Subj: Re: Karate Schooled FINAL
Date: Friday, December 14, 2007 12:16:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
comments on Ep. 155 "Karate Schooled" final
1.) In my previous notes, I said this:
"Re: the following:
"*EXT. ALLEY – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
*THE HAULER is about to impact the wall but suddenly GOES STRAIGHT UP with <BLASTS> from underneath RISING UP AND UP as …
*INT. HAULER – CONT’D
*Michelangelo is thrown around and PRESSED down hard in the wild vertical ride.
*EXT. ROOFTOP – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
*The Hauler comes up and lands (gently) lowering to the rooftop.
*INT. HAULER – ROOFTOP – NIGHT – CONT’D
*Michelangelo is upside-down and sprawled all over the inside of the Hauler.
*MICHELANGELO
This … this crate can fly?
*LEONARDO
Something you might have known if you had helped out more.
*RAPHAEL
Yeah, Donny can make these beauties all on his lonesome."
A couple of things here. First, the idea that this "Hauler" can FLY, while not completely silly, is close enough to preposterous that I think we should seriously limit how much flying it can do, or it's going to turn into "Fast Forward". I suggest adding a line here, perhaps as follows:
"*MICHELANGELO
This … this crate can fly?
RAPHAEL
For short emergency hops, anyway.
*LEONARDO
Something you might have known if you had helped out more."
Also, Raph's last line had me scratching my head -- what is he trying to say here? It seems especially odd given the setup by Mike's and Leo's lines preceding it."
I appreciate the fact that the Raph line has been deleted, but I am still concerned about the Turtles having "flying cars" in the show. It really does start feeling like "Fast Forward". Unless there is a compelling reason to have this kind of thing in the show, I would suggest re-considering my suggestion about adding the line about "short emergency hops".
2.) Also in my previous comments, I said this:
"2.) Re: the following:
"THE HAULER side door <OPENS>. Looking a little battered and worn out, Leonardo and Raphael help a semi-conscious Casey into the HAULER.
MASTER KHAN gets to his feet.
MASTER KHAN
You shall not escape!
ON THE HAULER now contains the three turtles and Casey. Mikey smiles.
*RAPHAEL
Once around the dojo and home, James!"
While Raph's line is kind of funny, I think it might be more appropriate to use that line to say something about why the Turtles appear to be running away from the fight (something they would not ordinarily do). My suggestion would be for one of them (could be Raph) to say something about how they'd like to stick around and continue to kick shell, but they have to get their buddy Casey to safety."
There is now a new line in the script, as follows:
"**RAPHAEL
Sorry, school’s out for Casey!"
This is MARGINALLY okay, but I really don't think it goes far enough in explaining why the Turtles are running away from the fight with Master Khan at this moment.
Other than those two things, I see no problems with this final draft.
-- Peter
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Subj: comment on TMNT Something Wicked 2nd Draft
Date: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:57:05 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
comments on Ep. 156 "Something Wicked" second draft
Not much to say -- this one is looking good!
1.) Re: the following:
"The Cyber Shredder pulls back his arms that are CUT OFF at the end (cleanly and computerized/digitized … not gross … more like the T1000 Liquid Metal terminator). And, just like that, with a <SURGE> of <CRACKLING> energy, Cyber Shredder re-grows his arms just as they were before."
This is a minor point, and may not be necessary or practical to address. But I was thinking that it might be cool to do something a little different with the way things like the Shredder's sliced off arms reform in cyberspace. Specifically, I wonder if it would be cool to use a CG particle animation system to create "number clouds" which would be the basis for this re-forming.
It would be something that from a distance just looked like a roiling mass of particles coming together to form whatever shape was necessary... but if looked at more closely, those "particles" would be seen to actually be NUMBERS (and maybe other symbols commonly used in computer programming, like < > / ] { and so on).
-- Pete
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Subj: Re: TMNT155RevFINAL
Date: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 11:28:45 AM
From: Peter Laird
To: Lloyd Goldfine
comments on Ep. 155 "Karate Schooled" final revised
1.) Re: the following:
"***RAPHAEL
There’s hover feature for emergencies, yeah."
Thank you for incorporating my suggestion, but I think there is an "a" missing between "There's" and "hover".
2.) Re: the following:
"MASTER KHAN
(to students)
Destroy the turtles! Tear them limb from limb. I command you!"
A minor point and not really necessary... but as I was reading this again I thought -- given the bloodthirsty nature of the "Tear them limb from limb" line -- it might be creepy/fun to add something turtle-specific, along the following lines:
"MASTER KHAN
(to students)
Destroy the turtles! Crack open their shells! Tear them limb from limb. I command you!"
3.) Re: the following:
"Leonardo ducks down under a clothesline arm from Casey …
**LEONARDO
He can’t hear us. It’s like he’s hypnotized! <DOOF!>"
Earlier, Leo said this about the other students of Master Khan:
"**LEONARDO
Like they’re under some kind of mind control… try not to hurt them."
Given that Casey is clearly being controlled in the same way, might it not make sense that Leo comment should reflect that connection? Perhaps it could read as follows:
"Leonardo ducks down under a clothesline arm from Casey …
**LEONARDO
He can’t hear us. He's being mind-controlled -- like those other students! <DOOF!>"
4.) Re: the following:
"**RAPHAEL
<Grunt!> I’ll write ya an apologize later!"
I think that should be "apology", not "apologize".
5.) Re: the following:
"**MASTER KHAN
Yes, the Foot! The Foot shall rise again like a tidal and come crashing down on you! Crushing the life out of you! By these hands!"
That should be "tidal wave", right?
-- Peter
P.S. I think this may be my quickest turnaround yet!
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