUS (CONT D/O.S.)
 &like pillaging the company you stole from me & or destroying everyone and everything you ever cared about."

I think we should add to Darius' last line here something to the effect of "... and the best part is that YOU get blamed for it all!"

6.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON   LEO S GAUNTLET as Starlee UPLOADS the Anti-virus. STREAMS OF DATA fly around the gauntlet. "

Huh?! "STREAMS OF DATA fly around the gauntlet." That's bizarre, if taken literally. How do you SEE uploaded data except on some sort of display?

7.) Re: the following:

"*SERLING
Quickly! Let deliver the anti-virus and get Master Cody out of that atrocity!"

Is there a word or two missing from this line?

8.) Re: the following:

"INT. MYSTERIOUS FACILITY   COMMAND CENTER - SAME TIME
<BWOOM!!> The SAIS DETONATE just as Darius pulls them free! He s BLASTED BACK!
ON DARIUS   the suit SPARKING wildly.
DARIUS
The control unit, you idiot!"

Who is Darius speaking to when he says "The control unit, you idiot!"? Why does he say this line?

9.) Re: the following:

"PAN UP - from his chest to find SERLING S HEAD transform into TURTLE X S HEAD!"

What EXACTLY does this mean? Serling's head is pretty small -- how does it transform into Turtle X's head? Or does this mean that Serling's head REPOSITIONS itself to another location on Turtle X's body? I just looked at a color piece of art of Turtle X that I got from you recently, and I see NO way for Serling's head to "transform into TURTLE X S HEAD!" in any way that makes ANY sense...
... which tells me that it is VERY important that somebody start working on a design for this new Serling/Turtle X thing pronto (if they haven't already).

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #522: December 17, 2005: Re: Show 141 ("The Cosmic Completist"), Re: TMNT Show 139 ("Head of State") Outline, and Re: 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") 2nd draft

Subj: Re: Show 141 ("The Cosmic Completist")
Date: Saturday, December 17, 2005 7:21:34 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 141 premise.


1.) Re: the following:

"THE PENTHOUSE – SERLING is complaining to Splinter because he wanted to clean the place tonight, but can’t because Mikey has his vintage TOY COLLECTION piled all over the living room.  


Mikey is explaining to Cody that a rare figure is missing from his collection –– a rare one that took him ages to find to complete the collection."

I need a little clarity here -- is this "collection" of Mikey's one he started when they came to this future? How did he get the money to buy enough vintage toys to fill the living room? If it were Cody's cash, maybe a line or two could be inserted to show Mikey's gratitude to Cody for his help.
It might also be funny to drop in a line or two where one of the Turtles ponders the possibility that some of these toys MIGHT have been Mikey's to begin with (back in the past) and he's actually bought them TWICE.


2.) Re: the following:

"Raph teases Mikey for being a total geek.  Mikey accuses Raph of stealing the figure.  A shoving match ensues that causes Raph to accidentally knock over the collection dominos-style.  Now the real fight starts, with the toys inadvertently trampled in the ensuing chaos.  


Leo and Don enter and try to stop the fight.  They are quickly pulled into it.  


Splinter says to Serling, “Perhaps it IS a good night for cleaning.  I’d start with the carpet.”  Serling, smiling (he’s been waiting for an opportunity like this) literally YANKS the carpet from under the Turtles.  They land in a helpless heap."

I'm not too crazy about the slapstick action "fight", but I'll let it go. But I do draw the line at Serling pulling the carpet out from under the Turtles and having them all land in a "helpless heap" (some ninjas they are, huh?). A small rug, maybe... but the whole carpet? Uh-uh.


3.) Re: the following:

"Don announces they’ve arrived.  The Stealth Shuttle is dangerously close to falling back to Earth, but it should be safe to board for awhile.


The Turtles and Cody with Leader IG investigate the creepy wreck of the IG’s STEALTH SHUTTLE, wearing spacesuits in the airless ship.  The whole roof’s been ripped open by whatever took the Gunjin.  This scares Cody a bit.  All the auto-defense mechanisms have been immobilized by sheets of an EXOTIC ALIEN POLYMER.  Cody points up…


…to where a huge behemoth of an ALIEN SHIP has pulled into orbit above the Stealth Ship."

Now, was that ALIEN SHIP there all the time? Because if the Turtles and Cody MISSED noticing it when they pulled up to the STEALTH SHUTTLE, they are beyond lame.


4.) Re: the following:

"Don does a lifescan on the alien ship –– lots of activity, but only one lifeform.  He outputs a QUARTZ HOLO-DATACARD to try and figure out what the lifeform is."

What the hell is a QUARTZ HOLO-DATACARD, and why does Don "output" it to do his search when he clearly already has some kind of device he's carrying which can do that job?

5.) Re: the following:

"Then it corners the Leader IG underneath the tear in the roof.  The IG is angry and wants to fight to his last breath.  The Bot remotely activates a CANON on the skiff above to burp out a huge loogie of LIQUID POLYMER that flattens the Leader IG."

I think it's "cannon", not "canon".


6.) Re: the following:

"Raph hears a tiny screaming inside.  He finds the real Aramzedo inside the robot body ––Aramzedo is SIX-INCHES TALL!"

If Aramzedo is only six inches tall, why does he need a personal Pack-Bot the size of a Mack Truck?


7.) Re: the following:

"Cody, hanging upside down, polymer-bound, yells to Raph, “the most powerful weapon you have is the world around you.""

I get the idea that Cody is learning from Splinter, but this is NOT the time for him to be trying to pass on that sage advice in the form of vague suggestions.


-- Pete

-------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT Show 139 ("Head of State") Outline
Date: Saturday, December 17, 2005 7:22:23 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 139 outline revised.


1.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO: Come on, guys! Bishop’s President of the Galactic Alliance now! He’s not the gene-splicin’, double-crossin’, DNA-stealin’ big bad we knew 100 years ago!"

Leo doesn't drop his "g"'s like this.


2.) Re: the following:

"Bishop enters, flanked by SECURITY, and in short order gets to the point. He needs their help...someone has made multiple attempts on his life.  He says that he’s being hunted by underground monsters, and, not wanting to frighten the public, needs the Turtles “unique” skills.


DONATELLO: So what do these “monsters” look like?


