Blast from the Past #433: September 24, 2004: comments on Ep. 98 premise and comments on Eps. 99 and 100 premises

Subj: comments on Ep. 98 premise
Date: Friday, September 24, 2004 12:31:36 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 98 premise.


1.) I wonder if, when Stockman decides to put his brain into a new cloned body, he also decides to "improve" upon his former body -- i.e. make it taller, stronger, with better eyes (so he doesn't have to wear glasses, etc.. That might make his fall even harder.


2.) Re: the following:

"We rejoin the Turtles cleaning up the aftermath of the mutant toad battle.  There’s a mess of green slime in the gutter between the tracks.  Raph complains about how “It stinks that we gotta play merry maids nowadays after kickin’ butt.”  Don explains that, “Yeah, well, nowadays our enemies explode into highly toxic and contagious waste!” (And then maybe Donny can even do a subtle cough … he’s got a touch of the flu … bit of a scratchy throat …).  The Turtles finish bagging up the slimy toad debris and head home.  We segue from that slime to…"

This "clean up" bit is a little weird. For one thing, what are the Turtles doing with the waste once they've bagged it up? Where are they taking it? I get the idea that the Turtles want to be responsible, but becoming janitors might not be the way to do it. Maybe instead of actually bagging up the slime and taking it with them, they spray it with some compound Don has concocted that renders it inert or just completely dissolves it into harmless elements. OR... they "tag" the area with some kind of sign which will alert the authorities (who are also surely aware of the problem and are trying to deal with it) to a location where some of these mutant creatures have been fought and melted, so that they can call in more appropriately equipped clean up squads.


3.) Re: the following:

"Back at the Turtles lair, there’s a sudden noise—the Turtles are alarmed and jump to action—someone is coming through the door!  The Turtles are armed and await the intruder…finally the door opens and…it’s Master Splinter with some new decorations for the lair.  Oh, what a relief!  The Turtles rest easy.  But then…where was Stockman going to?"

I get the idea that we want a little misdirection to fool the viewer into thinking that Stockman's destination was the Turtles' lair, but this bit with Splinter "coming through the door" and making a "sudden noise" which gets the Turtles all freaked out is GOOFY. What door is Splinter coming through -- the one to outside? If so, what the HELL is he doing going outside to get "decorations"?! And what kind of noise can he make to freak the Turtles out so? Makes no sense. This needs reworking.


4.) Re: the following:

"Stockman charges at April—there’s a bit of banter in which he insanely reasons why April is responsible and then a cat and mouse chase ensues where April proves surprisingly evasive—but most importantly, she manages to turn the web-cam on her computer on … clandestinely sending a message and video images to some friends …


Back at the Turtle lair Mikey playing with the computer when he sees what at first he assumes is a cool new video game on his computer but quickly realizes is, in fact, April being attack by—who the?!  Stockman?!  Human … well almost human, Baxter Stockman!  But, the turtles are not hallucinating!  That’s Stockman!"

This is more than a bit goofy. First, that April would turn on her webcam in the hope that by some random chance one or more of the Turtles would be watching that particular webcam at that particular moment and see what's happening -- or at least see SOME of what's happening, as webcams typically have a fairly small field of view. And secondly, that Mikey would be so STUPID that he could mistake a webcam window for a new videogame.
I think we're also missing an opportunity to bring Casey into this story. I think it would be nice if he attempted to save April from Stockman. Here's a possible scenario: April is using her laptop with webcam in her shop, and she's intant messaging/webcamming with Casey (maybe we even do some funny stuff where she's trying to help Casey get the hang of this technology, as he keeps futziing it up (mounting the webcam upside down, etc.)) when suddenly Stockman breaks in. Now, Casey sees this intrusion via April's webcam (and maybe it's a odd angle view because April's laptop/webcam got knocked off the counter and landed on its side or something) and is horrified. As he rushes to his motorcycle to blast over to April's to help her, he gives the Turtles a call (via ShellCel -- don't know if the boys have any of these or not -- or by phone) and let's them know what's happening. 
Casey gets to April's place before the Turtles, and though he fights valiantly against Stockman, he gets his ass kicked. When the Turtles finally arrive, a groggy Casey can fill them in on what happened and maybe point them in the direction April took off in, pursued by Stockman.


5.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles blast through the sewers on the sewer sled getting downtown as fast as they can!  We can only hope it will be fast enough because …"

I thought the Sewer Sled had been lost in the attack on the lair? Anyway, I think it might be better if they DON'T have any kind of vehicle, and have to hoof it, opening up some opportunities for some complaining along the way from some of the Turtles -- I'm thinking Mikey would be a good choice -- about how they should have some wheels, how they miss the Sewer Sled and Battle Shell, etc..


6.) Re: the following:

"The chase continues through the streets … Stockman uses some of the “weaponry” that he has included in patching himself back together in his cyborg self and tries to hit April with small rockets (which blow up parked cars), etc.  He should be a horrific amalgamation of man, mutant and machine."

I'm not loving the rocket thing.

7.) Re: the following:

"April puts up a good fight …


… but Stockman overwhelms her and is about to cut her painfully to pieces with a piece of his cyborg-ness (a laser torch) … to experience his pain … one missing limb at a time."

I wonder if it might be better (i.e. much more horrible and scary) if Stockman at that moment determines that a better way to punish April and simultaneously help himself would be to transplant his brain into her healthy, non-diseased body (rather than just kill her).


