Blast from the Past #560: January 31, 2008: Re: TMNT161Dr3

Subj: Re:   TMNT161Dr3
Date: Thursday, January 31, 2008 10:50:37 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


P. Laird comments on Ep. 161 Web Wranglers third draft


1.) Re: the following:

" *RAPH
It’s a long way from cyberspace.  Ask me, this thing had help gettin’ here.
*A beat, then sudden & grave concern.  They catch his drift.
 *LEO AND DON
The Shredder."

It occurs to me that, at this point the Turtles are unaware that the Shredder has a portal which can allow him (or other cyberspace things) to enter the physical world... and, in fact, the only portal of that nature that they DO know about is the one that Donatello created. So... wouldn't their first reaction be to look at Don? Thinking, perhaps, that during his various attempts to find all of Splinter's bit he might have inadvertently let something in?


2,) Re: the following:

" *MIKEY
Uh, bros?! That thing didn’t come alone!!!!  <Pointing> Look!
ON MIKEY pointing at the TV in horror.  His brothers step in.  Their eyes go wide!  From the set (its back to us) we HEAR:   
 TV REPORTER (V.O.)
This is Channel 6 News bringing you live reports of hideous, rampaging creatures tearing through the streets of downtown Manhattan! "

I know, and you know, that Mike is right -- that, in fact, these other creatures are cyberspace denizens transformed into bizarre reality. But... how does Mike KNOW this with such certainty that he can just say "That thing didn’t come alone!!!!"? Obviously, he can't... but he can GUESS at the connection. I think the above would work better as follows:


"" *MIKEY
Uh, bros?! I don't think that thing came alone!!!!  <Pointing> Look!"


3.) Re: the following:

"TRACK TURTLES: running and leaping through streets – at full speed. Don holds <beeping> scanner. They’re tracking something.
 DON
The creature is up ahead – moving fast!
THEIR POV: trash cans up ahead topple and <crash> – upended by someone or something moving fast.  But what we cannot see. "

Given that the creature they eventually locate is the cuddly-wuddly l'il chipmunk, does it REALLY make sense that it could topple and upend trash cans?


4.) Re: the following:

" *DON
Scanners are detecting a cyber window forming downtown!  It could be the Shredder – porting out now, or an hour from now!  There’s no way of knowing how long it takes his portal to work."

This is weird. If Don has "scanners" which can detect "a cyber window forming downtown", WHY didn't they go off earlier when all of the creatures were coming through the selfsame "cyber window"?
Also, this whole thing about how they don't know how long it takes his cyber portal to work is a little goofy. Obviously, they know -- from their own experience -- that you need two things to go from cyberspace to reality: one, a "virtual" portal IN cyberspace; and two, a converter portal in the real world to convert your digital stuff into physicality. They also know it's important to stop the Shredder from accomplishing his goal ASAP. Any discussion about how long it takes the Shredder's portal to work is irrelevant... they need to act NOW.


5.) Re: the following:

"**MIKEY (O.S.)
Dudes, who said we have to stop him?  What if we like stop his cyberspace portal instead? 
*Leo, Don and Raph turn to see Mikey standing beside the MOUSE CREATURE still suspended in STASIS.  Mikey smiles with hope.
**MIKEY  
You know, beam in and mess with the virtual software - so when he ports out, he ports out not so real!  Kinda like…  <Points> this guy!
*ON HIS BROS: A beat. Then… eyes alight!  They smile!  
*LEO
What do you say, Donny?  That possible?"

Two things here. First, although I like the idea that goofy Mike is the one who suggests the solution (or at least half of the solution), I think some note needs to be made of the fact that Mike has done something out of character, i.e. come up with an idea that would typically be something Donatello would do. This could be accomplished in a line or two.
Second, Leo's "That possible?" line is a little bit of "lazy-speak" that doesn't sound like Leo. He would say "Is that possible?"


6.) Re: the following:

"**LEO
Okay – you and Mike will venture into Cyberspace and attempt to reset the Shredder’s virtual portal.  Send all his hard work down the drain!
*DON
Right.  While you and Raph head downtown to greet whatever is stepping out that cyber window.  If Mikey and I reset the portal in time, whatever it is won’t be pretty. "

This discussion about doing something to "reset" the Shredder's virtual portal seems somehow soft. I mean, resetting is something you typically do with your computer or other electronic gizmo to FIX it.. and the Turtles definitely don't want to fix the Shredder's portal. I suggest finding some other terms which more clearly suggest that their intention is to disrupt/damage/break/corrupt/crash/etc. the Shredder's virtual portal.


7.) Re: the following:

"He <claps>.  Suddenly, the screen doors on back & parallel walls slide open, revealing TROOPS OF FOOT SOLDIERS – weapons drawn!
 LEO AND RAPH
Aw… <Worried> shell!"

This is a pretty goofy/silly response from Leo and Raph under these circumstances... ESPECIALLY Leo.


8.) Re: the following:

" LEO
<Fighting> How you doing, Raph?"

Another example of what I call inappropriate "lazy-speak" -- I believe Leo would say "How are you doing, Raph?"


9.) Re: the following:

"ENRAGED – Shredder lashes out with MIGHTY FISTS – mowing down KHAN, FOOT SOLDIERS, CANDLES indiscriminately… 
 MASTER KHAN AND SOLDIERS
<IMPACT GRUNT AND CRIES OF PAIN!>
… PUNCHING thru walls – <BOOM!> - exposing the street outside…
CLOSE: the candles ignite the shoji screens. Flames spread:
THE CHAMBER: BURNS!!!  Khan & Ninjas flee! Leo & Raph are free.  "

I thought we got rid of the candles? We certainly don't need them to get a fire going.


-- Peter