Suddenly, the room begins to SHAKE and RUMBLE. A huge, gaping hole opens up in the middle of the floor. Emerging from the abyss is a strange and terrifying BIPEDAL ALIEN MONSTER!  (It’s a LIVING MOUSER, but we don’t know that yet!) The size of a bear, this disgusting beast drools and wheezes through a cavernous mouth and hungry teeth."

How convenient that the monster arrives right at the moment Don asks about it. And that no one and no alarm system in the Galactic Alliance HQ detected this thing as it shook and rumbled its way through the building until it got to Bishop's office.
Also, I think we need a MUCH better rationale than "not wanting to frighten the public" for Bishop's asking for the Turtles' help -- i.e. their special skills and experience in the underground spaces.


3.) Re: the following:

"The Great Hall of the Galactic Alliance. Before dozens of bored ALIEN DIPLOMATS, a speaker drones on and on (just like C-SPAN).


ALIEN SENATOR: ...and if we were to refer to Subsection Q of Paragraph Three, we would find that-


The Hall’s massive doors rip open as the four Turtles and Bishop run inside.


LEONARDO: Make way, Turtles comin’ through!


ALIEN SENATOR (still droning): The Floor has yet to recognize the green gentlemen accompanying President Bishop.


CRASH! The rampaging Mouser smashes its way into the Hall, knocking aside Bishop’s SECURITY as if they were nothing.


MICHAELANGELO: Do you recognize that!


ALIEN SENATOR (quickly): Recess!


Amid the chaos of fleeing aliens, the Turtles take defensive positions to protect Bishop. Raph strikes first-"

This staging makes no sense to me. Why would the Turtles lead this monster into the Great Hall of the Galactic Alliance?


4.) Re: the following:

"Raph grabs one of the Galactic Alliance flags and hurls it at the Mouser like a javelin. It careens of its thick hide, but the attack earns Raph the creature’s attention (and ravenous rage).


RAPHAEL: Uh oh.


As it charges, Mikey RIPS off a piece of red felt from the ornamental drapes and throws it to Raph. He teases the beast as would an expert matador.


MICHAELANGELO: And they say dancing is a dead art!


RAPHAEL: And I’m gonna be a dead Turtle! I’m outta moves!


The Mouser finally bites the red cape and devours it. Knocking Raph out of the way with a thrust of its massive head, the creature takes aim at Bishop and charges. Its gnashing jaws rip through everything- wood turns to splinters, metal to shrapnel, and Bishop (though hopefully not) to a stain on the carpet."

Is this "Raph Lite" or our regular Raph? How the heck can he be "out of moves"???!!!


5.) Re: the following:

"Donatello leaps in and tackles Bishop out of the way. The Mouser CRASHES into a marble wall, reducing it to rubble.


RAPHAEL: How do we stop it?!


LEONARDO: We give it what it wants!


Crawling from rubble, the Mouser shakes its head clear. Bishop, back in his office, shouts to grab the monster’s attention. It charges again.


BISHOP (nervous): You better be right about this!


LEONARDO: Look on the bright side. When I go back in time 100 years, I’ll tell you not to do this!"

How and why is Bishop "back in his office"? Aren't they all still fighting in the Great Hall?  And Leo's last line is very confusing.
Also, this wonderful plan of Leo's seems to me to be more than a little bit goofy. Let's see... he's going to have Bishop stand in front of the hole in the floor the monster made... have the monster charge at Bishop... and then at the last moment have Mikey snatch Bishop away from the hole so that the monster's lunge will make it fall DOWN the hole. Setting aside the problem of how they PLAN this "strategy" (telepathy?), doesn't it seem weird to anyone that the monster would just free-fall down into a hole which was only as big around as itself? Why doesn't it just grab on to the sides of the hole and climb back up?
I think there needs to be a decisive victory over this thing (maybe a killing one) so that we don't have this silliness and we also have a body that can be examined for more clues to this "mystery".


6.) Re: the following:

"MICHAELANGELO: Whew! What was that thing?!


BISHOP (grim): A genetically engineered engine of destruction...forged from the DNA of multiple alien species…


DONATELLO: How do you know that?


BISHOP: Because I made it."

Now, did Bishop just this moment realize this... or had he known it earlier? If the latter, why didn't he tell the Turtles this? It's sort of important information, wouldn't you think?


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO: We can’t hurt it! It takes a kickin’ but keeps on tickin’!"

Leo's dropping his "g"'s again! Maybe this is a line better suited to Raph.


8.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO: The sirens are freakin’ him out!


RAPHAEL: We can discuss the big monster’s musical tastes later, Don!"

Now DON'S droppin' his "g"'s! These lines should be switched, as follows:

"RAPHAEL: The sirens are freakin’ him out!


DONATELLO: We can discuss the big monster’s musical tastes later, Raph!"

9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO: And I gotta feeling that’s the least of our problems!"

Leo doesn't say "gotta".


10.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles stare at the gaping hole down which the President and his Mouser kidnapper vanished. Should they rescue him?"

How do they know that the monster went this way with Bishop? Weren't they in the stratosphere when that happened?


11.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL: Five minutes ago, we had an ex-villain as President, a drooling beastie who wanted to eat us and a crash-landing shuttle. Right now, my biggest worry is getting monster spit out of my clothes. ‘Nuff said."

Possibly the most idiotic set of lines ever given to Raph.


12.) Re: the following:

"DEEP UNDERGROUND. A distant ROAR. The relative peace of the underground is shattered as a quartet of Shell-Speeders race through the tunnels, tracking the Mouser DNA-signature.


RAPHAEL: DNA? How do you track that?


DONATELLO: Drool, saliva, bodily discharges.


RAPHAEL: Forget I asked!"

Even non-scientist Raph should not find this reply from Don startling and/or disgusting. This MIGHT work if (a) it were Mikey instead of Raph, and (b) it went as follows:

"DEEP UNDERGROUND. A distant ROAR. The relative peace of the underground is shattered as a quartet of Shell-Speeders race through the tunnels, tracking the Mouser DNA-signature.


MICHAELANGELO: DNA? How do you track that?


DONATELLO: Hairs... skin cells...


MICHAELANGELO: That's what I --


DONATELLO: ... also drool, saliva, bodily discharges...


MICHAELANGELO: Forget I asked!"

Also -- where the HECK are the Galactic Alliance security forces and/or the Peackeepers? Shouldn't they be AT LEAST investigating the giant hole in the floor of the President's office, and/or trying to locate/save the President?