8.) Of the two "Options" for Stockman's final hallucination, I prefer Option 1, as Option 2's inclusion of Stockman's mother comes out of the blue (we've never heard of or seen Stockman's mother before) and is really kind of cheesy. I think the idea that Stockman again hallucinates the Shredder (and maybe MULTIPLE Shredder's, where he sees each Turtle as another Shredder) is much cooler, and ties in with the beginning of the episode.


-- Pete

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Subj: comments on Eps. 99 and 100 premises
Date: Friday, September 24, 2004 12:53:26 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


I really don't have much to say about these two premises -- they are for the most part a really good adaptation of the TALES OF THE TMNT #7 story, with a few useful modifications (i.e. Savanti magically controlling the Deinonychus, etc.).
The one thing I'm not loving is the whole "time wave" thing in the beginnning of Ep. 99. While visually intriguing, it really opens up a whole can of worms, the biggest worm being this: If Savanti's magic is so powerful that it can cause these kinds of massive changes in the present, it stands to reason (well, at least to my way of thinking) that he doesn't need the Time Scepter. 
But even more it bugs me that, by opening the episode with a huge, cataclysmic series of events, there's no build up and we miss an opportunity to do a smaller, personality-driven bit which enriches the characters. I refer, of course, to the idea that April has managed to smuggle the Turtles into the museum after hours (through some contact she has there) so that dino-fanatic Don can finally get to see the cool fossils and dino skeletons in the museum. And that he STILL wants to see them even though he's not feeling that great just helps to delineate his character more. And Mike and Raph can piss and moan about how boring it is (and maybe Mike goofs off with some exhibits and April has to reprimand him).



-- Pete

Blast from the Past #432: September 20, 2004: Re: Outline for 96 ("Trouble With Augie") and Re: First Draft 94 ("Prodigal Son")

Subj: Re: Outline for 96 ("Trouble With Augie")
Date: Monday, September 20, 2004 12:04:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 96 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"April’s POV – her parents and little sister sit in chairs, clapping.  Next to them is an empty seat."

If "little sister" is supposed to refer to April's sister Robyn, in the comics we have established that Robyn is older than April by a few years. Not that she can't be younger in the show, but...


2.) One thing which kind of bothers me -- how does Uncle Augie know April's email address? I wonder if it might be better if the signal that he sends doesn't go to her computer in particular, but actually affects a lot of computers... and April and Don recognize the strange symbols -- when they see them in a news report on TV about this new "virus" -- as coordinates for the Artifact.
Actually, I just reread that part and realized that they are not necessarily actual emails, but rather "crude “e-mails from beyond”". However, it then goes on to say that they are "signed Augie". I wonder if it might be better if they don't realize that the messages are "signed Augie" until AFTER Don deciphers the messages, as the idea that there is a string of weird alien symbols followed by "Uncle Augie" in English seems a bit goofy.


3.) Re: the following:

"Augie explains that he has two working artifacts – a small one and a large one. The small Transport Artifact enabled April and Donatello to beam to this location."

I thought it was the Artifact in April's possession that let them do this.


4.) Re: the following:

"Augie: “But don’t tell the Slee’ens – I don’t want them knowing that I have all these different keys.  Otherwise, they might share their knowledge with some other planet instead of Earth.  You wouldn’t believe what these people know.  Just look at their city!”"

This is getting a little weird, Why would Augie want to deny these life-saving technologies to any other worlds? Makes him sound like a selfish jerk. 
Also, it seems REALLY odd that if Augie is as intelligent as he is said to be, he is completely clueless about the nature of the Slee'ens, which nature should be pretty obvious by the dilapidated nature of their city. This is a HUGE logic hole, in my opinion.


5.) Re: the following:

"Regrouped and ready to fight, the Slee’en army steps into the large Transport portal and are transported…. to the dead planet that Augie showed to Donatello and April earlier. "

The entire planet-conquering Slee'en army steps into ONE transport portal? That IS a truly large portal. While it is a clever punishment to exile the SLee'ens to the "dead world", it doesn't seem to make too much practical sense in the way they get there. I think it would be just a good a punishment to maroon them on the Zodat world (which, if you think about it, is just as "dead" as that other world)... especially if the holographic Zodat "ghost" gag that Don set up is still running. So all the time the Slee'en are slowly starving to death, the "ghostly" Zodats are haranguing them. What poetic justice!


6.) I'm really not sure the whole "key" thing works and/or makes sense. It seems to have a lot of holes in it. For example, if you need a different key to get to each specific dimension, how do April and the Turtles get to the "bug" dimension in the first "Uncle Augie" episode ("April's Artifact") and then back to Earth? As stated in this outline, "April pushes the top of the artifact – revealing a hidden key (a rod with gems on it)". That's "a" key, one key -- and it turns out to be the "Earth" key in this story.
I think it makes a lot more sense that these artifacts can allow you to go anywhere as long as you program them with the proper coordinates. Let's ditch this key thing. We don't really need it, especially if we use my suggestion in point 5.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: First Draft 94 ("Prodigal Son")
Date: Monday, September 20, 2004 2:27:32 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 94 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"WIDER- Leonardo <WHIPS> out his Katana from his back sheath and <SLASHES> behind him.  <CLANK> <CLANK>
With sparks and lines of energy, two Shredaughts materialize seemingly out of nowhere (de-cloaking). "

Since when have the Shrednaughts been able to cloak (like the Foot Tech Ninja)? This is new. I think having Leo go up against and defeat two Shrednaughts all by himself is a bit over the top, even with his new confidence and skills.
Also, the clear implication here -- correct me if I'm wrong -- is that Leo has CAUSED the Shrednaughts to decloak simply by slashing behind him with his swords, his blades somehow disabling their cloaking abilities (similar scenes abound in past episodes with the Foot Tech Ninjas). This is more than a little improbable. I mean, Leo doesn't even know that these Shrednaughts EXIST. He's never gone up against them. I think we should get rid of the Shrednaughts in this scene and just have some Foot ninja, maybe Foot Tech Ninja.


