Blast from the Past #556: January 2, 2008: Re: No Subject, January 3, 2008: Re: TMNT - 162 Outline, January 7, 2008: Re: TMNT156SomethingWickedFINAL, and January 11, 2008: Re: TMNT159

Subj: Re: No Subject
Date: Wednesday, January 2, 2008 6:52:48 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

In a message dated 1/2/08 3:21:40 PM, Lloyd writes:

"Hey Pete –
  
 First, thanks for having me up for the annual Mirage Yankee Swap festivities.  As always, it was great to see you and the guys.
  
 Now onto your favorite subject in the world – the dreaded sub-branding line for this next season of Turtles. 
  
 The time has come to make a decision once and for all. 
  
 As I reported previously, Playmates wants “The Return of Shredder.” 
  
 While I don’t hate that, it feels weird to slap that onto the show or sing it in the main title. 
  
 Previously, you listed the following as possibilities that “don’t make you puke:”
  
                         TMNT: Cybernauts
                         TMNT: The Search for Splinter
  
 “Cybernauts” isn’t a terrible idea, but that’s only one part of what’s going on this season.
  
 I don’t think search for Splinter works for the same reason I don’t like “The Return of Shredder” -- too specific a focus.
  
 On the list of possible sub-branding lines that I originally sent out we also proposed “TMNT: Back to the Sewer.”  I’m really starting to lean towards this one, and here’s why: 
  
 a) it’s broader than the others (an envelope that can encompass any and every thing we do this season)
  
 b) it says they’re back (from the future)
  
 c) and it talks to the idea that they need to be secretive again (hiding underground as opposed to Fast Forward’s out-in-the-open-Turtles).
  
 I think “Back to the Sewer” can really work.
  
 Let me know your thoughts.  If you agree (or if it doesn’t make you puke) I’ll run it by Playmates.
  
 Hope you and the family had a great holiday.
  
 Happy New Year!
  
 Lloyd>>

Lloyd,


I was happy you could make it up for the Yankee Swap -- it's always fun to have you there!


As for the sub-branding, I could live with "TMNT: Back to the Sewer". It didn't make me puke!


-- Pete

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Subj: Re: TMNT - 162 Outline
Date: Thursday, January 3, 2008 10:03:45 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 162 outline "Superquest"


1.) Re: the following:

"Entering Cyberspace is tricky enough, but entering a video game? Well, that’s even more complicated. Says Don:  


“This will be different from going into cyberspace.  We’ll be stepping into a game world with clearly defined rules.”

A minor point, but when Don says “This will be different from going into cyberspace", it seems to imply that going into this video game ISN'T going into cyberspace... when in fact it IS. A minor word change could fix this, perhaps as follows:


"“This will be different from going into the parts of cyberspace we're familiar with.  We’ll be stepping into a game world with clearly defined rules.”


2.) Re: the following:

" (Note: Let’s do whatever we can to sell this as a game world, not reality.  E.G, things could look blocky and pixilated, especially up close; include heath bars over player characters; use video game sfx, etc.)"

With that in mind, maybe there could even be "product placements" in these scenes, perhaps signs for "SuperQuest" itself.


3.) While reading this part of the outline, I am remembering some similar stuff from the old "Battle Nexus" episodes, specifically how Raph and Mike related to each other. I wonder if it might be fun to throw in a quick line to reference those earlier episodes.


4.) Re: the following:

"(Note: when players in the real world speak into their headset, their characters speak in the game – but with a different, character appropriate voice.)"

So... does this mean the Turtles speak in different voices also? That could get confusing.
Actually, there could be a fun gag in this idea -- when the Turtles first show up in the Super Quest world, they all DO speak with different voices, to the GREAT annoyance of Raph, who is saddled with some kind of goofy, squeaky voice to fit his court jester persona. Raph begs Don to do something about it, and Don is able to use some tech gizmo he has with him to reset the programming affecting them so that they will speak in their normal voices.


5.) Re: the following:

"Says Mikey: “You know, you’re not such a tool, after all.  And you’ve got some mad skills.”  Says the Elf: “Yeah, you too.  Who knows in the real world I might even consider you a friend.”  Mikey: “See ya around, Elf.”  Elf666: “Yeah, see you--” ON THAT, FLASH TO REALITY TO REVEAL: HUN!  He’s at a computer, playing SuperQuest, speaking into a headset, finishing Elf666’s dialogue: “—around, White Knight.”"

This is kind of interesting but also kind of odd. Isn't Mikey obviously a Ninja Turtle while in the game? And if so, wouldn't Hun see him as such? And if that is true, WHY would Hun want to help him?
Perhaps for this "surprise reveal" of the player behind Elf666 we could use another character from a past episode, someone who would WANT to help Mike and the other Turtles. April? Angel? Silver Sentry? Nano? The Fugitoid? Serling?


-- Peter

----------------------------------------------------


Subj: Re:   TMNT156SomethingWickedFINAL
Date: Monday, January 7, 2008 12:42:57 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 156 final "Something Wicked"


1.) Re: the "handheld devices" that Don gives the other Turtles and which create the "X-Runners" in cyberspace -- are these going to be ATTACHED to the Turtles in any way (clipped to belts, slung over shoulders, stuck on armbands, etc.)? The reason I ask is that if they are JUST handheld, they are is great peril of being lost by the Turtles during their battles in cyberspace.


2.) Re: the following:

"**SHREDDER
Turtles.  I learned that you were still alive … but I had not expected to see you here. 
***MICHELANGELO
No joke!  What’s a nice villain like you doing in a place like this?"

Mike's "nice villain" line here sounds a bit off. I know it's a play on the old "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" line, but "nice villain" just sounds weird to me. I would either eliminate it entirely, as it's not really necessary, or rework it somehow... maybe as follows:


"***MICHELANGELO
No joke!  What’s a villain like you doing in a nice place like this?"


3.) Re: the following:

"***RAPHAEL
Last we heard you were crated off to some far-off asteroid with zero chance a’ parole!
THE CYBER SHREDDER laughs …
**SHREDDER
Poor pathetic fools, you should have learned by now that nothing can stop the Shredder!"

Given that the creation of this "back-up copy" of the Shredder HAD to have been created by the Shredder prior to his trial and subsequent banishment by the Utroms to that frozen asteroid, doesn't it seem odd that this version of the Shredder doesn't even react in the slightest to what SHOULD seem, to him, like a bizarre comment on Raph's part? I mean, THIS version of the Shredder is an older copy with no knowledge of those events.


4.) Re: the following:

"THE CYBER SHREDDER is still <FRYING> Raphael when he looks to see … LEONARDO coming right at him on the X-Runner - faster and faster …
Until at the last second, the Cyber Shredder must disperse or be slammed.  Shredder <VANISHES> into a cloud of digitized energy."

I don't know if it is possible to do this, as I don't remember exactly how the Turtles look in the X-Runners (i.e. how they pilot them), but as I was reading this I though it would be cool -- and more threatening-looking -- if Leo could be brandishing one or both cyber-katanas as he is rushing toward the Shredder on his X-Runner.


-- Peter

--------------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT159
Date: Friday, January 11, 2008 11:17:15 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

comments on Ep. 159 Identity Crisis first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER (CONT’D)
The turtles have long vexed me!  But, there time has come."