13.) Re: the following:

"As the Turtles question “who,” a huge light BOOMS to life. It illuminates a high-tech podium holding a large jar. Dozens of cables flow into the jar’s gelatinous liquid, keeping its contents alive... a pulsating brain.


BAXTER: Who else? Your old friend, Dr. BAXTER STOCKMAN!


LEONARDO:
MICHAELANGELO:
RAPHAEL:
DONATELLO:"

This is kind of funny. Is it supposed to show that all the Turtles are speechless at this reveal, or did the writer just forget to have them say anything?


14.) Re: the following:

"In isolation, Baxter finished the experiment, creating his Mousers. He also managed a few side projects, including a Mind Transference Machine. (This can be a more “real world” auto-doc that can transplant brains, if we prefer.) Gone are the days of hiding like a freak in the sewer, as he would be able to take any body he wanted. And who better than Bishop? He’s shown a proclivity for long life and he just happens to be President."

I think that it would work best as a literal brain transplant machine, as it would (a) allow Stockman to gain power by taking over Bishop's position, and (b) give Baxter the real body he has craved for decades.


15.) Re: the following:

"MICHAELANGELO: So what are you gonna do, get Raph to sing karaoke for ‘em?!


DONATELLO: I just have to find the right frequency to stop them! Cover me!


Donatello starts splicing wires in his sonic bo while the other Turtles do their best to ward off the huge beasts. One of the creatures bites Leo’s katana and rips it from his hands. Mikey tries a nunchuk attack, but only gets an ear-splitting roar in response. Raph has a little more luck with his sais, that is until a Mouser swallows one of them! It explodes in his stomach, but the only damage is a bad case of indigestion."

Maybe he can get Dan Rather, a.k.a. "Kenneth", to tell him what the frequency is...


.. but I digress. Rather than "splicing wires", which seems VERY "stone knives and bear skins", maybe Don should just use a combination of whatever control things are on his bo and his gauntlet to try to REPROGRAM the bo.


16.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO: I have. Look at me. I’m a five foot talking turtle. But that doesn’t matter anymore. Bishop’s created a new world. There’re aliens of every shape and size walking around up there. Being a monster isn’t what you look like. It’s what you do. So tell me, Baxter...


Leonardo removes his blue ninja mask.


LEONARDO, cont’d: Are you a monster, or a man?"

I don't get it -- why does Leo remove his mask?
Also, I think we need to CAREFULLY craft this scene to make it at least SOMEWHAT believable that someone as twisted and crazed as Baxter is can be so easily and quickly "turned". Perhaps Leo can tell Baxter that science/medicine has changed/advanced greatly since Baxter went underground, and there are also alien advances which can help him regain his humanity without doing something so drastic as stealing Bishop's (or anyone else's) body.


17.) Re: the following:

"THE GALACTIC ALLIANCE. Later. The Turtles sit inside Baxter’s tattered office. Contractors use matter-replicators to instantly repair the damage. Bishop states that although he’s unable to publicly thank the Turtles, they have his gratitude. Again.


Bishop has offered his help to Baxter in building him a body, and even offered him a research grant."

Shouldn't that be BISHOP'S office, not Baxter's?
And what happens with all those crazy organic Mousers? Are they destroyed? Rehabilitated? Put in a zoo? Sent to the spice mines of Kessel?


-- Pete

--------------------------------------


Subj: Re: 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") 2nd draft
Date: Saturday, December 17, 2005 7:31:42 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

Here are my notes on the Ep. 137 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
(into gauntlet) (Turtle X! Override code: Goongala! Override!! This is impossible. I rigged that armor with every kind of security protocol imaginable. Who could ve jacked it? "

As I'm PRETTY sure we have established in past episodes that "Goongala!" is the ACTIVATION code for Turtle X, it might behoove us to have something a little different for this "override" command. How about "Cowabunga"? Or maybe "Goongala Cowabunga"?

2.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X <ROCKETS> into the Trophy Room, <CRASHING> into the GIANT ROBOT SUIT, sending it <TOPPLING> over. Turtle X random <BLASTS> up the room and its memorabilia.
*DARIUS (V.O.)
How does it feel, my, dear boy. To watch everything you ve built be destroyed before your very eyes?"

I'm not sure if this would fit, but as I read this scene I thought it would be cool (and reference an earlier episode) if one of this destroyed in this scene was "Casey's Journal" -- maybe Darius could make Turtle X hold it up in front of Cody and BURN it.

3.) Re: the following:

"The TANK <BREAKS THE SURFACE> of a pool. The Hatch cycles open, and RAPH AND SPLINTER emerge.
SPLINTER
How did you know this vehicle could operate underwater?
RAPHAEL
I didn t."

This exchange between Raph and Splinter seems pointless.

4.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
LET MY BOY GO!"

"Let my boy go!" seems a bit weird. Maybe just "Let Cody go!" would be better.

-- Pete

Blast from the Past #521: December 14, 2005: Re: TMNT 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") Premise and Re: TMNT: Show 136 ("The Fall of Darius") Third Draft

Subj: Re: TMNT 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") Premise
Date: Wednesday, December 14, 2005 4:46:06 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep.140 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"The turtles and Cody leave the wounded Dark Leo a few feet away and discuss what to do (making sure NO ONE comes off a gullible). In lieu of Dark Leo’s sacrifice to save Cody, and considering the fact that he was injured in the process – the TMNT and Cody take his weapons and decide to take him in and treat his leg, at least for now…


The next morning, at breakfast, the TMNT family gets their first, full-on taste of having a Dark Turtle for a roommate.  As he sits at the table – and the mayhem begins!  Dark Leo grabs his plate of food and starts to eat with his hands, like a maniac.  He even grabs the plate and takes a few bites out of it.  He drinks syrup right out of the bottle. "

What is UP with this obsession with having characters try to eat plates? Dopey.
But worse is the fact that they so quickly have accepted Dark Leo as a "roommate"... apparently without any restrictions.


2.) Re: the following:

"Later that evening, THE TAG CHAMPIONSHIP RESUMES! Serling makes a wise-ass comment abut the imminent damage to the Penthouse, and we’re off.  Trusting Dark Leo more than before after the incident in the dojo, Leo invites Dark Leo to play.  A game?  Dark Leo accepts.  Not long into the game that we again glimpse Dark Leo’s bestial tendencies (like we did in the dojo).  He gets violent and super-competitive to avoid being tagged by “it”.  He knocks Serling’s head off and throws it at someone in defense, he tosses furniture – he basically wrecks the Penthouse to win!"