2.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo <RUNS> toward the first Shredaught.  He <SLICES> across it’s front with both Katana.
CLOSE ON- the Shrednaught as cuts <SPLIT> open with energy and electrical sparks."

I've never particularly liked the the way Leo's swords can cut through almost anything like butter (or at least if the story requires it), but this is just silly. Weren't these Shrednaughts nigh on impenetrable in the attack on the lair? Didn't it take Mikey using the laser drill of the Turtle Tunneler to cut one open? The idea that Leo can just casually open them up with his katana is really unbelievable.


3.) Re: the following:

"The Second Shredaught <LEAPS> back with a <KLANG>.  It raises its fists as a hatch on it’s right shoulder <POPS> open revealing a cannon (as seen in EP. 93).
CLOSE ON- Leonardo smirks."

Leo SMIRKS? What the hell is he SMIRKING for? Have we turned him into some unbeatable Arnold Schwarzenegger-type hero? Is he going to start making stupid one-liner jokes as he skewers bad guys ("Stick around!")? This is NOT the way to show that Leo has evolved as a fighter -- it's just DUMB-ASS POSING.


4.) Re: the following:

"<DODGING> more missiles, Leonardo <SLIDES> past the Shrednaught <SLICING> off one of the legs.  The Shrednaught <CRASHES> to the ground."

Now Leo's swords can just slice off a Shrednaught's leg with no problem. Please.


5.) It just occurred to me that it would have made a lot of sense for the Turtles to have had a contingency plan for an event of this nature -- some catastrophic thing happening which would split them all up. They would very likely have had one or more pre-set locations where they could rendezvous in an emergency, so they wouldn't have to waste a lot of time with random searches. Maybe this could be worked into the story.


6.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ANGLE DOWN ON- The roof of the building.  The three Foot Soldiers stealthily walk across.
The shadow of Leonardo, <JUMPS> up and onto the roof, then stealthily <RUNS> toward them.
Leonardo <JUMPS> toward them, doing a <FLIP>, and <CROUCHES> right behind them.
LEONARDO (V.O. CONT.)
Or, I at least had to know when the Foot had found the trail themselves.
CLOSE ON- Leonardo’s hand reaches forward gently removing a communication device from the Foot Ninjas belt."

Either Leo is now SuperInvisoNinja, or that Foot Soldier was recruited from the Deaf and Dumbass School of Ninjitsu. This is preposterous.


7.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON- A broken dish, small bag that reads “CATFOOD” and a PLANET RACERS comic book (that sit in a cubby hole beside the subway tracks).  A flashlight beam passes over them. "

Now that we have had an episode where Raphael goes to another universe and encounters the "Planet Racers", it seems a little weird to have Mikey own a "Planet Racers" comic.


8.) Re: the following:

"WIDE DOWN ANGLE ON- The street.  Leonardo walks away from the destroyed Battle Shell to some motorcycle tracks on the street."

So... how long has the destroyed Battle Shell been sitting out on the street? Has anyone noticed it? Why hasn't it been hauled away?


9.) Re: the following:

"WIDE ANGLE DOWN- Leonardo, still holding Splinter with Donatello following in rear, <FORCES> a path through the large crowd of Foot Ninja.  (Note, like Jet Li surrounded by the crowd that can’t touch him in HERO, or Leonardo parting a sea of Foot Ninja)  They arrive at the doorway.
WIPE TO:


EXT. ABANDONDED RESERVOIR PUMP STATION – LATER
Moon light shines down on the Reservoir Pump Station nestled and hidden under Belvedere Castle.


INT. ABANDONDED RESERVOIR PUMP STATION - 
Leonardo sets the weakened Splinter down on the ground/blanket."

Uh... there seems to be something missing here. How did Leo and Don and Splinter escape from this large crowd of Foot Ninjas? Did they just let them go? I think we REALLY need to be careful about overdoing this "Super Leo" bit.


10.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
What is important is that you are here now.  And our family is together.
WIDER- Raphael interrupts, 
RAPHAEL (ANGRY)
And, in one piece!  I can’t believe we lost our home!  "

Raph's two lines here don't seem to go together. I would lose the "And in one piece!" line.


11.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Get used to disappointment, Karai.  You won’t be the first Shredder who can’t seem to touch the Turtles!"

The second line of Leo's here makes no sense -- the "old" Shredder certainly DID touch the Turtles. I would take it out.


12.) Re: the following:

"Karai (Laughing) <WHIPS> the chain toward Leonardo.
KARAI
Oh Leonardo, I had no true idea how much I would enjoy your pain!"

What a bizarre line from Karai. I would lose it.


