Blast from the Past #550: December 3, 2007: comments on TMNT154 SecondDraft, December 4, 2007: Re: TMNT155FirstDraft, and December 5, 2007: Re: TMNT158 Outline

Subj: comments on TMNT154 SecondDraft
Date: Monday, December 3, 2007 10:27:48 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


         Here are my comments on Ep. 154 2nd draft "Tempus Fugit":


1.) Re: the following:

"SERLING
Don’t let the Time Window hit you in the butt on your way out!"

This is a pretty dopey line, makes little sense, and doesn't even sound like Serling. I'd lose it.


2.) Re: the following:

"<BZZRRRRPPP!!!> a RED SNAPPING ENERGY erupts from out of Serling.
SERLING
Dear me!  
*ON THE TURTLES and SPLINTER – just as they are being whisked away into a TIME STREAM they see the commotion.  
*SPLINTER
Serling-san!"

Having Splinter say "Serling-San" here seems very odd to me. Has Splinter EVER referred to Serling in this manner? And why NOW, of all times?  As it doesn't seem necessary, too, I'd lose it.


3.) Re: the following:

"*CLAMPING DOWN on Leo’s RIB BONE weapons and violently shaking him back and forth.  Leo tries to hold on…
*SLAPPING MASTER SPLINTER over some BRUSH with a VICIOUS TAIL WHIP. 
*LEONARDO
(being shaken by dino)
A little help, Mikey?!
*ON MIKEY – he’s still frantically searching for a weapon.  When suddenly he sees two small ARMADILLO-LIKE DINO CREATURES waddling along nearby.
*Meanwhile, Splinter has landed in a patch of brush.  He gets to his feet, but as he does, he finds himself face to face with a HUGE <SNARLING> TRICERATOPS!
*SPLINTER looks down at his LEAFY BRANCH and grabs it with conviction. 
*Back with the Spinosaurus, Leo is still being shaken back and forth by the dino when suddenly:"

This bit with Leo being shaken back and forth because he won't let go of his bone weapons seems VERY silly, very slapsticky. It doesn't seem at all like the actions of a ninja master.


4.) Re: the following:

"*Mikey jumps in wielding the TWO ARMADILLO-LIKE DINO CREATURES by their TAILS like nun-chucks!  Mikey dishing out a serious WALLOPING to the Spinosaurus!
*The Spinosaurus releases Leo and retreats a few steps.  Mikey looks back to Leo, Don and Raph and shows off his new weapons.
*MICHELANGELO
Check it out!  Nun-chucks - old school style!
*Just then, one of the peeved CRITTERS peaks out from under its armor and CHOMPS down on Mikey’s arm!  Mikey let’s out his patented <GIRLISH SCREAM>, and drops both critters."

There's something a little creepy and cruel about Mikey using two little innocent animals to BASH the Spinosaurus with.


5.) Re: the following:

"*AXE WIELDING KNIGHT
Yield, you foul beast! 
*Splinter takes notice of a LARGE TREE behind him.
*SPLINTER
Make me."

"Make me"? Definitely NOT a Splinter line.


6.) Re: the following:

"*With that, the AXE WIELDING KNIGHT unleashes a powerful series of AXE SLASHES and Splinter continues to PARRY them – but this time, in such a way that each AXE SLASH HACKS into the TREE behind. 
*Finally, when the TREE looks to be been nearly chopped all the way through, Splinter LEAPS BACK and KICKS it, causing it to TIMBER DOWN right on the AXE WIELDING KNIGHT!"

I think this bit is one of those things that sort of seems okay on paper, but when you start actually thinking about it, the action doesn't make a whole lot of sense.


7.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
It’s not a weapon!  It’s an internal safeguard mechanism!  
*Leo and Don now DASH towards the THREE KNIGHTS attacking Serling and each engage one.
*LEONARDO
But if it’s internal what good is it against Viral?  She’s out here with us!
*Splinter suddenly leaps into the fray and engages the third Knight.
*DONATELLO
Yes, but if we recalibrate the program then maybe we could use it externally… as a kind of decompiling blast!"

As fond as I am of "technobabble", this is all gibberish.


8.) Re: the following:

"*DONATELLO
Guys!  Get outta the--"

Don does not say "outta"... he says "out of".