Spelling alert! "There" should be "their".


2.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER (CONT’D)
I have found a way to bring about their doom once and for all!  But first, they will suffer!  They will suffer great humiliation and pain.  They will serve me at my leisure … and then, when I have tired of toying with them, you will finish the four of them off, Khan!"

Is the Shredder using a dangling participle here ('finish the four of them off")? Would it be more properly grammatical to say "finish off the four of them"?


3.) Re: the following:

"THE CYBER PORTAL <POWERS> up/into existence as …
… Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael face it.  Donatello steps into FRAME to join them …
LEONARDO
All right, let’s hit it."

A somewhat minor point, but "let's hit it" sounds a bit too slangy for Leo, and more like something that would come of of Raph's mouth. I suggest just having him say "let's go".


4.) Re: the following:

"RAPHAEL
Why?  Shredder ain’t around."

It should be "the Shredder".


5.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO is looking over the edge.
MICHELANGELO
Uhm guys, is Cyber Space supposed to be doing that?
MIKEY’S POV – Something strange is happening is Cyber Space.  A wave DARK ENERGY is coming at them … a black wave … almost the opposite of cyberspace … a POWER DRAIN …
WIDER DOWN ANGLE - The strange menacing wave <RACES> at the peak where the four turtles are.  It’s coming from all sides.
VARIOUS SHOTS OF – The energy is coming up the sides of the mountain.
THE TURTLES are trapped on the peak as the …
… MASSIVE POWER DRAIN WAVE is coming up at them faster and faster.
LEONARDO
Donny, I think now would be a good time to leave.
DONATELLO
I couldn’t agree more.
THE DARK WAVE of power drain is coming up at them … getting CLOSER AND CLOSER …
MICHELANGELO is looking over the peak’s edge.
MICHELANGELO
Can we leave a little faster?!
THE DARK WAVE is coming on FASTER AND FASTER <SURGING> upwards towards the turtles and …
… COMING RIGHT AT CAMERA filling the FRAME with darkness obliterating everything as we go to …"

While there is no doubt that this would be dramatic and very visual, it also strikes me as having little or no connection to the idea of a digital//cyber "virus", which I believe was the original concept. Such a thing would, I think, be less obvious and more insidious, sneaking up on the Turtles instead of bowling them over like this.
One idea that occurred to me would be to have the Turtles' cyber vehicles pick up the virus as they zoom along -- almost like real tires picking up nails -- and slowly begin to "infect" the vehicles. By the time the Turtles have rescued Splinter's data bit and start back home, the infection of the vehicles is complete and now passes into the riders. This could also be a cool visual, as the vehicles could start to freak out and malfunction in dramatic ways.
Another idea -- which I kind of like but am not sure if it'sa good precedent to set -- is that the Shredder creates a false, "poisoned" Splinter data bit to lure the Turtles in and thus infect them with his virus. But that presumes that the Shredder knows what the Turtles are looking for in cyberspace, and I don't know if we want that to be so.


6.) Re: the following:

"APRIL
What happened in there?! 
STRAIGHT ON – THE FOUR TURTLES sit up (in unison).
APRIL (CONT’D)
I was so worried.
CASEY
You okay, guys … guys?
WIDER AS – The four turtles stand in unison and, without looking at either Casey or April, they move out the door.  The turtles have a glassy-eyed look on their faces.
APRIL
Are you four feeling all right?
No response.
CASEY AND APRIL share a look.
EXT. PUMPING STATION - CENTRAL PARK – NIGHT – CONT’D
The four turtles come out into the night …
… followed by Casey and April.
CASEY
Yo, guys, wait up.  Where ya goin’?
But, with the glassy-eyed look on their faces the four turtles come right at CAMERA …
REVERSE ON – The four turtles move away from CAMERA, leap into the trees and disappear into the shadows.
WIDER – Casey and April look stunned.
APRIL
They’re gone."

I think it might make this scene a little creepier if, when April first asks if the guys are all right, they could all -- in unison -- turn their heads in her direction, give her a creepy kind of forced smile, and all say in unison the same thing (something like "We are fine, April")... and then get up and leave.


7.) Re: the following:

"VARIOUS SHOTS OF THE FOOT TURTLES AS THEY …
… ROB A BANK …
… STEAL JEWELRY …
… KNOCK OFF AN ARMORED CAR …
… knocking out GUARDS …
… <BLOWING> up safes …
END MONTAGE ON A PILE OF MONEY as we …
CROSS DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LARGE ROOM – MASTER KHAN’S NEW FOOT HIDEOUT – CONT’D
ON THE PILE OF MONEY and bags of loot are before Khan.  The CYBER SHREDDER is there in a HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION.
MASTER KHAN
All is working as planned, Master Shredder.  The turtles are our slaves.
SHREDDER
Good!  Put them to work until they have exhausted their usefulness … then, destroy them.  Nothing can save them now.  <Evil laughter> …"

I still think it would be more logical -- and interesting -- for the Shredder to send the mind-controlled Turtles after the Purple Dragons rather than waste their incredible fighting abilities doing relatively silly things like rob banks, steal jewelry, etc.. But this more pedestrian stuff MIGHT work if it was emphasized that the Turtles are being used this way in large part to humiliate them. In fact, it might be good to have a line or two where Master Khan asks WHY the Shredder isn't sending them up against the Purple Dragons, and the Shredder could make his reasons clear.


8.) Re: the following:

"EXT. FURTHER STREET – CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
April and Casey are on the bike both looking back.
CASEY
That was a little random.
APRIL
Not random enough.  Something very strange is going on."

These LINES are "a little random"! Pretty goofy stuff for Casey and April to be saying after being viciously attacked by the Turtles. How is almost being killed by your friends "a little random"?


9.) Re: the following:

"DONATELLO
I am going to thump you upside the head if you make anymore of those inane jokes."

Don wouldn't say "upside the head". Raph might.


10.) Re: the following:

"A HOLOGRAPHIC image of THE SHREDDER is projected before Master Khan.  Master Khan bows to it.
SHREDDER
Once they have retrieved the weaponry, destroy them."

This is very dramatic, but it does not make much sense. I made the comment some time back that if the Shredder were in fact able to render the Turtles so vulnerable, he would immediately have them killed so as to eliminate forever a perpetual threat to his schemes. We decided NOT to go in that direction, which is fine, but there seems to be no real reason WHY he wants them to be killed now. What has changed? They have not demonstrated, as far as I can tell, any ability to break free of their mind-controlled state, and certainly have not outlived their usefulness. It would make more sense to have a REASON for the Shredder to now take this approach. Is he afraid that his control over them won't last? Are there any indications that the Turtles are fighting that control, and might possibly overcome it? That might be interesting.


11.) Re: the following:

"APRIL (CONT’D)
Which means, that if we can somehow trigger a memory, a strong memory, a favorite memory in the turtles subconscious mind, that should help break the virus’ hold on their brains and the virus should simply vanish.  We just need imagery and a way to project it."

I think that should be "the turtles subconscious minds" (plural).