13.) I have to wonder if it makes a whole lot of sense that Karai would have her Shredder armor on under her robe. Why would she be wearing it? And why have a robe covering it? It seems like this is only in the script for the little bit of "surprise reveal" when she whips off the robe. I wonder if it might make more sense that we see her enter that scene in full Shredder armor -- including helmet -- and she takes off the helmet as she bows/kneels to the statue of Oroku Saki. (Maybe she has just come from a training session in the dojo.) OR... she could have the whole fight with Leo WITHOUT her new Shredder armor, and we could save that confrontation for a later episode.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #431: September 16, 2004: Re: FW: Revised Premise 97 ("Insane in the Membrane"), Re: Ep 92 ("The Ancient One"), Re: Episode 53-78 synopses

Subj: Re: FW: Revised Premise 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 12:46:28 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here is my comment on the Ep. 97 revised premise.


1.) Re: the following:

<<Then Malignus switches a little of his power to Leo and starts to control him like a puppet.  Leo attacks his brothers full force.


(Act Four)


Leo attacks his brothers and they’re trying to fight him off without hurting him.  What makes matters worse is that Leo is fully aware of what he’s doing, even warning the others to get away, he can’t stop himself.  He’s begging them to take him out but they can’t.


At this point, the turtles attack Malignus.  His defenses are down a bit because his power is divided.  One of the heroes is able to help open up a chink in Malignus’s armor, so to speak, so that the turtles can attack his bug hat.


The bug suddenly takes on a life of it’s own and fights the turtles.  Of course, now the power that was holding the heroes and controlling Leo is gone so the good guys gang up on Malignus and his big bug-bot.  They seriously damage the bug and it starts to short circuit.  It instinctively crawls back onto Malignus’s head (even though he tries to stop it) and plugs into his brain, frying it and turning him into a twittering loony.>>

The typical problem with "super mind powers" is that they tend to have no limits except for the ones which are convenient to the storytelling, and that inconsistency tends to result in a story full of logic holes. Also, when have we set up Dr. Malignus as someone who has any kind of telekinetic powers, or that his bugs can enhance such powers? As far as I can recall, he has only ever had these mind-control bug robots that can take over an individual and bend him or her to Dr. Malignus' will. This telekinetic power stuff comes out of the blue, and you also have to wonder -- if he has this power at his fingertips, why doesn't he use it from the beginning of the fight?
I'm also not too crazy about the whole "bug taking on a life of its own and burrowing into Malignus' brain" bit -- this also seems to come out of nowhere, and frying his brain and "turning him into a twittering loony" seems a silly way to get rid of a decent villain.
  One way I can think of which MIGHT make this work is if the "super mind power" bug is a last-ditch option for Malignus' -- perhaps it's a prototype which even he considers potentially dangerous and unpredictable, and he only uses it as a last resort. I do think that we should not leave Malignus with a ruined brain, as I would like to be able to bring him back at some point.

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Ep 92 ("The Ancient One")
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 1:08:59 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Although I still think my idea of Silver Sentry giving Leo a lift over to Asia would save us (and Leo) a lot of time and headaches, I don't have a big problem with him finding his own way. However... if he is going to Asia, would he really hop a ride on a ship leaving New York? Wouldn't it make more sense if he made his way to the WEST coast and left from a Pacific port city? (Maybe a compromise here would be that Silver Sentry gives him a lift to California. OR maybe Casey could drive him there in his car -- ROAD TRIP!!! That could actually be the source for an "untold tale of Leo and Casey"  next season.)
Also, assuming Leo makes it all the way on his own, this trip of his -- taking boats, walking, etc. -- will take months, probably. Does having Leo gone for months cause any problems with story continuity? 


-- Pete

-----------------


Subj: Re: Episode 53-78 synopses
Date: Thursday, September 16, 2004 8:36:44 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine, Dan Berger

Lloyd and Dan,


I read over the teaser synopses and made a few small changes to them, mostly a word here and there and a few typo things. The biggest change (and it's really not THAT big) is to add a short line to each of the episodes where the individual Turtles are in the other realities. Although the way Lloyd had written it was clever and intriguing in a very frustrating way, with each one being EXACTLY the same except for the name of the Turtle in question, I thought that we could give a little bit away without giving much away. The only one I gave a specific hint about was Raph's (Planet Racers) episodes, and I've already let that cat out of the bag in the TMNT comic letters pages.


I'm happy with them as they are below, and if you agree, Lloyd, I ask that Dan put them up and make the fans start salivating!


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #430: September 12, 2004: Re: FW: Outline for 95 ("Outbreak"), and September 14, 2004: Re: Premise for 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")

Subj: Re: FW: Outline for 95 ("Outbreak")
Date: Sunday, September 12, 2004 3:14:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on the Ep. 95 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE as a black boot splashes into a mudpuddle – a lone American soldier stumbles across the charred battlefield, dazed and disoriented.  Suddenly, a bright light shines down on the soldier from above.  


From a bird’s eye view, we see the soldier is none other than BISHOP.  WIDE on the scene as Bishop begins to rise up into the light.  He screams helplessly, then we cut to BLACK.  


Bishop (VO):  ‘I know this all too well.’"

Bishop's origin is slowly being revealed, and here we learn a little bit more about it (he was a soldier in the war of 1812, taken and experimented on by aliens). I think this is cool, but as I read this, I wondered if by adding a little bit we could make it even cooler and weirder. What I suggest is that when Bishop "screams helplessly", he also screams out something like "Nooo! Not again -- !!!" The implication would be that this was not the first time the aliens had come for him... and further it raises the question of just how old IS Bishop, anyway? He could be hundreds, maybe thousands of years old, for all we know! (Hey... I just thought of something else... if he WERE that old, he could have had something to do with Oroku Saki in feudal Japan. Would that be cool, or what?!)