9.) Re: the following:

"Just then, from the corner of the lair, there’s a RUSTLING beneath a pile of BOXES and CRATES.
The Turtles all rush over and remove the DEBRIS.
*RAPHAEL
Master Splinter!"

To make this scene work better, I think Raph's "Master Splinter!" would be better as "Master Splinter...?".


-- Peter

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Subj: Re:   TMNT155FirstDraft
Date: Tuesday, December 4, 2007 11:31:50 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,


         Here are my comments on Ep.155 first draft "Karate Schooled".


1.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I’ve reconfigured the memory data from Serling’s banks a thousand different ways … and still … I don’t know exactly what happened to him."

This is a little confusing (though made clearer in the following dialogue) -- when Don says "to him", it sounds at first as if he's referring to Serling. But as we see in a few more lines, he's not talking about Serling, but about Splinter. I think a small change might be in order here -- just have Don say "I don’t know exactly what happened to Master Splinter."


2.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I have been!  And … and I got nothing!"

The phrase "I got nothing!" is too slangy for Don. He should say "I've got nothing!"


3.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I installed a new system based on future tech.  New laser trip lines.  New monitors.  New everything."

Not that this should be a HUGE problem, but... while reading the above, it occurred to me that Don, by doing what he says here, may be changing the future! And given how concerned he was about "polluting the timestream" in the first episode of this season (where he made everybody leave their Fast Forward gear in the future), it would seem logical that he would continue to be concerned.
In fact, he should be REALLY concerned that Serling is with them in the past. This big hunk of future tech could REALLY screw up the timestream if the wrong person got hold of it. I think it would be interesting to work this concept into these episodes. Perhaps there could be discussions about what to do with Serling -- maybe he should even be destroyed to keep his presence from causing time problems.


4.) Re: the following:

"SERLING (CONT’D)
No need to introduce yourselves.  I am very pleased to meet you, April.  You remind me so much of Cody.  But, to be honest, I didn’t think Casey Jones would be such a blockhead."

The "I didn’t think Casey Jones would be such a blockhead" bit doesn't make much sense here, as Casey has yet to do or say anything in this scene to indicate blockheadedness. Perhaps something different would be more appropriate, such as "I didn’t think Casey Jones would be so... disheveled."


5.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
(a little angry)
He got blasted into a million digitalized pieces and we don’t know where he is."

I think "digitized" works better than "digitalized".


6.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
Yeah, I’ve never known Casey to be so punctual about anything."

Leo doesn't say "Yeah".


7.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
Speaking of “new techniques,” I still can’t get over Casey’s new fight moves."

"New fight moves" sounds grammatically suspect. I suggest either "new fighting moves" or simply "new moves".


8.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
I have had enough of this!  Raph!  Mikey!  Let’s play a little music ourselves!

CASEY charges at the turtles but they side step … Mikey drops to the ground to <TRIP> Casey while Leonardo and Raphael use every bit of their energy to both kick Casey in the back sending him flying …"

Two things about this bug me. First, Leo's lines not only don't sound like Leo, they're also extraneous and unnecessary -- I'd lose them. Second, the way Raph and Leo kick Casey in the back, essentially using his body as a ram to destroy the gong is really brutal and unseemly. 


9.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
We gotta get Casey and get out of here!"

Leo doesn't say "gotta". And what's up with him running away from this fight? Seems odd.


10.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Case, your sensei was a real head case."

Why does this line start and end with "Case"? Sounds weird.


11.) I have to say that the way this last fight was concluded just doesn't feel right for some reason. Maybe it's because making a building fall in on one (human) person seems more like a villain thing, not a Turtle thing.


-- Pete

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Subj: Re:   TMNT158 Outline
Date: Wednesday, December 5, 2007 6:52:38 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


         Here are my comments on Ep. 158 outline "Hacking Stockman".


1.) Re: the following:

" He rears back to slash Leo—but the purple energy binding our hero finally dies out, and he manages to roll out of the way of the blow! "

It would be nice to have some logical reason why the Purple Dragons have a weapon which apparently can easily render the Turtles helpless (the "wicked blasts of PURPLE LIGHTNING"), but they only use it ONCE.