12.) Re: the following:

"LEONARDO
The weapons cache is in that abandoned warehouse.
DONATELLO
It’s always an abandoned warehouse.
MICHELANGELO
What is?
Donatello thinks about it confused.
DONATELLO
I don’t know."

Don's lines here don't make much sense to me. I think the writer is trying to indicate that Don's brain isn't working as well as it would if he were not "infected" with the cyber-virus, but the way he's chosen to do it doesn't really fly, at least in my opinion.


13.) Re: the following:

"WIDER – He looks down at Casey about to be skewered by the sais … and takes the sais away.
RAPHAEL (CONT’D)
Casey, what the heck are you doing?!  You should be messing around with weapons like this.  You might get hurt."

Raph's lines here are really silly and inappropriate.


14.) Re: the following:

"APRIL (CONT’D)
… how you knew what memory would trigger Raphael?!  I did a ton of research and even ran a computer algarhythm to determine the best memories to use.
Mikey just smiles.
MICHELANGELO
Yeah, sure, violence was a good choice … but being cruel to me, that’s one thing Raph’ll never forget."

First, it's spelled "algorithm".
Second, I think we should try to find another way to express the "being cruel to me" concept, one that doesn't sound so harsh... something to reflect the real affectionate nature of Mike and Raph's relationship.


-- Peter

Blast from the Past #555: December 22, 2007: comments on TMNT159 Outline and Re: TMNT Interstitials 156 and 157, and December 28, 2007: Re: comments on TMNT159 Outline and Re: TMNT157 2nd Draft

Subj: comments on TMNT159 Outline
Date: Saturday, December 22, 2007 9:15:23 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 159 outline "Identity Crisis"


I'm not going to go into specific comments on specific lines in this outline because I think it has enough basic problems that it might require a near-total overhaul. Here are the two big problems (the second is smaller than the first, but still problematic):


1.) If the Shredder can create this virus and use it to attack the Turtles in cyberspace, what will stop him from doing it whenever they enter cyberspace (which I suspect they will need to do more at least several more times to finish getting Splinter's "bits")?
It's not that I don't think the basic concept (using a cyber-virus to  strike at the Turtles when they are in their digital forms, and then following the effect that has on them when they return to the physical world) is bad... actually, I think it's pretty inventive. But it needs to have a "fix" figured out that will allow the Turtles to re-enter cyberspace without having to fear that they risk having their personalities and memories messed with every time. As far as I can tell, that does not exist in this outline as yet.


2.) A key part of this story's plot is that -- for some reason -- the Turtles' "cyber-portal" manifests not in their lair, but in Master Khan's Foot hideout. There seems to be no logical reason for this; in fact, the only reason for it seems to be that this is what needs to happen so April and Casey won't immediately know what happened to the Turtles, and that so the Turtles show up immediately in front of Master Khan. There has been (as far as I can recall) no set-up for this in previous episodes, i.e. that the "cyber-portal" can be created somewhere other than where Don has set up the specific equipment required to create it.


3.) Actually, I thought of a third big problem, which is this: Why, after successfully rendering the Turtles so vulnerable, does Master Khan pretend -- and work to make them believe -- that they are actually servants of the Shredder? Why not just eliminate them once and for all? Isn't that what the Shredder has been trying to do for a long time? And why have them doing things like "… rob banks… make jewelry heists… knock off an armored car …" and so on? Seems like a gross misuse of their skill sets. Why not set them after the Purple Dragons?
I think the motivation behind trying to make the Turtles believe they are actually allied to the Foot needs to be thought out more.
Here's one suggestion: What if when the Shredder attacks the Turtles with his virus while they are in cyberspace, it is his intention to destroy -- not co-opt -- them. But they somehow back it back into the physical world, somehow find themselves confronted by Master Khan... and HE takes it upon himself to hatch the scheme of fooling them into thinking they are servants of the Foot... even though it is NOT what the Shredder wants. If we went in this direction, it could be a good way to sow a seed of discord between Master Khan and the Shredder (if it was decided that such a thing could be useful to our storytelling this season).


4.) There is one very weird line in this outline that I absolutely HAVE to comment on, and that is the following:

"The turtles’ NATURAL CARTE BLANCHE PERSONALITIES are simply amplifications of themselves. "

What the heck is this supposed to mean? The Webster's Dictionary definition of "carte blanche" is "full discretionary power".  I don't get it. If the writer is thinking of the literal translation of the original French phrase ("blank document"), that STILL makes no sense. If the Turtles are "blank documents" how could they have ANY personalities... especially "amplifications of themselves"? Amplification of nothing is still nothing.


I think this idea has potential, but it really could use some more thought. One thing that just occurred to me is that maybe having all four Turtles affected this way is just overkill, and using them to then rob banks is just kind of silly. Here's one suggestion: If the key thing the Shredder is after is a way to move from cyberspace into the physical world, maybe the only Turtle he really needs to serve him is Donatello, who clearly has the wherewithal to create the cyber-portal that the Shredder needs. If it were only Don affected this way, it might offer more interesting possibilities for conflicts between "brainwashed Don" and the other three Turtles, who are shocked to see him working for the Foot... and it would offer compelling reasons for them to stop -- and save -- Don.


-- Peter

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Subj: Re:   TMNT Interstitials 156 and 157
Date: Saturday, December 22, 2007 9:33:35 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Interstitials 156-3 and 157-4


156-3


1.) Re: the following:

"ON MANHOLE COVER. The camera continues to SHAKE. The <FIGHT SOUNDS> continue.


The cover is pushed aside, as Don, Mikey, Raph and Leo EMERGE. Leo fights off TENTACLES with his KATANAS. All the Turtles are BATTERED AND BRUISED.


CLOSE ON TENTACLES/MANHOLE – The manhole cover comes crashing down, sealing the tentacles below. PAN UP TO WEARY TURTLES.


 LEONARDO
These things are going to devour the city! I think it’s time we upgrade.


INT. TURTLE LAIR – NIGHT


MONTAGE:


LEONARDO with WELDING GOGGLES, WELDING JACK HAMMER.


RAPHAEL equipping MINER’S HELMET and SHOULDER PADS.


DON loading HARPOON BLASTER.


MICHELANGELO placing BUG SPRAY CANISTERS on SUIT."

"Tentacles"? I thought they were fighting dinosaurs and prehistoric bugs? Where are the tentacles coming from?
But more importantly, it seems quite silly to me that in the middle of this fight, the Turtles stop and go off and BUILD some new equipment! What -- they expect the monsters will just stop and wait for them to get back to the battle? Or am I missing something? It would make somewhat more sense, it seems to me, that they might return to the lair to pick up -- not MAKE -- new gear which would help them deal with the problem at hand.
I also think Leo's "These things are going to devour the city!" line is very goofy.

-------------

157-4


No comments. (Though now I see that all these monsters are somehow made of "ooze" (??!!), so I guess tentacles would not be totally out of order.)


-- Peter

------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: comments on TMNT159 Outline
Date: Friday, December 28, 2007 11:17:46 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Matt at 4Kids

Matt,


I think you have suggested some pretty workable fixes.