2.) Re: the following:

" Stockman:  ‘Teams 2 and 3 have reported in… it’s just 
incredible.  They’re made contact with dozens of creatures… 
insects, fish, reptiles… the mutagen has spread… 
Bishop:  ‘Doctor… is it containable?’"


A minor point -- I think we should try to find a word other than "mutagen" to call the stuff that is turning out all these mutant monsters, just because that is what we have always called the stuff that transformed the Turtles.


3.) Re: the following:

"Raph leaps into the fray, knocking the head roach back with a kick.  He helps Don up, but in a blur, the head roach strikes out, an alien clawed limb scratching out at Don…


With a yell, Don spins around, a deep set of gouges on his leg.  He drops to the ground."

I think it might be better if instead of a wound which is CLEARLY serious to begin with, Don gets LIGHTLY scratched -- not much more than what you might get if your cat clawed your arm with one claw -- so that it makes more sense that he would laugh it off at first and not be too concerned about it.




-- Pete

------------------------


Subj: Re: Premise for 97 ("Insane in the Membrane")
Date: Tuesday, September 14, 2004 3:16:24 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 9/14/04 8:35:27 AM, Lloyd Goldfine writes:

Hey Pete –
  
 FYI, we’re planning to pretty seriously re-vamp the premise we sent out for the Justice Force/Bring on the Bad Guys episode.  It’s not working out with trying to use past Turtle villains (Mephos, GarbageMan), so we’re thinking of making up a new super villain team (with Malignus still at the helm) that has reason to want to destroy the Justice Force.
  
 Be that as it may, any ideas you have for a big, fun, super-hero super-episode are more than welcome!
  
 Thanks,
  
 LLoyd



Lloyd,


Timing, as they say, is everything. I read this email from you exactly two minutes after I had completed writing up my comments on that premise! Although they might now be useless, I will send them to you anyway (in this email) just in case there is something in them that might be helpful.


-- Pete


comments on Ep. 97 premise

1.) Re: the following:

"Calling cards are sent out … little robotic bugs (from “Turtle Titan”) pay visits on Mephos (helping him break out of his prison cell as the little bug self-destructs blowing a big hole in the wall), the Garbage Man (in his decrepit new hideout half underwater in a sunken/rundown pier), and various super villains (referenced in “Return of the Justice Force”): Grim Repo, Red Menace, Gas Giant, Mr. Destructo, Super Synthesizer and the Living Volcano."

I hope we can make these super villains -- who have only been referenced by name previously -- interesting and cool-looking.
Also, I wondered if it might be fun to do a quick shot of one of these bugs finding Karai (perhaps in her Shredder armor), and she dispatches it quickly with a blade or something, with some kind of pithy line about how she doesn't need allies.
And I just realized that getting Mephos into this story might be a bit problematic -- isn't he being held prisoner in the secret, invisible Avian cloud city? How does Dr. Malignus' bug find and reach him there? I suppose a rationale could be created, but it's tough. I did just flash on an idea which might help to connect Mephos and Malignus -- what if Malignus (with his obvious techno-savvy) had helped Mephos create his crazy metal wings? Okay, now I just thought of another problem -- if Mephos IS on the cloud city when the bug arrives to free him, and he doesn't have any wings, how is he going to get to Earth?


2.) Re: the following:

"Widen still to reveal that Doctor Malignus is in a prison cell safely behind bars.  He looks up with a smile.  “Guard!  Guard!”  The guard approaches.  “Guard, I think it is time you released me back into society.  I have important work to do.”


The guard (a bit zombie-like) bows: “Yes.”  And, the guard then unlocks the heavy prison door allowing Malignus to exit.


Upon closer inspection, we see one of the mind control bugs firmly implanted in the back of the prison guard’s neck …"

I wonder if this bit might be more interesting if the guard is not immediately under Malignus' control, but instead begins to respond to Malignus' command to be released with a derisive laugh and a dismissive comment... but then halfway through it the guard stiffens and does the zombie thing... and THAT'S when we see that there is now a mind-control bug on him. Maybe there could even be a quick shot of something (the bug) skittering up his pants leg.


3.) Re: the following:

"Raphael wakes up in the middle of a street.  This isn’t an ordinary street.  It’s a condemned block.  And, Raphael isn’t greeted by anybody ordinary.  He finds himself facing Malignus and the horde of super villains.  Malignus is ever so happy to see “the Turtle Titan” again.


Raphael ain’t no turtle titan.  But, Malignus can’t seem to understand that.  He thinks the Turtle Titan is just attempting to be clever.  But, that isn’t going to work.  The Turtle Titan’s fate is sealed.


Raphael:  “Listen whackbag, I ain’t the Turtle Titan!”


But, nobody is listening.  Malignus puts his plan into play!


The six (new) super villains make themselves scarce (as part of the plan) and Malignus, GarbageMan and Mephos start to attack Raphael … all of which is being filmed and broadcast for the benefit of the Justice Force.


At the Justice Force Headquarters, the image of Raphael getting the ever-living-crud kicked out of him plays on the viz-screen.


Silver Sentry, Ananda, Metalhead, Tsunami and Chrysalis leap into action!


