Blast from the Past #533: February 1, 2006: Re: Show 142 ("The Day of Awakening") second draft, and Re: Show 143 ("Zixxth Sense")

Subj: Re: Show 142 ("The Day of Awakening") second draft
Date: Wednesday, February 1, 2006 6:17:25 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine


Lloyd,

Here are my comments on the Ep. 142 second draft.

1.) Re: the following:

"* CODY
Mister President, What about Viral? She s always with Sh Okanabo, and I ve been developing decompiling software that should take apart her program bit by bit- literally-- "

Thanks for including the "decompiler" idea I suggested, but I think this telegraphs it too specifically -- I think it would be cooler to reveal the exact nature of it for when Cody unleashes it on Viral near the end. Perhaps this could be changed as follows:

"* CODY
Mister President, What about Viral? She s always with Sh Okanabo, and I ve been developing a new program that should --"

2.) Re: the following:

"MICHELANGELO
It always starts with the creepy deserted installation, and then some muscley jarhead steps in--
They STOP as the AGENT steps in something <SQUISHH!>
PAN DOWN   to find KANABO SLIME on the Agent s boot.
MIKEY <GULPS> LEO chimes in.
MICHELANGELO
Alien slime --? Heh, well, at least you re not wearing a red shirt &-- heh."

Minor point... but BOTH times I've read Mike's first line here, I read "some muscley jarhead steps in --" as "some muscley jarhead ENTERS". I know it's supposed to (and does) connect to Mike's last line here which begins with "alien slime", but I wonder if the simple addition of one word -- "some" -- would make it read more easily as it is intended, as follows:

"MICHELANGELO
It always starts with the creepy deserted installation, and then some muscley jarhead steps in some --
They STOP as the AGENT steps in something <SQUISHH!>
PAN DOWN   to find KANABO SLIME on the Agent s boot.
MIKEY <GULPS> LEO chimes in.
MICHELANGELO
Alien slime --? Heh, well, at least you re not wearing a red shirt -- heh."

3.) Re: the following:

"*RAPHAEL
(struggling) (Nice threads, Sh okanutjob -- it come in MENS?"

Kind of an odd insult to throw at an alien of Sh'Okanabo's nature. I doubt he would even "get" it.

4.) Re: the following:

"*VIRAL
Not if one were to increase the opacity of the atmosphere, say, to one hundred percent --?"

Minor point, but it wouldn't darken the ATMOSPHERE itself, but rather the hexagonal segments of the FORCE FIELD surrounding the Earth.

5.) Re: the following:

"*CODY
It makes SENSE, Master Splinter! Please! I won't let you down.
*LEO AND SPLINTER   they take a moment, and nod their approval &
LEO
Okay--
HERO SHOT   The TURTLES and TURTLE X assembled, weapons poised, ready for action!
*LEO
Don and Raph, get this crate into the sunlight. Cody, shut down Viral, the rest of us will deal with Sh Okanabo &"

The scenario works okay as is, but as I was reading it this time it occurred to me that it was a LITTLE strange that even though Splinter and Leo express reservations about Cody going off alone to confront and battle Viral, they then agree and send him off BY HIMSELF! Would it make more sense if one of the Turtles (or Splinter, or Bishop) went WITH him? I don't think taking one of these characters out of the battle with Sh'Okanobo and the Kanobo drones would make that much difference.

6.) Re: the following:

"*RAPH
I got your back, braniac! Let s find the gas on this thing!"

Minor point, but it might read/sound better if instead of just "gas", Raph said "gas pedal".
Hmmm... it just occurred to me that if we did make that change, it could be funny to give Don and Raph this little exchange:

"DON
"Gas pedal" --? Raph, it's the 22nd century... you've GOT to update your cliches!"
RAPH
I'll get right to it -- once we save everybody on Earth from bein' changed into billions of slobberin' alien zombie drones!"

Or not.

7.) Re: the following:

"ON THE GUYS - as they re OVERRUN by KANABO DRONES! LEO S HAND juts up through the mass of writing bodies &"

It just occurred to me that early on in this script, Leo warns everyone about coming into contact with the drones' slime, as that is how they spread their "infection". But here and in the last few scenes we've had our heroes coming into lots of contact with the drones (and one would think their slime as well), with no infection being spread to them.
Maybe when they are preparing to invade the moonbase, they can all get some kind of injection/pill//spray of something that gives them temporary protection from the effects of the slime -- maybe it's an experimental treatment cooked up by Don and/or Baxter Stockman. Of course, there is still peril for our heroes because they don't know how long that protection will last (or we could be more specific and say it would only last an hour or so).