<< 1.) If the Shredder can create this virus and use it to attack the Turtles in cyberspace, what will stop him from doing it whenever they enter cyberspace (which I suspect they will need to do more at least several more times to finish getting Splinter's "bits")?
     It's not that I don't think the basic concept (using a cyber-virus to  strike at the Turtles when they are in their digital forms, and then following the effect that has on them when they return to the physical world) is bad... actually, I think it's pretty inventive. But it needs to have a "fix" figured out that will allow the Turtles to re-enter cyberspace without having to fear that they risk having their personalities and memories messed with every time. As far as I can tell, that does not exist in this outline as yet.

 Totally agree with you – we need to create a “fix” to allow the Turtles to enter back into cyberspace without fear of their memories being wiped out again.  I think that this can be addressed at the end of the episode with April or Donatello introducing a kind of viral antidote that they developed and would neutralize the Shredder’s virus should he ever attempt to use it again.  If that feels too tacked on, we could even make this viral antidote be part of the ultimate climax that finally jogs the Turtles memories.>>

That should work fine.

  <<   2.) A key part of this story's plot is that -- for some reason -- the Turtles' "cyber-portal" manifests not in their lair, but in Master Khan's Foot hideout. There seems to be no logical reason for this; in fact, the only reason for it seems to be that this is what needs to happen so April and Casey won't immediately know what happened to the Turtles, and that so the Turtles show up immediately in front of Master Khan. There has been (as far as I can recall) no set-up for this in previous episodes, i.e. that the "cyber-portal" can be created somewhere other than where Don has set up the specific equipment required to create it.

Again, agree with you.  Perhaps we can correct this by having Shredder, as he wipes the Turtles memories, implant deep in their minds a kind of subconscious directive that prompts them to beeline it to Master Khan’s Foot hideout as soon as they emerge back into the real world.  I think this would make for an even an even more dramatic moment between April and Casey – instead of them wondering why the Turtles never reappeared they’d be wondering where they were headed off to!>>

That should work, although I wonder if it would be more interesting if, instead of "beelining" it to Master Khan's place (which I take to mean that as soon as they reappear in the Turtle Lair, they immediately rush out the door, all together, to go to see Master Khan), they APPEAR to be completely normal... but then (at some point while Casey and April are still there) the Turtles kind of "zombie out", go glassy-eyed and non-responsive, and one by one leave whatever they are doing and head out the door. If doing so causes a pacing or timing problem with the episode, it could be changed to something more like what you suggested.

   <<  3.) Actually, I thought of a third big problem, which is this: Why, after successfully rendering the Turtles so vulnerable, does Master Khan pretend -- and work to make them believe -- that they are actually servants of the Shredder? Why not just eliminate them once and for all? Isn't that what the Shredder has been trying to do for a long time? And why have them doing things like "… rob banks… make jewelry heists… knock off an armored car …" and so on? Seems like a gross misuse of their skill sets. Why not set them after the Purple Dragons?
     I think the motivation behind trying to make the Turtles believe they are actually allied to the Foot needs to be thought out more.
     Here's one suggestion: What if when the Shredder attacks the Turtles with his virus while they are in cyberspace, it is his intention to destroy -- not co-opt -- them. But they somehow back it back into the physical world, somehow find themselves confronted by Master Khan... and HE takes it upon himself to hatch the scheme of fooling them into thinking they are servants of the Foot... even though it is NOT what the Shredder wants. If we went in this direction, it could be a good way to sow a seed of discord between Master Khan and the Shredder (if it was decided that such a thing could be useful to our storytelling this season).>>

 I think you’re absolutely right – this needs to be thought out more.  I propose that the Shredder does not want to kill the Turtles because, since he is still locked in cyber space and the Foot is still rebuilding, he is shorthanded at the moment.  However, what if the Shredder makes the point that once the Turtles help stage is set for his return (by taking out various enemies and stealing loot to finance Foot operations) then Master Khan will dispatch of them.  I think this idea would raise the stakes of the whole episode and even introduce a “ticking clock” for the guys that will have nearly run out right at our climax.>>

The "ticking clock" concept is good. I still feel, though, that there is something missing here. Given how well the Turtles have done against the Foot in their many battles before, I would think that the Shredder would find better uses for them and their fighting skills than just knocking over banks and so forth. 
One possible reason the Shredder co-opts the Turtles instead of killing them outright could be that he feels that "turning" them in this fashion (i.e. making them be "evil") is sweet revenge, revenge which he will enjoy until they are no longer of any use to them. And maybe part of this revenge is that he forces them to do things which are beneath them, humiliating his former foes (at least for a little while).
Another idea, using the concept I suggested of the Shredder setting the Turtles after Hun and the Purple Dragons, could be that Hun is forced to turn to Casey and April for help with dealing with the Turtles, who have never before attacked his organization with such ferocity and single-minded purpose. He could even capture one of them and realize that the Shredder has somehow done something to them. Maybe this is complicating things too much, and perhaps we don't have time to do it within this episode, but I think it could be interesting.

    << 4.) There is one very weird line in this outline that I absolutely HAVE to comment on, and that is the following:


"The turtles’ NATURAL CARTE BLANCHE PERSONALITIES are simply amplifications of themselves. "


     What the heck is this supposed to mean? The Webster's Dictionary definition of "carte blanche" is "full discretionary power".  I don't get it. If the writer is thinking of the literal translation of the original French phrase ("blank document"), that STILL makes no sense. If the Turtles are "blank documents" how could they have ANY personalities... especially "amplifications of themselves"? Amplification of nothing is still nothing.>>

 Ha, yes, you’re right.  We’ll definitely see to it that this line (or any form of it) doesn’t make its way into any further versions of this premise!>>

Thanks!


-- Peter

-------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT157 2nd Draft
Date: Friday, December 28, 2007 11:41:05 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Matt at 4Kids

In a message dated 12/27/07 1:17:10 PM, Matt writes:

<<Hi Pete,


Thanks for all the notes!  We’ll be implementing them all – but just wanted to clarify on issue 10 :

     10.) Re: the following:


"*The image fades. Casey’s eyes NARROW. He grabs his CLUB and: STRIKES! Right where the Diamond and setting meet! <CRACK!>
*Again and again!  <CRACK! CRACK!>  Rays of light erupt on contact, blinding him – but he keeps going. <CRACK! CRACK!>
*CASEY
April! April! <ON LAST STRIKE> APRIIIL!
*He wedges his club! And with ALL HIS MIGHT pries the diamond… LOOSE! IT FALLS! The screen FLASHES with LIGHT! When it clears, we’re: WIDE: April is back to normal! And falling! As is Casey! "


     Again with the club! And I'm a little baffled by this turn of events. Are we now saying that it was the gem (i.e. the diamond) which was the source of the ring's power? That seems a little off, especially as we have made something of a big deal about removing the ring -- not a PART of the ring, not just the STONE -- to release April from its curse.
     While I'm not saying the following is the best way to accomplish what we need to accomplish in this scene, here's what I suggested in my last set of notes:


"Maybe something that would be a LITTLE bit more logical would be to have Casey grab Hun's blaster and use it to CUT through the ring, instead of trying to muscle it off. That COULD fit the legend -- even though Casey is CUTTING the ring off rather than PULLING it off, he is still the one who put it on and he's now the one who's taking it off.. And later the ring could mystically reform itself so Casey can give it back to Jin undamaged."