They arrive on the scene and Malignus feigns surprise. But, his mind control bugs will soon make short work of the Justice Force."

This whole "abandoned block" set up feels kind of goofy. I think there should be a better way of getting the Justice Force into Malignus' trap. (And the JF should KNOW that it's a trap -- I mean, with the broadcast and all it's pretty obvious.) I wonder if it might make more sense, and be cooler (especially because Raph is initially at Malignus' mercy) if Malignus is mind-controlling Raph and thus uses him to get the JF's attention.
Actually, now that I think about it, why does Malignus' mind-controlling bug inject Raph with a "sleeping drug" instead of just mind-controlling him? Doesn't seem to make much sense.
I don't think we've seen a Turtle under the influence of one of Malignus' bugs yet -- might be interesting. Actually, maybe Raph -- while mind-controlled -- could use a shell cel to summon the JF, and thus lead them into the trap. (And when Ananda sets off the EMP device, he is released from the mind control.)


4.) Re: the following:

"Raphael retrieves several of the mind control bugs (that were deactivated earlier) and uses them like shuriken, sticking them to the GarbageMan and one of Mephos’ wings.  Then, Raphael attacks Malignus long enough to get his hands on the control device."

Would it make more sense that Raph grabs the control device BEFORE he throws the bugs at Garbageman and Mephos? Also, why should the bug go on one of Mephos' wings? Every time we've seen them so far, they have to be on the back of someone's neck to do their mind-control thing.


5.) Re: the following:

"It looks like the Silver Sentry is about to be wiped out as he’s pinned down by the GarbageMan’s launched gear (netting and spikes) and the Living Volcano is about to encase the Silver Sentry in a tomb of molten rock!"

From what we have seen of the Silver Sentry so far, I doubt he'd be held down for long by "the GarbageMan’s launched gear (netting and spikes)".


6.) Re: the following:

" And, GarbageMan stops Living Lava while Mephos frees Silver Sentry and pulls him into the air."

I can't wait to find out how the heck Garbageman is supposed to stop Living Lava.


7.) Re: the following:

"Just then, the other three turtles show up (Mikey is dressed in his Turtle Titan outfit).  They picked up the show of Raphael getting beaten up earlier on one of their scanners but it took them longer to find the place than it took the super heroes.  It looks like they’re a little late."

As I think we should ditch the 'Raphael fight show" bit, another way to get the Turtles into this is in order. Or... do we really need this scene? Maybe Raph could just find his way back to the lair and say the same lines to Mikey about comic book heroes.


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #429: comments on premise for Ep. 96 "The Trouble With Augie"

Subj: comments on premise for Ep. 96
Date: Friday, September 10, 2004 1:05:45 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

 Lloyd,


     Here are my comments on the Ep. 96 premise.


     1.) Re: the following:

"Taking extra precautions by using a large dumpster that Donny has rigged for mobility, the turtles enter April’s place from the back … bringing some of the dumpster stink with them."

     I am wondering what "rigged for mobility" means. Are we saying here that the Turtles are inside the Dumpster and are driving it to April's shop? THAT surely won't attract the attention of anyone who might be watching the shop! And once they arrive in the Dumpster, don't they have to get out of it? Won't they be seen then? I think we need to find another way to get the Turtles to and from the shop -- maybe there is a way underground, perhaps a hidden tunnel that they have dug. Or maybe they hide in plain sight -- coming in through the front door in some roughly human disguises/outfits.
     And the "dumpster stink" gag is lame.

     2.) Re: the following:

"As they are about to activate the artifact, April remembers the compass!  She grabs it and they SWOOOSHHH through dimensions!"

     It's good that April remembers "the" compass, but how does she (and we) know what compass Augie is referring to in his "email from beyond" message? His "...compass..." message seems pretty generic on the surface of it.


     3.) Re: the following:

"And, now that Donatello and April are here with the compass, all that will be possible.  It’ll be a cinch to pinpoint earth’s dimension and travel there unhindered."

     I'm starting to lose it here. How can this incredibly sophisticated and powerful super computer be capable of sending email to Earth across the dimensions, yet can't locate Earth without the aid of a... compass??!!?? This is getting really silly.
     And doesn't it seem like there should be some more reaction from April and Augie when they are reunited, and also some kind of reaction from Augie when he meets Don for the first time? It all seems so blase.

     4.) Re: the following:

"Matters only get worse when one of the dwarves takes the compass from Augie.


Our heroes catch up with this dwarf in the big computer room.  He’s asked the computer to scan the compass.


NOTE: This will allow us to bring these dwarves back in the future as the mega computer could be able to help them recreate the device (artifact) and the compass (and the location of dimension earth) and thus travel to our world.


But, just as our heroes are about to be surrounded by thousands of angry dwarves, Augie, Donatello and April manage to use the artifact and the compass to SHOOOSH out of there!"

     And it gets even sillier! How is scanning the COMPASS supposed to allow the computer to recreate the artifact? Makes no sense. Also, why don't the "warrior dwarves" just take the compass from April and Don by overwhelming force when they show up? Why all of this time-wasting "Let's party" nonsense? Unless these dwarf characters get a LOT more interesting as this episode develops, I for one don't want to seem them again.


     5.) Re: the following:

"Arriving back at April’s apartment … where Robyn, who’s just waking up, sees them arrive … and sees Uncle Augie and a four foot tall green mutant ninja turtle!  She faints!