8.) Re: the following:

"*SH OKANABO
Go at once to the Moonbase. Shut down the grid and bring darkness to the Earth. I shall deal with these fools myself."

Minor technical point -- "shutting down" the grid, because it is a force field, would basically result in a totally TRANSPARENT grid, allowing all unfiltered sunlight to come through to Earth. It is only when the grid is operating, i.e. powered up, that it can be "tuned" to admit or deflect specific frequencies of light as desired.
So instead of "shutting down" the grid, Viral should just take control of it. The line could read as follows:

"*SH OKANABO
Go at once to the Moonbase. Take control of the grid and bring darkness to the Earth. I shall deal with these fools myself."

9.) Re: the following:

"LEO and MIKEY run and LEAP in different directions
FLYING ACTION SHOT! - PAN WITH THEM   in profile as they CHANGE INTO KANABOS! The Kanabo armor BURSTS from them &but still--
KANABO LEO   draws back his sword &
KANABO MIKEY   still <POWERS UP HIS CHUCKS &>"

I really, really don't like this. Not only does it completely fly in the face of what we have already established as to the nature of the Kanobo Drones (i.e. total control by Sh'Okanobo once transformed), but it just doesn't seem necessary.

10.) Re: the following:

"*ON SH KANABO S MOUTH - the GRENADE goes in with a significant <GULP!> Hold for a second &he s stunned stupid.
*SH OKANABO
Oh, Shell."

Funny line, but COMPLETELY inappropriate for Sh'Okanobo's character to say.

-- Pete

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Subj: Re: Show 143 ("Zixxth Sense") Third Draft
Date: Wednesday, February 1, 2006 6:18:53 PM
From: Peter Laird
To:   Lloyd Goldfine

Lloyd,


Here are my notes on the Ep. 143 third draft.


1.) Re: the following:

"*Leo points to BIG RED’S SCARRED THUG making his way through the crowd with a shopping bag in one claw.  
**LEONARDO
Unless you think there’s more than one hulking shifty looking Lobster with an shaped scar on his head."

I think there is something missing between "an" and "shaped" in Leo's line.


2.) Re: the following:

"ZIXX
Not if it’s made from Black Matter.  Nasty stuff, virtually invisible to normal spectral chromatic scans.  See? "

Why the change from "Dark" to "Black" (here and elsewhere in the script)? I think "dark" is much more evocative of shadowy danger and cosmic mystery. The change seems pointless.


3.) Re: the following:

"ZIXX (CONT)
We’ll have to steal it.  He’s got the Transmat stashed in a smuggling outpost on Prometheus, a barren moon hidden inside Saturn’s asteroid belt.  "

Suggest changing "Transmat" to "transmitter", as "Transmat" we have already established in many episodes as referring specifically to the Utroms' matter transmission device.


4.) Re: the following:

"**MICHAELANGELO
That was easy than you made it sound!  "

I think "easy" in this line should be "easier".


5.) Re: the following:

"ZIXX
Oh, about yay-big, silver…  It kinda looks like a big coffee pot.  "

Minor point, but it's "yea", NOT "yay".


6.) Re: the following:

"* PULL BACK to reveal that they are in a bleak metal HOLDING CELL.  The others are already awake.  Mikey offers his hand to help Raph to his feet. Their WEAPONS are piled off to the side. "

"Off to the side..." of what? The side of the room? The side of the cell? Are the weapons in the cell or outside of it? Not very clear here.


7.) Re: the following:

"*DONNY - breaks the “fins” off the barrel of a fusion ray gun and sticks them on his feet like ice skates!  PAN with him as he races along the ice.  Skating between a couple of goons, he extends his bo staff and “high-sticks” them!  WHAM!"

While I think this is a clever solution to the problem of Turtles being able to skate on ice with precision IN THEIR BARE FEET (as in the first draft), I hope that when it is drawn/animated, the pieces that Don breaks off the gun have some kind of shape to them which allows them to stay on Don's feet while he is skating -- perhaps a semi-cylindrical "top" which Don can slip his feet into. Another possible look might be to have some kind of knob or bolt protruding from the flat or curved piece Don stands on, which he could hold between his toes in a sandal or flip-flop manner.


-- Pete