Knocking Serling's head off is too over-the-top, and dopey to boot. (And it's NOT that funny, and certainly nothing I want to see as a "running gag" as stated later in this outline.) And isn't Serling now Cody's "Turtle X" suit, and, as such, significantly tougher and stronger and not so easily pushed around?


-- Pete

------------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT: Show 136 ("The Fall of Darius") Third Draft
Date: Wednesday, December 14, 2005 5:19:13 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 136 third draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"** MIKEY – standing in a large pot, holds one of the ORCHIDS too close to his face, and as he yells…
** MIKEY
No way, Hose-D! This is all Cody, and whatever you’re up to this--<YOWW!>
** …THE FLOWER <BITES> him on the nose!"

"No way, Hose-D!" is stretching WAY too far for a gag that's not worth the reach.


2.) Re: the following:

"*TURTLE X
Maybe… I think Darius might be using a space-phasing generator.  
*Donatello moves into the workspace and looks up…PAN TO FIND THE LARGE LENS he noticed earlier.   
** TURTLE X
By vibrating the molecules of solid matter at different rates, it allows two different rooms to occupy the same physical space. 
DOWN ANGLE – on the guys looking up at the GLOWING LENS - RED.
DON
It would need a subharmonic particle generator…that fit the bill?"

Brilliant! Nice way to explain the mystery.
However, this just occurred to me -- what happens when the "subharmonic particle generator" is destroyed by Cody/Turtle X -- do both rooms then COLLIDE with each other as they suddenly actually occupy the same space at the same time WITHOUT the "space-phasing"?


3.) Re: the following:

"** CODY
How could you, Uncle Darius?! My family trusted you! I-I trusted you!
*DARIUS
Yes…apparently stupidity is a genetic trait, along with cowardice, short sightedness, and patronizing with lesser species!"

I don't see why Darius includes "cowardice" -- although we don't know anything about the other members of Cody's family, Cody is clearly NOT a coward. And I don't think you can patronize WITH -- but you can certainly FRATERNIZE with. (Which I think is what is meant to be said here.)


4.) Re: the following:

"**LEONARDO
How long have you been working for Dun?
**DARK LEO
Details details! about keeping your head on your shoulders, “Little brother!” 
DARK LEO <GRAZES> Leo! He <CRIES OUT> and staggers back. "

Are their some words missing from Dark Leo's lines here? Something seems off.


5.) Re: the following:

"INT.  LOBBY LEVEL – RESUME
Darius FIRES a wave of <PLASMA BLASTS!>
TURTLE X – grabs his ENERGY STAFF, DEFLECTING some of the blasts until it <SHATTERS!>"

"ENERGY STAFF"? What is this?


6.) Re: the following:

"** TURTLE X – GRABS Darius’s battlesuit, and pulls it in close. His finger raises into view level with Darius’s head – 
** CODY
And now, YOU’re all wet, Darius!
** The <FLICK> of TURTLE X’s finger sends Darius’s suit flying—"

Given that we have already established that Darius' battlesuit is significantly more massive than Cody's Turtle X suit, it seems completely ludicrous to me that Turtle X can send Darius' suit flying with the flick of one finger.


7.) Re: the following:

"DARIUS 
Great Jupiter!  How can you stand the stench down here?  
DARK MIKEY
We don’t have noses, remember?"

They have no sense of smell? Dopey. Let's think up a better rejoinder for Dark Mikey, along the lines of "'Stand it'? We LOVE it!"


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #520: December 12, 2005: Re: Show 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") 1st Draft

Subj: Re: Show 137 ("Turtle X-Tinction") 1st Draft
Date: Monday, December 12, 2005 3:04:55 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 137 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"PAN AROUND THE ROOM - Splinter wraps PRESENTS, Don <INFLATES> BALLOONS with a futuristic-looking HELIUM TANK."

Maybe it would be cool if Don is using a futuristic balloon-creating gizmo -- I'm seeing a handheld thing with a small (soda can-sized) tank of some kind of gas (helium?) attached, and a smaller reservoir of balloon-making gunk, with a pistol grip and a trigger: when you pull the trigger, the gunk forms into a balloon shape, inflated to whatever size wanted. The device could also create "shaped" balloons, by moving the device around as the trigger is held down. There could even be a color setting knob which could be set to produce whatever color balloon desired.


2.) Re: the following:

"CODY
This is impossible.  I rigged that armor with every kind of security protocol imaginable.  Who could’ve breached it?  
SERLING
I could have.
Everybody turns to Serling, looking at him funny.  Serling glares back.  How could they even think that?    
SERLING
And so could any of YOU. But we didn’t."

This exchange is weird. Are we REALLY supposed to believe that -- even with "every kind of security protocol imaginable" installed by Cody into Turtle X -- it could still be breached by Serling, any one of the Turtles and/or Splinter? That seems bizarre.


3.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X pivots toward the Hover Shell… and suddenly POPS OUT A HUGE ARRAY OF DEADLY WEAPONRY (think Darius’ Battle Suit.  On steroids!) – all aimed at the Hover Shell. "

I trust that this does not mean a "something out of nothing" effect like what Jim Carrey does in "The Mask" -- giant weapons coming out of nowhere, things that couldn't POSSIBLY fit inside the armor as is.


4.) Re: the following:

"The Hover Shell tumbles back toward… an ONCOMING MAG LEV TRAIN!
INT. HOVER SHELL – MOVING – CONTINUOUS
The Guys react as the Mag Lev Train barrels toward them.


LEONARDO
Donnie!  Make like a banana and split! 


EXT. MID-TOWN – CONTINUOUS
The Hover Shell splits at the last second, narrowly missing collision as the oncoming train <WHIZZES> between the two halves.  The “cab” still manages to get <NICKED> by the train and goes <CAREENING> to an ELEVATED ROADWAY for a rough landing."

Leo would not make this stupid gag... and I doubt he would say "Donnie".