When she’s revived, she sees only April and Uncle Augie, who’s just back from “...living in the jungles of Borneo … ahem, ahem.”  Both assure Robyn that she was dreaming about the big, green turtle, who just so happens to be clandestinely peeking in through the window with a big, turtley grin.  And, we fade away …"

     The fainting gag worked for when April first met the Turtles -- she was really stressed out and exhausted by running from all the mousers that had chased her and tried to kill her, and she had just met THREE of these Turtles and they TALKED to her -- but here it is just silly and pointless.


     6.) One idea that just came to me which might make this weak story a little more interesting (to me at least) and add a fun twist to it: The dwarves are planning to invade/conquer/plunder Earth (actually, if they have the Artifact -- not this stupid compass -- and get the computer to figure out how to use it, couldn't they plunder ANY dimension, no just ours?), and give the artifact to the super computer to scan and analyze. But... what they (and we) don't understand up to that point is that it's the super computer which is calling the shots -- IT wanted to get its "hands" on the Artifact, because what it wants to do is get rid of these annoying invaders (the dwarves) who are cluttering up its beautiful city and disturbing it from what it wants to do (ponder the mysteries of the universe). And once it possesses and understands how to use the Artifact, it uses the Artifact's power to zap all of those annoying dwarves... somewhere. (Maybe to another dimension, maybe to the bottom of an ocean, maybe out into deep space... we'll leave it to the imagination.) Then it sends April, Don and Augie home.


     -- Pete

Blast from the Past #428: September 8, 2004: comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") first draft

Subj: comments on Ep. 92 ("The Ancient One") first draft
Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2004 12:54:29 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 92 first draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"INT. TURTLE’S LAIR – DEEP UNDERGROUND – CONT’D
ON - MICHELANGELO.  Mikey is on a couch reading a comic book.  The title of the comic book is: Toxic Zombie Monkey.  In the background we hear the sounds of blade striking blade and then hear Splinter sounding concerned.  Upon hearing this statement of Leo’s Mikey looks up from his reading and cocks an arched eyebrow and points his eyes in the direction of the O.C. statement (but without turning his head).


SPLINTER (O.C.)
Even the unopened bottle will burst when its internal pressure becomes too much to bear."

Two things here. FIrst, what "statement of Leo's" is Mikey hearing? His voiceover from the preview? That would be very weird.  I don't see any other statement from Leo. Maybe something is missing.
Second, Splinter's line doesn't need the "even", because as far as I know, it's ONLY unopened bottles that burst under too much internal pressure. So I would take out "even".


2.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (O.C.)
That is especially true for we five.  We are family.  Family, my son… family.  We must be open with one another…."

Repeating the word family three times in two lines is a bit much. I would just take out that "Family, my son... family" line.

3.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER
He is an ancient, wise, skilled and learned master who rarely takes on new pupils.  He is the sensei to my sensei, Hamato Yoshi.  "

Would it make more sense/read better if "is" was changed to "was" in this line as follows:


"He was the sensei to my sensei, Hamato Yoshi."

4.) This is not absolutely necessary, but I thought it might be cool if, when Leo is getting ready to leave on his journey, he is also given an old trench coat and hat (much like Raph had in the first TMNT movie and how we have sometimes disguised the Turtles in the comics) -- and maybe this gift should come from April and/or Casey (I was thinking that is would be nice to have them in this scene).
Another idea -- which might be handy to cut down on the amount of time we need to show Leo sneaking his way halfway across the planet, along with all the niggling and problematic issues of HOW he is able to do this without being caught -- would be as follows: Instead of Mikey giving Leo a graphic novel (not that that's a bad idea), he waits until everybody else has given  their gifts and then he reveals his -- he asks Leo to follow him up to roof level, and suddenly SIlver Sentry arrives! Mike's gift to Leo is to have Silver Sentry fly him to Asia (not all the way to the land of the Ancient One, but at least to that continent).


5.) Re: the following:

"SPLINTER (V.O. – FADING OUT)
... where you must pass through “the snowmen’s notch.” "

Because of the way the Yeti "snowmen" guards are written (which I like), I wonder if it might be fun -- and at this point kind of weird and mysterious -- to add one word to Splinter's line as follows:

"SPLINTER (V.O. – FADING OUT)
... where you must pass through “the laughing snowmen’s notch.” "

6.) Given that "the Stinky One" farts a lot, I wonder if we could work one of our favorite phrases for farts -- "The Evil Wind" -- into some of his lines. (Reading further, I see that is IS mentioned at least once.)


7.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I have some dried fruit, some peanut butter, chocolate—
THE STINKY ONE
Chocolate?!  Gimme chocolate!  Gimme now!"

When I read these lines, I immediately thought of the classic ad campaign for Reese's peanut butter candies -- remember the "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" "You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!"? -- and thought it might be fun for Stinky to demand both Leo's peanut butter and chocolate, mash them together into a disgusting mess, gobble it down, then sigh contentedly and say something like "Ahh... peanut butter AND chocolate...!"


8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO (O.C.)
 Jeez!  You’re unbelievable!
CUT to show Leonardo and the Stinky One seated on the ground around a small campfire.  The campfire is the only source of light, giving us stark moody flickering lighting.  The area around them, here at the base of the rock formation, is sandy.
THE STINKY ONE
You a talking green monkey frog and you call me unbelievable.  You stupid.
LEONARDO
Turtle.  I’m a turtle, not a frog."