 I feel like since we’ve set up a rule in this episode that “you cannot remove the ring, lest you were the one to put it on,” we kind of need to hold true to it.  I worry that blasted the ring off (even it is Casey doing the blasting) isn’t quite the same as “removing” the ring (in the traditional sense) and may not deliver the same kind of pay off.
  
 What I liked about the original draft – where Casey manages to remove the ring from April with sheer strength – was that Casey was only able to do so after April appeared to him from inside the ring and urged him on - as though, it was the power of her love and his love for her that enabled him to summon the strength and save her.  Kind of in that mom lifting a truck of her baby kind of way.  If we tweaked the original version so that it was executed in a quicker way, might that be acceptable to you?
  
 Like so:
  
 But suddenly, within the diamond, a spectral image of the real April forms and flickers.  Casey sees it… his eyes go wide…
 1.     casey
 April…?
 2.      **SPECTRAL APRIL
 Casey… goongala!
 His eyes well with tears.  He presses palms against the diamond.
 3.     MR. SUN (V.O.)
 There is always a touch of light in the dark, Mr. Jones. There is always… hope.
 **The image fades. Casey’s eyes NARROW. He grabs hold of the ring and with ALL HIS MIGHT, gives one final PULL.
 4.     **casey
 APRIIIL!!!
 **Finally pries the ring… LOOSE! IT FALLS! The screen FLASHES with LIGHT! When it clears, we’re: WIDE: April is back to normal! And falling! As is Casey!
 As always, thanks Pete!  Please just let me know if this works for you!
  
 Best,


Matt>>

Matt,


As long as it is clear -- both through animation and dialogue -- that pulling this off requires ALL of Casey's strength and resolve, then I think your solution works. (And in this vein, it would be good to show somehow immediately following this action that Casey is exhausted.)


-- Peter

Blast from the Past #554: December 19, 2007: comments on TMNT161 Outline, December 20, 2007: Re: TMNT157 2nd Draft and Re: TMNT158HackingStockmanDr1

Subj: comments on TMNT161 Outline
Date: Wednesday, December 19, 2007 11:29:52 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep.161 outline Web Wranglers


1.) Re: the following:

"“Awesome,” says Mikey.  “The word you’re lookin’ for is extreme,” says Raph.  Mikey flashes a cocky grin: “Naw, this is extreme.”  He performs a stunt that involves laying stomach-down on his board and zipping straight for an oncoming subway train.  He passes under it, and when he rolls out the other end, he’s now on his back, arms folded behind his head, utterly chill. Too bad he can’t see where he’s headed: Straight for a drop!


A deep drop into a concrete tank.  He falls in!  <Sploosh!> And finds himself knee-deep in sewage."

Unless NYC subways ride on railroad tie-less tracks, it would be impossible for Mikey to do this on a skateboard -- not to mention the absurdity of trying to ride under a moving subway in the first place! I think we need to come up with something different. 


2.) Re: the following:

"CUT TO: a subway station.  The subway rolls in.  The doors slide open.  And the passengers run out <SCREAMING!>  Followed by the creature.  It emerges from a subway car covered in glass."

I'm confused -- why is the creature "covered in glass"? 


3.) Re: the following:

"WIPE TO THE TURTLES:  Windows into cyberspace open up all around them, releasing malformed birds, cats, and the like.  “Well,” says Don, “at least now we know how these things are getting here.  Through cyber windows!”  “Yeah,” says Leo, his eyes widening in alarm, “and now we know who’s sending them too!”  His brothers turn to see what Leo sees: their arch enemy, visible through an open window, inside cyber space.  They gulp.  “It’s the Shredder!”

First, Leo doesn't say "yeah".
Second, unless there is something in the rest of this outline to address this point, I think we're getting dangerously close to getting completely silly with this "creatures coming through cyber windows" thing, in this sense: If the Cyber Shredder is able to do this so easily, it stands to reason that he could just CONTINUE to do it and eventually overwhelm the Turtles (or any adversary, for that matter) with sheer volume. Perhaps we need to consider some kind of limit.


4.) Re: the following:

"BACK IN CYBER SPACE:  Mikey watches the fight, worried.  He throws a look at the portal: “Whatever you’re doing in there, bro, I hope it’s working.”   It is.  Suddenly, two digital sentries – beams of crackling energy in the vague shape of men – form on either side of the portal.  They’re armed with cyber scythes.  Uh-oh.   Looks like Don’s efforts have triggered the portal’s programmed defense system.  


They attack!  Mikey fights, but they’re too fast, too powerful.  This is their hood, after all.  But that’s when Mikey gets inspired.  He closes his eyes and strains (ala Hiro in Heroes).  “Think like Shredder! Think like Shredder!”  And when he opens his eyes, he’s shocked to find the virtual sentries frozen in place.  He stopped them with is mind!


CYBER SPACE: A stream of ones and zeros shoots out of the portal and reforms into Don.  He looks around, but can’t find Mikey.  “Over here, dude!”  Reveal: Mikey relaxing on a cyber recliner, flanked by the cyber sentries fanning him with cyber palm fronds.  “You know,” says Mikey, “cyber space isn’t so bad, once you get the hang of it.”

Groan. Not only is this "just think it, then so it will be" bit a dramatic dead-end, the "cyber recliner" and palm frond fanning is painfully silly.


5.) Re: the following:

"“The word you’re looking for is virtual,” says Leo, “You’re not real, and you never will be.  You’re nothing but a backup file.”  Suddenly we hear: <WHUP-WHUP-WHUP!>  Leo smiles: “And speaking of backup.”  Just then, the Turtlecopter arrives, piloted by Mikey and Don.  Says Mikey:  “Awesome.  Not too late for the welcome back party!”  Shredder screams.  Raph grins:  “You want outta yer virtual torment?  Our pleasure. Let’s find out just how real you are!”  On that, Raph and Leo plunge two tech-darts into Shredder.   Shredder reacts in SHOCK.  The darts <beep>.  The <beeping> gets louder and faster until – <ZZZAPT!>  Shredder explodes into a mist of pixilated dust!"

Why do Raph and Leo wait until this last moment to use the "tech-darts"? Wouldn't this have been their FIRST move against the Cyber Shredder, logically?


6.) Re: the following:

"EPILOGUE: We’re outside an apartment building.  One apartment still has lights on.  We cut inside.  A man sits at his computer surfing the web.  He rises and leaves the room.  CU on his wifi router.  The lights start to flash.  Suddenly, a mist of pixilated dust seeps into the apartment from outside – drawn by the router’s antenna.  CU on the computer screen:  the image of Shredder appears.  It <cackles> then flickers off.  The Shredder is alive.  And he’ll be back. "

This scene seems not only superfluous, but silly as well ("a mist of pixilated dust seeps into the apartment from outside – drawn by the router’s antenna"???!!). I think this episode would end better on the previous paragraph, as follows:

"The dust scatters into the night.  The Turtlecopter lands.  The turtles look pleased but weary.  “Do you think that’s the end of him?” asks Don.  Leo shakes his head: “I wouldn’t count on it.  If there’s any way to live on, the Shredder will find it.”

However, I suggest tweaking it a bit, perhaps having Leo say something like the following:


"Leo shakes his head: “I wouldn’t count on it.  If there’s any way to live on, the Shredder will find it. And it's up to us to find a way to stop him!"