And I have to say that it seems bizarre that, instead of just using the whole Hovershell's engines and maneuvering capability to DODGE the train, the Turtles separate the Hovershell into its two parts... which MUST take longer to do than just dodging. I'm not even sure WHY this action (separating the two halves of the Hovershell) has to take place... but if it IS necessary for some plot purpose, it would be smarter, I think, to have the Turtles separate the two pieces of the Hovershell as a TACTIC to battle Turtle X as opposed to a reaction to an oncoming train.


5.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Then WE’LL just have to give it a DOWNgrade, because…
ALL FOUR TURTLES/CODY
IT’S NINJA TIME!"

This "It's ninja time!" bit is getting more than slightly nauseating to me, especially when it is used as a "group battle cry". If we MUST have it here, let's have it said by ONE of the Turtles (like Mike or Raph) as follows:


"LEONARDO
Then WE’LL just have to give it a DOWNgrade, because…
MICEHLANGLEO
...IT’S NINJA TIME!"


6.) Re: the following:

"TURTLE X – hoists a HOVER CAR overhead and hurls it at Leonardo,  who whips out his KATANAS and <SLICES> through the center of the car, its two halves <CRASHING> harmlessly to either side of him."

I think if a little thought is given to this action, it should be obvious that it makes no sense, unless Leo's swords also have the power to instantaneously REPEL large masses as they cut through them (something I don't think we have established) -- otherwise he's just going to be hit by two pieces instead of one. And why doesn't he just dodge the hover car instead of turning it into TWO dangerous projectiles instead of one?


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I get it.  Time for Turtles to play “chicken”."

Another dopey non-Leo line stuffed in Leo's mouth. This is much more like something Mike or Raph would say.


8.) Re: the following:

"Turtle X <HEAD BUTTS> Serling, sending him woozily collapsing."

"Woozily collapsing"...? SIlly.


9.) Re: the following:

"SERLING – once again stubbornly/bravely steps up to Turtle X.  
SERLING
As a fellow machine, surely you can listen to reason."

Unless Serling is a COMPLETE dunce, he has to realize that Turtle X is NOT an independent robot, but rather a piloted robotic exosuit. SO this line is totally lame and silly.


10.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
This is all my fault.  I should have protected Master Cody.
MICHELANGELO
How?  By dusting the lab better?  Face it, dude, you’re a domestic.  Save the heroics for the heroes.
LEONARDO
Harsh much, Mikey?
(to Serling)
What he meant was you did everything you could.  Don’t beat yourself up."

"Harsh much, Mikey?" should go... it's lame, slangy and not very Leo-ish.


11.) Re: the following:

"LEO, DON AND MIKEY – whip out their weapons and leap at Turtle X, <SLAMMING> hard into the exo-armor, barely budging it, but forcing it to drop Starlee.  
STARLEE
What’s going on here?!
DONATELLO – grabs Starlee and rushes her toward the LAB."

Starlee's line here is just... nothing. Pointless and more than a little silly.


12.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Getta loada dis.  The signal stops right in da middle a’ da East River."

And in the middle of battle, Raph cracks and starts talking like a cliched Brooklyn street thug.


13.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
We’re almost done here, guys!  Just hold him off a two more minutes!"

I think that "a" is unnecessary. 


14.) Re: the following:

"RE-ESTABLISH - Turtle X has Leo and Mikey in its clutches, its weapons aimed at them, while Darius has Splinter and Raph in his clutches, his Battle Suits weapons aimed at them.  
CODY/TURTLE X
Please, Uncle Darius… I don’t want to do this."

Cody's line is odd. HE knows -- as we ALL do, as do all the Turtles, Splinter and Starlee -- that HE is not "doing this"... it's Darius, controlling the Turtle X suit. So I would suggest changing that line to something like "Please, Uncle Darius… don't do this."


15.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I sent the virus program to our gauntlets.  One of us just needs to get close enough to Cody to upload it into his armor’s operating system."

... because, as we all know, in the future, radio waves are much SHORTER. Dumb! Unless what is meant is that because of Turtle X's security "firewalls", the upload needs to be done with a PHYSICAL connection... and if that is the case, then let's SAY it.


16.) Re: the following:

"CODY
Don’t worry, Serling.  I’m gonna fix you.  Make you better than ever.  
SERLING
Please… make me strong… so I can protect you better… "

Two uses of "better" so close together is awkward. Perhaps this small change would be "better":


"CODY
Don’t worry, Serling.  I’m gonna fix you.  Make you better than ever.  
SERLING
Please… make me strong… so I can protect as I should… "


17.) I'm not sure if this can or should be worked into the story, but I thought it might make for a fun visual: Perhaps one thing that Cody could do when he is trapped within Turtle X and Darius is "waldoing" Turtle X (i.e. moving his battlesuit's limbs and forcing Turtle X's limbs to follow those movements) is to come up with some software or hardware "hack" that allows him to (if only temporarily) REVERSE that command structure -- so that CODY can use Turtle X's fists to SMASH into itself... with the result on the other end that Darius' battlesuit's fists correspondingly smash into itself, contributing to the disabling of Darius' battlesuit as well as Turtle X.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #519: December 8, 2005: Re: Show 136 ("The Fall of Darius") and Re: Show 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") Revised Premise

Subj: Re: Show 136 ("The Fall of Darius")
Date: Thursday, December 8, 2005 12:45:56 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 136 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"Darius enters a dimly lit office with neon-drenched light slashing through the window blinds.  A large desk dominates the room.  On the far side of this desk, BOSS RIZDEE, a stocky Triceraton with a nasty scar on his face turns toward Darius and smiles.  It is not a warm smile."

I haven't seen any art for Boss RIzdee yet, but I'm hoping we can do something other that the typical "scarred face" bit -- seems we do that a little too often.


2.) Re: the following:

"BOSS RIZDEE
As a businessman, I understand, of course.  But my clients are worried that you can’t deliver the goods.  What reassurances can I give them?  
DARIUS
Here’s a free sample.  
Reaching into his coat, Darius pulls out a high-tech PLASMA BLASTER and fires it at the wall just behind Rizdee.  KA-BOOM!  Rizdee dives for cover as it blows a gaping hole in the wall, as well as the three walls behind it!  
Looking at the hole, Rizdee gapes in wide-eyed amazement as Darius casually slaps the smoking blaster down on the desk."