2.) Re: the following:

"The TURTLE COPTER shatters the diamond-shaped roof and drops into the cavernous showroom, dousing the dragons with blasts from its water cannons."

This is all done with no one piloting it?


3.) Re: the following:

"The CYBER SHREDDER angrily contemplates his return to our world from a THRONE made of pure data, crackling and alive with the world’s communications.  He MUST escape this digital prison, but how…? His reverie is interrupted by the cybernetic avatar of MASTER KHAN, arriving with bad news."

How does Master Khan know the Cyber Shredder is free from his digital prison/vault and roaming cyberspace? Did I miss something?


4.) Re: the following:

"Serling tries to help Raph’s headache with gloopy leftover pie instead of an icepack, apologizing that he’s a little “off his railroad” as he indicates MISSING PIECES pirated by Don."

"Off his railroad”? Huh?


5.) Re: the following:

"Don reveals the project he’s been working day and night on – the DATA MAGNET. (Name TBD) This cumbersome device is cobbled from parts from across New York City, not to mention Serling’s head! Don believes that the device, if given enough power, can identify a virtual packet wavelength (like Splinter’s bits) and ATTRACT others like it, siphoning them from the digital realm. It should be able to pull together all of the missing pieces of Splinter’s essence so that he can be recompiled! Don is so tired, though, that he rambles instead of explains, almost knocking over his own machine!"

I know the name is "TBD", but it already sounds and seems WAY too much like the "antique magnet" from the old Turtle tv series. Also, it doesn't even seem to make any real sense given how the Internet and data on it work. And why is it "cumbersome"?


6.) Re: the following:

"Hun gives Stockman his cut of the diamonds, which the cyborg gleefully accepts to finance some new enhancements he’s been planning. “I’ve got all five senses, the strength of fifty men, and the internet…but I’d really like a brain massage function and the new Guitar Master game.”"

The "brain massage function" part I can accept, but "the new Guitar Master game"...?


7.) Re: the following:

"“It’s your rightful master, you pious dungheap!”"

I don't think "pious" is really the right word here.


8.) Re: the following:

"Don fires up the Data-magnet to popping lights, rumbling in the ground, etc. wide-eyed and a little manic. But as mortar and bricks begin to fall, it looks like Don’s machine is gonna shake the lair apart!"

This is really pretty silly.


9.) Re: the following:

"“Turtles! Turtles!” It sounds like Splinter’s voice!"

Why?


10.) Re: the following:

"The guys race across town in the BATTLESHELL, leaping over cars"

"Leaping over cars"? WTF?!


11.) Re: the following:

"…except for Don, who sneaks along the perimeter of the fray, trying to get close with his heavy Data Magnet! As he hooks it up to the Lab’s POWER CONDUITS, Don thinks to himself, “I won’t let you down again, Master Splinter. I’ll get you out of there, THEN we’ll deal with Shredder—“ 


Leo manages to get close enough to Shredder/Stockman to start doing damage with his Katanas, taking a lot of heat as those titanium blades get closer and closer. Having secured Shredder’s attention, he calls to his brothers, “Now!” Mikey and Raph dive in, each armed with small EXPLOSIVE DEVICES…but no Don!  


This leaves a gaping hole in the Turtle’s plan, and Shredder easily flips backwards, dodging the attack!  The resultant explosion blows the guys across the lab, leaving Shredder unharmed! 


Don looks up from his work in horror as his brothers all fall beneath the PURPLE LIGHTNING, Shredder has won!!"

This "heavy data magnet" bit is getting increasingly silly... and I have yet to see any particular reason for it.
And the purple lightning is back. Why? How?


12.) Re: the following:

"He lifts a large section of wall to crush them with, when Don flips over him, shattering Shredder’s “face” with his bo staff!  For a moment, the Shredder is blind!"

Does that seem a little TOO easy for Don to do?


13.) Re: the following:

"Cyber Shredder’s body begins to glow from within, and bits of him FIRE OFF in all directions. HIS data is being scrambled! Shredder screams as his data bits tremble and…EXPLODE!! 


INT. THE LAB – CONTINUOUS


Don is stunned, “I didn’t make a data magnet…it’s a data detonator!”"

This seems preposterous to me.


-- Pete