7.) While I was reading this outline, it occurred to me to wonder how the Foot Mystics (if they are still around) would react to this "Cyber Shredder". There might be some fun to be had in a clash of mystic vs. techno.


-- Peter

-------------------------------------------------

Subj: Re: TMNT157 2nd Draft
Date: Thursday, December 20, 2007 11:08:41 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

P. Laird comments on Ep. 157 Engagement Ring second draft


1.) Re: the following:

" APRIL
For a paddle boat ride in Central Park?  Casey, you sure you’re feeling ok?
Casey stops pedaling.  CLOSE ON HIM: he looks deer in klieg lights.  He holds up a finger (“One Sec”).  He scrambles to remove a piece of paper from his tux. It seems to relax him.
 CASEY
Raph – I mean, I thought ya might ask that, seeing as I’m sure ta seem crazy. And the answer is: (READS PAPER), “I will now set the mood.”

When Casey says "Raph -- I mean...", it is a little awkward. It took me several readings of that line to realize what the writer was trying to do. To make it immediately clear, I would suggest a small change as follows:

" CASEY
Raph thought – I mean, I thought ya might ask that, seeing as I’m sure ta seem crazy. And the answer is: (READS PAPER), “I will now set the mood.”

2.) Re: the following:

" CASEY
Goongola! "

Unless we're looking for a new special word for Casey, I think that should be spelled "Goongala".


3.) Re: the following:

"HUN
Nice try.  <Big> Dragons, time ta ride!"

The "thug talk" filter missed this one -- that should be "to", not "ta".


4.) Re: the following:

"ON CASEY AND RAPH:  Both – ALARMED.  They chase.  But Hun pivots – aims his shotgun laser blaster…  
*HUN (TO UNCONSCIOUS APRIL)
Your boyfriend wants a goodbye kiss. 
CU on the barrel.  It sparkles with power then FIRES!"

That "goodbye kiss" comment from Hun sounds REALLY odd. And, as it's also unnecessary, I'd lose it.


5.) Re: the following:

"MR. SUN
I followed the ring’s destruction to you, as Hun did – as the authorities soon will.  Come, my friends, we must move before questions are asked…"

I think it would read better if changed slightly, as follows:


"MR. SUN
I followed the ring’s path of destruction to you, as Hun did – as the authorities soon will.  Come, my friends, we must move before questions are asked…"


6.) Re: the following:

"*MR. SUN
That is Evil made flesh. That is April."

Having Mr. Sun say "That is April" sounds a little strange, like perhaps too familiar, like he knows her. Maybe it would be better as follows:


*MR. SUN
That is Evil made flesh. That is your April."


... or maybe:


*MR. SUN
That is Evil made flesh. That is your beloved -- your April."


7.) Re: the following:

"CASEY
Goongolaaaaaaaa!"

Again, I think it should be "Goongalaaaaaaa!"


8.) Re: the following:

"CASEY
<Smirks> Ya lost yer shot. YARGH!
With lightning speed, he whips out a club and SMACKS Hun off! "

And from WHERE, exactly, does Casey whip this "club"? Perhaps a simple kick would suffice.


9.) Re: the following:

"SPECTRAL APRIL
Casey… goongola!"

Again... "goongala".


10.) Re: the following:

"*The image fades. Casey’s eyes NARROW. He grabs his CLUB and: STRIKES! Right where the Diamond and setting meet! <CRACK!> 
*Again and again!  <CRACK! CRACK!>  Rays of light erupt on contact, blinding him – but he keeps going. <CRACK! CRACK!>
*CASEY
April! April! <ON LAST STRIKE> APRIIIL! 
*He wedges his club! And with ALL HIS MIGHT pries the diamond… LOOSE! IT FALLS! The screen FLASHES with LIGHT! When it clears, we’re: WIDE: April is back to normal! And falling! As is Casey! "

Again with the club! And I'm a little baffled by this turn of events. Are we now saying that it was the gem (i.e. the diamond) which was the source of the ring's power? That seems a little off, especially as we have made something of a big deal about removing the ring -- not a PART of the ring, not just the STONE -- to release April from its curse.
While I'm not saying the following is the best way to accomplish what we need to accomplish in this scene, here's what I suggested in my last set of notes:


"Maybe something that would be a LITTLE bit more logical would be to have Casey grab Hun's blaster and use it to CUT through the ring, instead of trying to muscle it off. That COULD fit the legend -- even though Casey is CUTTING the ring off rather than PULLING it off, he is still the one who put it on and he's now the one who's taking it off.. And later the ring could mystically reform itself so Casey can give it back to Jin undamaged."


11.) Re: the following:

"*LEO
Looks like you two have a wedding coming up!  Mind if we crash?"

Leo's "Mind if we crash?" line sounds bizarre to me, and not just because it sounds so un-Leo... it would sound equally weird coming from ANY of the Turtles. Why would Leo or any of the other Turtles have to be "wedding crashers" as Casey and April's wedding?
Here's one possible alternative approach:


"*LEO
Looks like you two have a wedding coming up!
*APRIL
That's right... and you're all invited!  You guys are family.  You saved me…"


-- Peter

-----------------------------------------


Subj: Re: TMNT158HackingStockmanDr1
Date: Thursday, December 20, 2007 1:02:11 PM

From:  Peter Laird

To:    Lloyd Goldfine  

P. Laird comments on Ep. 158 "Hacking Stockman" first draft


1.) Re: the following:

"HUN
Look what crawled out to play! Lucky you…we got some new toys."

Non-thug-talking Hun would say "we HAVE", not "we GOT".

2.) Re: the following:

"HUN
Don't need brains wit' dese!"

Time to activate the "De-Thug" filter again, for this particularly egregious example!


3.) Re: the following:

"HUN rushes in and <WRENCHES> the door off its hinges! He throws it at the guys - a two ton Frisbee! They flatten as the disc passes over them, destroying a wall in the BG."

Just so we're clear here -- the only way Hun is able to do this is because he is using his new "energy gloves", right?


4.) Re: the following:

"BELOW, our heroes use HUN as an impromptu springboard, running up his back and leaping off his head to grab the ropes!"

I might buy ONE of the Turtles being able to do this, but all THREE? How slow would that make Hun?


5.) Re: the following:

"MIKEY
April?! Where's Don Juan?"

"Don Juan"? Inappropriate.


6.) Re: the following:

"DON
Let them beat each other to picobits. As long as Master Splinter's lost in cyberspace…I could care less."

The phrase should be "I couldn't care less". Think about it -- if you "could care less", then that means that you DO care to some degree.


7.) Re: the following:

"MASTER KHAN'S DIGITAL AVATAR rises up from the very fabric of cyberspace. He bows to one knee."

I have to say that is a strange turn of phrase I've never seen or heard before -- "bows to one knee". Though bowing and kneeling are somewhat related -- they both have to do with showing reverence and/or respect -- they are two separate and different things. Why not just say "he kneels"?


8.) Re: the following:

"HUN
Best money I ever spent. Keep this up, the Foot are gonna be Foot fungus."

Non-thug-talking Hun would say "going to", not "gonna".