There's nothing per se wrong with the action in this bit (although it seems a bit weird that Rizdee would be "wide-eyed" with "amazement" -- what, he's never seen a blaster before? -- instead of PISSED OFF that Darius has just blasted big holes in his offices), but how does Darius' pulling out a single blaster satisfy Rizdee's complaint about Darius being able to "deliver the goods"? How is that any kind of evidence that Darius will be able to deliver what he has promised?


3.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Whoa, look at the time!  We promised Master Splinter we’d him take down to the Museum of Historic Broadcasts to see the “Wheel of Money” marathon.  Wanna come?"

Don doesn't say "wanna".


4.) Re: the following:

"CODY
Maybe it’s time to practice my ninja stealth shadow technique…
Cody ties a ninja headband across his forehead, then sidesteps into the shadows, completely disappearing."

This bit with Cody putting on the "ninja headband" seems kind of silly and extraneous... why does he need it?


5.) Re: the following:

"As he and Darius look back, Cody vaults through scene behind them and into the elevator.  
DARIUS
Relax.  Come with me.  
Shrugging, Darius escorts Rizdee into the elevator.  
INT.  FREIGHT ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
The elevator doors close, and Darius calls out.  
DARIUS
Level one-fourteen.  
As the elevator whooshes upward, Darius turns to Rizdee. 
DARIUS
I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.  
PAN UP to the ceiling to reveal that Cody has wedged himself into the corner just above their heads."

This is ridiculous. Please find a less silly way for Cody to follow Darius and RIzdee.


6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Hang tough, kid.  We’re on our way."

"Hang tough, kid" doesn't sound like Leo. It DOES sound like Raph.


7.) Re: the following:

"DARIUS
Constable, if you would be kind enough to escort him home…  
Biggles nods and salutes Darius.  
BIGGLES
I’d be an honor, sir.  Sorry for the bother."


I don't think it "I'd be an honor" is right -- it should be "It would be an honor".


Actually... why is it an "honor" for Biggles to take Cody home? Seems odd.


8.) Re: the following:

"But after Raph is gone, the smile fades.  Darius pulls out a communicator and activates it.  A HOLO-SCREEN appears with four SHADOWY FIGURES.  
DARK LEO (VO)
Yes, master…
DARIUS
Our green friends are sticking their noses into dangerous places again.  It’s time we took care of them once and for all.  
PUSH IN on the shadowy eyes as they narrow in anger.  
DARK LEO (VO)
Bring ‘em on."

"Bring 'em on"? Is Dark Leo channeling Bush?


And as I've mentioned/questioned before -- since when is Darius "Master" of the Dark Turtles? I thought Sh'Okanabo was their master. Did I miss something?


9.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
Your Turtle-X suit.  Shellacious!"

"Shellacious" is something Mikey might say -- not Don.


10.) Re: the following:

"After they’ve gone, PUSH IN and HOLD on the closet door.  We hear a light tapping.  
SERLING
(muffled)
Uh, hello?  Is anyone there?"

As I mentioned in my notes on the outline, it's silly that Serling could be TRAPPED in a closet. Why doesn't he just break out of it? Dumb slapstick.


11.) Re: the following:

"CODY
But how will we get past those goons?  
RAPHAEL
Leave that to me!  
They watch as Raph sneaks around behind the van.  
When one of the goons bends down to load a crate into the van, Raph sneakily kicks him in the butt.  
GOON #1
Hey, watch it!  
The goon turns around and glares at his partner.  
GOON #2
I didn’t do nothin’!
GOON #1
Are you callin’ me a liar?  
Goon #1 breaks an orchid pot over Goon #2’s head.  Immediately, they start brawling.  
GOONS
(comic brawling noises!)"

Wow... what a great plan. Especially the use of the orchid pots -- where'd they come from?


12.) Re: the following:

"However, Raph can’t resist lingering.  He reaches into the van and picks up one of the plasma blasters.  As he activates the primer, blinking RED LIGHTS indicate that it is slowly powering up.  Then he tosses it back into the van.  
When he rejoins the others inside the elevator, Raph grins mischievously.  
RAPHAEL
A little surprise for later."

I haven't read ahead to see what happens with this thing, but this bit seems to have the exact same problem as when it involved a "smoke bomb" in the outline -- how does Raph know that this thing will "go off" at the RIGHT TIME?


13.) Re: the following:

"MICHAELANGELO
Yeah, we’re not as dumb as we look!"

Very dopey line. It MIGHT be funny if it were changed thusly:


"MICHAELANGELO
Yeah, we’re not as dumb as you look!"


14.) Re: the following:

"DARK RAPHAEL
Bro, we’ve been itchin’ for a rematch."

Why is Dark Raphael referring to Raph as "bro"?


15.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Is that your best shot, freak?"

Sounds more like a Raph line.


16.) Re: the following:

"Meanwhile, Donny and Mikey have recovered from the initial blows, but Dark Donny and Dark Mikey have them pinned against the wall.  Wide-eyed our Turtles duck.  CRACK!  Chunks of concrete fly as the Dark Turtles’s fists miss their targets.  
DONATELLO
It’s like looking in a mirror…"

Don's line is really silly in this context. And unnecessary. And how is it -- if Mikey and Don are "pinned against the wall" -- that they can DUCK?


17.) Re: the following:

"This time, Mikey knocks Dark Leo off his feet while the two Leos are facing off.  Suddenly, Leo brightens.  
LEONARDO
That’s it!  Turtles, switch partners!"

Snore... could this GET any more cliched? Once again -- as in my comments on the outline -- I have to say that this appearance by the Dark Turtles seems like a poor use of them.


18.) Re: the following:

"Driven mad by Mikey’s childish taunts, Dark Raph lunges again.  This time he lands headfirst in a large metal canister.  His legs flail as he is helplessly stuck in it."

Oh. My. God.


19.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
We’ve gotta find the password.  What would Darius never forget?"

Don doesn't say "gotta".


20.) Re: the following:

"But inside, the blaster that Raph activated earlier reaches critical mass.  Its lights go red, and it emits a high-pitched squeal.  
When Rizdee’s goons see this they dive for cover.  KA-BOOM!  The entire van EXPLODES in a dramatic fireball. "

Oh... now I get it. Raph just wanted to KILL anyone who was near that blaster when it exploded! Nice.


-- Pete


-------------------------------------------------------------------


Subj: Re: Show 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") Revised Premise
Date: Thursday, December 8, 2005 4:01:01 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep.140 premise V3.


1.) Re: the following:

"The Darks file into his chamber sheepishly and Darius begins reading them the riot act!"

