Blast from the Past #600: November 27, 2002: Re: Update and stuff!, November 28, 2002: Re: Gobble Gobble!, and November 29, 2002: Re: Gobble Gobble!

Subj: Re: Update and stuff!
Date: Wednesday, November 27, 2002 9:37:39 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I will be home for Thanksgiving this week and should be able to continue reviewing and commenting on material. I am downloading the first draft of episode 24 as I type this and hope to read it tonight.

A few comments on recent artwork faxes:

Leo's room: No problem, looks good. Actually, just one thought -- would Leo have more weapons in his room, displayed on the walls?

Shredder "clones": Right now they look too normal, especially in the basic body and head proportions of four-armed Shredder and claw-arm Shredder -- they don't look weird enough! Looking back at the way they look in the comics, we drew them with subtle and not-so-subtle distortions in the proportions of both their bodies and their costumes. Look at the helmets -- we made a point of giving big four-armed Shredder a wide, squat helmet; claw-arm Shredder a long, thin helmet; and mini Shredder a bulbous helmet. Also, note the distortions of the blades on the armor and the three-pronged blade on the helmets. I think the key word here is "warped".

--Peter

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Subj: Re: Gobble Gobble!
Date: Thursday, November 28, 2002 11:47:43 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I just read the outline for episode 23 ("Return To New York" part 3), and if we can do all of it, it should be one kick-ass episode! I like most of it, and only have a few comments.

1.) Pg. 3: Stockman throws the Shredder and Hun around a bit too easily... especially when a few pages later the Shredder and Leo successfully go toe-to-toe with Stockman. I think showing the Shredder and maybe Hun getting in a few blows and maybe dodging a few of Stockman's before getting laid low here would give this scene a bit more verisimilitude.

Also -- weren't there Elite ninjas in this scene at the end of the last episode, or am I misremembering? In this outline they don't seem to appear until page 11.

2.) Pg. 8: I think it's a mistake to make it appear here that Splinter is in imminent danger of dying if he doesn't get medical help. (Specifically, as one example, Splinter doesn't need to say "I am finished.") For one thing, I don't think Leo would leave him in that state and return to the battle. Also, it makes the disappearance of Splinter later have less weight -- if we the viewers believe Splinter's about to die, then it really doesn't matter as much that we later find him missing. We should make the viewer believe that if the Turtles can only win this battle, then they will be able to return to Splinter and take him away so he can be healed... then pull the rug out from under them when Splinter disappears.

3.) Pg. 12: DO we need equal numbers of Guardians as Foot ninja? Or should there be fewer, implying that the Guardians are actually superior fighters?

4.) Pg. 13: The Sword of Tengu suddenly becomes a laser, a tractor beam -- a "light flail"? I think this is a bit much, and it causes an even greater strain on credulity a page later (14) when Leo is using his ordinary steel swords to hold back the Sword of Tengu. Some adjustment is needed here, I think. We have to be careful that we don't establish such powers for the sword that it can do anything.

5.) Pg. 16: I think it would be more dramatic and poignant if when the Turtles go to look for Splinter, there is something (like a crashed pod in exactly the same place Leo left Splinter) that would lead the Turtles to think that Splinter got blown off the edge of the building. Then later, when they can't locate his body anywhere on the ground, hope rises that Splinter may still be alive -- and they then set out to find him.

6.) Pg. 17: When the headless Shredder picks up his head/helmet, I think we should be careful not to show any robot/mechanical stuff where the head has been severed from the shoulders, so as to keep the mystery going. As it stands right now, that's a pretty creepy and mysterious scene!

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Here are some comments on Show #24 "Lone Raph and Cub" first draft:

1.) Pg. 17: I would suggest changing Raph's lines "I got somebody who's in trouble too. Kinda like a dad, I guess." to something like "I got a... parent who's in trouble, too."

2.) Pg. 28: At the top of the page, the phrase "... her back inside!" is said twice in two lines by different characters.

I'm still not 100% comfortable with Raph's helplessness while blinded. I would like to emphasize what is briefly touched on -- that in addition to being blinded, Raph has a ringing in his ears, which, while not deafening him, is definitely screwing up the acuity of his hearing.

Also, how old is this kid? For some reason the age of five years is in my head. Did we discuss this? If he is supposed to be five, he sounds a bit older than that as written. His reaction to Raph also seems a bit blase. Even if he's a tough kid, I would think meeting a big talking mutant warrior turtle would have more effect.

--Peter

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Subj: Re: Gobble Gobble!
Date: Friday, November 29, 2002 11:07:02 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,

I understand the concern about blowing up the Shredder's building -- or any big skyscraper -- in this somewhat hypersensitive post 9/11 period, but as you point out, the building is not being blown up but rather all of its electrical/electronic systems are being shorted/burned out during the battle.  

However, I must say that when I was reading that outline for the first time, I was actually starting to worry -- due to all the fires/explosions/etc., plus the fact that at one point on page 15 there's a line "It's time to destroy the building and go home" -- that somebody had forgotten that the Shredder's building was supposed to be still standing in one of the later episodes (when the Turtles use a fake Shredder to lure a Guardian out into the open)! Only when I got to the very end (literally the last page) did I realize that it was going to be left standing. 

Perhaps we can do something in the script to indicate explicitly that when Don gets the idea to use Stockman's "radium power cell" and the Sword of Tengu together to accomplish something, that something is NOT the leveling/reduction to rubble of the building, but instead the destruction of the Shredder's electronic infrastructure. It might not even hurt to have some clarifying dialogue where Don makes his suggestion, Leo responds with concern about causing the building to collapse, and Don reassures him that it won't.

-- Peter