9.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (O.S.)
Uh…okay, that was probably funny in your head… I guess."

That line sounds like something Mikey would say. I think Stockman would say it a little differently, i.e.:


"STOCKMAN (O.S.)
Hmm... perhaps that was funny in your head…"


10.) Re: the following:

"HUN
Pain sticks. I call 'em pain sticks."

"Them", not "'em".


11.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Call them whatever you want, long as I get paid. I'm saving up to install a cerebral massage unit in this baby."

If Hun doesn't talk like a common thug, Baxter Stockman talks even LESS like a common thug. Here's a suggested tweak:


"STOCKMAN
Call them whatever you want, as long as I get paid. I'm saving up to install a cerebral massage unit in this body."


12.) Re: the following:

"HUN
What's a matter, Stockman? Static cling in yer metal boxers--?"

Better run that de-thug filter again.


13.) Re: the following:

"ON STOCKMAN'S horrified face.
STOCKMAN
How is this possible? Y-you're dead-!
ECU on STOCKMAN'S ROBOT EYE as SHREDDER laughs within.
SHREDDER (INTERNAL)
You should know better than most, Stockman…the bonds of death mean NOTHING to the Shredder!"

Continuity question -- does Stockman have any real reason to think that the Shredder is dead? Does he know about the trial and subsequent ice-planet exile of the Utrom-Shredder?
And WHY would Stockman know "better than most" that "the bonds of death mean NOTHING to the Shredder!"?


14.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Hun, wait! Listen to me! Shredder is back! He's IN my body and--!
HUN
I'm no “genius”, Baxter…but I know when someone's tryin' ta bust my skull! 

In this series, it's "THE Shredder", not just "Shredder". And better run that de-thug filter again.


15.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Whoa. I didn't know I could do that."

And I don't think Stockman says "Whoa."


16.) Re: the following:

"SHREDDER (INTERNAL)
You can't…but the Shredder can! "

Would it make more sense for the Shredder to just say "But I can!" (instead of the self-referential "the Shredder")?


17.) Re: the following:

"HUN
What the dook?
Stockman, suddenly embarrassed, tries to laugh this off.
STOCKMAN
Wow. This is embarrassing…It was a failsafe, just in case you didn't pay me. I wasn't going to use it… probably…"

"Dook"? Very silly... let's lose it. And I don't think Stockman would say "Wow" like this.


18.) Re: the following:

"Stockman rips one of the DATA PANELS from the wall, and BENDS it into what looks like a SHOULDER PLATE."

Shouldn't that be:


"Stockman/Shredder rips one of the DATA PANELS from the wall, and BENDS it into what looks like a SHOULDER PLATE."

19.) Re: the following:

"ON THE GUYS, fear washing over them.
LEO
Shredder…he's out!"

Fear washes over me that I'll have to keep repeating this -- it should be "The Shredder", not just "Shredder".


20.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Shredder does not leave this building!!

Oh, please...


21.) Re: the following:

"Shredder springs to his feet with an energy MACE."

Didn't THE Shredder toss his energy maces aside a few lines ago?


22.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (INTERNAL)
Yeah, about that…What if I go back to work for you, at a slight pay increase, make you a shiny NEW new body…and I get my old new body back? Pretty please?"

Stockman does not say "Yeah".


23.) Re: the following:

"HUN
Now it's Halloween, Stockman? Tear that traitor apart!"

The "Now it's Halloween" line takes some time to parse, plus it's silly... I'd lose it.


24.) Re: the following:

"LEO
I don't think Shredder's crazy…uh…
crazier than normal…"

THE Shredder.


25.) Re: the following:

"Don's complete focus on the landscape is broken as he hears a <BEEPING>. He checks out his control panel to see-
SMALL ICONS indicating Shredder bits blinking wildly.
DONATELLO
Yes! Master Splinter's data bits! And they're close by!"

Are they "Shredder bits"... or "Splinter bits"?


26.) Re: the following:

"LEO
DON! Come in! We need you! It's Shred-"

It's "the Shred--"


27.) Re: the following:

"DON
Don can't come to the shell phone, he's off saving his father from an eternity of digital disembodiment!"

While this is mildly amusing, it is also very un-Don-like. But it would work well as a Mikey line.
Rather than have him spew out this kind of snarky, sarcastic line, why not take this opportunity to give him a line or which shows the conflict within him -- faced with two very important crises, which does he chose?! Save his Master... or his brothers?


28.) Re: the following:

"ON A SMALL CONTROL PANEL where a FLESHY TENTACLE activates a RED EMERGENCY EJECT switch…"

A "fleshy tentacle"...? WTF?


29.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN'S HEAD flips in the air, the helmet falling off as MECHANICAL SPIDER LEGS spring from his neck!
Shredder flails wildly, waving for his head as the guys leap for him, triple kicking Shredder flat on his can!
MIKEY
How the shell did that happen?
ON MIKEY as Stockman's head CLAMPS onto his shoulder.
MIKEY
Low fiber diet?
STOCKMAN
Try resident super-genius.
MIKEY
<Girly Scream!> EW EW EW EW!"

The "Low fiber diet?" might be amusing in another context, but here is seems to make little to no sense. And the order of some of the lines here seems off, given the action. Here's how I would re-order them:


"STOCKMAN'S HEAD flips in the air, the helmet falling off as MECHANICAL SPIDER LEGS spring from his neck!
Shredder flails wildly, waving for his head as the guys leap for him, triple kicking Shredder flat on his can!
MIKEY
How the shell did that happen?
STOCKMAN
Try resident super-genius.
ON MIKEY as Stockman's head CLAMPS onto his shoulder.
MIKEY
<Girly Scream!> EW EW EW EW!"


30.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Baxter! What the heck's happening--?"

Doesn't sound like Leo -- I'd change it to:


"LEO
Baxter! What's happening--?"


31.) Re: the following:

"DON
Data Dump. No roads here…gotta do this…"

Don doesn't say "gotta".


32.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
Physically, there's nothing you can do. But…Shredder's consciousness is too huge to upload completely, so he's probably still anchored in cyberspace."

Hmm... to have this make more sense (at least to me), perhaps it can be tweaked to make it clear that whatever internal computer memory the Stockman-Bot has -- which the Shredder has now taken over and is using to control the Stockman-Bot -- is too small to contain all of the Shredder's cyber-consciousness. 


33.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN's eyes widen as Leo's SHELL PHONE falls to the floor. Stockman carefully moves for it…and plugs in a small TENDRIL…"

"Small TENDRILL"...? Is this anything like the ""fleshy tentacle" referred to earlier? Is someone confusing Stockman with an Utrom? (I know it's confusing ME!)


34.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN (ELECTRONIC)
YO, SHELLHEAD!!"

Oh, please. Stockman would not say "Yo"... and very likely he wouldn't say "shellhead".


35.) Re: the following:

"STOCKMAN
You'd better get with the program, or your brothers are gonna be shredded!!"

Nor would he say "gonna".


36.) Re: the following:

"DON
Shredder?! LEO! But-- "

THE Shredder.


37.) Re: the following:

"LEO
Someone help me down before I feint?"

Sounds like a Mike line, not a Leo line... and it's "faint", not "feint", in any event.