I fail to see why the Dark Turtles would put up with this puny human's abuse. What hold/power does he have over them that keeps them from tearing his head off?


And I hate to sound like a broken record, but will someone please tell me in which episode the Dark Turtles stopped being Sh'Okanobo's minions and became Darius'? 


2.) Re: the following:

"Darius says something TBD that makes Dark Leo's eyes widen – (sparking his plan at the end of this teaser) then throws them out with a very lethal “ship up or ship out” message."

The phrase is actually "SHAPE up or ship out", and I ask again -- HOW is Darius able to get away with abusing the Dark Turtles in this fashion? Why do they take it?


3.) Re: the following:

"The fight ends up being fair, and the Darks are trounced by the TMNT.  Before they retreat in their transport, Dark Leo “bows” to the TMNT.  He begrudgingly “thanks” them for what’s he’s learned.  He promises to be back for the TMNT and destroy them…but vows to walk an honorable path. As the bad guys disappear into the night, Don is left to ponder his connection to the Dark Turtles, and whether or not a spark of hope burns beneath their shells.


Back at Dark HQ, Dark Leo is ready for a royal reaming from Darius.  He gets one – but it’s not as bad as he expected.  While failure was still the order of the day, Darius issues a gruff, backhanded complement about the savvy and strategy he used.  It’s a small improvement.  We also show that the plan helped reaffirm his status as leader among the Darks.  We end with Dark Leo imparting one of the first lessons he learned from the turtles onto his Dark brethren."

This is a confusing and illogical ending. How am I supposed to parse the line "He promises to be back for the TMNT and destroy them…but vows to walk an honorable path"? Seems completely contradictory to me.


And I don't get WHY Dark Leo goes back with the other Darks. He's just betrayed them by helping the Turtles defeat the Darks. How do they not see this?


While this story is FAR better than its first "alien glob" version, it is still missing some significant stuff. Primarily, I don't yet buy Dark Leo's coming over to the "light side". We've already established the Dark Turtles as INHERENTLY nasty, evil brutes... so what is there that the Turtles can demonstrate to Dark Leo that would lead him to think or act differently? I mean, just having the Turtles talk about honor and niceness isn't going to cut it -- I would think that Dark Leo would just laugh at that kind of thing. I think there needs to be SOMETHING about the way the Turtles (and Splinter and Cody) interact and how they approach life that Dark Leo comes to see as VALUABLE to HIM. What that is, I'm not sure. Maybe he begins to see the value of order over chaos... cooperation over competition.


As I'm kinda getting sick of the Dark Turtles (they've become tedious, in my opinion), I wouldn't mind at all if we went for a more radical conclusion to this tale which might involve Dark Leo DESTROYING all of the other Darks (and maybe himself as well). It might be that the other Darks have the Turtles at their mercy and are about to use the new weapons Darius gave them to obliterate the Turtles once and for all... and Dark Leo snaps -- he can't bear to see something that he has come to see as valuable and worth protecting be destroyed like this. He could then either (a) wipe out the Dark Turtles, or (b) help the Turtles to defeat the Darks and then go off with them somewhere (maybe on a spaceship) to try to start new lives and evolve, away from the bad influence of Darius and/or Sh'Okanabo. Or if it were to be set up so that Dark Leo destroys all the other Darks, maybe HE could go off on a ship by himself.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #518: December 1, 2005: Re: Show 134 ("Enter the Jammerhead") First Draft, and December 3, 2005: Re: Show 139 ("Head of State") Premise and Re: Show 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") Premise

Subj: Re: Show 134 ("Enter the Jammerhead") First Draft
Date: Thursday, December 1, 2005 2:02:28 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 134 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
Something you will never achieve if you do not practice, Michelangelo. Speaking of, should you not be warming up in the dojo?"

I know it is part of some modern vernacular to leave a word or words out of common phrases (i.e. "come with me" becomes "come with"), but to me it just sounds lazy and stupid. Ergo, I think Splinter's line here should read:


"Speaking of which, should you not be warming up in the dojo?"


2.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
“Civilized..?” So you four won’t be there?"

Should Serling say "four" here (just the Turtles) or "five" (the Turtles plus Splinter)?


3.) Re: the following:

"GLAXXER walks over to CODY and pokes at him.  Cody instinctively backs up further and further, finally BUMPING into a wall of shelving.
GLAXXER
Hi! I’m Glaxxer. Are you her boyfriend?  ‘Cuz she talks about her boyfriend all the time.  And if you’re not the boyfriend, you look an awful lot like the guy she says is her boyfriend.
Cody ducks away from the shelving, avoiding disaster.  Glaxxer eyes the shelving, and taps it awkwardly with his finger. 
GLAXXER (CONT’D)
Is this shelving very stable?  ‘Cuz shelving isn’t always very stable -- 
…THE SHELVES tip over, smashing to the ground. Dad VIDEOS…"

Yeah, that's some pretty unstable shelving, isn't it? Wonder why Cody had such unstable shelving in O'Neil Tech. Beats the heck out of me! I mean, a KID just TAPS on it with ONE FINGER and it collapses!


Right, I know Cody bumped into it first... but it's still pretty silly. Perhaps instead of just tapping it with one finger, Glaxxer could eyeball it and declare that the shelving is crooked, and he can fix it if he only pulls THIS here and pushes THAT there... OOPS!


4.) Re: the following:

"STARLEE
There! A Kinetiscan translator!
CLOSE ON A MONITOR SCREEN – The image zooms in on the slot in Jammerhead’s head.
STARLEE
It reads physical movements stored on disk, translates them into neurological signals and transmits them into the cerebral cortex--"

The way Cody recognizes and talks about this thing, it sounds like it's not very rare. Do we really want to establish this gizmo as something anyone can use (if they have direct neural inputs... and I suspect that it the world of 2105 Jammerhead is not the only one who has them)?


5.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
Ma’am, if I may.  You have raised a remarkable daughter."

"Ma'am"? I think Splinter would use the more formal "Madam".


6.) So... what happened? The "signal" got "jammed"... but what does that mean? Does Jammerhead still have his special chip? If so, why can't he use it? Is his signal "jammed" all the time now? How? If his new chip is damaged/burned out/ can he get another one? Can he give one to each of his Street Phantoms? Why not?