Two things. First, would Leo say "Jeez!"? (A corruption of "Jesus" as we all know.) I think it would work fine without it.
Second, when Leo says that he's a turtle, not a frog, maybe he should also say "And I'm not a monkey, either."


-- Pete

Blast from the Past #427: September 7, 2004: comments on Ep. 91 ("Samurai Tourist") second draft and comments on Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son") outline

Subj: comments on Ep. 91 ("Samurai Tourist") second draft
Date: Tuesday, September 7, 2004 10:12:52 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my very brief comments on Ep. 91 second draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*CLOSE ON A LIT CANDLE as it crosses into and out of the frame – the candle is suspended from a swinging rope (the rope is tied to the ring handle of an old school candleholder).  As it comes back into frame like a pendulum, a KATANA slices through the frame, cutting the wick and extinguishing the flame."

Just to be absolutely clear on how this is going to look -- due to the offset position of the ring handles that the ropes are tied to, these candles will be hanging at an angle, rather than straight up and down, right? Which actually works better for slicing the wicks without slicing the ropes.


2.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
…and there was nothing I could do.  Master Splinter was burned… The Shredder broke Raph’s back… Mikey’s legs… Don’s arm… all I could do was watch."

Because these lines are still in the script, even though I questioned whether or not these injuries actually happened in my last notes, I have to assume that someone has checked and these things DID happen. I guess my memory is failing me -- I remember Splinter being burned (by the Sword of Tengu, right?), but not the other stuff. Can you point me toward the episode(s) in which these things happened?




-- Pete

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Subj: comments on Ep. 94 ("Prodigal Son") outline
Date: Tuesday, September 7, 2004 11:12:56 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my comments on Ep. 94 outline.


1.) Re: the following:

"The Turtles layer, or what’s left of it, is dark and cold."

Perhaps the weirdest misspelling yet -- "layer" for "lair"! (And it's repeated again later several times.)


2.) Re: the following:

"With solid, precise, moves, Leo springs forward with in attack …


… and instead of kicks and punches, he is using finger jabs (that look like doing the death touch) and strange looking chops and tosses.


Using little effort but devastating his attackers, energy strikes, Chi, etc.  Before they can get a shot in-they are defeated.  Leo holds one of them to his feet."

Conceptually, this is cool. But I have to confess to some trepidation about what it is going to look like in animation, as it has the distinct potential to look REALLY goofy. When I first read this, for some reason I thought "Three Stooges".


3.) Re: the following:

"Casey Jones is in one of his very secret hideouts (the place is a mess, cluttered with all kinds of sports equipment/vigilante gear).  Leo creeps in –ninja style-


Casey is first annoyed that Leo has indeed found one of his most secret places, then he is very worried and angered when Leo gives him news of the layer and disappearance of others."

Huh? This is an odd new concept -- Casey Jones has "secret hideouts"? I don't quite see the point.


4.) Re: the following:

"She removes her robe, as it drops reveal her new streamline Shredder Armor.  She holds her right arm out strait.  A sword blade –pops- out, she drops into a fighting stance.  "

It's "straight", not "strait". And I'm not sure I'm loving the idea that swords can pop out of the armor. It seems silly and pointless.


5.) Re: the following:

" As Leo, with his skill begins to take the advantage Karai is knocked back.  A small hatch opens on her suit, three dart/knife projectiles launch toward Leo- he grabs a book from a shelf, with one hand holding it up as a shield, he moves his hand (and the book) absorbing all three darts. "

I'm not loving this dart idea, as it seems to me to open the door to all kinds of goofy, ludicrous weapons systems built into Karai's new Shredder armor. 


6.) Re: the following:

"As the epic fight continues and Leo edges in closer, Karai does a –pole vault- off the staff, blades (similar to the ones in her arms, but shorter) –pop- from her feet."

Ugh... sword blades popping out of her feet? Ugh...


7.) Re: the following:

"A close up as Karai -flings- her right arm down, the signature Shredder claw -pops- out.  (maybe hers is longer and more feminine looking).  It crackles with a blue electricity. "

Ugh. I'm starting to hate this new "super gizmofied" Shredder armor. Why can't it just be a sleek and deadly suit of bladed armor, like the original?


8.) Re: the following:

"Angered, embarrassed, she flips up a panel on her suit, touching a button.  An alarm sounds in the library, she speaks into the arm piece, “Security to the Library”.  "

Ugh. Is there an iPod built into it too? Is Karai the new Inspector Gadget?


9.) Re: the following:

"He tosses the sword, like a boomerang, toward her.  It flies through the air passing her.  We see a cut a across frame.  We then see the motionless statue of her father.  Slowly the head starts to slide off- a clean cut across the neck."

This is REALLY silly. Throwing a sword "like a boomerang"? Please. If Leo's going to cut off the statue's head with his sword, let him do it in a realistic way.


10.) Re: the following:

"Later, back at the new lair, Leo arrives home to join his brothers.  He carries his backpack (from the preview).  He’s brought some of their favorite food, some comics for Mikey, and presents Splinter the new walking stick.  


They all climb to the top of their new lair; it has a rooftop observation area looking out over the city skyline, a place for Splinter to meditate under the stars, a contrast to being “underground”."

How big IS this new place, if they can be on top of it and look out OVER the city skyline? And maybe I'm not seeing something, but aren't they going to be in plain view on top of this thing? I need to see some designs pronto... this location is starting to feel pretty dopey.


-- Pete