38.) Re: the following:

"RAPH scrambles for Leo while Mikey scoops up Stockman.
STOCKMAN
Before he can regain control!"

Stockman's line here needs to be a little better connected to what is happening.


39.) Re: the following:

"DON
I already lost my FATHER, SHREDDER…I'm NOT losing them too!"

Take out the "Shredder", and this reads fine.


40.) Re: the following:

"Don smirks and DIGITIZES OUT…"

"Smirks"? Inappropriate and un-Don-like. "Smiles", "grins" or even nothing at all would work.


41.) Re: the following:

"MIKEY
That's the Don-dizzle I'm talkin' about! I knew he wouldn't let us down!"

Can we please never do another "-izzle" thing, please... unless we're making a satiric comment on played-out slang?


42.) Re: the following:

"On STOCKMAN, wetting his armor."

Not literally, I hope.


43.) Re: the following:

"DON
They collapsed into a high-speed data stream…but energy can't be destroyed, so I've been able to construct an algorithm to find them…"

Energy can't be destroyed, true, but in this context, INFORMATION can be... which is what Splinter's "data bits" are. I think this would work better if we just took out the part about " energy can't be destroyed", as follows:


"DON
They collapsed into a high-speed data stream…but I'll be able to construct an algorithm to find them…"


-- Peter

Blast from the Past #553: December 14, 2007: Re: Karate Schooled FINAL, and December 18, 2007: comment on TMNT Something Wicked 2nd Draft and Re: TMNT155RevFINAL

Subj: Re:   Karate Schooled FINAL
Date: Friday, December 14, 2007 12:16:09 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

comments on Ep. 155 "Karate Schooled" final

1.) In my previous notes, I said this:


"Re: the following:


"*EXT. ALLEY – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
*THE HAULER is about to impact the wall but suddenly GOES STRAIGHT UP with <BLASTS> from underneath RISING UP AND UP as …
*INT. HAULER – CONT’D
*Michelangelo is thrown around and PRESSED down hard in the wild vertical ride.
*EXT. ROOFTOP – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT – CONT’D
*The Hauler comes up and lands (gently) lowering to the rooftop.
*INT. HAULER – ROOFTOP – NIGHT – CONT’D
*Michelangelo is upside-down and sprawled all over the inside of the Hauler.
*MICHELANGELO
This … this crate can fly?
*LEONARDO
Something you might have known if you had helped out more.
*RAPHAEL
Yeah, Donny can make these beauties all on his lonesome."


A couple of things here. First, the idea that this "Hauler" can FLY, while not completely silly, is close enough to preposterous that I think we should seriously limit how much flying it can do, or it's going to turn into "Fast Forward". I suggest adding a line here, perhaps as follows:


"*MICHELANGELO
This … this crate can fly?
RAPHAEL
For short emergency hops, anyway.
*LEONARDO
Something you might have known if you had helped out more."


Also, Raph's last line had me scratching my head -- what is he trying to say here? It seems especially odd given the setup by Mike's and Leo's lines preceding it."


I appreciate the fact that the Raph line has been deleted, but I am still concerned about the Turtles having "flying cars" in the show. It really does start feeling like "Fast Forward". Unless there is a compelling reason to have this kind of thing in the show, I would suggest re-considering my suggestion about adding the line about "short emergency hops".


2.) Also in my previous comments, I said this:


"2.) Re: the following:


"THE HAULER side door <OPENS>.  Looking a little battered and worn out, Leonardo and Raphael help a semi-conscious Casey into the HAULER.
MASTER KHAN gets to his feet.
MASTER KHAN
You shall not escape!
ON THE HAULER now contains the three turtles and Casey.  Mikey smiles.
*RAPHAEL
Once around the dojo and home, James!"


While Raph's line is kind of funny, I think it might be more appropriate to use that line to say something about why the Turtles appear to be running away from the fight (something they would not ordinarily do). My suggestion would be for one of them (could be Raph) to say something about how they'd like to stick around and continue to kick shell, but they have to get their buddy Casey to safety."


There is now a new line in the script, as follows:

"**RAPHAEL
Sorry, school’s out for Casey!"

This is MARGINALLY okay, but I really don't think it goes far enough in explaining why the Turtles are running away from the fight with Master Khan at this moment.


Other than those two things, I see no problems with this final draft.


-- Peter

---------------------------------------------

Subj: comment on TMNT Something Wicked 2nd Draft
Date: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:57:05 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

comments on Ep. 156 "Something Wicked" second draft


Not much to say -- this one is looking good!


1.) Re: the following:

"The Cyber Shredder pulls back his arms that are CUT OFF at the end (cleanly and computerized/digitized … not gross … more like the T1000 Liquid Metal terminator).  And, just like that, with a <SURGE> of <CRACKLING> energy, Cyber Shredder re-grows his arms just as they were before."

This is a minor point, and may not be necessary or practical to address. But I was thinking that it might be cool to do something a little different with the way things like the Shredder's sliced off arms reform in cyberspace. Specifically, I wonder if it would be cool to use a CG particle animation system to create "number clouds" which would be the basis for this re-forming.
It would be something that from a distance just looked like a roiling mass of particles coming together to form whatever shape was necessary... but if looked at more closely, those "particles" would be seen to actually be NUMBERS (and maybe other symbols commonly used in computer programming, like < > / ] { and so on).


-- Pete

------------------------------


Subj: Re:   TMNT155RevFINAL
Date: Tuesday, December 18, 2007 11:28:45 AM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

 comments on Ep. 155 "Karate Schooled" final revised


     1.) Re: the following:

"***RAPHAEL
There’s hover feature for emergencies, yeah."

     Thank you for incorporating my suggestion, but I think there is an "a" missing between "There's" and "hover".


     2.) Re: the following:

"MASTER KHAN
(to students)
Destroy the turtles!  Tear them limb from limb.  I command you!"

     A minor point and not really necessary... but as I was reading this again I thought -- given the bloodthirsty nature of the "Tear them limb from limb" line -- it might be creepy/fun to add something turtle-specific, along the following lines:


"MASTER KHAN
(to students)
Destroy the turtles!  Crack open their shells! Tear them limb from limb.  I command you!"

     3.) Re: the following:

"Leonardo ducks down under a clothesline arm from Casey …
**LEONARDO
He can’t hear us.  It’s like he’s hypnotized!  <DOOF!>"

     Earlier, Leo said this about the other students of Master Khan:

"**LEONARDO
Like they’re under some kind of mind control… try not to hurt them."

     Given that Casey is clearly being controlled in the same way, might it not make sense that Leo comment should reflect that connection? Perhaps it could read as follows:


"Leonardo ducks down under a clothesline arm from Casey …
**LEONARDO
He can’t hear us. He's being mind-controlled -- like those other students!  <DOOF!>"


     4.) Re: the following:

"**RAPHAEL
<Grunt!> I’ll write ya an apologize later!"

     I think that should be "apology", not "apologize".


     5.) Re: the following:

"**MASTER KHAN
Yes, the Foot!  The Foot shall rise again like a tidal and come crashing down on you!  Crushing the life out of you!  By these hands!"

     That should be "tidal wave", right?


     -- Peter


     P.S. I think this may be my quickest turnaround yet!