7.) The basic concept of what Jammerhead is able to do with this "chip" is barely tolerable, as it seems to be to be WAY out there to make the giant leap from KNOWING how to do something to being ABLE to do it, physically (for example, Jammerhead's "cyclone spin" or whatever that bit was). If at all possible, I think it would be a good idea to tone down some of the more ridiculous "super kung fu" moves Jammerhead makes.

8.) I'm not sure exactly HOW it should be done, but I think it would be great if we could make Starlee's family less like obnoxious cartoon stereotypes, and maybe give them some substance... make their concern for Starlee's welfare on this "dangerous" planet more REAL, even if it reflects their overprotectiveness.


-- Pete

---------------------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: Show 139 ("Head of State") Premise
Date: Saturday, December 3, 2005 2:11:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on Ep139 premiseREV.


1.) While I like the concept of "living Mousers" because it offers some intriguing design possibilities, I don't see any explanation for WHY Baxter has gone in this organic direction instead of continuing techno-mechanical development of his Mousers. I wonder if there is any cool way to connect it to anything from past TMNT episodes. Maybe the Y'Lintians...?


Also, it might be cool if these new Mousers don't actually CHEW their way through stuff like the mechanical Mousers of yore, but instead use stuff like fast-acting organic super-solvents to dissolve their way through stuff (or at least weaken stuff enough so that they can push their way through it).


2.) It's somewhat silly that Baxter could have been alive and operating all this time, building this army of living Mousers... and yet not know that Bishop is President! I think it would work equally well if when Baxter sees the Bishop "patriotic poster", he responds with a line which implies that after many years of planning, he (Baxter) is ready to wreak his revenge on Bishop.


3.) The "Donatello to Donatello" time travel message bit is confusing and extraneous -- I'd drop it. The Turtles shouldn't need someone to TELL them how to find, fight and defeat Baxter -- they should figure it out for themselves.


4.) The bit with Constable Biggles trying to "untangle the web of interplanetary jurisdiction that may or may not prevent a rescue attempt" is not at all funny and is pretty dopey to boot.


5.) Re: the following:

"Deep underground, Baxter’s Exo-Mech drags Bishop through the centuries old sewer tunnels, leading him to a vast underground city. Housed in the remnants of Penn Station, this “Micropolis” is awe-inspiring. High-tech machines mingle with architecture of generations past to create a truly beautiful place... If you can get past the hundreds of Living Mousers- a veritable army of gnashing jaws!


Bishop: “What is this place?! What are you going to do to me?! Who are you?!”"

What -- Bishop doesn't recognize Penn Station? Seems unlikely.


6.) Re: the following:

"Bishop: “Baxter? Baxter! It’s been years! You look... great!”
Baxter: “Great?! You turned me into a monster! You said that serum would help me live for centuries!”
Bishop: “You’re still alive, aren’t you?”
Baxter: “I’m a brain in a jar!”
Bishop: “That a problem?”
Baxter: “Look at me! I’m a freak! I can’t show my face, what’s left of it, anywhere! I’ve had to hide here, in the sewers!”
Bishop: “You’ve certainly done some nice things with the place.”
Baxter: “You took me world from me! And now I’m going to take your world from you!


With the mere press of a button, Baxter can order his army of Living Mousers to destroy the city. But just as his mechanical finger nears the remote... Raph’s sai flies through the air and knocks it away!"

I hope Bishop's lines here are "placeholders", because they are quite lame (and they include one of my current pet peeves -- the HUGELY overused "love what you've done with the place" cliche).


And WHY is it that Baxter can be this incredible techno-robot thing... but he still has to use a separate REMOTE CONTROL to activate his Mousers? How primitive.


7.) Re: the following:

"Baxter: “You made me a monster!”

But then, bruised and beaten, Leonardo fights back. Not with punches or kicks or weapons, but with words.


Leonardo: “You think you’re a monster? Look at me. I’m a five foot talking ninja turtle. But that doesn’t matter! Bishop’s done something special here. He’s made a place where there are no monsters. Look around. We all look different. And we don’t need to hide anymore!”"

While I like the gist of Leo's speech, I think it's more than a little goofy for him to talk about being a ninja turtle. He should just point out that, under Bishop's leadership, many different types of aliens coexist on Earth.


-- Pete

--------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: Show 140 ("DNA is Thicker than Water") Premise
Date: Saturday, December 3, 2005 12:58:42 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 140 premise.


There is a good story somewhere in here -- something similar to the classic FANTASTIC FOUR "This Man, This Monster" story. But right now, it's kind of a mess. The major problem is the "alien blob", which seems to have no consistent nature and changes to fit the needs of the plot. And one of my least favorite bits is the "rapid, nearly instantaneous physical change" thing -- where a character can be Leo on moment and Dark Leo the next, undergoing a huge change in moments... and then back again in as many (or as few) moments. There's WAY too much of this in this premise.


While it would probably be TOO much of an "homage" (okay, rip-off) of the "This Man, This Monster" FF story to have Dark Leo use some kind of gizmo to switch places with Leo (his mind in Leo's body, Leo's mind in his), it has the virtue of being (a) more logical, and (b) less "magical" (eliminating those huge physical changes I mentioned earlier). But I don't think we want to "homage" that FF story so closely, so I have another idea.


What if... Leo is continuing his studies with Splinter. Today he's practicing some deep meditative/mystical trance thing. Before he gets into it, Splinter could remind him that while it is a powerful skill to have, it is also dangerous to the novice (a foreshadowing of what is to come). Leo goes into the meditative trance state and travels on some astral plane.


What he doesn't know at that point is that Dark Leo is doing something similar... and the two of them MEET -- and battle -- on the astral plane, with the end result being a bizarre accident where their minds and bodies get switched. Leo wakes up in Dark Leo's body, freaked out. And Dark Leo wakes up in Leo's body, and quickly realizes that he has been given an exceptional opportunity for revenge. (His part of the story could more of less follow what is in the premise.)


Leo, on the other hand, is faced with the horror of being trapped in Dark Leo's body, and has to try to figure out how to rectify the situation... but it's not going to be easy! He has to deal with the other Dark Turtles, and maybe Darius (though I have to say I am kind of perplexed about how Darius is now in control of the Dark Turtles... I thought they were Sh'Okanabo's minions). And how can he convince the Turtles that he is, in fact, their brother, and not the monstrous Dark Leo?


-- Pete